Original subtitles

[Eddie] Does one of us look sweet?

[Tom] "Look sweet?"

[Eddie] Yeah, that's what the song says.

[Tom] Oh, you mean...

♪ You look sweet upon a seat ♪

♪ Of a bicycle built for two ♪

[Tom] Yeah. Well, that's the way the song goes, sport.

[Eddie] We oughta make up our own song.

- Really? - Yeah.

[Tom] How would it go?

[Eddie] In all kinds of weather, we're always together.

What's not to like, with my dad on a bike?

[Tom laughs] That's very good, sport.

[Eddie] You do the music.

[Tom] Okay.

- Make it a happy song. - Okay.

["Best friend" by Nilsson]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪

[scatting]

Well, enjoy your lunch.

Hey, how are things over here at this table?

Oh, fantastic. His sandwich is better than mine.

[chuckles] Eddie, this is a marvelous restaurant.

- You know how I know? - How?

Because even on Saturdays your father can't stay away.

Oh, yeah, but I don't come here for the food.

Can't stand the food, love the service though.

- Thank you, Tom Corbett. - It's alright.

Hey, how about some dessert, hmm?

No, just some more coffee, please.

- Norman? - What've you got for dessert?

What's for dessert?

Okay, we've got vanilla pudding.

- Yeah. - And deep dish apple pie.

Yeah, yeah.

And cherry and loganberry and peach pie.

- Oh. - And coconut layer cake.

And, uh, ice cream, both flavors.

You're torturing yourself, Norman.

No, I'm just testing my willpower.

How about a little chocolate mousse?

- Chocolate mousse? - Yeah, no, sport...

It's not the kind of mousse you think you know.

Oh.

I-I'll tell you what I'll have.

- Coffee. - Coffee. Right, right.

Eddie, how about you?

I'd rather have a candy bar.

- Candy bar? Okay, well. - Yeah.

Can I have seven cents, dad?

- "May I!" - May I have seven cents?

May he have ten cents? They're a dime now.

Ten cents? Ten cents. There you go, sport.

- Excuse me. - Ten cents?

That's unbelievable. I swear, the cost of living

is going up on a day-to-day basis now.

Yeah, well, you know

your expenses are just beginning with Eddie.

I've got two kids in college, and one in high school

and sometimes the one in high school

costs more than the two kids in college.

Must be pretty rough, huh?

- "Rough" is hardly the word. - Hmm.

Yeah, well, I've been trying to, gracias, I've been trying

to save on my expenses, but the only thing

I'm able to cut down on is my shaving lotion.

Oh, well, it's really hard to cut back.

I don't care what everybody says.

Yeah, well...

Everybody's got his own solution.

As for me, I'm just gonna take the wife

and go to Europe for three months.

Tips must be terrific.

Tips? Oh...

Oh, no, no, no, those aren't the tips.

That's my investments.

Your investments?

Yeah, I-I own a little real estate.

What kind of real estate?

Well, they're couple of motels, and then, uh, an eight-unit

apartment house that's been doing pretty well.

As a matter of fact, I may pick up another one.

That's all? Just real estate?

Well, from time to time

I invest in oil wells, once in a while, yeah.

Uh, pardon me, uh, Gus.

I don't mean more to be personal, but, um...

...why, why, why do you work?

I like it.

Besides, if-if everything falls apart

I can always eat.

- Look, I'll get the coffee. - Thank you.

Oh, boy, how do you like an idea like that?

I mean, like, that he's got two motels

eight units, maybe eight more units, oil wells.

Why don't you and I ever think of something like that?

Well, there's little bit more to it than just thinking, Norman.

You have to really know what you're doin'.

Hey, if I knew what I was doin' I wouldn't have to

worry about my shaving lotion.

That's a very good point. I'll admit that.

- That was eleven cents. - Eleven cents?

Yeah, I said we'd pay the lady on the way out.

- Eleven cents? - Look at that.

The cost of living has gone up ten percent

just while we're sitting here.

♪♪

- Tom. - Yeah.

- Tom, Tom. - What, what, what?

[Norman clears throat] Tom.

What, Norman?

- Hello. - Hello.

- Well, wh-who are you? - Her name is Janene Forsyth.

- Oh. - She's 17.

- Oh. - She's Miss American Teenager.

Oh, well, congratulations. How, how marvelous for you.

- Thank you. - Yes, what are you doin' here?

- Mr. Tinker asked me. - Oh, he did?

Yeah, I thought I'd put her on the cover of the magazine.

The next issue, if it's okay with you.

- Oh, the new voter issue? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, how marvelous.

I think you'd be a great asset to our cover.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

Well, would you, uh...

to-to-to-to, you know too well.

Yeah, I'll take you out, and you'll meet Tina

and she'll tell you where the photo session is.

Okay, nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you, and thank you.

♪♪

What's on your mind, Norman?

Same thing's been on my mind all weekend.

Yeah, what's that? Ow, ow, ow.

- How much do you wanna invest? - Hmm?

How much do you wanna invest?

How much do I wanna invest in what?

In whatever Gus says.

Hmm? Nothing.

Don't you wanna be rich?

Norman, I wouldn't mind being rich, I wouldn't mind it at all.

As a matter of fact, I think I'd like it.

Like? You'd love it.

Norman, the problem is based

on my experience that you...

- You can't get there from here. - What do you mean?

Norman, I have one of the most consistent investment records

the world has ever known.

You mean, you've been makin' investments

and not letting me in on it?

Norman, in order to let you in on it

would mean that I would have to

invite you along for a cruise on a sinking ship.

Hmm. That bad, huh?

Oh, Norman, anything I ever invested in, right?

Straight down.

- At least it's consistent. - Yes, it's consistent, Norman.

At first I thought it was accidental, you know.

The second time, coincidental.

But after four or five times you begin to think

that you personally are the straw

that breaks the camel's back, really.

Every investment that was going up, up, up

I'd invest in it, it'd go down, down, down.

- Thanks, Tom. - Uh-huh. Thanks for what?

For not giving me any tips.

I'm gonna give you one tip, Norman, only one.

If you got any extra money at all, put it in the bank.

Yeah, there's two things wrong with what you're sayin'.

Yeah, what's that?

First, if you put your money in the bank...

...you're not gonna be rich like you'd like to be.

Thank you very much, I didn't say I'd like to be

I said I'd... Yeah, I did say I'd like to be, didn't I?

Well, I would like to be, but I don't have to work for it.

And the second part is, if you've noticed

Gus said nothing about the stock market.

He only invested in things that you can see, feel, smell.

Like motels, apartment buildings, oil.

Yeah, yeah, you gotta remember that

Gus knows what he's doin'. He's got the touch.

Ah!

Well, how come his touch can't rub off on us?

Well, now look, we know Gus pretty well, right?

But I don't know that we know him well enough to ask him

to divulge his investment secrets.

Some people get very uptight about that.

I don't look upon it as asking

a man to divulge his investment secrets.

Really? What do you look upon it as?

I look upon it as asking a man

who can afford to spend three months a year in Europe

how he got in that position

and how quickly can we join him.

Yeah, well, good, I hope you do it, Norman, I hope you become

a terribly rich man, and then one day when I have

to borrow some money, I can borrow it from you.

See, if you were rich, you could get a guy

to fix the table for you.

♪♪

- Gus. - Just a second, Norman.

Gus.

I'll be with you in just a minute.

[speaks foreign language]

- Where's Tom? - He's stuck at the office.

- Now, what'll you have? - An apartment building.

Oh. Yeah, well, as a matter of fact

I-I-I saw a pretty good one. I may pick it up.

Uh, you want the usual, cottage cheese?

No, I want that beef and noodles.

- You want the beef and noodles? - Yeah.

Listen, how do you know when it's a good apartment building

that it's a good apartment building?

Oh, I check the location

growth, area, things like that.

You want the peas and carrots or squash?

I want the squash. Yeah, and what else do you look for?

Uh, access to transportation.

Hey, you forgot about asking about the soup.

- You want soup also? - Yeah, cream and tomato.

- Cream and tomato. - Yeah.

- And what about the schools? - Waiter.

I'll be with you in just a moment, sir.

- Schools are always important. - Yeah.

You didn't ask me about the appetizer.

- You also want an appetizer? - Yeah.

We got shrimp, crab meat and lobster.

Uh, crab meat.

Tell me about the parking spaces.

Parking spaces are very important.

Yeah, but-but you didn't ask me about my salad.

Well, that's why I'm standing here.

I wanna know what you want on your salad.

- Roquefort dressing. - Roquefort.

Norman, you never eat this much.

- What's so special about today? - I'm hungry.

Listen, I really wanna get involved in investments.

- Waiter. - Investments.

What, this is no way to learn about investments.

Yeah, but Tom told me it's wrong to just come in and ask--

Oh, Tom is interested too?

He's interested a little bit, maybe.

Well, if you fellas want to, I'll just sit down with you

and talk, I'll tell you anything I can.

- You would? - Anytime.

Except when I'm in the middle of my busy lunch.

Oh, sorry, hit this in the--

- I know. Just cottage cheese. - Right.

[Tom] Norman, I came here to look at your cover pictures.

Not to discuss high finance.

But, Tom, Gus just wants to talk to us. He just wants to help us.

Well, up till yesterday that meant that

he would take our order, and bring us food.

Yeah, but today, it's even better.

He's willing to bring us a lifetime of security.

I would settle for just three months in Europe

if I thought that were at all possible.

Oh, but he can do that. He can give you a villa in Spain.

He can give me a castle on the Riviera.

Oh, Nor, come on, now you're sure

you're not exaggerating a little bit, huh?

Look, Gus is just trying to do us a favor.

He's not trying to sell you something.

[Tom] I appreciate that, Norman.

I appreciate Gus's generosity

and your enthusiasm, but I question whether or not

it makes sense to get involved.

Well, it doesn't make any sense for you not to get involved.

Why not?

Because you've got Eddie to consider.

It's about time you started thinking

about providing for Eddie too.

Yeah, well, the question is, how best to do that?

All I'm asking you to do is talk to him. Listen to him.

What do you got to lose?

Remember what I lost before. My money.

Hey, you're all done?

Yeah, how about you?

Well, I'm getting close to the end, yeah.

I'll bet you will be glad when Mrs. Livingston gets home.

Hmm. Yes, I will.

But it's a good thing she's on vacation.

I think she's deserved one.

You miss her cooking, is that it?

No, I like your hot dogs.

Mm-hmm. I knew there was a reason I was popular tonight.

Hey, by the way, I would like to ask a favor of you

if you don't mind, I'd like you to put yourself

to bed tonight, 'cause I have company coming.

- Who's comin'? - Norman and Gus.

- Gus the waiter? - Yeah, yeah, that's right.

But we just had dinner.

Is he comin' over to bring more food?

Well, tonight, Gus isn't coming as a waiter.

- He's coming as a businessman. - What do you mean?

Well, Gus is a very successful investor.

You mean he's rich?

Well, I, uh, I don't know if he's rich.

He's richer than us?

Yeah, you could safely say that.

And he's just a waiter.

Eddie, just because somebody is a waiter or a lawyer

or a taxi driver doesn't mean

he can't do something else.

I see that.

Why aren't you an investor?

Well, Gus knows a lot more about it than I do.

Well, if he can find out how to do it

how come you can't find out how to do it?

Oh, I can. That's why he's comin' over tonight.

I think you ought to do it. It sounds great.

Well, I think you're right.

Fellas, when it comes to investment

you can go a million ways.

I mean, there's land

buildings, stocks, oils, business, it...

The thing to do is to pick out an area that you feel

is right for you, and then pick out the right investment.

Gus, how do you know all that?

Well, I read a lot. I read a lot.

And then I talk to people

and ask questions, just the way you fellas are doin' now.

Yeah, but it must take years.

Well, it takes a little time.

But you have to think of the future.

And especially if you got kids.

You know, Tom, you and me, we have

a very very serious problem.

You see, uh, we don't have a lot of years.

Well, Norman, it doesn't have to take years.

Well, the truth is, Gus

we don't even have much time at all.

We want to get rich quick.

So do I, but it can't be done.

- It can't? - No.

Okay, then we'll get rich slow.

But we have to get started right away.

Now look, if you would have picked

an area of investment for us

which area would you pick?

Well, uh, ah, it's hard to say, Norman.

Okay, then forget the area.

Just pick an investment for us.

Well, Norman, I could pick an investment for you

but I don't like to do that.

- Why not? - Well...

Well, take my uncle for instance.

I-I once picked an investment for him

that was supposed to triple his money.

It only doubled his money

and he hasn't let me forget it for years.

- Oh, double's fine. - Yeah, sure, double's fine.

I know, but supposing you lose everything?

What if it doesn't work out at all?

Oh, it'll work out, I promise you.

Norman, if Gus has an investment

he wants to share with us

he will, and if he doesn't

he doesn't. Let's not push him--

Thank you. Look, I don't mind, Tom, I-I do have an investment

but well, it's like all the other ones.

I mean, it-it's maybe.

It-it, probably even, but it's not for sure.

- But you like it? - Yeah, of course.

Or I wouldn't be in it in the first place.

We're in.

- Could lose everything. - We're ready.

- It's oil. - Tom, we struck oil.

What? No, no.

We haven't struck anything. What're you talking about?

Will you just let Gus talk please?

Let him talk. It's a gusher. I know what's a gusher.

- Gus. - Look, look, look.

I got a call from an oil man

that I've invested with before.

He's drilling a well, so far it's dry

but he wants to drill deeper

and he needs more money.

But you think it's a good investment?

Well, I've looked at all the geological surveys

and there's oil all around the place.

Some of the big companies have leases there

and they're takin' oil out of the ground

from deeper than where we're drilling right now.

So, yeah, I think it's a good investment.

And-and it's alright with you if we go along with you?

If you want in, there's room in the deal for you.

What do we gotta do?

Take out your check book.

- Tom, what do you think? - What do I think?

Yeah, well, you know much more about this than I do.

Norman, I don't know anything about oil.

I mean, I don't know anything.

But I-I guess it's about time we learned, you know.

I just hope we're not doin' this the hard way.

[knock at door]

[Tom] Hmm?

- Did he call? - Gus?

- Who else? - No.

Wonder why he hasn't called.

Because he hasn't got a dime, Norman.

Every one of his investments went sour.

He is dead broke.

You're kidding.

Yes, I'm kidding.

- What are you doing? - I'm reading a book.

- On oil wells. - Hmm, good.

Hey, I left some pictures for you, on the desk.

You, you've gotta pick out a cover.

Alright.

Tom, why don't we go to lunch?

Oh, come on, Norman, it's only 10:45.

You're right, let's wait a few minutes. You pick out a cover.

- I'll see you later. - Alright. Where're you goin'?

I'm goin' to my office to light a candle.

Good idea.

Come on, why do you think he hasn't called?

I thought you were going to the dark room to light some candles.

I can't, I'm too nervous. My hands are shaking.

Oh, good. Well, I'm glad you came back

because while you were gone, I went through all the pictures

and this is the one we're gonna print.

It's a picture of a girl.

We need a picture of a football player.

Absolutely right, Norman, then why did you give me nothing

but pictures of girls, yachts and Pulitzers.

- My mind is in the wrong place. - Uh-huh.

Hey, listen, come on, what are we gonna do?

Go to lunch.

Fellas, I haven't heard a thing.

I mean, the phone could ring the next minute

it could ring tomorrow. When I hear, you'll hear, okay?

Oh, what does it mean that you haven't heard?

[telephone ringing] What do you mean "What does it mean?"

I mean, you haven't heard. What does it mean?

Norman, you're asking me the same question backwards.

I know, but when I asked you forwards

you didn't understand it, so what does it mean--

Norman, I think what he's trying to tell us is

he has nothing to tell us.

But what does it mean that you have nothin' to tell us?

Gus, telephone. It sounds urgent.

Oh, oh, uh, uh, don't go away.

"Don't go away?" We blew it.

It's a dry hole, I know it. It's a dry hole.

Oh, come on, Norman, you promised me a gusher.

What do I know?

I mean, look at it this way, what is the worst thing

that could possibly happen to us?

- We could lose all our money. - Yes, we could, couldn't we?

Hm.

[sighing]

It was the wife, the dog bit the mail man.

Terrific. I mean, the way you looked

I thought it was bad news.

♪♪

Eddie, you're not in your pajamas.

Well, I am, half way.

Half way is not all way.

Now, come on, it's past your bedtime.

I was just feeding my fish.

Well, you could've fed them anytime during the day.

I don't think you had to wait until bedtime to do it.

Suppose they got hungry during the night?

I think they will live through the night.

Eddie, look at this room.

It looks like it always does.

Yes, it does, and from now on

I want you to pick up all of your things, do you understand?

Billy and Bobby Gerber and I were playing today--

I don't mind your playing, Eddie, it's when you're through

I want you to put your things back where they belong.

Well, I do, before bedtime.

But Mrs. Livingston usually helps me.

Well, I think you're a big enough boy now

to start doing it yourself. Hmm?

- Okay, dad. - No, no, not now, sport.

It's just too late. Will you please just, just go to bed?

Okay.

Eddie, uh...

Eddie, I'm, uh, I'm sorry if I...

...if I seem like I'm a little, um...

- Bugged? - Bugged.

Yes.

It's just that I have a few things on my mind, that's all.

I understand, dad.

Did you do anything about becomin' an investor?

Yes.

That's what's buggin' you, huh?

Yeah, that's what's buggin' me alright.

If you need any money

I have two dollars and fifty cents

in my piggy bank.

Thank you.

I, uh, I don't think I'll need it though.

But if you do need any money--

I know, I know.

You'll be the first person that I'll go to.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight, my friend.

♪♪

- Hi. - Oh, hello, Gus.

I, uh, I just heard from my man

so I thought you'd wanna know right away.

Listen, I don't mind waiting for lunch--

It's alright, I'm gonna give it to you clean

simple and straight.

- I knew it, I knew it. - It's not a gusher.

On the other hand, it's not a dry hole.

- I knew it. - Norman.

Norman, he said, "It's not a dry hole."

I knew it. It's not a dry hole?

- No. - It's not a dry hole.

Thank you. Now we know what it isn't, what is it?

It's a well, black well.

It's what's called a marginal producer.

There's some oil there, and it's worth getting it out.

You'll probably get your investment back eventually.

Maybe a little profit even but...

...it's gonna take quite a while.

Yeah, there go my castles in Spain.

My villas on the Riviera.

Not even a beach house at Malibu.

Look, Norman, considering how worried we were yesterday

I think we came out alright.

[Norman] You're right.

What else you got goin'?

Well, as a matter of fact

my guy's gonna drill another well.

Right nearby.

He thinks it's got a good chance, so do I.

I'm gonna plunge a little.

So if you guys wanna come in with me...

How about it, Tom? Wanna dive in?

Mm-mm. No, Norman, I have learned something

from this particular episode.

I, uh, I know that some people should invest

and some people shouldn't, and I'm one that shouldn't.

That's what I found out.

How'd you figure that out?

Well, from the moment I signed that check

I have not been able to think of anything else.

I mean, I sat in here reading about oil wells.

I went to lunch with you at 10:45 in the morning.

I wasn't even hungry.

But the worst part of it is, that I was...

I was a little rough on Eddie, and he doesn't deserve that.

No, I, I do appreciate, Gus

your letting us getting involved in your investment

but this time I think I'm gonna have to pass.

Say, a person has to know what he can do.

Yeah, I mean, even me, I really am too emotional

to get involved in investments.

I mean, I don't have ice water in my veins like you do, Gus.

Listen, if a waiter doesn't have ice water in his veins...

- Hi, dad. - Hello.

What you reading? The business section?

Hmm?

No, the sports page.

Oh.

I'm glad you're not an investor anymore.

Oh, is that right? Why is that?

Well, I like you like you always are.

Like you are tonight.

- Instead of being bugged, huh? - Yeah.

Well, Eddie, so far as makin' money is concerned

I just think it's best for me, no...

I think it's best for us...

...if I just get it the easy way.

- What do you mean? - Working.

- Oh. - Oh.

Does that mean I don't have to clean up

my room at night?

No way.

Just asking.

[laughing]

Go drive your cars.

I think you're absolutely right.

About not asking Gus about the new well?

Right, well, think how bad we'd feel

if it happened to come in a gusher.

I couldn't agree with you more.

I'm just as glad that I didn't invest it

and I'm just as glad I'll never know what happened.

Me too. I'm glad I didn't invest.

I was tempted for a while.

But after I saw what it did to our lives

it's really better off without this.

Yeah, yeah, I couldn't agree with you more.

And under the circumstances it's certain we'd be better

not to know what happened to the well.

What happened to the well?

You had to ask.

I knew it, I knew it.

Gusher, huh?

Gusher.

Well, I certainly was glad...

...not to know what had happened.

How much tip we gonna leave him?

Well, Norman, I think from now on I will just leave

all financial matters to you. Congratulations.

[Eddie] Why do they say, "You can't take it with you?"

[Tom] Oh, well, that means when you leave this world

you have to leave your money behind.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

[Tom] You can't take it with ya.

[Eddie] Well, yeah, but what about coming back?

[Tom] I don't know that we can do that, pal.

- Maybe? - Maybe.

[Eddie] If maybe we can come back

and if you can't take it with you...

[Tom] Yeah?

- ...I have an idea. - What's that?

[Eddie] Hide it in a good place.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person ♪

♪ Who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪