Original subtitles

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪

[Eddie] Dad, would you rather ride or walk?

[Tom] Sometimes I'd rather ride

sometimes I'd rather walk.

[Eddie] I think I'd rather ride.

[Tom] Why?

[Eddie] To get places faster.

[Tom] Faster is not always the most important thing.

[Eddie] It's important if you're going to a hospital to have a baby.

[Tom] If you're going to a hospital to have a baby

I wouldn't recommend a motorcycle.

[Eddie laughing]

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

Um. Hmm, Mrs. Livingston, that is great cheese.

Yes, it adds a very nice flavor to the salad.

You know, which is to say if I don't stop eating it

there won't be any left for the salad.

That's right.

Mm-hmm.

Well, just one more, uh, uh.

- Hi, dad. - Hey! Hi, sport.

[clears throat]

Oh, boy.

Oh-ho! Are you grubby?

You've been up playing with Billy Gerber, huh?

And Myles and Neil Guttmacher.

Well, I thought it was a team effort here.

Tell me, what kind of a day did you have?

Terrific, I got out of one week of homework

and two book reports.

Well, that's a splendid first day.

Tell me, how did you manage to do that?

I'm gonna be in the new class play for Parents' Night.

- You're kidding. - Yeah!

See, instead of doing homework

we got to learn our parts.

Unh-unh, oh, wait, wait, um...

Alright, just-just one piece though.

- Oh! that's great. - Alright.

Tell me, what's the name of this play, hm?

- "The Prince And The Rose." - "Prince And The Rose?"

Yeah, and I get to play the prince.

You're gonna play the prince?

Yeah, and since he has the longest part

he gets out of homework the most.

Lot of us volunteered, but I got picked.

Well, I can hardly wait to see that play.

There's girls in it.

I'll try not to let that spoil it for you.

Dinner is ready.

Oh, in that case, you take

that grubby body out

and you get it cleaned up.

- Okay? - Okay.

Well, how about that?

Eddie is going to play the prince.

Oh, nice. He'll make a good prince.

Oh! I think he'll make an excellent prince

but if I remember correctly

I think the prince has to wake up

the princess out of a magic spell

by kissing her.

- Yes. - Ah-ha!

Well, then either he doesn't know that

or he figures it's worth it

to get out of the homework.

Or he has changed his mind about girls.

- Which one do you think it is? - Oh, no, no.

I'm not gonna ask him, but I'll bet you

he doesn't know there's a kiss involved.

♪♪

"It is kind of you to share your food with me, woodsman."

"What little I have here, you're welcome to."

Okay, Harold.

"Your Highness! Your Highness!

These townspeople."

Jay! Richie!

[Mrs. Pick] Jay! Richie!

"These townspeople have led me

to a beautiful lady lying asleep in the woods."

"The Princess Sofia?"

"Yes, Your Highness, I'm sure it is."

Now, put down your lunch, Eddie, and get up.

Very good.

"I must go, woodsman. I have found my princess at last."

Okay, now walk off. And everybody follow.

Very good. Very good. Okay.

Everybody in.

You know, for the first time we've read this play

you are all doing splendidly.

Now, where's our evil witch? Uh, Debbie, hah.

You are lurking over here in the trees

until it's time for you to rush out.

I'll tell you when.

Now, what happens in this final scene, Eddie...

Eddie! Boys!

What happens in this scene, Eddie

is that you find the princess

for whom you've been searching.

But she is under a spell

cast by the evil witch.

And that spell can only

be broken by your kiss.

♪♪

[laughter]

- My kiss? - Yes.

I have to kiss Elsie?

[Mrs. Pick] If you don't she won't wake up.

Where do I have to kiss her?

On the lip.

Shh.

[laughing]

Does it say that in here?

[Mrs. Pick] Oh, yes.

Remember, the evil witch created a spell

by a poison on a rose petal.

Only a kiss on the lips

from her true love

can take away that spell.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

So, uh, what happened after you found out

you had to kiss the princess?

Well, Mrs. Pick said that I didn't have to kiss her

if I didn't want to during rehearsal.

What did you say?

I didn't want to.

So, then you...

You only have to kiss her the night of the play.

Only?

Dad, don't you understand?

I wouldn't mind waking her up by shaking her

like Mrs. Livingston does for me

but kissing her on the lips...

What, didn't Mrs. Pick explain all that to you?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Well, kissing is a lot more romantic than shaking.

♪♪

How many ladies have you ever kissed?

Well, I don't know.

But, uh, I don't know.

So many you've lost count.

[chuckles] Well, no, it isn't that I've lost count.

I never kept count.

And you really like it?

Yes, I do, with the right person.

Blech! What's so great about it?

Eddie, look.

It is a long accepted sign of love and affection.

Yeah, but dad.

- That's family kissing. - Um.

I want to know why you do it with ladies

and why you like it? Really?

That makes me feel nice.

Like what?

It's a little hard to describe.

- Do you tingle all over? - Where did you hear that?

Oh, I heard the 12th graders talkin' about it.

Twelfth, the 12th graders?

- Yeah. - Oh, well. Ahem.

Yes, I have, uh...

...been known to tingle all over.

Is it just wet and mushy as it looks?

Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

How can you stand that?

Well, Eddie, it's-it's something

you just have to experience to appreciate.

Boy, am I ever gonna experience it?

You maybe pleasantly surprised.

Bet you I don't tingle all over.

♪♪

[Tom] Yeah.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

These letters have to be signed.

May I call you back, please?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Tina.

Oh, I almost forgot to ask you. How's Eddie doing?

- Oh, the prince? - Yeah.

Well, he's hanging in there.

Of course, the big kiss isn't due

for a couple of days yet.

You know, Mr. Corbett

I think you're doing a wonderful job.

Oh, well, thank you, Tina.

Wonderful job of what?

Well, initiating Eddie

into the mysteries of love.

Guiding him through his first real experience.

Tina, don't you think you're making

a little more of this than is necessary?

How can you say that, Mr. Corbett?

Oh, it's easy. I believe it.

But what we are talking about

is setting up a lifelong pattern

for a successful man-woman relationship.

Untying all of those knots

before they have a chance to get tied.

Taking that all important first step

on the long road to manhood.

Tina, it's just a kiss.

Just a kiss. If anybody is taking a step, it's Eddie.

Oh, no, I-I know that, but, you see

a son gets his whole sense

of sexual direction from his father.

All I tried to do was not make a big thing of it.

But if you weren't there to put everything

in it's proper perspective, he probably wouldn't be

able to handle it either.

Well, then in that case.

Alright, Tina, I accept that I'm now a candidate

for Father of the Year and I have the magic touch.

I take full credit now for having the most mature

nine-year-old in our block.

[telephone ringing]

Uh, Mr. Corbett's office.

Uh, he's busy right now. Could I take a message?

Yes, thank you. I'll tell him.

Bye.

Well, what's the message, Tina?

Tina?

Tina?

That was Eddie's teacher.

He quit the play.

♪♪

You have left the play?

[Eddie] Yup.

Why?

Because I live in the wrong country.

Because you live in wrong country?

What do you mean?

Well, for instance, if I was an Eskimo

all I'd have to do with Elsie would be rub noses.

That is the way Eskimos kiss.

Yeah, I guess it's so cold up there

they're afraid of getting their lips

stuck together or something.

Rubbing noses is their custom, Eddie.

And I heard in another place

they pulled on each other's ears like this.

- You do live here. - Yeah.

Sure wish I could leave the country for a few days.

Norman, can I talk to you for a second?

[Norman] Sure, Tom. Come on in.

Well, either you ought to be the fashion editor of this magazine

and you went to some party last night.

No, the party is tonight.

I'm taking you to the music center.

Benefit performance at midnight dance.

- Right. Yeah. - Oh, you forgot.

Hey, would you tie my tie for me? I can't seem to do it.

Oh, sure. It's not that I forgot, Norman.

It's just I got a lot of other things on my mind.

That's all. Eddie quit the school play.

I, uh, heard about it. News travels fast.

He doesn't wanna kiss the little girl.

Yeah, and that's what the teacher said.

Hm. Well, what does he say?

I don't know. I haven't talked to him yet.

- And what do you say? - I want to see what you'd say.

- Well, I say... Too tight. - Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Well, I can't do it this way. Turn around, will you?

And bend down a little bit more. Yeah, that's it.

Now stoop down a little bit. That's right. That's right.

Uh, w-why am I tying your tie at four o'clock in the afternoon

when the benefit isn't till midnight?

Because I don't wanna be late.

I don't wanna miss anything.

You know, everybody's gonna be there.

It's gonna be terrific, you walk up to this theatre

on a big, long red carpet, uh-huh.

And they have searchlights, big searchlights

playing around over your face.

Oh, that'll be a first for my face.

Yeah, Norman, a little bit lower

and left. Fine. No, right there.

Hey, you know, I'm serious and you're just kidding around.

I mean, look, I understand that you're worried about Eddie.

Uh, it's not that I'm worried.

I just don't know what to do, Norman.

That's all.

Well, I don't know what you should do, either--

But tell me what you think.

Well, I think that a healthy fear of a young girl's lips

is very normal for a healthy young boy.

Yeah, especially when you have to kiss her, uh

in front of a full audience, huh?

I remember the first girl I ever kissed.

- Really? - Yeah.

- How old were you? - Six.

- Six? - Mm-hmm.

Wow, you were pretty young.

It wasn't love.

Just plain sex?

Chocolate.

- Chocolate? - Yeah.

When I was a kid, I loved chocolate.

And she had just eaten a whole chocolate bar.

- So you kissed her, right? - Yeah.

Yeah, and?

I didn't have anymore chocolate

until I was 15.

Oh, I-I see.

Tell me, uh, uh, how is all this

supposed to help Eddie?

Well, maybe he can get the little girl in the play

and put chocolate all over her face.

Oh, Norman, this is not one of your more helpful days.

- I am getting tired. - Look, alright.

Well, just one second, okay?

[sighs] Well, listen

if he doesn't listen, you are a parent.

It's about time you got strict and put your foot down.

Oh, thank you very much, Norman.

- Okay, you can stand up now. - Maybe.

Come on. Come on.

- I'll tell you a thing, though. - What?

- You have a problem. - What is it?

By midnight tonight, you better change out of your sneakers.

♪♪

What did Mrs. Pick have to say?

That they need you.

Hey, they could use Vance Overmyer.

He's always trying to kiss the girls.

Oh, is that right?

Well, I will admit that that may give him

an advantage in one area

but he may not be a good actor.

Vance can do it.

She said that there isn't time

to teach anybody else the part before the show.

Dad, Mrs. Pick is a nice lady

and a good teacher.

I don't wanna make any more trouble for her

but I don't wanna do the play, either.

Eddie, if you'd said that before

I don't think there would've been any problem.

And if there had been, I would've backed you up.

Mrs. Pick talked to me about the play and I like her

but then it was a whole week away

and now the play is only day after tomorrow.

Yes, I understand.

And I got to kiss Elsie

in front of a million people.

I mean, you don't kiss a lady

until there's a big crowd around you, then do it.

Well, Eddie, when I kiss a lady

I'm not entertaining an audience.

Well, I'm entertaining the guys already.

You know how they're laughing at me?

Well, Eddie, okay.

I can see where they could kid you a little bit

but I don't think that oughta make a difference.

Even if they call you lover lips?

- Lover lips? - Yeah.

How would you like it if Uncle Norman and Tina

went around calling you lover lips all day long?

Okay, Eddie, I, uh, I can see

why there would be a, a problem and some difficulties

but everybody is depending on you.

And at this point

I'm afraid you created an obligation

and a responsibility.

So what you are saying is I have to do it?

Yes, I'm saying you have to do it.

It's one of those situations

whether you like it or not...

...you're stuck.

If I don't wanna go out on that stage

how's anybody gonna make me?

Well, I hope, Eddie, it doesn't get to that point.

♪♪

Who would have thought the benefit was next week

instead of this week?

Anybody who looked at the tickets.

Okay, listen. What did Eddie say exactly?

"If I don't wanna go out on that stage

how is anybody going to make me?"

What did you say?

Well, it didn't make any difference

because I didn't have the answer to his question.

Well, there's one good thing about coming down here

on the wrong night, Norman.

- What's that? - It's easy to find your car.

[Tom] And so as the crowd slowly leaves

the beautiful music set in.

[Norman] I'm embarrassed. This is the first time

I have left the tickets home like this.

[Tom] You know, I wish I could promise Eddie

this audience for his play.

- You mean, just us? - Yeah.

Then he might be willing to do it.

[water splashing]

[sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

Eddie, come inside.

- It's okay, Mrs.-- - Come inside.

Oh, you're all wet.

I was just looking at the stars through my telescope.

You'll catch a bad cold

and you will be sick for your play.

Go dry yourself off.

I won't catch a cold, Mrs. Livingston.

Uh...

Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.

[sighs] Eddie, that was really a very foolish thing for you to do.

I know, dad, but, uh

sometimes you can see the stars better early in the evening.

Is that right? And you think

you can see the stars better

if you're standing outside

with a soaking-wet head in a breeze?

Well, s-sometimes a breeze can blow away all the smoke

so you can see the stars better.

What about the wet head, hm?

Does it help clear up the brains

so you can better appreciate what you're seeing?

- Hm? - No.

Eddie, I'm very serious about this now.

You could've gotten much worse than a cold

and been in bed for a couple of days.

You could've gotten terribly ill.

I'm sorry, dad. I won't do that again.

And I hope not. And I don't care how many girls you have to kiss.

I know it was a dumb thing to do

but you just don't understand my problem.

You know, there's a good possibility

that I may understand a little more than you think.

I want you to know something.

I once was in the same kind of a spot that you are now.

- You were? - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You see, there were these friends of my family

my mother and father, they had a daughter.

She couldn't get a date for this dance, you see.

So my parents told me that I had to take her.

Grandma and grandpa did that to you?

Yeah, yeah, well, I told them it was bad enough

that I had to go, but, uh

boy, I sure didn't wanna have to kiss her.

You had to kiss her, too?

Well, there was what they called

uh, the ring dance, you see?

And at one certain point in the middle of all this

you had to stop and kiss your partner.

What happened?

Well, my father told me

he said, uh, "Just close your eyes

and pretend it's your mother."

So?

- I kissed her. - How was it?

Well, it wasn't bad.

It was, uh, it was, uh... Well, I'll tell you.

I'll-I'll-I'll be perfectly honest with you.

- It was wet and mushy. - See, dad?

Suppose I'm out there on the stage

and at the last minute I just can't do it?

Well, you can't worry about that, Eddie.

I mean, I know that when the time comes

you're gonna pull through.

Now look, there's an old expression

that a coward dies a thousand deaths

a brave man dies but one.

Now, do you know what that means?

Sure. Either way you lose.

♪♪

Excuse me.

Wow, good seats these are.

Yeah, well, I'm a friend of the prince.

Hey, Paul, boy, there are a lot of people out there.

- How many? - A lot.

And you know why they're all there?

Why?

To see Eddie make love to Elsie.

Will you guys cut it out?

He wants to get in the mood.

What he needs is some music.

♪ Lover lips lover lips lover lover lips ♪

♪ Lover lips lover lips lover lover lips ♪

♪ Lover lips... ♪♪

Hey! Stop making so much noise.

And Eddie what are you doing with that staff?

Stoppin' on from making so much noise.

And so I will travel the land far and wide

until I find my princess.

- Yes, My Lord. - Now, let us be off.

- Eddie is very good. - He's brilliant.

Shh-shh-shh.

It is kind of you to share your food with me, woodsman.

What little I have, you are welcome to, Your Highness.

Your Highness, Your Highness, these townspeople...

Come on.

[chuckling]

These townspeople have led me

to a beautiful lady lying asleep in the woods.

- The Princess Sofia? - Yes, Your Highness.

I'm sure it is.

I must go, woodsman. I have found my princess at last.

♪♪

[audience applauding]

Well, is that a prince or is that a prince?

♪♪

- This is the scene. - Yes, I know. I know.

I haven't been this nervous

since the first time I was kissed.

♪♪

There is your lady, Your Highness.

It is the princess.

[Sandra] Oh, kiss her, Your Highness.

Without your kiss she can never awaken

from the spell of the evil witch.

I will kiss her.

Beware. Beware.

[both] The witch. The witch.

Beware of what, evil witch?

If you kiss the princess, you will die.

I do not believe you.

You do not believe me?

There is one thing more powerful than your magic.

And what's that, may I ask?

- Love. - Love?

Yes, love is the greatest magic in all the world.

Beware. Beware.

He did not take handkerchief.

It's-it's okay. Alright.

- It is my prince. - Yes.

[applause]

[sneezes]

Oh, boy. God bless you.

Here you go. Have some hot lemonade.

Now, it wasn't so bad, was it?

- I like it better cold. - No.

No, I mean the show tonight?

You were very good. Everybody said so.

Yeah. I guess, it could've been worse.

I could've cut my lip on her braces.

♪♪

What are you thinking about, sport?

An old saying.

"How high is up?"

You mean generally speaking or right now?

Generally speaking.

Now that we're into space

I guess there is no end to the up.

There's no end our up either.

You can't play tennis unless you can climb the stairs.

That's like the saying

"You can't have milk unless you have a cow."

Explain.

Well, not every tennis court

is up at the top of a big bunch of steps.

Why don't we find one that's at the bottom

of a big bunch of steps?

Then we'd have to climb up the steps after the game.

Maybe next week we oughta go to the movies.

♪ People let me tell you bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa pa ra pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ People let me tell you bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪