Original subtitles

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my bestfriend♪

[Eddie] I guess it's not how you play the game

it's whether you win or lose.

[Tom] What?

[Eddie] It's not how you play the game

it's whether you win or lose.

[Tom] Mm, I think you have that backwards, champ.

[Eddie] You mean, it's not whether you win or lose

but how you play the game?

[Tom] That's the way the saying goes, yeah.

[Eddie] Then how come the winning team has all the parties?

[Tom] 'Cause they are celebrating.

[Eddie] Why doesn't the winning team

throw a party for the losing team?

[Tom] If we had your way, it would be a beautiful world.

[Eddie] There sure would be an awful lot of parties.

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy my up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

But I don't understand.

Tina, it is not that complicated.

Look, "Soviet editor, Irena Kosnova

"arriving in your office to study

"American methods of publication.

"You are directed to offer every assistance and courtesy

to our foreign visitor" and it's signed the home office.

No, I understand what it says, I just don't understand

why we have to "Offer every assistance

and courtesy" to a Russian editor.

- Why not? - Well...

They don't offer any assistance to us.

Now, that's not true, Tina. We cooperate in a lot of ways.

How about the space program?

Our astronauts and their cosmonauts

and our scientists, exchanging information.

As a matter of fact, last year, uh, Ms. Kosnova's editor

visited here and I had a chance to meet him.

Yeah? What was he like?

He seemed like a very nice person.

- Seemed. - Oh, Tina.

Mr. Corbett, do you really think we can be friends?

I think we better try.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt.

But don't give away any secrets.

What kind of secrets, Tina?

Well, um, how little you pay your secretary for example--

Yes, yes. Well, I'll be very quiet about that.

I wouldn't want to embarrass the United States.

Don't fall for any tricks.

- Tina. - What?

The only information that Comrade Kosnova

is gonna get out of me is my name.

- Yeah. - My rank.

- Yeah. - My serial number.

Now, cut it out will you, please?

Mr. Corbett, I'm serious.

Oh, Tina, look

why don't we just give the lady a chance?

- She may be a very nice person. - Yeah.

And she may be a tough old lady commissar too.

Oh, Tina...

♪♪

Comrade Kosnova is here.

Oh?

The tough old lady commissar.

Tina, show her in.

- Ah, how do you do? - Mr. Corbett.

On behalf of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics

I want to thank you for your very kind invitation.

Well, on behalf of the United States Of America

welcome.

Uh, Tina...

Won't you, uh, be seated, please?

- Uh, and you. - Thank you, thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

Well, I, um, I had the pleasure of meeting your boss.

Uh, pardon me, editor, uh, Gregor Sim--

- Siminovich? - Yes, Siminovich. Thank you.

Uh, last year in San Francisco at the convention of editors.

Yes. I know.

Well, I-I found

that we were in remarkable agreement.

I am quite sure.

And I'm sure that, uh, you and I will find

common grounds of discussion too.

I am here to observe

not to forge alliances.

This is my first trip abroad

and my government has placed

high responsibilities upon me.

And I am sure with justification.

Well, anyway, when you, uh, when you see Gregor on return

I would certainly appreciate your giving him my best regards.

I'm afraid I cannot do that.

Then perhaps just hello?

Mr. Siminovich is no longer connected with the publication.

Oh, oh, I didn't, I didn't, uh...

I didn't, I didn't know that.

Um, tell me, wh-what is he doing these days?

Serving the motherland in some other...

...less sensitive position.

I see.

It is a mistake I do not intend to repeat.

Yes, yes, of course.

Well, shall we, uh, shall we progress?

Yes, let us dispense with politics

and commence with a description of a typical day

in the life of an American editor.

A typical day?

Well, let me see.

I, uh, I get up in the mornings.

Good.

I have breakfast with my son.

Uh, well, then I go down and get in my car.

Your company car?

No, my personal car.

Mm, on which you pay exorbitant interest rates

to a bank which maintains the title

and which lasts exactly until the final payment is made.

Uh, anyway, I, uh, continue to the office in my car

for which I paid cash, by the way.

- Oh. - Yes.

Uh, then I park it

outside in the parking lot

right next to all of the personal cars

of all the other workers.

Who also paid cash?

Touche.

Mr. Corbett, in Russia we could have more cars too

but we do not want smog.

Uh, yes, well, anyway, when I arrive here

first thing I do is, uh, is to read my mail

and then I check up on all the new sources.

Uh, both foreign and domestic.

Then I try to formulate a plan for the issue

that we are currently working on.

Yes. Now... in what manner is that done?

I mean, how does the government communicate its requirements?

Well, the United States' government

doesn't tell me what to print.

I see. You are, um...

- Reliable? - Well, thank you very much.

I think I prefer to say... independent.

Yes, but suppose in your independence

you make a mistake, now, how is censorship enforced?

If I make a mistake

in that I fail

to either inform or to entertain

yes, I am censored.

- Ah. - By our readers.

If they don't like my work, then they don't buy our paper.

But, Ms. Kosnova

I think you really know how things are done here.

- Don't you? - Yes.

I know how things are done.

♪♪

And, now, I want to see the presses.

Oh, yes, of course, Tina, would you in for a moment, please?

Hm. I have most in common with the workers.

Ah. Oh, Tina, if you will, please?

Would you show Ms. Kosnova the presses

and anything else she may ask to see?

Yes, Mr. Corbett.

And I look forward to seeing you later.

Thank you.

And now, Comrade Tina, tell me

how much are you paid?

Oh, we don't like to discuss those things.

- You are being exploited. - Ye-yeah.

Yeah, m-my car is falling apart, and if I don't get a raise

I won't be able to afford a new one.

And then you will have to walk.

No, I'll borrow my roommate's.

Oh.

♪♪

But what did she look like?

She looks like everybody else.

Does she have a gun?

No, Eddie. She does not have a gun.

- She is an editor. - But a communist.

Yes.

But she looks like everybody else.

Yes, she does, Eddie.

No wonder those communist

can steal all the military secrets.

Eddie, she's not a spy, she's a newspaper lady.

Now, where do you get all these ideas anyway?

Around.

Around?

- From the kids. - Oh, the kids.

Well, it is difficult for children

to understand the politics.

Yes, it's difficult for adults too.

♪♪

Well, tell me, did our workers give you

all the information that you needed?

Oh, yes, but they could not expect me to believe

such inflated salaries.

Well, you're perfectly welcome to look at our payroll records.

They have a very strong union.

In Russia the state provides for the workers.

We do not need unions.

Yes, there's a lot of people who think we don't need unions too.

Oh, the automated presses.

Even if they are showcase models

obviously designed to impress foreigners

are quite remarkable.

And so are you.

I really don't understand why you came here

if you choose not to believe your own eyes.

What I believe is not important.

I understand that a host must try

to put his best foot forward.

Being a-a host, uh

would I be rude in asking

what you do evenings?

I'd stay in my hotel and I write my reports.

I just thought perhaps you, you might enjoy an evening

in an American home.

Would you, uh, would you care to join me

for dinner with my son this evening?

♪♪

Thank you. I would like that very much.

Fine, well, then I'll arrange all the transportation

and is there anything else I can do for you?

Yes, this afternoon I would like to visit

your department stores and see with my own eyes

all the inexpensive items

so readily available to your workers.

And I would like you to see them too.

As a matter of fact I'll arrange my secretary

to accompany you.

Uh, you do not trust me alone?

[Tom] And, uh, j-just a word in passing, Mrs. Livingston

uh, Ms. Kosnova is a, um,

dedicated representative of her country.

Well, it's quite possible you see that she...

she may say something terribly provocative

and if I don't respond

it's not that I agree or disagree with what she said

it's just that, uh...

Well, I don't think there'd be any purpose in it

and she is a guest.

I understand. One must honor a guest.

Exactly.

♪♪

How am I supposed to act?

You are not supposed to act at all.

You're supposed to just be yourself.

Just like she is.

How does she act?

Well, she is a little distant.

That's because she's taken a long trip.

- And she's away from home. - Yes, that's right.

- Does she wear a uniform? - Oh, Eddie, no.

She wear's ordinary clothes.

- Is she any fun? - Mm-hm.

But she's fun in a different way

because she's from a different country.

- Oh. - Ah.

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, Ms. Kosnova. - Mr. Corbett.

Oh, some vodka, from the motherland.

Well, how, uh, how terribly thoughtful of you.

- Is this... - Yes, that's Eddie.

Well...

...for you I have a Russian spaceship.

- Do you like it? - Yeah.

Oh, I'm glad.

[indistinct]

Mwah.

The, uh, the Russians are very fond of children, sport.

- May I take your coat for you? - Oh, thank you.

- Mm-hm. - Well...

Well, you did find a few things

at our workers' department store.

Yes. I am a bit embarrassed

but Tina insisted I try it.

Is it alright?

You did ask Tina to go with you?

- Yes. - Well, I'm glad.

And as to how it looks

you are very fashionable.

Thank you.

My, what a beautiful apartment?

- Well, thank you. - Tell me, how many live here?

Well, just the two of us, Eddie and I.

I mean, normally, when you are not entertaining.

- Just Eddie and I. - Such spacious quarters.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, wasteful Americans.

Well... Oh, Mrs. Livingston.

May I introduce Ms. Kosnova.

Ah, the lady of the house.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

You are a member of the family?

I am the housekeeper.

Oh. Are you happy here?

Yes, I am happy.

But you are not smiling.

[chuckles]

Now, you are happy.

Uh, Mrs. Livingston

she is your servant?

Uh, housekeeper.

In Russia, we do not approve of servants.

Oh, then the premiere must do his own dishes

and the chairman make his own bed?

- Touche. - Thank you.

We do still have those things.

In that extent, we have failed to achieve true communism.

I'm afraid we are still influenced by the bushwawest.

Yes. Everything bad comes from the west.

Oh, no. You play very good basketball.

Ha-ha. Thank you very much. May I offer you a drink?

- Yes. - Uh, vodka?

- Of course. - Oh.

- But no ice, please. - No ice.

And you, my little one, with the enormous eyes

do you enjoy living with a decadent imperialist, huh?

I guess.

Goodnight, sir.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Livingston.

I hope you don't mind eating early

but Eddie has to get to bed

and I don't like to keep Mrs. Livingston too late.

Of course, I understand.

You wish to avoid overtime.

Come on. We go in, now. I'm starving.

Oh, Ms. Kosnova, if you'd like to sit here

and Eddie beside you.

But there are only three places.

Yes, yes.

Mrs. Livingston does not eat with you?

Uh, no, not usually.

In true communism there would not be servants.

But we need Mrs. Livingston.

Oh, poor pretty.

I know you do not have a mother.

But in my country everyone would be your mother.

The state would be your mother.

I can't do without Mrs. Livingston.

She takes care of me.

Well, there would be nurseries

and, uh, many wonderful toys

and lovely places to play

and the love of other children and dedicated workers.

I think he is pretty happy with our system.

What do you mean about the toys?

Well, instead of only a few having playthings

in communism, all would share in all things.

There would be plenty for all.

- Horses too? - Oh, yes.

Horses and brown bears in the zoo

and everyone equally.

[Tom] Ms. Kosnova

everyone in Russia is not equal.

You have as much class distinction as we do.

True, but that is because we have not yet

achieved true communism.

But once we have

will it not be a beautiful world?

Oh, why should some have more?

Why should the rich boy have more toys than the poor one?

- Huh? - Yeah.

But if we all share everything

how we would love one another?

The state would be our mother

we would all have plenty and live happy, good

productive lives in peace and brotherhood.

- Yeah! - Yeah, what?

I wanna be a communist!

Oh!

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, that was a wonderful meal.

Ah, thank you.

Capitalism rewards its lieutenants.

[laughs] Thank you.

And this is marvelous brandy.

- Cognac. - Mm.

Hm.

Mr. Eddie's father, I am finished now.

Oh, thank you. Goodnight, Mrs. Livingston.

And Eddie is in bed waiting for you.

- Oh, fine. - I thank you, Mrs. Livingston.

The meal was superb.

Uh, are you permitted to take the leftovers?

Uh... Well, I'll see you on Monday, Mrs. Livingston.

Oh, do not worry, little lamb.

The revolution is coming.

Someday you too will be free.

Mwah, mwah.

Oh, may I say goodnight to Eddie?

No propaganda.

Nyet.

♪♪

Uh, goodnight, Mrs. Livingston.

Goodnight.

♪♪

[singing in foreign language]

And so to sleep, temnyye glaza.

- "Temnyye glaza?" - Yes.

In Russian that means "Dark eyes."

Goodnight.

[speaking in foreign language]

♪♪

I'll be right back.

Well, then, sport, how's it going?

- Pretty good. - Ah.

Had a good time tonight, huh?

Yeah. I sure did.

That's good, that's good.

- Dad. - Yeah?

Does it ever ocureto you

that we were looking for a new mother in the wrong place?

No, it never ocuredto me.

[both laughing]

Then maybe we should try the communist.

They seem real good at it.

[chuckles]

Yeah. Goodnight, sport.

♪♪

- Goodnight, dad. - Goodnight.

- Spooky nachi. - Hm?

Spooky nachi, dark eyes.

Oh.

♪♪

Pardon me, wh-what are you doing?

- I-I am looking for, um, box. - Box?

You suggested that the FBI and CIO would not be interested

to learn what is being said here tonight.

Uh. The FBI a-and the what, and the what?

- CIO. - "CIO?"

The CIO is an American labor union.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yes. Yeah.

- What you're after is the CIA. - Oh.

I can promise you there are no microphones here.

- Mm? - Mm-hm.

Now, you are wasting fuel.

We do not need a fire for warmth.

Now, we probably don't need it, but... sure is fun.

Fun? Pleasures are for people--

No, pleasures, pleasures are important. They are.

Sometimes I think they're more important than ideology.

Would you mind if I made a suggestion?

- A suggestion? - Yes.

I mean, j-just for a little while couldn't we try to forget

that you're a communist and I'm a capitalist

and, uh, concentrate on areas

that we might have in common?

Oh. Like what?

- Well, um, we're both people. - Hm.

Nice people, I hope.

Now, that's-that's not-not too much

to agree on, is it?

Hm, no.

You are nice people.

Ah, thank you very much.

And you are a pretty lady.

What?

Thank you.

You see? We're already off to a great start.

[laughs] Yes.

You have a very nice son.

Thank you very much. I agree with you.

I think he's a fine young man.

I don't know what else to say.

- Hey, how about music? - Music?

Sure, music is common ground.

Would you like me to play something for you?

Yes. A vibrant Russian folk song, uh?

Well, tha-that's nice, I was thinking of something that had

a little more, um, a little more rock in it, you know like...

♪ Dun tssh tssh tssh duh ♪

Something to get the body moving.

Well, Russian music makes your body move.

Oh, yes, yeah, but not the same way.

- How about a compliment? - Alright.

Good.

♪♪

Uh, may I have a little more brandy too?

- Cognac. - Cognac, cognac.

Well, um

here is to...

...people.

♪♪

It is, uh, necessary to understand something

before one can condemn it.

That is the first time

we have reached an agreement.

♪♪

Well, for a radical socialist

you've got rhythm.

♪♪

Well, I think we gained a better understanding

of each other.

Please. I may come in?

Oh, yes, please. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning, Tina.

Good morning.

Uh, tell me

did you have a good sleep last night?

Oh, I slept well.

But I did not wake well. Oh...

Oh, little, uh...

Well, maybe one of these days

your side as tou ours will invent a cure for the hangover.

Won't you sit down?

♪♪

I, I am leaving this morning.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I enjoyed my visit.

I've enjoyed your visit too.

I learned that there are some things

that are... not as I thought.

Yes.

But I have not changed

my political beliefs

in the slightest.

Alright.

Where will you be going next?

I must inspect the decadent kept press

of Minneapolis, Missouri.

- Um, Minneapolis, Missouri? - Yes.

Yes, well, um

I think they better watch their step.

Will you say goodbye to Eddie for me?

Of course.

And tell him I will always remember

his... beautiful eyes.

♪♪

Yes.

Well...

Well...

On behalf of the Union Of Soviet Socialist Republics

I thank you for all your kindness.

On behalf of the United States Of America

it was indeed a pleasure

and from Tom Corbett...

Dasvidaniya.

Goodbye, Tom.

♪♪

- Mrs. Livingston. - Yes?

What do you know about communism?

Why?

Well, you know, like, everybody

loving everybody and everybody sharing things.

- Yes? - Isn't that a good idea?

It sounds good, but there's one trouble.

I got some friends together

other day and said that we should

share our toys.

What happened?

The only ones who wanted to share their toys

were the ones who didn't have any.

That is a trouble.

Oh...

[Eddie] When you were a kid

did you take walks with your father?

[Tom] Yeah. Yeah, I did, Eddie.

[Eddie] And did you have a good time like I have?

[Tom] Sure.

[Eddie] And did you ask more questions

like I do?

[Tom] Yes. I did, Eddie.

[Eddie] No wonder you know all the answers.

[Tom] When you grow up, Eddie, you're gonna have

your own child to walk and talk with.

[Eddie] Will he ask me questions too?

[Tom] Sure.

[Eddie] And I'll have all the answers

because I'll remember what you told me.

[Tom] Oh. I'd like to think so.

Hey, hey, what's the matter, sport?

[Eddie] Suppose he asks me questions

I forgot to ask you.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy my up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talking man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪