Original subtitles

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪

[Eddie] How come sometimes I do things wrong?

[Tom] Because you haven't learned.

[Eddie] No, I mean, when I know it's wrong

but I still do it.

[Tom] Well, that's because you still haven't learnt.

[Eddie] How do I learn?

[Tom] Well, Eddie, if you keep doing it wrong

you're gonna wind up unhappy.

[Eddie] But until then, it's a lot of fun.

[Tom] Well, fun isn't always the answer, sport.

[Eddie] Then, doing wrong is okay as long as I'm learning?

[Tom] Well, yes, you're allowed to make mistakes, Eddie.

[Eddie] Did you ever stop to think how hard it is to grow up?

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

♪♪

Oh, I really can hardly believe you're here.

I didn't even know that you were in this town.

Oh, I would've called you sooner but I wasn't sure

you'd be glad to hear from me.

- Why not? - Well, um...

- Uh... - Thank you.

Old lovers can be pretty disillusioning

especially after ten years.

Only if old lovers were fat and ugly

which in this case is not the case.

Oh, flattery will get you into trouble.

Oh, well, that's one of the advantages

of being ten years older.

It's easier to cope with trouble.

[chuckles] You're more elegant at your compliments too.

Well, it's probably because I feel safe.

- I think I've been insulted. - You have not.

You have been... regretfully, respected.

[chuckles] You always know how to get around me.

Sure, so you ran off and you married, uh...

- What's his name? - Burgess, Burgess Carew.

Yes, unforgivable.

Oh, you try to forgive me because Burgess turned into Buzz

and marriage turned into divorce.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Well, it's really all your fault.

For not marrying me first.

Well, you're gonna have to forgive me.

And I must say you weathered it beautifully

because you just look fantastic.

You're a very nice friend.

I hope so.

Listen, I know that divorce under any circumstances

is not easy, I just hope that yours isn't bitter.

I don't know how to answer that.

Bitter's not the right word.

Strange, maybe.

Buzz wasn't an ordinary husband.

He's not an ordinary ex-husband either.

Oh, well, I gather you still see each other then.

Oh, yes. More than I care to.

What do you mean?

- Don't look to your right. - Huh?

Don't, uh-uh, uh-uh, that man behind the pillar.

- Mm-hm. - That's my ex-husband.

- You're kidding? - Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Now, get ready, and I'll-I'll tell you when to look.

- Okay. - One, two, three, look.

♪♪

Does that give you some idea?

Oh, yeah, like, um, it gives me some idea, alright.

♪♪

- Tom Corbett? - No.

Tina Rickles. Tom Corbett is in there.

- I know you're not Tom Corbett. - Can I help you?

Is there any history of hemophilia

in the Corbett family?

- I beg your pardon? - Bleeding sickness.

- Is this a survey? - No.

I just wanted to be sure

before I beat him to a pulp.

Mr. Corbett, I'm sorry but he just came barging right in.

Well, tha-tha-that's, that's alright, Tina.

Uh, Mr. Carew and I sort of know each other.

- But, Mr. Corbett, he's-- - Tina, it's alright.

Well, what may I do for you?

Put 'em up.

Put 'em up!

- Why? - So I can punch your eyeball.

Oh, I don't think I'd like that. Won't you sit down?

Ah, no, it's not gonna be that easy, Corbett.

You're gonna have to fight your way out of this one.

I, I don't really want to. Can't we just talk?

- Fight! Can you fight? - Pretty good.

Oh pretty... Pretty good?

Boxing team in college.

- How good? - Team captain.

Alright, we can skip the fighting

and get on to the main idea.

Oh, good, I, I like that. Please be seated.

Well...

I want you to stay away from my wife.

Yes, while I can see you're a man who is obviously

easily disturbed, uh, I would like to assure you

that I have no romantic interest in yourex-wife.

- We're just old friends. - Don't kid me, Corbett!

Why should I kid you? I can beat you at fighting.

Yeah, that does lend a certain credence to what you say.

What do you mean, "old friends?"

I mean, I've known her for years.

During our marriage?

Before your marriage.

Good friends?

Good friends.

A good enough friend to wanna help.

I didn't come here for help, I came here to warn you

to stay away from my wife!

I can't promise you that.

Then I'll punch your nose bone.

Oh, I forgot, that doesn't work with you.

Remember, you've been warned.

Yes, I, uh...

...I certainly will try to remember, Mr. Carew

and now... goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh.

Nice meeting you, Corbett.

Thank you very much.

♪♪

How come if she's an old friend

I never met her before?

Well, because I was friends with her

lo-o-ong before I even knew you.

As a matter of fact, before I even knew

there was going to be a you.

Was I a surprise?

Oh, no.

You were definitely planned for.

You said that she had a son named Jimmy, my age.

But the father didn't live there anymore.

That's right.

They're divorced.

How come mothers and fathers get divorced?

Well, Eddie, sometimes people get married

and then they find out that they're not happy together

and since they don't wanna hurt each other

they decide if it's best to live apart.

Then, if she's divorced

that means she can get married again just like you can. Right?

Yes, but not to each other

because we are just friends.

Then how come you're dating her?

Oh, come on now, it's nice to visit your friends

especially, if you know that they're in trouble.

You mean because of the divorce?

Yeah, well, come on, don't you like to help your friends?

Remember when Billy broke his leg, I remember you used

to visit him all the time.

- Yeah, a duty call. - Well, more than that.

He was a friend of yours, and it's nice to visit friends

even if they're, if they're not feeling well.

You don't know how crabby Billy was when he broke his leg.

Ah, well, I, uh, I don't think

Mrs. Carew is gonna be very crabby, and, anyway

I think you're gonna like Jimmy.

- Is he divorced too? - Hey.

And that's the last word I wanna hear on that subject.

- Yes, sir. - That's two words.

- Yes, sir. - That's two words again.

I told you, come on, let's go you, come on!

♪♪

Okay, you two, this should keep your cars

from running right onto the patio.

- That's really neat. - That's...

Okay, enjoy yourselves.

Oh.

You're very good with children.

No, to tell the truth, children are very good with me.

I'm just lucky, that's all.

- Shall we? - Mm-hm.

By the way, I, uh...

...I had a visit from Buzz today.

Ah, terrific.

Well, it was alright

heh-heh, after a while.

- Coffee? - No, later, thank you.

He has a habit of doing that.

I hope he didn't disturb you.

No, no, I just gather

that he's not altogether divorced yet.

- Mm-mm. - Hm.

[Jimmy] It must be rough, not having a mother.

No, me and dad keep lookin' for one all the time.

I wish my dad still lived here

but it's not allowed if you're divorced.

Well, anyways, you still have a beautiful mother.

You know, my dad knew your mom before we were even born.

Yeah, I know.

I guess that almost makes us brothers.

Yeah, I guess so.

That'd be nice since neither of us has any brothers.

He seemed like sort of a nice guy

but he was sort of wild.

Well, Buzz is a nice place

to visit but you wouldn't wanna live there.

Oh, well...

I love the idea of the candles.

Well, I didn't have a fireplace.

Mm-hm.

They do look sort of friendly.

Yeah, that's it, just friendly.

- You're sure? - Yeah.

- Ah, that's too bad. - Yeah.

It'd be nice to have a brother of your own age.

But if they got married to someone else

and started a new family, then you could never

have a brother of your own age.

[bell rings]

Excuse me.

Hello. Hello, hello, he... Hey, hi, Corbett.

Ah, yes, hello.

Oh, I, uh, see she lit the candles for you, huh?

Oh, yes, yes.

She lights them for Sumner Blasingame too.

Who's Sumner Blasingame?

Exactly.

You must be Eddie.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm his dad. Hi, son. - Hi, dad.

Hey, it's dark in here.

Buzz, you shouldn't be here.

- You knew I was busy. - Now, don't mind me.

You just go on doing whatever you were doing.

- This is ridiculous. - No, no, no.

I don't wanna intrude, I just came over

to help Jimmy with his math homework.

That last report card wasn't too good--

- Well, not now! - Look here.

I can't let these things glide by, right, Corbett?

Ah, it is late.

Oh, no, Tom, please don't go.

Yes, stay, we can go inside.

You don't have to help Jimmy with his math now, I'll do it.

Mm-hm, I remember your check book balance.

I think I better take care of it.

Buzz, this is embarrassing.

Look, please, don't be embarrassed

it has been a lovely evening but it's getting late

and Eddie has school tomorrow. Okay, let's go, sport.

- Adults. - Yeah.

- Well, uh, good night. - Good night.

- Yes, good night, Jim. - Good night, I'm, I'm sorry.

Yeah, the... No, no, I, I know, I know.

♪♪

[Tom clears throat]

Hi, dad.

Hi, sport, how's the homework comin'?

- Pretty good. - Good.

- Dad? - Yeah.

Can you and I have a talk?

A talk?

Well... okay.

What may I do for you, sir?

You know, dad, I'm almost old enough to be left alone now.

You think so?

Yeah.

- Almost. - Oh, yes.

Well, in that case, uh

I think we better put it off for a while.

I-I'll stick around until Mrs. Livingston

gets back from her English class.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Might be just as well.

Yeah, I think it might be.

You takin' out your friend tonight?

Yes, I am.

That'll make her feel good.

Boy, I hope so.

Because right now, my friend will need me

and I must tell you, it's nice to be needed.

- Is it? - Hey, I need you.

And I need you.

[both] Right.

- Hey, listen you. - Yeah.

Get back to your homework, okay?

♪♪

- Ms. Rickles. - Oh, Mr. Carew.

Oh, it's nice to see you.

I'm sorry, we didn't get a chance

to talk our last time out.

Now, I've been looking forward to furthering our relationship

at the earliest possible opportunity.

Is Mr. Corbett in? Of course, he's in.

Don't bother to ring, I'll see you later.

Relax, I come in peace.

I don't even recall expecting you.

Ah, but we have interests in common, Tom.

You don't mind if I call you, Tom? You can call me Buzz.

We're gonna be seeing a lot of each other.

Oh, no, I don't intend to see a lot of you, Buzz.

I really don't, and I would prefer

if you didn't give me any static

about whether I can or cannot see Dolores.

Au contraire, mon frere.

- I'm on your side. - What side is my side?

Look, I'll be honest. Shall I be honest?

Oh, oh, sure, please, by all means, yeah.

Well, when I went inside with Jimmy

to do his, uh, new math

I wasn't only doing his new math.

No kidding.

Although, he does need help with his new math.

I see. Not doing well, hm?

Uh, compared to me, he is.

I mean, uh, the new math is very hard

for the old mathematician.

But while we were at it, uh

I sort of sounded him out, casually about you.

Swell.

And I must say

you left a very good impression with him.

Thank you.

He really likes you.

And he likes Eddie, and Dolores likes you.

And she likes Eddie too.

Yes.

So, first of all

I want you to know I'm not gonna punch you out.

I'm very glad to hear that.

And secondly, I want you to know

that I have given this matter my deepest consideration.

What matter is that, Buzz?

I've taken a good long look at you

and a good long look at myself

and I can honestly see that you'd be good for Dolores.

And I have to admit that you make a better father than I do

which should be good for the boy.

- Buzz. - Yeah?

Are you proposing to me?

In a way, yes.

- Strange. - Yes.

That's the general category.

Now, look, try to figure this.

Here is a couple, right?

Evident that they do not get along

they decide to get a divorce

they get a divorce.

Then he will not leave his ex-wife alone

and on top of that, he wants to pick a successor.

Oh, that part's not strange, he loves her.

Well, alright, maybe he does but why

why does she put up with all that?

She loves him.

What am I supposed to do? Marry her?

So they can live happily ever after?

No, no, no.

You're supposed to read between the lines

and help re-unite these star-crossed lovers.

- Star-crossed lovers? - Mm-hmm.

I just assumed to buy back, my original introduction.

You should help, Mr. Corbett.

I should mind my own business, Tina.

If they'd only let me.

Would you like my advice?

Go out with her, and tell him to go out with another girl.

He'll find somebody, and then

you will see two such jealous people.

Jealous?

If he gets anymore jealous

he's gonna be homicidal.

Right, but if you survive, he will have to admit

that he still wants to be married to her.

- And she will have-- - No, wait, no, Tina.

What... what makes you possibly think

that this is going to work?

Because I know why the Mona Lisa is smiling.

Oh, you do?

Just permanent intuition?

Well, I have nothing else to go with right now, so...

Alright, get her on the phone for me.

- You'll see. - Oh...

[sighs]

Oh, I just adore sea food.

Yes, not everybody can take it.

[chuckles] You've been talking to Buzz?

No, Buzz has been talking to me.

Oh, poor darling.

But he seemed so upset

when I told him, we were going out.

Yes, why did you tell him?

Because I believe in total honesty.

Well, some of the cruelest things are sometimes said

in the name of total honesty.

Maybe you're right, maybe I shouldn't have told him.

But he looked so forlorn.

Oh, forlorn, I don't think he looked forlorn.

As a matter of fact, I think he looked very pleased.

- You told him? - He told me.

Did he also happen to mention Sumner Blasingame?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I believe he did.

Well, what is he trying to prove?

Well, maybe he's trying to challenge...

[Dolores] Oh, I don't think so, I...

- Hey, hi there. - Hi

- Uh, hi. - Hi there.

I didn't know you two were going out to dinner tonight.

- Believe, just believe. - Mm-hmm.

I must say, you are looking absolutely terrific.

And I must say, I find this all rather embarrassing

and you've seen this dress a hundred thousand times before.

You are always a surprise to me, Dolores.

- What? - Did you happen to notice?

You and I are talking to each other

across a crowded room, and they and each other

are talking to each other across a crowded room?

Tina, why didn't you tell me

that you were coming with him tonight?

Don't you believe in total honesty?

Do you want a totally honest answer?

No, I don't want any answer at all.

Just look.

Hey.

Have I got a terrific idea.

Double dating can be fun.

Double dating can be fun.

Ah, Dolores, you look... what, terrific.

No, I know it's superficial of me

to be so concerned with how you look.

True.

I mean, everybody knows that there's no credit

to a beautiful person to look beautiful.

You know, it-it's what the homely person

does with himself that, that merits our admiration.

Oh, you only say that because you want admiration.

[laughs]

I think I'll freshen my make-up.

Would you like me to go with you?

Ah, no, thank you. I'd like him to go with me.

- Me? - Please.

Oh, if you will excuse us.

- Sure. - Oh, yes.

That was just an excuse to leave them alone together.

Yeah, they'll never guess, Tina.

Well, seems to be working.

Ah. Two martinis, straight up.

- He's wild about her. - He's wild.

A man driven by passion

and she, the victim of a force beyond her comprehension.

Yeah, yeah, you and your star-crossed lovers.

- Buzz. - Yes, darling.

Do you feel anywhere near the loathing for me

that I feel for you?

Probably. You know, you are bit of a witch.

You bring it out in me.

I can't tell you how furious I am about tonight.

Please don't try.

So, all I'm going to say, is while you tried

to ruin my evening, you didn't quite.

I can still call Sumner and we can still go out.

And I will leave it to you, in your own inevitable fashion

to explain it to our mutual friends.

Buzz off.

Now, don't be upset

but she has momentarily jilted you

for Sumner Blasingame.

- Sumner Blasingame? - Forget it.

But don't be alarmed.

I think we can find out where they'll go.

See, the babysitter's an undercover agent of mine.

No, no, no. Oh, well.

Poor dear, willing to sacrifice himself

so that she could be happy.

I mean, it's really kind of beautiful.

Yes, it's really heart warming, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Tina, every once in a while

a sick person finds another sick person

whose sickness is just perfect to feed their sickness.

- That's sick. - I know that.

- But they enjoy it. - How do you know all this?

Oh, come on, Tina, it's obvious.

Look at all the trouble they're steering up.

They don't want a reconciliation.

Not at all, they wanna continue playing games.

Encounter games and bugging each other to death.

Well.

Do you still think that I should

aid them in a reconciliation?

I guess not.

- I know where they will be. - Oh, good, good.

And you know where we will be, right?

So, everything's under control.

Oh, it will be.

- What do you say, buddy? - Huh?

What do I say about what, buddy?

You're coming with me, aren't you?

- No, I don't think so. - Well, sure you are.

Dolores and Blasingame are gonna be at The Pink Grotto.

- Oh, I've heard of that. - Tina.

[buzz] Come on, let's get going.

I'm not going anywhere.

You're not gonna let her to get away with this?

If I possibly... Yeah, yes.

But, buddy, you're my friend.

Let's get out and work this guy over, come on.

Yeah, while we're there, we could see the show.

I've heard they've a terrific show.

Yeah, come on, let's go get him.

No, no, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what.

We haven't finished our drinks yet.

So why don't you go ahead

without us and start?

Okay.

I forgot to give you the address.

It's The Pink Grotto

2-2-2-5, West Fifth, get it?

- Got it. - Good.

Well, here's to... Sumner Blasingame.

Dad?

Yeah, it's me.

You're not asleep.

Well, I was, then I wasn't.

Oh, I see. Sleep.

In a minute.

Can we talk?

Alright.

Tell me.

What would you like to talk about?

What time is it?

[chuckles] It's 10:30.

Did Jimmy's mother come back with you?

No, no, she didn't.

It's awful early for you to be back.

Yeah.

Well, some dates end earlier than others.

Didn't you have a good time?

Well, Eddie, you see, it wasn't a special evening.

Um, I was just helping a friend.

When are you gonna see her again?

- I don't know. - Tomorrow?

No, no, not-not tomorrow. For sure, not tomorrow.

But I thought you said, that when a friend needed help

you oughta help your friend out.

Well, that's, that's true.

Well, doesn't she need you anymore?

Well, no, it isn't...

Eddie... You remember when Billy broke his leg?

Do you remember how he-he needed you when he had that?

Yeah.

Well, and remember how

after a little time went by

it healed?

- Yeah. - Well...

Jimmy's mother doesn't really need me anymore.

You mean she's all healed?

No, not exactly, it's just that

she's found another man, uh, Sumner Blasingame

and he's gonna take over being her friend now.

And Jimmy's father, are we gonna be seeing him again?

No, no, he's gonna be busy with Sumner Blasingame too.

Then it worked out good.

Oh, it did? What do you mean?

Well, you got to come home early

and I like that.

I like that too.

And I like you. And you...

- Huh? - Go to sleep.

- Okay, good night. - Good night.

You're a good kid.

Mr. Corbett.

Yes, Tina?

Mr. Corbett.

Yes, Tina.

There's somebody to see you.

Am I supposed to guess?

Can you?

Sumner Blasingame?

Right.

And, and he wants to, uh

to discuss our problem with Dolores?

Sometimes you frighten me.

Do you know what to do, Tina?

You're never in to Mr. Blasingame.

Yes, very good.

Thank you.

- Ah, but Tina. - Yes?

Obviously, you don't know why the Mona Lisa's smiling.

[Eddie] Will you always be with me?

[Tom] Mmm-hmm.

Yes, I will, sport.

[Eddie] I mean, forever.

[Tom] Eddie, if I teach you the right things

if I give you the right answers to your questions...

...then I'll always be with ya'.

[Eddie] Good, because that's the way I want it.

[Tom] And that's the way you got it.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪