Original subtitles

- You know what, dad? - Hmm?

[Eddie] I think playing is better than working.

- Ah, it isn't always. - It isn't?

[Tom] No, if you like your work, it can seem like play.

[Eddie] See, I don't know.

I don't see how anything will ever beat recess.

Someone in school said I came from an egg.

Yeah, w-w-well, that's, uh, true

Eddie. it's true.

[Eddie] Well, Mrs. Livingston

better be more careful

when she makes omelets.

- Dad? - Yeah?

[Eddie] I think I'm gonna get married.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Why? - I don't know.

[Eddie] Like, maybe it's a thing to do.

[Tom] Hmm, but, Eddie

marriage is a big responsibility.

[Eddie] Don't worry, dad, I'll support her.

I can shine shoes

mow lawns and sell your magazines.

[Tom] Yeah, but, Eddie, suppose she has children.

[Eddie] She isn't gonna have any children.

[Tom] Oh, yeah, how do you know?

[Eddie] If she lays any eggs

I'll step on 'em.

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

♪♪

Alright, sport, drink up

and go to sleep, it's getting late.

- Come on, sit up on the bed. - Okay.

- There you go. - Is the sitter here yet?

No, but she will be soon, so drink.

- Dad? - Hmm?

There's something I've been wondering about.

Mm-hmm, have you been wondering to keep them going to sleep?

Or have you been wondering for real wondering?

I've been wondering for real wondering.

Oh. Alright, scoot over.

[grunts]

What's on your mind?

I was wondering how old you are.

Why?

Well, in case of an emergency

and the the police ask, "How old is your father?"

- Then I better know. - Hmm, yes.

Well, if there's an emergency

and you have to tell the police

you tell them I'm 35.

You're 35 already?

Eddie, 35 isn't ancient.

It's ancient for some things, dad.

How long did it take you to marry mom?

Well, from the day I first met her

it took a year and a half.

A year and a half?

That's about as long as I've been going to school.

Yeah, but marriage is a very important step, you know.

You're trying not to make a mistake.

But a year and a half...

Yeah.

But it was worth the wait.

Goodnight, sweetie.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

♪♪

- Dad? - Yeah?

How long does it take to have a baby?

Nine months.

Nine months!

That's practically a year!

Dad?

Wait a minute.

♪♪

Dad, you'll be 38 years old.

It'll be too late!

- Too late for what? - For you to have a baby.

Corbett.

Tom Corbett.

C-O-R-B-E-T-T.

Well, if I'm the wrong Tom Corbett

you must be the wrong Rosemary, bye-bye.

Hello.

[laughing]

What's that?

A hamburger at Malibu?

Lady, you just got yourself a date.

Ah, but, uh...

Seven o'clock alright?

Fine, well then, I'll pick you up then.

Uh-huh.

Bye-bye.

[clanging]

- Tina? - Hmm?

Why are you wearing a bikini in the office?

What bikini?

On your bo-o-ody.

It's for a picture

uh, Norman wanted you to check the color.

Norman? Hmm.

Well, I know this is gonna sound like

a terribly foolish question...

...uh-uh, but, um...

...what picture?

Uh, the Flora and Fauna of Southern California.

"Flora and Fauna of Southern California," I see.

What-what, uh, does this have do with all of that?

Well, Norman thought that a picture of the flora and fauna

of Southern California would be, um, a lot more interesting

if it had a girl in a bikini in it and he chose me.

Yes, well, you tell Norman that the flora and the fauna

will have to make it on their own.

- No bikini? - No bikini.

- Mr. Corbett? - Hmm?

Is something the matter?

Are you saying that just because I vetoed your bikini?

No, but you just don't seem to be with it today.

[sighs] Ah! Well, yes.

I have a bit of a problem with Eddie.

Is it very serious?

Yeah, I'd say it's fairly serious.

Well, i-is their anything I can do to help?

No, no, no, thank you.

Uh, but thank-thank you for offering.

♪♪

Boy, you sure do worry about Eddie a lot.

I hope I never become a father.

Not a chance.

♪♪

Sam, that's terrific! What an idea.

That's great, oh, Sam, what would I do without you?

You're gonna make the layout.

That's just, uh...

Ah! Terrific. Oh, that's even better!

Uh... Hi, Eddie, I didn't know you were here.

Hi, Uncle Norman.

- Who are you talking to? - Sam.

- But there's nobody in here. - Sure, there is.

Sam, my best friend.

Oh, you mean, it's just pretend?

Yeah, but don't let him hear you say that.

- He's very sensitive. - He'll get offended, right?

Right.

I wish I had somebody to talk to when I'm alone.

Like a brother or something.

Yeah, well, well, then, why don't you make one up?

Max. It's a good name.

I've had Sam ever since I was your age.

- Max? - Yeah, it's terrific.

Didn't you have any brothers either, Uncle Norman?

Yeah, I had three brothers.

Then why did you make up Sam?

Because Sam doesn't fight with me.

If I had a brother

I wouldn't care if they fought with me or not.

Well, then why don't you go make one up, it's terrific.

What about Max?

We'll think of something.

♪♪

Hello, Mr. Eddie's Father.

Hello, Mrs. Livingston, Eddie home?

Yes, he's in his room playing

with his imaginary brother.

His what?

He made up a brother

and he divided his toys

half for him and half for his brother.

[sighs]

"The grinkle had a green and yellow face."

You want me to read you the rest of the story, Tommy?

Used to be my favorite when I was your age.

Okay.

I'll read you if you want me to, Tommy.

"A grinkle had a wrinkle on his green and yellow face.

"When the grinkle wrinkled his...

"...wrinkled both his eyes did twinkle

"and his ears, they turned to pinkle.

"Did the grinkles with the wrinkle

and the green and yellow face."

Isn't that a funny story, Tommy?

- Hi, sport. - Hi, dad.

- Eddie? - Hmm?

Um...

- Who's Tommy? - Oh, he's my brother.

My imaginary brother.

Well, he doesn't want you to call him that.

Oh, oh, he doesn't, I-I see.

Dad, you're sitting on him!

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, excuse me, Tommy.

Uh, he-he may not like it but, uh...

You do realize that he's imaginary, don't you?

- Well, yeah, but, dad... - Hmm?

You just don't got to keep on saying that in front of him.

- Oh-oh, I don't got to? Hmm? - No.

Hmm, uh, Eddie, I think this pretending to have a brother

is not such a good idea.

But, dad, it's the only way I could have a brother.

And besides it wasn't my idea,

It was Uncle Norman's.

Uncle Norman's?

Yep, he's got imaginary friend

named Sam.

Well, anyway, if Tommy doesn't mind, uh

I think you better get those grubby little hands

clean for dinner, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Come on, Tommy, let's go wash.

♪♪

- Uh, Norman? - Uh-uh, h-h-hi, Tom.

- Uh, excuse me, just a minute. - I, alright.

[whistling]

- Uh, Norman. - U-uh, just one second, please.

I have to cut this right here.

[whistling]

Something wrong?

Is Sam here or can I speak freely?

You can speak freely, he's hiding.

Uh, look, Norman, it's okay for you to play your little games

but I don't really think that Eddie

should be encouraged to start playing 'em.

Why? Make-believe is part of growing up.

Uh, when are you gonna start growing up?

Me? Never.

Well, if you don't mind

I would like Eddie to.

Hey, you did a terrific job.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Look, an imaginary brother

is not gonna thwart the growing up process.

No, the point of it is that Eddie

is going to have to start

learning to face reality.

Alright, the best way to face reality

is invent something better.

And reality for him at this time

is that he is an only child.

[Eddie] Yeah, I know it's lonesome just for me and you Tommy

but now you can imagine how it was without you.

Also, I don't think we're gonna be

the best friends in the whole world

because my dad doesn't really approve of you.

Yeah, yeah, it's a good looking fountain, Tommy

but that's not what we're talking about.

It doesn't seem fair.

Steve has four brothers already.

And his mother's gonna have another one.

They don't even need one.

I bet they don't even want one.

Hey, I think I know how you and me can get

a real life brother to play with.

We can negotiate.

You think Eddie's worried about being an only child?

- Oh, no. - Oh, good, good.

I just think he wants a brother.

Look at Eddie's shopping list.

"Potato chips.

"Bloody Mary's, without vodka.

Sardine dip and peanut butter."

Who's he trying to poison?

He said he's going to have a business conference

after school.

A business conference?

Yes, like the one you have.

What do you think he's up to?

He wants me to unplug the telephone

so he will not be disturbed.

Oh.

Oh, he wants you to come home early

and bring some, uh

re-re-release forms.

Uh-huh. Release forms?

What would he want with release forms?

He did not say. What are release forms?

Next question.

I'm glad that you ask that.

What does Eddie need with release forms?

- Don't you know? - Am I suppose to?

Uh, Tina, I thought with your refreshingly ingenious mind

and child like manner, certainly you'd have a clue.

- What does ingenious mean? - It's a compliment.

You got any clues?

- Spell it. - Clues. C-L-U--

- No. - I-N-G-E-N--

Never mind, a good secretary should know

how to spell a word like ingenious.

- Ingenious. - Right.

Well, I just wanted to know what kind of a compliment it was

before we continued this line of conversation.

♪♪

Hmm.

What do you think of it, Sam?

What do you mean out of focus? Are you kiddin', that's art.

You're talking to the renoir of the photographic world.

Talking to yourself again, huh?

Yeah. Uh, geniuses are never alone.

Oh. Hi, Sam.

Listen, you got any release forms?

- Yeah, right back there. - Oh, good.

- Eddie wanted some. - Eddie?

What does Eddie want with the release forms?

I haven't the vaguest idea. Do you have any idea?

Oh, yeah, I know what he wants it for.

- Good, what? - He wants it for, um...

What are you asking me for?

I get it, I get it. You're right asking me.

- No, now I got it. I figured... - Just watch out for the pedes...

So will you look out for the lady in the red pants!

Are you-you kiddin?' I'm a mile away from her.

You're the reason they invented the words "Defensive driving."

- I swear to God. - Me, down shift Tinker?

...car. Look out for the car!

You look out for the car, I'm driving.

Now, wait, you just keep driving

and don't look at me and then I'll ta...

Don't look at me and then

I'll talk to you, alright?

I figured it out.

Release forms, right, well, what do you do with release forms?

You release something, what does he want

more than anything in the whole world?

- He wants a baby brother. - Right.

He's gonna get a baby brother released.

Get a baby, from a hospital?

He's gonna take a form to a hospital? You're crazy!

Oh, no, but there must be some lady in the neighborhood

who's having a baby and he figures he's gonna work it out--

Oh, sure, look out for the yellow light.

Did you see the yellow light? The-the yellow light!

No, yellow doesn't count.

Well, look out for the car making the left. Norman!

Oh, boy, you sure are nervous today.

Yes, I am.

I don't blame you. If I was gettin' a new kid in--

You just missed that car back there, Norman.

Yeah, the kid's gonna release a baby brother.

- How 'bout this? - No.

How 'bout some more Bloody Mary's?

I wanna go home.

You're a nice little boy, Lester.

Well...

If my glove

and my cars and

and my helmet aren't enough

I'll throw in my Erector set.

[all] Nah.

How 'bout my rocks?

I got one that's practically a 1000 years old.

- Nah. - Nah.

- Nah. - Nah.

Okay, how 'bout my fish tank?

That fish tank?

Sure and I'll even throw in the fish.

I wanna go home.

It's a great fish tank, right, Mike?

Nah, we couldn't do it, 'cause our mother would get mad.

But it's a great deal, Steve.

Hey, hi, sport.

- Hello, Steve. - Hi, dad.

I don't think I know your friends, Eddie.

They're Steve's brothers.

Oh, well, hello, Steve's brothers.

Eddie, I, uh, brought your release forms.

Oh, good.

Um...

- Sport. - Thanks, dad.

Uh...

Wh-wh-what do you want 'em for?

I haven't made the deal yet, dad

but I'm gettin' pretty close.

The de-the deal? What, wh-what deal is that?

For the baby.

For the ba-baby? What baby?

Their baby, their mother's gonna have a baby any minute.

And they don't even need it.

♪♪

[Eddie] Thanks for coming, Steve.

♪♪

Eddie.

I think we better have a little talk.

A sittin' down talk?

Mm-hmm.

A sitting down talk.

Then I guess it must be serious.

I would say that it's serious, yes.

Okay, dad, shoot.

Well, for openers, ahem

you know what you did was wrong.

I didn't think it was wrong, dad.

I thought it seemed like a good idea.

You can't buy a baby.

I wasn't gonna buy it, dad, I was gonna trade for it.

That's the same thing.

But they already have a lot of kids.

But that doesn't make any difference.

Eddie, parents value their children

regardless of how many they have.

I guess I just didn't know how else to get a brother.

♪♪

Eddie, I...

I know you want a brother.

Even a sister would be better than nothin'.

Now, would you want me to marry a lady that I didn't love

just so you could have a little brother?

Sure, I would.

Eddie?

Well, not if you didn't love her at all.

Oh, good, well, I'm glad we agree on something.

- Dad? - Hmm?

You know that lady who ski's that you've been takin' out?

Mm-hmm, took her out last night, Rosemary.

- Do you love her a little bit? - Why?

Because if you did, then maybe you could marry her.

How do you figure that?

Well, maybe after you got used to havin' her around

you'd love her a lot.

Eddie, marriage isn't easy, at best.

You have a much better chance if you start out

by loving 'em a whole lot.

Okay, dad. It's your wife.

Thank you.

Now, uh

let's talk about being an only child.

What do you want to say about it?

Well, I was one. There's a lot of things to be said for.

For instance?

Oh, for instance, my parents didn't have to divide their time

between four children, like Stevie's parents do.

Yeah, but Steve's got a lot more kids to play with than I do.

Right in his own house.

Yes, that's one of the advantages

of being a large family.

I think you don't have to have a large family, dad.

Just one more would do it.

Well, I'd like that, Eddie, and I hope it happens

but if it doesn't happen, who we got?

Each other.

Right. And don't you ever forget it.

I won't.

Maybe it's just I'm extra lonesome for a brother

on account that I don't have a mother.

Yeah.

Well, listen, I'd give him one of my real brothers

but they're too old for him to play with.

Oh, is that right? Well, how many brothers do you have?

Mm, lots of 'em.

And we get along great now.

'Cause you can't argue with a letter.

- Hmm? A letter? - Yeah.

When we all lived together in the same house, it was tough

but now we write each other and it's-it's terrific.

We get along just great.

Well, that's a good idea.

Hey, Norman, I think you've given me an idea.

You can tell, Sam

I think that he can come back out now.

Yeah, I think maybe you solved my problem.

Oh, I'll take the credit but how did I do it?

Why, didn't you ever hear of Be Concerned Parents Plan?

Well, there's a way you chose a child in a country.

You send letters to him.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

Well, you see, Eddie will then only know

what it's like to have a brother.

And know what it's like to be parent.

- Dad? - Mm-hmm.

If I get one of these kids

from the Be Concerned Parent Plan

will it be like I'm a parent?

Yeah, sort of, yeah.

When we write back to each other

will my child call me, "Dad?"

- What do you think? - I don't think so.

You think right.

Now, look up here. Here's a good looking boy.

His name is "Hans Seligman" from Austria.

I think I'd like a littler kid.

Oh, so he can be more of a little brother then?

- Right. - Right. Right.

Thank you, Mrs. Livingston.

More like this size.

Uh, that's "Bankim Navi" from Calcutta.

- He's cute. - Mm-hm.

Well, look at it more now before you decide.

There's a sweet little girl.

I think I'd rather have a boy.

- Dad? - Mm-hm.

When I get my child, can I send him

somethin' for his birthday and a Christmas present?

You certainly can.

Hey, dad. Look it.

There's a good one.

Mm-hm. "Umberto Valentini

age three, from Italy."

Italy? Hey, dad, let's take him.

Do you like him?

I think he's terrific.

He's also the right size too.

I hope I'm the right size for him.

You'll be the perfect size.

There is a saying

"Children are jewels and man who has many is rich."

Then Umberto Valentini will make us rich.

I am rich.

♪♪

♪♪

- You knocked? - Am I interrupting somethin'?

Indeed you are. Chopin's revolutionary Etude.

- What? - Chopin's revolutionary Etude.

Should I go back to bed even though

I do have something important to talk about?

- Important, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Extra special very important?

You guessed it.

Alright, I think Mr. Chopin can wait.

What's in your mind?

Well, do you remember that picture of the sweet little girl

that Mrs. Livingston liked?

Uh, oh, the one in the brochure, yeah.

- That's the one. - Yeah.

- D-do you think she was nice? - Very nice.

But you're not giving up on Umberto Valentini, are you?

I wouldn't give up on him. He's my brother.

- Good. - But I was just thinking...

Mm, what about?

About that I ought to have sister, too.

I think not.

- Dad. - Hmm?

She's got real sad eyes, remember?

Eddie, no sister.

Dad?

- Dad! - What, Eddie?

I bet she wouldn't have real sad eyes

if she had us for a father.

Now, Eddie, I don't wanna have to tell you this anymore.

Remember what Mrs. Livingston said about being rich?

Hmm.

Yes, I do.

Well, wouldn't you like to be real rich?

Eddie...

Please?

Dad?

Well, you, uh... give me a little time to think about it, okay?

Sure, sport, you can take all the time you want.

You could even take nine months, just like Darrel's mother.

Mm. Well, thank you very much.

- Hm. - You're welcome.

Hmm.

[Eddie] Dad, why am I called Corbett?

[Tom] Because that's my name.

[Eddie] Why is it your name?

[Tom] Because it was my father's name.

[Eddie] No, it wasn't.

Your father's name was grandpa.

[Tom] Oh, Eddie.

[Eddie laughs]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪

[scatting]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪