Original subtitles

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪

[Tom] Hey, Eddie. You're very quiet.

[Eddie] I'm listening.

[Tom] What for?

[Eddie] My stomach.

[Tom] Oh. Is it gonna talk to you?

[Eddie] When I'm hungry, yeah.

[Tom] Really? What does it say?

[Eddie] Well, you know, dad. It says, um...

[Tom] Let-let me see if I can help you.

Does it sound something like this?

[imitates stomach bubbling]

[Eddie] Yep.

[Tom] And uh, and just

what do you think that means?

[Eddie] I'm hungry! I'm hungry!

[Tom] Ooh!

[Tom chuckles] I see.

[Tom] Hey.

[Eddie] Yeah?

[Tom] Did you have a nice day?

[Eddie] Yeah.

[Tom] Well, you don't sound too sure.

[Eddie] Well, I'm beginning to understand.

[Tom] Understand what?

[Eddie] I have a nice day

when you do.

[Tom] I... had a nice day.

[Eddie] Me too, dad.

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

- Good morning, everybody. - Good morning, daddy.

Good morning, Mr. Eddie's father.

How come you're dressed like that?

It's not Saturday.

Well, I am not going to the office today.

Oh, boy! You're gonna take a day off?

Umm, no, not exactly.

I'm gonna check into the hospital

for a couple of days.

Thank you.

The hospital?

Are you sick?

No, no, Eddie.

It's just that our company has taken out

a new insurance policy.

Then, why do you have to go to the hospital?

[Tom] Well, Eddie, all the executives have to go.

You see, all we have to do is take a medical examination.

Uncle Norman's going too.

Is he sick?

Nobody is sick, sport.

It's just that we have to take a lot of tests, that's all.

Then why do you have to go to the hospital to do it?

Eddie, it's just a rule

of the insurance company, that's all.

Oh, so they can find out

just in case there is something wrong?

Yes. But there is nothing wrong.

As a matter of fact, Uncle Norman and I

are gonna take our work to the hospital just as if

we were going to the office.

Is Tina gonna go with you too?

So she could help you spell the big words?

[chuckles] No, no. She isn't.

- Dad? - Yeah.

- Could I go? - No, sport, you can't.

Because you can't spell the big words either.

And beside, you're not an executive.

Eddie.

Hm.

Eddie, believe me.

It's okay.

Okay.

Hey, hey. I promise you, it's okay.

Yeah.

[Norman whistling]

Norman.

Norman, why are you whistling?

Because I'm happy.

Hospitals are terrific places

and they make me happy. I whistle a lot.

Yeah, Norman, you have nothing to fear

but fear itself.

And massive staphylococcus infection.

Have you finished, uh, filling out your little forms?

- Mm-mm. - Follow me.

Okay.

Well, ah, here you are, miss, uh...

Ms. Fern.

Here you are, I, uh...

I've signed about a hundred questions

ninety of which was superfluous

and hundred personal.

- All filled out? - Yes, all filled out.

Every 'I'dotted, every 'T'crossed.

- Hey, do you cross your 'T's? - I do, indeed.

You say here, you work for Tomorrow Magazine.

That's right. Yes.

Now, we are expecting two people

from Tomorrow Magazine.

But I have no way of knowing

that you are indeed those two people.

Hey, that's terrific. You know what she just did?

She figured out there could be

twoTomorrow Magazines.

So, I will have to have substantiating documentation.

You know, anybody could just come in here

say anything, take a bunch of tests and--

And steal some health.

Alright, I do have

some substantiating documentation.

Hi, Ms. Fern.

Oh, you didn't fill out several items.

I didn't like the questions.

There is a reason for every question.

Nosiness. Pure nosiness.

Now, how about this? Uh... middle name for example.

Nmi. N-M-I. No middle initial. Nmi.

Then, you have to say so.

No middle initial.

Hey, you're terrific.

[chuckles] Thank you.

Next of kin?

Him. Tom Corbett, my best friend.

Height?

Six foot two.

[Tom clearing throat]

I added a little.

- Weight? - One sixty five.

[Tom clearing throat]

Subtracted a little.

Sex?

[Tom clearing throat]

It's the hair that's fooling you. I'm a boy.

That sort of attitude

is not going to get you into this hospital.

Terrific. I can go home.

Norman. Norman.

Fill it out. Everyitem.

And try and tell the truth.

Okay.

Well, uh, here you are.

Will there be anything else?

Uh, yes. Next you sign your...

...waiver of responsibility.

Ah.

May I borrow your pen? How nice, thank you.

Hey, is she kiddin' with the waiver of responsibility?

Suppose something happens here, and it's the hospital's fault.

That's when this waiver of responsibility

comes in very handy for the hospital.

Hey, look at that poor guy.

I'm having my baby.

Well, now you know, why they want you to answer

every question on the questionnaire.

You're a heck of an argument against the medic.

I turn around, I could be arrested for indecent exposure.

Yes, and how about exposing yourself to little work?

We just gotta get this done.

It's easier for you to say, you remembered

to bring along a bathrobe.

The draft alone could kill me.

Okay, you're gonna get this done.

- Now. - Gentlemen. Ah!

[nurse chuckles]

[male 1] Aah, my darling

let me remember you this way

Ah, pigeons.

Gentlemen. Hal Gould here.

My friends call me Speed.

Not... I hasten to add, because I'm hooked on any

pharmacological uprise, but because I just broke

the 20 minute speed barrier

to cut an appendix, skin to skin

in 19 minutes, 56 seconds flat.

How are you?

Sinking fast.

You're a doctor?

I'm your doctor

for the next few days.

And completely responsible for all the...

humiliating indignities

to which you're going to be subjected

in the interest of a cheaper

group health insurance policy.

Now, um...

...is there anything wrong with you?

Yeah, hey, doctor. I've had this itch.

Um. Probably psychosomatic.

How can you say that without examining him first?

Because, if it's not psychosomatic

I might be expected to cure it.

Definitely works for the draft board.

Okay. Any questions?

How do we get outta here?

No way.

The rest of it is automatic

so you just might as well lie back

relax and enjoy yourself.

Though I doubt you're going to do that.

You know, I'll be so glad when

socialized medicine comes along

and I won't have to be so charming.

Ciao.

Wonder if he's got a license.

Well, of course he has, he must've

driven to the hospital.

Not that kind, a doctor's license. Anyway...

Hey, we'd be better off with a witch doctor.

No, no. I don't know. I think, uh...

I think we've run into one of those

progressive young doctors, who, when he finds his scissors

cuts through all the red tape and gets right down

to the nitty-gritty.

Hey, hey, when he gets down to my nitty-gritty

believe me, we're better off with a witch doctor.

Yeah, well, let's just get back to the work, alright?

I can't.

Don't get scared or anything, but...

I don't feel good.

♪♪

[Tom] Well, I'm certainly glad to see the, uh

the level of equipment that you're using here.

We did an article in our magazine once based on the...

Just breathe normally.

[machine beeping]

They're playing our song.

Mr. Tinker, would you please be quiet?

[sighing]

Would you like me to say cheese?

Now, come on, Mr. Tinker, take a deep breath

and blow as hard as you can.

I don't think the bellows is big enough.

Nighty night, mommy. Thanks for tucking us in.

Eddie, are you worried about your father?

Yes, Mrs. Livingston.

But he told you, they're only taking a test.

But if there's nothing wrong with my dad

why'd they even have to take the test?

Would you feel better if you could go

visit your father after school?

- At the hospital? - Yes.

So that you can see for yourself, he's alright.

Would you take me?

Yes. First, I will call your father

see if it is alright with him.

Hello. What room Mr. Corbett is in?

This is his son, and we're going to visit him.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry

but I'm afraid you can't visit him.

I don't understand.

Look, you can visit, but not the little boy.

But he's my dad.

In all probability.

Nevertheless, children are not allowed to visit.

Oh, why not?

Because of the regulations.

But my dad said I could visit him.

He even told Mrs. Livingston.

Well, I'm sure he did, but your dad should've

checked with us first.

Oh, why are children not allowed?

To protect them from disease?

To protect everybody else from their disease.

I'm sorry, but she is right about the rules.

I don't have any disease.

There's something wrong with my dad and I know it.

That's why they won't let me visit him.

Um, I don't understand, I thought

this layout was supposed to be ready today.

Oh, you'd understand, if you'd been beaten

probed and scraped.

- We weren't scraped. - Mm-hmm.

And subjected to every

possible infectious disease.

We are, we, I say we are trying to get this done

as quickly as we can, Tina.

Considering our lack of nourishment.

Oh, really? What about our snack this morning?

Anyone that considers a barium milkshake

a snack is sick!

I don't mean that. I'm talking about lunch.

That was on the regular menu. That's even worse.

Um, I don't like to nag, but the layout.

Tina...

[both] Don't nag.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

No, oh! Ah, hello, Mrs. Livingston.

Oh, really? Good. Well, come on right on up.

What?

You're kidding.

Eddie's here to visit and the hospital won't let him

come up to my room.

Mrs. Livingston, are you sure that you...

No, of course, I want to do the right...

No, of course, there's nothing wrong.

But that's what I told him.

But he's worried because he cannot see you.

Eddie thinks there's something wrong with me

now because the hospital

won't let him come up to see me.

Poor, little worried...

...guy.

Mrs. Livingston, look, um...

Let me, let me speak to Eddie. Would you, please?

- I'll see you later. - Yeah, cookie puss.

And thanks for bringing my bathrobe.

Right.

Bye.

Hi, sport. I understand they're giving you a tough time

about coming up to see me.

Well, I want you to know there's nothing wrong.

How many tests were you takin'?

Oh, lots of tests.

Did they find anything wrong?

Well, we haven't got the results yet

but... everything is okay.

When will you be home?

Way they're moving, tomorrow.

Okay, dad. See ya.

Dad?

Take a little nap, okay?

Eddie.

There is nothing wrong.

I promise.

Okay, dad. Bye.

B-bye.

He doesn't believe me.

So I gathered.

Once, his mother went to a hospital...

...she never came back.

Hey, look.

It's only one more day and then...

...he's gonna learn somethin'.

He's gonna learn that, people also

come back from hospitals.

Hey, you know, those machines can really bug you.

I mean, they got a lot of money tied up in those machines.

They've gotta come up with something wrong with you.

Hey, listen, you think those machines will come out

and say that, "You're terrific, and everything's alright.

"You don't need the expensive doctors.

Don't pay any bills and you don't need any machines."

You think they're gonna say that? They will not say that.

You bet your life. I'm sorry, I said that.

Where you goin'? Look, I'm nervous.

- Don't leave me alone. - Look, you worry.

I'm going in to the inner office.

[female chuckles]

[both] Dr. Gould.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Bet you didn't think, I work this late, did you?

Well, actually my car broke down.

I've gotta wait for the mechanic. Anyway...

So, I have the results of the tests so far

if you're interested.

Yeah, first would you tell him please

the machines do not lie.

- Then he'll believe you. - The machines do not lie.

Believe him.

Ah, let's see, uh...

"Tinker Norman, N-M-I."

Let's see, uh...

Cholesterol, good.

Blood pressure, good.

Heart good. It's all good.

You do as well on the rest of the tests

you'll be home free.

What about him?

Uh, Tom, you're in good health too

in all probability.

What's the matter?

Um, probably a malfunction in the machine.

Ambiguous results.

"The machines don't lie."

Didn't, did you... You just said so.

- "The machines don't lie." - Yeah.

He asked me to say that.

Wh-what do you suspect?

I suspect, that he has

to take another cardiogram.

I'll tell you the truth, men.

We make a lotta money on these tests

and we're pushin' 'em this week.

I wouldn't worry.

Don't worry. Goodnight.

Sure, he wouldn't worry.

It's not his heart.

- Tom? - Hmm?

Look, I'm your best, most loyal and dearest friend.

You just have to listen to me.

You gotta have faith in Dr. Gould.

Really?

Give me one good reason.

Okay, quote.

Because he's from that new breed of fearlessphysician

who once he gets through that red tape

he gets right down to the nitty-gritty, end quote.

Tom Corbett, editor, Tomorrow Magazine.

Yes, well suddenly

I don't like the new breed anymore.

Where are all the silver haired Dr. Welbys?

Playing golf on one eternal Wednesday afternoon.

Hi, Mr. Corbett. It's time for your cardiogram.

Terrific.

[gasps]

Must everything in the hospital be so cold?

Metal is colder than wood.

Metal is colder than linoleum.

Then there's cotton, plaster--

Yes, I-I guess that metal is colder

than just about anything, I suppose.

You know... in my opinion, this hospital

now that I've been here for a short period of time--

Mr. Corbett. Quiet, please.

[machine beeping]

Your hands are cold too.

Hey, Tom, uh...

You-you're not worried, are you?

Hmm? Worried? No, of course not.

You know, Tom, uh...

...work is terrific for guys in our worries.

[knocking on door]

Come in.

[humming]

Greetings, from all the gang, down at the office.

Aha! Well, thank you very much.

"All the gang down at the office."

Hey, that's terrific, if I'd been down in the office

I would've wanted to be part of that gang.

- You knew about this? - No, I didn't.

You should--

Mr. Corbett, are you ready for a really big surprise?

Because I can't hold it any longer, I've to show you.

- I think this is pretty-- - Bigger than this?

- Tatum. - Surprise!

Hi, dad! Uncle Norman!

Eddie! How'd you get in there?

- Sideways! - Hey, sport! Ssssh!

- He was just tryin' to get in-- - Not, no, no, na na...

The other doctor's out in the hallway.

Hey! Waah!

What a surprise! That's really great. Tina, thank you.

- I mean, thank you very much. - You're welcome, Mr. Corbett.

Well, I've to get back to the office

and tell 'em what a terrific gang we are.

I'll pick you up later, okay?

Bye, cookie puss. It's terrific what you did.

Bye.

Sport, now, ordinarily

I would not allow you to break a hospital rule.

But right now, you are just

the right medicine for me.

Do you need medicine?

No! Eddie, no, no.

That's just a figure of speech, that's all.

[female chuckles] Dr. Gould!

- Hide back in the flowers. - Hey, go, go hide!

[Hal] Ms. Fern, your reflexes are incredible.

Hi, hello, hello.

Oh. Hobby craft?

No, you see, every once in a while I think

I'm a race horse and I like to win a race.

I'm kidding. No, it's from my mother in Florida.

She... Now, see, we have some friends down in the office

where we work, and they miss us.

So they sent us up this terrific present.

Oh, that's terrific, yes. Alright, it's very nice.

Well, I've got back the results of the rest of the tests

and the cardiogram.

Ah, yes. Well, doctor, if you don't mind

can we discuss this some other time?

Well, we've got to get it done, anyway. But first, you.

You're a bad business risk, if you're talking about

the doctor business.

You're in great shape, Mr. Tinker. No problems at all.

Well, what about this itch?

It defies medical science. Learn to live with it.

Now, Tom, as for you...

Mere mortal man is an imperfect machine.

Uh, doctor, not now, if you don't mind.

The medical art is in its infancy.

There's so much we don't know.

- Doctor, please. - Why don't you listen to him?

But we labor on. We try, we fail.

- We try again-- - Well, don't try.

[Hal] Ah, but we did!

And we learnt what I suspected.

Oh.

That mere man or mere woman

can operate a mere machine

and louse up the whole business.

Once again, I've earned my fee by finding nothing wrong.

Except with some of the people

who operate some of the machines.

Now, wa-wait a minute. Do you mean that I'm okay?

- You're in top physical shape. - Oh!

Except,for this strange lump at the bottom of your bed.

- My son, the lump. - How do you do?

- Great. - Eddie, this is Dr. Gould.

Hi, Dr. Gould. Are you sure my dad's okay?

Sure, I'm sure.

Dr. Gould, ah...

What is this child doing in here?

That's just what I was going to ask you, Ms. Fern.

What are we gonna do about it?

Oh, there's only one thing to do.

We'll order him a double cheese burger, side of French fries...

Oh, Mr. Tinkle, you have a mosquito bite?

- No, it's a, an itch. - Oh.

I decided what I wanna be when I grow up.

- Ah, a fireman? - Nope.

- Jet pilot? - No.

- Magazine editor? - Nope. I wanna be a doctor.

A doctor? That's great. Why?

So, I can find the right cure for Uncle Norman's itch.

[Eddie] Which do you like better, dad?

The light or the dark?

[Tom] Oh! The light, I guess.

[Eddie] Sometimes, I like the dark better.

[Tom] Why?

[Eddie] 'Cause, I can think taller.

If someone does a brave thing, can you always see it, dad?

[Tom] No. Sometimes, you can't see it at all.

[Eddie] And who knows that the person did it?

[Tom] That person.

[Eddie] How can women dance backwards and men dance forwards?

[Tom] Oh, probably because men have the best ideas.

[Eddie] But I guess we better not

let any ladies hear us say that.

Right, dad?

[Tom] Double right.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪