Original subtitles

[Eddie] I'm writing a book.

[Tom] Oh, writing, huh? What's it about?

[Eddie] I don't know yet.

[Tom] Well, how far have you gotten?

[Eddie] Just the first page.

[Tom] I see, I see. What does it say?

[Eddie] "Dedicated to Thomas Bailey Corbett

"without whose help and encouragement

I never could have written this book."

[Tom] I see.

- You know, dad? - Hm?

[Eddie] There are some things

you just can't win.

[Tom] Oh, yeah, like what?

[Eddie] Well, like getting me

to keep my finger nails clean.

[Tom] For your information, I haven't quit yet.

[Eddie] You know, there are different ways

of looking at things.

[Tom] You mean, different points of view?

[Eddie] No, I mean like you look

at a thunderstorm with your ears.

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm-hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

Excuse me, miss, have you seen Tina around?

- Hi. - Hi.

Tina? Have you seen her?

Norman, what's the matter with you? I'm Tina.

Are you sure?

Okay, what's the punch line?

Would you mind lifting your skirt a little, please?

Would you mind lifting it a little bit higher?

Tina, it's you.

You don't like the midi-length?

Oh, it's alright, but are you sure you type well enough

to wear 'em that long?

Tina... Oh, Norman, good, I won't have to call you.

Tina, cancel everything I've got scheduled for Friday.

- You have a board meeting. - Yes, I know.

But I'm not gonna be able to make it

and neither is Norman. Come on.

I won't?

We are going to Las Vegas.

Uh, but what about the press luncheon?

Hey, wait a minute, you heard the man.

We're going to Las Vegas.

Okay, we're going to Las Vegas.

That's right. I got my reply today from Mr. Hughes.

We are expected on Friday.

Mr. Hughes of Las Vegas is expecting us?

That's right.

"Mr. Horace Hughes, the President

of the Community of Churches."

- Oh, that Mr. Horace Hughes. - That's right.

We're going to cover the spiritual side of Las Vegas.

I didn't know there was one.

- Hi, dad. Hi, Uncle Norman. - Hi, champ.

Hi, sport. Hello, Mrs. Livingston.

Well, how'd the dentist treat you today?

- He treated me okay. - Good.

The-the dentist said Eddie's teeth

are coming in straight like soldiers.

Okay, teeth, ten-hut

hup, two, three, four, hup, two--

Hey, dad, can I get a drink of water?

[chuckles] Yeah, you know where to go.

Okay.

[Tom] Uh, Mrs. Livingston, uh, Norman and I are gonna be going

to Las Vegas, Friday on-on, uh, on business.

- Yeah, we're going to Vegas. - Yeah.

And, uh, you know, I was thinking

that, well, maybe I take Eddie along...

Well, you're gonna take Eddie?

Yeah, well, he's never been there before.

He'll only miss an hour of school, you know.

- Did you say Friday? - Yes, that's right.

Oh, that is the day Eddie will be in the school play.

You know, he is to be Abraham Lincoln.

Who?

[Tom] Abraham Lincoln.

That's the first I've heard of a school play.

Well, he wanted to surprise you tonight.

Ohh, well, in that case, I certainly

will act properly surprised.

Oh, if you go to Las Vegas

does that mean you will not see Eddie in the play?

Of course, I will. What time is the play?

Two o'clock, Friday afternoon.

What time is your business in Las Vegas?

Two o'clock, Friday afternoon.

[chuckles] I need the mask now.

Okay.

How does the hat fit?

It fits good, Mrs. Livingston.

It is not too heavy on top?

It will stay on if I don't move.

I'll put strap around your chin for you later.

- Okay. - Here, try the beard on?

- Oh, beard is too long. - Let me see.

Gee, neato, I don't even know myself.

Hey, what's going on?

Who do I look like, dad?

- Toulouse-Lautrec? - No.

[Tom] Abe?

A-Abe, Abe, uh...

What's his name?

- Lincoln? - Right.

That's who I am, dad. That's me.

You don't have to cut the beard, Mrs. Livingston.

Dad knew who I was.

Well, uh, what's this all about, Eddie?

Hey, dad, I got a surprise for ya'.

Oh, what's that?

I'm gonna be Abraham Lincoln

in the school play on Friday.

How about that?

And we're gonna do the history of our country

with the flags and everything.

And I've got permission to invite three people.

It's gonna be you, Mrs. Livingston

and Uncle Norman.

Uh, well, Mr. President

uh, there may be a little time problem.

But the teacher said it's only gonna take a half an hour.

You're doing the history of the country in a half hour?

We skip around a lot.

Oh.

[Eddie] I'll go get my speech.

Mrs. Livingston has been

helping me learn it.

Well, um, was I surprised enough?

- Yes. - Uh-huh.

Hey, dad, Mrs. Livingston, come here.

[Mrs. Livingston] Oh.

- You sit here. - Alright.

- Dad. - Hm. Alright.

Here, hold that.

I and you have been working on it

all afternoon, haven't we, Mrs. Livingston?

Oh, yes.

What's he doing? The Gettysburg Address?

- Yes. - You're kidding.

Four score and seven years ago

our fathers brought forth to this nation

a new continent.

Sorry, I mixed it around.

Four score and seven years ago

our fathers brought forth on this continent

a new nation.

That's it?

Well, dad, how did you like it?

Great, so far, b-but what about the rest of it?

Well, Billy Gerber's got the rest of that.

Oh, I see.

And there's gonna be 13 of us Abraham Lincolns

doing different parts of the speech.

One of 'em is Mona Leftwich because we ran out of boys.

Oh, and they're all wearing, uh, hats and beards, are they?

What about Mona?

Well, we're waiting to see what she comes up with.

Eddie, go and wash, please.

Dinner will be ready soon.

Okay.

[chuckles] Oh, boy.

Excuse me.

Well, tsk, business is business.

You mean, you're gonna go all the way to Las Vegas

just to go to church?

Well, Eddie, there's a little bit more to it than that.

You see, I'm going to do

an article about churches.

Eddie, it just happened to happen.

You see, the Community of Churches

is having this very special meeting

at the same time you're doing your school play.

Eddie, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

- I really am. - I know, dad.

And it's okay. It really is.

Well, Mrs. Livingston will be there

to see you in the play, won't you?

Oh, yes.

I know that.

May I be excused?

Oh, no dessert?

Do I have to eat it?

No.

You may be excused.

Thanks.

♪♪

♪ Quick replies misty eyes ♪

♪ No one likes a sad surprise ♪♪

[chuckles]

I guess it's not a very good day for surprises.

Hello, yes. I'd like to make a person to person call

to Mr. Chips Beaverman.

He's at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

The number I'm calling it from is 8352239.

- Chips Beaverman? - Yeah, he's a friend of mine.

He's a croupier. I wanna alert him we're coming.

Okay, Norman, I think maybe we better

just call off the trip, huh?

Maybe just gotta call off the trip?

Yeah, yeah, there's gonna be, uh

there's gonna be the meeting of the board

they'll probably be discussing the budget.

When don't they? Huh?

Yeah, oh. Yeah. Oh.

Oh, well, if he says he doesn't wanna be disturbed

that means he's probably sleeping.

When he comes to, have him call Mr. Norman Tinker.

At my number. Right. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Then-then there's the, the press luncheon, now, that's gonna be

pretty important, we don't wanna miss that.

And on the other hand, there's young Abe

at school doing his thing.

Yeah. How can I miss that?

Well, it's a matter of priorities.

On one hand, there's Eddie

and on the other hand there's a whole bunch

of churches in Las Vegas

waiting for the coming of Tom Corbett.

Mr. Corbett.

Martin needs an okay on these.

Oh, now, that skirt's more like it, hm.

According to today's fashion, any length hemline is in.

And besides, I don't type all that well.

Hey, you know, I have a friend in Las Vegas.

Uh, she used to be a classical ballet dancer

and now she's working with Electric Bubbles.

- Her name is Darcel. - Bubbles Darcel?

Yeah. How did you know?

Lucky guess.

- Oh. Do you want her number? - It wouldn't hurt.

I'll get it.

Norman, this is a business trip.

Let's face it, Tom.

Nobody can go to Las Vegas

on purely a business trip.

It's a biological impossibility.

Oh, Eddie...

Oh, that's just my old beard.

Eddie, will you please explain

why you threw the beard away?

Because I don't wanna be in the dumb play.

Your father is also disappointed

he cannot be there.

Perhaps more disappointed than you.

Then why doesn't he go to Las Vegas some other day?

Because Friday is the day of the meeting

of Community of Churches.

It is his job to be there.

Just as it is my job to take care of you

and your job to be in the play on Friday.

I didn't think it was gonna be a job.

I thought it was gonna be fun.

[Tom] Point is how do you choose

between what is right and what is wrong?

In this life, as you go through living

there are certain things that you have to do

that sometimes you don't wanna do but you do them.

Norman, at this particular time

that's not one of my favorite sayings.

Okay, you've got it all worked out for you.

You've got no problems. Very simple.

- Work comes first. - Who says so?

- Work doesn't come first. - Who says that?

Health comes first.

Norman, who makes up all these rules?

Life is not a film.

Uh, Charlie, same as always, please.

The point of it is, Norman, I just...

I hate to miss Eddie in his

first play that'll be on a stage.

I've never seen him on a stage before, and he's gonna be

playing President Abraham Lincoln, you know...

If all fathers practiced your fatherly devotion

throughout the nation, from the Supreme Court on down

everything would come to a screeching halt

every time a little kid did something in school.

Hm. Thank you.

Yeah, I suppose you're right, uh.

I know I'm right.

Well, it won't be so bad, I guess.

Mrs. Livingston will be going, you know, it's not like

he's gonna be there by himself.

♪♪

Eddie will just have to understand.

Oh, Eddie is gonna understand.

Will you understand?

I'll try.

Hm.

Now, there are couple of shows in Vegas

I have to take you to that are terrific.

- I mean you've never been-- - Norman, no!

No, we're not going to see shows, no.

- They're great shows-- - Norman, look!

If I'm gonna miss my son's play, it's gonna be

because of a legitimate business obligation to a church event--

Wait a minute, will you wait, will you wait a...

Look, the meetings can't last past dinner.

What're you gonna do with the rest of the night?

Well, I'll fly back, Norman.

I can't let you do that.

Why?

Night flights out of Vegas are for losers.

Besides, when you get home, the kid will be asleep.

Look, we'll spend the evening. We'll have a terrific time.

We'll catch the first plane in the morning. You'll love it.

So I'm glad you finally see the light.

You're liable to meet your new mother for Eddie in Las Vegas.

Oh, sure, I can just see myself coming home with a lady

and saying, "I'd like you to meet your new mother

Bubbles Darcel."

You probably gotta learn never to judge

a person by their bubbles.

Hey, I wonder if Chips Beaverman called.

- He's always on time. - No, you know something?

I'm starting to feel like

I'm being torn in a morality play

with Eddie as Abraham Lincoln on one side puling

and you and Chips Beaverman on the other side pulling.

[whistles]

Oh, I'm sorry, sport, did I wake you?

- No, my stomach did. - Oh.

I got hungry.

- Dad? - Mm-hmm.

I understand why you can't see

my school play on Friday.

Oh, I'm glad, Eddie, but I'd like to be there, you know that.

Uh-huh.

But you gotta go to Las Vegas

on business, just like I gotta be Abraham Lincoln, right?

Right, and I'm glad you understand that too.

- Want some? - No.

And it's not gonna be much fun for neither one of us

but we all have to do things

that we don't wanna do sometimes, right?

Yes, we do.

But I thought you wanted to do that school play.

Not so much since you and Uncle Norman

aren't gonna be there

but I'm gonna do it anyhow.

Good, because you are upholding

an old show business tradition.

- What tradition? - "The show must go on."

- "Show must go on?" - Yes.

Why?

♪♪

♪♪

- Deal. - Okay.

Hi, sport, got the chocolate. Hey.

Norman, I didn't expect to see you here.

Oh, I heard there was a hot game

of Old Maid going on in your apartment.

I tried to resist the gambler impulse in me

but it just didn't work.

I understand.

[telephone ringing]

I'll get it.

[sighs]

Hello.

Uh, yes, he is. Who's calling, please?

Oh, one-one second, please.

Uh, Norman, Chips Beaverman. H-how did he know you're here?

Ooh! Hey, I left word I'd be here.

Hey, Chips. Yeah, Chips baby?

Yeah, yeah. Norman Tinker, right?

Yeah. Terrific.

Listen, I'd be up Friday with a friend.

I want you to lay out the red carpet.

That's right, the high roller suite.

Mm-hmm, champagne, caviar. Right.

[chuckles] No, no, no.

No, no, no. Not that heavy.

We're coming up on business. Mm.

Tom Corbett, my boss in the magazine.

Well, nothing is all business here.

Eh, tell you what, book us front row for the supper show.

And save my stool in front of 33 at the roulette table.

No, forget that.

The only baccarat I wanna play is Burt.

Right. Big red limousine at the airport.

When we get finished with our mission, we'll all

get together and self-destruct.

Terrific!Thanks, Chips. You're really a pal.

Bye, bye, thank you.

♪ Ha ha ♪

♪ Las Vegas Las Vegas ♪♪

Okay, killer, how about another hand?

No.

[Tom] Eddie?

Something wrong?

No.

Are you sure?

Sure.

Eddie, why don't you go get your stovepipe hat and your beard

and show your Abraham Lincoln to Uncle Norman?

He hasn't seen 'em yet.

No.

Alright, it's-it's okay

I'll see it tomorrow before we leave. Right?

Excuse me. Would anyone like cocoa?

Oh, oh, yeah, I'd love to help you.

Alright, Tom.

Eddie?

I know you have some reason

for giving me the silent treatment.

What is it?

Does it, um...

...have something to do with Las Vegas?

Okay, sport.

If, uh, you want me

I'll be in the kitchen.

I was expecting you.

- Oh, you were? - Mm-hmm.

Your little boy can empty a room faster than anybody I know.

Yeah, and without saying a word too.

[chuckles]

Can I help you, Mrs. Livingston?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Eddie's father.

It doesn't take three people

to make cocoa.

It doesn't even take two.

- I already offered. - Oh.

You know, truly, I would rather face

an entire board meeting than the silence

of that one little boy.

- Hmm. - I mean it. I do.

I mean, a board meeting.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - A board meeting.

A board meeting. A board meeting!

Who is the board?

In this case, it's going to be the three of us

that is, if you'd like to join us.

Do I have to?

Well, it wouldn't really be a board meeting

would it, Norman, I mean, unless, uh unless

all three of us were together.

I mean unless all the members are

present, it's nothing.

- Right. - Okay.

But I wouldn't sit on the floor if I were you.

That puts you to a distinct disadvantage

in a board meeting.

That's where I wanna sit.

♪♪

- Hm. May we join you? - I don't care.

Floor, here we come.

May I have a cookie?

Have some chocolate, uh.

What do you wanna talk about?

Well, we could talk about, uh

Las Vegas, for example.

♪♪

[doorbell rings]

Well, I'll get it.

If the mountain won't come to Muhammad

then Muhammad will go to the mountain.

Mm?

I'm Muhammad and you're the mountain.

Mr. Corbett, I've got to get these in the mail tonight

or they're going to foreclose the mortgage.

[sighs] Huh, alright, Tina. In-in just a little while.

Right now, we are having a meeting

a very important board meeting.

- Oh, you and Norman and Eddie? - Yes.

- Hi, Norman. - Hi, cookie-puss.

I'll just sit right here and be quiet as a mouse till--

- Good girl. - Hi, Eddie.

- Hi, Tina. - What's the meeting about?

Tina?

Alright, now, where were we?

Oh, yes, we're talking about Las Vegas, right?

Eddie, you don't want me to go, do you?

♪♪

Hey, sport.

No shaking the head, huh?

We came to talk.

Okay, Eddie, come on.

Give.

You and Uncle Norman are gonna go have fun

with that Chips Beaverman and you told me

you're only going on business.

[sighs]

Well, I will admit that my esteemed colleague

has a very good point.

I mean, after all, the Community of Churches

will have an annual meeting next year.

I think you should go to Las Vegas.

Now, Tina...

I'm sorry, Mr. Corbett, but if you just

let me say my piece, I'll go back to my corner and be quiet.

I vote to hear Tina.

I vote to have Tina be quiet

and go back to her corner.

I vote to hear me because I think you should all

have the benefit of what I've been learning

in my encounter group.

- Tina? - What?

You don't have a vote.

I know, Mr. Corbett, but vote or no vote

I have to say this.

Now, you are one person, right?

And you are another person, right?

Right.

And one and one do not make one.

- How much do they make? - Two.

Right, and one of those two has a responsibility

to go to Las Vegas, and the other of those two

has a responsibility to play Abraham Lincoln.

Hey, you know, Tina, you think pretty straight

for a girl with groovy legs.

Thank you.

I mean, it'll be different if Eddie

were a baby but he's not.

Heck, no. I'm eight years and six months.

So, there's no reason why you can't stay here

and tend to your responsibility

while your father goes to Las Vegas and tends to his.

Is there?

♪♪

Is there?

It's up to you, dad.

No, Eddie. It's up to us.

The two of us.

Well, I guess if we has, have responsibilities

I guess that's just what we ought to do.

I should go to Las Vegas

and you should play Abraham Lincoln.

Right.

But the next time somebody asks me to be Abraham Lincoln

I hope that first they tell me

what a big responsibility it is.

Right.

- All set? - All set.

- Hey, you look terrific. - Thank you.

What happened to your sleeves?

Eddie, we're going.

- You mean you're going already? - Yes, sir.

Hey, Eddie, why don't you try on your costume just once

so I can see how you look like Abraham Lincoln?

- Okay, hold my sandwich. - Okay.

♪♪

♪ Beard and hat Eddie sees that ♪

♪ Everyone's gotta do their own thing ♪♪

Amazing resemblance.

Yeah, there's, uh, there's gonna be 13 Lincolns

as a matter of fact, including Mona Leftwich.

How about that?

Wall to wall, young Abe Lincolns.

Well, Eddie, uh... now, you take good care

of, of Mrs. Livingston, now, okay?

I-I will, dad.

Hey, look, it's getting late and we're gonna miss our plane.

So long, Abe. You're gonna be terrific.

I guarantee it.

♪♪

Have a nice time, dad.

You too, Mr. Lincoln.

[Eddie] Dad, the world is getting smaller, isn't it?

[Tom] Yes, yes, it is, Eddie.

[Eddie] That's what my teacher said.

[Tom] Well, she is right.

[Eddie] Can we feel it shrink?

[Tom] No, no.

[Eddie] Then let's get in an airplane and go way up high

and then we can watch it shrink.

[Tom] Okay.

[Eddie] Dad, why do people travel so much?

[Tom] Well, they go on business, they go to see their relatives.

Most of the time, they just go to see

what other people are like.

[Eddie] Why doesn't somebody come to see what we're like?

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm-hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra ra ♪♪