Original subtitles

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪

Dad, what if there weren't any girls?

Then there wouldn't be any boys.

Oh. And what if there weren't any boys?

Then there wouldn't be any girls.

Oh. I guess it works out pretty well the way it is.

I guess so.

If I ran away, would you mind?

I sure would.

I mean, if I just ran away for a little while.

Well, how long has nothing to do with it.

I'd worry. Why, are you planning to?

Maybe.

Will you let me know where you're going first?

Is that what you have to do when you run away?

Yeah.

Boy, that's a relief.

["Best friend" by Nilsson]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

[scatting]

[Tom] "This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear.

"She got up in great distress and walked off.

"The dormouse fell asleep instantly.

"And neither the others took the least notice of her going.

"And the last time she saw them

they were trying to put the dormouse in the teapot."

Now, that's the end of that part, sport.

- Want me to read some more? - I don't think so, dad.

I'm feeling sorta sleepy.

Oh...

Well, that's the first time

since we've started reading "Alice"

that you ever felt sleepy.

I guess it's just that I've been playing too hard after school.

- Oh. - Goodnight, dad.

Well... goodnight, sport.

♪♪

Have some good dreams, little cowboy.

Adios.

♪♪

[Norman] Thank you.

I think, uh, most of this is advertising, Mr. Corbett.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, no.

That one looks like a letter.

Hey, here's one for me.

I'm hallucinating that someone

has sent me a whole bunch of dough.

- Well, who sent it? - I don't know.

There's no return address on the envelope.

There's no note in it either?

No note.

Ten. Count 'em. Just ten 100-dollar bills.

[chuckles] You blackmailing somebody?

[chuckles] No. Are you?

What do you mean?

Looks like you've got the same envelope

Hey, me too.

♪♪

Oh, whoever it is, they're not playing favorites.

Looks like I got ten of 'em too.

[Tina] So did I.

Hey, here's one for you, Mrs. Livingston.

For me?

I wonder who'll be writing to me at this address.

Why don't you open it and find out?

Funny.

Money!

Wow! Look at all that money.

Oh, so many 100-dollar bills.

How much is that altogether?

I don't know. Just a moment.

One thousand dollar.

I guess that's a pretty lot of money, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

It is more money than I have ever seen all at the same time.

One thousand dollar.

I never even touched one 100-dollar bill

before in my life.

Oh, Tina, it won't bite you.

I know, but it makes me very nervous.

- Why? - I don't know why.

It just does.

It's a very interesting reaction she's got there.

Money does strange things to people.

Yeah. Wait a minute.

Well, of course.

I've got it.

Alright, look, look. I've got it.

- Now look at these envelopes. - Yeah.

They all look like they've been

typed on a toy typewriter.

- Right? Okay, well that's it. - Yes.

Eddie's last birthday, I gave him a toy typewriter.

Oh, come on. How much allowance do you give him?

Oh...

I think there is some mistake.

What are you gonna do with it?

I'm going to talk to your father about it.

Maybe someone is doing a trick on me?

That wouldn't be a very good trick.

One thousand dollar.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Corbett residence.

Hi, Mrs. Livingston.

Uh, say, did Eddie come home for lunch today?

- Yes, he's here. - May I speak to him, please?

Yes, one moment, please. It is your father, Eddie.

Mm.

Hi, dad.

Are you talkin' on the box?

Yes. Yes, I am, sport.

Neat-o. Is Uncle Norman there?

I guess that's me.

[Eddie] And who else?

- Well, there's Tina. - Hi, Eddie.

[Eddie] Hi, Ms. Rickles.

Say, Eddie, um...

What I'm about to ask you

it sorta sounds like a nutty question.

Yeah, but, um...

Eddie, did you send us any money?

Did you get some?

[Tom] Yes, quite a lot.

Someone sent Mrs. Livingston some too.

- They did? - A whole bunch.

[Eddie] She says it's a thousand dollars.

Uh, Eddie, may I speak to Mrs. Livingston, please?

He says he wants to talk to you.

Good.

Yes, Mr. Eddie's father?

Ah, Mrs. Livingston...

Do you have any idea who sent you that money?

No, absolutely not.

Oh. Well... we all got a thousand dollars each too.

Do you know anyone who would be so...

...so rich?

So rich? Yeah. So generous? No.

Mr. Eddie's father, what should I do with the money?

Why don't you stick it in the freezer?

In the freezer?

Yeah. That's the way you get cold hard cash.

That's terrible. That's really terrible.

- I know. - Um, uh, Mrs. Livingston...

Uh, may I please say goodbye to Eddie?

Yes, one moment, please.

Eddie.

Yes, dad.

Bye, Eddie. Talk to you tonight.

Okay, sport. Bye.

[sighs]

Hmm. Hmm.

Sss...

No.

Hey, I got it.

You know I think, our friendly philanthropist is a grown-up.

And he's using a toy typewriter to throw us off.

- Object. - Why?

Why does a philanthropist have to be a he?

Whatever. I'm sure I can ascertain

its personality by analyzing the typewriting

on the envelopes.

Norman, graphology doesn't work with typing.

It only works with handwriting.

Wrong.

Notice closely the spaces between

the typing of the letters.

Huh. So what?

What do big spaces mean?

Whoever sent us the money must be a very generous person.

The mighty brain does it again.

Do you realize with all of this money

I could stay in group therapy for another seven years?

With all this money, you can buy your own group.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

B-before we go spending any of this money

I think we ought to know a little bit more about it.

What more?

Well, we don't know where it came from.

This money could've been stolen.

Yeah, but if we didn't steal it, then we're not guilty.

Okay. Okay.

You do whatever you'd like to do with yours.

But big daddy...

...is gonna keep his in the safe

until I find out just a little bit more about it.

What do you mean little more about it?

How are you gonna find out more about it?

Well, my attorney will be back in town tomorrow

and maybe he'll have a few ideas.

[Norman] Come on, Tina.

Let's put all this gorgeous, beautiful money...

...into the safe.

And not look back.

It sure is a drag having such

an honest man for a boss.

Come on, Tina. Come on, Tina. Good girl.

Aww. Daddy's very proud of you.

[typewriter clicking]

[typewriter clicking]

Eddie?

- Dad! - Eddie, what are you do--

♪♪

Eddie, what have you got there?

Money.

What are you doin' with it?

Well, I'm sendin' this pile to Amy and Ruth Gusterson.

Oh. Eddie, uh...

[clears throat] Where did you get all this?

I found it.

On the street, in the bushes.

In this bag.

Eddie... when did you find all the money?

Yesterday.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Because of what you're always sayin' about doing good deeds.

What's that?

That when you do a good deed

you shouldn't tell anybody.

Because then they'll you're doin' it

just to look like a real neat guy.

Oh, Eddie, uh, um...

Well, Eddie, then it was you that sent the money

to Norman and to Tina and to me.

And to Mrs. Livingston.

But don't tell 'em, okay?

Well, I'm sorry, Eddie.

I-I'm afraid we're gonna have to tell 'em.

But why?

Because we're gonna have to get all the money back.

You see, it wasn't really yours to give.

But why not? I found it. Finders keepers, right?

We... We'll not in this case. No.

Now, see what it says. "Western Union Bank."

That means that the money belongs to the bank.

But the bank has lots of money.

Why can't I give it to the people?

Eddie, who do you think owns all

the money that's in the bank?

- Bankers. - No. People.

What people?

Well, the people that put it there for safekeeping.

You mean if I don't give the money back to the bank

it's kind of like, I stole it?

No, you didn't steal it. You found it.

[Tom] But the honest thing to do is to give it back.

[Eddie] What if I didn't give it back?

Would the bank catch me?

[Tom] Well, I don't know. Maybe not.

[Eddie] If I do give it back, will they give me a reward?

[Tom] I don't know that either, Eddie.

[Eddie] Dad, do I have to give it back?

[Tom] What do you think?

[Eddie] I think I wanna give some of it to...

...Billy Gerbert and Joey Kelly and some

to Neil and Miles Domacher.

But none to their baby sister.

And I want to buy a mini bike for me.

And that's what I'd do.

[Eddie] If you found it, what would you do?

[Tom] Well, I would probably go through the same kind

of a struggle you're going through.

[Eddie] But you'd give it back, wouldn't you?

[Tom] Yes, I'd give it back.

[Norman] "Editor returns $10,000 cash to bank."

Well, Eddie really deserves all the credit for that.

Oh, I don't know, they probably figured that

a well-known editor is better copy than

an unknown little boy.

Mm, yeah, but in the last analysis

it was really Eddie who made the final decision

to return the money.

Mm-hmm. I don't know.

I think old dad had

something to say about it.

Well, if I, if I'd try to

clarify the values, the, uh...

- Morality. - Morality?

What about the reality?

- Hmm? - The reality.

The world as it is. People as they are.

[clanks]

Norman, what are you driving at?

It'd be very interesting to take a survey and see

how many people would've reacted the same as Eddie did

under the same set of circumstances.

Not many, you think?

You go to the head of the class.

You're absolutely right.

Not too many.

- Norman? - Mm-hmm?

What would you have done?

Oh, well, considering the fact that the bank

is insured for the money.

I'd have probably made some kinda pragmatic compromise.

Uh-huh. Specifically?

I would've told them I found nine thousand dollars

returned that and kept one.

Why would you have kept one?

In case they didn't give me a reward.

Ah! But, what makes you think you're deservingof a reward?

For being honest in what is essentially, unfortunately

a dishonest world.

And you think that keeping that thousand dollars, is honest?

Look, Eddie got a reward, you know.

He got a 25-dollar savings bond.

Hmm. Which cost the bank exactly $18 and 75 cents.

- Uh. - Sensi bank.

How did Eddie feel about it?

Well, he was very proud of it, Norman.

As a matter of fact, he took it to school

to show it to his friends.

Heavy. Very heavy.

[door opens]

Mr. Corbett, Eddie's here.

- How'd he get here? - I don't know.

He said he took the bus. He's in your office.

Well, what does he, what does he want?

He wouldn't tell me.

Thank you, Tina.

What ever is bugging this little guy? He is so mad.

Eddie?

[Eddie] Yeah, dad.

Where are you?

[Eddie] Under here.

- Under where? - Under your desk.

What, uh...

What are you doing under there?

I don't want any of the kids at school to ever see me again.

That's what I'm doing here.

Oh, what happened, Eddie?

They said I'm a goody-goody, and you're a dummy.

- Who? - The kids at school.

All of them?

Well, practically all of them.

Joey Kelly is so mad she doesn't even wanna sock me anymore.

[chuckles] Why?

On account of I returned that money.

Oh.

[sighs] The money.

I guess maybe you better come out from underneath there.

so we can talk about it, huh?

I'd rather talk about it from here.

Hmm.

Okay.

♪♪

Everybody saw that stupid picture in the paper.

Joey Kelly's dad says anyone who does a stupid thing like that

ought to be locked up in the crazy house.

Hmm.

Well, Eddie, Joey Kelly's dad is only one person.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who think

you did the right thing.

Everyone that talks to me thinks I did wrong

and it's your fault.

Alright. Perhaps, it is.

Mm-hmm.

On account that you told me it was right

to return all that money back to the bank.

Eddie...

I still think it's right.

Then how come everyone hates me?

I'm never going back to school.

[telephone ringing]

Yes, hello.

Y-yes, hello, Archie.

Oh, you saw the picture in the paper today?

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Archie, I did what I thought was...

So your friend feels the same way mine do. Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

It has something to do with the fact that, um...

...it seems a lotta people wouldn't have done

the same thing that you and I did.

You mean return the money?

Yeah.

[chuckles]

I guess there are just a lot of people in the world

that are not honest.

I guess that when somebody...

...else does something honest

even if they could've gotten away with being dishonest...

...some of us get prettymad at him.

You understand?

Nope.

All I understand is that the kids at school

and half their parents hate me.

And I'm never going back.

♪♪

Come in.

Brought you some milk and cookies.

No, thanks.

Hey...

Oatmeal cookies with raisins.

Mrs. Livingston made it especially for ya.

N-no, thanks.

Well, we'll just leave them here just in case, okay?

Want me to read you some more "Alice?"

Oh, come on. We'll go back and read all about the...

the tea party. You, you like that. That was funny, wasn't it?

No, thanks, dad.

I don't want you to read to me anymore.

Eddie.

Eddie, I'm truly very sorry about what happened.

Then can we move away?

No. No, running away never solved a problem.

It'll solve this one.

I could go to a new school with kids who don't hate me

and think my dad's a dummy.

Eddie, you care a great deal, don't you

about what other kids think?

Sure.

Do you like those kids?

Sure.

All of 'em?

Well, not all of them.

- Hmm. - No.

Well, Eddie, if you're gonna care so much

about what other people think

I think you ought to care about the people.

You care about Uncle Norman, don't you?

Sure.

And Tina and Mrs. Livingston?

Sure.

Well, they don't think you did anything that was wrong

or stupid.

They don't?

- No. - Honest?

[Tom] Honest.

And I know somebody else

who wouldn't have thought what you did was wrong... or stupid.

Who?

She would've thought what you did was honorable.

And good.

And she would've been very very proud of her son.

You know this is the first time

I ever celebrated the triumph of honesty.

- That's nice. - Mm-hmm.

Maybe we should make it a national holiday.

- Hey, dad. - Yeah.

After the observatory

can we go fishing off the Santa Monica pier?

Oh, I think that can be arranged. Yes.

And after that maybe we'll rent a boat.

We'll all go sailing.

Right.

The observatory, fishin' and sailing.

That's three neat-o's.

Those are the three grubby fingers.

Not bad for a Saturday.

[speaking Japanese]

Okay, down you go.

[gasps]

- Hey, dad. - Yeah.

I won't say anything... to you.

Not a thing.

[Eddie] Some of the guys in my class think girls are sissies.

[Tom] Oh. Do you think girls are sissies?

[Eddie] No. I think they just want to be mothers.

[Eddie] I'm glad I learned how to tell time, dad.

[Tom] For any special reason?

[Eddie] Sure. So now you have a special reason

to get me a wrist watch.

[Tom] Hm.

[Eddie] What makes fog?

[Tom] Fog is made by moisture in the air.

[Eddie] Is that when the air is too tired to rain?

[Tom] Yes.

[Tom] Eddie, did you wash behind your ears?

[Eddie] Sure.

[Tom] It doesn't look like it.

[Eddie] Well, maybe I just dry dirty.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪

[scatting]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪