Original subtitles

[Eddie] Dad, I've decided what musical instrument

I wanna learn to play.

[Tom] Good, which one?

[Eddie chuckles] Huh, the radio.

[Tom] Yeah, then you'll be tuned in.

[Eddie chuckles]

[Eddie] What's black and white and red all over?

[Tom] A newspaper?

[Eddie] Ah, you knew it.

Yeah, that's one of the disadvantages

of being a father.

You're older than your son.

[Eddie] What's ink?

[Tom] Um, ink is something

that was once used to write with.

[Eddie] Oh, I guess that must've been in the olden days.

[Tom] Hm.

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Ba ba ba whoops ♪♪

Alright, fine, Charlie, thank you very much. Yeah, bye-bye.

- I'm sorry, but-- - Yes, Tina.

What did you say your birth sign was again?

Ah, Aquarius.

Oh, I thought that's what you said.

- What's wrong, Tina? - I'm a Taurus.

[chuckles] No wonder you're so sexy. It's a great sign.

Not with Aquarius, it isn't.

What was that all about?

Hm, well, we, uh, ordered a couple

of those computerized horoscopes.

You know, for the research and the article, and...

I don't know, Tina's been hung up on 'em for a couple of days.

- Some people buy anything. - Hm.

That's what's great about us Leos.

- We know better. - Hm.

- Mr. Corbett - Hm.

What is your very, very worst sign, zodiac wise?

Tina, do we have to do that right now?

Mm-hmm.

[Tom] Um, Taurus and Scorpio.

What's wrong?

I'm a Taurus with Scorpio rising.

So?

According to my chart, this month is the crucial time

for me to start looking for a new place of employment.

Yes, well, Tina, could you, uh, go back to your typing now?

You see, you see how the friction is building?

I mean, the vibrations are terrible, Mr. Corbett.

The harmony is all gone.

I've been thinking about it for two days

and now, I'm quitting.

You're quitting?

- You're kidding. - Mnm-mnm.

I'm sorry not to have given you any notice

but if I'd given you notice and you would've tried

to talk me into severance pay

and then we would've had a big hassle

and I'd like to leave being friends.

Mm-hmm, that's nice. Leaving being friends.

Nice, yes, yes.

Tina, do you mean you're gonna quit on me

right in the middle of this article?

Yes, Mr. Corbett.

You can fight City Hall, but you can't fight your karma.

♪♪

Bye.

- Keep in touch, lovey. - Okay.

Think about me sometime.

Oh! I'm thinking about you now, Tina.

[sighs] She's really crazy.

Tina!

Heavy. That's heavy.

And so she took her Taurus with Scorpio rising

and marched right out the door.

She quit.

What are you talking about, dad?

Astrology, Eddie.

Now, as to believing in it, some people do...

...some people don't.

What's astrolo-jamy?

Astrology is an ancient system of using planets

to tell what your life would be like.

Plants?

I mean, you could tell what my life will be like

with plants, any old plants?

[chuckles] No, Eddie, no, not plants.

Now, planets. That like in the heavens, you know?

Yeah, look-look, um, look, come on. I'll show you.

♪ Don't forget your dad is still your best friend ♪♪

Alright, easy, easy as you climb that mountain.

Alright, you're going down in the valley.

Beautiful, beautiful, you didn't drop the supplies.

Now, look.

Now, this is called a horoscope, you see.

And according to this, we each have a different ruling planet

and a different birth sign, see.

Not I and you, dad.

Look, we both have the same sign.

Is that because we're best friends?

No, no, no, it's not, Eddie.

No, that's because, you and I were both born in early...

Oops! You're gonna spill that.

In early February, you see.

Now, if you and I had been born, for example in August

well, we would have been a different sign

we would have been...

Well, um, ahem, technically we'd soundlike Tina.

Yeah, you know, the whole country is caught up in this

and, uh, now I'm going along with 'em.

Do you not believe in astrology, Mr. Eddie's father?

Well, uh, when it says what I, what I wanna hear, I do.

And when I lose a secretary in the middle

of a crisis I don't.

Oh, I see.

I know why you're having all this trouble, dad.

You do?

It's because...

"This month the trend

"is for disappointments

"and... trouble

from co-workers."

And that's why you're having all this trouble, dad.

It says right here in your horoscope.

♪♪

Well, uh, thank you very much miss, and we'll...

- Well, we'll call you. - Yeah, groovy.

Yeah.

[knock on door]

Come on in, Norman.

Couldn't type, huh?

Nope. And that is the fourth one today.

Do you know what today's American labor force

consists of?

- No. - Beautiful children.

- Hey, I'll drink to that. - Yeah, you can afford to.

You don't need a secretary.

Yeah, I know the agency you want.

I can't think of their name, but it'll come to me.

They've nothing, but Wonder Women.

Type, the dictation great, the best.

Robots, with antennas comin' out their heads. You'll flip.

- Toolie Girls. - Toolie Girls.

[gasps] Oh!

- Well, I called them. - Mm-hmm.

- What happened? - Everyone wants 'em.

They are temporarily out of toolie girls.

Hm.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Mr. Corbett, I'm Miss Atwater, your toolie girl.

H-how do you, how do you do?

Mm-hm, the legs are hired.

Ah, Norman.

Ah, uh, this is Mr. Tinker.

- Mr. Tinker. - How do you do?

Well, h-how did I get so lucky?

I was told by the agency that I'd have to wait.

Oh, well, um, I turned down another job

because I've heard so much about your magazine

Mr. Corbett, and you.

I, uh...

Perhaps, this job might offer some

rather interesting challenges.

Yes, yes, yes, it does.

As a matter of fact, we're in a bit

of a bind right now, Miss Atwater.

Well, that's my specialty, Mr. Corbett.

I hope you'll, uh, forgive the mess

but my last secretary had a rather unique filing system.

Well, as I said before, Mr. Corbett, um

I enjoy a challenge.

♪♪

Shall we get to work?

[intercom beeps]

Mr. Corbett, you want the astro-bio file, I believe.

Well, you, you read minds too.

Oh, no, it's just that I thought

logically you'd be needing it about now.

Aha!

Here we are.

I, um...

I take two sugars in my coffee.

Yes, I know, I checked around.

Uh, here's the article you wanted typed.

But I only dictated that to you five minutes ago.

Time is money, Mr. Corbett.

Your phone messages.

Oh, and your next appointment is Senator Anderson.

He's quite fond of good cigars, so, uh, I took the liberty.

I'm sure you want to offer him one.

Will there be anything else?

What else could there possibly be?

Oh, the windows.

Uh, the men will be here to wash the windows

after Senator Anderson leaves.

I don't mind the windows the way they are.

Now, Mr. Corbett, you don't want to put off for tomorrow

what can be done today.

Why not? Who's checking?

♪♪

But one thing you must admit.

She's a very unusual woman, your Miss Atwater.

Yeah, she is, she types faster than the speed of sound.

Mm, and at the rate you dictate, you'll never catch up to her.

Yeah, she's a college graduate, you know.

English major.

Corrects your grammar, doesn't she?

Constantly.

- Some people call her a jewel. - Hm.

Rare jewel. Like the Hope diamond.

Isn't that the diamond that's got that curse on it?

Oh, could I take a message for you?

- Oh, no, I see him, thank you. - She's here.

[Charlie] But, madam, this is strictly a bar for gentlemen, you--

[Atwater] Seat for a lady.

Mr. Corbett, I looked all over the restaurant for you.

- Madam, you're not allowed-- - Oh, yes, captain.

I'd like a hamburger and coffee now.

- Uh, Mr. Corbett-- - Charlie, Charlie, uh...

Oh, well, do sit down, don't let your soup get cold.

Oh.

I thought perhaps, you'd like to get

a little work in while you're relaxing.

Yes. Time is money.

Certainly is.

Oh, and speaking of that your personal checking account

is getting near the minimum level.

- My personal checking account? - Hm.

[chuckles] What? Where do you find the time?

[chuckles] Toolie girls are trained to find the time, Mr. Corbett.

Such a head and such beautiful legs.

Um, I've drawn up this little budget

I'd like you to have a look at it.

[hiccups]

Excuse me.

Uh, Salud.

Now, in this budget I've allowed for--

[hiccups]

Excuse me.

Take seven sips of water without breathing.

No, I don't think I need that, Miss Atwater--

Yes, to cure your hiccups, seven sips.

- Without breathing. - Without...

♪♪

You can let your breath out now.

[exhales]

Yes, now...

[hiccups]

Well, it isn't your cure, Miss Atwater.

It's just my nervous stomach. Some men get ulcers.

I get hiccups.

Well, if it's a chronic thing, Mr. Corbett

I'll get you a brown paper bag to breathe out of.

I don't, I don't, I...

[sighs]

One thing you have to say for Tina.

She never gave you hiccups.

[hiccups] No, eat your soup.

♪♪

[imitating plane flying]

- Da-a-a-d. - M-m-m-m-hmm.

I think you're reading too much.

Eddie, you know I always read the paper before dinner.

I know, but it's Mrs. Livingston's night off

and I'm starving.

And that's why I think you're reading too much.

Oh, okay, well, in that case then

I will go and check the dinner.

[imitating plane flying]

Bang!

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hey, dad, look what's here.

- Miss Atwater. - Mr. Corbett.

Oh, uh, may I introduce you to my, uh, son, Eddie.

Uh, this is Miss Atwater, my new secretary.

The one you get the hiccups from?

Uh, uh, why don't you, uh, come in?

Oh, well, um, yes

just long enough to put out your picnic supper.

♪♪

I knew it was your housekeeper's night off.

Ah, well you, you really shouldn't have.

Sure, she should have. Look, it's fried chicken.

Really it's no trouble at all, they're just leftovers I had

around the house.

Boy, we've never had leftover strawberry pie before.

Won't you stay and have dinner with us tonight?

Oh, well, I'd really love to Eddie, but, uh, I have a date.

But I must say, if I'd known there were two such handsome men

in this house, I might have made other arrangements.

- Boy, you're sure pretty. - Thank you.

What sign are you? In astrolo-jamy?

I'm an Aries.

Dad, she's just our right sign.

She's just what we've been looking for.

Remember what it said in your horoscope?

Yes, how could I forget?

Now, wait, don't tell me. Let me guess.

I'll bet you're an Aquarian.

Right. Same as my dad.

- Aquarius is my best sign. - Tsk.

I'm sure we're going to be good, good friends, Eddie.

Goodnight, Mr. Corbett.

Oh, oh, yes, well...

Oh, don't bother.

Bye, Eddie.

- She's neat-o. - No, she's not, uh, she's not.

She, uh, has invaded my office.

She's invaded my restaurant.

And now, she has invaded my home.

- Don't you want her? - No.

But why? She's beautiful, and she makes strawberry pie.

And she has the right sign--

Yes, yes, Eddie, look, look. Scoot over.

Mm.

Eddie...

...the stars may say that two people are right for each other.

And other people may say

that two people are right for each other

but if one of those two people doesn't think

those two people are right for each other

then, those two people aren't right for each other.

- Well, goodnight sport. - Goodnight, dad.

D-a-a-ad.

What sign was mom?

Mm, Taurus.

Same as Tina!

[Norman] Tom, Tina's here.

Tina.

Ho-ho, am I glad to see you!

- You are? - Ah, I certainly am.

- Well, that's terrible. - W-why?

You make me feel worse.

Oh! Well, in that case I am not glad to see you.

I don't blame you, Mr. Corbett.

Leaving you the way I did was a finky thing to do.

Yes, it was.

What's more, it was a dumb finky thing to do.

Very.

I know you're mad at me, Mr. Corbett and...

- But I really am sorry. - No, I'm not mad at you.

And I hate my new job. And I was just thinking--

Sorry to interrupt, but we are on a deadline.

Um, here are the photostats of that article, Mr. Corbett.

I proofread it and circled the errors.

- Thank you. - Oh, well...

He always does that himself.

Oh, well, now that I'm here he doesn't really need to.

Fourteen errors, that's quite high.

Oh, and here are your phone messages.

I've crossed off the ones I've already answered.

Uh, well, uh, thank you.

How did you know what he was gonna say

to the ones you answered?

She knows.

- Would you like some coffee? - Ah, please.

She sugars it in advance.

Oh, I called the laundry too

about the missing buttons on your shirt

and they, they said it won't happen again.

She even calls your laundry for you?

Yes, I think the less said about Miss Atwater the better.

Now, Tina, look

were you about to say that you'd like to come back--

Come back?

Can't a person even visit a person without

a person assuming that a person is begging for a job?

- Tina, you're misunderstanding. - Oh, no, I'm not.

Aquarians always think they know

what the other person is thinking.

It was nice seeing you.

But after seeing Miss Atwater in action

Tina developed a king-sized inferiority complex.

[sighs] She just doesn't listen to reason.

How can she? She doesn't understand the language.

Now, listen, you were engaged to her for 12 whole hours.

What language does she understand?

We have to speak to her in the language of far out.

For instance, you have to tell her that you saw it in a vision.

- In a vision? - Or you read it.

In the Dead Sea Scroll.

Or you found it in a Chinese fortune cookie.

- Hm! - Hm?

- You may have it. - Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Livingston.

How'd you get to Mrs. Livingston from Chinese fortune cookie?

- She's Japanese. - Yeah, I know that.

But I can't be responsible for my free associations.

Look, Norman, how would you like

to take your former fiancee to a dinner party?

Terrific, as long as I don't have

to get engaged to her again.

Mnm-mnm, no, you don't, now all you have to do

is help me set the scene for a game of I Ching.

- E Ching. - E Ching?

I Ching.

[Livingston] By the numbers on the arrow sticks

and the position in which they fall

I must, I have to find in a key in the book.

Ah.

Is I Ching like astrolo-jamy?

Yes, like astrology, Eddie, in that it answers

all the questions you might wanna ask, yes.

But it is older than astrology.

Matters of the state was decided by the throw of these sticks

before there was a Western civilization.

Ah, well that makes it very very valid, doesn't it?

When should we start?

Eddie, would you like to ask first question?

Sure, uh, let's see...

Will I get an A in spelling?

Let's try.

[chuckles]

Hexagram 62, the small get by.

Fantastic.

[Livingston] The small get by. Success.

"When the birds fly high their singing is out of tune."

The humble are favored.

There's your answer, Eddie.

Where, where does it say I get an A?

[Livingston] It is all the interpretation.

I Ching was originally written in ancient Chinese.

Like my language it is full of symbols.

Well, I would say that is definitely a yesanswer, Eddie.

Mr. Eddie's father.

Okay.

Let's see, my question is...

...will Tina come back to work for me?

♪♪

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hexagram 61.

Hexagram 61.

"Inward confidence."

- Aah! - Aah!

"This hexagram symbolizes a wind blowing over

"a marshy lake return welcome.

"'The sun shines on the weary traveler'

who finds his way home."

"Who finds his way home."

Uh, Norman, I-I really have a-a terrific headache.

Could we go now, please?

- Yeah, sure, baby. - W-w-well, what did I say?

What... T...

Mr. Corbett, you didn't have to go to all that trouble

just to let me know you don't want me back.

I've already received the message.

Don't think I don't know what a marshy lake means.

- What does it mean? - Nothing!

There's only one person on the world who could've interpreted

that as no, and she just did.

I think she just learned a new language.

It's called incomprehensible.

Ciao.

♪♪

Oh, someone's tryin' to poison me.

[beeps]

♪♪

Tina...

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Miss Atwater quit.

Oh, yeah, well, I was wondering why she wasn't in her desk

when I came by.

Any idea as to why she, uh, didn't tell me?

Well, uh, she called me late last night.

She called you late. Would you like to come in?

Mr. Corbett, I know I can't live up to her standards

but neither can anybody else, so you might as well have me

as anybody else, huh, please?

[sighs] Oh, well...

Well...

Alright.

[chuckles]

I brought you my pay voucher to sign, Mr. Corbett.

Oh, well, yes, of course.

Ms. Atwater, I'm a little curious, why, uh...

Why you decided to leave so suddenly?

Well, toolie girls don't waste time, Mr. Corbett.

Waste time?

When I took this job, I turned down several others

that offered considerably more pay.

You did? Why?

Because I heard you were attractive and, um, eligible.

Oh...

And I thought if I made myself indispensable to you

and we got along, perhaps...

[chuckles] Well, it didn't happen.

As a matter of fact, you never even asked me my first name.

It happens to me a lot lately.

I mean, the people I want to reach most

I somehow frighten off.

Some days it doesn't pay to be Super Woman.

Miss Atwater...

...what's your first name?

Mary Anne. I'm in the book.

Wow...

That's quite a lady.

Beautiful. Are you gonna call her?

[telephone rings]

Tina, the phone's ringing.

She had to be an Aries, right?

That's a good sign with you.

Tina, the phone, it's ringing.

She sure doesn't look like a Mary Anne though.

Welcome back, nutsy.

Tom, you're right, this is gonna be the best article

I've ever done. This picture's going to be...

I've heard youth is takin' over, but this is ridiculous.

Dad let me take a taxi down here

and now he's takin' me out for a soda.

What's the occasion?

Well, it's a reward for persistence

and a righteous cause.

Hey, Eddie, you got an A in spelling.

Right! That I Ching sure does know what it's talking about.

E Ching.

- Dad? - E Jing.

Hey, you gotta tell me something.

- Hmm? - How did Tina get back here?

She, uh, she discovered her horoscope was wrong.

How, dad?

Well, Eddie, you see, uh, you're supposed to give

your exact year of birth, right?

Well, Tina, being a lady, couldn't do that.

So she got somebody else's chart.

Whose?

Well, whoever was born

where she was, but two years later.

- I love it. - Hey, come on, let's go.

Will you explain to me about ladies, dad?

Explain to you about ladies? Huh.

Yeah. Well, uh, yeah, I'll-I'll try.

I'm afraid that might take a little time.

Uncle Norman, would you care to help me

explain to him about ladies?

Oh, I got a lot of time, at least a hundred years.

Let's go, champ.

[Eddie] Was mom perfect?

[Tom] Mm, no, no she wasn't.

She, um... Just like you...

Never ever put the top back on the toothpaste tube.

And, uh, when she made me eggs, soft boiled eggs

she always got egg shells in the eggs every time.

And she always burnt the toast.

And she had those, um, wisp of hair that used to...

...fall on her eyes all the time.

[Eddie] But you loved her?

[Tom] Yes, I did, with all my heart.

- You know why? - No.

Because she wasn't perfect.

But she was just right for me.

[Eddie] Me too.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra ♪♪