Original subtitles

[Eddie] Dad.

[Tom] Yeah.

[Eddie] If I was a girl...

...would you like me just as much?

[Tom] Oh, I suppose I would.

[Eddie] Would you like me even more?

[Tom] No, 'bout the same. Why?

[Eddie] Oh, I just wanted to make sure you were happy getting a boy.

Dad, how much money did the lady across the hall

pay for a kitten?

[Tom] Oh, I don't know, I think it was around $75.

[Eddie] Gee.

[Tom] Why do you ask?

[Eddie] That's a lot of money

for a little kitten, isn't it?

[Tom] Well, I guess it is.

[Eddie] With that much money

she could've gotten two big dogs.

[Tom] Hmm.

["Best friend" by Nilsson]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

[scatting]

And that is the story

of how the giraffe came to have a long, long neck.

Read another, please.

Oh, I think that is enough for tonight.

But I'm not sleepy yet, Mrs. Livingston.

Hmm.

Would you like me to sing you a komoriuta?

What's a komoriuta?

It is a song that mothers used to sing

their children to sleep.

A lullaby.

Okay.

And... I'm going to sing you

the one my mother used to sing to me.

When you were a little girl?

Mm-hmm. When I was a little girl like your age.

[singing in foreign language]

♪♪

You know what, Mrs. Livingston?

What, Eddie?

I don't have to look for a mother anymore.

You don't?

No, because I have you.

♪♪

[Tom] You quit?

Yes, I quit.

Mrs. Livingston.

In our country, we have an expression.

To quit. And that means to go away.

But not to come back.

I know.

[chuckles] Why would you wanna leave us?

Because I have to.

♪♪

Mrs. Livingston...

Did Eddie say something to you?

Yes.

Ah, I thought so.

Now, whatever it is, I know it's upset you

but I'm sure it's a misunderstanding.

Now, what did he say?

He said, he did not have to look for mother anymore

because he has me.

Oh, well, that's a compliment.

He only said it because he loves you.

When I am here, I am like mother to him.

Yes.

It will be unfair to the lady you will marry some day

and who will be his mother.

Mr. Eddie's father...

I should not be the one who sings lullabies to him.

- Dad. - Eddie.

You could not sleep?

Oh, hi, sport. What are you doing up?

- I heard talking. - Yeah, well, I'm, I'm sorry.

I guess we were talking, uh, uh, a little loud.

It's okay. But what were you talkin' about?

Well, Eddie... Mrs. Livingston, uh...

...has decided that it's time for her to leave us.

Eddie.

You see, I have a sister who lives far away in East.

And I haven't seen her for long time

so I would like to visit her.

But you'll be back, won't you?

Oh, yes. I'll come to visit you.

But when are you gonna leave, so you can come and visit?

I think I better leave tonight.

Tonight?

♪♪

Yes, do you think you could manage?

Well, we'll try and manage.

But tonight?

That means tomorrow morning when I wake up

you won't be here.

No.

But your father will be here.

♪ La la ♪

Okay?

♪ La la ♪

♪ La la ♪

Goodbye, Mrs. Livingston.

You're sure?

I'm sure.

Bye.

Goodbye.

[scatting]

♪♪

Dad.

Yes, Eddie.

Nothin'.

[Eddie] Hey, dad.

It's mornin'.

Dad.

Eddie. What are you doing?

I just wanted to see if anyone was in there.

Yes. I'm in here.

And so is your finger.

- Dad. - Huh?

Aren't you ever gonna wake up and be somebody?

You're right. It's morning.

Huh. Mrs. Livingston here yet?

No, she left yesterday, remember?

Hmm? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you sure we're gonna get along without her?

Oh, sure, sure.

Eddie, we'll get along, we'll get along.

Sure, sure.

Then how come you have to say it so many times like that?

Because I'm...

I'm very repetitious first thing in the morning.

Morning, morning, morning.

Hm.

Take a memo.

Busy editors make messy rooms.

I hope you straighten it up.

No, that's alright. We'll just do it later, Eddie, later.

We better do it now.

Then you can help me get dressed.

Help you get dressed?

Yeah.

Eddie, you've been dressing yourself for a long time.

It's not the dressing, dad, it's the deciding.

Mm. The deciding?

What'll I wear, dad?

Oh, uh, well, Eddie, I don't care.

Just why don't you wear whatever you'd wear

if, uh, Mrs. Livingston were here.

But I don't know what that is.

She always used to put the stuff out the night before.

So, what'll I wear, dad?

[gasps] Well, Eddie, it's Saturday.

So, why don't you just put on jeans and a T-shirt?

Okay.

Okay.

♪♪

What're you waiting for?

- What T-shirt? - Mm? Anyone. I don't care.

The orange one or the blue one?

- Orange one. - Okay.

[yawns]

What shoes?

- Hmm? Sneakers. - Okay.

What sneakers, the blue ones or the one with the thick soles?

The blue ones.

With an orange T-shirt?

The ones with the thick sole.

Alright.

Okay, what socks?

Eddie...

You're gonna have to learn

to start making some of these decisions yourself.

Okay.

I won't wear any socks.

Is it okay if I don't comb my hair today, dad?

No, it is not okay.

Then could you help me find my comb?

Later, Eddie, later, later.

Boy, we're gonna have lots of things to do later.

Like finding my comb, straightening up your room.

Then we're going to have all the house work to do.

House work? What house work?

Well, Saturday is the day we have to vacuum...

...iron shirts, draw out the old newspapers

and dust the furniture.

Well, how do you know all that?

From watching Mrs. Livingston.

Oh, well, I have a lot of work to do, alright?

But I'll tell you one thing, it's not gonna be house work.

Then who's gonna do it?

Eddie, I don't know, I guess we'll have to put an ad

in the paper, and find another house keeper.

But who's gonna do it before you find her?

Don't worry about it. Alright, Eddie?

Okay, but we're gonna have a pretty crummy apartment.

Eddie, you're beginning to sound like a little old lady.

Now, will you please cut it out?

Okay. What's for breakfast?

Egg. Right here.

Four of 'em. Count four.

One, two, three, four. What else?

What else? What else do you want beside eggs?

Do you know how to make waffles?

Well, would you mind if we just ate all the eggs, first?

Okay.

Then can we have waffles?

Eddie, if you still want waffles

after you have the eggs, yes.

With teriyaki sauce on 'em?

On the eggs?

No, the waffles.

Eddie, will you just stop talking about the waffles

until you've finished your eggs?

I'm sorry, dad.

I didn't know waffles make you mad.

Mm-hmm.

What kind of eggs are we having?

What kind of eggs would you like?

Does toast make you mad?

No, Eddie, toast does not make me mad.

Then why don't we have shirred eggs on toast, Japanese style?

Because I don't know how to make shirred eggs

on toast, Japanese style.

What kind of eggs do you know how to make?

Scrambled.

Then why don't we have scrambled eggs and peanut butter?

Uh, fine. Do you know where the frying pan is?

The big one or the little one?

I don't care, just long as it's the frying pan.

Okay.

Hey, dad, look, here's the waffle iron!

- Eddie. - Can't find the frying pan.

You can scramble the eggs in the waffle iron.

Eddie, we will find the frying pan.

Now will you just keep quiet?

The frying pan.

Can I say something, dad?

Go on.

We don't need the frying pan.

Why?

- 'Cause you smashed the eggs. - Oh.

You did it when you put the waffle iron down on 'em.

Yes, yes.

You really smashed 'em good, dad.

Yes, I can see that, Eddie.

Now can we have waffles?

No, Eddie, we cannot have waffles.

Then what're we having?

Right now, Eddie, we are having a hard time.

[sighs]

That's what we're having. Cereals!

Hot or cold?

Eddie, these questions of yours are driving me crazy.

Now, we're having hot cereal.

Nice, hot cereal.

- Maybe we should have waffles! - Why waffles?

Because waffles don't make you as mad

as nice, hot cereal does.

Eddie! Nice, hot cereal does not make me mad!

Then what are you mad at, dad?

[sighs]

♪♪

This is a far, far better thing I do now

than I've ever done before.

This is a far, far better piece I writ now

than I've ever wrotten before.

Norman Tinker, you're brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

Norman, if you can spell

this would probably be one of the best articles

you've ever wrotten for me.

But don't you think that I should tell you that?

I'm not talking about that one, I'm talking about

this ad I'm writing for you.

For me?

What ad is that?

Titled, "Help! Wanted. Housekeeper."

Norman, don't you ever read the Sunday classifieds?

Which happen to be under your feet.

- I've already taken out an ad. - Mm-hmm.

Yes. I've seen it.

"Wanted housekeeper. Weekdays. 9:00 to 5:00.

Care for bachelor and young son."

You really do write a dull ad, you know it?

Well, I didn't know it had to be entertaining, Norman.

According to the latest statistics

there's approximately one and a quarter housekeeper

for every seven and three quarter job.

In other words, you've gotta sell yourself.

- Huh? - Like this.

"Easy to please bachelor, with great disposition

and an adorable, easy to manage son."

- Hey, what's Eddie doing today? - He's with the neighbors.

Norman, you realize they charge for these ads, by the word?

It's with every penny, scrooge. Believe me.

[sighs] "Desperately needs you?"

Emotional appeal. You gotta have heart.

- It gets to them, every time. - Oh, Norman!

"And has groovy friend

who eats anything you put in front of him."

You don't really need that last part.

I think I know what I'll do. I will stick with the dull one.

Hey, well, I've got a great idea.

- I have a better idea. - What's your idea?

Stick to your job.

This is a far, far better thing I do now

than I have ever done before.

Silently, Norman, silently.

♪♪

♪♪

Eddie?

Eddie!

Hi, dad. Did you finish your work at the office?

Yes. I thought you were at the Gunbarkers.

No, I came home to clean up the apartment.

How do you shut this thing off?

Hey, sport, look...

I don't expect you to do all the house work around here.

I just thought it doesn't look nice

just in case a housekeeper answered our ad.

They wouldn't wanna come and take care of us

if they saw how messy we were.

Yeah, well, the place isn't too great, is it?

- Uncle Norman! - Hi, Eddie.

Hey, you've been eating a lot.

Norman, I just left you at the office. What are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in

peek around.

I'll say this for the two of you, you don't know

the first thing about being bachelors.

Yes, well, as you're gonna see

we enjoy living in, casual disarray.

Yes, but it doesn't become you. It's not your lifestyle.

- Oh? - I'm here to give a present.

Oh!

What's the present, Uncle Norman?

Right up here in the old bean bag, Eddie.

I'm gonna give you both bachelor lessons.

- Neat-o! - Norman.

Oh, um...

Tom, as nature has designed us, the female of the species

does have a function.

Uh-huh.

In the absence of that function

the male animal, in order not to crack up...

Yeah.

- ...has to learn to survive. - Huh?

We'll start in the kitchen. It's the nerve center of every home.

- Wakata. - Anything you say.

Using all of these dishes you've violated

the cardinal principle of bachelor living.

- Which is? - The avoidance of work.

Oh, no, no, no, we've, uh, managed

to do pretty well by avoiding to do the dishes.

Now, sooner or later, you have to do them.

You haven't avoided it, you've merely delayed it.

Mm-hmm.

That's 'cause I and dad couldn't figure out

how to use the dishwasher.

Well, Eddie, according to the Norman Tinker

basic bachelor principle, you don't need a dishwasher.

How do you manage that, Norman?

You eat over the sink a lot. Watch.

Over here I have a head of lettuce. Right?

[Tom and Eddie] Right.

Here, I have some dressing. Right?

- Yeah. - Right.

Now, watch closely.

We take this knife, we cut the lettuce

and we hold it very carefully over the sink. Right?

And we take the dressing, we pour it over the lettuce.

Over the sink. Right?

There you have it. Instant salad.

Which I eat only over the sink.

Delicious.

Do we have to eat everything over the sink?

Right, Eddie.

'Cause you have to. Now, watch.

Just turn on the faucet. Voila!Instant clean.

- Alright, Norman. - Uh-huh.

What about soup?

- Bachelors don't eat soup. - Oh.

Only things you can eat over the sink.

Then how am I going to drink my milk?

I thought you were gonna ask that. Right out of the bottle.

The avoidance to work, nothing to clean up. Remember, Eddie?

Now...

See this floor.

It'd be hard to miss.

You have to stop walking on it.

- Why? - That's how it gets dirty.

How are we supposed to notwalk on the floor?

Well, you can't not walk on it entirely

but we can agree on a mutual path.

For instance, if you wanna go from the sink to the living room

you take one step north, make a sharp right angle turn

and then take a tight path to the living room.

And in the living room, we make a left angle turn.

Uncle Norman is only kidding, isn't he?

Eddie, with your Uncle Norman you never know.

Why did you do that?

I'm locking off the bedrooms.

Why?

To turn this into an easy to care for

utility apartment.

Kitchen, living room. That's all you need.

But where are we gonna sleep?

Well, you're gonna sleep here on the couch, Eddie.

Tomorrow we buy a rollaway bed for your father.

We keep that in the closet.

Norman, there's just one thing you forgot.

What'd I forget?

The bathrooms are in there!

Boy, your private key, for one bathroom only.

Is it okay if we use the terrace?

No, Eddie, the terrace is strictly for looking... at.

You're liable to attract in too much dirt.

[doorbell ringing]

There's the cardinal sin. No company.

'Cause you have a company, you have to clean up after them.

Whoever it is tell them to go away.

With any luck, it's someone answering the ad.

I hope it's someone who speaks Japanese.

[oriental music]

Mrs. Livingston!

Mrs. Livingston, you've come to visit.

No.

I came to answer your advertisement.

Boy, I and dad are sure glad you're back, Mrs. Livingston.

I'm going to call up Billy Gerber right now

and tell him you're back.

Will you, uh...

...please come in?

- Konichiwa. - Konichiwa.

Well, there's nothing like a nice, dull ad

to get a really terrific response.

"Easy to please bachelor with great disposition

and adorable, easily managed son."

"Desperately need you."

I've a friend who works on the linotype machine

at the newspaper. He got a late edition for me.

Ciao.

Uh, Norman.

Well, many thanks.

Well, uh...

As far as starting your new job is concerned

how is tomorrow, Monday?

Just this once I will make an exception

and work on Sunday.

Well, I... thank you for making an exception and starting today.

You're welcome.

And the lullabies...

...will there be any exceptions there?

♪♪

It is possible, from time to time.

Uh, Eddie, I may be flying to New York on business.

How'd you like to go with me?

Do we have to fly?

Well, I thought you liked to fly.

It's okay, I guess.

But I'd bet it'd be more fun going by stage coach.

[Eddie] I got a friend in school, he used to get all mixed up.

Well, why is he mixed up, Eddie?

[Eddie] Well, you know how when you're a kid

and they throw you up in the air and catch you

and throw you up in the air and catch you again?

[Tom] Sure.

[Eddie] I think his family had a very low ceiling.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪