Original subtitles

[Eddie] When I was a little kid, I wasn't very smart.

[Tom] What do you mean?

[Eddie] I didn't know anything about sex.

[Tom] Oh.

[Eddie] I used to think girls were soft boys.

[Tom] Oh.

[Eddie] Dad, am I a baby?

[Tom] No, Eddie, you're a growing little boy.

[Eddie] Then why when someone sits with me

they call her a babysitter?

[Tom] Well, that's just a phrase that grown-up people use.

[Eddie] Hmm. Grown-up people are very sensitive

to growing little boys.

["Best friend" by Nilsson]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

[scatting]

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

Come on, what am I doing?

You're doing the bow and arrow.

- Come on, what am I doing? - The gorilla!

Well, it's close. But I prefer to call it the chimpanzee

'cause it's more lady-like.

Come on, do another one, Glori.

- No, you don't. - Oh.

Listen, your dad will be home any minute now

and you wanna go to the zoo with me tomorrow.

- Don't you? - You bet.

Okay, well, it's about two hours past your bedtime

and we're on borrowed time now, so split!

Okay.

I'm splittin'.

Hey, Glori, I'm sure glad you moved here from New York.

You're about the best sitter I ever had.

[door shuts]

♪♪

♪♪

- Hi, Glori. - Hi, Mr. Corbett.

- Any calls? - No.

Oh, good, good.

- Eddie asleep? - Oh, yes.

I've been sitting here for hours reading the, um...

- The "Wall Street Journal." - "Wall Street Journal?"

Well, I'm a little deeper than I look, I guess.

- Oh... - Did you have a nice time?

Oh, we had a marvelous time.

You know that new rock musical "Scalp?"

- We saw it tonight. - Oh, wow.

It's really a fantastic...

- It's a great show. - Yeah.

Now, after that went over

the Licorice Stick and, uh, you know...

[laughs]

Yeah, well, um...

Here we go, Glori.

No. I always, I always hate to take money

when I babysit for Eddie.

We have such a ball together.

He's such a fine boy.

Yes. Yes, he is.

But I once heard that the business

of business... is business.

♪♪

- Mr. Corbett... - Yes?

May I borrow your "Wall Street Journal?"

Uh, I'd like to finish the article on

uh, mergers and, um, um, um, um, con...

- Conglo-Conglomerates? - Right.

- Yeah, surely. - Thanks.

You know, it's the kind of newspaper

that once you pick it up, you just can't put it down.

Mm-hmm.

By the way, I'd like to take Eddie

to the zoo tomorrow. Will that be alright?

Oh, it'd be marvelous if you could, I'd appreciate it.

It sure is convenient

living just a couple of floors below you.

Yes, it saves that drive the babysitter home

after work with the-their thing.

Well, goodnight, Mr. Corbett.

Goodnight, Glori.

Goodnight.

♪♪

Eddie...

Uh, Eddie, what are you doing?

Trying to figure out how much older

Glori is than me.

Oh.

See, I was born...1962.

I know, I was there.

And Glori's birthday, is May 26.

Is that the number you start?

Well, Eddie, it depends on

where you intend to go from there.

Well, I was gonna subtract

May 26 from 1962

but I don't think that'll work.

I don't either.

Then could you help me?

Oh, well, uh, well, let's see now.

How old is Glori, hmm?

Say she is 15.

Fifteen. Alright, alright. How old are you?

- I am seven. - Right.

Now, seven from fifteen is what?

Say...

- Is eight close? - It's right on the nose.

- Eight years. - Mm-hmm.

Is that a generation gap?

Well, Eddie, uh, to people who think alike

there is no generation gap.

That's good, 'cause Glori and I think alike.

- You do? - Uh-huh.

She likes bubble gum, the bow and arrow

and me, and so do I.

Oh, well, you like Glori, huh?

[doorbell rings]

I'm gonna marry her!

Oh?

- Hi. - Hi, Mrs. Livingston.

Good morning.

Oh, you're going to the zoo so early?

Yeah.

Glori!

- Hi, Glori. - Hi, Eddie.

Go get dressed, you're going to the zoo.

- Hi, Glori. - Hi, Mr. Corbett.

Going to the zoo so early, huh?

Yeah, well, um, I thought I would return this

the "Wall Street Journal" before you went to work.

[Tom] Oh. Oh, how was the article on mergers and conglomerates?

[Glori] Oh, it was super groovy, yeah.

Oh, yeah, well, Mrs. Livingston, would you please file this

under Mergers and Conglomerates?

Oh, will you have breakfast?

Oh, I won't have time, Mrs. Livingston.

I'm running late for my tee-off time.

I think I'll eat at the club.

- Oh. - Bye-bye. Bye, Glori.

Bye.

Glori, have you had breakfast?

Yeah, but I won't say no to milk.

Alright, come on.

♪♪

Mr. Corbett's a wonderful athlete I'll bet.

I wonder if he surfs.

I don't know, maybe.

I bet he does. I bet he's really great at it too.

Glori, would you like some Japanese cookies?

- Yeah. - Alright.

You know, if he didn't have to work on that magazine

he could do TV commercials any day.

- He could? - Yeah.

You know the ones where they have the girls

chasing after this really good-looking guy

because they dig his aftershave lotion?

- I know the one. - Yeah.

Mrs. Livingston...

can I talk to you woman-to-woman?

Of course.

Mrs. Livingston...

how old do you think I am?

You're fifteen.

Oh.

Well, everybody says I look a lot older.

But, anyway, I was wondering...

is Mr. Corbett engaged or anything?

Engaged?

I don't think so.

Oh.

Uh, no, I mean, I'm just wondering.

Mrs. Livingston, what's Mr. Corbett's favorite cake?

Fudge with fudge icing. It's mine too.

How would you like it if I made you both a fudge cake?

Oh, boy.

Come on, Glori, I have something real important to show you

before we go to the zoo.

Okay.

Oh, Mrs. Livingston, I can't tell you how much

you've helped me with our little talk.

Oh, anytime, Glori.

- Okay. - Come on. Let's get going.

♪♪

What a crazy place for a strong box.

I know. I put it there.

No one would look for a strong box

under the mattresses.

Makes kind of a big lump to sleep on, doesn't it?

Yeah. I put it at the bottom.

My feet don't reach that far yet.

See?

You got to keep eating, Eddie.

Yeah. I know.

Hey, it's okay. You can watch.

I'm gonna give you the combination anyway

just in case.

In case of what?

An emergency.

What kind of emergency?

Well, suppose I became

a skydiver.

I jumped out of my plane and counted to ten

and pull the ring on my chute.

But my chute wouldn't open.

That would be an emergency, wouldn't it?

It sure would.

But what's in this for me

if your chute doesn't open?

Umm...

All kinds of neat-o things.

Three of the prettiest

glass marbles ever made.

I won 'em off Myles and Neil Guttmacher.

Hey, what are these?

A whole bunch of important guarantees.

What are they doing in the strong box?

My dad wants me to take care of it for him.

Let me see, this one's for my electric toothbrush.

This one's for dad's electric razor.

This one's for the vacuum cleaner.

You know, your dad's really lucky

to have you to take care of these things for him.

Yeah, I know.

And they're all yours

in case anything happens to me.

Well, thanks, Eddie.

But why me?

- 'Cause I like you. - Well, I like you too.

Enough to marry me?

Boy, Eddie, you sure don't

give a girl much warning.

Well, I was going to ask you at the zoo

but I just couldn't wait.

Well, do you think your dad will let you?

I mean, I'm a lot older than you.

Eight years is all.

I figured that out this morning.

I know I can't marry you now.

But eighteen years isn't all that long

to wait for someone who you really like, is it?

Well, it's an awful long time.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

♪♪

[grunts]

Eddie, I got this idea

that we won't have to wait so long.

What is it?

How would you like it

if instead of your wife

I was your mother?

- Mother? - Yeah.

This way we could be together all the time.

We wouldn't have to wait 18 years.

Well, how does that sound?

Oh, boy! That's great!

- Does dad know? - Not yet.

And you got to promise not to tell him.

Okay, I'll promise.

You cross your heart?

That's a girl's oath.

If you really wanna make it stick

we have to mix our saliva together.

You do?

Look, like this.

There, that ought to do it.

It sure ought to.

- Excuse me. - Alright, that's alright.

I didn't know you're still playing golf.

Well, I'm not exactly playing, Mrs. Livingston.

I did that earlier today.

- So that-- - Badly.

That's golf. May I watch?

Oh! Oh, sure, sure.

Is that all there is to it?

Just hit the little ball in glass?

Uh...

- Hi, dad. - Um, hi, sport.

How was the zoo?

- It was terrific. - Oh, great. Listen, uh...

Did you ask Glori to marry her?

Yeah.

Well, what did she say?

She didn't want to wait 18 years.

- Hi, Mrs. Livingston. - Hey.

We had a terrific time at the zoo.

Oh, that's good. How many hot dogs did you eat?

Four. I'm trying to grow so my feet'll reach

the bottom of my bed.

- Eddie... - Hmm?

Eddie, are you upset

that Glori turned you down?

- No. - You're not?

No.

Oh, then you're both still gonna be friends?

Sure, and more than that.

[Tom] Oh? What do you mean?

Uh, never mind, I better go wash up.

Well, it seems that Eddie

asked Glori to marry him today.

- Marry him? - Yeah.

First crushes are very, very rough.

And it seems that Glori handled the situation very well.

- That's good. - Yes.

It isn't easy to say "No"

to someone that wants to marry you.

How would you have handled the situation?

You mean if I were Glori?

No, no, no.

Suppose Glori had a crush on you.

Oh. Well, I don't know.

I suppose I'd say something like, um...

"Glori, my dear girl..."

Well, "Dear girl" kills it right there, you see.

Then you say, uh...

"Unfortunately, I'm more than twice your age.

"Why, when you're 30, I'll be 45

and when you're 45, I'll be..."

Well, you got the idea, you know.

It's good to know that you know

how to handle such a situation.

Mm-hmm.

- Mrs. Livingston... - Yes?

By any chance

um, would you

be trying to tell me something?

No.

A-ha. Well, um...

Ah, is there something on your mind?

- Yes. - Well...

Wouldn't you like to tell me?

When she returned "Wall Street Journal"

I do not think she look at you

with thoughts of mergers and conglomerates.

You mean, you-you think she looked at me with thoughts

that were a little more, um...

p-person?

Very perceptive.

♪♪

Oh, boy. Fudge cake. Your favorite, dad.

Yeah, well, I've never heard you complain.

Mm. Mmm.

Mrs. Livingston, you're a number one cake maker.

But I did not bake the cake.

Well, hold on there. This ain't no store-bought cake.

- I can tell. - Glori made it.

Oh.

It was very good. You can't deny that.

She'd make a great wife, dad.

The only trouble is

she says Lawrence Welk

is a square. Don't like him.

Promise you won't tell, dad?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, I promise.

What color sweater you want, Eddie?

[Eddie] Dirty brown. So when I play in it, the dirt won't show.

Well, hello everybody. What's going on?

Hi, dad. Glori's gonna knit me a dirty brown sweater.

Oh, well, that, that's-that's very nice.

Well, if it comes out good, I'll knit you one too.

Oh, w-w-why don't you knit one for your father?

No, all he wears is shirts and ties.

- Oh. - Well...

- I got to go now. - Bye.

I have a heavy date tonight.

Have a boyfriend, huh? Going-going steady?

Actually I'm going out

with a man in his late 20's.

I sort of dig older men.

- Bye, Glori. - See ya.

Oh, do you both like apple pie?

It's my favorite.

[Glori] How about if I bake you one this week?

- Neat-o! - Goodnight, Mr. Corbett.

Yeah, bye.

Don't worry, dad. He's only her uncle.

- He who? - The guy she's dating with.

Oh, Eddie, Myles and Neil Guttmacher is downstairs

and they want you to come out

and play with them.

Do they have their baby sister with them?

- No. - Good.

- Mrs. Livingston? - Yes?

You were right.

- I was? - Mm-hmm.

About what?

You were right about Glori.

She's now knitting his and his sweaters.

One for Eddie, one for me.

And in the near future

we can expect an apple pie.

I consider that very close to a proposal.

Oh, what are you going to do?

Well, I-I don't know, I was sort of depending on your

inscrutable oriental wisdom.

Oh, can you not tell her the speech about...

"My dear girl, when you're 45, I will be--"

Yeah, alright, a-alright.

I just don't think things are that desperate yet.

But they're close.

♪♪

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Livingston, I forgot my key.

- I'll take that for you. - Thank you.

Okay, I think I have the Glori problem licked.

- Huh? - Mm-hmm.

I have added a few carefully chosen albums

to my record collection.

Liberace, Lawrence Welk.

Mm-hmm. And if that's too subtle for her

I'm gonna fill this place with art-supports.

By the way, have you seen her today?

Oh, Glori? She's in the kitchen.

She came for her mother's cake dish.

Uh...

- Hi. - Hi, Glori.

Excuse me. I must, uh, dinner.

Hey, I got some new, uh, some new record albums.

Wanna hear 'em?

- No, thanks, Mr. Corbett. - Why? They're great.

I mean, look, I've got some Lawrence Welk here

and Little Liberace...

Mr. Corbett, I know you got

the albums for my benefit.

No, I didn't, Glori. I brought 'em for me.

I guess you could just say that I'm square.

No, you're not.

You're really groovy.

But you're just trying to act square.

No, I'm not.

Mr. Corbett...

I heard you tell Mrs. Livingston

about the records and the art-supports.

Oh, you did?

Why do you want me to think you're square?

Why do you think, Glori?

Operation Turn Off.

Well, I-I guess that's

a good way to put it, yes.

I'm so embarrassed I could die.

Hey, hey, hey.

♪♪

Mr. Corbett?

Yes?

How did you know?

I mean, you know, how I felt.

Oh, well, I don't know, Glori.

I... I guess I showed you just

how old I really am.

Mr. Corbett...

Hmm?

What am I gonna do with me?

Glori, you're doing just fine with you.

How can you tell?

I can see it.

I, I can see the beginnings.

Beginnings of what?

Of a lovely...

...and a sensitive...

...woman.

And groovy too.

Honest, Mr. Corbett?

Honest.

Promise.

♪♪

[Glori] So that's why we ought to spend more time

with kids our own age.

Well, we can still be friends, can't we?

Even if you're not going to marry dad?

[Glori] Oh sure.

It's just that we're gonna be seeing less of each other.

Well, bye, Eddie.

Bye, Glori.

♪♪

Hi, dad.

Hello, sport.

Eddie, there's no need to be sad.

Yes, there is.

I lost a wife, a mother and a girlfriend

all in one day.

Dad, where does the leather go

when you wear a hole on your shoe?

[Tom] That's one I've never been able to figure out.

So you see, I don't know the answer to everything.

[Eddie] That's okay, dad. I just know a lot of questions.

[Eddie] I know why fingernails grow.

- Why? - So kids can bite 'em.

- Knock knock. - Who's there?

- Yodel lady. - Yodel lady, who?

[laughs]

That's funny.

[Eddie] It was a good one. Huh, dad?

[Tom] Yeah, that was very good.

- But... - But what?

- What is a yodel lady? - Yeah.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

[scatting]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪♪

[scatting]