Original subtitles

Do fish laugh?

I don't think so.

Even if they're happy?

Even if they're happy.

What do they do if they're happy?

[Tom] I don't know.

Maybe they wag their tails.

Hmm. I wonder what makes fish happy.

Would you rather be a bird or an airplane?

Oh... I guess an airplane.

I'd rather be a bird.

Airplane's don't have mothers or feathers.

Are birds Jewish, dad?

[Tom] What do you mean Jewish?

[Eddie] If you go to Sunday school on Saturday

and have to wear a beanie.

[Tom] Then do you think birds are Jewish?

[Eddie] I never saw a bird wearing a beanie

so maybe they're Episcopalian.

♪♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

- Oh... - Hey, Norman not bad at all.

- Huh, thank you very much. - Ah.

- There she is. - Oh, she's beautiful.

Oh, the bride of tomorrow.

- Tina, the lights, please. - Oh.

Hey, I see you shot the whole thing

in front of Licorice Stick.

- Uh-huh, that's right. - Oh.

I don't see a licorice stick.

Tina, I don't believe you.

How can you not believe me when you're looking

right at me... like that?

Tina, I think what he can't believe

is that you've never heard of the Licorice Stick.

Oh, I know about licorice sticks, because, um

my neighbor Mr. Watson, that I play checkers with

he uses it when he, uh, makes his flaxseed tea.

He's...

Well, that's about all I know about licorice sticks.

Well, this Licorice Stick happens to be a discotheque.

Oh, one of those places where you go dancing

to a whole bunch of noise, huh?

Tina, would you get rid of this, please, sweetheart?

So, you've been going

to Licorice Stick every night, have you?

- Mm-hmm, every night. - Mm-hmm.

Whatever happened to Norman the intellectual?

Hey, listen, going to the Licorice Stick every night

can be an intellectual pursuit.

Oh, yes, that's right.

[chuckles]

Tina, the coffee, please.

Not till there's a red light.

- Norman? - Yes, sweetheart.

Who's that guy on the motorcycle?

[Norman] Oh, he's the groom.

And the reason he's on a motorcycle

is they're being married on the Sunset Strip.

Why in the Sunset Strip?

- Why not? - Why not?

Hey, that's a good reason.

I mean, uh...

Just, in general, good reason.

- Tina. - Hmm?

Why aren't you at your desk?

Hey, the coffee.

Hey, the coffee.

Okay, Norman, I'll tell you what I like, I think.

Uh, these two in black and white

but that one in color.

- Cropped? - Yeah.

[knock on door] Come in, please.

Mr. Tinker, have you seen... Oh, Mr. Corbett--

Martha, we were just looking at your pictures.

- And they're marvelous. - They're beautiful, sweetheart.

Thank you. They need you for the Highway Honeymoon layout.

Oh, I forgot about that. We-when does that meeting start?

Uh, ten minutes ago in your office.

Right.

Ah...

[sighs]

- Tina. - Hmm.

[sighs]

If I could figure out your filing system

I'd file you, fire you.

When you finished with your coffee

could you return to your...

Hmm?

[humming]

[whistling]

Oh, thank you, lover, sweetheart, cookie puss.

Mm, it's hot.

- Norman? - Hmm.

Who cooks your socks and darns your eggs?

I do.

That's sad.

Uh-huh. She's beautiful, look at her.

She's just absolutely beautiful.

All brides are beautiful.

Why?

I don't know, why?

Maybe it's for the same reason all babies

look like Winston Churchill.

[chuckles] Oh, Norman.

Oh, Tina.

You're a nut.

You're a nut.

Let's get married.

♪♪

♪♪

Pi-pi-pi...

Eddie, what have you there?

An empty spool of film.

It makes a neato...

Uncle Norman gave it to me.

Oh, your uncle Norman is a very nice man.

Yeah. I know.

I think what I like best of him

is that he's a free soul.

Oh, where did you hear that, "he's a free soul?"

He has it written on his sweat shirt.

♪♪

I can wear that beautiful dress...

...and I can wear my grandmother's cameo.

And I'd like to be picked up

in a carriage, please, with a horse.

I always wanted to be picked up

in a carriage with a horse.

There must be something in the coffee

I don't know about.

Will it be legal if we do it on the Sunset Strip?

Do what on the Sunset Strip?

Get married.

Tina, angel, love, if you're serious...

...we are not getting married.

Why not?

I've got a better question.

Why?

Because we're perfect for each other.

But we hardly know each other.

[giggles] Silly.

Look, Tina, we've been introduced but...

But no marriage.

- Alright, love. - I knew you'd understand.

Oh, of course, I did spring it on you kind of suddenly.

You probably need some time to think about it.

- Tina. - No.

We'll talk about it after work.

I'll meet you at the Licorice Stick.

Tina!

[humming]

♪♪

[sighs]

I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here

this afternoon.

You didn't want to feel guilty

about drinking alone so early in the day.

- Nope. - Hmm.

I don't wanna get married.

Okay, I'll give you your ring back.

Tom, be serious.

I mean, if you can't be serious

I've got other friends.

Who?

- Whom. - Oh.

Tom, I'm serious.

You be serious, please.

Both serious.

Okay.

Two fingers full of serious, please.

- Tom. - Hm.

Tina...

Hm-hm.

...has asked me to become Mr. Tinker.

Well, but you are Mr. Tinker. Yeah?

No, I mean, Tina has asked me if she could become...

...Mrs. Tinker.

Oh, well, she'll have to marry you to do that.

[chuckles] That's what we're talking about.

Wow.

- Well? - Oh, well, wow.

Could you be a little more explicit?

Yeah, yeah, well, uh, ah

I-I-I don't think it's anything

you really have to worry about, Norman, uh...

It's probably just the nesting instinct.

Seasonal in the female.

But you never should've told her, you loved her.

- I never told her that. - Mm-hmm.

- Yes, you did. - When?

You tell her that all the time.

- I do? - Oh, uh, uh...

I wouldn't use those two words at this time in your life.

Could you, could you give me an example?

[exhales] Oh, yeah, alright, um...

Alright, the negative. Remember the time you lost the negative?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Tina found them for you.

Alright, what did you say to Tina

as soon as she returned it?

What did I say?

"Tina... I adore you."

- But I never said I loved her. - Ha-ha, yeah, yeah.

But that may just be a small point that Tina's overlooking.

Do you have any other small points that Tina

may be overlooking that you could think of offhand?

[sighs] Um... you told her you couldn't live without her.

- Was I drunk? - No, you were in the dark room.

Well, that could explain it.

All she did though was bring you a bulb

to replace the burned out one.

Hey, just because a young lady brings me a bulb

to replace a bulb that's burned out

doesn't mean, that I can't live without her.

That is not the point, Norman.

The point is, you never should have told her.

She obviously took you seriously.

- Oh. - Uh-huh.

♪♪

What else?

You look at her.

I do?

Norman, those two words.

How do I look?

You look at her with your teeth.

With my teeth?

Yeah, uh, uh...

Come to Norman, cookie puss.

- Hey, wait a minute. - Huh? What?

- Wait a minute. - Hmm.

Maybe I did.

Uh, d-did what?

Maybe, I did mean them.

Oh, now, wait a minute, wait a--

- Shh, shh. Wait a minute. - What do you want?

I'm listening my vibes.

- What? - Yeah, hmm.

- Hmm. - Hmm hmm.

[sighs] What do your vibes tell you, Norman?

Telling me, that if I really said those things...

Hmm...

...that little limpid lady...

...must be right into my head.

- Mr. Tinker? - Yeah.

He's getting married?

Hmm. Well, he's threatening to.

To Tina.

- Oh. - Ah.

You know...

...if I were really a good friend

I'd try and stop it.

I'll stay out of it.

Would you like fruit?

Hmm.

Thank you.

- But he is making a mistake. - How do you know?

Well, it's one thing to take a girl into the Licorice Stick

on the spur the moment...

...but to go to the altar

requires a little more thought.

Yes.

Now, Norman's ready for a wedding

but not for a marriage.

If he's only threatening

perhaps he's like a storm.

A storm?

Yes, he might blow us over.

♪♪

I didn't know free souls got married.

[Tom] Well, I suspect that your uncle Norman is not

quite as free a soul as he'd like to be.

[Eddie] Even if he has it written on his sweatshirt?

Especially if he has it written on his sweat shirt.

This may be hard for you to believe

but I think maybe funny, nutty Uncle Norman

is often lonely Uncle Norman.

Dad, how can he be lonely with all that hair?

Can I tell Billy Gerber that Uncle Norman's getting married?

Well, he's not getting married yet, Eddie.

And I would rather that nobody knew

that we discussed it.

- It's a secret? - Mm-hmm.

[Eddie] Oh, well, I can tell Billy Gerber

I have a secret that I can't tell him.

♪♪

[Eddie] If Uncle Norman's getting married

how come he's gonna marry Ms. Rickles?

[Tom] What's the matter with Tina?

[Eddie] She's kinda silly.

She's always giggling like a girl.

[Tom] Eddie, she is a girl.

[Eddie] Is that why she giggles?

[Tom] No, I think maybe she giggles because she's worried.

[Eddie] What she worried about, dad?

[Tom] She is lonely too.

And she's worried that maybe

she'll always be lonely.

[Eddie] If I felt that way, I'd cry.

[Tom] Now then, you do understand.

Now, remember this, boy

if you keep it a secret

everything's gonna be okay.

Ms. Rickles, are you okay?

Mm-hmm, I'm tingling.

Hey, dad, look who's here and she's tingling.

- Hi, Mr. Corbett - Hello, Tina.

[laughing]

Oh, well, wha-wow, what is it?

You know, how when your arm goes to sleep...

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

And then it starts to wake up?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's how I feel

all over my whole body.

[Eddie] Dad, how come she's laughing like that?

Ahh.

- What? - Ah...

[clears throat]

[Tina laughing]

Tina, why are you laughing?

Haven't you heard the news?

I am going to be married to Norman.

Uncle Norman?

You're going to have a wedding?

Yeah.

Hey, dad, they're gonna have a wedding.

Can I be in it?

Do you know how to ride a motorcycle?

[Eddie] No.

But I can learn how.

- Tina. - Hmm.

Why does Eddie have to learn how to ride a motorcycle?

Oh, because he wants to be in the wedding.

Oh... Oh.

Well, I guess that's very clear in your head.

But why does Eddie have to learn how to ride a motorcycle?

Well, how can you have a wedding on Sunset Strip

without motorcycles?

Good evening, Ms. Rickles.

Mrs. Livingston, guess what?

I am not very good at guessing game.

Well, then I'll tell you part of it.

I'm getting married.

Oh.

I am happy for you.

Now, the part that you have to guess

is who's the groom.

Just make a wild guess.

Hmm...

Mr. Norman Tinker?

How did you know that?

Oh, from... inscrutable oriental wisdom.

Mrs. Livingston's good in inscrutable

oriental wisdom stuff.

Thank you, Eddie.

Mrs. Livingston, we couldn't have it without you.

- The wedding. - Oh.

Hey, Mrs. Livingston can't ride a motorcycle either.

Oh, that's too bad.

- You know what? - Hm?

I'll have my wedding at Big Sur

and then we'll, then we'll be able to hear the vows.

Oh, that's nice, Tina.

It's nice to hear the vows at your wedding.

- Right. - Ms. Rickles?

- Are you still tingling? - Mm-hmm, I sure am.

Mr. Corbett.

Um, since I've always thought of you as a father...

- Hm? - Uh, a father.

Ah, well, we were talking about it last night.

- Um... - We? Who's we, we?

Uh, my basic encounter group.

Your basic encounter...

Oh, is that the group where you get around

together and expose yourselves?

Yeah, and, um, Sherry...

Remember, the manicurist?

- Um, uh-huh. - Yeah, well, ah...

She was the one that brought it up.

That you're my father figure.

Hmm.

Oh, good old Sherry.

Do you want to meet her?

No. I'm your father figure.

Oh, and that's, that's why I couldn't get married

without your blessings, Mr. Corbett.

Well, that, uh...

That's very sweet, Tina.

Do I have it?

- You sure have. - Great.

Will you give away the bride? That's me.

Oh, damn, wouldn't have it in the other way.

Oh, wow.

Hey, I've gotta go tell Norman

because he's gonna meet me at the Licorice Stick

that you're gonna give us your blessings

cause he didn't think you would.

- Bye. - Bye, Ms. Rickles.

I have only one thing to say.

It's probably not gonna be a bad first marriage.

♪♪

[Eddie] Dad.

Uh-huh?

Are you awake?

Well, I think so. Come on in.

Um... anything wrong?

When uncle Norman marries Ms. Rickles

do I call her Uncle Tina?

Aunt Tina.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

- Aunt Tina. - Yeah.

Ah... anything else?

I wish we were getting married.

I wish we were too.

Dad.

Yeah.

Tell me about when you and mom decided to get married, please.

Okay, dad?

Okay, sport.

Did mom tingle?

Ah, hmm, she, she tingled. Yeah, she tingled.

Did you?

Ah, Eddie...

Did you?

Yes.

And then did you go to the Licorice Stick?

Mmm-mmm.

No, we didn't go to the Licorice Stick.

Where did you go?

Well, it, it was raining.

So we went for a walk.

Was it thundering and lightning?

Oh, yeah, it was thundering and it was lightning.

Did you keep her safe and warm?

Yes, I kept her safe and warm.

How, dad?

Well, ah...

We both got in to my rain coat.

I'm glad you did that.

Kept her safe and warm.

Me too.

Tell me more, dad.

Okay.

One of the things that we talked about

was having a little boy.

Like me?

Just exactly like you.

When you talked about it

was it dark and thundering and lightning?

No.

No, by that time it was dawn.

Was the sun shining?

Well, it was starting to.

Did you still stay together in your rain coat?

Mm-hmm, we stayed together in our raincoat.

Were you still thinking about a little boy?

Yeah, we were, uh...

We were still thinking about a little boy.

And then I was born?

Hmm.

No.

No, first, first we got married.

And then we moved into this...

...little green house.

And then you were born.

We don't have to talk anymore if we don't want to.

Okay.

Hey, Mugsy.

Yeah.

You wanna go bust the refrigerator?

- Okay. - Let's go kill it.

- Hey, dad. - Hm-hmm.

Can I be with you in your raincoat?

- I mean your bathrobe. - Hm-hmm.

Ah.

[exhales]

♪ Ya ya yaya ♪♪

What the heck is go...

Hey, listen, you can't... Norman!

You're gonna wake up everybody in the building.

Well, we wouldn't do that would we, love?

- Aren't they night people? - No, no.

Most of them, not all of them.

Where'd you get the guitar, Uncle Norman?

I got it from a friend of mine.

He's a musician at the Licorice Stick.

That's not a piece of candy, dad.

That's a discotheque.

Yeah, I know that it is. I-I know what it is.

Norman, what is all the noise goin' on--

Play, Eddie, play.

[indistinct chatter]

Norman! Tina, could you...

Eddie, would you hold it, hold the guitar.

Listen to... No... Eddie...

Uh, Nor-Norman

why the guitar, the noise, hmm?

Ah, that's to summon the tribe

for the conjugal rights.

What's a conjugal right?

Oh, it's the mumbo jumbo, the savors

when we get married, Eddie.

- You know what? I have an idea. - What?

Why don't we have somebody play the wedding march on the zither?

Oh, that's terrific, angel.

Oh, well, no, then, that means, that you

you two, uh, really haven't, uh, become officially bound yet?

Hey, Tom, would I take the biggest step

of my life without you?

Oh, w-well, I, I just saw the dress

and I thought, you know, you two had probably, um...

We were out amongst them, auditioning the outfit.

Yeah, it makes me feel beautiful.

Oh, well, in the old days, you know, uh

wearing the bridal gown and letting someone see it

till before the wedding was considered bad luck.

- We're not superstitious. - Uh-uh.

Just think of it, Tom.

I'm gonna be settled down.

Going to Licorice Stick every night with the same girl.

Is that what you're gonna do every night, Uncle Norman?

That's right, Eddie.

I guess you're not getting married

to be like my mom and dad.

What do you mean?

Well, my mom and dad didn't go

to the Licorice Stick every night.

They didn't?

Heck, no!

They went to live in this little green house.

And then they had me, right, dad?

[Tom] Yeah, that's right.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wow.

Out of the mouths of babes.

What happened? Uh, what's wrong, angel?

Eddie said it.

What'd you say?

[clears throat]

He said that when

when Helen and I got married

we didn't go to the Licorice Stick every night.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

A-a-and he said that we...

...went to live in a little green house.

And that as time and a half went by... had him.

[Eddie] Yeah.

[Tom] Hm.

Oh, wow.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Oh, Norman.

Oh, Tina.

You're a nut.

So are you.

I have a, a really super good idea.

And what's your re-really super good idea?

Let's not get married.

I accept.

I didn't say anything wrong, did I, dad?

Mm-hmm, you said something absolutely right.

Uh-huh.

Okay, right, yeah, see you there.

Oh, no, no, no, don't bring any presents.

Yeah. Okay, bye.

The Bradleys can come.

Good, now try the Coopers, please.

Yes, lovey, um...

6-2-6-4-6-9--

Tina.

Why aren't you at your desk?

Thank you, thank you, never mind, uh, never mind.

Uh, I thought you two had given up the idea

of having a wedding.

We did.

Ah-ha, ah-ha, well then, then

w-why are you having a gathering of the clan?

Just because we called off the wedding

is no reason to call off the reception.

- Huh, love. - Uh, angel.

[flute music]

♪♪

[ducks quacking]

[Eddie] Do birds chew?

[Tom] No, Eddie, they don't have any teeth.

[Eddie] They don't?

[Tom] No, they have beaks.

[Eddie] Oh.

Do they have to brush their beaks?

[ducks quacking]

[Eddie] Do they have chickens in Japan?

[Tom] Yes, Eddie.

[Eddie] What do they look like?

[Tom] Well, just like the chickens that we have here.

- God's funny. - Why, Eddie?

[Eddie] He made the chickens the same

but people different.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪