Original subtitles

[Eddie] Brave boys don't bleed very much.

Did you know that, dad?

[Tom] No, Eddie, I never knew that.

[Eddie] No matter how big they cut themselves

brave boys can hold in their blood.

Why do people fight, dad?

[Tom] Well, one person does something that

the other person doesn't like.

[Eddie] But when I do something

you don't like, we don't fight.

I'm just the one who gets punished.

[Tom] Eddie, sometimes I have to punish you

so that you'll learn, and I want you to learn

because I love you very much.

[Eddie] Do all people who love punish each other?

[Tom] Uh, Eddie, how has school been going? Hmm?

[Eddie] Yesterday, some girl kicked Billie Gerber in the chins.

[Tom] "In the chins?"

[Eddie] Yeah, you know that

front part of your legs

where it hurts so bad?

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we talking son to son ♪

♪ Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

Eddie? Eddie, you in there?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Livingston. Where's Eddie?

- Oh, he's in his room. - Ah.

No, he does not want to come out just now.

- Why not? - Eddie has a problem.

And he wants to be alone.

Uh-huh.

Well, Mrs. Livingston, do you think I might be informed

as to the nature of this psychological withdrawal?

In my country, we would say he has a small shoulder.

What?

He's embarrassed.

Oh!

Oh.

Mr. Eddie's father, the dinner is ready.

Uh, Mrs. Livingston, now, whatever Eddie's grievance is

we don't allow hunger strikes here.

- Where's Eddie's steak? - Oh, he has it.

He's eating it in his room?

No, he's holding it in his eyes.

Eddie?

Eddie?

Hmm?

Eddie, uh... what happened?

I got hit.

Well, let's see.

Do I have a black eye, dad?

No, no, not this time.

Who did it?

Joey Kelley.

What were you two fighting about?

I don't know.

Joey just came up

and socked me right smack in the eye.

And did you sock Joey right back?

- No. - Why not?

'Cause by the time I got up off the floor, Joey was gone.

Well, Eddie, come here.

Now I-I, I-I just want you to know that...

Well, these things happen, you see.

Eddie, how old was this big bully?

Two months younger than me.

Mm, mm-hmm.

One of those big, giant-sized kids, huh?

Your size?

Smaller than you?

A li-a littler kid did this to you?

Mm-hmm.

Eddie...

...are you scared of Joey?

No.

Not exactly.

But if it's okay with you, dad. I just wanna read my book.

♪♪

♪♪

You know, if I didn't have to go to school today

I could finish that comic book I was reading last night.

Hmm, well, Eddie, we don't stay home

just to read comic books.

Okay, I'll stay home and read a book

with a hard cover on it.

Eddie.

Okay.

- Hey. - Hmm?

Eddie, are you trying to stay home

because you're afraid that Joey's gonna hit you

at school again today?

Heck, no!

You sure?

What if I don't duck in time

do you have some beef steak left over?

Oh, I have some.

Well, you better save two pieces

in case I get socked in both eyes.

Hey, sport, gonna be late for school.

Okay, well, bye, dad. Bye, Mrs. Livingston.

[Mrs. Livingston] Goodbye, Eddie.

You know, I'm really concerned about this Joey incident.

Oh, it will pass.

Children have been quarrelling

ever since there have been children.

Yeah, but...

Eddie hasn't been quarrelling ever since

there've been children.

Not even quarrelling ever since there's been a Joey.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

This too shall pass! Bye-bye, Mrs. Livingston.

Have a nice day, Mr. Eddie's father.

- You too. - Oh.

Uh, if Eddie has another fight

I think you should report that Joey

to the principal as a bully.

- Bully? - Woolly. Didn't I say that?

- No, you said bully. - Oh, no, woolly.

I mean, I meant to say woolly, as in woolly as, uh...

...as in frightened, timid sheep.

Mr. Corbett, do you wanna talk about it?

The Leedon copy?

- No, your anxiety. - Huh?

As my friend Sherry would say, "You're projecting."

Your friend Sherry is a psychiatrist?

[giggles] No, she's a m-manicurist.

Oh, well, when my nails get emotionally upset

I'll take them right in to her.

You don't have to. I joined the group too.

You're gonna be a manicurist?

No, I'm going to learn how to encounter.

You know, it's like, um, group therapy.

We get together and we tell each other our problems.

You tell me yours and I'll help you.

[chuckles] Okay.

Well, it, uh, it seems that there is this bully

whose thing seems to be pounding on Eddie.

And not only, it's been going on for quite a while

and I just found out about it.

You know what? He might be one of those kids.

One of what kids?

With an abnormal need for punishment.

There was this Yugoslavian film about it.

It was tragic but very groovy.

Well, you better get back to your typewriter, Tina.

You've been a great help.

Listen, anytime.

I mean, what's the point of keeping up

if you can't spread it around?

Tina, they threw the mold away

and then they made you.

Why don't you just teach him how to defend himself?

♪♪

Eddie!

Hi, dad. What's that?

Well, I got us some boxing gloves.

How come you got us presents?

It's not even anyone's birthday.

Well, it isn't exactly a-a present, Eddie.

I just got these so that you wouldn't be scared of Joey.

I'm not exactly scared.

Uh, yeah, well, you don't, you don't have to talk about it.

Now, you see, I got a pair for me too.

- Yeah. - Alright.

I wanna do you the greatest favor

of your entire life.

I'm gonna teach you the fine art

of self-defense. Okay.

Now the first thing you have to learn, you see

is how to block a punch. So...

You go ahead. I-I want you to try, try and hit me.

Okay? Okay, here we go.

Hup, okay, hup.

Atta boy, atta boy, that's it, that's it!

- Hey, dad, I couldn't hit you. - Yeah, I know. Keep trying.

Come on, come on, come on. Atta boy, atta boy.

[grunts]

Hey, dad, that's neat-o. You win.

No, no. I, uh, I didn't win anything, Eddie.

That's not the point.

You see, the point is

I defended myself.

- That's the point. - Oh.

Yeah, okay, alright, now, you put up your guard

and I'll try and sock you, okay?

Okay.

- That's your guard? - Yep.

Okay, are you ready, now?

You really ready?

- That wasn't very good, was it? - No, it wasn't.

Your hands were too low. Your hands weren't high enough.

Get the hands up higher. Up in front.

Okay, that's it. Now, try and block the punch.

Okay? Here it comes. Okay, it's a left.

And it's a right and it's a left. That's the way to go.

That's a boy! That's a... Well, it's not good enough.

But it's better. Now you watch mydefense.

Okay? And then you try and sock me.

Go, that's it, come on. Atta boy. Come on.

- Mr. Eddie's father? - Hmm.

Eddie! That's a great punch.

Guess it's cause you let your guard down, dad.

Yeah. Well, wha-what-whatever the reason.

The next time you run into Joey.

I'm telling you one thing, you won't have to worry.

I won't worry, dad.

I'll just duck into the boys room.

Yeah!

Hmm?

I don't understand it.

What could be so frightening

about a kid the same age and smaller?

Listen, peer group rivalry is heavy stuff.

I know.

Remember my basic encounter group?

Howcould I forget it?

Well, they were just talking about it last night

and they said like, "Wow."

- That was your conclusion? - Hmm.

- You're right, that's heavy. - Right.

And there's only one constructive

course of action that a parent can take.

According to your basic encounter group?

Right.

- Whatever is it, Tina? - Butt out.

Must be a very short class.

[phone rings]

Yes?

Yes, speaking.

What?

He lost a tooth?

At the nurses', right.

I-I'll, well, I'll be right there. Thank you.

Listen, Mr. Corbett, don't overreact.

"Don't overreact?"

This peer group rivalry is turning

into a massacre!

Eddie, you alright?

We're feeling much better now.

Thank you, Mr. Corbett.

Did Joey sock you too?

I'm Mrs. Stuart, the school nurse. How do you do?

Oh, I didn't recognize you without your uniform.

Well, we don't wear a uniform because

we don't like to frighten the children.

Ah, oh, oh, yes.

Uh, Eddie, uh, let's-let's see that tooth.

It was only our bottom one

and we think it was loose anyway.

Do you still have your baby teeth too?

A-ha, later, sport.

Since you seem to have things in control here

I've got some papers I want you to sign.

- Alright. Mm-hmm. - Excuse me.

Alright, let's see where that tooth was.

Uh-huh.

If you lost your dumb old tooth

I suppose your gonna blame it all on me!

Well, that's how much you know, Eddie Corbett.

Ow!

Joey?

- Dad? - Huh?

Remember you told me

never to hit a girl?

I know.

Well, she may hit like a guy

but she's a girl.

Uh-huh. Yes, yes. Well, I-I-I can see that.

Uh, Joey?

Why do you go around socking Eddie?

I don't know.

Well-well, Joey, um, I'm sure that your mother

wouldn't think it's such a good idea.

I don't have a mother.

Oh, well, uh, then the

you know, the lady that takes care of you.

I don't have a lady, pa and me don't need one.

Look, I've even got my own house key.

What's so swell about that?

- Ow! - N-now, look, Joey...

Okay, tiger, you brought me back to school

just once too often.

Hi, pops.

[sigh] You know, I just lost $12.50

of my time talking to a principal?

Now come on, Joey. Knock it off.

Okay, okay!

Look, mister, I'm sorry if she hurt your kid, I...

Oh, no, that's, uh, it was just a baby tooth.

And the black eye she gave me never got black.

Well, I'm telling you, kid, I'm fed up with this stuff.

We've had to move three times since her mama died.

Neighbors complaining about Joey.

Don't get mad at me, pops.

Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

As long as nobody's hurt.

Now look, I got a call across town

so, I'll see you back at the house, okay?

Okay.

Isn't this something? Guys with this kinda problem.

Uh, look, I-I'm not quite sure

that, uh, everything has been said yet.

Oh, yeah, I hear it now that you mention it.

Oh, right, right.

Look, uh, kid, uh

if she hits you again, do me a favor, will ya?

Belt her back.

[school bell rings]

Um, Joey, uh, how do you get home from school?

- Walk. - Uh-huh.

Well, look, uh, why don't you let us

give you a ride home? Hey, better yet.

How would you like to come over to our house

for a little milk and cookies?

- Go back to your house? - Mm-hmm.

- With Eddie? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'll get my things.

Gee, dad.

What'd you have to do that for?

It's not so bad getting socked at school.

But getting socked in your own house?

Wow.

Uh, Mrs. Livingston, you had better throw a little more

cookie mix in the fire, we have a guest.

- Oh, that is nice. Who? - Joey Kelly.

Oh, that boy who beat up Eddie?

Mm-hmm. Life is full of surprises, come here.

Wanna box?

Nah, that's not for girls.

Oh, yeah?

That is...

Yeah, yeah.

[Eddie screams] Why does she keep hitting Eddie?

Because she... likes him.

- Likeshim? - Mm-hmm.

[clears throat]

I do not understand.

Well, it's just that she has her own way

of showing things. I think she learnt it from her father.

- She has no mother. - Oh, I'm sorry.

[Eddie grunts]

- Ow! - Her father is not a nice man?

Oh, no, no. Her father's a very nice man.

I just think he's a little rough around the edges, that's all.

Oh, I see.

Quit that, enough!

- Mrs. Livingston... - Help!

You... are very smooth around the edges.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Eddie's father.

I'll just bet that little tomboy could, uh

could learn something from you.

- Quit it! - Mm.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! T-take it easy now,

J-Joey. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

I just spoke to your father and he said you could

stay for dinner and he'll pick you up later, okay?

Sure. Let's box now.

- Come with me, please. - What for?

To help me make dinner for the men.

Why don't they make it for themselves?

Because we women are here to do it for them

and tonight, we will dine Japanese style.

Huh?

Come, I will show you.

♪♪

Hey, where is our place?

Oh, we will have our dinner when the gentlemen are finished.

Who says?

That is the Japanese style.

Oh? I'm glad I'm not Japanese.

If you try, I think you will find joy in serving the men.

- Dozo. - Well, thank you.

Joey?

Sure is a dumb custom.

I think it's neat.

Here.

Joey, to be a woman is an art.

You sure talk funny, you know it?

- Funny? - Yeah.

Kinda fancy and quiet.

Like you're always in Sunday school.

Oh?

♪♪

♪♪

May I serve you, Mr. Eddie?

Okay.

♪♪

You can take my plate now.

I'm finished.

♪♪

Bring me some cake, please.

♪♪

Pour me some tea, please.

Your arm's not broken. Pour it yourself!

You're the woman, you're suppose to give it to me!

Alright, here it is.

I'm doing this 'cause your dad told me to.

Eddie, no...

[Joey crying]

Joey, are you okay?

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Well, you did, you hurt me a lot!

I'm sorry, come on, let's go put some steak on it.

Will it hurt?

Heck no.

Come on.

Alright, if you say so, Eddie.

Okay.

♪♪

Steak...

[sighs]

And thus it ever was.

That's a pretty one.

You know what, I just figured out what to name it.

Joey!

Honest?

Honest.

Oh, Mr. Kelly, would you come in please?

- Hi, hi. - Hello.

I'd like to introduce Mrs. Livingston.

This is Joey's father, Mr. Kelly.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

It's awful quiet, uh, was there any trouble?

No, no, nothing to speak of.

Oh, you have a very sweet little girl, Mr. Kelly.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh.

Sweet? Joey?

The same Joey that slugged your kid in the teeth?

Mm-hmm, come on.

[Mr. Kelly] Joey?

Daddy, hi!

Hi, baby.

Daddy, we had the best time.

Daddy, is it?

- You know what? - What?

I served Eddie his dinner

and Mrs. Livingston and I ate later.

Like ladies do in Japan.

Well, no kidding.

Well, come on, we better go, huh.

Come on.

Goodnight, Mrs. Livingston.

Oyasumi nasai.

Oyasumi nasai.

[chuckles] Good.

[Joey] Goodnight, Mr. Eddie's father.

Goodnight, Joey.

'Night, Eddie.

'Night, Joey.

Hey, thanks, folks. Thanks for everything.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

See you in school tomorrow, Eddie.

Okay.

Joanna Margaret Jacqueline Kelly

you're getting to be just like your mother was.

[sighs] You said, goodnight

now let's go, come on.

Bye, Eddie.

[Eddie] Bye, Joey.

You know what?

You're startin' to look like her too.

Hm.

Joanna Margaret Jacqueline Kelly.

Yeah, no wonder she went around hittin' people.

♪ Best friend ♪

♪ B-e-e-st friend ♪♪

[laughing] Okay.

Okay, Pam, I'll pick him up about 8 o'clock.

Oh, alright, love, you too.

Okay, bye-bye.

♪♪

Eddie.

Oh, boy. You really got a black one this time.

[clicks tongue] Oh.

Come here.

Now, Eddie.

I thought you told me that you and Joey

were getting along just fine.

Joey didn't sock me.

I don't understand.

She never socks me anymore.

Ever since she ate dinner here

she's been acting so dumb and mushy.

Oh, well, since you like her

that shouldn't make any difference to you.

That's how I got socked.

But I thought you said, "It wasn't Joey."

It wasn't.

She just wouldn't leave me alone, so I told her

to leave me alone and quit bothering me.

Then she started that dopey crying.

Oh, and?

And then Johnny Mitchannely came up

and busted me one for making her cry.

Why'd he do that?

Ah, well...

Eddie...

It's like I have always said.

Love is a very tricky business.

Very tricky.

♪♪

[Eddie] Dad, will I ever be as old as you?

[Tom] Sure, Eddie.

[Eddie] How old will you be, dad?

[Tom] Much older.

[Eddie] Gee, could you stop and wait

for me to catch up?

Is Tom your full name, dad?

[Tom] No, my full name is Thomas.

[Eddie] And the full name of dad is father?

[Tom] You might say that.

[Eddie] Full names aren't

very friendly

are they, dad?

Dad, who do I look like?

[Tom] You look just like your mother.

[Eddie] You mean, she was a small little boy?

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪