Original subtitles

[Eddie] Who makes rain?

- God. - Good!

[Eddie sniffs]

Eddie, are you catching a cold?

No, I just want to sniff in the rain.

[Eddie sniffs]

[Eddie] Rain makes things grow tall.

[Tom] Right, Eddie. Makes the trees grow tall.

Flowers grow tall.

The grass grow tall.

[Eddie sniffs] All I get is short.

Eddie, look at this! It's a lover's roost.

- For birds? - No, no, for people.

- Where do the birds make love? - Over there, on the tree.

Are they making love now?

[Tom] No, no, Eddie. Not when it's raining.

[Eddie] Oh, gee!

Don't worry, swanny, it's not going to rain forever.

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

Norman? Norman, what's this?

Oh, those are computer mating machines, Mr. Corbett.

Oh, they're mating computers now, huh?

[chuckles] No. Mr. Tinker is doing an article on computer mating.

Hm.

Who are the people?

Happily mated couples.

Oh, now, come on, Norman!

I mean, you don't really believe

that computer mating really works?

I'm just doing an article, pal.

If you want answers, you go to an answer machine.

- A what? - An answer machine.

They're great. You ought to get one for little Eddie.

"Why is the sky blue?," he asks.

You write it down in a little piece of paper

put it in the machine, out comes the answer.

Because...

- Because why? - That's another question.

Ah! Oh!

Well, frankly, Norman, these-these pictures

aren't very interesting.

What's interesting about computerized couples?

Yeah, all they do is hold hands and grin a lot.

Hmm. Well, I hope your article has some life.

It will, when you fill out this questionnaire.

Hmm?

Come on, Norman, you don't really expect me

to fill out this questionnaire.

Mm-hmm. You're my piece de resistance.

I won't do it.

You're the lead of my article.

How I filled out my questionnaire

punched my button, stuck in my card

and out came love.

- I won't do it. - Yes, you will.

I promised our newspapers.

Tom Corbett, the managing editor of tomorrow

the "Today Magazine"

bravely submits to mechanizing his libido.

You're perfect, you're Americana

apple pie, white collar, frayed cuffs, you're it.

Yeah, I think it'd be a terrific article.

- Sensational. - Sensational.

Uh, well, I-I guess, I guess it could be an interesting

uh, article I suppose.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay, Norman, I'll fill out the questionnaire

but you will explain to the person

to whom I become computerized

that this whole thing is purely academic.

That we're just doing an article.

Tom, you have an open mind.

Yeah, you always say that when you see

the hole in my head.

How about that?

[chuckles]

Tina, why aren't you at your desk?

♪♪

♪♪

[sneezing]

Oh, you're catching cold, Mr. Eddie's father.

No, I-I don't think so, Mrs. Livingston

I just have a little tickle in my nose.

I think tickle in your nose is you're catching cold.

Oh, well, I don't think so. How-how-how's Eddie?

Well, he's fine. He's asleep.

Oh, good, I...

[sneezing]

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Livingston.

[sniffs] Look...

Is there any kind of a Japanese cold remedy that you use?

Yes, we do. We have very good Japanese cold remedy.

It's in a peeled orange skin with honey.

Good! Could you...

Could you go fix some of that for me right now?

Well, you use dry orange peeled skin.

It will take two days to prepare.

- Oh. - I'm sorry.

If you could have told me two days ago

you are going to have a cold...

Even Japanese people who have cold have to wait.

Well, that's life.

- Goodnight, Mr. Eddie's father. - Goodnight.

I hope you take good care of your cold.

Thank you, Mrs. Livingston.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

♪ Too doo doo doo ♪

♪ Too doo doo doo ♪

♪ Too doo doo doo ♪

[Tom] "What computer mating did for thousands

"of happily mated couples can be done for you.

"You're lonely no longer.

Remember our slogan."

♪ Have I got a girl for you ♪

♪ Bless you ♪♪

- Anybody home? - Dad.

Oh, Mr. Eddie's father, you're home early.

Well, it's, it's this cold, Mrs. Livingston. Hello, sport.

I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait

one more day for orange peel.

Oh, Mr. Norman Tinker called.

He says for you to call him immediately.

He says it is important.

He said, "Have I got a girl for you."

Oh, oh! Oh, yes, well, that's gonna have to wait.

[sniffs] I'll get around to that

as soon as I recover, if I ever do recover.

[sneezing]

Bless you.

Thank you. I think I better get to bed.

Maybe you should call Uncle Norman first, dad.

If he has a girl for you, it's usually different

than the kind of girls I find for you.

Well, this is a machine girl, Eddie.

What?

Well, we're doing an article at the magazine

about how couples are mated by machine.

- You get a girl from a machine? - That's what they say.

Wow! Like, you put a nickel in a machine

instead of chewing gum out comes a girl?

Uh, well, no, no, Eddie. I'll go change my clothes.

[sniffs] And then I'll try and explain it to you.

Mrs. Livingston, can a girl come from a machine?

♪♪

[Tom] Mating people by a machine is a new science, Eddie.

And the way it works is they ask you a lot of questions

and then they take your answers

and they put them into a machine, and then...

Thank you, Mrs. Livingston.

- It's very hot. - Thank you.

Then, the machine narrows it down to two people

that it feels are right for each other.

You mean, you're gonna find me my next mom in a machine?

No, no, Eddie. I'm just gonna write a story.

We have something like this in my country.

Well, how could you, Mrs. Livingston?

It's a new science.

Yes and no. It is not a machine.

We call it omiai.

Omiai. That means arranged meeting.

The parents, they decide for young couple to meet.

What if they don't like each other?

That is not important.

Marriage, in my country, were not made of romance.

Oh, gee.

Wakari masta?

Dad, is Uncle Norman very smart?

Yes. Yes, he is, Eddie.

Then he wouldn't let you get machined up with the wrong lady

would he?

Why would a lady let herself be a machine?

Well, Eddie, we, uh, we live in a very fast and growing times.

The more we have to do

the less time we have to do what we have to do.

You're getting to sound just like Uncle Norman.

Well, thank you. I said he was smart.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

[Mrs. Livingston] Oh, hello, Mr. Tinker.

[Eddie] Hi, Uncle Norman. Wow!

[Norman] Hi, Eddie, Mrs. Livingston. Where's Tom?

Tom? Oh, Tom. Oh, Tom!

- Oh, you look awful! - Oh.

You ought to try some dried orange peels.

- Norman! - Listen, get on your feet.

She's here.

- Who's here? - 4-6-7-9-3-4.

- Huh? - That's her card number.

Well, I got a girl for you.

Oh, Norman, no! You didn't bring her here!

- Mm-hmm. - Not today!

Put on your best dress sneakers, baby.

- Then Cupid-- - Oh, no, but I, I, really...

- Come on! - But, Norman...

- Norman, I look awful! - Mmm.

♪♪

[sniffs]

Tom.

Tom Corbett.

You're perfect.

You're everything I've ever dreamed you'd be.

Physically.

And inside... well...

The program.

♪♪

I know you must feel strange.

How do you think I feel?

I work at the computer mating office.

I'm one of their key employees.

I've had my card in Iggy for over three years.

[giggles] That's our computer, IGF 470. We call him Iggy.

It's an incredible machine, Mr. Corbett.

Tom.

Its memory bank is capable of retaining

up to ten million pieces of information.

It boggles the mind, Miss Kirby.

[Diane] Can you believe? Ten million!

Gosh.

♪♪

Eddie...

...I want you to call me Diane.

I know I can never ever take the place of your mommy

but I know we can be great friends.

[Diane] Ooh! Look at all those freckles!

[laughs]

[laughing]

Oh, you love, I have always

wanted a little boy just like you.

Miss Kirby, I put grocery in the kitchen.

Groceries?

Oh, Mr. Tinker said you were little bit under the weather

and I didn't think you had anyone to shop for you.

[whispers] I like her.

Mrs. Livingston, you and I are going to get along famously

but you must promise me one thing right now

that you will stay on with us after Tom and I are married.

♪♪

Well, the candle burns!

Uh, Miss Kirby... Diane.

I, uh, think we'd better have a talk.

Oh, of course, darling!

♪ Don't forget your son is in the next room ♪♪

On second thought, uh...

Oh, oh, right now.

Oh, what a cute kitchen!

Thank you. Now, Miss Kirby, I--

And workable. I can see that right off. Wonderful...

Yes, i-i-it is, now if you don't mind--

I stopped by the market to get some things

to make a vegetable soup.

You know, with your cold, you need lots and lots

and lots of fluids.

- I don't like vegetable soup. - What?

I said I don't like vegetable soup.

Oh, of course you do, Tom, dear. The computer says you do.

There was nothing in my questionnaire

that said anything about vegetable soup.

- Specifically no. - Uh-huh!

But the IGF 470 is more concerned

about the way you answer questions

than the questions themselves.

It projects and interprets the character indicators

which builds a personality profile.

This whole thing is ridiculous!

Well, would you like a cup of hot chocolate?

I hate hot chocolate!

Didn't Norman, Mr. Tinker, didn't he explain to you?

This whole thing is an experiment.

We are doing a dry run.

Now, it happens that I am an editor of a magazine

and I'm trying to write an article.

Of course, but you can't deny Iggy. The fact is--

Miss Kirby, all I want to do is talk.

- About what? - Us.

- Oh. - No, me!

Now, you can't be serious about

this my-card-your-card nonsense.

It's not nonsense, and of course I'm serious.

- Well, I'm not! - Tom! This isn't mysticism!

This is science, and the cold hard

objective fact is that...

Oh, Eddie!

Hello there, my little freckle-faced man!

Aren't you supposed to be in bed?

Well, then, Tom, youput Eddie in bed

while I get the vegetable soup started.

Vegetable soup? Boy, that's one of my favorite things.

- Is it, now? - Now, come on now, b-bedtime.

Mrs. Livingston, do you have a large pot

that I can cook these in?

Yes.

♪♪

Dad, I like her.

I just met her like you did

but I really like her.

- I really do. - Hmm.

[sniffs] Well, it's getting late, sport.

You, uh, you go to bed, okay?

Those Iggys really know their business.

[telephone ringing]

Hello, Mrs. Gerber, this is Eddie Corbett.

Can I speak to Billy?

[Eddie] Oh, it is you Billy!

These house-to-house phones

are sure terrific.

Hey, guess what just happened.

My dad has a new prospectus mother.

Yeah, it's terrific.

Wait until you hear how we got her.

From a machine.

I'm telling you the truth, Billy Gerber.

He got her out of a machine.

No, she's not a toy.

She's a real skin, full sized lady.

My Uncle Norman got her for us.

And he's very smart.

It seems she's been in this machine Iggy

for over three years.

Yeah, I gotta go to bed too, Billy. Bye.

Call you tomorrow.

♪♪

Goodnight, Gold bottom. Goodnight, Fingle hopper.

Goodnight, Chet. Goodnight, David.

Tomorrow morning, when you get up

I'll tell you all about our new machine lady.

She's going to move in here and get married

and make vegetable soup.

I like her.

You don't like her, do you?

Well, of course I like her

but the whole thing is ridiculous.

Computer romance?

You don't like her vegetable soup.

I don't like anybody's vegetable soup!

A computer says you do.

Oh.

It was easier when you decided to marry

Mrs. Eddie's mother, wasn't it?

It wasn't like omiai.

All you had to know was what was in your heart.

♪♪

- Goodnight, Miss Kirby. - Goodnight, Mrs. Livingston.

Goodnight, Mrs. Livingston.

Goodnight, Mr. Eddie's father.

And thank you for this.

Miss Kirby's recipe for vegetable soup.

[Mrs. Livingston] Goodnight.

Well, I better go too. Eddie's asleep.

You go to bed and get some rest.

I think your cold is getting worse.

You know, you've been growing paler and paler all evening.

Diane... you made a big hit with Eddie.

Did I? There's nothing I'd like better in the world.

You know, I, uh...

I was thinking that, uh...

Yes?

Tomorrow is Saturday.

Yes.

Well, what I-I meant was, uh, I thought maybe

if you're free, uh, Eddie, and you, and I

might all go somewhere tomorrow, and later the two of us

you and I, well, we might go out to dinner

and, uh, talk, you know.

Absolutely not.

You're gonna stay in bed and rest tomorrow.

And to be sure that you rest, I'm coming over in the morning

to take Eddie out for the day.

Oh, no, I couldn't let you do a thing.

Uh-uh! It's all settled. No argument.

Well, alright if, if you insist.

- Goodnight, Diane. - Goodnight, Tom dear.

The IGF 470 was right. You areshy with girls.

Shy?

Oh! No, I just don't want to give you my cold.

Well, here then.

Remember, Tom darling

the longest journey starts with one small step.

♪♪

♪ So does the last mile ♪♪

So does the last mile.

[Diane] Now, darling, I want you to stay under there

for at least another hour.

[Eddie] What are we gonna do first, Diane?

I have a surprise for you

that I think you're going to like.

What?

How would you like to go to my office

and see how a real computer works?

You mean the IGF 470?

[Eddie] I'm glad you and dad found each other, Diane.

I am too, honey. Science is a beautiful thing.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

- Mr. Eddie's father. - What?

What? Mrs. Livingston. What are you doing here today?

I come to take care of Eddie because you have cold.

I just saw Miss Kirby with Eddie.

- I thought-- - I know, I know.

I know, you thought after last night

I would tell Miss Kirby to take her IGF 470 and...

Well, so did I, but I've changed my mind.

Why?

Well, Eddie seems to like her very much.

- You can see that for yourself. - Yes.

Well, she's just wild about him.

Yes.

Well... well, I just thought that

maybe after Miss Kirby and I get to know each other

a little bit, we might find that we're...

...computable.

Well, now, you have to admit she's a warm, attractive

intelligent woman. Well, what more do you want?

Perhaps, Miss Kirby is just the young lady

you were looking for.

Mrs. Livingston...

...I know, here...

...that Miss Kirby is not

nor will she ever be the girl for me.

No, not for you. For Eddie.

Eddie?

Maybe you fooled yourself

when you answered the questions of computer.

Maybe deep down you're thinking of mother for Eddie

not wife for yourself.

Oh, but that's ridiculous.

I have watched for long time

you never do anything without thinking

"Is this good for Eddie?"

A mother for Eddie?

Subconsciously, I was...

...trying to find a mother for Eddie?

Well, that's why Diane thinks I like vegetable soup

and hot chocolate.

Why she thinks I'm shy around girls.

Mrs. Livingston, you're right!

You are absolutely right!

But how am I gonna explain that to Eddie?

Oh, he will understand.

But... will he believe it?

You're not gonna believe it, Billy Gerber

but I saw the machine!

I just came home from it.

It's big and silvery and it makes funny noises

and it hands out cards.

Yeah.

The card belongs to single girls

and then they call up the girl

whose name is on the card.

And then they tell her she's gonna get married

and she yells, "Yippee!"

Well, if you don't believe me, I'll get Diane to tell you.

Hey, she's right outside talking to my father.

Well, just for demonstration purposes

he filled out one of the questionnaires.

Eddie?

And then we fed the answers into the computer.

You mean to tell me you match up

six-year-old boys and girls too?

Of course not! That's just the point.

Eddie wasn't supposed to be matched up with anybody.

Well, I put on the card all the things

I do like and don't like.

Like, I like Mrs. Livingston, and I like you

and I like my goldfish.

And I don't like going to bed and washing my ears

and old ladies who pinch me in restaurants.

Then Iggy made a lot of noises

and you know who I was matched up with?

Me.

You?

You can imagine how I felt

when Eddie's card was matched up with mine.

- Dimly. - And then I began to think.

I'm sure I'm not getting married.

Diane said to the machine

she said, "How could this happen?"

Well, naturally, my first thought was

that there had to be something wrong with the computer.

But there wasn't?

And that's when I knew that what was wrong was with me.

Well, then, Diane started to cry a little bit.

I just think she loves that machine

and something went wrong with it.

When I filled out the questionnaire

I was projecting into my answers

a very strong desire to be... a mother.

She'd make a terrific mother, Billy

but my dad has to like her too.

Well, I'm not sure how he feels about her.

He's had this cold ever since he's met her.

It computes.

- It does? - Mmm-hmm.

How?

Diane...

...I made the same mistake

when I answered my questionnaire.

You wanted to be a mother too?

He's greatest, my dad is.

Whatever he thinks is right, I'm sure it's gonna happen.

Then we were both wrong, and the IGF computer

was absolutely right.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, thank heaven!

For a moment there, I was petrified.

I mean, if you can't believe in a computer

what can you believe in?

Yeah. That's right.

And you do understand how this whole thing happened, Eddie?

Sure, but can we still be friends with Diane?

Yes, we can, but only friends, okay?

I understand.

Even the nicest lady in the world

does not compute with the nicest man.

Yes, you're right, Eddie.

Now that's a soup that I understand!

Mrs. Livingston, what is this?

In Japanese we call it yasai supu?

Oh, what's that in English?

Vegetable soup!

[bird squawking]

[Eddie] Why is he laughing?

- He's happy. - In a cage?

[Tom] Well, to a bird, it's not a cage.

- It's his home. - Why is that one all alone?

Well, Eddie, some birds don't get along with other birds.

[Eddie] Oh, you mean they don't compute.

Can I ask you a very important question?

[Tom] Sure, Eddie.

[Eddie] Don't your feet ever get tired?

[Tom] Uh-huh.

- What's that? - It's a peacock.

Spreading its feathers, looking for another peacock.

[Eddie] That's what you ought to do, dad. Spread out your feathers.

[Tom] Eddie, look at that!

- What is it? - A bald eagle.

[Eddie] Oh, gee.

[Eddie] Why don't we take a rest, dad?

- You tired? - No.

But it's about time I asked you.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪