Original subtitles

[Eddie] I don't understand sex, dad.

[Tom] What do you mean, Eddie?

[Eddie] Well, what's it all about?

I mean, a man and a woman.

[Tom] Well, I really can't answer that, Eddie.

[Eddie] Good. At least I'm not all alone.

[frog croaking]

[Eddie] I bet you, frogs have lots of brothers.

[Tom] Uh, Eddie, do you want a brother?

[Eddie] Well, now that you ask...

[Tom] Well, you understand, of course, that first

I have to get married again.

[Eddie] Oh, then forget about it, dad.

I was figuring on tomorrow.

["Best friend" by Nilsson]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talkin' son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

Mrs. Livingston, it's your turn.

[Mrs. Livingston] Alright.

Ten.

I move ten places.

[speaking Japanese]

No, Mrs. Livingston, I'm sorry.

I don't move ten places?

- No. - Why?

You had eight. You moved eight places.

I had ten, I moved ten places.

But you rolled a double.

When you roll a double

you have to move backwards.

I do not understand.

When you play, you go forward

when I play, I go back.

But that's the rules, Mrs. Livingston.

- Hi. - Hi, dad.

- Hello, Mr. Eddie's father. - Mrs. Livingston.

We're playing Roll 'Em, and I'm winning.

Oh, watch out for him, Mrs. Livingston, he cheats.

Did he pull that, uh, that double thing on you?

But, dad, it's a rule.

Why don't you tell her where that rule came from?

Well, me and Billy Gerber made it up.

But it's still a rule.

I will make dinner now

and before we play any more games

I will read the rules.

Good thinking.

What'd you have to tell her for, dad?

How did work go today?

Fine. How did school go today?

Pretty good. Karen Hurshen threw up.

Well, I hope she's not very sick.

Unh-unh. She was just showing the class

how, how she could spin around a hundred times

without getting dizzy.

And?

And she only got to 23.

Ah, what's this? It has no stamp.

It's a note from my teacher. I brang it home.

Eddie, are you in trouble at school?

No.

"Dear Mr. Corbett, if possible I would like to meet with you

"at your earliest convenience to discuss Eddie.

Signed, Miss Allen."

Miss Allen wants to discuss me.

Alright, Eddie, now think hard.

You're sure you've done nothing to get in trouble at school?

No. Unless it's about last Tuesday.

Uh-huh.

Okay, tell me about last Tuesday.

Well, it rained, and we couldn't go out for recess.

And Miss Allen asked us

if we wanted to play games in the room.

- And? - And I suggested a game.

What game did you suggest?

Doctor!

Doctor?

That's just what Miss Allen said.

Oh, well, I think I know now why Miss Allen would like to see me.

[sighs] Uh, Eddie...

When... when you play Doctor

how do you play Doctor?

Well, sometimes, somebody comes in to the doctor

- and says, "I'm sick." - Uh-huh.

And the doctor says, "Stay in bed

and drink lots of fluids."

And other times?

Other times, somebody comes in to the doctor

and says, "I'm sick."

And the doctor says, "I'm sorry

today is Wednesday, come back tomorrow."

♪♪

♪ When we were young ♪

♪ Tu ru ru ru ♪

♪ Tu ru ru ru ♪

♪ When we were young ♪

♪ Tu ♪♪

♪♪

May I help you?

[gasps] Oh, oh.

Uh, excuse me, I'm, I'm, I'm Mr. Corbett. Eddie's father.

Well, I'm Miss Allen. Eddie's teacher.

Um, I'd offer you a chair, but obviously--

No, no, I think I'd really be better off standing.

- Is, is something the matter? - Mm-mm.

No, no, I was, uh, I was just thinking about Miss Grady.

- Miss Grady? - Yes.

She was my first grade teacher.

- Oh. - She was eighty years old.

- Oh. - You're not eighty years old.

- No. - No.

Well, what I wanted to talk to you about was Eddie.

Oh, yes, well, if it's about last Tuesday, uh--

- Last Tuesday? - Yes, well.

Eddie told me about the, uh...

the Doctor thing.

But I had a long talk with him, and, uh...

Well, it seems that his version of Doctor

is considerably different than the version

I played when I was a boy.

- What was your version? - Oh.

Well, it was different, it really was.

Well, what we're here to talk about is Eddie.

Yeah. Well, he's, uh, not in any trouble, is he?

No. As a matter of fact, he's one of my better pupils.

And that's what I wanted to see you about.

- Oh. - Yes, he's very bright.

- I'm glad. - Yes, well...

But as you know, that can sometimes be a problem.

I don't want him to become bored in school

and so I was thinking of assigning him

a few extra projects.

You know, something to keep him, stimulated.

Well, I'm sure you'll have no trouble keeping him stimulated.

I mean, I think it's a very good idea.

Well, I like to talk to the parents first.

It's important to get their cooperation.

Well, you'll get my full cooperation.

Fine. I'm, uh, happy to hear that.

And I'm glad to hear that

you're so interested in Eddie.

Well...

I guess that's all I have to say, Mr. Corbett.

Oh, well, I, uh...

I guess I can go then.

- Miss Allen... - Yes?

I'm glad you're not eighty years old.

Well, thank you, I guess.

- Oh, Mr. Corbett. - Yes?

Um...

You don't look a thing like your picture.

Oh. Well, thank you, I guess.

- Miss Allen? - Yes?

You're not married, are you?

No, that's why they call me Miss Allen.

Of course it is. Well, you know what?

This might be a, a strange place for it...

a classroom and all, but I was wondering if you'd like

to have dinner with me sometime.

Uh, to discuss Eddie?

No. No, to discuss other problems.

Things like, uh, why you're called Miss Allen

and I'm called Mr. Corbett, and neither of us

seems to have a first name.

- My name is Kerry. - Kerry.

Yes, like the county in Ireland.

- Oh. My name is Tom. - Tom.

Yes, like in... peeping.

Oh, I'm sorry I said that.

Well, I didn't mean to get you to confess.

Well, what about it? We can have dinner together?

I'd like to, but I'll have to think about it.

I don't know what the PTA would have to say.

The PTA?

Well, as I recall, that stands for

Parent Teacher's Association.

So, if you don't associate with me at dinner

I'm gonna tell them you're not holding up your end

of the bargain.

Mrs. Livingston, does the fork go on the left or the right?

On the left.

I always get it mixed up.

[telephone rings]

- Eddie? - I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, just a minute, please. Dad, it's for you.

It's Miss Allen, my teacher.

Hmm.

Don't you have something to do, like helping Mrs. Livingston

in the kitchen or something?

Hi!

Of course, I remember the lady with the funny furniture.

You can? Well, that, that's great.

Sure, I think it's alright.

Listen, if more teachers had more dinners with more fathers...

Well... you know what I mean.

Good, well, how, how's tomorrow night?

Around 8:30?

Okay. Okay.

Bye, teacher.

Hello, Carl's Flowers? This is Tom Corbett.

Um, look, can you make me up a bouquet of about...

oh, a dozen roses, and one big red apple?

[Eddie] Got a date? Huh?

[Tom] Yeah.

- Is she a hot date? - A what?

- A hot date. - Where'd you hear that?

[Eddie] Well, some of the older boys at school were talking

and they said there was hot dates

and cold dates.

What's a hot date?

[Tom] Eddie, I've always told you not to listen

to other people's conversations.

Especially, older boys'.

[Eddie] You're an older boy.

- Eddie. What are you doing? - I'm helping us go.

I'm rolling the air.

[Tom] Oh-ho. Thanks, partner.

[Eddie] Dad, is this date you're having tonight

a pretty lady?

[Tom] Well, Eddie, uh, it's your teacher, Miss Allen.

- My teacher? - Do you mind?

[Eddie] Not if you don't. Better not let her catch you talking.

- Dad... - Mm-hmm?

[Eddie] Miss Allen, my teacher, is she what you would call

a hot date?

Go on, Eddie Corbett. That's a lie!

- No, it's not. - You're a liar.

It's the truth.

Alright. What are you all fighting about?

- I've a question, Miss Allen. - Yes?

Did you go out on a date with Eddie's father last night?

[children laughing]

Well, I... I don't think

that's anything to discuss in class.

Your father didgo out with the teacher last night.

I told you that.

That makes you the teacher's pet.

Eddie is a teacher's pet.

Eddie is a teacher's pet. Eddie is a teacher's pet.

♪♪

Mmm.

My, this is a beautiful place you have, Tom.

Why, thank you. You also have a beautiful dinner coming.

Mrs. Livingston has got to be one of the world's great cooks.

Well, where is Eddie?

I don't know. Must be in the bed now.

Eddie?

Yes, dad.

Aren't you gonna say hello to Miss Allen?

- Hello, Miss Allen. - Hello, Eddie.

My, you look very grown-up tonight.

Dad made me put on a tie.

Well, you look very handsome.

Eddie, Miss Allen said something to you.

Thank you, Miss Allen.

Hey, you wanna come and sit down here with us?

I better see if I can help Mrs. Livingston.

Hm.

I wonder what's the matter with him.

Well, the kids at school have been giving him a rough time.

- Why? - Well, it's about us.

They seem to think it's amusing that his teacher

and his father are... friends.

Hmm. Well, that's silly.

Well, to us, maybe. But not to them.

You know how cruel kids can be.

Hmm.

It's funny, he never said anything to me about it.

- Oh. - What's the matter?

Well, there's a rough spot on this clasp.

- It's scratching my neck. - Oh.

Wait a second. I'll see if I can do something about it.

[kids laughing] Now you're wet, now you're wet.

Now you're wet, you teacher's pet.

Now you're wet, now you're wet.

Now you're wet, you teacher's pet.

Now you're wet, now you're wet.

Now you're wet, you teacher's pet.

Now you're wet, now you're wet.

Now you're wet, you teacher's pet.

Now you're wet, now you're wet.

Eddie's not back from school yet?

No, he's an hour late.

Well, did you call the school?

No, I called you, but office said

you had left.

Oh. Well, I'll call 'em.

He's probably just hung up with some school activity

that we don't know anything about.

- Oh. - Eddie, are you alright?

Eddie.

- Eddie, what happened? - Nothing.

Come on, pal, you look terrible. Now, what happened?

Just some kids.

You mean you got beat up?

I got a couple of them, too.

But why? What were you fighting about?

- Nothing. - Eddie.

Eddie, nobody fights about nothing.

- Now, what happened? - They were teasing me.

About what?

Just about things.

Eddie, what things?

About you and Miss Allen.

It seems Eddie has problem.

It seems that Eddie and I have a problem.

You will talk to him?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes, I will talk to him.

Oh. Making something, huh?

No.

Oh.

Well, it looked like you were making something.

Eddie...

Eddie, you want to talk about it?

- No. - How about that fight?

There's nothing to talk about.

Hmm.

Eddie, are the kids at school giving you trouble

because I'm taking out your teacher?

- Sometimes. - Like this afternoon?

Like this afternoon?

Yeah.

And that started the fight?

Hey, Eddie, I, uh, I thought you and I

had an understanding about fighting.

But this was different, dad.

No, Eddie, it's not different. Fighting is fighting.

But they said a whole bunch of cruddy things.

Eddie, you're gonna find that there's a lot of people

who always have an awful lot of cruddy things to say about you.

They didn't say 'em about me, dad, they said 'em about you.

Hmm. Well, even if it is about me, Eddie

that's no excuse to fight.

Yes, dad. I'm sorry.

Now...

Actually, you shouldn't be. I got you into it.

Eddie, would it, um...

...would it be easier on you at school

if I stop seeing Kerry?

- Yeah, but... - But what?

Well, you always said

that if somebody does something

that doesn't hurt anybody else

it's nobody else's business, right?

- That's right. - Then you and Miss Allen...

That's your business.

It doesn't matter what the kids say.

- It matters to you, Eddie. - No, it doesn't.

I won't pay any attention to them anymore.

♪♪

You are quite a boy, Eddie.

You're really quite a boy.

And then the princess said to the little mouse...

"I love you, little mouse."

[school bell rings] Alright, class...

we'll continue the story after recess.

Class dismissed.

Hi, sport.

Hey, dad. What are you doing here?

I told you I could take care of it.

Well, I know. I thought I'd come and see for myself.

- Oh. - Now, you better go to recess.

You're gonna be late.

- Hi, teacher. - Hi.

Well, are you here to see Eddie or me?

Well, I, I think I'm here to see what I saw.

Well, the kids can be a little rough sometimes.

Mm. Oh, I had a talk with Eddie last night.

You know, about us. He was very brave about it.

He said he'd rather take care of himself.

But you came to see if he could.

I'd like him to handle it, yes.

- Pretty selfish of me. - Selfish?

Kerry...

I got myself into a situation

and I was hoping that a six-year-old could bail me out.

Now, that makes me a pretty lousy father.

Well, no, you're a good father.

Oh, of all the ladies in the world that I could've taken out

I had to choose my son's teacher.

Well, that doesn't make you a bad father

that makes me a bad teacher.

You're a good teacher.

Not when I get involved with a pupil's father.

That makes Eddie special to me.

And when I allow one child to become special to me

I'm not a good teacher to the others.

[sighs] Well, I guess we've, uh...

we have resolved it, then.

You're a rotten teacher, and I'm a lousy father.

Now, what are we gonna do about it?

Well, what do you want to do about it?

Well, we're already doing what we want.

The point is, are we gonna do the right thing?

♪♪

How do they say it in all the old movies?

I guess this is goodbye.

Well, do they always say that?

You know, in the old movies, they do, yeah.

In today's pictures, they swear a lot.

Well, I am not gonna do that.

No, no.

Well...

Oh, Eddie, I'm sorry.

Sorry?

Eddie, Kerry, and, uh, Miss, Miss Allen and I have, uh...

[clears throat] We've been talking about it

and, uh, you're not gonna have to

worry about being teacher's pet anymore.

- I won't? - No, we, uh...

We have decided that we are not going to, uh...

to see each other anymore.

You're not?

Eddie, that means you won't be teacher's pet.

After all, didn't you just... get beat up again?

No, I didn't. We were just playing football.

Kids let me run with the ball, so they could all get me

on account of I'm the teacher's pet.

Look, well, you, you see, that won't happen to you anymore.

But I made a touchdown.

They never let me run with the ball before.

Eddie.

You mean you don't mind being teacher's pet?

Not if they let me run with the ball.

And in fact, if you and Miss Allen keep on going out

together, maybe I could be the captain of the team.

I got to get back to the huddle.

Why don't you and Miss Allen come out and watch?

Maybe you could be cheerleader.

Well, I...

Wanna lead a couple of cheers?

Rah, rah, rah.

Oh, yes. Oh, bad team.

Your turn, Mrs. Livingston.

Thank you, Eddie.

Ah! I rolled eleven. I moved forward eleven places.

[speaking Japanese]

No. You move backwards, Mrs. Livingston.

Billy Gerber and me changed the rules.

Eddie, how can I play with you

if you and Billy keep changing the rules?

It's not how you play the game, Mrs. Livingston

it's how I win and you lose.

Dad, if you get married again what's she gonna be like?

- That's hard to say, Eddie. - Well...

Is she gonna be a real old lady?

Someone like as old as 20?

[Tom] I really don't know. I, I have to meet her first.

[Eddie] Well, what are you doing about it?

[Tom] I'm working on it, Eddie, I'm working on it.

[Eddie] I hope so, dad, you're not going to get

any younger, you know.

Walk where I walk, dad.

[Tom] I, I can't, Eddie. My feet are bigger.

[Eddie] What's out there, dad?

[Tom] The horizon.

[Eddie] How far does it go?

[Tom] It goes forever, Eddie.

- Is that where mom is? - Why?

[Eddie] Well, can she see us?

Does she know we're having a good time?

[Tom] Yes, Eddie. She knows we're having a good time.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ Pa ra pa ra ra ra pa ♪♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪