Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

What does Christmas mean to me? Um... Ham, turkey...

There's a lot of lonely people out there at Christmas,

so it's a good time to get your hole.

..cheese,

potatoes...

Um...

Socks, jocks

and deodorant sets from me mum.

I bloody hate Christmas!

..hot toddies,

Die Hard...

Um...

Watching my kids break 200 euro worth of gifts

within about five minutes.

Little pricks.

..oh, and spiced beef!

Huh, can't believe I nearly forgot the spiced beef!

People buy shit presents that nobody wants.

And they pretend they like the shit presents.

Does it look like I have feckin' time to talk to you?

I like the drinking.

MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Even though God chose to have his baby

on Christmas Day, it's actually a shit time to do it.

It's cold, you can't go on the lash with everyone else,

cos you're up the duff.

And you'll end up getting fleeced for all the baby shit you need,

cos all the shops are doing the Christmas rip-off.

Sorry, can I help you? Er...

Yeah.

Er, is this a good one, yeah?

Yes. How much is it?

1,100 euro.

1,100 euro for this?!

It's a seat. You could get a car for that.

A shit car maybe, but, like, this is the top-of-the-range Buggy Master.

Who's the lucky lady?

It's for me mam.

We're having a baby.

I'm not having a baby with me mam, all right?!

Get that out of your head!

Sergeant Healy's riding me ma...

Forget about it, all right?! Me mam's having a baby. Oh, OK.

I tell you what, I can give you...

Give you two hundred today and give you the rest tomorrow.

Sounds good, yeah. But I can take this now, yeah?

When you bring back the rest of the money.

OK. Ah, you've done this before.

Ah, you're clever. Yeah, yeah. I'll give you that.

All right, see you tomorrow.

So, now that I've covered the turkey with the herb butter,

which is so delicious.

I'm going to put the chicken in here.

You really need to shove it up there.

You want to make the turkey look a bit like

a pregnant woman that's about to pop.

There, it's so easy. This is idiot proof.

Ugh. Now, it's the perfect time for a little sip of champagne.

She makes everything look so easy, doesn't she?

I bet you when she was giving birth, the baby just slid right out of her.

You know, like they do on TV.

I hope you're enjoying your stress-free Christmas Day

as much as I am.

Cheers!

Mam? What?!

I just can't handle being around Conor at the moment,

everything he does is stressing me out.

Like, I need to relax for the baby.

Mam! What?!

Do you know where I can find some clean clothes?

Hmm, let me think.

When's the last time you washed your own clothes?

Is that a trick question? Cos I've never washed my own clothes.

Exactly! And I won't be doing it from now on either.

Here is the washing machine, Conor.

It has a round window.

That's how you know it's the washing machine.

This one has a round window too. Yes.

That's the dryer and he's best friends with the washing machine.

All right, like, you don't have to talk to me like I'm an idiot.

Yes, I do, because you act like an idiot all the time!

No, not all the time!

Oh, that's true, sometimes you're sleeping.

But you're probably having idiot dreams!

Come with me.

Firstly, you put your dirty clothes in the washing basket.

I don't have a washing basket.

That's your washing basket!

Oh.

No, no, no, no! That's where I keep my stuff!

Yeah, well, your stuff can stay somewhere else.

OK, I get it! Washing in the washing basket! Thanks, Mam.

Er, you can go now. I...

Is this real?

No, it's not, it's not real.

Really?! Yeah, really. Should I ask Healy?

Are you rhyming on purpose?

No, I'm not rhyming on purpose!

Oh, God!

OK, no, no, it is a real gun,

but, er, it's not exactly what it looks like.

What...? Um...

Mairead? Yep. Do you mind if I shower first?

Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.

Or you could join me?

Oh, you take your time, and you never know your luck.

# On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... #

You're not seriously going to ride him in that tiny shower, are ya?

There's not exactly enough room for the three of ye.

No, I'm not going to ride him in the shower.

If I don't show up, he'll just take care of himself.

I'm just buying time to sort this shit out!

Jeez. # Five golden rings... #

Where did you get a gun from?! Conor's got a gun?!

Jesus Christ, Billy, You frightened the shit out of me!

What did I tell you about not letting yourself into my house?!

Well, I wouldn't have to let myself in if you opened the door

when I rang the doorbell. That's the whole point.

I don't want you in here!

Since when do you own a gun?

I don't own a gun, I'm just getting paid to mind it.

It's just a foxer, you know what I'm saying.

A foxer is tiling someone's bathroom on the weekend for cash.

Yeah, well, I'm not paying any tax on this either.

Why are you getting so annoyed about it?

I've done illegal shit before, you should be getting used to it.

This isn't a stolen bike, Conor.

This is a five-year prison sentence with a trigger.

Not to mention putting myself, Healy and the baby in danger.

Like, what are you thinking?! Who are you doing the foxer for?

Just this guy, Jack.

Tell me it's not Jack Hammer!

Jack Hammer! Oh, shit!

What? There's only one person in the world I'm absolutely terrified of,

and that's Jack Hammer.

He carries around a hammer, and it's not for fixing shelves.

He's a complete lunatic.

OK, here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to drive to the coastline,

I'm going to chuck it in the sea and let that be that.

You don't want to be throwing away Jack Hammer's loaded gun!

He's knee-capped more people than old age!

What, this is loaded? There's actually bullets in this?!

No, of course it's not loaded.

By "of course not" do you mean

six in the cylinder and the safety's off?

Well... What? No way!

Is the safety on now? Yeah.

I mean, no. Let me get that for you.

Safe as houses, Mairead.

Mairead!

And then I just couldn't get over how many

celeries there were in the shop.

Will you look who it is!

It's Magic Mike.

Mairead, would you have a spare tea towel there?

I feel slightly overdressed.

Er, Mairead, you said you were going to ...

Oh, yeah, I was just having a good long think about it.

Be right with you.

Go on, stick the emersion on there, will you now.

OK, look, don't worry.

I'm going to bring Jack Hammer's gun back to him.

You're eight months pregnant, you need to rest.

You can trust me.

That's the problem, Conor,

I can't trust you as far as I can throw you with anything.

I wouldn't be throwing anything in your condition now, Mairead.

Shut your face, Billy. Conor, I'm going with you.

And, Billy, you're coming too. Why am I going with you?

Because it sounds like I'm going to be meeting

some very dangerous people, and I need something to put between me

and them in case a bullet goes off.

And he's just too small.

MUSIC: Jingle Bells

WHISPERS: Motherfucker. Mairead?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Conor, are you in here?

Yeah. Hurry up, I'm dying for a crap!

Who's that for?

Jack Hammer.

I wrapped it.

Oh, I like it.

Hiding in plain sight.

OK. Mam, do you want me to carry it for ya?

No, I don't!

Cos you'll probably do something stupid, like drop it.

Go, come on.

You're going to be a great mam, Mairead.

I already am a mam.

Oh, the law, the law, the law!

OK, Mam, er, you're not used to doing all this illegal stuff, right.

So, just take a few pointers.

Don't think about the gun.

Don't think about the consequences

and just act like it's any other day.

Looking unsuspicious is a state of mind.

Thanks, I think I got this.

I'm not taking advice from you two dipshits!

Ha, ha.

See the United game last night?

Shocking altogether. Shocking.

Shocking. Don't talk to me. Huh!

Hold on, Mairead.

Is Healy inside?

He gave us a call there to give him a lift.

Yeah. Tony!

I thought you were a "bike" Garda,

not a "I need a lift" Garda?

We're going for Christmas drinks after work.

Isn't the whole reason people own a bike

so that they can cycle home after the pub? Yeah.

It's illegal to cycle drunk too, Billy, yeah?

Huh?

That makes no sense.

It's not. It's not, like.

What does she see in him?

You all right?

Of course I'm all right.

She's acting a bit weird, isn't she?

I was thinking that.

What have you got there?

None of your business.

Oh, you're busted!

It's a gift for me, isn't it?

Aww!

You've enough on your plate now without going and getting me things.

Aww, I've no idea what it is. Tony...

What do you think, lads?

All right, well, ju...

Oh, it's very heavy.

Can you feel like a switch there? Feel that.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

There's a knob there or something.

Oh, do you know what? It's probably for shaving your, your beard,

for your beard, it's a beard trimmer! You're welcome.

The Manscaper?

Good call.

Look, it's supposed to be a surprise!

Do you mind handing it back, please?

Sure, the best part is guessing under the tree, isn't it?

Should be like, "Oh, what is it?"

Oh, well, suit yourself, girl.

Ah, Jesus.

Ha.

Guess we'll hit the road, so...

Oh!

Clear!

Clear of what?

Clear...

..your stupid car out of the way.

You going to box me in all day?

All right, Jesus! Merry Christmas to you too.

All right, lads.

Shotgun! It's a handgun!

Shut up.

They're still looking right at you.

Mairead, is there any chance you can move your seat forward a small bit?

Oh, yeah, I'll just pop this baby out and pull my seat forward.

All right, relax! I didn't shout at you, like!

Oh, shut up. Put your seat belts on.

MUSIC PLAYS

Just turn off the radio! Why? Turn off the radio!

We need to hear... I'm pregnant! Turn it off!

Is my life just going to be a series of these traumatic events?

Watching you go into prison, collecting you from prison,

praying you don't end up there again,

but knowing in my heart of hearts

that I'm at this halfway point of this long list of fuck-ups with you!

And then me feeling like the worst mother in Ireland.

You're your own woman.

That's what you always say to me.

You can't let other people define ya.

That only counts for people you don't give birth to, all right?

You're my blood. I made you, I raised you!

And I'm responsible for you as the fuck-up that you currently are.

So, yes, you do define me.

What the hell is this kip?

All right, Conor? Yeah.

Who's this lovely lady?

Er, Mam, this is Helen, Hammer's wife.

Helen, this is Mam, my mam.

Lovely to meet ya.

Look, my son is minding something for your husband,

and he can't mind it any more, so we're here to bring it back.

Well, my husband's business is my husband's business.

You'll have to talk to him about that.

I'll give him a call.

Why don't you have a seat over there and hold on for him?

You all right?

My mam's had a bit of a tough day, do you know?

Do you think maybe you could fit her in for a pamper?

I'll pay double whatever it costs.

Any friend of Hammer's

is a friend of mine, Conor.

No charge.

Sheila!

Will you clear my schedule there, girl?

Sorry, ladies.

No Christmas haircuts for you today. Off with you. Go on.

That's not my coat. Off with ya.

We've been here all day, like!

Mairead!

Why don't you jump on the basin over there? What?

Get you sorted for Christmas.

Come on.

It's your lucky day, girl.

Sheila, throw her over there, will ya?

Look after her as well.

SHE SIGHS

Would you like a little head massage with your wash?

Oh, that'd be amazing.

No bother.

Oh!

MUSIC: Jingle Bells

WOLF WHISTLE

Healy's a lucky man. Billy!

BUZZER

Himself is here, lads.

Er, I just have to go to the toilet.

Get back here, you chicken shit!

Hi, love, how are ya?

Hiya, Hammer. Er, sorry to get you...

HE SLURPS

Ah.

I heard you were looking for me, Conor boy, huh?

I heard you were looking for the Hammer, huh? Is that right?

I was, yeah. And what day is it, Conor, boy? What day is it?

It's Tuesday. Tuesday. No, well, yes.

Tuesday. But who's coming tonight?

S...S... Santa. Santa.

Santa's coming, yeah?

It's Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. That's right, Conor boy.

And I don't work on Christmas Eve.

Did you know what I had to do, Conor?

I had to pause Home Alone.

I've left Home Alone home alone.

What?

This better not be work related.

Well, no, it's not really work related...

It is work...! It is work related.

Sorry, I know it's Christmas Eve, like, but...

Please.

Who's this girl, boy?

Er...this girl is my mam.

You're his mammy then, eh? I am the mammy.

You're a good looking mammy. Wha...?

Oh!

I see you've had the Helen treatment.

Anywhere in the city I'd spot that, it's lovely.

She's done it again, girls! Isn't that lovely?

ALL: Yes, Hammer!

Yes, Hammer! That's a lovely job there, Helen.

Erm...

Is there anywhere we can

kind of talk about this whole issue in private? You...

Yeah, the office. Let's do it.

Don't worry, Mam, I've got this under control.

Oh, I feel so much better hearing that, Conor.

What are you doing bringing your mammy in here

with a baby in her belly?

Er, she wouldn't stay at home. Huh?

Why wouldn't you stay at home with your feet up,

resting with a baby in your belly, girl?

How am I supposed to rest

when you've got my son playing hide and seek with a gun in my house?!

Did you not tell her it was a foxer?

He came to me, said he needed a couple of quid for Christmas,

so I looked after the boy, girl.

Well, you can look after him again now and take the gun back, please!

Whoa, ho, ho... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't work on Christmas Eve.

And anyway, we had an agreement, boy.

Look, he's not responsible enough to make agreements, OK?

So, you're going to have to make a new agreement with me!

Oh!

Ha, ha! Have a look.

Ah!

Lovely.

Oh, thanks very much now! Thanks girl, oh!

Oh, sure I love a bit of cooking, me.

That's great!

Where the fuck is the gun?!

A gu... A what?

That was supposed to be a gun.

Why would you wrap a gun in Christmas wrapping paper?

Sure, that's very dangerous, girl.

Well, we wrapped your gun up in paper to hide it

on the way here but it must have got mixed up with a present at home.

I tell you what, I'm going to go and get the gun

and bring it back to you, all right?

You're not going fuckin' anywhere, boy.

Your own mother didn't even trust you to get the gun back to me.

Do you really think I'm going to trust you

with a fuckin' hot gun, boy,

when you don't even know where it is?

I was in a good mood earlier on.

Now I'm in a fuckin' shit mood!

I fuckin' hate working Christmas Eve!

Un-fuckin'-believable!

Whoo.

To the house, so!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Some human shield you turned out to be! Get up out of it!

Open every last one of them presents and find my gun!

Where's the fuckin' gun, man?!

You start looking, boy!

I'm looking for it.

Look for it!

Get the fuck over here, boy.

Where's the fuckin' gun?!

I don't know where your gun is.

Where's the fuckin' gun, boy?!

Are you wearing braces?

Are you not a bit old for braces?

I mean, there's nothing wrong with kind of improving your dental...

What the fuck are you on about, boy?

I don't know.

It's a mouth guard! A fuckin' mouth guard! All right, boy?

All right, all right! For all the grinding and the fuckin' stress

I have to put up with!

Fuck's sake! I can't do this any more, Conor.

You cause me nothing but stress and anxiety.

Every time I look at you, I get a knot in my stomach of worry.

I just... I can't cope any more.

Look, if we get out of this, I...

..I need you to move out, like.

I've got a new baby on the way and I just...

..I can't trust you being in the house any more.

What? I... I can't afford to move out.

I'll pay for it. I'll figure it out somehow, OK?

I just need you away from us, all right?

I've had it now!

Agh! Keep looking!

Why is it taking so long?!

Where's the fuckin' gun, boy?

Try harder! Where is it?!

Oh, look at this!

No, no! Don't open that, we're looking for a gun, not a bazooka!

Now...

God, Hammer!

Oh, it's a Buggy Master!

Did Tony get me that?

"To the best mam ever.

"Thank you for always being there to take care of me.

"I love you, more than you know...

"..Conor." No wonder you were doing a foxer.

Them prams cost a bloody fortune.

What the fuck you going on about, boy?! Ow!

Argh! Jesus Christ! It's like The Waltons in here!

Find me gun! Where is it?!

I don't know, it's not here!

Where else is it going to be?!

It's time for Secret Santa.

CHEERING

Healy!

ALL: Ooh!

And for the big man behind me, I've this one!

There's going to be consequences now, boy!

Well, what are the consequences?

I'll get you your money back, I promise.

It's not about the fucking money, boy, it's about the fucking gun!

Can you imagine if the Garda got a hold of that?!

What do you think it is? What do you think it is?

Give it a smell. What does it feel like? Touch it. Touch it.

It is heavy. Heavy. OK, heavy. What could be heavy now? Fishing weights?

Look, I lost the gun, OK? Not him. It was me. No, no way.

You're just fucking saying that because you're his fucking mammy.

And there's no way I'm kneecapping a fucking

mammy with a baby in her belly!

You're getting it, boy. Say hello to fucking Margaret.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen.

The girl herself, the mad bitch, Margaret!

Here she is.

So, pick a knee. Eeny, meeny, miny, fucking knee, boy.

I suppose the left one, cos I'm right-legged.

It's not about which one we're saving, boy,

cos you're getting both. It's which one I'm going to smash first!

Come on, let's go! Billy!

Something to say there, Billy boy? Come on! You got something to say?

Yeah, whatever he says. Start on the left and probably work on the right.

Billy! You're a good man, Billy! Let's do it!

Argh! All right, bye-bye, eeny, meeny, miny, meeny...

Oh, God! Just what I always wanted.

Put it in there.

It's a handgun replica.

All right, here we go! Here we go!

Jesus! It looks just like the real thing.

SCREAMING

What are you screaming about, girl?

Huh? I haven't even touched him yet!

I think I'm going into labour!

Ha! You're faking it!

It's all right, Margaret, you mad bitch! I'm not faking it!

Are you faking it? Cos if you are, you're doing a great performance.

I'm not fucking faking it! Look, my pants are soaking

and I didn't even piss myself.

Oh, shit, fuck, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, shit! Oh, I need to lie down.

All right. Billy, call an ambulance.

We'll pick up this thing with the hammer later, all right?

OK, Mam. That's it. You're probably grand.

You probably just need a big shit. Sit down, will you?

Who's the wise guy who gave this as Secret Santa? Huh? Huh?

Don't be looking at me!

I've never even seen a real gun before in me life.

That is so irresponsible, whoever did that.

Yes!

GROANING

You, I need you to get more cushions and a blanket off the couch

and bring them over here. Then I'm going to need you to get

some paper towel and ice from the freezer.

Billy, can you get me a warm bowl of water

and some facecloths from the hot press?

Oh, and that scented candle next to Mam's bed.

How do you know all this stuff?

Me and the lads got really into One Born Every Minute

when we were in prison. I've seen my fair share of vaginas.

When is the ambulance coming? It's Christmas Eve.

They said they're up to their tits bringing pissheads to A&E.

I told them who I was and to hurry up or I'd fucking kill them.

Mm. OK. Here, you.

I'm not good around childbirth, boy.

When my kids were born, I fainted.

What? So you can kneecap people, but this is a problem, is it?

Yeah. Oh, you're doing great, Mam.

MAIREAD MOANS

Hurry up, ambulance!

We're going to get her something to grip onto, OK?

Er... Here you go!

Nice one. Con, Con, get these pants off. This baby's coming!

Er, OK.

I will take your pants off and we will not talk about it ever again.

OK. How is Mam today? Is she OK? Con, get them off!

Now here's the situation.

If the public ever find out that two dozen pissed Guards in a pub

shot off a firearm, we will be under scrutiny for the next ten years,

and our jobs, that's if we still have them,

will be a fucking nightmare!

Now, are we all agreed to never, ever talk about this again?

Yes. Yeah. Promise.

Yes, Sir! ALL: Yes, Sir!

SCREAMING

Argh! Me fucking hand!

Mam, just hang on till the paramedics arrive.

Here, we've got a bit of head coming out.

It's got hair and everything.

Brilliant. Er...

Billy, it's been two hours. Where's the ambulance?

They're saying it's going to be about ten minutes.

I don't have ten minutes, this baby's coming!

OK, Mam, why don't we say we go for one, Mam?

How's that sound? Shall we give it a go? Yeah.

No, wait, wait! That's enough!

OK, why don't we push? Yeah, yeah.

No! No, no!

Push! OK!

OK, right. Good God. You're doing great.

Oh, Jesus! You're doing great, girl. Great! Great, girl!

You're doing great!

SOBBING

You're doing great, Mam! You're doing great!

That's it, OK. You're doing great, girl! You're doing great.

We've got a whole head out now.

That's brilliant, all right? Just keep going.

Con, Con, I don't want you to move out.

You don't have to worry about that now, all right? OK.

I want you to stay. We're a family.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to do better now, I promise.

You don't have to be worried about me any more.

You just concentrate on this, OK?

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

It's coming!

Oh, my God! Oh!

SIREN

The ambulance is here!

What took you? Come on, come on, come on! There's no time for that!

There's a baby coming out of her box.

Healy, Christmas has come early. Go!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! OK, I'm here.

Oh, my goodness!

Shit! Oh, my God!

That's it, Mam, one last push! There we go!

CRYING Oh, hello. Oh, my God!

Yes! We did it! I've got a baby brother! Hello!

Yes!

We've got it from here. OK. Here.

Cut off... Cut off the thing!

Give him an innie.

Outies are weird!

# These empty streets

# Full of glitter and gold

# I make a wish on a star

# For you to come home for me to hold... #

We have a little baby.

He's beautiful.

Now, that is a Christmas miracle.

Thank you.

Uh... Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God!

Who's he? His wife, er, was doing Mam's hair

and Mam left her handbag in the salon,

so he just brought it over here when this happened. Yeah, yeah.

And he fell over. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, you're bang on there and this is... Christmas is all about

forgiving and all, so we'll forget about that thing, OK?

And congratulations, Mrs... And, Guard, of course.

I'm going back to watch Home Alone. I've had enough of this shite.

Hey, Jack. Yeah?

Hammer. Oh. Oh, yeah, fair play, fair play, fair play.

Happy Christmas.

Oh! Holy Mary, that's amazing!

Back of the net, Mairead.

Well done.

What are you going to call him? Erm, well...

It is after midnight,

so, I mean, he was born on Christmas Day.

Well, it's obvious.

Santa.

Er...

# My world comes alive when I'm with you

# And no more silent nights when I'm with you

# While they sleep we can fly

# Through the hills in the night

# Ring the bells cos it's Christmas-time. #

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