Original subtitles

The future.

I see it coming.

A man is returning home.

A musician,

of great talent and fortune.

But his enemies await.

He is in grave danger.

In the shadows lurks...

..death.

BIRDSONG

DOG BARKS

"The Riddle of the Missing Monocle.

"A Merle Monroe Mystery."

That's a lot of M's, Mum.

Who's Merle?

- He's my new detective and don't get marmalade on him, please.

- Has he found the missing monocle?

- He has not.

And to be quite honest, neither have I.

- This is entirely without sense.

Your Great Uncle Horace is inviting you to visit him

at the Prospect Hotel on Cragstone Ridge.

- Why doesn't that make any sense?

- I rather assumed your Great Uncle Horace was still dead.

- "There may be something of interest to your daughter Georgina."

- George. - Mm...

- He's dead, you can't expect him to know that.

She can't possibly go.

- Well, certainly not on her own, no.

- I am here, you know.

Oh Mum, Dad, please say yes.

Look, I love you, but I am dying of boredom being stuck here

with you all summer.

- Oh! - Mm. - Charming.

- You know what I mean.

- I shall go with you.

I... This is odd.

I want to get to the bottom of it.

DOG BARKS

Yeah, it's adventure time!

Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

This is categorically not another one of your preposterous escapades.

- Well, how can it be?

It's just me and Timmy.

Isn't it, yeah? - And me.

- And Dad. - And Mum.

I can write from there.

Big spooky hotel in the middle of nowhere?

That's where I'll find my monocle.

- Yeah.

HORN TOOTS

That was whale fat.

- Huh?

- In the sandwich, on the train.

- Highly likely.

Rationing?

- Oh, it was yuck.

- Evacuation does sound grim.

But we're here now,

so we have to make a go of it.

- What does the letter say happens next?

- "Dear Sir, in light of the aerial bombardment of London,

"your children have been selected to join a party

"of 22 evacuees leaving the capital this Friday.

"The 09:10 from Paddington delivers them to Cragstone Ridge,

"whence they will be escorted to the safety

"of the renowned Prospect Hotel."

"Renowned" is good.

- We'll pretend it's a holiday.

No air raids, no sirens, no horrible gas masks.

New friends.

- Next week it's my birthday,

and the most important thing about my birthday

is that we're together with Mum and Dad

and we all sing Green Grow the Rushes, O.

It's compulsory and now it's been cancelled and I miss them already

and...

..that man is staring at us.

Oh, no.

He's coming over.

Julian...

- Do I have the pleasure of beholding the Family Barnard, junior division?

- Yeah, we're the Barnards. - Ah.

Mr Vincent at your service.

How was the journey?

I trust they gave you something tasty to eat.

- They did. It was... - Tasty.

- I'm so pleased.

Cases?

- We can...carry...our cases.

Thank you.

This way.

- Hello, old sport.

Stanley Crawford, insurance agent.

My card.

I believe we have a common destination, the Prospect Hotel.

- Um, yes.

What's it like?

- Ruddy unsuitable place to dump a pile of kids, if you ask me,

but there's a war on.

Shall we?

- JULIAN: - I've been reading up about Cragstone Ridge.

It's surrounded by a marsh.

Local legend says the place "eats" people.

- Great, a cursed hotel.

Just gets better and better.

I'm scared.

- There are no ghosts at the Old Prospect.

What there is is buckets of bad blood.

Broken promises.

Disappointments.

Betrayals.

Yeah, that's what a man really should be allowed to insure against.

Betrayal.

- Cab Vee.

Playing tonight.

- Ah!

Do I have the pleasure of welcoming the Barnard family?

- Yes, we just met.

- We most certainly did, and what an unfettered delight it was.

I am Mr Vincent,

proprietor and your host.

Number 16.

- Are the other children here already?

- I don't think we're expecting any other children.

Correction.

We are.

One young man.

- What?

- Mr Vincent.

What is the meaning of this disgusting proposition?

What did he say?

- Mummy... - What?

Don't mumble, Angela.

It's so unattractive.

This hideous threat of so-called popular music.

I've just returned from Brazil,

where the noise was insufferable

and in this hotel

I demand peace... - But... - ..and quiet.

- Miss Clutterbuck...

..the music is jazz!

It is thrilling and exc... - What?

- I didn't speak.

- Well, I heard you doing so.

Spit it out, child.

- I was only going to say that Cab Vee is Mr Vincent's son.

- I call that an error of taste.

- My son is celebrated in America...

- Oh!

- ..as one of the finest...

- How are we supposed to pretend it's a holiday

when the people are so... peculiar?

- You see, that's something about this letter I don't understand.

The postmark.

It was posted here. It should've come from Westminster.

- Excuse me.

You've come from London, haven't you?

Is it bad down there?

Bombs and that?

- It's quite bad.

It said on the wireless we lost 20 aircraft last week.

The whole situation's extremely disturbing.

- You poor things.

Now you're stuck in this godforsaken place.

- It's completely devastating.

I'm going to be here on my birthday.

- I'm so sorry.

But, look, there's a dance band here tonight.

They really swing.

That's something, hey?

- Can I ask you a question?

We were expecting things here to be a bit...

..different.

Is there anything strange going on in the hotel?

- No more than normal.

Well...

of course, there is the haruspex.

- That's Latin, for...

fortune teller.

- Bloke on the fourth floor does tarot cards for the guests.

The staff aren't to go near him, but I nipped in the other day.

I asked him about my future in hospitality,

and all he talked about was death.

I asked for my money back, but he got really shirty.

- I believe I asked for The Times of London,

not the Cragstone Herald.

- I'm so sorry, Mr Standing, I must have misheard.

- "Times", "Cragstone"?

You must have been working quite hard to mishear.

But now you're better informed.

We should all be better informed.

- Well, I mustn't be caught talking.

Being chummy with the guests is sackable.

- We'd like to be chummy with you.

- I'm Dilys.

- He's Julian.

- So is that the famous marsh that eats people?

- Somewhere out there.

- I wish George was here.

- Mr Crawford, Mr Vincent.

That man on the stairs,

Mr Standing?

Everyone's...weird.

- Dilys wasn't weird.

- She was a bit weird.

- That's creepy.

- What kind of hotel has a full-time fortune teller on the top floor?

- What is a haruspex anyway?

- Well, strictly speaking, a haruspex tells a range of things.

It would be your fate, of course.

- You promised to stand by me.

- Events overtook my promise.

- Events?

Thieving from the guests and legging it to America?

Those are the events you have in mind?

- Cab Vee.

- Fa-Father, just watch the show tonight

then you'll understand why I had to go.

- You lost the right to understanding a long time ago, son.

- "Son".

You've lost the right to that, an' all.

- FOOTSTEPS

Please, please, please, please.

- Anne?

What's happened?

I just... I...

DOG BARKS

- Oh, good God!

Canine, Angela!

Interpose yourself.

- Nice doggy.

- He likes you. - Oh, good.

- George!

- Oh, my gosh, what are you guys doing here?

- The "young man"! It's you.

- You'll never guess what's in our room.

There's a secret... - How is this possible?

- I don't know, I mean, we got a letter and then we... - Letter?

- Is Uncle Quentin with you? - And Mum, they're outside.

He's swearing at the truck.

He was going too fast and he bashed into a tree.

But it doesn't matter, cos here we all are, together again!

Take me to Great Uncle Horace.

- What?

- You didn't get a letter from Great Uncle Horace?

- Great Uncle Horace is dead. - Definitely dead.

1919, squashed by an elephant on the rampage.

- This letter, George,

it's written on exactly the same paper as our evacuation order.

- Same smudging on the Ts.

Same typewriter.

- Both letters are fake.

Somebody's lied to all of us.

Come on, speedy! - That tree was travelling far too fast

and it was on the wrong side of the road.

- There's a dog on the premises.

- How appalling.

- I don't believe it!

Oh, what a wonderful surprise!

- Er, Mum, they have four beds in their room, so we can share.

- Yes?

- Oh, can we, Aunt Fanny?

I was wishing and wishing that George would be here,

and here she is.

And it is almost my birthday.

- Thanks, Dad. Run!

- How? Where...?

Oh!

What's the point?

- Hola, jovenes.

One, two, three, four...

- DOG BARKS

- ..five.

Excellent.

He will see you now.

- What?

Who are you? Who wants to see us?

- The man who holds the future in his hands.

- She means the man on the fourth floor.

The haruspex.

The fortune teller.

- DOG BARKS

- Electrical failures.

They have them here, too.

It's the war.

Nothing to worry about.

- You took your time.

But now that you're here...

..I shall explain you to yourselves.

Be seated.

In this case...

..no need of cards.

You, George,

an only child,

and lonely.

When separated from your cousins, you feel you are only half a person.

- That's completely ridiculous.

- And yet completely true.

You, Anne.

Pathetically afraid of ghosts.

- No, I'm not! - When you lie, your nose goes puce.

Dick.

A brain the size of Jupiter.

But there is only one thing in life you really want to be.

- And what is that?

- Taller. - All right, that's enough.

- Says Julian,

who wonders if and when he will ever kiss a girl.

- How do you know all this?!

- Come here, my dear.

A trifle warm in here, Gabriela.

My poor old head is...

..getting itchy.

Hello, children.

- Wentworth?

- After our last...

..little adventure together,

I withdrew to Paris.

There I happened upon Gabriela...

..at the roulette table.

I lost just about everything else,

but her I found.

- I thought Paris was full of Nazis.

- They were a disincentive to remain.

I returned to England, penniless,

and secured discreet employment at this hotel, as a fortune teller.

- You wrote those letters, didn't you?

One to our parents, pretending to be the Government.

One to George's, pretending to be Horace.

To get us all to come here.

Why?

- Muy inteligente, este chico.

- What brings you here...

..is murder.

This hotel is a foetid swamp of resentment and lust for revenge.

- We'd heard. - Oh, you'd heard, had you?

Had you heard? Well, you're now hearing the correct version from me.

You saw the poster for the singer, Cab Vee?

His real name is Charlie Vincent.

Son of the imbecile who runs this pub.

Charlie was supposed to take over managing the place, but, oh, no.

He bolted to New York and became an international star.

Meanwhile the hotel's gone down the drain

and his father blames him.

- So why did Charlie come back?

- To atone.

- For what? Having some ambition?

- Charlie distressed a great many people when he fled the country.

People he simply abandoned.

Friends, family, at least one lover.

This is why he is destined to be murdered.

- How could you possibly know that?

- Because I had a vision.

There was...nothing I could do.

Death is coming.

It's inexorable. It won't stop until it takes him.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Someone in this hotel is preparing to murder Charlie Vincent.

- He has had visions before.

- Ever since he drank from that fountain on Kirrin Island.

- I have.

And the only people who know them to be true are gathered in this room.

Nobody in the world can do this but you.

- Do what?

- The Nazis have our country by the throat,

choking us to death, we cannot speak, we cannot breathe,

but Charlie Vincent can sing.

His music is a fount of joy,

hope, inspiration for our country.

To lose him now would be catastrophic

to the morale of the nation.

So...

..what I want you to do, children,

is identify the would-be assassin...

..and stop him.

Now I am exhausted. Leave me.

Go!

- I must warn you, Thomas.

The father of the tall girl,

I believe he will interfere.

Mama writes a book.

Papa has nothing to occupy his mind.

- Al contrario, Gabriela.

He has you.

Is Charlie really going to die?

- That insurance man, Crawford,

he was going on about betrayal.

- What about that old lady that went to Brazil?

Miss Clutterbuck.

She said his music was hideous.

- MAN: - Now, you listen to me. - Shush!

- Cab Vee is a high-value commodity.

Hey, you keep your wig on.

You want forceful, I can be forceful.

Consider me your executioner.

- Julian, you should write a list.

Put Mr Standing at the top of it.

He called Charlie a commodity.

What's a commodity?

- Step one, surely, should be find Charlie.

He's the one who's about to be murdered. We have to warn him.

- Hang on. Wentworth has visions, OK?

But he also lies through his teeth.

So how do we know which one he's doing now?

- We don't. - So why are we getting involved?

- Because it's what we do.

We get involved.

If there's any chance at all that we can stop someone from being killed,

we have to try.

- I've missed you, George.

- She's right, Dick.

Even if it's a trap, we have to try.

- OK, Timmy gets the casting vote.

- TIMMY BARKS

- OK, 5-0 for investigation.

Let's find Charlie.

- Er, intemperate tintinnabulation, sir?

- I want to see your hotel register.

I want material proof of my uncle's continued existence.

- I'm afraid we don't keep such records here, sir.

Our guests, we find, are very jealous of their privacy.

The Prospect is, above all, discreet.

- DOOR SLAMS

- Ah, George, are you particularly busy?

- Er...

Er, we're just playing hide and seek.

- Who's hiding? You're all here.

- The advanced version.

What's up?

- There's something rummy going on in this establishment.

Uncle Horace is nowhere to be found and I need to know why.

I suggest we investigate this, together.

- Professor Quentin Barnard.

Wow!

Creator of the legendary Algebra Engine.

Integrator theorist.

Master logician.

You know that science governs all.

But I know that science is governed

by magic.

We have much to discuss, you and I.

- Go, go, go!

DOG BARKS

- We do?

- Sorry, Mr Crawford.

We were looking for someone else.

- Charlie. Cab Vee.

- That's him punishing the piano.

But take my tip,

if Charlie Vincent shakes your hand, count your fingers.

My card.

Do you know we once had a warlock speak at the Royal Society?

The students booed him off the podium.

They threw wet blotting paper.

It was terribly disrespectful.

I wanted to hear what he had to say.

- You're a man of imagination.

At last.

I had quite given up hope of proper conversation here.

- Hmm.

Er, allow me to furnish you with a aper...an aperitif.

Senora.

- Senorita, please.

Gabriela.

- Is this anybody's?

- Not for you, sir.

That's, er, Charlie's five o'clock.

It's rested,

so the ingredients can combine.

- Good Lord...

- Can I prepare you both the house cocktail?

It's called...

..Death Comes For The Archbishop.

- Sounds heavenly.

- Marvellous.

- Your present research, Professor,

what does it concern?

How do you plan to astonish civilisation?

- Well, I believe

that it will one day be possible to harness the natural,

spontaneous energy of the world around us.

Mm? Rather than rely on fossil fuels.

I mean, why rely on fossil fuels when,

look, even my jumper is constantly generating electricity?

- Your...yu-yumper?

- Oh, jumper.

- But the magicians, you know,

they have been harnessing the energy of creation for thousands of years.

- In fables, not in life.

- You scorn the wisdom of the ancients?

- Two deaths.

- This for Charlie?

- I wonder,

would you care to dine with us this evening?

- "Us"?

- Myself, my daughter and my wife.

- I should be delighted.

Hasta pronto, Professor.

- Oh.

- Blue again

It's you again

Here comes the same old fear

The saddest song

I ever wrote

The one that you'll never hear...

HE STOPS PLAYING

HE PLAYS AM UPBEAT JAZZY TUNE

B flat's on the blink,

but you have to work with what you've got.

- I loved the song you were playing when we came in.

The sad one.

- That's...that's the one that counts.

- Can we come to the concert tonight?

Dilys said we should.

- Dilys... Dilys recommends it, you probably should, yeah.

But first, Charlie, we've got some questions.

- Serious questions.

You see... - You're going to be murdered!

What?

- Your five o'clock, sir.

Anything else for you, sir?

- No, thank you, Dilys.

Er, no, yes, some lemonade for these guys.

When I was little, there was an old bloke who used to perform here.

A Delta bluesman, from Chicago.

He'd drink martinis and play at this piano just for me.

That's how it all started,

me and jazz.

My old man hated it.

He said it was the music of the devil.

But I liked it.

I liked it so much, I had to leave here,

go somewhere where I could do it myself.

And now I've come back, just in time to get myself topped, apparently.

- Do you have you any enemies, Charlie?

- My departure from England wasn't my finest hour.

I upset a lot of people,

none of whom would want to kill me, though.

Give me a slap, maybe.

TIMMY SNIFFS

TIMMY BARKS

TIMMY GROWLS

Quite right.

Cherries have no business tasting of gin.

TIMMY BARKS

- Acid.

Or possibly extreme alkali.

I'm assuming your drink doesn't usually do that?

- Not usually, no.

- Oh!

You were meant to drink that!

- Who made that cocktail?

- Mr Vincent.

- You brought it here. You could have done anything to it.

- I did nothing but bring it.

We should think this through. - Whoa, guys.

Look, whatever's going on here, it's extremely dangerous.

I think it's better if you don't get involved.

OK, we won't get involved.

- A murderer? At the Prospect?

I have to say, I'm actually rather hurt

that you could suggest such an uncouth thing.

- We're not accusing you, sir.

We just want to know what happened to the drink, after you made it.

- Well...

..it rested, as it should.

So that the ingredients can combine.

And then, um...

well...

..it was delivered by Dilys.

- It's not Dilys.

- Julian, we can't just say that just because she's, you know, pretty.

- It's nothing to do with that!

If she is...

..I really hadn't noticed.

Um, it's simply that I happen to believe she's innocent.

- Well, I happen to be not so sure.

- Both of you, please, stop arguing.

If you don't mind my saying,

you lot don't seem to have a very clear idea of what you're doing.

- He's right. We need to be more scientific about this.

We need professional advice.

- TIMMY WHINES

- Run that by me again?

- Say you have a bunch of people...

- Uh-huh.

- ..and you know one of them's a murderer.

How would you find out who that person might be?

I mean, what would you look for?

- What are you up to, George?

- Nothing. We're just bored. It's a game.

- The Holy Trinity of detection.

One, means.

Did the suspect possess the correct tools for the job?

- Deadly acid.

- Two, opportunity.

Was the suspect in the right place, at the right time?

And three, motive - and this is crucial.

Did the suspect have a reason to murder?

Now, that reason may be a secret known only to them.

Sometimes not even to themselves.

- What's the top motive for murder?

- Money.

Sometimes love.

Sometimes both.

- So, how do detectives find out what people are really thinking?

- Now, the trick to detecting...

is getting people to tell you things they don't want to tell you,

ideally without them knowing that they're doing it.

Also, you need to be able to see through walls,

behind closed doors.

See the stuff that people think is hidden safe.

And that's hard.

Does that help...

..with your game?

- Why didn't I remember this before?

What if I told you

that in our room there's a hidden door

that leads to a secret passage

from which you can spy into people's rooms

through painted people's eyeballs?

Who's first?

- To do what?

- Julian's first.

Who's next?

- Mr Vincent's office.

There's no-one there.

- But someone was here.

60, 20, 90, 20.

What's that about?

- MISS CLUTTERBUCK: - What do you mean, "buffet"?

- ANGELA: It's where one serves oneself.

- I know what a buffet is, you ninny.

Doubtless one of Vincent's dismal economies.

You can get the girl to serve me.

- Yes, Mummy.

- You've done something facetious to your hair.

Go and sort it out!

Sometimes, you know...

I'm quite overcome with an irresistible desire

to annihilate every moron

on the face of the Earth.

Like God with the flood.

This...

This urge to lay waste is in the Clutterbuck blood, I think.

I know you have it.

- All right, let's look at all the suspects so far.

Him, the American, Standing.

He's under pressure.

He's agreed to do something he doesn't want to do

and he calls himself "the executioner".

- Singers are always mixed up in the Mob.

The Mafia.

Standing's probably a hit man sent to whack Charlie.

- Whack?

Where do you get all this stuff?

- School.

- What about Crawford?

He says Charlie betrayed him and that's

obviously driven him doolally.

- Don't forget the Clutterbuck woman.

She hates everything.

Dogs, music,

Brazil, this hotel, even her own daughter.

- Dilys brought the drink.

- But Mr Vincent made it.

- Time's running out.

Somebody tried to murder Charlie.

It happened right in front of us.

And it's going to happen again unless we do something about it.

Means, motive, opportunity.

What we have to do is watch everybody like hawks.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Dad?

MUFFLED VOICE

Have I got anything formal? Are you mad?!

- Mother says she's packed you something.

- I don't care if Mum packed.

- Darn this tie!

- He's trying to tie up his tie and speak at the same time.

OK, OK.

- 20 minutes. - OK.

- Don't be late.

- OK.

Dinner in 20 minutes.

- Evening, everyone.

This way, George.

- One word and I'll smash your face in.

CHATTING AND TINKLY PIANO MUSIC

- Hello again, old sport.

- Could you get your dog off the furniture, please?

- Um, sorry.

- Why is there no butter?

- We can't have butter, Mummy.

- What?

Says who?

- Adolf Hitler.

- Him and whose army?

- His, Mummy.

- Oh, just get that Hitler on the phone!

What do you want?

- Do you mind if I join you?

- Oh!

Brown shoes at dinner.

That's how it starts.

What next? Men carrying parcels in public,

reversing in the waltz?

Oh, get about your business, silly boy.

- Miss Clutterbuck's too busy being obnoxious

to have the time to go around killing people.

- Back in a minute.

- Dilys, can I ask you a question about Charlie?

What was he like, before he was famous?

- Oh, he was always famous, in a way.

So talented.

Always bashing away at the piano.

Once, I made a jelly

and he sat down and wrote a song about it, straight off.

- He must have really liked you.

- No, love. He liked the jelly.

- Are you happy here?

- Um...

..reasonably.

Mr Vincent's always been good to me.

As good as he can be,

given the circumstances.

- Oh, thank you...

- Ah, senorita!

My daughter, George.

- Encantada.

And your wife?

- Inspector Monroe has decided

the vicar dropped the monocle in the font.

But my wife - not convinced.

- Mum's book. She's busy.

- Ah, the Muse is a fickle mistress.

Where were we, Professor?

- Well... Well, I, um...

I rather wanted you to explain

how magicians harness energy.

In fact, I demand it.

- You better rethink everything fast.

- Dad, I have to go talk to Cab Vee.

- I'm staying.

- Be-Because he's famous.

- But we're talking to the senorita.

- I think, Professor,

it is an act of diplomacy.

Your daughter sees that her pretty dress is the same colour as mine.

We cannot dine at the same table.

She sacrifices herself.

- Well, oh...

How...?

- Magic.

- Mm.

- Mr Crawford.

You said that Charlie betrayed you.

How?

- I wrote his songs, that's how.

- You're a musician?

- Oh, yes.

Before I started selling insurance.

We collaborated on his version of Jumping Jive.

I wrote Hop-Headed Woman.

And Gasoline Gal.

Ten weeks,

top of the charts.

- You must have made a lot of money.

- You'd expect so, wouldn't you?

- So you're here to sort things out?

- One way of putting it.

The main thing, sport, is to look the snake right in the eyes.

Do you know what you do then?

Cut off its head.

- We're not going to let that happen.

- Are we not?

Oh, dear, that's a nuisance.

Think again, Crawford.

Best we keep you out the way, then.

- Do you really have no idea who might be trying to kill you?

- No.

Anyway, whatever it is that's heading my way, maybe I deserve it.

- Why won't you take this seriously?

- Listen, I arrived in New York with no money in my pocket,

no change of clothes...

..no reputation except the bad one I left at home.

Just a fistful of songs.

You know what happened then?

I became a star.

Point is, I can look after myself.

And I reckon you're the same.

No, you're not the same.

You're better.

You wouldn't leave anybody in the lurch.

You wouldn't steal to get yourself a ticket to America.

You and your cousins...

Cousins?

You're the future.

If the world makes it out of this war, it's going to belong to you.

Your generation.

You have to make sure you run it right.

- What does Mr Standing want?

- You been spying on me, miss?

- Only a little.

- Standing works for Chessboard Records.

They're just disappointed with some of the decisions I've made recently.

That's all.

Oh.

Time to fire up Cab Vee.

- Is he someone different?

- Very.

I couldn't go out onstage as Charlie Vincent.

I'd just die.

- Ladies and gentlemen!

For your exclusive entertainment, Mr Cab Vee

and his Bandits

will shortly be performing in the ballroom!

- Oh, hell on Earth!

Come on, chaps and chapesses,

we don't want to miss the opener.

It could be one of mine!

Mm.

- Deboodledy-ack deboodledy-ackasaki!

Oh wang, tang-di-dah - Hip, hip

- Gonna tell you 'bout the jumpin' jive

Jim jam jump, the jumpin' jive

Cat's gonna beat you off this mellow drive

Beat it out on the mellow side

Boy! - What, you gotta say that again

- Oh boy! - What, you gotta say that again

- Call 'em all, show 'em all, Swanee shore

Let me dig that jive once more

Boy! - Bring 'em all down to the 'gator

- Oh, boy - Gonna be a fine little 'gator

- Now can't you hear those hep cats call?

Come on, boys, let's have a ball

- Jim, jam, jump is a jumping jive

- Makes you dig your jibe on the mellow side

Hep, hep

The jim, jam, jump on the solid jive

Makes you dig your jibe on the mellow side

Hep, hep

- Hep, hep

- The jim, jam, jump is the solid jive

Makes you nine foot tall when you're four foot five...

- Where's Julian?

- The jim, jam, jumpin' jive makes you...

- We've lost Julian.

- I think I saw him going into the bar.

Good heavens.

- I don't know how to make it stop.

- If only we could get it on film.

We could blackmail him for decades.

- Let's go find your brother. - Yeah.

- TIMMY BARKS

- Oh, hello. - May I have the honour?

TIMMY BARKS

TIMMY WHINES

- He was here, but why would he just leave this?

- Just a minute.

- The music is wrong.

The drum bit doesn't fit.

- That's not the drums.

- MUFFLED CRIES

Help!

Crawford!

Crawford! He's got a knife.

He's going to kill Charlie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CAB VEE PLAYS PIANO

Blue again

It's you again

Here comes the same old fear...

Thank you.

Thank you all very much.

We're going to take a break from here.

AUDIENCE: - Awww!

- Ah...

- MAN CHUCKLES

- You've been avoiding me.

Why?

- Why do you think?

- OK.

This is exceptionally dangerous.

- We're doing this because it's dangerous.

I wrote those songs.

Me.

Everything you have, you've stolen. - No, no...

- You thieving dog! It's all mine!

- Crawford, calm down.

- A-buh-ba-bum-ba-da-da-da, ba-da-da-ba-da-da...

THEY GRUNT

BLADE SLASHES

- Julian!

- I don't need eyes to find you!

- Calm down. - George!

- We wrote those songs together, then I bought you out, fair and square.

It's not a crime I was more successful.

- Aargh!

En garde, you little toerag!

Oh.

Oh, you got him.

Well done.

- My card. - Come on! Move!

Charlie... Charlie...

- I'm OK, really.

- They loved you, Charlie.

They loved you!

- They loved Cab Vee.

You saved my life again.

Thank you. Second time you've done it.

- Let's just hope there's not a third.

- That's not the end of it?

- Crawford told me he wanted to look you in the eye when he killed you.

But whoever put the acid in your drink didn't care about that,

they just wanted you dead.

- So that means there's someone else...

- The Bandits. Do you trust them?

- With my life.

- Charlie, you should go to your room and lock the door.

- As should you.

I don't know what's going on - plus ca change - but enough is enough.

First thing tomorrow, we're leaving.

All of us.

Assemble here in reception at nine o'clock.

This place is simply too dangerous.

I suggest that, like Mr Vee here, we all go to our rooms.

Now!

- I'm going to go tell Wentworth.

- You can't leave me.

I need you here.

You cannot let that tiresome man obstruct our mission.

- That "tiresome man", Wentworth, is my father.

- I can't be held responsible for that.

George...

..I'm distraught.

Look at me being distraught.

- What do you mean, "our" mission? What do you contribute?

- I contribute...

..Gabriela.

Hmm.

Time to crank her up a bit.

- What are you really up to?

- I've done some...

..regrettable things. - You don't say?!

- But...

..what I have seen in the future has changed me.

We are at the threshold of a global cataclysm.

What an achievement it would be if right here,

right now, we could stop death in his tracks.

- You're a terrible person.

- Have you never wanted to be wicked?

There.

That hesitation, there's the proof.

You envy me my freedom.

The freedom to simply be bad...

..because one can.

You'd love it.

- You have no idea what I'd love.

QUIET SOBBING

- Anne...

Hey. Are you all right?

- I was dreaming about Mummy and Daddy.

Sorry. - Don't be sorry.

I miss them too.

- What's going to happen, Dick?

We can't stop the war and we can't stop the killer and we're supposed

to sing Green Grow the Rushes, O

all together on my birthday,

and the world's going so fast and everything's so awful now and sad.

- MALE VOICES: I've always dealt squarely with you. - Charlie, you got a minute?

- Mr Vincent, I've been trying to tell you,

the fact of the matter is I haven't been paid for three months...

..not a penny, and all my clothes are all falling apart and...

Mr Vincent, I just feel spent.

- Can I show you something?

The cupboard...

..is empty.

It's over.

Nothing left, my dear.

When these guests settle up, I shall give all the money to you,

and, erm...

..that'll be the end of the Prospect Hotel.

- I know what I want to do, and what I have to do.

- You know what, pal? It's a death wish.

You actually want to die.

Well, I hope you get a kick out of it, brother,

cos it could be coming sooner than you think.

- Now, THAT was a threat.

- Dad, we think there's someone else who's trying to kill Charlie.

- I don't want to hear it.

- Oh, come on, Dad, but this simply isn't fair.

- George, call the Fairness Police.

I want everybody in the truck.

I'm going to go and fetch your mother.

- Professor!

You have regarded the perfection of the day?

- Uh, good morning. Not as such, no.

- The elements align superbly for my demonstration.

You have not forgot?

The time has come for me to expose the limits of your science, hmm?

I will take you to the place where the ley lines meet.

Professor, vamos!

You gave your word.

- You shouldn't go back on your word, Dad.

That wouldn't be tennis.

- Cricket!

- Whatever.

Very bad example to us.

- Quite so, George.

Science or sorcery? Let us resolve today.

- Right.

One hour, and then we are going straight home,

and I'm going to be very strict about it.

- Senorita, lead the way.

- Standing's on another call.

- And that is what you want me to do?

Because the consequences will be irreversible.

You understand that?

PHONE: - And do you understand I pay your wages?

- Then I shall do it immediately.

GEORGE: Come on, quickly!

TIMMY WHINES

to kill you.

- He's the one who put the acid in your drink, and just now he was

on the telephone to the American ordering him to do it now.

- KNOCK ON DOOR

TIMMY BARKS

That must be him!

- Charlie, open up!

- What is it, Standing?

- You've got your war.

- Charlie... - Don't do it!

I explained you wouldn't budge, and they said OK.

A few expletives at first, but in the end, OK.

So you're free to go

and get yourself shot to pieces for King and Country,

you colossal dodo.

I've revised the contract accordingly.

- Can somebody please explain?

- I came back to England because I want to fight for my country.

My record label - him - would prefer me not to.

They tripled my money - is that still the deal? - Mm-hm.

- They want me to stay safe in America.

But if England falls, even America won't be safe.

If the contract lets me fight, I'll sign it.

- The money will be arriving shortly,

in war-proof form.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

- So if it isn't Mr Standing, or Crawford, or Charlie's dad,

then who put the acid in Charlie's drink?

- KNOCK ON DOOR

- Somebody's been busy on the black market.

- Maybe you shouldn't eat that.

- Fans always send me gifts. It's harmless.

- HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

- That's not funny.

- What about the, er, Lady of Spain? Miss Harry Specs?

What's her story? Or his, for that matter?

They're both a curried egg short of the full picnic if you ask me.

- He agrees, look.

- Stop! There's something wrong with that fruit!

TIMMY WHINES AND BARKS

- George, not absolutely everybody in the world is trying to kill me.

Sometimes people just want to do nice things.

- Oh... She's not endemic to the British Isles.

- CHARLIE GASPS

ANNE SCREAMS

TIMMY BARKS

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....

- Dick, what the heck is that?

- Oh...

Venom-wise, she's number one.

Super-deadly.

Wandering Spider from Brazil.

Brazil means Clutterbuck.

- Are you sure you know where you're going?

- This is the place where the ley lines embrace. - Hmm.

- Here I can demonstrate the feeblyness of your science.

You say "feeblyness of science"?

- Er, not often, senorita.

- But the land knows I am about to disclose its secrets.

Mirar!

It fights back.

It sends the fog to confound us.

No matter.

Extract your compass.

- Oh, all right. - It will fail you.

What you shall observe is the energy of angels.

- What I shall observe...

..will be elementary physics.

Good lord!

Good heavens.

Senorita?

Very well.

Now, allowing for barometric irregularity,

taking into account the curvature of the Earth, I say...

- SQUELCH!

- Oh! Argh! Oh, crikey!

Oh!

Senorita?!

- Ah, George, I'm looking for Dad.

- Er, he went on a walk on the ridge.

- Without you? He'll get lost.

- He went with that wiggly Spanish lady he was dancing with.

- Well, he'll probably be all right, then. Where are you go...?

Senorita...

..where's my husband?

Quentin?

- What is Quentin?

- Lost any big spiders lately?

- What gives you the right to be so pert?

- I don't know, maybe the fact that

you keep trying to kill Charlie Vincent.

- The music was revolting

but it doesn't quite deserve the death penalty.

- Then why plant a Brazilian Wandering Spider in his fruit bowl?

- Are you following any of this?

- You've just got back from Brazil, you said so, so it's obviously you.

- Could I possibly have a word with you people -

in private?

- Children! Goodness, shouldn't be allowed out.

Nasty children!

Don't like you!

- We never went to Brazil.

She controls the money and there isn't any money.

We can't all up sticks for New York, you know.

- I thought she was rich.

- She pretends to be rich because, for her, that's good manners.

- Angela!

Come here!

- So nobody's been to Brazil?

- Well, that spider didn't just walk here from South America.

- Julian, please tell Mr Vincent

to gather everyone on the list in the bar.

I know who the killer is.

- COMPASS TICKS WILDLY

Iron! Iron!

Einstein, you can come out from behind the sofa!

- Professor Barnard, I presume?

- Fanny! Oh, my darling, I am so happy.

Do you see this rock?

It's full of iron!

It's a giant magnet.

It's not magic, it's science.

- I think in future, we might put you on a lead.

- Ladies and gentlemen... - Oh!

Is there much more of this?

- ..someone in this room has tried to kill Charlie Vincent, AKA Cab Vee,

and they have failed.

Twice.

We believe that that person will try again.

- Crawford isn't in this room.

- Crawford doesn't count.

That was an act of madness.

The acid and the spider were carefully planned.

So, first, Mr Vincent.

Your hotel is broke.

You blame Charlie for refusing to take on the burden of the business,

for legging it to America,

but you feel sorrow, rather than anger.

You wouldn't kill your own son.

In fact, you helped save his life.

You are not the assassin.

- Huh. Mm.

- Next, Mr Standing.

Sent here to prevent Charlie joining the Army,

not least by means of bribery.

- Substantial bribery, old boy.

- So it's in your interest to protect him.

You also are not the killer.

- Is this tonight's 'entertainment'?

- It's pretty slim.

- Miss Clutterbuck,

you openly despise Charlie Vincent.

You loathe jazz music because it represents freedom and joy.

You're a snob and a bully and a deeply unpleasant person.

No offence.

But you also are not the murderer.

All these people can be set aside,

for the person we seek

is even now determined to close their hands around the throat

of Charlie Vincent.

Miss Angela...

..your arms are itchy.

Mosquitoes in Brazil are very fierce,

but not as fierce as the Wandering Spider you brought back.

- I said we never went to Brazil.

- You did say.

But that was a lie.

When Charlie upped sticks for New York, he left behind a broken heart.

Yours.

For you and he were once romantically connected,

were you not?

You were in love.

And now you are jealous, vengeful

and, like those mosquitoes, hungry for blood.

In short, you ARE a killer.

- I'm sorry, but that's not right.

I was in love, yes, but it wasn't with Angela Clutterbuck.

Are we done? Whilst I appreciate your efforts, this is all too much.

- Miss Angela,

what is it that you're not telling us? - You fatuous child!

It's the simpering waitress, she's the one.

She adored him. They were romantically connected for years.

Then he shoved off to New York and she broke into a million pieces.

No-one hates Cab quite as vividly as she does.

Dilys. I'm talking about Dilys.

ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC

DOOR CLOSES

I've just written the ending.

This B flat up the top's gone dead,

so try not to hear that.

So true again

No, you again

The same from year to year

Each day I wish my life away

Wishing that you were near...

Leaving you here was the biggest mistake of my life.

Every day I've wanted to tell you that,

and every day I've failed,

even here.

So I guess I deserve what I deserve.

- Did you write that for me?

- It's called A Sad Song For Dilys,

so I think I must have.

I behaved disgracefully to you.

And I'm very...

..very sorry.

- She's hypnotised him!

This is the vision, he can't defend himself.

- Wait.

Look and learn.

- You.

It was always you.

- So it wasn't murder, it was...

..that stuff? Yuck!

- Hey, detectives.

A guy usually gets to do this in private,

but I guess you have to work with what you've got.

Dilys Shepherd, will you marry me?

- Yes!

Yes, Charlie, I will, yes!

- So...

I'm so confused.

Dilys, you didn't come here to murder Charlie?

- I didn't know what I came here for.

I just...

..knew I had to be alone with him.

- You dreamt it all wrong.

- It wasn't a dream, it was a vision.

You impetuous fools.

Death is bearing down on this man here, now.

- Everyone who doesn't want to get shot, move!

I'm the one whose life you ruined, Charlie.

I'd been scrimping and saving for years,

to get away from my mother,

the ghastly toboggan-faced old hag!

Every time she left sixpence for a tip, I'd go back and get it.

I'd pick up pennies in the street.

The collection plate comes round for the offertory hymn,

I'd take from it.

All I wanted was enough money to get a ticket to...anywhere.

To get away.

And you sneaked into my room and you stole it, you...

..sneaking, sneak thief!

- Wait, wait, wait. - Just a minute!

I have an idea.

I don't know how much money Charlie stole from you...

- A lot.

�200.

- 203.

- 203.

Cool. So here's my vision of the future...

..Charlie pays the �203 back...

..with interest, now.

Agreed? - Of course, yes.

- Meanwhile, Charlie marries Dilys, joins the army,

beats up Hitler and writes hundreds of fantastic songs

to inspire the whole country and make everyone feel brilliant.

Except your mother, who will hate every single minute of it.

So just stop this now, Angela.

- You stop it!

- I said it first.

- She did, actually.

- ANGELA SOBS

Well done.

Right decision.

- But you might have to go to prison for a little bit.

- SOBBING CONTINUES

- Always has to be the centre of attention. Hmm!

- Relax, your property's undamaged.

- It's your property I'm thinking of. - HE WHISTLES

- I said we made your money war-proof.

You're being paid - open up - in gold.

Three beautiful babies.

What'll you do with 'em?

- Simple division - one for my father,

to rescue the Prospect and pay the staff what they're owed,

one to be held in a fund for Angela, for pinching her savings,

and one for Dilys, because I love her.

- HE CHUCKLES INCREDULOUSLY

- Mr Vincent,

will you kindly secure this case in the hotel safe?

- My pleasure, sir.

- Thank you.

Charlie?

Can you find it in your heart...

..to forgive me...

..my dear son?

Oh!

I'll just...

Safe...

- Listen, all,

now might be the time to tell you that this afternoon,

your Uncle Quentin had a telegram.

- "Flap on. Presence required abroad.

"Any chance our lot stay Kirrin immediate future? Gilly and Jack."

Oh, that's fantastic!

- How can you be happy?

I mean, Kirrin, that's wonderful,

but Mum and Dad are heading into danger on my birthday.

- Chin up, sis.

We have to be brave about stuff when we can.

It's our war effort.

- Like the whale fat.

- There's something bugging me.

Do you remember the numbers on the wall?

- 60, 20, 90, 20. Of course. What about them?

- I think I know what they mean.

- Hat off in the house, Wentworth.

- And you, Gabriela. Not your colour.

- Children, I'm busy.

- All lies.

Everything you said, lies.

- You've been spying on this room since the day you got here.

You've known for a long time how to open that safe.

But you had to wait,

because you knew the gold was on its way.

- The money will be arriving shortly, in war-proof form.

- That meant Charlie had to stay alive, yes.

But only long enough for him to sign the new contract.

You didn't care about his life at all.

- Look, all this is just a little taking things

from other people's lives to improve your own, you know?

- I really thought you'd become a good person.

- Oh, spare me the moral flagellation.

I'm not used to being poor. I don't like it.

Neither does she.

- We can't all be riff-raff.

- Is this all you are, Wentworth?

Another sneak thief?

- No, my dear.

I'm also your teacher.

And this particular lesson...

..is concluded.

- DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

TIMMY BARKS

TIMMY BARKS

- My ankle!

Thomas!

- Sorry, my dear, but...

..I really need this gold.

- SHE GROANS

TIMMY BARKS

- That way.

Into the marsh.

- JULIAN: - Wentworth!

- GEORGE: Wentworth, stop! Wentworth!

That's a marsh, it's dangerous! You have to stop!

- Damn!

- HE GROANS

Wentworth! ANNE: - He's stuck!

- GRUNTING AND SQUELCHING

- He's sinking.

- Sorry, children, I don't wish to be rude because, inexplicably,

I've...grown rather fond of you, but what did you say?

- You're sinking.

- We have to get him out of there.

- Wentworth, grab hold of me.

Drop the bag and take my hand. Grab my hand.

- Wentworth, please!

- Look, Wentworth, I know you said you wanted to stop death in his tracks.

I know you were lying. But I'm not.

Wentworth, I want you to live.

- Oh...

Save me, children! Save me!

- HE SCREAMS

- Pull!

- Timmy, this has to be all five of us, OK?

Pull on the rope, pull on the rope!

ALL STRAIN AND GRUNT

Nobody's going to die today! Nobody!

WENTWORTH PANTS

- The truth is, estimado,

I've never greatly enjoyed being with you.

- Well...

..I don't like being with me either...

..but it's something we both have to put up with.

- There's no "have to", Thomas,

because there's no "we both".

- Hasta manana.

- Your Spanish, like everything else, is inadequate.

You mean adios.

- TIMMY BARKS

- Come on! - Pull, Timmy, pull!

Good boy!

- You've got this, Julian. - Pull, Julian!

- Yes, that's it!

- Yes, you've got it!

- We did it, we got the gold!

- Good boy, Timmy!

- It's OK.

You do look a bit like a panda,

but there's always something nice to look forward to.

Tomorrow's my birthday!

- Finished.

Detective Monroe finally tracked down the murder victim's

missing monocle in a spooky old hotel.

But where, exactly? Three guesses.

Julian?

- Behind a painting with fake eyes?

- Oh, I like it.

No. George?

- In a sulphuric acid martini, dissolving.

- Very stylish.

No.

One more guess. Dick?

- In the piano.

- Good grief.

How did you know that?

- It's trapped under the B flat.

That's why the note can't sound.

- Richard Barnard,

if I were wearing a hat, I would sweep it off to you.

I may even put one on just for that purpose.

What's the matter with Anne?

- Oh...

There's this thing we do at home, on her birthday.

It's so silly. We sing this song, Green Grow. - Mm?

- Mum and Dad sing the question bit and we sing the answer bit, but...

..I think she's just a bit sad that we can't all be together.

- Look...

..we have a tradition in this household

where you get to open one present before the cake.

I get to choose.

Anne? - Mm!

- This one came this afternoon.

Gramophone, please. - Mm-hm.

- QUENTIN CHUCKLES

- May I?

- WOMAN ON RECORD: Is it recording? Oh, right.

- TIMMY BARKS

Hello, my darlings.

I'm here with Daddy in a recording studio... - Hello, Team B.

- And Daddy!

- ..and this is our birthday present to Anne.

I've asked Aunt Fanny to hand this over at the right moment.

Right, are you ready?

BOTH: I'll sing you one, O!

- We can't hear you.

- Green grow the rushes, O

- What is your one, O?

ALL: - One is one, and all alone, and evermore shall be so!

- I'll sing you two, O!

- Green grow the rushes, O!

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