Original subtitles

(wheat rustling)

(upbeat country music)

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, we're going to a party again ?

? Everyone's gonna get dressed up ?

? Ladies do their hair just right ?

? Everyone's gonna get messed up ?

? Yeah, we're gonna get drunk tonight ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? I'm gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, we're goin' to a party again ?

(upbeat country music continues)

(dramatic country music)

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Somewhere on Bourbon Street ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? I'm gonna drown my misery ?

- You don't have to cry, dear.

You should be happy.

They've saved us, all of us, we're free.

We are going home.

- I ain't so sure I wanna be free.

I liked the old hippo.

- Liked him?

He was a monster.

- No, he wasn't.

You just didn't know him like I did.

He had a heart of gold.

And speaking of gold, I was supposed to have a whole lot

of money from all I did to help this war and all.

And now Cole, who I once loved,

tells me I ain't getting nothing

'cause I fucked the old hippo to death.

- You what?

- He died making love to me.

The fat old bastard just couldn't take it.

We never should have gone for that fifth orgasm.

We should've quite at four

and then I'd be a rich woman today.

All the money they was gonna give me

from that email I got is now gonna pay

for the Liberation Army or whatever they call it.

There's a revolution in Bogatoga

and there ain't gonna be no more king.

Democracy is coming.

The world is changing so fast.

So what you gonna do with your life now, Margaret?

- I don't know what I'll do, Scarlett.

I haven't got a job and I don't have any money.

I used to live on Charing Cross Road,

but I can't afford it anymore.

That's an expensive part of London.

I guess I'll have to stay with me mum for a while.

- Margaret, what's today?

- It's Thursday.

- No, I don't mean day of the week, what's the date?

- August 31st, I think.

No, wait, it's actually September 1st.

- Oh my God, September 1st, tell me that ain't so.

- It is so, why?

- If I'm remembering right, then today's the last day

I have to claim my winnings.

- What winnings?

- I won the British lottery.

- No, how did you do that?

Do you have a winning lottery ticket?

- It's not a ticket, I got a winning email.

(dramatic music)

- The board of directors and entire staff

of the National Lottery of the United Kingdom

wish to inform you your email account has been picked

as a winner of our one million pounds sterling in cash.

However, for the release of your winnings, you are required

to appear in person not later than 5:00 p.m.

on September 1st at British Lottery Headquarters.

You must bring this email certificate with you.

Congratulations from the entire staff.

- [Scarlett] If you do not appear personally

by September 1st at 5:00 p.m., all unclaimed funds

will be returned to the European Union Treasury

as unclaimed prize money to be donated

to a charitable cause from our master list

of qualified charities.

- An email told you that you won the lottery?

- Yep.

- We do have a national sweepstakes

and they set aside part of it for random draws.

I heard that they pick email addresses at random

and notify winners by email,

most of them think it's just spam

and erase it so the money usually goes unclaimed.

- Lord Jesus, have mercy.

I might not have to work at that Firehouse after all.

- You work at a fire station, like on a fire truck?

- No, darling. Where I come from the Firehouse

is where girls take it all off

and stick their pussies in the faces

of old men they don't know.

- Sounds perfectly disgusting.

- It says it right here, I've got 'til 5:00 p.m.

What time did they say we're landing?

- Three o'clock London time.

But you're changing planes right away

to go back to the States.

- No, I ain't, not if today's my last day

to get all that money,

- They're taking you home.

- Heck if they are.

They busted me once lying

to me about my reward and all.

Fine thanks for all I get for all I've done.

They ain't gonna bust me twice.

We're getting off this plane together.

(triumphant music)

- Tourist, ma'am, or are you here on business?

- Well, I can't rightly say which.

Sorry about my appearance,

my luggage never showed up at the last airport.

- Well, you can put in a claim,

but probably your luggage will be on the next flight

from your point of origin to London.

Are you here to make money for some purpose?

- Well, not to make it, but I did win it.

- I am not sure I follow you.

- I came all the way to London

to claim my winnings in the British sweepstakes.

- Oh, well congratulations, you are a very lucky lady then.

This visa will be good for two weeks, cheerio.

(upbeat country music)

- [Scarlett] In London, I'd never seen so many tattoos,

and Lord Almighty, the piercings.

London sure has its share of weird folks.

I'd never seen nothing like them two-story buses before,

they was bigger than a house

and they was all driving on the wrong side of the road.

I'd heard from Margaret that it could be very difficult

to get a taxi in London

and sometimes you had to step into the middle

of the road to flag one down.

I didn't have to do that.

Three of them just about killed each other for the chance

to take me as their passenger.

Please take me to the lottery office,

8000C Charing Cross Road.

- 8000C Charing Cross, righto.

- What time is it, I ain't got no watch.

- 4:10.

- Oh Lord Jesus, we gonna make it before five?

- Easy, it won't take more than 20 minutes.

(upbeat country music)

- I almost died since he was still driving

on the wrong side of the road.

Everything was backwards

and the steering wheel was even

on the wrong side of the car.

No wonder the British lost the Revolutionary War

against the United States colonies back in 1775 or whenever.

They probably shipped their cars over

and drove them on the wrong side of the road

and all got killed in car crashes.

(upbeat country music continues)

- What the blimey is this?

- That's Bogatoga money.

- This won't do.

Don't you have pounds?

- I don't have pounds, but I got a few US bucks.

How much is that worth?

- That's not nearly enough, I'm afraid.

This is barely equal to three and a half pounds.

You owe me 20 pounds, taking you here all the way

from Baker Street and all that traffic

we had at Tottenham, Blimey!

- Oh dear, I ain't got 20 pounds.

Can I owe it to you?

- This is highly unusual.

- If you gimme your address, I promise I'll send it to you.

I'm a lottery winner, see,

I've got my winning email right here

and I'm in London to collect, so I have plenty of money.

I'll even send you a very generous tip.

- This has never happened before.

People always have enough money to pay me.

- I'm begging you, kind sir.

Here, let me give you a big kiss.

- Blimey.

- I reached around to the back of his head

and pulled his face to me.

He groaned and I could tell he was sort of in shock.

He didn't seem to object, though,

when my tongue started saying hello

to his lips in a real nice way.

While we was kissing, out of the corner of my eye

I could see that there was some of that England money

he wanted just sitting there on the little tray

between his seat and the one next to him.

I reached around and grabbed one of them bills

that said 20 on it.

By the time I let go of his head

and the kiss was over, I'd slipped

that 20 pounds into my purse.

Oh look, I do have England money after all.

There you are, thanks a bunch.

- Wait a minute, ma'am.

I believe that's my money.

- That's right, it's yours now, I just paid you.

- Blimey.

(upbeat country music)

(dog growling)

- Let me go, please, doggy.

I screamed.

(Scarlett screaming) (dog growling)

Let me go, you mutt bastard.

Please, doggy, let me go.

I don't taste that good

and I'm sorry I called you a mutt bastard.

You look like a nice doggy

I used to know back home named Muffin.

She was Mary Lou's dog.

You two would be good friends if I introduced you,

if Muffin was alive, that is.

When I mentioned Muffin,

His teeth sank down into me.

It was like he knew what I'd done,

like I'd killed one of his relatives or something.

I didn't know what else to do

and all I could think of was that the minutes

was passing me by and the darn lottery office

was gonna close for the day before I got there.

This dumb dog was gonna cost me two million bucks

plus I'd probably never be able to walk again.

Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kill Muffin.

I loved Muffin, I love all little doggies.

It was an accident and what else should I have done

but bury Muffin like I did?

I'm sure Muffin is in doggy heaven and all.

I choked the dog enough so that he finally yelped

and stopped chomping on me.

I only knew I was gonna pass out

if I didn't get that piece of paper

that said I'd won the lottery.

(dramatic country music)

(siren blaring)

- Perhaps I can be of some service to you, ma'am.

- Yep, you certainly may, Agatha,

or should I call you Miss Buggs?

- Mrs. Buggs will be fine, thank you.

Have you arrived to handle some sort of business

or are you an American tourist that the wind has just,

as we say, blown in through the front door?

- I'm a sweepstakes winner

and it looks like I have exactly, praise the Lord,

I have 10 minutes left to collect my winnings.

- Do you have your award certificate?

- I have an email.

- That will do.

We notify all our winners by email.

- I sort of fished around in my purse hoping I still had

my official notification from the British lottery.

After poking around for a while,

I got so lucky my heart started pounding.

It was there in the zipper part at the back of the purse.

All I could think of was, thank you, Lord Jesus, I found it.

- There's no lottery ticket number on this.

- But it says I won.

- No number, no winner.

- Ma'am, I have come a very long way

to make it here in time to get rich and all.

I've been summoned to Washington DC by a summons.

I've been raped, and seduced,

and yelled at by mean taxi drivers.

I've been kidnapped and taken to Africa,

where they've married me off to the king of Bogatoga.

I've escaped from that country with bombs going off

all around me and I've practically been eaten alive

by a wild dog on the streets of your city.

And the wind outside almost got me killed while I was

chasing this darn piece of paper into the street

where every single car was driving

on the wrong side of the road.

Now please, ma'am, I'm asking you real polite,

just gimme my money, okay?

I don't need no lottery ticket number.

Where does it say I need it?

- It says here that this email notification

serial number 536802

and that your email address was assigned

the lucky numbers 18, 20, 22, 30, 32, 39

and bonus ball 03 in the lotto.

That's all very fine and good

and congratulations, once again, by the way,

because those actually are the winning numbers.

And it does appear that this was sent

by Arthur Cheesebury, our senior Vice President

of the International Sweepstakes.

But this piece of paper is torn

in the upper left-hand corner.

Oh dear, the lottery ticket number should be there

and it's missing.

Without that, you haven't won anything.

- Ms. Buggs, I mean Mrs. Buggs,

do you have a phone?

Could I make one long distance phone call

to the United States?

- Where in the United States?

- I wanna call my daddy at the Outside-In Trailer Park,

which is in Honeysuckle Grove, Alabama.

This came to me on my daddy's computer.

He could look up my email account real fast

and forward the email to you at this office.

Then if you could be so kind just to print it out here,

that would take care of everything, right?

Right?!

- You only have six minutes.

That would take a miracle.

- Ma'am, you might not believe it,

but I am on very good terms with the good lord Jesus.

I am right with God and God is gonna grant me that miracle.

(phone ringing)

- Hello, who is it?

- - Daddy, I'm so glad you're there.

It's me, Scarlett, calling you all the way from London.

- London, what you doing in London, pigtail?

I thought you told me last time you called

you was in Boloney, Africa and that you was getting married.

- Bogatoga. Daddy, not Bologna.

- Wait a minute, you mean you're in London now,

like in England?

- Last I checked that's where London is.

- Well, I'll be, how'd you get way over yonder there?

- Nevermind, Daddy, it'd take too long to tell you.

Just tell me this, are you booted up, are you online?

- No, pigtail.

- Well, damn it, Daddy,

how long will it take you to boot up?

I need you to find me an email of mine.

- Scarlett, we ain't got email no more.

I didn't pay the bill 'cause I ain't been working.

They canceled the account.

I think you're clean outta luck.

- I wanted to kick Daddy in the butt.

I was furious.

Daddy, we're gonna discuss this long and hard

when I get home.

You promised me you'd always pay the bill.

- Sorry, sweet thing,

your daddy just couldn't afford the $10 and 95 cents.

It ain't like the old days when it used to be 7.95.

- Lord, Daddy, over three bucks a month, you canceled it?

- Three bucks is a beer and then some, pigtail.

Listen, you could try your mama, but she ain't home.

Got out of the hospital

and is shacking up with that weird old Dr. Perkins now.

- What'd Mama go and do that for?

Daddy, I ain't got no time to call Mama.

Gotta go now, bye.

? I'm lazy, I don't care, I'm lazy ?

? Ain't going nowhere, I'm lazy ?

? Gonna sit right here, and have myself another beer ?

- I hung up ready to die,

I was so weak, I even dropped my purse.

Everything fell out, my lipstick, my mascara,

and my keys to mama's car,

and a scrap of paper fell out, too.

I leaned over to pick it all up.

I unfolded that scrap of paper

and suddenly wanted to jump for joy.

It was a torn-off part of that lottery email

with a ticket number.

Glory, hallelujah.

Look here, I got it,

right here is the top of the lottery email.

It has a lottery ticket number on it.

This is ticket number 56475600545-188.

- Let me see that.

Hmm, yes, that is correct.

That's the ticket number we've been waiting for,

but it's torn.

- So what if it's torn, I have it.

- But Mr. Cheesebury usually won't accept a torn ticket.

- I wanted to strangle the bitch.

You got any Scotch tape?

- This is highly irregular.

- I taped the pieces of the winning email together.

There, it ain't torn no more, I won.

- Well, I'm not so sure we can accept this.

- Please, lady, you know I've won and I know I've won

and even Jesus knows I've won.

Now don't invoke the wrath of the Lord, you hear.

Just help me out, okay?

- Hm, I'll see if Mr. Cheesebury will certify it.

(upbeat country music)

This is your lucky day.

Mr. Cheesebury says you're a bonafide winner.

(bells ringing)

- And right at that moment, the big hand

on that clock on the wall snapped to the five

and the chimes rang and the business day was over.

I'd done it.

(triumphant fanfare music)

Sure enough, it all showed up

in my little old bank account in Honeysuckle Grove

the same day I landed home on the plane.

Anna Lou down at the Dixie Mutual told me I ought

to have a financial advisor, somebody real smart

with investments, and stocks, and bonds,

and real estate, and all that stuff.

She warned me that without the right advisor,

I might end up like lots of other folks she'd seen

who had money one day and went belly-up the next.

So she fixed me up with her cousin, Charlie Brent Hodgkins,

who worked for an investment firm in Mobile.

It was called the

Leroy Lynch Financial Investments Management Firm

and Charlie got me an appointment with Leroy Lynch himself.

He wasn't related to Merrill Lynch or nobody like that,

but good old Leroy was famous

for making his clients lots of money.

Well, first off, I think I'd like to buy

the Outside-In Trailer Park. That way Daddy won't have

to pay mortgage no more on Mama's trailer.

In fact, I could put Daddy in charge of the trailer park,

which would make him mighty happy.

He wouldn't have to work down at the docks no more.

I was mad at him for a while,

but I've forgiven him for canceling the internet,

and my email account and all.

- You'd have to talk to the current owners

and see if they're willing to sell the lot.

If so, then you'll have to get everything appraised

and make an offer and we can advise you from there.

What else do you want?

- And I'd kind of like to buy the Pizza Doodle

and I'll give it a new name.

I'm thinking about calling it the Leanin' Tower of Pizza.

My cousin Bobby Roy Jr.,

and his daddy, and me were talking about it

and they said if I buy it,

they'll build me a nice tower on the roof,

which will look just like

the real Leanin' Tower of Pizza in Italy.

- That's clever, what else?

- I'd like to buy the Bowling Barn.

That way daddy could pay folks

to spray Lysol on the dirty shoes

and won't have to help Burt do it no more.

I'd probably change the name to Blossom Lanes.

Oh, and I'd also like to buy Mama a new car.

I'd been planning on buying her a new carburetor

for Blue Sally, but instead, I think we ought

to trade in Blue Sally

and I'll buy her a new Chrysler or something.

She's getting married to Doc Perkins,

but I'd still like to buy her a new car anyhow,

seeing as her birthday's coming up.

Another thing I'd like to do is maybe build me a nice estate

all my own, maybe out where Mama

and Doc Perkins live in Honeysuckle Acres.

When Elvis made it big, he bought Graceland.

I'd like to build me a place like that called Blossomland.

- Your investments will have to do really well for you

to be able to afford all that, Miss Blossom.

Two million bucks ain't what it used to be.

- Well, that's up to you folks, I reckon,

making my two million grow into 10 or 20.

Think you can do that?

- We do it all the time.

- One evening there was a knock on the trailer door

and when I opened it up, I couldn't believe my eyes

who was there. It was Cole.

He finally caught up with me.

I took him over to show him the Leanin' Tower of Pizza,

which didn't have its tower yet.

Over dinner, Cole told me there was rumors I might be coming

into some sort of inheritance from King Bagha.

Turned out that he changed his will a couple of weeks

before he croaked and I, being his 50th wife,

was mentioned in the will.

Cole wasn't for sure what I might

actually end up with because of that.

But he did say that the new government

of Bogatoga had found some valuable paintings

in a fireproof closet that had survived the fire

when the palace burned up.

How much you figure them paintings could be worth?

- Well, the Van Gogh would probably fetch somewhere

between 80 and 120 million at auction at Christopher's

or Southerly's, and the Salvador Dali is probably worth

another 30 or 40 million.

- Lord, have mercy.

I can't believe those paintings

could be worth that much money.

They weren't even any good.

I had King Bagha take 'em outta my room

and put 'em into storage.

- Fortunately, your poor taste in art saved them

from destruction during the Bogatoga revolution.

If you had left them on the walls

of your room in the Bagazamba Palace,

they probably would've been destroyed like the Monet,

and the Picasso, and Jackson Pollock paintings.

And didn't you have one by the Mexican artist, Frida Kahlo?

- I thought she was French.

- Scarlett, one of these days you're gonna have to learn

that all great artists aren't French.

- My Lord, there sure was lots of paintings

in that palace, and it's a shame it's all gone up in smoke.

- Speaking of the palace, you may end up inheriting

that, too, but there's not much left of it.

- Lord, have mercy.

- But don't count your chickens before they hatch.

First, the new government

of Bogatoga has to certify King Bagha's changes in his will.

Then they have to be transported out of the country safely.

And there's still a revolution raging there.

Anything could happen.

But with luck, if these paintings are declared to be yours

and they get safely to New York,

you'd go from being a millionaire

to being one of the richest ladies in America.

- I think I'm gonna count my chickens hatched or not.

In fact, I'm getting so hungry for chicken

that I think maybe I'm gonna buy the Cluck and Go, too.

Something weird happened to Cole

after that pizza dinner we shared.

A day later, he left town suddenly

and I got an email from him a week later telling me

he'd lost his job at the FBI.

Two weeks after that,

he wrote me a regular snail mail telling me

that Holger Dusseldorf had just gotten him a job

with Interpol and he was being assigned

to an office in India, in a city called Mumbai

or something like that.

It was a city that used to be called Bombay

back in the old days.

I was heartbroke to hear Cole Brooks was going to India,

but I reckoned I could pay him a visit once I had

all the money from them paintings.

Besides, I was already sort of attracted

to that handsome architect I hired to design me

some plans for Blossomland.

His name was Ernie Gus Birchwood,

and he was some sort of dreamboat with his blonde hair

and blue eyes, and his sweet face and all.

Of course, he was a good architect, too.

Ernie had all sorts of great ideas for Blossomland,

especially for the way he was gonna design the ceiling

of my bedroom at my estate.

It was gonna be amazing,

better even than the ceiling showing George Washington

crossing the Mississippi in that hotel in Washington D.C.

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

(upbeat country music)

? She's a trailer park beauty with big brown eyes ?

? Born a Dixie rose under Alabama skies ?

? 18 years old, strawberry blonde hair ?

? Gonna find her a pot and go somewhere ?

? If she don't play possum ?

? Scarlet May Blossom ?

(upbeat country music continues)

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

(upbeat country music continues)

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

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