Original subtitles

(upbeat country music)

? I'm gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? I'm going to buy me a bottle of gin ?

? I'm gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, we're going to a party again ?

? Everyone's going to get dressed up ?

? Ladies do their hair just right ?

? Everyone's going to get messed up ?

? Yeah, we're going to get drunk tonight ?

? Going buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, we're going to a party again ?

(exciting music) (sirens howling)

(music ending)

- Next thing I knew I was being helped outta the car

by an officer with a very stern look on his face.

None of the cops around us looked friendly at all.

I was sorta of dizzy, so I'm not sure I counted right,

but I remember about 10 police cars and 20 cops in all.

I figured we'd be headline news for sure,

and then I thought about my poor mama

and how she would cry and blame herself

when she heard about all this

for giving me such a trailer trash upbringing and all.

Thank you for rescuing me.

This man kidnapped me

and forced me to get into this stolen car.

- What's your name, ma'am?

- I'm Scarlett May Blossom

and I was on my way to testify for a grand jury

when this man, Travis Lee Wilde

conned me and then raped me and kidnapped me

and nearly got me killed when he refused to stop driving

that car he stole.

You'll find the grand jury summons in my purse

if you don't believe me.

I'm a very important witness in the government case

against some child molesters.

And officer, it would be so kind

if you could take me to FBI Agent Cole Brooks

at the J. Edgar Hoover FBI Headquarters in Washington DC,

capital of the United States of America,

so help me God.

(audience applauding)

I was finally with Cole Brooks,

who was there in the backseat of the limo with me

and he told me that Travis's real name

was Brett Lester Billows

and that Brett was wanted for theft

and bigamy in four states.

He had wives in Utah, Montana, Louisiana, and Arkansas.

Well, I'd really like to see the White House.

Always wanted to see it,

so I sure hope you have some time

to take me sightseeing while I'm here.

- Well, unfortunately there won't be much time for that.

- I'm gonna be busy, is that it?

- Yes, ma'am.

You're on official business now.

- Yeah, I remember,

but I sure wish we could

get the testifying stuff all done with,

so we could have a little time together

to look around Washington, DC just a bit, you know?

I don't get out of the trailer park much.

- This isn't gonna be easy, Scarlett.

You're in more trouble than you know.

The main thing is,

we have to get your testimony

in the Clarence and Martha Zimmer case

and then we can try

to clean up this mess about Sheriff Peabody.

- I didn't have nothing to do

with Sheriff Peabody getting shot.

I read it in the papers, like everybody else.

- I know that, but there are a lot of other people

who think you were responsible.

We know they're wrong and we're on top of everything.

We're the good guys,

God, truth, and the American way,

but there's a limit to what we can do to protect you.

Ever since you've been corresponding with Dr. Maghu

from the bank of Africa,

you have been what we call a person of interest.

- Well, thank you very much.

Didn't know I was that interesting.

- Just don't try to keep any secrets from me, okay?

It won't work,

and then everything will be all right,

just as long as nobody turns up your fingerprints

on the gun that killed Sheriff Peabody.

- But Cole, I never touched the murder weapon!

I don't know nothing about no murder weapon.

- I know that, sweetheart.

- Thank you, darling.

Thank you for calling me sweetheart.

- That was just a figure of speech.

- Well, no matter how you figure that speech,

I have to admit,

I do fancy your thinking of me as your sweetheart.

- I do not think of you as my sweetheart, Scarlett.

You are here under government subpoena.

Please don't have any misunderstanding about that.

There is nothing emotional between us.

Absolutely nothing.

If there were, it would be a serious conflict

of interest on my part

and it could jeopardize the value

of your testimony in court.

- Well, you don't have to get so snippy.

(upbeat music)

(music ending)

- This is your per diem, Scarlett.

- My what?

- Per diem, spending money,

- You mean I get free money?

- It's not exactly free money.

You're granted a per diem to

cover your out of pocket expenses

while you're here in Washington

for the purpose of testifying.

It's not much, but I'm sure it'll be sufficient

for your incidentals.

- Well, thank you very much.

- Scarlett, I'd like to have the pleasure

of introducing you to the government's prosecutor

in the case of the United States

versus Clarence and Martha Zimmer.

This is Edward Lawrence.

There's a lot of bad people locked up today thanks

to Edward.

- Well, I'm certainly glad to hear that.

I think bad people should be locked up.

Very pleased to meet you, Edward.

Oh, excuse me.

I hope I'm not being too forward

calling you by your first name and all.

- That's fine, in fact, call me Eddie.

I've heard a lot about you, Scarlett.

- All of it good, I hope.

- We have a lot to talk about.

The federal government has been developing a case

against the Zimmers for over four years

and your testimony will help us nail them,

but testifying won't be easy.

I know you understand that I am only interested

in the facts and the absolute un-tarnished truth

as you remember it from the day you were molested by them.

That may prove difficult.

Their defense attorney will certainly not be your friend

and he will probably object many times.

I expect they've done their homework too.

They've probably dug up a lot of stuff on you

and some things may come out in the trial

that could upset you.

In fact, that's why I was so anxious to speak

to you before you testify.

- I ain't ashamed of nothing I've done.

- Good.

That's what I want to hear.

So no matter what they say

and what they accuse you of having done,

just remember, you are not ashamed.

You haven't done anything against the law.

- They're gonna mention about Sheriff Peabody

getting shot and killed outside of my mama's trailer?

- They will be allowed to bring up what they wish

to try to discredit your testimony as a witness.

I'll object of course,

but there's no telling what might happen.

It's come to my attention

that at your young age,

you're 18, is that correct?

- Yes, sir, as of recently.

- And from what Cole tells me,

you've had quite an active sex life

since you've reached legal age.

- I don't hardly see what my sex life

since I became of legal age and all

has to do with something unspeakable

that happened to me when I was still a minor,

meaning that awful day

at the Church of the Holy Moanin' Tabernacle

with them Zimmer folks.

Why, that has scarred me for life

and from ever going to church again!

- It may seem irrelevant,

but their defense attorney will try to put that blame on you

claiming that you were guilty of seductive behavior.

They'd like to establish a pattern of that kind

of behavior beginning before you were 18

and continuing immediately afterwards.

And then there's the rather unfortunate business

of those episodes with your algebra teacher.

I've read over the hearing transcripts.

It's rather ambiguous as to

what extent you engaged in the alleged sexual intercourse

with him prior to your 18th birthday,

and that can be easily misconstrued.

- I see.

I'm not so sure I wanna go through with this.

Could somebody just get me a sandwich

and put me back on a bus to Alabama?

- Unfortunately that's not possible, Scarlett.

You're under federal subpoena to testify.

You have to answer every question

unless of course you feel it could lead

to self-incrimination.

- So I don't have to say nothing then?

- It is your constitutional right

to take the Fifth Amendment.

- Can I take the Fourth amendment too

and the Third?

- The Fifth is the one that applies in this case.

It's your right to refuse to testify on the grounds

that your answer might tend to incriminate you.

Of course, we'd like you to answer as many of our questions

as you possibly can.

Now, if you would like to have private counsel

to advise you before you testify,

that is your right also.

- Oh, Eddie, I don't mind us talking like this.

I'm sure we've got a lot in common.

Maybe we could even be friends when we get

to know each other a little better.

I do have just two requests, however.

- [Eddie] And what would those be, ma'am?

- Well, number one, I got a little tickle in my throat,

so a glass of water would be quite helpful.

Not more than one cube of ice, please.

And I noticed with all them books that you got around here,

there must be a dictionary, right?

Could I borrow one for a minute?

How do you spell that word again,

criminalate?

- Incriminate.

I-N-C-R-I-M-I-N-A-T-E.

- [Scarlett] I didn't rightly know

what the word incriminate meant.

- Scarlett, I'd like

to introduce you to our other friend here.

This is Mr. Holger Dusseldorf from Germany.

He's a member of Interpol,

that's the international police force,

and he has been at the forefront of tracking pedophiles,

perverts, and white slavers in every country in the world.

- My jaw fell open.

In fact, if the truth be told,

I almost peed in my panties when I heard his name.

Well, I thought you was dead.

You died in a plane crash

and didn't leave behind no heirs I heard.

(lightning striking)

- I'm hardly dead, Ms. Blossom.

My presence here today may be a bit hard

for you to understand and even difficult to explain.

- Well, go ahead and try.

- I'm not sure how much you really need to know right now,

but you could think of it this way.

Sometimes when a person is the target of many criminal

and even terrorist groups,

he becomes the victim of identity theft.

That more or less describes what happened to me.

Unfortunately, my role with Interpol

was exposed a number of months ago

by an unscrupulous columnist,

and since that time it's become more difficult operating

in the clandestine manner to which I'm accustomed.

- Well, you don't need to tell me nothing,

I don't need to know, Mr. Dusseldorf.

I'm sure you've got good reasons

for being alive when you're supposed to be dead.

- As a matter of fact, we have a very important assignment

for you if you're interested.

- What kind of assignment?

- Well, we can go over the details later.

However, we'd like you to sign a medical consent form.

- It says right here, huh?

What's this about an implant device?

This ain't one of them alien implants I heard about

from Mary Lou Rosencrantz, a lady in our trailer park

and I've seen a lot of those "X-Files" episodes too-

- This is not science fiction, Ms. Blossom.

They have a reason to believe you are in great danger.

They have delayed your testimony to the day after tomorrow.

We'd like your consent so that tomorrow we can send you

over to our private medical facility

to perform a small surgical procedure.

It'll be entirely painless.

We'd like to insert a microscopic implant

just beneath the skin,

a tracking device so we can follow you wherever you go.

It's the only way we can protect you from the people

who may be plotting to abduct you.

We are very concerned about your personal safety.

- Well, I don't know.

A real implant?

Where would you put it?

- In your shoulder.

It's a very small incision,

no detectable scar whatsoever.

It's barely larger than the head of a pin

and apart from a few brief moments of itching

for the first couple of days,

you'll never notice that the implant is there.

- You really think I need that much protection?

- Yes, I do.

Your life depends upon it.

Wouldn't you agree, Agent Brooks?

- Based on the evidence we have, yes, I'd have to agree.

- But I won't have much privacy anymore

if I agree to do that, will I?

I mean, you'll know wherever I go.

Just like if I was a car with one of them tracking systems.

Is that it?

- We'll more or less know everywhere you go.

- You'll know where I shop.

You'll know who I meet with.

You'll probably even know who I sleep with.

- And we'll also know who kidnaps you

and where they take you,

if it happens, that is.

- Good Lord, you really think I could be kidnapped?

- It could happen any day, any hour.

Remember Dr. Bandalar is on the loose.

(gun firing)

He shot Sheriff Peabody

and he wants to take you with him back to Africa.

(upbeat music)

(music ending)

- Gosh, this is where I get to sleep?

- Is this satisfactory?

- Satisfactory ain't the word.

It's ravishing!

- Good.

- You think that's good that your sweetheart

finds this room you picked out for her so ravishing and all?

- Please, please, Scarlett, I made it clear

to you that you are definitely not my sweetheart.

What would you say if I told you I'm married?

- I'd say you was a liar.

You ain't wearing no wedding ring,

but you would if you was married.

- A lot of married men don't wear wedding rings.

- Kiss me, darling.

- Please, Scarlett, you're temping me.

- What's wrong, honey?

- I can't.

- Why not?

- I've already explained:

it would compromise my job.

- Does that mean if you didn't have this job,

if you weren't an FBI agent

that you would've kissed me right then?

- Hey, you can see the Washington Monument from here.

Look! - Wow, that's it, all right.

Standing up so nice and tall,

just like a big hard boner.

- That's a very unusual description of the monument

honoring our first President.

- No, it ain't.

It's obvious what it looks like.

It's a big stone hard-on

poking up to the Lord's bright blue sky,

and I bet I know why they chose that for the design

of that there monument:

to say our country is strong and masculine

and that our leader, George Washington,

was a very well endowed man in more ways than one.

After all, he was the father of our country.

- Scarlett, I think you should know that I am a member

of a very strict group, a secret society.

We believe in chastity.

We believe that sexual exchanges between men

and women should be reserved for marriage

and then only for the purpose of procreation

when a child is desired.

- You mean you don't believe in sexual intercourse

at all unless a man and woman intend to make a baby?

- That's exactly what I believe.

- How did you ever get a silly idea like that in your head?

I mean, making babies has its place in life and all,

but the good Lord didn't invent sex

just so men and women could do it only to make babies.

If that was true, men and women would never have sex

when a woman was pregnant.

- That's what I believe, exactly.

There should be no act of sexual intercourse

when a woman is pregnant.

- So you think it's against God's plan?

If that was true,

how come a pregnant woman can still get horny?

(humming)

Whatcha doing?

(continuing to hum)

- There.

Did you feel it?

- Feel what?

- I just sent a burst of sexual energy towards you

through mental concentration.

You must have felt it.

- Yeah, well, maybe I felt it.

- Good, then you should be satisfied.

- How come?

- It's like you've had sex with me now,

but we haven't had sex.

- No, we certainly haven't had sex.

Most folks use a bed for that

and there's a very nice bed right here.

- That's the whole point, Scarlett.

We don't have to engage in an animalistic act

to acknowledge our physical attraction for one another.

- You're physically attracted to me?

You admit it?

- I don't admit anything.

I want this to stop, I must leave you now.

I hope you find this room satisfactory.

- We already discussed that

and I told you that I find it quite ravishing.

Cole, I know you love me.

You ain't married and I love you.

We belong together and we belong naked right here

in this bed with you on top of me.

- No, Scarlett, this will stop this instant.

- No, it won't.

- Yes, it will.

I've told you about the society I'm a member of.

I have told you about our beliefs:

virtue, chastity, honor.

- I'm all for virtue and honor,

but to hell with the other part.

- Please remove your hand from me.

- It feels good though, don't it?

- This discussion is now over.

Scarlett, you will find clean towels in the bathroom.

Room service is available to you, 24 hours a day

if you get hungry.

Just consult the menu by the telephone.

Feel free to call my office

and obtain any information you need from my secretary.

Good afternoon.

- I went over to the window and pulled back the drape again,

getting a good look at George's Monument.

If it had been George Washington with me instead of Cole,

I'd bet we'd probably been in bed together by now.

With the monument like that named after him,

I couldn't believe that George Washington

would've been a member of some secret society

that believed in chastity

and that sex wasn't for nothing except making babies.

(upbeat music)

(music ending)

I kept clicking that zapper, and Lord have mercy.

I suddenly discovered what they called the Porn Panorama.

This was a menu where you could select any sort of sultry

and sinful title you could think of.

I began reading the titles,

filling in my mind with all sorts

of lewd stuff of all kinds.

You could watch a movie called "Hot Chicks and Hoses"

or "Tits Galore" or "Special Erection."

They also had "Naughty Nipple Nights"

and "Horny Cheerleaders"

and something called "The Dildo Express,"

and it didn't stop there.

My favorite title was "Lewd Lesbians from Louisiana."

But I was also curious about "69 Threesome"

and "Suck Off at the Sock Hop" and "Fisting Fighters"

and "Banging the Gang Bangers."

Of course, there was also some very nasty titles

like "Creaming Bitches" and "Doggy-Style Loving."

"The Dildo Express" turned out

to be the dumbest movie I'd ever seen,

not counting "Gone With the Wind."

I couldn't help but wonder if the President knew

about the Porn for Witnesses program,

which was what I called the Porn Panorama on my hotel TV.

Probably not.

There's gotta be a lot of stuff going on

that the President don't know nothing about at all hardly.

(phone ringing)

Hello, who is it?

- It's Holger Dusseldorf.

- Holger, my goodness,

I didn't expect to hear from you tonight.

- Could I come up and speak with you?

- Is everything okay?

- Yes, I need to speak with you.

- You wanna come up to my room?

- Yes, I need to speak with you in private,

- What you wanna speak about?

Can't we just talk on the phone?

- We should not be discussing such matters on the phone.

- Well, okay, I reckon.

Give me five minutes, okay?

- Right, thank you.

(upbeat piano music)

- Why, hello, Holger,

do come on in.

I was just getting ready to retire when you called.

So what was it you needed

to discuss in her lady's bedroom so late at night?

- I need to discuss video about Bogatoga.

- Bogatoga?

Couldn't that wait till morning?

- I think you should know a little more

about why we felt it was necessary

to have your undergo the surgical implant.

- You don't have to explain.

- But I must. (music ending)

You see, many branches of the US government

are very concerned about some of the evil things going on

in the African nation of Bogatoga.

They're ruled by a tyrant king.

- I've heard of him.

King Bagha, isn't it?

- Indeed, yes.

He has a stranglehold on power in Bogatoga,

and that's not all.

He has 49 wives of many different nationalities and races.

Recently, he's been searching for a new wife,

who would be the queen with power over all the other wives,

number 50.

- I wondered how Holger Dusseldorf being German and all

had connections at the White House,

but I suppose it has something to do

with him being a top cop with Interpol.

When you get to a certain high up level,

everybody is connected somehow,

and it don't matter if you're American or German or Japanese

or Russian or even extraterrestrial,

at least wise, according to the "X-Files."

- Well, you see, King Bagha

is a fan of American films and literature,

and recently we learned that his favorite American book

is "Gone with the Wind,"

which also happens to be his favorite American movie.

- Oh Lord, no!

- King Bagha has posters and paintings of Clark Gable

and Vivien Leigh, the stars of that film

all over his palace.

His ambition has always been to add a Southern American wife

to his harem,

and you have caught his attention in a very big way.

- Go on.

- It all began when a man named Dr. Rajneesh Maghu

in a town known as Mombulajambano in Bogatoga

sent to the king a copy of a photo of you,

a bare-breasted photo that you sent him.

When the king learned that your name was Scarlett,

just like the main character in "Gone with the Wind,"

well, he could barely contain himself.

He even got down on his knees and cried,

saying again and again,

"I must have this Scarlett!

She must be mine."

- Lord Almighty, I feel like a perfect fool.

I guess it's just like Mama always said about me.

I'm gullible.

But when I got an email from Dr. Maghu

telling me about how I was gonna inherit a lot

of your money now that you was dead from a plane crash,

well, of course I believed him.

- Is this the photo you sent to Dr. Maghu?

- How did you get this?

- We intercepted it.

When you've were first interrogated

by Cole about the Zimmers,

you mentioned your emails to Africa

and that alerted Cole's suspicion.

We've been monitoring all your communications.

- Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed

and I've caused all

of you fine gentlemen so much aggravation.

Can you ever accept my apology?

- Well, I think we can.

- I don't know why I did it,

but I sort of put my hand on his leg at that second.

Can you accept my love?

- Excuse me?

- Well, I could hardly have guessed the fireworks I was

setting off at that very second.

I sort of unleashed the wild animal in handsome Holger.

He started out squeezing that one breast I offered him

and then he reached for the other.

I pulled him close enough so our lips touched.

He gave me one

of the hottest kisses I'd ever had in my life.

Oh darling, come deeper.

Push it in all the way.

- [Holger] Excuse me?

- [Scarlett] Holger, I'm so sorry.

Mixing you up with Cole and all,

I'll never do that again,

Holger sweetheart, I promise. (upbeat song starting)

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Somewhere on Bourbon Street ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? I'm gonna drown my misery ?

? Well, I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? and a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? and it's bottoms up for me ?

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Poor old, pitiful me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? is looking down on me ?

? Well, I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? and a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Bottoms up for me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? ain't no kind of place to be ?

(song ending)

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