Original subtitles

(wheat blowing in the wind)

(upbeat bluegrass music)

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, we're going to a party again ?

? Everyone's going to get dressed up ?

? Ladies do their hair just right ?

? Everyone's going to get messed up ?

? Yeah, we're gonna get drunk tonight ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle oF gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, we're going to a party again ?

(upbeat bluegrass music)

(siren wails)

- I didn't wanna be all over the news as a dog killer.

I had to get to Washington DC,

and I didn't wanna be in jail

when Dr. Bandalar came to town to visit me about my money.

(siren wails)

Next thing we knew, there was a knock on the window.

(knock) It was Sheriff Peabody.

- What's going on in there?

- Nothing much going on here.

- What you got to say for yourself, ma'am?

- Hi there.

- You got your pants up, boy?

- [Daryl] I surely do, sir.

- Good.

We don't want no moonin' going on in there, now do we?

- No, sir, we certainly don't want none of that.

- Hey, Sheriff Peabody, I hear you're a really nice man.

- Well, I sure am, hon.

Hey, you the Blossom girl?

- Yep, sure am.

I've heard all about you, Sheriff Peabody.

Heard you was real good at upholding the law and all,

and that Lenny James Hancock fella told me

you was real nice to work for too.

- Lenny James Hancock.

Well, I done fired him the other day.

Good for nothing kid,

always out screwing around on the job.

So, what are y'all doing out here, except trespassing?

- We are just out for a friendly little drive,

if you know what I mean.

Daryl here was just getting ready

to take me home, wasn't you, Daryl?

- Yeah, I reckon he was, Miss Blossom.

Wha-what was your first name again?

- Scarlett, I'm Scarlett May Blossom,

and I'm gonna be famous someday, sir.

- Just make sure you don't end up famous

like Bonnie and Clyde.

They had 50 bullet holes in their car

when they were buried in the cemetery.

Make sure you keep them honkers

in that bra where they belong, honey.

Now y'all better get going

before you get in big trouble.

Now next time I catch you out here, I'll put you in jail.

- All right Sheriff, we're real sorry, we'll get going now.

(lively music)

- Y'all were pretty fast talking there, Scarlett.

- I'm just irresistible to men, can't help it none.

You just gotta make 'em feel like they're something special.

- Am I special, Scarlett?

- Yep, you're special all right, Daryl, special ed,

for the type that's got an IQ of less than 80.

- Thanks a lot.

- Nah Daryl, you're real nice and all.

Hey, pull over for a minute.

I'd done seen some flowers I wanted to get

for my Mama off one of the graves,

so I got outta the car and went back to grab 'em.

They was pink and white and plastic,

but they was in pretty good condition.

Looked like fresh out of the Walmart,

and Mama wouldn't mind,

'sides, she sorta liked plastic flowers.

(pleasant piano music)

- You didn't have to get me no flowers, Scarlett.

- Don't worry, I didn't.

They're for my Mama.

- You're crazy, stealing flowers out of a graveyard.

- Oh, Mama won't know the difference.

Just Daryl and I ended up at the Pizza Doodle,

and we was the only ones there.

I pointed out to just Daryl the picture on the wall

of the Leanin' Tower of Pizza, and he told me

that the name of it's not the Leanin' Tower of Pizza.

First of all, 'cause it's spelled Pisa, like P-I-S-A?

I said, "That's a dumb way to spell pizza,"

and Lord help me, I ended up staring at another ceiling,

if you get what I mean.

- Just wait there a sec.

- Where the hell you going at a time like this?

- We got a condom machine in the man's bathroom.

(lively instrumental music)

Oh, oh my God, Scarlett, I love you, girl.

I just love you to pieces.

I know you're not gonna believe this,

but I never smelled a girl's panties before.

I always imagined it would be like this.

Scarlett, honey, do you really need these panties?

I mean, you got others, right?

- What are you getting at?

- Can I buy them from you?

- You sick bastard, no, you can't buy them from me!

What do you think I am?

Jesus, I never heard such a thing.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

How much you gonna give me?

- Five bucks?

- Jesus Christ, no.

Five bucks? What do you think I am?

They cost me five bucks.

- Yeah, but they're used, Scarlett.

- They're worth much more used.

They got the smell of fresh pussy.

You ain't gonna get that at the Walmart for five bucks.

- You drive a hard bargain, Scarlett.

How about half my tips? I made 30 bucks.

- You give me all your tips,

or my panties are going back home with Miss Kitty.

- You got a deal.

- Okay, you just bought yourself one pair

of used ladies panties,

but hear me out Daryl, and listen real good.

If you ever sell my panties on eBay after I get famous,

don't you dare mention my name or I'll do some witchcraft

and send a zombie to claw your eyes out.

? Who was crowned the queen at the county fair ?

? Miss honeysuckle grove won fair and square ?

? You know she really made those judges stare ?

? In her evenin' gown with no underwear ?

? That girl was awesome, she didn't play possum ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

I went in through the front door of the fire station,

and there was a lady at the front desk chewing gum

and filing her fingernails just like you see 'em do

in those soap operas.

Well, I'd like to have a job like that;

getting paid for filing my fingernails.

She looked at me like she thought

I was something the cat dragged in.

- Can I help you?

- I'm here to see Danny Ray Peterson.

- You are? He expecting ya?

- Yes, he sure is, ma'am.

- Well I better call him first, he's pretty busy.

Oh, what was your name?

- Scarlett May Blossom.

Suddenly there was Danny Ray.

My heart started to flutter.

- I was gonna call you today.

- You was?

- Yep, I won a bunch of money playing poker over the weekend

and I'm gonna give it to you for your bus trip.

- Oh Danny Ray,

that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

But don't you worry, I'm about to inherit lots

of money and I'll pay you back, I promise.

- Been thinking about ya all weekend,

wondering how you was making out.

- I was making out fine, how was you making out?

- Fine, missing ya was all.

I felt real bad for you with your predicament and all,

besides, Lenny James Hancock got himself fired

the other day,

came back real late from delivering a summons,

and Sheriff Peabody let him go.

- Well, that's just real terrible.

Bless his poor little old heart.

Bet his Mama's really gonna get in a tizzy about that.

- When do you need to be there, and when you coming back?

- I need to be there by Monday.

I have to testify for a grand jury and all,

so I'm not sure when I'll be coming back.

- What you gotta testify in front of a grand jury for?

- It's a long story, and I don't reckon I feel

like talking about it right now.

But don't worry I didn't do nothing wrong,

except go to church.

- Now, Scarlett, I enjoy all your attention,

but I'm at work here.

Don't want to get in no trouble.

- Danny Ray, I believe I got a fire that needs putting out,

and it ain't coming from my trailer either.

- Well, I reckon you do have a fire, pretty as you are.

I'm sure you get real lonely in that trailer of yours.

Since your Mama's been gone, you could use a man around,

and I just broke up with my girlfriend last week,

so why don't I come by later and put that fire out for ya?

- Will you bring the firetruck?

I've always wanted to ride in a firetruck.

- Think you could be home in a couple hours?

- Sure I can.

(lively music)

- [Danny Ray] You ready to go for a ride?

Can't go for too long,

and you can't tell nobody I picked you up

or I'll get in trouble.

- I ain't gonna tell nobody.

(siren wails)

- [Scarlett] Danny Ray was just a wild man.

He lost all control driving at 90 miles an hour

like we was really going to a real fire.

I figured that if I lived to be a hundred,

I'd never have a more exciting ride than in that fire truck.

(upbeat bluegrass music)

We was about five miles outside of town

when Danny Ray finally pulled over.

We kissed for a while

and then things got real heated up in that old fire truck.

I squeezed his thigh and soon I somehow ended up

sitting on his lap with my arms around him

and somehow we just started kissing, real hot and heavy.

Then suddenly Danny Ray seemed

to get real nervous about going any further

'cause he stopped it all of a sudden.

- I'm sorry Scarlett. It ain't your fault.

I um,

got what you call ED.

- [Scarlett] What?! Oh my God!

Well thank the Lord you're honest about it and fessed up

before we got any further.

Last thing in the world I need is some kind

of venereal disease.

I read all about those things in a Planned Parenthood

pamphlet one time.

What kind of venereal disease you got?

- I don't have VD Scarlett, I have ED.

- Well what's the difference?

- ED stands for erectile dysfunction.

It's not a venereal disease.

It's when a man's penis can't get hard.

- Well ain't there nothing you can do for it?

- Yeah, there's pills for it.

You've heard of Viagra, haven't you?

- Oh yeah, my Daddy's parents live in Viagra Falls

in upstate New York.

I reckon that's probably where they make them pills.

- No, you're thinking of Niagara Falls.

That's where the big waterfalls are up near Canada.

I ain't talking about that.

Viagra is a pill men take for ED.

It's also called "the little blue pill."

They're real expensive.

I had half a bottle of them left and I was going to take one

before coming over to pick you up,

but I think Sheriff Peabody stole 'em outta my desk.

- What would he go and do a little thing like that for?

- Well I'll let you in on a little secret:

Sheriff Peabody goes down to Mobile on a regular basis,

you know, to one of them cat houses?

- I don't know nothing about no cat houses, Danny Ray.

- A cat house is another name for a whore house.

Sheriff Peabody goes down there to get laid.

- Oh that's one of them places where you gotta go

and pay for sex.

Poor Sheriff Peabody.

- Poor Sheriff Peabody, my ass!

He can afford to pay for sex

but can't get his own damn Viagra.

So he's gotta go stealing mine

and now I've gotta get down

to the pharmacy and pay for more.

The bastard ought to be in jail

but who's gonna arrest him?

- Well why don't you just come and pick me up again

after you get more pills.

You can put out my fire then.

- Alright, I promise I'll make it up to you.

I'll come by again after work.

- Thank you Danny Ray, you've been real nice to me.

(upbeat bluegrass music)

- [Daddy] Hi there, Pigtail.

Burt should be getting here any minute now,

so hopefully he can get the computer fixed for you.

Don't know how the damn thing broke.

One minute it's working, one minute it aint.

- I'm sure he'll be able to fix it, Daddy, don't you worry.

- Well here's your problem right here.

Looks like the plug to the computer got done chewed up

by a mouse and here's the mouse!

Rat bastard probably got electrocuted, serves him right.

- We got the same problem at our trailer

and you can never find nothing where you put it

'cause the mice get ahold of everything.

One day I put my hairband down on the coffee table

and the next thing I know, it showed up in my coffee cup

and they chew right through the cereal boxes

and Lord knows what else.

- Dear Ms. Blossom, I am pleased to notify you

that my associate Dr. Bandalar shall be arriving

in Honeysuckle Grove, Saturday the 12th to meet with you.

Time is of the essence.

The money has to leave my country

before the first of the month

or there will be serious tax issues

that could complicate getting you the funds.

Please expect Dr. Bandalar to arrive at your home

Saturday the 12th at 10:00 AM.

Sincerely, Dr. Rajneesh Maghu, Bank of Africa.

- [Scarlett] The timing sure stunk.

He was gonna show up just an hour before my bus was leaving

but I'd figure something out like I always did.

What would these little blue pills do for me if I took them?

Would I sprout a penis?

- Hardly. This is a man's medicine.

You've already gotta have a penis for them to work.

They probably wouldn't do nothing for you.

- Well we'll try it out after dinner I guess

and see what comes up.

(siren wails)

(door opens and shuts)

(footsteps approach)

- What's going on out here. Y'all need any help?

- We're all taken care of, Sheriff.

Thanks for asking though.

- Well, hello Miss Blossom.

Funny thing running into you again so soon.

I was just getting ready to come by your trailer,

have a word with you.

- Oh? What kinda word?

- At the cemetery.

Did you see anybody suspicious looking

around the cemetery back there?

- Why no, Sheriff, why do you ask?

- Well, old Mr. Humphreys died

and his funeral was today.

They dug up a new hole for him

and what do you reckon showed up where they was digging?

- I ain't got no idea, Sheriff. What showed up out there?

- You know that dog of Mary Lou Rosenkrantz?

That poodle that's been missing?

Well, looks like somebody run over the thing

and buried it out there in the cemetery,

try and hide the crime.

Poor Mary Lou had to go down to the dog pound today

to identify the body.

She's mighty shook up and all.

- It was probably some drunk driver

speeding through the trailer park, I reckon.

I heard Mary Lou screaming at trailer trash.

Bob's brother this afternoon.

He may have had something to do with it.

- Well she's pretty shook up.

I heard she'd already called the news

and "Unsolved Mysteries"

and trying to get ahold of the sci-fi channel

'cause she thought maybe the dog got abducted by aliens.

- Well that sounds pretty crazy to me, Sheriff.

But you know, I had a mysterious case

of disappearance today myself.

- What kind of disappearance did you have?

- I think you know, Sheriff.

- What are you insinuating?

- Maybe ya already know what I'm insinuating.

- I don't know nothing of the kind.

- Well maybe that's just not so.

I'm talking about something blue.

- You lost something blue?

- Three little somethings that's blue. Half a bottle.

- Bottle of what? You on drugs?

- My prescription.

It's legal but it ain't legal to steal it.

- If something's missing,

I recommend you file a police report

down at my office, then I can get to the bottom of it.

I'll investigate.

Of course, you better make sure you didn't use

that half a bottle yourself of the blue stuff,

'cause filing a false police report is a crime in the state.

And I'll have to investigate every single time you use

the blue stuff and who you was with at the time.

I'll put you under oath and it'll go into a file. You hear?

- That's all right. I'll drop it this time.

- That might turn out to be a wise decision.

- You're doing a mighty fine job

with all these investigations.

Crime in Honeysuckle Grove is way down since you came here

from Mayberry Farms and set things right.

- Crime's down 25%.

Got the crime statistics right in my office.

- All those Sheriff meetings you have down in Mobile

must be paying off.

- But right now we gotta get down to the Cluck and Go

before they run outta chicken.

- We gonna have ourselves an investigation

about that poodle.

So, I'll be sure to stop by when I'm in the neighborhood.

- All right Sheriff, you have yourself a good night

and I'll let you know if I hear anything more about Muffin.

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? You'all remember that name ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

(siren wails)

- [Scarlett] Danny Ray had a really nice house

and it wasn't long

before I was in the bedroom staring up

at the Playmate of the Month he had pinned to the ceiling.

I wasn't too surprised by his choice of ceiling decor,

especially after I found some

other girl's panties in the bed.

I threw them panties in his face.

Were you limp when she came to visit you

or did your miracle pill give you both a night to remember?!

? I've seen some floors, wood, rug or tile ?

? I've seen some doors you can open with a smile ?

? But I've always had this special feeling ?

? Ain't nothing quite like, the view of a ceiling ?

? So listen my friends, you'll get what I mean ?

? When I tell you about ?

? The ceilings I've seen ?

(upbeat music)

The morning started out

with a loud knock at the trailer door and who should it be

but Sheriff Peabody smelling like he'd had a visit to one

of them cat houses the night before

'cause there was whiskey on his breath

and he didn't look like he could walk on a straight line.

Well good morning, Sheriff.

To what do I owe the honor of this visit

so early this morning?

You look like he could use a cup of hot coffee.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It means I got hot water and I got coffee from the Walmart

and I just finished making me a pot.

And it looks like you've had a rough night, Sheriff Peabody.

You catch those dog killers yet?

- Well, Scarlett, that's what brings me

to your neck of the woods.

Seems we had a little break in the case.

- Oh really?

- Yeah. Turns out there was an eyewitness.

That's why I'm paying you a visit.

You sure you don't know nothing about what happened

to Mary Lou's dog?

- [Scarlett] Well, Sheriff, you asked me that before

and I told you I don't know nothing.

It was probably some drunk driver.

- Scarlett May Blossom,

I could arrest you and put you in jail this very minute

lying to an officer of the law like that.

I told you we got a witness.

You was driving your Mama's car without a license

and you backed up right over that poor little helpless dog.

And then you concealed the crime!

You stuck the dog in your trunk.

Then later that night, you and that sneaky accomplice

of yours, Daryl, went over to the graveyard

and buried that mutt.

And when I saw you two out there

and asked you what was happening,

you made out like nothing was happening at all.

And there you were, a dog killer with a soul made of stone.

Now what do you think Mary Lou's gonna say about you

when she reads all this in the paper?

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Somewhere on Bourbon Street ?

? Yeah, the bottom half rock of bottom ?

? I'm gonna drown my misery ?

? Well I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? And a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? And it's bottom's up for me ?

? I'm in the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Poor old pitiful me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Is looking down on me ?

? I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? And a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Bottom's up for me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Aint no kinda place to be ?

(upbeat country song ends)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0