Original subtitles

(wheat field rustles)

(cheery country music)

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? I'm gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, we're goin' to a party again ?

? Everyone's gonna get dressed up ?

? Ladies do their hair just right ?

? Everyone's gonna get messed up ?

? Yeah, we're gonna get drunk tonight ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah, I'm goin' to a party again ?

- The board of directors and entire staff

of the National Lottery of the United Kingdom

wish to inform you your email account has been picked

as a winner of our �1 million sterling in cash.

- Mama, don't get mad if I ask you a silly question,

all right?

What if you and me was able to find a way to go

to the United Kingdom between now and September 1st?

Would you come with me?

- The united what?

- The United Kingdom.

That's England, where the Pope lives.

- The Pope don't live in England, you ninny.

He lives at the Vatican, which is in France.

- Whatever. The Beatles is from England, from Liverpool,

which is part of England.

- I know what Liverpool is part of.

You ain't gotta tell me that.

- What if you and me, we got applied to get passports

and took a trip, just the two of us?

You always said that there's two places you wanna visit

before you die, the holy land,

so you can see where the Lord preached,

and Liverpool, where the Beatles came from.

So if we went to England, you'd only have one more place

to go, and then you could just die in peace.

- Don't talk to your mama like that about dying,

like you're just waiting to collect your inheritance.

- That's not what I meant, Mama. You know that.

Besides, there ain't no inheritance except this trailer

and that don't excite me all too much.

- And why do you wanna go to Liverpool all of a sudden?

You don't even like the Beatles hardly at all.

- Actually, I wanna go to Charing Cross Road in London.

- Good heavens, whatever for?

- Mama, I'm not supposed to tell anybody this,

but would you believe me if I told you

there was a whole lot of money waiting for me

there in the lottery office,

as long as I collect it by September 1st?

- No, I would not.

- Mama, I keep getting these emails

promising me lots of money.

The latest one tells me I won the British sweepstakes.

- You didn't win no money. Say it.

- I didn't win no money.

- Now let's just think about keeping the devil

out of you, girl.

- And I suppose you and Donna-Sue

don't with no bad company, praying with fake preacher men

like Pastor Boyd, whose real name is Clarence Zimmer,

the pedophile.

- And who taught you words like that?

- [Scarlett] Like what?

- Like pedophile.

- Why, Mama, you got a very short memory.

Pedophiles are perverts that do sexy stuff with children,

which is against the law.

You're always saying you gotta win enough bingo money

so we can afford to move out of this trailer park

before the pedophiles move in here,

'cause it's places like this where the government

sticks pedophiles when they get outta prison.

(cheery country music)

One day, to my surprise,

I found a fake rubber penis in our bathroom hidden away.

"Who could've put it there?" I wondered.

Did some pervert break into our trailer and hide it?

Mama, can you give me an example of a pervert?

- Well, one example is a man

who locks himself up in the bathroom

and uses a vibrator to get his rocks off.

- Do women ever use vibrators too?

- Of course not, child. Whatever's come over you?

- So what about those things that look like

a man's penis except they're rubbery and all?

What are those called?

- I reckon you're referring to what's called a dildo.

- A dildo?

(cheery country music)

Finally, I decided to try that fake penis on myself,

which I now knew was a vibrating dildo.

I locked myself in the bathroom.

Mama must have heard the dildo vibrating,

'cause she started banging on the bathroom door.

- What are you doing in there, child?

You ain't just taking no pee.

- Leave me alone, Mama.

I'm practicing being a pervert like you.

Don't you call me no pervert, Scarlett May.

What you got in there? What's making all that noise?

- I found your dildo, Mama.

You forgot to tell me that dildos are vibrators too

with batteries and all.

It works real good.

- I don't own no dildo, you ninny.

Must be something your worthless father owned

that I never found when I kicked him outta here.

- Well, why don't we ask Daddy about it then

and we'll see about that?

I don't rightly see why no normal man would want a dildo

shaped just like a stiff pecker.

This is for us women.

- Your father ain't no normal man

and don't you dare tell him about this

or I'll never speak to you again.

So help me Jesus, I'll put you up for adoption.

- I'll run away from home before I'll let you do that, Mama,

and I'll take your dildo with me.

- Open up the bathroom door this second

or so help me Jesus, I'll burn down the trailer.

- Before I got outta the bathroom,

I heard the front door slam-

(door slams)

And Mama had taken off in the car.

(tires screech)

I don't know where she went that night,

'cause she never did come back home.

I slept all alone in the trailer that night,

just me and Mama's dildo.

(phone rings)

- Miss Blossom? I am trying to reach.

Miss Scarlett May Blossom.

- That's me, all right. Who's this?

- This is of course Dr. Rajneesh Maghu.

- Oh hi, Dr. Maghu. How y'all doing

way out yonder in Africa?

- Excuse me. What is this that you mean this

way out yonder?

- Oh, by way out yonder, I mean y'all are kind of far away.

- My trusted associate, Dr. Danju Bandalar

will be making the trip to meet you.

I hope that's all right.

- Will he be bringing all my money with him?

- First we must complete the file

and thank you for all the information by the way,

especially that splendid photo of you.

We do not often receive such splendid photos.

Do you have any more like that?

- No, that's only one.

Like I said, my cousin took it with his Polaroid camera.

He was thinking of sending it to Playboy

to ask Mr. Hefner if he would consider me being

one of his bunnies, you know, like Playmate of the Month.

You've heard of that, right?

- Well, I have heard many things about this.

Playboy you mention.

But unfortunately, in our town here,

we do not have this magazine on our newsstands,

I think perhaps because it would be illegal.

Our king, King Bagha decides what is proper and what is not.

He is also very busy with his 49 wives

and he does not yet have the perfect wife of his dreams,

so he is searching very hard to find number 50.

Dr. Bandalar took the liberty of showing him your photo

very much by accident.

We are doing business with the palace

and he sent over the wrong file.

We were both embarrassed,

but Dr. Bandalar says not to worry,

because the king was surprisingly pleased

to meet you that way.

- Glad your king was pleased and all.

I was just wondering, when do you think Dr. Bandalar

will be here in Alabama?

And when do you figure I'll get my share of the money?

- We will complete the transaction

within a month or six weeks.

- Well, that would be real nice Dr. Maghu.

People tell me I shouldn't believe all your emails,

that they're, like, scams or something like that,

but I think you're real nice and all.

Please don't give my money away to no one else, okay?

- Dr. Bandalar will be in touch. Goodbye.

- I hung up the phone and I was thinking about how

Dr. Maghu sounded like such a nice man,

when all of a sudden the trailer door opened

and in came Daddy.

- Darling, I just got a call from the welfare office

and your mama got taken to county hospital in an ambulance,

'cause she passed out at work on the telephone.

- Oh well, is she all right?

She's not gonna die on us yet, is she?

- She ain't going to die, but one of them head doctors

talked to me about your mama.

- Like a shrink or something?

- Yeah, a psychological shrink.

They said your mama, poor darling, had a nervous breakdown.

- My mama couldn't have no nervous breakdown.

She's strong as a rottweiler.

- Some folks got bodies as strong as rottweilers,

but their mind is weak like a poodle's.

- Mama ain't like no poodle.

Poodles don't make themselves come using no dildos,

unless this thing I found hidden in the back

of Mama's dresser happens to belong to you.

- You found this in Mama's dresser, really?

- I wouldn't lie to you, Daddy.

I never knew Mama was the type to use something like this.

- She ain't, not when she's in her right mind anyhow.

- Mama's been sick in the head for a long time then.

This thing looks like it's had a lot of use.

- Maybe she got to missing me so much

once she threw me out,

this was the only thing she could think of to do.

- Well, all she does lately except taking me to church

to get my demons cast out is talk about perverts

and it turns out she is one.

You should hear all her hatred and venom against perverts.

- Last I heard she was saying she wants him

to let her out of there so she can step in front of a train

and get flattened out on the tracks.

- Least-wise Mama could wait till I'm rich

before she kills herself.

I could buy her nice dresses and a fancy old antique car.

- And how do you think you're going to get rich anyway?

- Daddy, I won the lottery.

Pretty soon, I'll have �1 million sterling.

Google says that's about $2 million.

- You didn't win no lottery, Scarlett.

- But I did, Daddy. I won it from an email.

It's real, and I'm also getting money

from the Bank of Africa.

- Nothing you say makes any sense anymore either.

- I'm gonna be rich real soon, Daddy. You'll see.

It's 'cause of the Ilnternet and those lucky emails

I keep getting.

- You're crazy, Scarlett.

You ain't never gonna be nothing better

than the trailer trash you always was.

- I slapped Daddy on the face for that.

Dammit, he made me mad, calling me trailer trash and all,

when he was the only one in our family

who was trailer trash.

I told Daddy to get out right then,

'cause I never wanted to see him again

and if he didn't get out, I'd kill him

with a steak knife or something.

I didn't mean that of course.

I love my daddy most of the time,

but the rest of the time I did wanna kill him,

just probably not with a steak knife,

'cause it'd make a real mess in the trailer.

? Whose daddy's real glad that the Walmart's near ?

? Walks over every night for some smokes and beer ?

? Drives a forklift down at the loading dock ?

? Rents bowling shoes ?

? Don't wear no socks ?

? That's Scarlett's daddy ?

? Daddy's daughter is awesome, Scarlett May Blossom ?

- We better get going down to the hospital to visit Mama

so I ain't late getting down to the bowling alley.

- Daddy, where's Mama's car now,

seeing how they took her to the hospital in an ambulance?

- Welfare office, far as I know.

A couple of ladies who work there got the keys

from your mama before the ambulance arrived

and they promised to drop the car off

at your trailer tonight,

not that you could drive it anyway,

seeing as you ain't got no driver's license

and you don't know how to drive.

(cheery country music)

- Are you Mr. Blossom?

- Yes I am and this is Scarlett May, our daughter.

- I'm Dr. Perkins.

The situation we got here is one I've seen before,

especially in the case of a dysfunctional family.

- That's a mighty big word.

What exactly does that mean, Doc,

dysfunctual?

- That's dysfunctional, not what you said.

Dysfunctional refers to a family unit

that doesn't function properly as it should.

You are separated from your wife,

but you live in the same trailer park.

That's one example.

- Did she tell you that when she was babbling?

- She told me quite a few things about you and about you.

- I can just imagine what she said about me.

Did she tell you about her dildo?

- Dildo?

- Can you make it real quick, Doc?

I gotta get down to the bowling alley.

Gotta help with spraying shoes.

(lively country music)

(door thumps)

- [Scarlett] Who's there?

- [Lenny] Are you Scarlett May Blossom?

- [Scarlett] Are you from FedEx or something like that?

- Something like that. I have a summons for you.

Sign here.

- I'll bet this is a summons telling me

I gotta go to Washington DC to testify

in front of a grand jury and all.

Ain't that exciting, getting to go to Washington DC?

- Can't rightly say.

Well, nice meeting you, miss.

- Wouldn't you like a little bit of lemonade?

Everybody likes my lemonade.

- Lemonade sure sounds all right to me.

- What's your name?

- Lenny James Hancock.

- If you don't mind, I'm gonna open up my little old

summons and read it.

- My job is to deliver 'em,

not to go poking my nose in what they're about,

but okay.

- Well, it has a lot of legal type words

I'm not sure if I rightly understand, but hmm.

Don't look like I got no choice.

The long short of it is looks to me like I'm invited

to go to Washington DC to testify before a grand jury

about Clarence and Martha Zimmer,

in case you ain't ever heard of them.

- Oh, I heard of them.

They've been in the newspapers a lot lately.

- You may not know it,

but I happen to be one of their victims.

- What'd they do to you?

- That ain't none of your nevermind, but it wasn't pretty.

I can't imagine a nice boy like you

would ever try to do anything awful to me

like them Zimmers did, would you?

- Nope, not me.

- It don't say nothing about them paying my way.

How am I gonna get to Washington DC,

if they ain't gonna pay for me to get there?

- They'll probably pay your way.

They'll probably reimburse you,

give you back the money after you pay for it.

- But I don't got no money to pay for it.

- I always wanted to go to Washington DC.

Maybe I could take you.

- Really? You'd do such a nice thing for little old me?

- If you pay for the gas, maybe I will.

- I'm not sure how I could pay for your gas.

- Well, I suppose I could get some money outta my

savings account or something.

- You'd do that for little old me?

- Well, I reckon so,

seeing you're so pretty and everything.

- Oh no, I'm not.

All the boys think that, but what do they know?

- I know... you got a cute little old button nose.

You know that? You got long pretty hair too.

- Why don't we go on into the bedroom for a while?

(cheery country music)

(Lenny rasps)

Lenny, you're my good friend now, right?

Think you could order up some home delivery type pizza

and pay for it and all?

With Lenny still inside me,

I reached over and picked up the phone

and handed him the receiver.

- [Lenny] What you talking about pizza for

at a time like this?

- [Scarlett] Oh sweet Jesus, I'm coming. I'm coming.

You come yet?

- [Lenny] Not yet. Keep going.

- [Scarlett] I'll keep going, but first you call

pizza delivery and give 'em your credit card.

- [Lenny] I don't got a credit card.

- Suddenly, this wasn't sounding like a dream relationship.

Well, tell 'em you'll pay cash.

The number for the pizza delivery place is on a sticky

right there on the phone.

(explosion roars)

- [Lenny] What the hell was that?

- I ain't got no idea.

When I got to my bedroom window, I could see what it was.

The trailer behind us was smoking

and flames was coming out of it.

Lenny was right behind me and could see it too.

- Holy shit, Scarlett. You had best call 911.

- [Scarlett] All right, I'll call 'em,

but they got real mad at me last time I called.

- [Lenny] Why'd they get mad at you?

- [Scarlett] I called 'em last year on Christmas Day

to find out if the Walmart was open.

- Well, what'd you do that for?

911 is for emergencies, not for checking

to see if Walmart's open.

- That's what they said and I told the lady on the phone

that it was an emergency, 'cause Mama was on the toilet

and we was out toilet paper and paper towels too.

Then she told me that I could get in real big trouble

for calling and blocking up the phones like that.

She even told me that Mama should try using some

Christmas wrapping paper to wipe her behind and all,

and then she done hung up the phone.

(dial tone rings)

- 911, what's your emergency?

- I'm calling, 'cause there's a trailer afire.

- There's a trailer afire.

- That's what I just said.

- You mean there's a trailer on fire?

Or there's a trailer afire?

- Yes, there's a trailer afire or on fire.

Same difference. It just done blew up or something.

- [911 Man] Okay, calm down and tell me your name

and where you live, ma'am.

- My name is Scarlett May Blossom

and I live at the Outside-In Trailer Park

in Honeysuckle Grove, Alabama.

- What's the address there, Miss Blossom?

- We're in trailer number 69,

but the trailer that's on fire is behind us.

Must be number 70 or 71.

- Okay, I found your address.

We'll get the fire department right on over there, ma'am.

You best get outta your trailer now, you hear?

- The 911 man said we've gotta get out of the trailer

right now.

He says the fire department folks will be on the way.

- And that means Sheriff Peabody will probably be

on his way too.

I gotta get the hell outta here, Scarlett.

I can't let nobody see me.

- And that's about all any he said to me

before he pealed out of the driveway,

leaving me standing out in the dust

from his big old green car.

Why, he didn't even say bye to me

or thanks to the lemonade or nothing

and I didn't even get his phone number.

(sirens wail) (fire crackles)

After the fire was all put out,

I heard one of the firemen talking to the news lady

and he said they suspected it had been a meth lab

that was made with explosive chemicals.

- You're the one that called 911?

- Yeah, sure did. That was me.

I live in the trailer next door practically.

My name's Scarlett.

- I'm Chief Peterson.

- Thank you for putting out the fire, Chief Peterson.

You certainly are some kind of hero in my book.

- Well, thank you, young lady.

- You can call me Scarlett, Scarlett May Blossom.

(bluesy country music)

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Somewhere on Bourbon Street ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? I'm gonna drown my misery ?

? Well, I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? and a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? And it's bottoms up for me ?

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

Poor old pitiful me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Is looking down on me ?

? Well, I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? and a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? and bottoms up for me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Ain't no kind of place to be ?

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