Original subtitles

(wind rustling)

- My name is Scarlett May Blossom,

and this story is about my first adventures,

or misadventures, with a variety of the male sex.

(lively music)

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah I'm goin' to a party again ?

? Everyone's gonna get dressed up ?

? Ladies do their hair just right ?

? Everyone's gonna get messed up ?

? Yeah we're gonna get drunk tonight ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of whiskey ?

? Gonna buy me a bottle of gin ?

? Gonna go pick up my baby ?

? Yeah I'm goin' to a party again ?

- I was born a poor little old trailer trash girl

just outside of Mobile, Alabama

in a small town called Honeysuckle Grove.

Growing up, for as long as I can remember,

I lived with my mama at the Outside-In trailer park.

Anyhow, my mama always said we wasn't really trailer trash

'cause we owned our own trailer

and 'cause she still had most of her teeth

and she didn't drink Budweiser outta no can.

If you wanna know more about my background

as a sweet southern girl who had a tough life

and all the rest of that "Gone With the Wind" kind of crap,

well then you ought to know that my daddy

used to live with us a long time ago,

but he couldn't quit drinking and sleeping around,

so mama finally kicked his butt and the rest of him out

after she got a job down at the welfare office.

Anyway, daddy didn't go far.

He rented another trailer in the same trailer court.

Only reason I ever went over to visit him

was 'cause he had a computer

so he could look at naked women on the internet.

I used it sometimes to do emails

and emails was how my big adventure started.

(light music)

When I got my first email from Dr. Rajneesh Maghu

in Mambola Jimbana Bogotoga Africa,

that's really what started to turn my life upside down.

Here's what it said.

"Dear friend, I'm the auditing and accounting manager

of the Bank of Africa, BOA,

here in Mambola Jimbana.

Recently in my department-

- we discovered an abandoned sum of U.S. dollars,

14 million United States dollars,

in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers,

Mr. Holger Dusseldorf from Munich, Germany,

who died on April 3rd in the crash of a private plane

during a severe storm.

(thunder cracking)

Most unfortunately, all his next of kin died alongside him,

leaving behind no survivors for the claim.

(light music)

"We selected you after a search for a qualified person."

- Basically all I had to do was pretend I was next of kin

to a guy who died in a plane crash

and they promised to send me millions.

- "You must designate me as a co-signer

for your bank account and then immediately 100%

of these funds will be deposited

into your bank account, sent by wire."

- But I knew right off

there was gonna be some technical difficulties,

'cause I didn't have no driver's license,

and no credit card

and didn't know how in the world I'd get him a recent photo

since daddy spilled beer all over our camera

and it ain't worked right ever since.

The only photo I had was one that my cousin Bobby Roy Jr.

Took with his Polaroid that showed me flashing my boobies.

I don't know why I let Bobby Roy Jr.

Talk me into doing a crazy thing like that.

I had to beat him up to get the photo back

so he wouldn't show it to all his friends

or post it up on the bulletin board

down at the Bowling Barn, which is our local bowling alley.

Thank the Lord, I still had the photo locked up

in the metal box with my diary

and thank the Lord again that mama

couldn't get into that box to see that photo of me

half naked or she would've drug me right on down

to Aunt Donna Sue's Church

of the Holy Moanin' Tabernacle on Sunday

to have the demons cast outta me.

Of course, I sent Dr. Maghu back my acceptance immediately,

thanking him for having done all that research

so he ended up picking little old me.

According to the email from Africa,

I was supposed to get 30% of $14 million,

and I didn't know how much that was,

so I asked my algebra teacher, Mr. Barnett.

Mr. Barnett, how much is 30% of $14 million?

- What do you wanna know that for?

- Oh, I was just reading in the paper

about someone who inherited 30% of $14 million,

and I just kind of wondered how much that is.

- It's $4,200,000, of course.

- Wow.

? Mama hollers at daddy as loud as she pleases ?

? She hates the devil, loves the good Lord Jesus ?

? Works all week at the welfare office ?

? Plays bingo every Friday when she wins makes a ruckus ?

? That's Scarlett's mama ?

? Mama's daughter is awesome ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

? She's a trailer park beauty living at full throttle ?

? Keeps her life savings in a whiskey bottle ?

? 18 years old, strawberry blond hair ?

? Gonna find her a pot of ?

? gold somewhere ?

? If she don't play possum ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

(lively music)

- On Thursday we went to the Dixie Mutual

and set up our new bank account.

Mama co-signed for me to have a savings account.

Up until then, I'd kept my savings in a whiskey bottle

and I didn't have much to speak of.

(light music)

By the time the bank meeting was over,

I had all the information I needed to send

to Dr. Maghu, including mama's social security

and driver's license numbers.

I figured Mama's info would work all right for me

to get my millions of dollars from Africa,

and Dr. Maghu wouldn't know the difference anyhow.

Mr. Barnett got real suspicious about my questions

about millions of dollars.

- You got one of them bogus emails sent to you,

what they call spam.

Tell me the truth, when you asked me to help you

with that math about figuring 30% of 14 million,

was that what some huckster promised you in an email?

- Absolutely not.

- You are lying to me, Scarlett May.

(light music)

- Why would anybody send a story like that in a bogus email?

- It's all about identity theft, Scarlett.

- What do you mean identity theft?

- Folks give you a big story

about how you are gonna get a lot of money,

but first you gotta give them all of your personal

and private information and then they scam you

and you never get any money.

They just steal money from you.

- So you don't think it's true

what I heard in that email about getting all that money?

- Of course it isn't true.

You think anybody in this world just gives away $14 million?

- My share was only gonna be $4,200,000, remember?

You did the math.

- Hope you didn't send them folks any personal information

or they're gonna scam you for every cent you got.

Not that you got any money.

- Are you sure about all that, Mr. Barnett?

'Cause Dr. Maghu sounded like a very sincere man.

I just don't believe he'd lie to me that way.

- Problem with you, Scarlett, is you are too darn naive.

- Why do you think I'm naive?

- Because you'll believe any damn thing

anybody tells you, that's why.

- Dear Scarlett, by no means am I offended

by your photograph.

(light music)

There is no need for you to apologize,

as you should be proud of what God has bestowed upon you.

If I were not required to remain here at the Bank of Africa,

I would take the next plane to the United States

to meet you and prove to you my absolute sincerity.

- To tell the truth,

I've made love to a whole lot of men

and sometimes looking up at the ceiling

is the only thing I remember from the experience.

And believe me, I've seen a whole lot of ceilings.

The storage room ceiling at school was the first ceiling

I got a real good look at,

and that was thanks to Mr. Barnett.

(light music)

One day we got caught together in that storage room

and there was a hearing where Mr. Barnett

had to explain himself.

I wasn't allowed at the hearing, so I never got the chance

to explain that he seduced me first,

but it got back to me what he said, the lying bastard.

(lively music)

- I entered the classroom after school

and found Scarlett May Blossom sitting at a desk

practicing obscene self-abuse.

I had never seen a young woman behave

in such an indescribably, obscene manner

and I categorically deny

that I ever inspected her private parts.

I said something like,

"Scarlett, you are in serious need of counseling."

I insisted that she pull up her undergarments

and skirt immediately and that she placed her bosom

back where it belonged, tucked away inside her bra.

I even waited while she re-buttoned her blouse

before I agreed to listen to her explanation.

- Why, the outrageous gall of that man.

He just pretended as though all of our romantic times

never existed and he thought he could get away with it

and he had already led me down the path

of fornication and all manner of sin and corruption.

(lively music)

What a sad day it was when Mr. Barnett didn't show up

for algebra class no more

and a nasty bitch named Miss Cottonwood showed up instead.

My grade in algebra went way down after that.

But my marks on Mr. Barnett's tests had been so high

that I still managed to pass.

I told my mama I needed to go to the Planned Parenthood

to get myself a little sex education,

but actually I needed the pill.

The reason I needed the pill

was 'cause Mr. Barnett had told me

he didn't like wearing no rubbers or nothing like that.

He called them raincoats.

But anyhow, that's how I learned what rubbers are.

At least I thought I knew,

but I decided to ask mama just to be sure I got it right.

- A rubber is what a man puts on his pecker

so he don't make no baby.

Sometimes rubbers leak, though,

and you end up with a baby anyway.

- Mama told me she was gonna take me

to my Aunt Donna Sue's church on Sunday,

the Church of the Holy Moanin' Tabernacle.

And she said the pastor there was real clever

at knowing ways for casting out demons and things like that.

I'd heard it all before,

but I didn't count on having no demons cast outta me.

Mama, was that white wine

or red wine Jesus made by that miracle?

- What a dumb question, child.

- Why is it a dumb question?

- 'Cause the Bible don't say.

Red or white don't make no nevermind.

It was wine made from water.

Ain't that good enough for you?

- All wine ain't the same.

Lord help us if Jesus made cheap wine for that wedding.

I can't imagine him making no cheap wine.

Not like that Boone's Farm

you and Aunt Donna Sue drink.

- Child, the nonsense that you fill your head with.

No wonder you're flunking school

thinking about stuff like that

rather than geometry and history.

- Oh God, I am so smart, Mama. Call me Miss Brilliant.

Okay, I just figured it out.

- What did you figure out, Miss Filthy Mouth?

- They served fish at that wedding Jesus was at, Mama.

White wine is for fish and red wine is for meat.

Martha Stewart said so.

So Jesus made white wine out of that water.

Mama, with a mind like I have, I could win a scholarship

to Bible school.

- Ain't no Bible school in the country gonna open its doors

to a tramp like you, Miss Blossom.

? She hates the devil ?

? Loves the good Lord Jesus ?

? She works all week at the welfare office ?

? Plays bingo every Friday ?

? If she wins there's a ruckus ?

? That's Scarlett's mama ?

? Mama's daughter is awesome ?

? Scarlett May Blossom ?

(lively music)

? She's a trailer park beauty with big brown eyes ?

? Born a Dixie rose under Alabama skies ?

? 18 years old ?

(wheels screeching)

(bell tolling)

- We pray for the sick on Wednesday night.

Today's Sunday, Casting Out Demons Day.

- When I first saw Pastor Boyd,

his eyes met mine, but not for long,

'cause he suddenly glanced at my boobs

and then started to smile

with his yellow teeth and all.

I even thought I could see

a bit of dribble coming off his chin.

- I'm gonna ask once again,

who among y'all might have unknowingly,

perhaps even sinfully, invited a demon into your heart?

- Pastor, you want Scarlett May Blossom.

Sins of the flesh and lust.

- Come forward, young lady and let the Lord bless you.

- I got up on the stage

and Pastor Boyd put his sweaty old paws around me.

Next thing I knew I was surrounded by swarms of church folk

and they was putting their hands on me too.

It's supposed to be righteous and holy,

the laying on of hands.

- Say, forgive me Jesus.

I have sinned. Say it loud.

Let the whole world hear you.

Let them hear you down to the depths of Satan's Hell.

- I went along with it all

just 'cause there were so many people around.

What could I do?

- Let her not walk the wayward path

of the prostitute or a harlot.

- Now that made me mad.

I wasn't no prostitute and I wasn't no harlot either.

Pastor Boyd was giving my name a black eye

with the Lord when I didn't do nothing

but give my algebra teacher a little loving

to relieve him of his stress

and help me graduate from high school.

- We will not stand by while you drag this lovely girl

to the fires of damnation.

(guitar strumming)

Are you listening, Devil?

I hereby cast you out.

- Then, all of a sudden,

Pastor Boyd excused everyone from the church.

He said that he and Debbie Jo, his fat wife,

would finish up with me,

but that the coffee was getting cold over yonder

in the reception hall across the yard.

Every last one of them believers got up and headed out.

Then Pastor Boyd put some kind of smelly handkerchief

over my face.

It smelled like he might have barfed in it or something.

It was enough to make me wanna toss my waffles.

Right about then the fat lady

put her big sweaty hand over my mouth

and told me I'd better hush my mouth up

and I better not say nothing to nobody about this

'cause they knew where I lived

and I might just end up becoming mysteriously disappeared.

- You've been a very naughty little girl.

- Needless to say, I got a real good look at that ceiling

and I'll probably never forget it.

? So listen my friends ?

? You'll get what I mean ?

? When I tell you about the ceilings I've seen ?

Right around then the man walked in.

He came right passed us and sat down in the pew

in front of us.

He looked a lot like Jeff Foxworthy, my hero.

Every girl has a true crush

when she's young and mine was Jeff.

I loved his redneck jokes and southern accent.

Even Mama thought he was cute as a bug's ear and all.

I didn't know it then, of course,

but I was soon to find out this man was from the FBI,

tracking this phony preacher and his fat wife

who were actually child molesters

on the FBI's most wanted list,

whose real names was Clarence and Martha Zimmer.

Then the door busted open and the cops came in

and that fella that looked like Jeff Foxworthy

was with them.

That's when I reckoned for the first time

that he must have been a cop too.

- Clarence and Martha Zimmer, you are under arrest

for multiple cases of molestation,

including one of the parishioners of this very church today.

- Cole explained he was a special agent for the FBI.

He said that Clarence and Martha Zimmer

was wanted on felony sex charges from Atlanta, Georgia

all the way up to Shreveport, Louisiana.

(light music)

- How do you spell your name, Miss?

- S-C-A-R-L-E-T-T.

- Middle name May?

- We named her that

'cause we thought she was gonna be born in May.

She was supposed to be a premature baby,

but she turned out to be late and she's been late

for everything ever since.

- Mama, please don't interrupt. He's talking to me.

- And your last name is Blossom. Like a flower.

- Yep, Blossom.

- I was always thinking after we picked out her name

that it had a secret meaning,

that Scarlett would blossom one day

into a proper young woman.

And that's what it really means

when you say Scarlett May Blossom.

- Mama, for the love of Jesus,

would you please shut up.

The FBI officer is speaking to me, not you.

- Don't talk to your mama like that.

You show me some respect.

- Of course I respect you Mama,

but I respect you much more when you don't talk.

- I have some very sensitive questions to ask you, Miss.

Normally I would do this in private,

but given your age,

I think it's appropriate that your mother be present.

I'd like you to think about my questions carefully,

and don't exaggerate or make anything up.

So here's my first question.

When Clarence Zimmer was on top of you,

was their actual penetration?

- What exactly do you mean by that?

- Did Clarence Zimmer's penis enter into your vagina

at any time?

- Yes, I believe it did.

However, I didn't feel nothing 'cause it was so small.

- So you're claiming that Clarence Zimmer raped you?

- It wasn't rape. He was casting the Devil outta me.

So it was all my fault,

or the Devil's, depending on how you look at it.

(light music)

- It wasn't your fault, child.

And let's not blame it on the Devil.

The blame belongs fair and square

to that phony pastor.

- But mama, after what happened,

the Devil flew right on outta me.

I'll never lay down with a man again

till the day I put on my wedding dress

and walk down the aisle to say, I sure as hell do.

(wedding music)

- And didn't I teach you not to say hell?

Especially not in front of a gentleman from the FBI?

- Ma'am, if you'll just let me ask the questions.

- I wasn't asking no questions, I was just making a comment.

- Why don't you be a real good mama

and wait outside so Cole here can ask me all the questions

his little heart desires without you butting your nose in

to make comments.

- Don't talk to your mama that way, Scarlett.

Especially not when I'm having a spell.

My heart ain't beating right.

It's going patoot, pawoosh, patoot,

just like the washer machine does when it's out of balance.

(machine rumbling)

- Mama, calm down and behave yourself now.

Don't go gettin' your bowels in an uproar.

Cole here said he was gonna make this nice and quick,

but with you overreacting,

we'll end up spending the night here,

- Miss Scarlett, it's extremely important

that you don't discuss this episode with anyone,

especially not the press if they should contact you.

- I have no reason to speak to the press, Mr. Brooks.

I surely don't wanna be all over the news

or nothing like that.

- Well good. We have a federal case against the Zimmers.

You'll be receiving a summons to appear in court

to testify in front of a grand jury in Washington DC.

Please appreciate just how important this is.

The Zimmers are a perfect example

of the way con artists these days

prey on innocent young women.

You need to be very careful, Scarlett.

You're quite attractive

and there are a lot of people out there

who will not have your best interest at heart.

It's getting worse than ever before.

Especially now that everyone is hooked up to the internet

with such free and easy access to pornography.

You'd be amazed at some of the con schemes we've uncovered.

White slavery is definitely on the increase.

- I certainly will be careful, sir.

- There are a lot of unscrupulous wealthy men out there

who arrange to have attractive young women kidnapped

and then they turn them into sex slaves.

- I don't wanna end up nobody's slave.

- Sometimes they're even exported from this country

to other continents such as Africa.

- Africa? I've got lots of friends in Africa.

- What kind of friends?

- Oh don't worry. They're real respectable and all.

They work for banks and stuff like that.

- You know for a fact that they work for banks

or they just tell you that they work for banks?

- Well, nobody knows nothing for a fact,

but I trust they're gonna give me the money

I'm supposed to inherit from my uncle

who died in a plane crash.

- Was his last name Blossom? - No, it was Duseldork.

- Duseldork? I see. Did he die in Africa?

- Yes, but he was from Germany.

- I just want you to be careful, Scarlett.

You've had one bad experience.

I just want it to end there.

- You sound just like my daddy

when he ain't been drinking beer all night.

But thanks for worrying about me.

I'm glad you rescued me and that you care.

- You'll be hearing from us in the near future

regarding the Zimmer trial.

- All right, I hope I hear from you real soon, Jeff.

I mean Cole.

I'm sorry, I just think you look like Jeff Foxworthy

and I've got a big crush on Jeff Foxworthy.

Next thing I knew, a really strange thing happened.

I got an email from England

telling me I'd won the British Sweepstakes.

- International Sweepstakes,

ticket number 5 6 4 7 5 6 0 0 5 4 5 1 8 8,

Prize Award Department, 8000C Charing Cross Road, London.

The board of directors and entire staff

of the National Lottery of the United Kingdom

wish to inform you, your email account

has been picked as a winner

of our 1 million pounds sterling in cash.

However, for the release of your winnings,

you are required to appear in person

not later than 5:00 PM on September 1st

at British Lottery Headquarters.

You must bring this email certificate with you.

Congratulations from the entire staff.

- Mama, I keep getting these emails

promising me lots of money.

The latest one tells me I won the British Sweepstakes.

- How did I raise a girl so naive as you, child?

Lord have mercy. People lie and emails lie.

How many times does Mama have to tell you,

don't believe everything you hear

and don't believe everything you read.

(light music)

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Somewhere on Bourbon Street ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? I'm trying to drown my misery ?

? Well I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? and a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? And it's bottom's up for me ?

? I'm on the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Poor old pitiful me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? is looking down on me ?

? Well, I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders ?

? and a bottle in front of me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Bottom's up for me ?

? Yeah, the bottom half of rock bottom ?

? Ain't no kind of place to be ?

(light music)

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