Original subtitles

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

(SNIFFS)

(TRAIN STOPPING)

This is me.

-Are you gonna be okay? -Yeah.

Thought it was a terrorist attack, but it wasn't. (SIGHS)

-Er, I'll see you tomorrow? -Mmm-hmm.

Unless something bad happens to me on the way home.

I could get mugged.

But I'll probably still come into work cos I'm new

and I want to make a good impression.

(SIGHS) It would have to be something really bad,

like an assault.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, I hope nothing bad happens to you.

-Thanks. -MAN: (OVER PA) Sorry, folks,

slight issue with the doors. Shouldn't be too long.

(DISTANT COUGH)

Maybe we should get another drink.

I've actually got to get back.

-So, erm... -Yeah, no, I didn't mean that.

I meant another time or never.

I mean, I totally would, but, erm...

(SIGHS)

Me and Shula are kind of back on.

Ooh.

Are back on, not kind of. So... (SIGHS)

I didn't mean it in that way,

anyway, obviously, cos we work together. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, no, I didn't think you did.

This would've been like a meeting.

And I don't think of you that way.

And when I do, I'm like... (RETCHES)

-Just to be clear. -Yeah, that was really clear.

-Er, so... -Yeah, yeah...

-...good night. -...see you around, bye.

WOMAN: (OVER PA) This is Finsbury Park.

Change here for the Piccadilly line...

MARNIE: Last time I had penetrative sex,

David Cameron was Prime Minister.

Nobody should have that as a sexual reference point.

And, now I've got my diagnosis,

I can be with someone and enjoy it properly,

instead of spending the whole time

worrying I'm a perv, having an inappropriate thought.

I'm not letting my thoughts cockblock me any more.

-So, they've just stopped? -Yeah.

No doctor, no therapy, no drugs, no recovery?

-You're just better? -Yeah, pretty much.

And if I do get one, I'm like,

"It's not me, it's my OCD," and it stops.

Cos I was gonna say, if you want,

I could always refer you to my guy.

-Hey. -MARNIE: Why? Is he single?

That's not what I meant, is it?

MARNIE: No, I'm not doing therapy.

Sitting in a room, talking about myself and my feelings

when I could be out there, feeling stuff and people.

I want to live.

I'm in London, there's like, four million males here.

I could have sex with all of them if I wanted to.

I could sex with him, or him, or him.

Or, erm, hmm, yeah, not him

cos he'd always be asking me for money. Annoying.

And actually, it doesn't matter if he's fit.

Don't care about his personality.

I just care about his cock.

He's not just a piece of meat, you know, Marnie.

Are you here to gossip or graft?

-I gotta go, all right? -Who's that? Is he fit?

(LAUGHS) See you tomorrow.

(LAUGHS)

(LIFT DINGS)

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER EARPHONES)

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Great you weren't mugged or assaulted.

Nope, I am alive.

Cool.

(SIGHS)

Babe, can you do a coffee run?

And get a receipt, cos we're out of petty cash.

-Remind me. -Yup.

Cheers.

(SIGHS)

So, why are you planting onions if they're already onions?

That's cos they're daffodils, you nana.

I've got you a little something, actually.

-Oh. -For your anniversary.

-(SNIFFLES) -Sam, sweetheart.

Just a little joke.

Help you get back on the horse,

or woman.

(CHARLIE CHUCKLES)

Seriously, mate, I'm proud of you.

You earned that, yeah, every fucking day of it.

You got anything special planned?

Seeing a mate.

(EXHALES)

And trying to get something in the diary with Flora.

She said if I was sober, she'd see me,

so we could talk about us.

-Oh, you've seen her? -No, that was last year.

She said that last year.

A lot can change in a year, mate.

She's the reason I'm still here.

I did it for her.

How do I say that?

(SIGHS) Okay, now it's like Loose Women in here.

Just give me your phone.

-Hey, oi... -Just back off.

-Fuck off. Don't do it. -I've got a trowel. Go on.

Is that the first mobile phone?

No smiley faces. Always with the smiley faces.

"Dear, Flora,

"you said we could talk when I've been sober a year.

"That's now. I'd love it if you got in touch.

"Love, Charlie."

That's lovely.

-Smiley face? -Yeah, maybe not.

Smiley face.

-(MOBILE SNAPS SHUT) -(SNIFFLES)

(DUSTS HIS HANDS)

And if she doesn't reply?

(SIGHS)

Well, then I'll have to be your plus one

when we go horse riding.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Go on, crack on.

Well, what can I get you?

Hi. Er, quite a lot, actually.

It's not all for me. Don't even like coffee.

(SMACKS LIPS) What's wrong with you?

Er, you know, when you just don't like something

so you avoid it?

-Like, shaving. -(SCOFFS)

Well, that's cos you've never had my coffee.

Well, I don't like it, so...

Well, maybe I should make you one so you can see.

-Maybe you should. -Maybe I will.

I will.

-MARNIE: It's not me, it's my OCD. -(STEAM HISSING)

That's semi-skimmed he's frothing...

-(EXHALES) -Not man milk.

Right, this is a Cortado.

Your Espresso is cut

with equal quantities of warm milk

to reduce acidity.

That's not a cock, that's meant to be a...

...heart.

-Uh-oh. -Try it.

BOTH: Mmm.

(SMACKS LIPS) That's on the house.

-Wow, thanks. -Anytime.

Well, not like anytime,

cos then, I'd never make a profit.

(CHUCKLES)

-Oh, should I stamp that? -Yes, please.

(MIMICS MORTAR SHELL WHISTLING)

Thanks. -Ah, come on. -Ooh.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Just going back to that free coffee thing,

erm, maybe I could get you one back?

Well, I already get it free, because I work here, so...

-I meant alcohol. In a pub. -Oh, okay.

Cos I do like the taste of that.

Yeah, that'd be great.

-Is tonight too soon? -No, I can do tonight.

Great.

-I finish at 6:00. -Same.

-(SMACKS LIPS) I'll come... -Here and we could...

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah. Yep.

(PANTING)

(SIGHS)

Hey. Can you come in early tomorrow

and set up the boardroom for an investors meeting?

-Yeah. How early? -7:30.

Sorry, perks of being an intern.

Get some juice, fruit, pastries. That sort of thing.

Is there petty cash, or...

No, sorry, no one's been to the bank.

-(SIGHS) -Just get a receipt again.

-Sorry. -That's fine.

♪ Rama Lama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

♪ Rama Lama Lama Lama Lama Lama Ding ♪

♪ Rama lama, lama-lama-lama ding dong ♪

♪ Rama lama, lama-lama-lama-lama ding ♪

♪ Rama lama, lama-lama-lama ding dong ♪

♪ Rama lama, lama-lama-lama-lama ding ♪

♪ Rama lama, lama-lama-lama ding dong ♪

♪ Rama lama, lama-lama-lama-lama ding ♪

♪ Ooh, ah, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I got a girl named Rama Lama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

♪ She' everything to me ♪

♪ Rama Lama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

(GROANS)

♪ For she's mine, all mine ♪

(COUGHS)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

(EXHALES)

♪ I got a girl named Rama Lama Lama Lama Lama Ding Dong ♪

Babe, what are you trying to do?

Wings.

Like you're trying to draw a house. Come here.

Thanks.

It's a bit much for the tube home.

I'm going for a drink.

You got a date?

Well, we're just calling it a drink.

Who is he?

I'm assuming it's a bloke,

because, you know, it's not Sunday

and that's your gay day.

It's just some guy I met.

-Is it Joe? -What? No way!

No, I think it's great, you know.

You putting yourself out there, meeting new people.

I'm getting to know my city. Being sociable.

-Like a Labrador. Pissing on things. -(CHUCKLES)

Dry-humping people. (CHUCKLES)

You go back to his, he's not gonna let you up on the bed.

I won't be going back to his.

♪ Unh, unh ♪

Hmm, right, wait, wait.

MARNIE: What? Do I kiss weird?

I'm just keen.

I wanna look at you.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Ta-da!

Mmm.

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

Aw. (LAUGHS)

-(EXHALES) You like it? -(LAUGHS)

I'm not the biggest fan of them,

but, erm, this one is...

Yeah. Yeah.

So, you'd rather if I didn't have one?

♪ Six such strait A's ♪

♪ Cut 'em in the bathroom ♪

♪ So this is it then? ♪

-I want you to make me cum. -Okay.

(EXHALES)

(KISSES)

Er, not like that.

With your mouth.

Mmm, naughty, naughty.

(EXHALES) That I, er, can do.

(KISSES)

♪ Unh-unh, unh-unh ♪

♪ Unh, unh, unh ♪

(SIGHS) (SMACKS LIPS) I love doing this.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

-I love it. -Okay.

(SIGHS)

♪ 16, 6, 6, and you fell apart ♪

-(MOANS) -Ooh. (WINCING)

-What's up? -It's, er... It's just the bristles.

-Oh, sorry. -(CHUCKLES)

(BENJI GROANING)

MARNIE: Are those sounds of pleasure or disgust?

-(GROANS LOUDLY) -(MARNIE SHUSHES)

Is it usually this loud? Is that normal?

Am I too wet? Is that pervy?

(DISTORTED MOAN)

What if it tastes weird?

(SHUSHES) No.

It's not me, it's my OCD.

I'm having an intrusive thought.

BENJI: Mmm.

MARNIE: I'm having an intrusive thought.

(MOANING)

I'm having an...

(MOANS) Keep doing that.

(MOANS)

♪ You're all alone, friend, pick up the phone -- ♪

(ALARM BEEPING)

(BENJI HUMMING)

MARNIE: Just because I didn't cum,

doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it.

I mildly did.

I can't expect fireworks from every random shag.

A sparkler's fine.

Or one of those jazzy birthday candles

that keeps relighting.

Never comes to anything,

but still manages to raise a smile.

Hey, beautiful.

(MOANS)

Last night blew my mind.

What's happened to your face?

Er, I shaved it.

Cos of not what I said?

Wow, look at you.

I mean...

We can't have that happen every time, can we?

(CREEPY MUSIC PLAYING)

Er, I said I'd be in by 7:30.

-So... -Oh, sick,

we can go in together.

Twenty minutes?

(SOFT CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

(BENJI HUMMING)

Oh!

We should do that.

Be on the water,

eat a decadent meal, drink some fine wine.

Truly appreciate the beauty of this magical city.

Er, yeah.

When?

Er, I... (STUTTERS)

I need to check my iCal later.

Well, it's a date.

When you pick one.

-(BEEP) -Ooh, shit, this is me.

No, it's not.

Yeah, no, I forgot.

I've got to pick up some stuff for work. So...

-Oh, well, I'll see you later. -Okay, bye.

♪ You and I travel to the beat of a different drum ♪

♪ Oh, can't you tell by the way I run ♪

♪ Every time you make eyes at me ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ You cry ♪

♪ And moan and say it will work out ♪

Marnie.

MARNIE: Hi. Er,

I can't really talk right now. I'm at work.

Oh, I thought something terrible had happened.

I was Googling rapes and murders in London just in case.

-Where were you? -Stayed at a mate's.

-Well, a strange man's flat. -Oh!

Yeah, the police said that was the most...

You called the police?

Well, it said to call 101

if I was that concerned about your welfare.

-Which I was. -I'm fine.

Just really aware of my vagina.

Yeah. And I care about that vagina.

SHEREEN: I want to know about it.

I want to know where it's been. -No you don't.

And whether it's gonna come home at night.

So, a simple text from it

or the person attached to it, would be nice.

I didn't know you'd be this bothered.

This is an appropriate response if you live with someone.

Okay. Sorry.

I should work.

If you want inappropriate, look to your employers

for exploiting young creative workers

with unrealistic work hours, zero pay,

not even a travel card.

If I don't do it, someone else will.

-Exactly, you're dispensable. -No, I'm not...

I'm still waiting on those absence figures, Karen.

Karen!

♪ Aren't you glad you're you? ♪

-Morning. -Hey.

Oh, shit, babe.

I forgot to text you. They cancelled.

But I bought all this stuff.

Sorry to drag you from your bed.

-Or was it someone else's? -MARNIE: What?

-How was your date? -Yeah, it was fine.

-What did you get up to? -Er, just got a drink, chatted.

So, you didn't stay at his and buy that top on your way in?

No.

Boop!

He let you up on the bed then, huh?

I bought this ages ago.

Who is it? Come on, don't be so secretive.

MARNIE: Doesn't matter who it is.

I'm not gonna see him again.

Well, I might see him with my eyes

if I bump into him.

(GROANS) Oh, what are you, four?

Actually, I could murder a cuppa.

Morning, lads.

-Moira. -Oh, it's actually Marnie.

Can you make sure the fashion stock

from the freebie cupboard gets returned?

-All the stuff on the rails. -Er, yeah.

It's got to be today, okay?

Today is like the last day we can do it,

and it's like two grand worth of stuff.

So leave plenty of time, cos it's not all one shop.

Okay.

-Nice top. -Thanks.

(INAUDIBLE)

Sorry.

Fuck off.

(SIGHS)

So, good holiday?

Was it a holiday, though?

Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts.

Well, it was a kind of holiday.

-Not really, though. -A bit.

It wasn't.

Anyway, I'm better.

I want to come back. Finish off my placement.

God, I haven't been on a holiday for like...

Since Mauritius.

So, I was... I was just wondering

what I needed to do in order to do that.

-Are you sure you're ready? -Definitely. Yeah. Absolutely.

Cos the last time was very, erm, badly-timed.

I'll time my next mental breakdown

more considerately.

Joke. There won't be one.

(SIGHS) This is it. So...

(SARAH CLEARS THROAT)

You'll have to meet the partners.

Of course.

LIBBY: Tell people team meeting in five.

-Do you want tea? -Er, no, I fancy a coffee.

But one of those really wanky ones from downstairs.

(BENJI MOANING)

Okay, yeah.

Yeah. I can do that.

(SMACKS LIPS) Erm, maybe from somewhere else, though?

Actually, let's have it down there. Change of scene.

Or, maybe we could just go somewhere else,

cos it is technically the same building,

so if you wanted that change of scene...

I can't be arsed walking.

BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

LIBBY: When am I getting your celibacy piece?

-It was in my... -I've got a flat white.

You can just leave them there. Thanks.

All right.

AMBER: I've got a potential ping on this podcaster,

if I can actually get a one-to-one with her.

Nancy Vergallo.

She's playing hard to get,

which is fine cos she is probably busy progressing

the role of women in society.

(CHUCKLES) She's kind of brilliant.

So, I'll get the nun piece

the morning after you've shagged her, then?

-(OTHERS CHUCKLE) -AMBER: It's professional admiration.

-(GASPS) -BENJI: Oh, whoops.

Oh, shit! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh.

(STUTTERS) I got it, I got it.

I'll get you another one.

(MOUTHING) Sorry.

Cortado.

-I said a tea? -Surprise.

Well, somebody's got a fan.

Er, nope.

Well, don't ask him for a loyalty card,

cos the last intern did, and she ended up with an STD.

(SIGHS)

I might just switch this for a tea.

And get a cloth.

Good day.

Could you tone it down a bit? Cos I'm at work.

-Oh. Okay. -Okay?

-Okay, yeah. -Thank you.

-Hey, wait, wait, wait. -What?

What are you, er, doing after this?

-I was just gonna have a night in. -Sounds perfect.

I could, er, cook.

(EXHALES) I meant at my house. Erm, thanks, though.

-Sorry, have I done something? -What? No.

-Then what's changed since this morning? -Nothing.

Well, it just seemed like, this morning you were, like, really into it.

And now, you're just, not.

Did I say I wasn't into it?

I just said I can't do tonight. Maybe another time.

-"Maybe"? -(SMACKS LIPS) Yeah.

Wow. Okay.

(SMACKS LIPS) Yeah.

I knew you'd be like this, actually, cos, erm,

you're so good-looking.

-(LAUGHS) We went on a date. -We made love, Marnie.

No, we didn't.

We had sex. That's all. Just sex.

And, it's finished.

And can I get a cloth, please?

-(MUTTERS) Fucking slut. -What?

Cloth.

Some interesting thoughts there.

(CHUCKLES)

MARNIE: Do they know we had sex?

Can they smell it off my hair?

Do they think I'm a skank?

I'm having an intrusive thought.

I'm having an intrusive thought.

I'm having an intrusive thought.

Amber, Joe, can we have that chat?

MARNIE: It's a meeting about how inappropriate I am.

I've tried to do sexual things

with three different people in this building

in the space of a week.

Fuck, that's sexual harassment.

(MOBILE PHONE PINGS)

Am I the office letch?

I think like one, and I act like one.

If I get the sack, it's proof I am one.

What is going on with your chin?

MARNIE: She thinks it's an STD.

-(MOANS) -Shut up!

I'm having an intrusive thought.

But, I'm the one having it, so it must be my thought.

What if I don't have OCD?

What if I am a sex pest,

and it's just an excuse for me to perv?

Moira. You need to take the clothes like I told you to.

Yeah, I know. Sorry, I'm doing it now.

-What are you doing? -Nothing.

Moira.

-Where did you find this one? -I said LinkedIn.

-LIBBY: What's the problem? -(MOANS)

-Ask her. -What were you doing?

-Not what she thinks. -I think she's drinking.

-Babe, at work? -Is there something wrong with you?

(MOANING)

(LAUGHS)

I don't know.

Maybe I'm mental.

(BLUBBERING)

I know you all think I'm some sort of nympho,

but I'm not.

I'm a normal woman with sexual needs

and I shouldn't have to apologise for it.

-Babe... -But, sorry

for having sex with a barista.

Sorry for technically shagging my way here.

Oh, I don't know...

Sorry for asking out a co-worker

even though he's got a girlfriend. Just trying to be nice.

But, oh, no, suddenly I'm a pervert.

Well, you're slut-shaming.

Come with me for a walk. We'll take five minutes.

No! You don't know what I need.

You don't know me.

You've not been inside me. You don't know what I'm like.

So, fuck this. I'm not taking this.

Treating me like the office letch.

Like I'm dirty, disgusting.

-What are you doing? -MARNIE: Leaving.

I wouldn't work here if you paid me.

Which you don't.

In fact, working here has actually cost me £63.72.

-If you go now, that's it. -Good!

I know that's it, cos I'm saying that.

That's what I said!

You totally stole that top as well.

What, this?

Do you want it, Sef?

-Here, you can have it. -(GRUNTS)

And, I'm taking these, cos I bought them.

Marnie, out!

(LAUGHS) Oh, hi. Flora, wow.

Hi.

Charlie. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

Erm, Seb, could you maybe...

I have to feed the cats anyway. So, er...

They remember if you don't.

So, you two are...

-Flatmates. -Ah, great.

Couldn't afford the rent on my own.

A two-bed in Shoreditch. Are you joking?

That's uh... It's good that you've got someone.

Yeah, he's, er...

-Pretty fucking irritating, actually. -(LAUGHS)

-Knives laid up in the dishwasher. -Sociopath.

Uses my butter, doesn't recycle.

Cos I was like, "He's attractive.

"I don't have a chance."

And now, I'm like, "Well, maybe I do."

How've you been, anyway?

-You look really... -Sober.

-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, it said in my... In my text.

I didn't know what to say.

So, can we talk?

I mean, I know we're talking, but, like, talk, talk.

Like we said we would after it had been a year.

It's been a year. 365 days.

-(BOTH LAUGH) -Oh, it's great.

You're great. Willpower. (LAUGHS)

The thing is,

every one of those days was for you.

So, there's that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's where I'm at right now.

For me, you know, emotionally.

-Right. -I'm sorry.

But, it's great... It's good that you're doing so well.

Yeah. Yeah, er, I am. I am.

I just wanted to make sure that you weren't,

you know, counting the days.

We should catch up.

You know what? I'm super busy at the moment. So...

Another time.

-It was really nice to see you. -Yeah, just...

(GRUNTS) For God's sake.

♪ Help me, Lord, help me, Jesus ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm lonely ♪

(PANTING)

♪ And tired ♪

♪ Help me, Lord, it ain't easy ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm ♪

Oh, crap.

♪ Livin' with the blind ♪

♪ I got no reason ♪

♪ To believe in ♪

♪ Anything ♪

(LINE RINGING)

-MAN: Hello, mate. -(MUMBLING) Hey.

♪ Help me, Lord, help me, Jesus ♪

Hello. What are you up to?

(LAUGHS) I'm in an average pub on my own.

You still up for doing something?

Er, yeah, that's why I phoned. Cos someone's gotta celebrate.

Well, do you want to come to mine?

Oh, getting a tour of the old palace.

The old family pile.

The old "where you live". (LAUGHS)

I'll text you the address.

All right, bye.

♪ God, I'm hoping ♪

♪ For a reason ♪

♪ To be here ♪

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

-Oi, oi, how's your father? -There she is, bring it in for me...

You all right? Willkommen.

-Didn't know you were posh. -Er, parents.

They're at their place in France,

so I get the run of this.

-(BELL DINGS) -Drink?

(SCOFFS)

Are they famous or something?

My mum was in Midsomer Murders.

That's my dad. He's in music.

Doesn't play it. He just takes credit for other people.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

All right, what can I get you, madame?

-Erm, whisky. That one. -Six-hundred quid a bottle.

-(INHALES) Or something else is fine. -No, this will do.

-Will your dad not mind? -He won't notice.

Thanks, Howard.

(SIGHS)

Oh... Congratulations.

-A year is ages. -Cheers.

-(GLASSES CLINK) -Yay!

Did it myself.

I'm really, erm... I'm really glad you came.

Me, too.

Are you okay?

Mmm.

-Charlie. -Yeah. Yeah.

(SNIFFLES)

-I'm fine. -(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Thanks. (SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)

Come here.

(EXHALES)

Oh. Thanks.

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

I just... I just got to... (SNIFFLES)

-MARNIE: Yeah. -(GRUNTS)

-Shall I? -No. (EXHALES)

Just give me... Just give me a second.

(SIGHS) Give me a second. Just give me a second.

-Hmm. -It's okay, we don't have to.

Yeah, we do. Come on.

(EXHALES)

(GROANS AND SNIFFLES)

Oh, fuck.

-(TROUSERS ZIPPING) -(SIGHS)

Can you just, erm... Can you just go, please?

What?

Can you just get out? (SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

Get out!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh. How is your vagina? (LAUGHS)

Are you okay?

-You've been drinking again? -Yeah, I've been drinking,

-cos it's fucking fun. -It doesn't look like fun.

Trampolining is fun, or singing or bank holidays.

-Eating cereal straight out of the box... -(SHUSHES)

Stop it, Shereen. Stop!

(SIGHS)

It's just a quick tidy.

(SOBBING)

Everything's...

Everything's been a...

(MUFFLED) I need help, Shereen, or I'm going to spin away.

I don't want to spin away.

You won't. You won't, you won't.

It's okay.

You won't, because I... Look, I've got you, okay?

I've got you. Come here.