Original subtitles

Have you ever had one of those weird, distressing thoughts

where you're just like, "Fuck!

"Where did that come from?"

Like something totally inappropriate or shocking.

Like imagining your boss naked.

Or punching an old person in the street.

-(THUMPS) -(CHUCKLES)

Or jumping off a train platform.

(TRAIN WHISTLES)

Most people can easily dismiss them,

um, 'cause you know deep down

that you don't really want to do those things.

But, what happens when the part of your brain

that allows you to dismiss those thoughts isn't working properly?

What happens if you get those thoughts so regularly

that they start to become a real challenge

to your sense of self

that you just don't know who you are any more?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I won't take all that they hand me down ♪

(NARRATING) It's a bad day if it ends with you

freezing your tits off in a lay-by.

As of two hours ago, my life is fucked.

Literally.

The kind of fucked you cannot come back from.

♪ 'Cause I'm not like everybody else ♪

♪ I'm not like everybody else ♪

♪ I'm not like everybody else ♪

♪ I'm not like everybody else ♪

(ENGINE REVVING)

♪ And I don't want to ball about like everybody else ♪

♪ And I don't want to live my life like everybody else ♪

That might look like a smile, but it's total delusion.

-Oh, I've already paid him, Mum. -(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(MOUTHING)

-Take that, come on. I booked the cab. -Mum, I don't want your money.

-No, Marnie, don't be silly. -No, Mum.

Oh, really? Like I gave you a lap dance.

Is there a function going on?

♪ And I don't want to live my life like everybody else ♪

♪ And I don't want to stay fine like everybody else ♪

ALL: Surprise!

-Did you do this? -Come on.

Our wee busy-body.

How did you get everyone's numbers?

♪ Like everybody else ♪

♪ Like everybody else ♪

♪ Like everybody else ♪

♪ Like everybody else ♪

♪ Like everybody else ♪

♪ Like everybody else ♪

♪ Like everybody else ♪

MARNIE: Hello.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Sorry. It's the speech now. (LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

(YELLING) Speech!

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

I wish my parents weren't so popular,

then there wouldn't be so many of you.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I thought I'd say a few words

for Mum and Dad's special anniversary.

And they didn't have any other kids, so it had to be me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

On the plus side, being the only child,

I do get all the inheritance.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Thanks for having that vasectomy, Dad.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Shout out to my pal Helen.

Um, for helping me pull this off.

And to Gran for paying for it.

I still got her credit card. She forgot.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

No, I'm only joking. I just kept it.

No. (LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

What can I say about Mum and Dad?

They just go together.

They come as a pair.

They're like... trousers or scissors.

Or spectacles.

The world wouldn't make sense if they weren't together.

You inspire me.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

And on the third Friday of the month,

let's just say you do not want

to be in the bedroom next to theirs.

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

Massive third wheel. Shit.

Um...

Sorry. (LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

Ah.

(LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

(SIGHS)

It's a bit shit for them 'cause I still live at home.

I'm one of those people

who moves home with their parents after uni.

And... works their summer job

until something better comes along,

and 13 months later, still hasn't done anything with their English degree.

Except for write this.

Collection of words.

Uh...

(SIGHS) Stop.

Uh, um...

(PANTING)

Fuck. Sorry.

My hands are sweating. Is it hot in here?

It's hot. It's hot.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(WOMAN MOANING IN PLEASURE)

(WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY)

(YELLING) Stop it!

(BALLOON POPS)

MARNIE: Welcome to the fucked-up mystery that is my life.

Sorry if that made you a bit sick in your mouth.

I've thought about a lot of awful things,

but that shit show was the mother of them all.

♪ Loneliness ♪

When I was 14, I started having

relentless graphic thoughts about sex.

Not just sex, sex. Fucked-up sex.

Sex-that-gets-you-arrested sex.

And 3,723 days later,

it hasn't stopped.

♪ The sun ain't gonna shine anymore ♪

♪ The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky ♪

(ENGINE REVVING)

♪ The tears are always cloudin' your eyes ♪

It's like The Sixth Sense, but I don't see dead people.

I see naked ones.

I've turned everyone and everything you can imagine into filth.

Except my family.

Until today.

♪ With nothin' to lose ♪

Most people moved to London to seek their fortune.

I'll settle for some fucking answers.

♪ The sun ain't gonna shine anymore ♪

♪ The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky ♪

♪ The tears are always cloudin' your eyes ♪

(SIREN WAILING)

♪ When you're without love ♪

♪ The sun ain't gonna shine anymore ♪

♪ The sun ain't gonna shine anymore ♪

(MOBILE VIBRATING)

♪ The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky ♪

I'm doing them a favour.

Nobody wants a pervert for a daughter.

They can't stick that in their Christmas newsletter.

(MOBILE VIBRATING)

(SIGHS WEARILY)

(HORN HONKS)

That's not just a random nipple.

That's 781 minutes of thinking what I could do to it.

Lick it, suck it,

flick it, milk... it?

(WHOOSHES)

For fuck's sake.

(SIGHS)

-(MOANS IN PLEASURE) -(GASPS)

(KEYS CLICKING)

(BEEPS)

(LINE RINGING)

MARNIE: Hi.

HELEN ON PHONE: For

your mom said you're in fucking London.

What the fuck?

You can't just fuck off to London

and expect me to do nothing.

I was so worried.

(SIGHS)

(GASPING) I...

I just keep... thinking about all this stuff.

What stuff?

You always say that, but you never say what.

-I can't. -WOMAN: Shh.

Do you want me to come down?

'Cause I will. I've got holidays to take.

No. I don't want anyone with me.

Well, what am I supposed to do

if I'm up here and you're down there?

(CRYING) I don't know what's wrong with me.

You're just a bit anxious. Aren't you?

That's what it is. It's anxiety.

Everyone has got it.

- God, you're so mainstream. -(LAUGHS)

(HELEN LAUGHING)

Speak to someone.

Please?

I'm really worried about you, Marn.

So am I.

(CRYING)

(BEEPS)

(TRAIN CHUGGING)

RECEPTIONIST: Marnie MacAuley, room five.

You won't shock me. I've heard some things.

Uh, I just worry all the time.

About sex stuff, mainly.

And what... triggers these worries?

Anyone with genitalia.

Who has an anxiety attack in the M&S lingerie department

or while watching Lorraine?

Oh.

Um, so what is it about those situations

that distresses you?

Well, um, with Lorraine,

uh, I was watching it and I noticed her shoes

'cause she always has nice shoes on.

And I noticed the pointy heels.

And... then I thought about where she could put one.

Like in her vagina.

And then I was like, "Why did I think that?"

Do I want to do that to Lorraine?

So, then I tried to unthink it,

but then it just made me think about it more.

And then it was an hour later,

and I was still thinking about it

and... I couldn't breathe.

That's why it distressed me.

Do you mostly think about women?

Uh, not just women, but--

You have explicit sexual thoughts about them

and it upsets you.

Is it possible you could be gay?

Is being gay so hard to imagine?

(SIGHS THOUGHTFULLY)

I haven't been with a woman.

I've spent so much time trying to decide if I want to

and I moved on to the borders after uni

so I couldn't, 'cause it's home.

And you can't sleep with a woman

'cause she probably goes to Zumba with your mum

and you can't go to the doctor

because sometime she comes over to play penny whistle with your dad.

Not a euphemism. It actually happens.

You're not at home any more.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(DOG BARKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-(POPS) -SHEREEN: Sorry!

I had it left over from a work party and I couldn't resist.

(YELLING) 'Cause Marnie's in the house!

(WHOOPING)

Come in! Come in!

Thank you so much for letting me stay.

Thanks for wanting to!

You look amazing, by the way.

Oh, thanks. So do you.

So, what have you been up to?

I've not seen you since school.

Except on Instagram.

And that one time at the Co-op at Christmas.

Um... just uni.

I'd moved home for a bit.

-Worked at the golf club. -Yeah? Then what?

Um... cut to now.

Oh.

I thought you would have written a book by now,

or at least have a podcast or--

That's why I'm here.

Thanks again for letting me stay.

It's fine. It'll be just like school.

Except you'll have to talk to me

and your friends won't victimise me.

(CHUCKLES)

So, uh, where's your spare room?

(LAUGHS)

-Funny. -Yeah, well, I still need to clear it out.

Oh, you're serious?

Well, I did say it's a little bijou,

but it's London, you know?

But, it's private. It's got a door.

Look. You can close it.

-Thanks. -(LAUGHS)

It's just gonna be for a bit while I get myself sorted.

So, what made you come to London?

(INHALES)

Just fancied a change.

Oh, yeah? Me too.

I'm learning shiatsu at the moment

'cause I work in corporate

for Pets For All, and it's really dry.

I can't even remember

the last time I touched an animal.

So, let me know if you want a massage.

Oh, I'm good. Thanks.

Or anything that will make your stay more comfortable.

Like a cup of tea or toothpaste,

biscuits, sanitary towel.

Oyster cards, tourist information leaflet.

Whatever you need, just say.

I can get you anything.

Except drugs.

Well, I can get you cat tranquillisers from work.

Oh, it's okay. I brought my own.

-Oh, did you? -No.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No.

Um, thanks, though.

You're a really good friend.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna go shops, but, er, these are for you.

Thanks!

(YELLING) Welcome to London, mate!

(CHUCKLES)

(MARNIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(ENGINE REVVING)

MARNIE: (NARRATING) It's just a room full of women.

I've been in loads of them.

Toilets, fitting rooms,

Emily Bronte society...

This will be just like that.

Except, I'm wasted

and I won't have to discuss Wuthering Heights.

BARTENDER: Yes?

Uh, can I get a vodka soda, please?

You have some ID?

To see if I'm gay?

To see if you're that.

(LAUGHING)

Sure. Sorry.

Thanks.

(LIQUID TRICKLING)

I like your top.

(CHUCKLES)

You can tap here.

Thanks.

Can I get you a drink?

Thanks.

I'm a teetotaller till Tuesday.

Why?

For this article I'm writing.

I'm like the Duracell Bunny

and my skin is mint,

but I'm boring as fuck on a night out.

Especially when your mates are hammered by half eight.

You're a writer?

Sorry. Do you mind?

She's like right there in front of me.

She thinks I'm looking down her top.

Which I was, because that's what I'm like.

(CHUCKLES)

So...

Been gay for long?

(LAUGHS)

Who asks that?

Have you just come out, or something?

Well, I've opened the door.

I don't want any drama.

Me, neither.

I just want pussy.

So, who do you write for?

Ethel.

It's this online magazine.

Wow!

I wish I could write professionally.

So, what have you been doing?

I've just been living my life.

And then suddenly,

I was like, "I hate my life."

So, the other day, I was like,

"Fuck it.

"I don't have to do this."

I packed a bag,

got on a bus in Scotland

and got off a bus in London.

The other day?

(CHUCKLES) Well, yeah.

And yesterday, I was like,

(YELLING EXCITEDLY) "I have to do this now!"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, shit.

Well, we're always looking for interns,

so... you should send us your CV.

Yeah?

Cool. Thanks.

Obviously, that would be redacted

if your moves are shite.

♪ I feel depressed, I feel so bad ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the best girl that I've ever had ♪

♪ I can't get your love, I can't get a fraction ♪

♪ Oh, little girls, psychotic reaction ♪

♪ And it feels like this ♪

I'm going to the loo.

Oh. All right.

(GIRLS YELLING)

MARNIE: (NARRATING)

It must be like holding a flipper.

Is that desire or anxiety?

MAN: Here's a feeling.

(YELLING) I'm pissed off!

Oh, hey, Amber. You all right?

AMBER: Yeah. Not bad. Yourself?

How is the art stuff going?

Yeah. Just... yeah.

(DOG BARKING)

Right after you.

So, what was this time?

Did you not like her drawings?

It doesn't matter. It's finished.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(THUDS)

(MAN SIGHS WEARILY)

Hi, I'm Marnie.

Joe.

Babe, it's not a meeting.

Yeah. Sorry. That was really formal.

Anyway, I should let you two...

-It's okay. You don't have to. -AMBER: It's fine.

He's just gonna go upstairs

and listen to James Blake on repeat.

It's what he usually does.

So...

Which one's yours?

Um, it's that one.

(THUDDING)

All right.

Just make yourself at home.

It's like Pinterest in here.

When Nana died,

I got loads of her furniture.

Cool.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Not that your gran died,

uh, but that you got free stuff out of it.

And loads of perfume.

I smell like a dead, old lady.

No, I'm being serious. Go on. Smell it.

(LAUGHING)

Do you have anything to drink?

Uh, like, booze, or something like that?

No. I binned it all when I went teetotaller, didn't I?

So...

What shall we do?

I'm just going to go to the loo... again.

(LAUGHS) I've drank a lot.

It's upstairs.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, Amber told me to make myself at home.

And when I'm at home,

I like to relax with a nice glass of sherry.

That's sherry vinegar.

I'm realizing that now.

I've got some vodka in my room.

Are you bragging or offering?

I'm offering.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, then, I'll have some.

With a vinaigrette chaser.

It's okay. You don't have to come.

Yeah. No, I'll wait here.

MARNIE: (THINKING) Why did I think that?

Do I want that?

What if I did that?

I can't get distracted by cock.

Cocks ruin enough already.

They're not ruining my first lesbian encounter.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Straight?

I'm with Amber, so...

I've not got any mixers.

(CHUCKLES)

-Straight's fine. -(CHUCKLES)

Good. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

You all right?

Amber will be wondering where I am.

MARNIE: (NARRATING) It's like having sexual FOMO.

Why am I thinking about men

when I should be thinking about women?

The only way I'll know what I feel in my body

is if I feel nothing in my head.

On a scale of one to fucked up,

how fucked up would it be

if I drank this?

(COUGHS)

♪ And I don't want to say that I feel fine ♪

(COUGHING)

♪ Like everybody else ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm not like everybody else ♪

(SIGHS WEARILY)

♪ I'm not like everybody else ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

(EXHALES)

I think we should have sex.

Whoa. Keeno.

Are you okay? (CHUCKLES)

You've had quite a bit to drink.

Uh, yeah, it makes me really horny.

(CHUCKLING)

You taste really minty.

We should lie down.

Are you sure? We can just do it...

(SHUSHES)

Chatty McChatterson.

(KISSING)

AMBER: I'll do it.

It's a lot easier.

They get real tight at the ankles.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(LAUGHING) It's impossible to see this in a sexy way.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Okay, boss?

Oh. Your knickers are off, too.

I can put them back on

if it's a problem.

No. It's fine.

(EXHALES)

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Yes, I'm ready ♪

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Yes, I'm ready ♪

♪ I don't even know ♪

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

♪ How to love you ♪

Keep going. That's it!

-(AMBER MOANING) -Oh, yes.

♪ Just the way ♪

Oh, darling.

No. (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

What the fuck?

Fuck.

Fuck.

What happened?

I don't think you're my type.

-(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) -What?

I've never done it with a girl before.

(SIGHS)

I didn't know you were that new.

You're practically still in your wrapping.

-Christ. -Sorry.

(CRYING) I've really got to go now. Bye.

Well, at least let me get you a taxi, or something.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

I'm a fucking twat.

(MOANS)

(PEOPLE MOANING)

Fucking stop!

(CRYING) I want it to stop.

-Watch it. -Oh, sorry.

You okay? I got a mixer.

I didn't go out, especially. I was going any--

(RETCHING)

(JOE EXCLAIMS)

Sorry.

It's fine. You missed it. You all right?

Yeah. (RETCHING)

Uh, let's sit this out and wait.

No, it's okay. You don't have to. (RETCHING)

Hey. What did you eat?

(MARNIE GROANS)

How disgusting, though. There's sick on the street.

A fox will eat it.

Now, that's disgusting.

Those people are looking.

It's London.

Nobody gives a shit.

As long as you don't mug them

or talk to them, you can do what you like.

That's what's so good about it.

Why do you think people come and live here?

(LAUGHS)

Do you want my number?

Oh. Confusing.

And forward.

Give me your phone.

(CHUCKLES)

You definitely won't remember this.

I will.

I will remember this

'cause it's quite nice.

(JOE CHUCKLING)

Will you be okay?

Do you not want me to get you a cab, or something?

No! I'm a feminist.

If you follow me, it's harassment.

So, don't.

Please?

I'll just watch

until you get around the corner.

Hey. This isn't creepy.

(SIGHS)

This is creepy.

MARNIE: (NARRATING) People here don't give a shit what I do.

What if I sucked off that man?

What if I finger-bang that woman?

What if I wanked on that bollard?

♪ I could be happy, I could be happy ♪

♪ Or go to Skye on my holiday ♪

I could do anything

and no one would even notice me.

I'm anonymous.

A nobody.

A stranger.

I could be anyone.

London doesn't give a shit what that is.

♪ All of these things I do ♪

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

♪ All of these things I do ♪

♪ To get away from you ♪

I'm lost in a city of eight million people.

But, I will find myself here.

Even if that makes me sound like a massive wanker.

(YELLING) Something is wrong with me!

♪ Escape from you ♪

♪ I would like to climb high in a tree ♪

♪ I could be happy, I could be happy ♪

♪ Or go to Skye on my holiday ♪

♪ I could be happy, I could be happy ♪

♪ Maybe swim a mile down the Nile ♪

♪ I could be happy, I could be happy ♪

♪ All of these things I do ♪

♪ All of these things I do ♪

♪ To get away from you ♪

♪ Get away, run away, far away ♪

♪ How do I ♪

♪ Get away, run away, far away ♪

♪ How do I ♪

♪ Get away, run away, far away ♪

♪ How do I ♪

♪ Get away, run away, far away ♪

♪ How do I ♪

♪ Get away, run away, far away ♪

♪ How do I ♪