Original subtitles

Good morning.

Whoo! Swiss Family

Ron-binson!

That hat is dope.

Thanks, Tom.

You mind if

I rock that bad Larry

on my dome?

Wear it on my head?

Try it on the ladies?

Be my guest.

Hi, I'm Tom.

I have a raccoon

on my head.

Excuse me?

My friend over here was

digging through your trash

and I think we may

have a lot in common.

I'm Tom.

Would you like to

see a movie sometime?

Are you a raccoon?

Because you've

been running around

my hat all day...

Head all day.

Girl, you're more

precious than Precious.

Uh-uh.

"Nice hat. Wanna bone?"

That's you, talking to me.

No. How about,

"Yes, I am a hunter,

and it's you season."

Whoa, that's great.

I gotta get back out there.

You know what they say,

animal on the head,

manimal in the bed.

Damn, girl!

Your hotness killed

my raccoon!

I have a raccoon hat.

I'm an interesting person.

Hello!

Any luck?

Nope.

Didn't work out as well

as I thought it would.

Well, better luck next time.

I tried.

It just didn't

seem like...

Wow. I love that hat.

Thank you, ma'am.

Hey, Ron.

I have a surprise for you.

Meet me at

Harvey James Park

at 11:30.

Why?

It's a surprise!

What's the surprise?

If I told you,

it would ruin the surprise.

What's the surprise

it would ruin?

I cannot tell you that.

Leslie, my first wife, Tammy,

tried throwing me

a surprise birthday party.

When I saw my friends

hiding through the window,

I drove to a gas station,

called the cops

and told them people

had broken into my home.

I'm not big on surprises.

Okay, but you're

gonna like this one.

What is it?

I'm not telling you.

And I'm not gonna

tell anybody!

Okay. I'll tell you.

We're putting together

the Parks Department

Summer Catalog.

And the big surprise

is I am going to reunite

all the living former

Parks Directors at a picnic,

record the whole thing,

and then write about it in

the "Welcome Letter."

It's the biggest

catalog of the year.

Think of the

September issue of Vogue.

But it's more

important to Pawnee.

Mainly because we

don't get Vogue here.

I'm gonna move

this "Yearning" ad

to the centerfold.

Centerfold,

always the best part.

Am I right, Justin?

Damn, they broke up

six weeks ago.

Yeah.

Jerry, I need to see

your softball pictures.

Here you go, Chief.

Wow, good job. Nice work.

Whoa!

Wait a minute.

Isn't that

that creepy guy?

Morgan? The pedophile?

Yeah, it is.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jerry!

Come on!

I didn't know that!

He seemed okay.

We had dinner together.

Guys, I don't know

if I made it clear,

but I don't want

any sex offenders

in our Parks catalog.

Okay, I will

Photoshop his face.

Can you Photoshop

your life with better

decisions, Jerry?

Okay, April. Enough.

Cover photo.

Tom, you're up.

This catalog is basically,

like, an ad for

the Parks Department,

and I love ads.

I love magazine ads

for flavored vodkas,

billboards for

designer jeans.

I TiVo through shows

to get to the ads.

I love ads.

What are we trying to

do with this catalog?

We're trying to sell Pawnee

on our summer classes.

How do we do that?

With one perfect,

captivating image.

April?

Modern life.

Where are we running?

Sometimes, what we want

is not always where we are.

Next slide.

Are we alone?

Is the real winter

inside our hearts?

We are all struggling

for definition

in a world that

resists our inquiries.

Okay, this isn't

gonna work for

a number of reasons.

One, this is

a summer catalog.

Two, that was

complete gibberish.

And three, that child

looks like it's abandoned.

So, basically, boo.

Next slide.

Oh, God. Weird.

How did that...

That's a personal photo.

That's... Shouldn't be...

This must've...

You know, I gotta say,

I think that could

actually work

as our cover photo.

I'm cool with it,

if you guys are.

It's a high-res photo.

I don't know if I have

time for this, guys,

so, let's just pick

a good photo, okay?

What do you want, Leslie?

A picture of parents

pushing a kid on a swing?

Yeah. Exactly.

Get me that.

Okay. I gotta go.

What is he thinking?

"Why is my cup so tiny?"

Hey. What are you

doing here?

Happy six-month anniversary.

I got you a gift.

It's a chicken

salad sandwich.

And I don't want

you to feel bad

about not getting me anything,

because I would

never expect...

Swiss Army Watch, mofo.

Well done.

Perkins. Wow!

You like it?

Thank you so much.

That's so nice.

Are you

allowed to kiss me

in a hospital room?

Oh, don't worry about it.

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, I'm just kidding,

he's sleeping.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, our relationship

is going well. Really well.

That guy really

seemed dead.

Nice!

Here, catch this.

You got me in the face! Oh!

That one hurt.

You've a good arm.

I know.

I used to play softball

in high school.

Shut up! I played

baseball in high school.

Shut up!

Yeah, that's like,

the boy version of softball.

Guys, don't play

with the food, okay?

We need this for the picnic.

Do we have everything?

Yes, ma'am.

Three picnic baskets,

assorted cheeses,

grapes, wine.

Smoked salmon?

April threw

the smoked salmon

on the roof.

I'm sorry.

Where's Leslie?

She just texted

me from your phone

and said she left

her phone at home

and that I should

come here immediately.

And why did I believe that?

Maybe in your heart

you knew it was from me,

but you came anyway.

Nope.

Tom, would you please

stop texting me

that you're having

a city planning emergency?

There's no such thing

as a city planning emergency.

Hi, there.

Hi.

Look at you two.

Ann Perkins,

Mark Brendanawicz.

"Anndanawicz."

Or "Merkins."

No, "Anndanawicz."

You two should be models.

Maybe on the cover of

the Parks Department

Summer Catalog?

That's not the reason

you called me in here, right?

'Cause I just finished

a 12-hour shift.

If that's the reason...

Come on, Ann.

It'd be a huge

favor for Leslie.

You know how important

this is to her.

Well, I am in.

Dude!

I am.

We don't have any pictures

of just the two of us.

Plus, I've always said

we should go on

more dates with Tom.

Yeah, you have.

And thank God

an opportunity

presented itself.

See? Win-win.

Now, Ann,

you're gonna

change, right?

I guess.

Would it kill you

to maybe put on

some lipstick?

Do you even own lipstick?

This is probably

the first time in history

these four great men

have been in

the same place

at the same time.

It kind of makes you...

What is this?

Sweater swap!

She noticed!

You were right.

Oh, my God.

Somebody's here.

Okay. Guys,

just act normal.

Please? Just be like

normal people.

Hello! Hi! David Moser!

I'm Leslie Knope.

It is such an honor

to meet you.

Right.

How long is this

gonna take?

Oh, not very long.

I realize, of course,

you're a very busy man.

I love parks.

I don't know if

that's something

I've communicated before.

So, having a picnic

with all the former living

Parks Department Directors...

Guess who just checked

something off

her bucket list?

Clarence Carrington,

David Moser,

Michael Tansley,

Ron Swanson,

gathered together

on a beautiful day in

this beautiful park.

I think we should

just take a moment

and appreciate

how lucky we are.

I thought you

were dead, Clarence.

No. I'm gonna outlive you,

then I'm gonna

nail your wife.

Screw you,

you old coot.

Classic David.

You're worse than Ron.

Shut your damn mouth,

Tansley.

Okay! Great! Let's go!

When I say "parks,"

you say "department!" Parks!

Parks!

Apartment!

Oh, boy.

This is taking a lot longer

than I thought it would.

Can you guys run up ahead

and set up the picnic?

Sure.

Oh. Where are they

going with the food?

I'm starving.

I only had

one breakfast.

Okay, relax.

Look, what was

going on back there?

Why all the sniping?

Not exactly sure.

The only one I know

is Michael,

and we're not exactly

best friends.

Hmm.

I'm hungry.

Okay, well,

don't be such a baby.

I cooked you some bacon

for a trail snack.

I ate it already.

What?

I could smell it

in your purse before

I even parked my car.

And now it's gone.

And I hate everything.

Good, good, good.

All right.

I think we got

the boring clichéd shot

that Leslie wanted.

That's it?

We're done?

Not even close.

Now the real art begins.

Step one,

nail this photo shoot

with an amazing,

iconic image.

Step two,

book some outside gigs.

Step three,

have sex with a model.

Step four,

step in front of the camera,

become a model.

Go, yes!

Keep slithering!

Ann, can you give me

something, anything,

in the face?

What do you

want me to do?

Do what Mark's doing.

He's doing great!

Keep slithering!

I'm not doing anything, so...

Okay, Clarence, um,

why don't you describe

the first Summer

Pawnee Catalog.

I remember.

That first year we

offered four classes.

I actually taught

Homemaking.

Women were not allowed

to teach back then.

Really? I thought

there were female teachers

way before then.

Not in my department.

Well, times have changed.

I'm Deputy Director now,

but I'm hoping someday

to be the first female

director of the department.

Oh, I don't think

that's a good idea.

Women need a lot of blood

to flow through to

their baby centers,

which leaves less to

the brain, you see.

Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Sure.

I'd stay away from

leadership roles,

for your own safety.

No! No!

Maybe I should write

a song about a picnic.

Ooh, where'd you come

up with that idea?

The picnic we're having.

I already have

the perfect title,

Life is a Picnic.

That's good. How about

Life is a Picnic with You?

Whoa! Then it could

be about a girl.

Or Peyton Manning!

Hmm. You wanna help me

write the lyrics?

Yeah, totally.

We should grab

a drink after this

at Tucker's.

Yeah, I would do that.

That sounds fun.

I just have to get my

stuff from the office.

But that's...

That'd be cool.

David, what was it exactly

that called you to

the Parks Department?

Well, I was in

Public Works

for eight years.

But the director

was pretty young.

Clarence was old and weak.

So, I put in for a transfer,

swooped in and

pushed him out.

There was no other reason

you wanted the job?

No. Just the money

and the pension.

The actual job's

a nightmare.

I mean, who gives

a crap about this crap.

Well, David,

I think we've

talked enough.

Mark, that's great.

Bobby, great.

Ann, you look miserable!

Terrible. Terrible!

Come on, Ann.

What are we doing?

Maxim or Good Housekeeping?

I'm not sure which one

is the insult.

Hey, if there's anyone

out there that's doing

a photo shoot

about the dangers

of eating

undercooked chicken,

I can give you

Ann's phone number.

Okay, let's stop

for a second.

Bobby, I love

how you work.

Yay!

You can have as

many juice boxes

as you want.

In fact, grab me one, too.

Make it an apple.

Mark, great job,

you can have

a juice box, too.

Ann, take a walk with me.

In a million years,

I never thought you would be

the problem with

this photo shoot.

Didn't you just plan this,

like, two hours ago?

I just don't get it.

How could someone so hot

be so bad at looking hot?

I'm sorry I'm not

a professional model.

And screaming,

"Make your face better!"

doesn't help.

Well, I'm sorry,

your face just isn't working.

And we need to do something

to distract from

this boring area.

Now, I didn't want

to have to do this,

but we may have to go nude.

Goodbye, Tom!

Fair enough.

I totally understand.

But we should get

one for safety.

Okay, guys.

We're almost there.

It's right up here.

You really shouldn't

be leading us.

If you're menstruating,

you'll attract bears.

Holy God. Okay.

Here we are.

Eat.

Well, it hasn't gone

exactly as I've hoped.

But I got them all here

and we're gonna have

a beautiful picnic.

It's gonna...

It's gonna be good.

Hey.

I just whizzed

on a butterfly!

Well, gentlemen,

as you know,

I'm working on

my welcome letter

for the Summer Catalog.

You should just

copy the Eagleton one.

I used to just

copy the Eagleton one.

Did you? I was hoping

that maybe you

could talk to me

a little bit about

how the department has

changed since you ran it.

Well, I think you've done

a wonderful job

maintaining the parks.

Thank you, Michael.

I appreciate that.

Did you enjoy your

turn at the helm?

Oh, in a way.

Pencil pushing wasn't

really my thing,

but I did love

the parks themselves.

That was the best

part of the job.

Oh, isn't it?

I totally agree.

Well, thank goodness for you.

Yes, thank goodness

for Michael.

Are you still

on parole, by the way?

Oh, ha, ha.

Very funny, Ron.

Yes. Yes, Ron, I am.

What?

He smoked pot.

In the office.

And in all the parks.

Constantly.

In fairness to me,

it was a different time.

It was the early '90s.

But also, it's ridiculous

that marijuana is illegal.

Thomas Jefferson grew hemp.

Alcohol is legal,

but pot isn't?

That makes sense

to you, Ron?

I'm sorry,

I can't hear hippies.

So, if you had to sleep

with one of the old guys,

who would it be?

The super-old one.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm an eyebrow girl.

I wanna make out with him

and chew his eyebrows off.

That is really gross.

Anybody got any water?

I want water.

I'm so old,

I need to drink water.

Oh, stop it,

stop taunting him.

I don't need

your help, jailbird.

If there's any

unclaimed meat or cheese,

I would like to claim it.

Yeah.

Like you claimed my job?

Yes. Exactly like that,

in that I wanted it,

and then I took it.

Okay, guys,

you know what

I would love?

I would love if anybody

just said something positive

about, oh,

I don't know, anything.

I agree. Let's just relax,

smoke another J,

and all calm down.

Another?

By the way, it's ridiculous

that pot is illegal.

It grows in the ground!

I've planted marijuana

in community gardens

all over the city,

and it hasn't hurt anyone!

What?

You know, Michael?

You are one

pot-loving

mother

pain in the rectum.

Okay, stop it! Stop it!

You're all being awful,

horrible men!

Uh-oh. Your little

friend come to visit?

Clarence, if you mention

anything about women,

or menstruation,

or anything,

I'm gonna take your face

and I'm gonna shove

it in those brambles.

Yes!

No! You're next, buddy.

Andy!

Let's take this picture.

Come on!

Get out of

your seats, turds.

What?

Line up over there.

Come on.

Just please try

to look human.

All right,

and not so evil.

Everybody looking here.

One, two, three.

Thank you so much

for the wonderful memories.

Everybody take

their stuff and go.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Can we do one

funny-face one?

Do you have that

picture that Andy took?

Maybe I'll run it

without any text.

Yeah. I tried to

Photoshop it to make it

look like they were happy.

It was really hard.

Their mouths are so old.

God! Look at these

horrible men.

You know, I don't even know

if I want them in my catalog.

Would you like these

men in your catalog?

Oh, my God, April.

That's disgusting.

What? Look how generous

they're being

with each other.

And here's the

"Obstruction" series.

What do you think?

Amazing, right?

I call this one

"The Future."

It's completely blurry.

Yes, it is, Ann.

What about the ones

we took on the swing?

The normal ones?

You mean the

"Unhappy Wife" photos?

Oh, my God.

These are even worse,

somehow.

I look miserable.

You do look

kind of miserable.

Now you know

what I meant by,

"Make your face better."

Was there

something wrong, Ann?

Well, I had just

gotten off a long shift.

He was being really annoying.

Mark looks happy.

Just please don't

use these, okay?

Let's grab some dinner.

Sure.

Hey, Ron.

You want me to read you

what I have so far

in my welcome letter?

Nothing. Because you

and your jerk predecessors

didn't give me anything

to work with.

Did you print this out?

I heard the printer going.

Yes.

You could've just handed me

a blank piece of paper.

Oh! Wisdom! Finally.

Thank you so much.

You can also keep the photo.

Thanks for the memories.

Good God.

I don't remember this.

That...

That's the wrong one.

But the real one's

very bad as well.

I want you to know

that I'm replacing

the "Welcome Letter"

with this ad

for Yearning by

Dennis Feinstein.

So goodbye,

distilled wisdom of

50 years of experience.

Hello, disgusting

fragrance flap.

Let me buy you dinner.

No. I insist you

buy me dinner.

Get a drink.

Whatever. It's cool.

Okay.

ID.

I'm 24.

No, you're not.

Okay, I'm 25.

No old jokes, please.

ID.

It says right here

you're 20.

You're not even

gonna show me a fake?

Sometimes the confidence

confuses people.

You're good, bro.

You know what?

I think I'll just...

I'm gonna...

Hey, I know another bar

that always lets me in,

if you just wanna go there.

Uh... Yeah, actually,

I should get going home.

I have a lot of

stuff to do.

So, I should go home.

Clean and stuff.

But...

Yeah, okay, cool.

Yeah, I gotta go home, too.

So...

All right.

See you!

Later.

The usual, Marta.

Me, too, Marta.

You got it.

Oh, Ron,

I really made love to

the pooch on this one.

Screwed the pooch?

I don't like that term.

It's so vulgar.

Ron!

That sucked, today.

I'm sorry. There's no

other way to say it.

They're a bunch of

career bureaucrats.

What did you think they

were gonna say to you?

"Leslie, you are the next link

in a wonderful chain

"that stretches back

to when our town was founded,

"and we believe in you

and we support you

"and we'll be

following your career.

"You are the chosen one."

Or something.

Well, okay, so,

that was the problem.

No. You know what

the worst part is

is I wanna be Parks Director.

But every single person

who was Parks Director

hated their job

and hated everyone

they worked with.

Are we gonna hate

each other someday?

I don't think so.

I think we're

gonna be fine.

Anyway, the point's moot,

because you're

Park Director now

and you're not going anywhere

and I'm not making

you go anywhere.

I'm not gonna stab you

in the back or anything,

so...

Maybe I should go somewhere.

Maybe I should move,

to Eagleton.

Oh, God,

the thought of that.

Leslie, you don't

have to move to Eagleton.

When I become

City Manager,

my job is yours.

Of course,

my first act as

City Manager

will be to propose

eliminating the

Parks Department.

Although I expect

a spirited debate

with Leslie.

Who knows what

the future holds for me?

Maybe I'll leapfrog

Ron's job and

become City Manager.

Of course,

my first act as

City Manager

would be to double

the size of

the Parks Department.

Although, I do expect

a fight from Ron.

But I'll win.

Mmm!

Thank you, darling.

Why would anybody

ever eat anything

besides breakfast food?

People are idiots, Leslie.

The wait is over!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Look what's here.

We got...

"My fellow Pawneeans...

Yes, it's here!

"The Parks Department's

Summer Catalog has arrived

"and for the first time

in 20 years, tennis is back!

"Peruse this wondrous

book at your leisure

"and take advantage

of everything this

great town has to offer.

"Time is fleeting,

my fellow Pawneeans.

"Make the most of it,

while you can.

"I recently had the honor

of spending an afternoon

"with every living

former Parks Director,

"and they taught me

a valuable lesson,

"there is nothing more

important than friendship."

It's a little flowery.

Shut up.

I gotta hand it

to Michael.

His water-pipe-making skills

were most impressive.

I once saw him smoke pot

out of a 20-foot length

of garden hose

and a milk jug.

That guy made

a water pipe out of

a stuffed raccoon.

No way.

No, I'm not kidding.

He made a bong out of

a taxidermied raccoon?

I caught him

smoking pot out of it

not three feet from

where we're standing.

Oh, nice shot.

Right in Clarence's

ancient junk.

In the neck!