Original subtitles

Okay, everybody.

Time for the hummingbird

lottery.

Okay. You know how it works.

Write your name down

on a piece of paper.

No, they don't

win a hummingbird.

I installed

hummingbird feeders

in all the parks,

so the winner gets to

refill those feeders.

Scientifically, hummingbirds

are the world's

cutest animals.

I mean, they're so small.

And they have tiny beaks.

And they only eat sugar water.

I mean, what beats that?

Come on.

Baby monkeys in diapers?

Yeah. They do.

Baby monkeys in diapers

are the cutest.

Okay. Who's it going to be?

Not me.

Not me.

Not me. Not me.

Jerry.

Yeah!

You can stop by

tomorrow morning

before work.

This is my third time

in a row.

Just a bad luck

streak, buddy.

Next time, I'm sure

it will definitely

be one of us.

But it won't be me.

Because I always write...

Yeah.

Yep.

No, I always

write my own name.

But just to be safe,

I do add 20 extra "Jerrys”.

And finally, we are going

to kick off the Children's

Concert Series this weekend

with a performance

by Freddy Spaghetti.

I thought Freddy

Spaghetti OD'd.

No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle.

And he didn't OD,

his drummer shot him.

Oh.

Where is Jerry, by the way?

Why isn't he back?

How long does it take

to fill bird feeders?

Maybe he fell

into the toilet.

Remember when he

fell into the toilet?

"Oh, sorry, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

"I got confused

and took a shower,

"after I got dressed,

because I'm Jerry."

David Meyers,

the Jewish guy who

works at City Hall,

once told me something.

A "schlemiel" is the guy

who spills soup

at a fancy party.

A "schlimazel" is

the guy he spills it on.

Jerry is both the "schlemiel"

and the "schlimazel"

of our office.

"And then I put my

underwear on my head

instead of my butt."

Okay. Okay, guys.

That's enough.

Unless somebody

has another good one.

Oh.

Hi, Ann.

Oh, no.

Jerry. Jerry, are you okay?

Ann, is Jerry okay?

What's wrong with your arm?

Ann, tell me

what's wrong with Jerry's arm.

Jerry, talk to me.

Ann, get Jerry

to talk to me.

Okay. He's okay.

He's got a couple

of scrapes and

a dislocated shoulder.

Oh!

What happened?

You guys are just

going to laugh.

Why? Did you throw

out your shoulder

trying to swing

a honey pot off your hand?

I was mugged.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Jerry.

I was on my way

to the hummingbird feeders

and I was

walking Lord Sheldon.

Ew!

Is that code for some

kind of weird sex act?

Lord Sheldon is my dog.

My wife named him.

Ew!

Anyway, these kids,

they came out of nowhere,

they pinned my arm back,

they grabbed my wallet,

and they knocked

me to the ground.

How did you counter-attack?

Fist to the throat?

Did you hit him

in the beanbag?

There's no shame

in attacking

a criminal's beanbag.

No, I just curled up

and laid still

until they left.

Well, that's

another way to play it.

Did any of them

have weird tattoos

or scars or anything?

If even one of them

had a unique scar,

we got them.

I didn't get a good look.

Damn it, Jerry.

Sorry. You're the victim.

Sorry. Sorry.

I feel like

we're responsible for this.

Why? We didn't mug Jerry.

Well, why was he in the park

in the first place?

Because we tricked

him into going there.

I don't see the connection.

I don't know.

This is on us. It's karma.

Wouldn't it be karma

if we were the ones

that got mugged?

Yeah. That's how

pathetic Jerry is.

He can't even

get karma right.

No, that's not funny.

Our friend got

mugged this morning.

And we will not let

that happen in vain.

He doesn't have

a black eye.

Well, frankly,

the whole department

has a black eye.

This is our

wake-up call, guys.

Jerry's face

is the symbol of failure.

Our failure to

keep the parks safe.

I have some folders.

Inside are some assignments.

And some homemade taffy.

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

April, I want you

to check in

with our police liaison.

Donna, I need you to

go to Ramsett Park.

Tom, you're with me.

So, when you say that

you want me to check in

with the police liaison,

you mean hook up

with him, right?

No. Just check in with him.

Everybody dismissed.

Wait. I want to help.

What?

I'm going to teach

everybody self-defense,

so you can defend yourselves.

We need it.

Because we certainly

are a bunch of weaklings.

Especially Tom.

I am not a weakling.

Arm wrestle me right now.

Okay.

I think I'm more than

holding my own here...

Three, four, five...

Hey.

Six. Hey!

How you doing?

Not too bad.

I was just dropping off

Jerry from the hospital.

He was mugged in the park.

No. Jerry?

The black guy with

the Looney Tunes ties?

I love him.

No. Jerry who works

with Leslie.

That Jerry?

Yeah.

He got mugged?

Oh. Well, I mean,

that's kind of

a bummer, too.

Hey, while I have you here,

what do you think of this?

Uh...

Scrotation Marks.

I don't know what

you're talking about,

but my gut says no.

New band name.

Because "Mouse Rat,"

it's a great name,

but at the same time,

it sucks.

So, I think we have to

change it

just one more time...

Dude, you've got

to stop doing that.

How are people

going to become fans

if they literally don't know

the name of the band

they're listening to?

That is a really good point.

I always had fun with Andy.

The problem is,

when you're his girlfriend,

you're also his mother,

and his maid and his nurse.

He's completely helpless.

He's like a baby

in a straightjacket.

Ooh!

"Baby in a Straightjacket."

That's a good band name.

I should tell him that.

Ha-ha, guys. Really funny.

Where's the real banner?

We only had an hour.

So did I. Look what I did.

Hey, guys.

Jerry!

Welcome back.

Really. My gosh,

you should not have

gone to all this trouble.

Oh. It's no trouble

for our buddy.

Here you go.

Listen. Today is Jerry Day.

We'll do

whatever you want to do.

Anything at all.

Honestly, what I would like

to do is just have

everything go back to normal.

That sounds good to me.

Okay.

I believe you

were going to do

a presentation.

Yes, sir, I was.

I will go set up.

Okay.

Remember, you guys.

No jokes. No comments.

Nothing but support.

He needs a lot

of support.

Tom.

Talking about

a bra for a man.

Okay, seriously.

That was the last one.

So, as we know,

Spring Hunting

Season is upon us.

Uh, anyway,

here's the info about

the new licensing system.

Um...

Jerry? I don't...

I don't think your

computer is plugged in.

I'm sorry, guys.

Just got to power up.

First thing we should

have is my graph

about the season. What?

Wait a minute. No.

That is not the graph.

That's a picture from

my vacation to Muncie.

You went on a vacation

and you chose Muncie,

Indiana?

Yeah. My wife and I

have a time-share.

In Muncie?

Tom, Muncie

is a lovely city.

Anyway,

Hunting and Fishing Season

is winding down. Okay?

And we all know that

it's already closed

season on "twout." So, now...

I said "twout"

instead of "trout."

It happens to everyone.

My marbles are

full of mouth today.

You know what?

Has anybody

seen my glasses?

I don't even think I can...

It says here

"1:00 meeting."

And who are we meeting with?

Don't worry about it.

Oh, no. Please, no.

Tom, it's important to meet

with the Park Rangers.

They are the first

line of defense.

Leslie Knope!

Hey, Carl.

What's up, pencil pushers?

Haverford.

Good to see you, man.

Is it hot in here?

I feel hot.

Are you guys hot?

How you guys doing?

I'm good.

You guys got any snacks?

Carl is the head

of all outdoor security.

Why was he transferred

from his indoor

desk job, you ask.

Listen.

Hey, Leslie. Have you seen

Avatar? I never saw Avatar.

I wanted to read

the book first,

but then I realized

there's no book

version of Avatar.

What did you guys do

for St. Patty's Day?

I was wearing this

t-shirt that said

"Kiss me, I'm Irish."

But no one would kiss me.

So. You're too important

for me until one of your

own gets attacked.

I just feel like

there's more we can do

to keep the parks safe.

Oh, you think you know

how to do my job?

Well, you might not be so

confident once you've walked

a mile in my size sevens.

Kind of small feet.

Actually, seven is

the worldwide average.

Boom!

Welcome to the emergency

self-defense class.

I'll be showing

you how to escape

from a variety of situations,

while inflicting maximum

damage on your attackers.

Ron, do you think that

maybe I should put

Mark in a headlock?

That way, I can show everyone

how to escape a pervert?

In the scenario

you just laid out,

you're the pervert.

You understand that,

right?

You wish.

Enough.

I'm going to start off

simple, and demonstrate

how to extract oneself

from a wrist grab.

Andy. Ann. Step up here.

I watch a lot

of Lifetime movies.

There was this one,

How Far is Too Far Enough:

The Teri Palliber

Lonergan Story.

This woman had agoraphobia

and her therapist

was obsessed with her,

and he hid in her house.

And then he attacked her

and tried to eat her toes.

Also, her daughter was

having sex way too young.

So, yeah.

Free self-defense class?

I'm there.

And then just twist away.

Very good.

Very good. Well done.

Oh! What's up now, mugger?

Ann, that was awesome.

That was really good.

I don't know, Leslie.

I'd rather be

back at the office.

I know this is

painful for you, Jerry,

but you have to be strong.

You guys ready?

Oh, boy. Yeah, okay.

We're ready.

I'm going to show you

guys all the problems

we've been facing.

I'm going to show

you that we've been

doing everything we can.

Well, I'm looking forward

to working together, Carl.

And after that,

I'm going to show you

this log I found.

It's got,

like, fifty worms on it.

I call it "worm log."

Yeah, I've always been

a bit of an outdoorsman.

When I was a kid,

my parents used to

make me hang out in

the backyard a lot

and just run around

until I got tired.

But if there's any

criminals out there

watching, I never get tired.

And ladies, too.

This thing is a mess.

We used to have

three carts, actually.

The first one got

pushed into the creek

by some kids.

The second one,

raccoons got onto.

There was urine everywhere.

And the third one

was recently stolen.

What's this one?

This is the second one.

The raccoon piss one.

All right. So we're

going to just head out.

Oh, no. You know what?

I think we've got

too much weight.

Oh.

That's Tom, probably.

Are you serious?

Tom, can you

get off, please?

Just run alongside

the cart, okay?

Okay. Here we go.

Whoa!

So, I want to tell

you a little bit

about the park.

Up here on the left

is one of our most

beautiful grass fields.

It's primarily grass.

All right, I'm going to

make a hard left here.

Stick with us, Tom.

Okay. Lesson learned.

Thank you. Next. Andy.

Impressive.

I'm going to engage

Andy in an attack hold,

and he's going to

try and break free.

Cool. Now, I don't

want to hurt you, Ron.

Don't worry about that.

Just try to escape my attack.

Now, when I get out,

am I allowed to

counter-strike?

Sure.

When you get out,

you may counter-attack.

But just promise

me you'll be ready,

because, I mean,

I don't want

to destroy you.

Okay. I see where

we're going with this...

Now, when your arms

are pinned to your sides,

use your legs to break free,

instead of your neck,

which is what Andy

is trying to do.

Okay, hold up.

Get off!

Let him go.

Andy.

Oh, God.

Oops.

Any of this

looking familiar?

Yeah. It happened

right over there.

Oh, yeah. I'm not surprised.

Take a look at this path.

With budget cuts,

we can't afford

a single safety light.

There's been 10 assaults

already this year.

Wow. Really?

Can't you station

a Park Ranger out here?

We have!

Who do you think

they're assaulting?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.

One way or another,

I'm going to get money

so you can protect Jerry,

and all the other helpless,

pathetic people in this town.

You guys have

got to slow down.

Can I just take

a rest for a minute?

No, Tom. Sorry.

No can do.

Sun's going down

and it's real

dangerous out here.

Let's roll, Carl.

Okay. Going fast.

Okay, what day

is it today?

I don't know.

Okay, but to be fair,

you never know.

That's kind of true.

I'm super bad at days.

But honestly, I'm fine.

Sorry I squeezed your

lights out there, son.

No worries.

Will you show me how

to do that move, though?

Sure. I can teach

you right now...

No, no, no.

Andy, you should really

just take it easy, I think.

Do you want some more water?

Or maybe some pancakes?

No. No, I'm fine.

Thank you.

What is the first

move in any fight?

Punch to the balls.

We've all heard

the old saying.

"Parks are

supposed to be fun."

But sometimes,

muggers have

their own ideas.

Leslie Knope is with us again

from the Parks Department.

Leslie, tell us your story.

This is my co-worker,

Jerry Gergich.

Diabetic. Sloppily

out of shape. Friend.

He was mugged

this morning

in Ramsett Park.

Who's next?

Your frumpy uncle?

Your simple neighbor?

Your unpopular co-worker?

Head of security,

Carl Lorthner,

is doing his best

to keep the parks safe,

but he's failing.

So, what is the solution

to fix this?

To make it right.

And not bad.

We need money from City Hall.

And it's not coming through.

And Pawnee,

I am sorry to say this,

but your government

is failing you.

Up next, 10 objects

you didn't know you can eat.

What possessed

you to do that?

I'm sorry, Paul,

but one of my guys

got mugged in the park.

I don't care

how upset you are.

You do not badmouth

your own government on TV.

I'm sure you'll be happy

to know your little stunt

worked.

The Mayor is going to divert

$2500 to the Parks

for security upgrades.

There's going to

be an announcement

tomorrow at 10:00

in the press room.

So... Make sure

you bring the doofus

who got his ass kicked.

I don't know who

you're referring to.

We treat everyone

with respect around here.

Okay.

Good morning.

As many of you know,

there was an incident

involving a government

employee in Ramsett Park.

Jerry, are you nervous?

Just talk about how

hard it was for you.

Speak from the heart.

You'll be fine.

Leslie? I wasn't mugged.

...safety of

our citizens.

That's why we're here today

to give Pawnee...

Jerry? Why don't

you step on up here?

No, I will.

Get up here.

I'm going to speak

for Jerry.

He can't talk right now

because he has hysterical

muteness from trauma.

Correct.

Jerry.

What about this?

Is this fake? Huh?

Is this fake?

This is real. I really

dislocated my shoulder.

Were you even in

the park yesterday?

Look, I was on my way

to feed the hummingbirds,

and I stopped

for a breakfast burrito.

The farting.

Yeah.

And Lord Sheldon...

He lunged at a bird,

I dropped the burrito,

and it landed on

a log in the creek.

So, I go to reach for it,

I lose my balance,

and I fall on my shoulder

really weird.

Well, why didn't you

just tell everybody

the truth?

Are you kidding me?

Imagine what Tom

would have said.

Damn, Jerry!

You jumped in a creek

for a burrito?

What would you do

for a Klondike Bar?

Kill your wife?

Block the opponent's punch

and counter-punch to the jaw.

Shoeshine?

Hey.

Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins,

in the "shoe-shouse."

I wanted to check in.

I brought some

stuff from the hospital.

Water, a compress,

aspirin, some lollipops,

I know you love those.

Ann, you know, thank you.

But really,

I'm feeling great.

I took a couple of aspirin

and slept right

through the night.

And... Hold on a second.

Ludgate. What the hell?

I got you one of those

veggie muffins

that you're always eating.

Score.

Yeah. It tastes like a rug.

Shut up.

Don't hit me.

Good. Well, I'm glad

you're feeling better.

I am.

Thank you for that.

That's so cool.

Since when did he start

doing stuff for other people?

Now, I actually am worried

that something

happened to his brain.

People change, I guess...

Wouldn't you rather

the money go to keeping

the parks safe?

Yes, but now,

we have the money

under false pretenses.

I actually think that

you have a bigger problem

than the money.

What?

There is someone

in your department

who is willing to lie

about being mugged,

because he's afraid

of his co-workers.

Knope. Yep. No.

Carl. What are you doing?

Oh, Leslie.

Well, since you decided

to drag my name

through the mud on TV,

I figured why not

return the favor.

Carl, could you quietly

quiet down for a second,

and please tell me

what is going on, quietly?

Okay? In a quiet voice.

A citizen

handed in a very

interesting home video

that I think the people

of Pawnee will find

very interesting.

Take a peek at this.

Keep your eyes on the creek.

There he is.

This is my favorite part.

Not willing to

share with a dog.

So, it would appear

that Park Security

was not to blame after all.

Okay, look. I have

a proposition for you.

Fine. I'll have sex

with you in exchange

for the tape.

That's not what

I am saying. Okay?

Just listen to

what I have to say.

The Ramsett Park mugging

story continues

with a shiny new twist.

Ranger Carl Lorthner

is here today.

Now, I understand

that you have a bombshell

to drop that you

are just sitting on.

Yes, that's correct.

I came on today

because I have some

very important

information to share.

I finally saw Avatar

and I thought it

lived up to the hype.

Well, I'm not sure

what that has to do

with the mugging.

Uh... Leslie.

Counterpoint.

I disagree with Carl.

Okay.

I have seen Avatar as well,

and I think it

exceeded the hype.

What?

Oh boy, we...

Disagreement.

Well, things are really

heating up in here,

aren't they?

We should probably

take some calls.

That segment was a disaster.

Don't you ever me

like that again.

This is Pawnee Today.

Do you know

that I bumped a cat

that can stand up on

its hinders for you?

You disgust me, Knope.

Get out of my sight.

Yes, ma'am.

Go.

Go on. Oh, no, no, no.

Don't make me chase you.

You want to

go eat something?

Okay.

I am part of a great team.

And sometimes,

the best way to maintain

a strong team

is just by

letting someone know

that he is

still a part of it.

This is the only copy,

and I am going to destroy it.

Right after I watch it

one more time.

I'm sorry,

but it is so good.

Hey, Jerry.

Hmm.

I got you a peppermint latte.

Seriously? My goodness.

I love a peppermint...

I know.

Oh, geez. Go ahead.

We should just directly

apply the food

to your clothes.

Making fun

of Jerry is back!

They can laugh

at me all they want.

Because two more years

until I retire with

full benefits and pension.

And the wife and I,

we have bought

a little cottage on a lake.

And I am going to get myself

a stack of mystery novels,

a box of cigars,

and I am going to sit back

and enjoy my life.

Hey, Jerry?

April was just

double-checking

the lunch order.

Do you want

the salmon

or the "twout"?

Twout! Twout!