Original subtitles

Ann Perkins.

What's happening,

sweetheart?

Just waiting for April.

She's taking care

of my house

while I'm away, so...

That's great.

Happy belated Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day

was a month ago.

Why are you

giving it to me now?

Whatever.

Happy early Valentine's Day.

I saw this and

I thought of you.

Hope you keep that

somewhere special.

Okay. This is one of those

nanny-cam teddy bears,

isn't it?

What? No. It's a regular,

camera-less teddy bear.

Just put it in your bedroom,

don't even think about it.

It's a robot bear.

It's programmed

to snuggle!

I'll take it.

Donna,

there's a camera in it.

I know.

All right.

That's basically it.

Water the plants,

get the mail.

Can I read your mail?

No. Please, don't.

Fine.

Oh. And here are the keys,

and remember...

I know. Don't let

Tom make a copy.

That's right. Good.

I'm paying April

50 bucks to watch

my house while I'm away.

I would have

asked Leslie,

but I've seen the way

she takes care

of her house.

Plus, there's always

been a little distance

between me and April.

And I thought

this would maybe,

I don't know,

give us a chance

to get a little closer.

Maybe even...

I don't like Ann.

...become friends.

Who knows?

Leslie,

this is Evelyn Rowshlind,

from the mayor's office.

Oh, hello! I've always

dreamed of you.

Excuse me?

Meeting you.

What can I do for you?

Have a seat.

I prefer to stand.

Okay.

I have kind of

an odd favor to ask.

Mayor Gunderson was

playing golf last week

at Pawnee Municipal,

and he brought

his dog and...

Rufus.

We all know Rufus.

Everybody loves Rufus.

He's a great dog.

Continue.

Well, they were out

on the sixth hole

when suddenly,

out of nowhere...

Rufus was bitten

by a possum?

Yes.

How did you know that?

It was Fairway Frank.

Fairway Frank is

this awful possum

who lives near the sixth hole

of the public golf course.

And he's actually

number three

on the Parks Department's

Most Wanted Pest List,

right behind the bats,

who like to poop

on the bell tower,

and Poopy, the raccoon

who poops all over

the high school cafeteria.

Shouldn't you

take this up

with Animal Control?

Let's be honest.

Animal Control

is not the most effective

branch of our government.

They're a bunch of

burned-out morons.

Well, you have

the reputation as a person

who gets things done,

so we'd like you to

form a little task force,

find the animal

and put it down.

A task force?

Needless to say,

the mayor will

be very grateful

for your help.

Ma'am,

the next time we speak,

we shall be dancing on

the grave of a possum.

Great.

Ron will show you around.

Right this way

is the exit.

Yo, police!

No, you're not.

Coffee!

You always know

what to bring me.

I only ever

bring you coffee.

And it is my very favorite

non-alcoholic hot drink,

except for hot tea.

And hot orange juice,

weirdly delicious.

Anyways,

thank you so much.

I need it.

I got a really bad case

of shoeshine head today.

Andy recently

diagnosed himself

with what he calls

"shoeshine head."

It's when you shine

too many shoes

and the fumes create

a thunderstorm in your brain.

Cures include coffee,

cheeseburgers

and napping on the floor.

Mark Brendanawicz!

Hey, Ron, what's up?

I have a woodshop,

and I'm planning

a little expansion.

Need my buddy,

Mark the city planner,

to sign off on the plans.

Sure, I just need to

schedule an inspection.

That's not

really necessary.

Yes, it is.

But you'll be fine

as long as you don't

have any code violations.

You don't have any

code violations, do you?

Nope.

Eugene!

Boy, we have a really

important job for you.

We'll get to it

first thing Monday.

Today's Wednesday.

Look, this is

not a request.

We're acting

under direct orders from

Mayor Gunderson's dog.

Office. I need

your two best guys

to join me and

be part of my task force.

That would be

Harris and Brett.

But they're not here.

Isn't that them, there?

Nope.

Hey, Brett.

Yeah?

Dude.

Listen,

that stupid possum is

on the golf course again.

Would you rather

I capture it myself,

and then just call you,

so you can come

and pick it up?

Okay.

Hey, guys. Cool!

Hey, you want

your ball back?

Want your ball back?

Come with me.

Oh, man!

How you know

my name, homie?

Stop, man!

Stop hanging yourself.

I'm gonna

hang yourself.

Stop hanging

yourself.

It's quite a crack team

you've assembled, Leslie.

Yeah, well, there's

five of us and

only one possum.

How hard can it be?

Excuse us! Task force

coming through!

Task force clear.

Resume golfing.

I used to

love Tiger Woods

because he was

a great champion.

But after that sex scandal?

The man is a god!

Hey, Mark.

Welcome to my haven.

Thank you.

You are

the first non-me

to set foot

in this building

in 10 years.

Ron, none of this

is up to code.

Sure it is. It's up to

the Swanson Code.

There's no drainage.

Doesn't seem to

be any ventilation.

You've got hazardous

chemicals over here.

Yeah, which only

I'm breathing.

It's the same liberty

that gives me the right

to fart in my own car.

Are you gonna tell a man

that he can't fart

in his own car?

There is a basket

of oil-soaked rags

above a wood-burning stove.

Good thing I've got

a fire extinguisher,

which, I can assure you,

is totally up to

your precious code.

This says it should be

recharged June of 1996.

Those dates

are arbitrary.

They're like

those expiration dates

that the government

forces companies

to put on yogurt

and medicine.

Observe.

Watch yourself.

Yeah.

Okay. I'll replace this.

Happy?

How long do you

think it would take me

to learn golf, Leslie?

I could teach you.

I have a 16 handicap.

But, you know,

it takes a lot

of practice.

You have to

get up early,

hit the range,

practice reading greens.

Yeah, I don't

want to do all that.

I think I just want

some of those dope pants.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

It's Fairway Frank!

Wow. Okay.

All right. Tom,

I want you to very slowly...

Move!

Get out of the way!

...five,

26, 27, 28 violations.

Come on,

Brendanawicz, relax.

Let me make you

a canoe.

Well, I don't need

a canoe, Ron.

I need you

to fix this place up.

So, I'll give you

24 hours.

Okay, we may only

get one chance

to catch this thing,

so we have

to play it smart.

You two, flank the left.

I'll flank the right.

Andy will come in to...

Andy!

I got it!

Oh, my God!

Task force, engage!

I got him!

He's got it.

He's good.

I got him.

Come on, you cowards!

Let me see his face.

Let me see his face!

That's him!

We got him!

It's okay.

He's on my neck!

Okay, okay,

okay, okay!

He's on my neck!

It's all right,

it's all right,

it's all right.

All right, it's okay.

You're next, Poopy.

Very impressive, Leslie.

Oh, thank you.

I had a great task force.

I was just

the simple mastermind

who planned

the whole operation

and executed it

to perfection.

This is Andy Dwyer,

he actually

caught the thing.

Mr. Dwyer.

Please, my friends

call me Andy Radical.

No, we don't.

By day, Andy Dwyer,

shoeshine-ist.

By a different time

of day, Andy Radical,

possum tackler.

And by night,

I do whatever I want.

No job.

We think that this is

a great PR opportunity.

So, we've arranged

for a reporter

from the Journal to

stop by to interview,

get some pictures

of the team.

Task force. Great!

And next time

you need a special favor

from the mayor's office,

give me a call.

Oh, my God, I will!

I need so many

special favors.

Which one

should I choose?

Well, you don't

have to choose right...

How about an extra

recycling can? No.

Laminated bus pass? No.

What time do you

usually go to sleep?

Because my best ideas

usually come to me

at night.

Let's stick to

business hours,

shall we?

Yeah, all right.

See you in hell, buddy.

Am I sure

the possum we caught

is Fairway Frank? Yes.

Am I quite sure? No.

Am I sure enough? Maybe.

If it wasn't Fairway Frank,

would I feel badly?

Of course.

Could I live with myself?

That depends.

As a city official,

it's important

that I ask myself

a lot of questions.

Does doing so

help me make decisions?

Uh...

Oh, hey, Shauna.

Hi, Leslie.

Hi! Andy. You remember

Shauna Malwee-Tweep,

from the Pawnee Journal?

How could I forget?

You wrote the article

when I fell in the pit.

And then afterwards,

had sex with Mark

and everyone

talked about it.

So,

you're on the golf course,

and you see Fairway Frank.

Well, we see a possum

that we believe to

be Fairway Frank.

So, for right now,

let's just refer to it

as a possum.

Let me explain

something to you, Tweep.

When you're

in a situation,

you don't have time

to think.

So, I thought

to myself,

"Don't think, Andy, act."

So, you weren't

thinking?

Not at all.

I cannot emphasize enough

how little I was thinking.

Were you scared?

No. No, I wasn't.

Well, I...

I lived in the pit

for the better part

of last year,

and made some

vermin friends.

You know what?

"Friends" sounds stupid.

Colleagues.

They are bad at sharing,

but they are good at tag.

Well, your family

must be very proud.

What does your

girlfriend think?

The nurse.

I broke up with Ann.

Yeah.

Shortly after

she kicked me out

and told me we wouldn't

be together anymore.

Well, maybe this article

will change her mind.

What now?

I hadn't even

thought of that. Wow.

Of all the things

I thought would

bring us back together,

catching a possum

was never on that list.

Well, let's go

take some pictures

of Fairway Frank.

Of the possum.

Seriously, man,

when you wear

these clothes,

you just feel better

than everyone else.

You know?

Yeah.

Busy?

No. What's up?

Just wanted to tell you,

I understand that

city codes exist,

and I know

why they exist.

And I understand

that you enforce them.

Okay.

Okay. Good talk.

Can you sign off

on my plans now?

Did you get

everything up to code?

Yup.

No, you didn't!

You clearly didn't!

It's my property,

my land, my shop.

Ooh. Tommy needs a banana.

You guys good?

Ron, you're

asking me to do a bad job

at my job,

and I'm just not

gonna do that.

So, if you don't mind,

would you please just

get out of my office?

Ooh. Silly me.

There was this

little pom-pom

on my glove

and it fell off.

Have you seen it?

Could you help me

look for it real quick?

It should be on

the ground somewhere.

When I was

putting it up. See.

So, how's your hole?

Excuse me?

The pit. Lot 48.

Oh, we're making

really good progress

on the park.

In fact,

there may be some big news

on that front coming soon,

all because of

this very important

business card.

So, this isn't

a really big story, right?

Nobody cares

about this very much.

Well, Fairway Frank

did bite the mayor's dog.

So, this could be

on the front page.

Fairway Frank

You're gonna die

You're gonna fry, oh, yeah

You guilty son of a bitch

You're gonna fry

When they flip that switch

Hey, April,

can I talk to you about this

situation with the possum?

No.

Okay. Hypothetically,

if you were going

on a mission to, say,

catch a guilty whale.

And while you were

catching the whale,

you saw something else

that may also

be another whale,

and you were like,

"What?"

But then you thought,

maybe it's not a whale.

Maybe it's a big fish.

Maybe it's a submarine

with a face painted on it.

The point is,

if I kill the first whale,

am I technically

a murderer?

I don't know what

you're talking about.

I saw a second possum!

There was another possum!

Wait. Andy's in there

talking to a reporter,

literally kissing

his own biceps

and you're telling me

he might not be a hero,

but just some jerk

that goes around

tackling random possums?

No. I've gotta help

Leslie find the truth.

Not because

I'm pissed at Andy,

which I'm not.

Because I care so deeply

about possums.

Because they're

so adorable.

April! Did you

see my photo shoot?

I think I nailed it.

I fell off the stool once

when I was trying

to look serious,

but I'm okay.

That's cool.

I'm really happy for you.

You are?

Man, our happy reactions

are super different.

So, he said

he's gonna e-mail me

the photos in,

like, six hours.

Do you want

to wait with me?

Yeah, that sounds good,

but I can't

because I have

to go do something

that actually matters.

Fairway Frank's been

haunting the sixth hole

for a while now.

You must know him

pretty well.

Sure do.

I've chased that

little sucker off more

times than I can count.

Can you just take

a look at these photos

and make sure that

it's Fairway Frank?

Yup, that's him.

Mr. Campopiano,

those are photos of

three different possums.

Huh.

You guys want

something to drink?

Hey, boss.

There's a possum wandering

around on the 14th green.

Should I call

Animal Control again?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Those idiots are here

from Animal Control.

They're gonna

take it away. Okay.

We need

a little bit more time

to figure out the truth.

Look, I have an idea.

I'm gonna distract

everybody

and then you get

that possum out of here.

Can you do that, April?

April, can you do that?

Can you get

the possum out of here?

Can you sneak it

out of here?

April, can you do it?

Can you do it?

Please, April,

tell me you can do it!

Yes. Yes, I can do it.

God.

I can't kill the possum,

because it might be innocent.

I can't let the possum go,

because it might be guilty.

I can't make a good soup,

can't do a handstand

in a pool,

can't spell

the word "lieutenant."

There's a lot of can'ts

in my life right now.

Let's make it

happen, Captain.

Don't call me that.

You know what smells?

Help! Help, my arm looks

like it's bleeding!

Holy cow! Leslie!

Oh, boy. Oh, look

how much it's bleeding.

Everybody look at it.

Everybody look

over here!

I need everyone's full

attention during this.

That's

a lot of blood.

It is, it's so...

It's ketchup!

Is it?

Jerry. Jerry.

Yes. It's ketchup.

MALE NARRATOR ON TV:

Sentry duty is usually

approximately one hour long.

Baby meerkats do not

start foraging for food

until about one month old.

Do you know them?

What do you mean

that Fairway Frank

is not here?

Here's the thing, Evelyn,

we're not sure that

the possum we caught is,

in fact, Fairway Frank.

Leslie, whoever it is,

it's a possum.

And the sooner it's dead,

the sooner the mayor can do

what he wants with it.

Does he want to have sex

with a dead possum?

No!

No.

He's not a monster.

He wants to stuff it and

hang it above the urinal

in his office bathroom

so that little flecks of pee

can get on it forever.

Ew!

Now, Leslie,

you did a great job,

and the mayor knows

that you did a great job.

Now, where is the possum?

I'm sorry,

but he's somewhere

you'll never find it

and he's gonna stay there

until the truth comes out.

And I will not

reveal his location,

no matter

how much you ask me.

But I'm going to

stop talking now

because I'm afraid

I may accidentally say

where it is, so please go.

This is interesting.

They put down a raccoon

that bit a jogger in

a park in Staten Island.

Wow.

And in Walnut Creek,

California,

they put down a duck

that bit a kid.

But security footage

later revealed that

it was actually a goose.

That's great.

No, it's awful, Tom.

How would you feel

if you killed

an innocent duck

and let a vicious

goose waddle free?

Tom Haverford.

Tom! It's April,

I'm at Ann's house

and the possum's loose!

Okay? I need your help!

Oh, my God!

It's chewing on everything!

Don't tell Leslie.

You got it.

The possum got loose

at Ann's house.

Oh, my God!

April!

April, it's Leslie Knope,

from the Parks Department.

Stop

ringing the doorbell,

it's making him mad.

Oh, my God!

How did this happen?

I let it out of its cage

because it needed water,

and I thought it

would just drink

out of the toilet

or something,

but then it ran off and

I couldn't get it back in.

He did that, too.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, and then

I opened all the doors

because I thought it

would just go outside,

but it won't

leave the house!

It must love tacky

pictures of flowers.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm gonna fix this.

Let me just think

for a second.

Uh-oh.

What?

Where is it?

I can't see it!

No! Okay,

where did it go?

I don't know!

I don't know.

Here's what we do,

we just go outside.

All right?

Let's just go outside!

Get in here!

I haven't even

started yet.

I know.

Thought you could

use some help.

Those city planning guys

can be real pains in the ass.

Okay.

I just want you

to know

that I still don't

think city codes...

Ron, shut up.

Would you, please?

I'm taking a half-day off

to come and help you out

because you're my friend,

so just shut up.

No, I am bringing

my workshop up to

the Swanson Code.

And if the Swanson Code

happens to overlap

with the City

Government Code...

Shut up.

I know there's a door there,

but I kind of feel like

it's going to

chew through the door

and come and jump

on my face and bite me.

Ew. I know!

What if it's in here?

What if it laid eggs

in the bed?

Okay, there...

There are no eggs!

You know,

we should've killed it.

It's so huge.

I'm gonna call Andy.

No.

Yeah. He tackled it

once before,

he can do it again.

No, please don't, okay?

He's gonna be pissed at me.

I already ruined his big day,

and it's my fault

that it's in Ann's house,

who he's obviously

still in love with.

I just... I don't

want him to be

mad at me, okay?

Oh. April.

He'll forgive you.

You think so?

Yeah.

We don't have

to call Andy.

We can just call

Animal Control.

Okay.

And, April,

any time you want

to talk about boys...

Oh, my God! Stop!

Yo. So, I feel like

you were mad at me

yesterday

and I don't know why.

So, I made a list of

everything I did

and I'm gonna try not to

do any of them again.

Also, I got you

this coffee.

And then there's this.

Fourth paragraph down.

"But Dwyer had some help

catching the possum.

""I wouldn't have

been able to do it

"without an early-morning

caffeine boost

""from the amazing

April Ludgate.

""She gave me

the liquid courage I needed

""to wrestle that beast

to the ground.""

Well, Miss Knope.

I have to say I'm

very disappointed.

You didn't have to say that,

you could've just thought it.

What did you do with

the possum, exactly?

Well, I'm proud to say

that it's somewhere

the mayor can

never pee on it.

It's okay.

Honestly. I mean, look.

When I retire and

I'm attending some gala

honoring the first three

female presidents in history,

myself and two other women

I've inspired,

I want to be looking back

at my distinguished legacy

and not thinking

that I owe my career

to some possum.

And I want to be wearing

a huge, beautiful, blue hat!

Thank you so much.

Sure.

It made me feel

so happy that I knew

somebody was here

taking care of my house.

Cool.

So, did the neighbors

give you any problems?

No.

Anything in...

Possum.

There was a possum.

We captured a possum

and we brought it

into your house

and it got out

and it might have

laid eggs in your bed.

What?

And it went into

your laundry

and your kitchen,

and it touched

all your bras

and I'm so sorry.

It's our fault.

We captured it

and it got out

and it ran around

and it was a possum.

Okay? April, run!

Run, April.

Sorry, Ann! I love you!

I'm gonna go.

I think that

would be best.