Original subtitles

No, no, no, of course you haven't been an imposition.

Not at all.

You're our favourite house guest. Mm.

It's been lovely having you to stay.

Hasn't it, Pete?

Yeah, it's been, er... special.

Oh!

I've probably been your worst nightmare.

No, no.

Can I help you with your suitcase?

All my crying...

Drinking all your wine...

Well, we hid all the good stuff.

You are so funny!

I'm going to go now, or I'll be in tears,

but I have really loved spending time with you these past six weeks.

Nine. Sorry?

Nine weeks.

I'm only sorry I'm going to miss the kids coming home

for your big Christmas.

But, you know, I am ready for the next big adventure of my life,

with Zach.

He's a very lucky man.

Yes, I hope he appreciates exactly what he's getting.

Don't keep your Uber waiting.

You're my only friend.

Oh, goodbye, Jane.

You've made me whole again.

Bye-bye.

Bye, Jane. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye, Jane. Bye!

Bye. Bye-bye-bye. Bye.

Bye. Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, thanks for putting up with her.

I don't know why I feel so responsible for her.

Well, God help Zach.

She showed me his Insta and he actually seems, you know, sane.

Apart from dating Jane.

We can get out the wine we hid now.

Yeah! Oh, let me do that.

No, no, I'm fine.

OK, great.

I can crack on with getting everything ready.

Well, it looks quite ready, already.

I just want our Christmas to be perfect, you know,

what with everything.

And I have to be organised because this place

is so much smaller than the last place, and, well,

they're so much bigger.

Right. MOBILE PINGS

Oh.

Ah, Ben.

It's funny, isn't it, the amount of times that we get

messages from them when we just happen to be talking about them?

Maybe we're just always talking about them.

Oh, no, his train's been delayed.

No...

Due to Sean on the line near Hemel Hempstead.

Sean? That's what it says here.

Sean who?

Oh, no, it was autocorrect.

It's a swan on the line.

A swan? Jeez, who's going to miss a swan?

They're just geese with longer necks and better PR.

They should run it over.

You're not going to stop a train for a duck.

All right?

Maybe we shouldn't tell the kids today, you know...

Pete, we've put it off for a few weeks already.

Yeah.

OK.

DOORBELL RINGS

Surely Jake and Rani can't be on time.

No, this is for next door.

Oh...

Again.

We've got to tell them to stop putting us down

as their designated safe place. MOBILE PINGS

Oh, Ben again.

Oh, they're waiting for someone who's completed

a swan conflict management course.

Pete?

Sorry.

I'm just a bit worried about how the kids will take the news.

I think that they'll be less worried if we don't look worried.

I think they'll take their signal from us, if we're, you know...

..unruffled.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

PHONE BEEPS

Jake? Karen?

No.

Next door.

The parcel people.

They've got builders coming in today.

There may be "a little bit of noise".

Oh, the last time they had builders in they texted

"there might be a little bit of dust".

The lawn turned red.

It was like Dune.

And it got in the house.

I had pink sputum. I know.

I think I've still got the photos of it you sent me.

DOORBELL RINGS

That better not be another package.

Jake! Hey, Jakey.

Hey, Mum. Hey, Dad.

Happy Christmas.

Are, um, Rani and little Zara coming along later?

Um...

Yes, maybe.

Oh, wow, you've, er...

You've got lots of, um...

Decorations? Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, sorry, I'm just, um, feeling a bit, um...

Tired? Yes.

Ah!

You look exhausted.

Is, er...?

Is work OK?

You know, instead of being an IT consultant, I wish I'd become a...

A tree surgeon, or an airline pilot.

Basically any job where I can't work from home.

Isn't it good working from home?

Not with a three-year-old there.

I thought it was supposed to get easier.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Zara is a great kid, you know,

really bright, but, oh, she is relentless.

She spends every second of every day imagining she's an animal.

Is that normal?

Ben did that.

So it's not normal? Oh, it's fine.

For the last ten days, she's been a beaver.

She's flooded the bathroom twice,

and our furniture all has teeth marks on it.

Look, some kids at that age just have very intense imaginations.

For several weeks, Ben was a hippo.

A bull hippo.

We got summoned to school because he charged a dinner lady

who'd intruded on his territory.

Would you like a lie down?

Oh, God, yes.

Thank you.

OK, well, we've given you the larger of the spare rooms,

so there's space for Rani and Zara...

..if that's needed...

..when they arrive.

If they arrive. Thank you.

I'll, um...

promise I'll come down more, you know, Christmassy.

DRILLING NOISES

Next door's builders.

You'll never sleep through that lot.

Oh, no, I will.

God, he looks shattered.

Mm.

Why has he not come with Rani and Zara?

Maybe they've quarrelled.

I hope Jake hasn't done something stupid.

I mean, it might be Rani.

Oh, come on, it'll be him.

What if they've split up?

That'll ruin Christmas.

Let's not catastrophise.

Let's just carry on as planned.

Although, given the state he's in, I do wonder

if we should put off telling him about the...

DRILLING NOISES

I mean the last thing Jake wants to hear now is that...

HE SHOUTS: I've got cancer.

Oh, Pete.

Sorry, I forgot your keys.

Pete, that is so unfair.

Jake's upstairs, so...

You absolutely don't deserve it.

Well, I think it's cells randomly mutating

rather than a moral judgment.

But anyway, the good news is that they caught it early

and the prognosis is good.

My heart goes out to you, as a cancer survivor myself.

I didn't know you had... Yeah.

I had this mole that was a really weird colour,

but thank God it turned out OK.

You must stay mentally positive.

Really, it works.

This yoga pal of mine, he used to go down to this lake every morning

and write "cancer" on a stone and throw it into the water.

Well, I'll consider that carefully.

Unfortunately, one morning he hit a woman in a kayak, and she claimed

she had memory loss, and sued him for a ridiculous amount of money.

Did he have to pay?

No, he died of the cancer before it came to court.

Phew!

Sorry, this is actually really upsetting me.

I'm going to have to leave or I'll be in floods.

Oh, dear.

Um...

Well...

Bye, Jane.

What the hell was that?

That was like Holly Willoughby crossed with the Provisional IRA.

DRILLING NOISES

Oh, there we go.

Another "little bit of noise".

Ah, hi, darling. Hi.

A delivery guy handed me this and then just ran off.

It's for next door.

Why didn't the bloody builders take it?

Well, they obviously didn't hear the bell.

It's just a couple of boxes.

Well, I just, I don't want the hall clogged up with parcels.

I want it to look Christmassy in every direction,

through 360 degrees.

Sorry.

Sorry, go on through, sweetheart.

I passed Jane getting into a taxi.

She's so weird.

She called out to "be strong".

Did she?

Why did you let her stay for, what was it, eight...

Nine weeks. Why?

It would have been unkind if we'd just abandoned her, and...

You let yourself get pushed around.

It's about boundaries.

When I was growing up, I wish you'd set more boundaries for me.

Having boundaries for you is a bit like having

boundaries for Ben Stokes.

DRILLING

So, how's things going?

Fine. How are you?

Oh, yeah, you know, fine.

I mean, couldn't be better.

I mean, you know, basically.

Absolutely, um...

How's work? Going well? Not really.

I've decided to quit.

Oh, OK.

There's a problem with the team.

What kind of problem?

They're useless.

Your colleagues are useless? Yeah.

No strategy, no vision.

I mean, they've got the wrong priorities.

So, very like the colleagues at your previous job.

Yeah.

And the one before that. Yeah.

Do you think that maybe, possibly...?

How's Lucy? We split up.

Different priorities.

Oh, right.

Oh, I liked Lucy. So...

Why did Jane say, "be strong"?

Oh, that's just Jane.

You know what Jane's like.

Just Jane being... What else is new?

Um...

I'm thinking of changing my name,

because Karen is the archetypal name for an entitled,

middle-aged woman.

Oh, I'm sorry, we meant to teleport into the future to check on that

when we christened you.

So what name are you thinking of?

Morticia is nice.

PHONE PINGS

Ben.

He's on a bus replacement replacement service.

Did he type it twice?

First bus broke down.

Of course, technically, a bus replacement service

sounds like it's replacing a bus that's broken down.

I mean, really, it should be a train replacement bus.

I've missed this.

Have you considered Cruella?

Suella?

I am holding a bread knife.

Lucretia? Chlamydia?

Advent calendars!

Yeah, we got one for each of you.

Obviously we've opened all of them and eaten most of the chocolate.

PHONE BUZZES

Hang on, hang on, hang on...

PHONE PINGS

Oh, no.

Ben says that they've been kicked off the bus replacement

replacement service.

The driver was savaged by his emotional support animal.

He's speaking to Rani.

Did he just say "why must we separate"?

No, I think it was "try not to get in a state".

I thought it was "buy some Sellotape".

DOORBELL RINGS

Why would he say "buy some Sellotape"?

Might have presents to wrap.

Take the photo then.

He's training.

If this is for next door, I don't want it.

Not just her.

You need box in the photo too.

I'm not accepting this.

I'm not... But I...

Yeah, that's better.

I'm not accepting this!

Have a nice day! Have a nice day!

Oh, for f...!

Right, I'm just going to get all these parcels

and I'm going to put them on their doorstep.

No, no, it'll get stolen, just like during lockdown when I ordered

that ukulele, you know, when I decided

I was going to learn to play.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was really unlucky.

The police never rang me back, you know.

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

All right?

Yeah.

Any news on when Rani and Zara may come?

Or not.

No pressure, but we'd...

We'd love to see them.

Rani would love to see you, too.

Me less so.

I'm sorry.

We seem to fight all the time.

Well, of course you do.

You're both suffering from sleep deprivation.

For this brief period of time, you're just like two hostages

sharing a cell, being tortured by a three-year-old sociopath.

Is this supposed to be making me feel better?

I'm just saying that,

under those circumstances, you're bound to fight.

You and Mum didn't fight.

SHE LAUGHS

You did fight?

When you were tiny and you wouldn't sleep? Yes.

Your mum once locked me out

for going on a bender after the footie with some mates.

No, I locked you out because I'd discovered you'd been pretending

to do overtime so you could grab a crafty 40 winks in the staffroom.

Are you sure? Because I could swear...

Oh, was that the row where I chucked your phone down the toilet?

Yeah.

Which was the one where you threw the mallet?

We said we'd never speak of that again.

Oh, yeah...

So, you and Rani have been fighting a lot?

Yeah, but nothing involving mallets.

I hope you haven't done anything stupid.

Oh, what, like get arrested?

This again? That's not fair, Jake.

The police didn't arrest Dame Emma Thompson

at that Just Stop Oil protest.

Well, she didn't call a chief inspector a Primark Nazi.

Yeah, well, at least I never...

Just stop! Stop this now.

I am not having you ruin Christmas by bickering.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I know, I'm ruffled.

That was quite ruffled.

Everything OK? Yeah.

No, it's fine.

Something's wrong, isn't it? No, no.

Well, there is something your dad wants to talk to you about.

Well, when Ben gets here.

Yeah. What's it about?

Just...

Are you going to stop paying for our mobile phones?

Do we still pay for your mobile phones?

No.

I think you should tell us.

Yeah, if you want to tell us together, we can FaceTime Ben.

There is nothing to worry...

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me.

I'd better get the door, because it could be someone, um...

..at the door.

Oh, I bet that's another delivery.

Jane?

Sorry.

Do come in.

Sorry, but Zach's in hospital.

His e-scooter was in a head-on collision with a Segway.

That's terrible. That's awful.

You'd probably want to be with him.

I did want to be with him,

but then his wife turned up at the hospital.

Oh, you didn't know he had a...

That's probably a no.

And then his other wife turned up

and they had this terrible screaming match.

Right, so Zach's a bigamist.

That's a surprise.

He's got seven children.

So there's probably not much chance of you two making up

and staying at his place.

Hi, KK.

Hi, Jakey.

I am so, so sorry to impose,

especially at a time like this,

but I just can't think straight.

Why does this always happen?

Why do I always pick men who...

An armed robber?

Obsessed with Victorian pornography?

Wanted for genocide by the International Court of Human Rights?

Be honest.

Is it me?

No.

It's just bad luck, Jane.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Now, I need to lie down.

Yeah, just ignore me, and, please,

please don't even think of bringing me a cup of tea with two sugars.

What did she mean, "especially at a time like this"?

We'll tell you when all three of you are here.

No, I think you should definitely tell us now.

I'll FaceTime Ben. Wi-Fi is better in there.

No, why don't, why don't we just...?

Might be better.

Oh, hi.

They've put us all in cabs to the bus station,

so I should be with you by midnight.

Mum and Dad have something they need to tell us.

Are they going to stop paying for our mobile phones?

No. Well, yes.

Pete? OK.

Er, so...

The good news is that they've caught it early,

and I'm very likely to be fine.

But I've been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Right.

Sorry, Dad.

Yeah, sorry. I missed that.

You broke up after "so...".

Dad's been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

But they caught it early.

BEN: No, not getting anything now.

Oh, cheers. Oh...

I can still see you, so give me a thumbs up if you can hear me.

Right. You would not believe the day I've been having.

Maybe we should just abandon this. Oh, I heard that.

Ben, I've been diagnosed...

DRILLING

..with prostate cancer.

No. Noise on your end.

It's not serious, but I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

That's good. Good?

Well, if it's not serious, it can wait till I get there.

He just heard the first bit! This is, er, Jelena and Galena.

Hey! Hey. From Estonia. They put us in a cab together.

Wave to my family, guys!

I'll call him later, just him.

BEN: Big fight in the buffet car.

So, er... So, Dad...

I'm having a prostatectomy in mid-January.

You can live without a prostate. Let's hope so.

Sorry, Dad, that was stupid. No, don't worry, Jake.

It's a lot to take in.

They're almost certain that it hasn't got beyond the prostate,

so that is really good.

PHONE BUZZING

Yeah, hi, Rani.

Hey, look, I'm going to have to call you back, all right?

No, no, I'm not. I'm...

Rani, I'm really sorry, he really does have to call you back.

Yeah.

Are you in pain?

No, no. No, not at all.

I, erm, I'm entirely fine.

Apart from, well, you know, er ...

Little bit of bumpiness in the weeing department.

Um, this operation...

How long...? Look, I will tell you anything you need to know,

but, first, I'm going to try Ben again, just to get it out the way.

OK. Yeah. Sure thing, Dad.

Er, can we get you anything?

No, I'm fine.

WHISPERING: Karen can't really kick off at the moment,

so it might be a good time to tell her that she's sharing a bedroom

with Jane.

DULL THUDDING

DISTANT SIREN

It's 2:00am.

OK, I know I've gone a bit Santazilla,

but once Christmas is over, it can all go back to being a tip.

Ben's not answering.

Have you still got that app that tracks his phone? Um...

Oh! Yeah. He's just down the road, by Brentford Station.

Oh, great.

No, he's in Luton. Eh?

Oh, no, he's in the middle of a lake...in Belgium.

So he was definitely all right when you spoke to him earlier?

Yeah, he was lovely.

Calm and sensible.

Galena and Jelena were in pieces, though.

Might take a while before it hits them fully.

You know what?

We'll know they're OK when they start taking the piss.

Will they do that?

Oh, yeah.

PHONE ALERT

Oh, Ben's heading south to the Pyrenees.

I wish he wasn't going on this Andes gap-year trip thing.

Well, he missed it the first time cos of Covid.

I know, but it's such a worry, him climbing mountains.

Well, it's hard to damage mountains.

And anyway, the mates he's going with seem very sensible.

They're going mountain climbing with Ben!

We've got to let go, with all of them.

We've got to let them leap out of that plane

into that vortex of heartbreak and uncertainty...

..and dealing with Virgin Media.

Hiya! Ah!

This was on the step. Oh, for f...

Hey, good trip?

Yeah.

They put us in another taxi with a 93-year-old Zambian nun.

Well, I hope you got her number.

Why do you always do this?

Ben, put him down! Oh, God.

Sorry, I didn't... I didn't even think.

Have I hurt you? No. It's just annoying.

Oh, that's all right, then.

I, er...

I really am sorry about your news, Dad.

I'm sorry. Cancer's not very Christmassy.

Yeah, well, neither is Die Hard, but that's still on every year.

What's up, little bro?

You good, man?

Hey, all present and correct!

With all your busy lives, there was a point there

I never thought I'd manage to get us all together for Christmas lunch.

But you have.

On November the 23rd.

It's not that early. The John Lewis ads have started.

Yeah, but they started in August!

Oh, thought I could smell eggs.

Yeah. No, sorry.

I woke up really hungry so just thought I'd make myself some...

No problem.

There are plenty more eggs in the...

..supermarket.

So we're really doing the full Christmas in November thing

today, are we? Well, Jake will be in Wales,

celebrating Christmas with Rani's parents, in theory.

And Karen will be...

Is Dad putting on an act?

Eh? He's sort of making jokes nonstop,

and he does that when he's worried. Oh... Morning! Hey, Ben.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I don't know. I'll tell you tomorrow!

Er, what is the difference...? What do you want for breakfast?

Er, well, I'll just scramble myself some eggs.

No, I don't think you will.

Oh, I see. Well, I'll just, um, grab some cereal.

Good morning, Karen!

Sleep well?

I bet you and Jane were up chatting late into the night,

enjoying lots of girl talk.

Have you got some kind of death wish?

Morning, love.

OK, I've got cancer, so I get first crack at the shower.

Did you manage to get some sleep?

I'm not sure.

I was either awake all night, or dreaming I was awake all night.

BELL TINGS Ah, right.

8:55, lunch preparation - phase one.

I'm not doing anything too ambitious.

I'm just going to do a Wellington, which is four-fifths turkey

and one-fifth mushroom and butternut squash for our vegetarian.

Mum, you're spilling oil. Oh. Let us help.

No, no, no, you stay there. I've got everything under control!

Ow! Oh!

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I just need to check on something out here.

God, that was weird. Yeah.

Mum's obsessing over this whole perfect Christmas thing

so she doesn't have to mentally process Dad's diagnosis.

So you're still producing those psychology podcasts then?

Well, actually...

Look, clearly the pair of them are trying not to worry us,

so it's up to us to not come across as worried.

OK? Let's just chill, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Jane's in the shower, so I'll try again in a few...

..days. So, Dad, this op...

Yeah, it's very routine. They do it all the time.

I was just wondering if they've talked you through

all the treatment options.

Why do you ask? Well, I googled prostate cancer.

What? What did you do that for? Rookie error. Why?

I was looking for information,

cos, you know, information helps you make...

Look, the consultant was very clear.

He took us through all the choices.

OK, that's good. What's his name?

Karen, you are not googling my consultant.

Yeah, I'm just... Look, it's fine.

We have complete confidence in Mr Henderson.

Henderson... "Don't tell him, Pike!"

I mean, have you considered the option of...

Karen, I refer you to our previous conversation.

All I'm asking is...

Look, I understand everyone's concern,

but sometimes you just have to put your trust

in the competence of strangers.

So, you know, try not to go looking for things to worry about.

There is no awful disaster coming round the corner.

Morning!

Sorry, Dad, you were saying?

That's all right. I mean, why not? We're not religious.

Yeah, why not?

I don't know, just doesn't seem right to have

Harry Kane at the top of a Christmas tree.

No, no, no. By all means, one more parcel.

I'll put it with the other 247.

That sounds like trouble.

Have a good day!

Another bloody parcel!

Can you believe it? Oops! SMASHING

How careless of me!

Sue, it's marked as fragile.

And it's addressed to us.

You OK?

Are next door back?

Oh, yeah, they've been back for a while.

Oh, I have texted stupid Howard so many times to come

and collect these.

Oh, right.

Mum will go nuts when... Sh!

'Ha-llo?' Hi, Howard.

It's Pete from next door.

'Hey, Pete from next door! How are things, bro?'

Er, things are fine, thanks...

..bro.

Listen, um, a lot of your parcels have...

'No problem. Got your message.'

Messages.

Er, anyway, we've got guests and space is a bit limited, so...

'I'm on it. No problem.'

Hmm.

Weird how often people who say "no problem"

turn out to be a problem.

Do you want me to stick all those parcels out the back,

so they're out of your way?

Yes, good idea.

Oh, Ben.

I forgot to say, there's a documentary on later.

Michael Portillo touring the Andes.

We should watch it.

He might get attacked by a puma. What?

It's about the Andes, where you're going.

Oh, right. Um...

..actually, I've decided I'm not going to do that trip.

Whoa, whoa, wait. You can't do that!

But it's a fantastic opportunity, Ben.

Well, there's always next time. The Andes aren't going anywhere.

I've emailed my boss to... But you've booked your ticket.

You've... I don't want to be on the other side of the world.

I want to be around. For the op, you know?

Ben...

This op is absolutely bog-standard.

They do it all the time.

So, you know, life goes on.

Go climb your mountains. Yeah.

Just maybe not the very high, steep ones.

No, the trip can wait.

I'll go shift those parcels.

Er... Sorry, um, I, er, I finally got a message from Rani.

Seems she and Zara won't be joining us.

It's a boring story, but, um, yeah, sorry to muck you about.

Brilliant! Bloody brilliant.

This whole weekend is falling apart.

Sorry. Sorry.

I should be thinking about poor Jake.

Well, and you.

Why don't you have a lie down? I don't need a lie down.

Put your feet up, you know. Relax. I'm relaxed.

I'm very relaxed.

Why wouldn't I be relaxed? Hello, Jane.

How's things?

Well, the good news is that someone has recommended a therapist

who specialises in relaxation techniques

for exactly this kind of situation.

I don't need any techniques.

I meant my situation.

Right.

You see, I have serious abandonment issues.

Because I've experienced a lot of abandonment.

Yes, of course.

Sorry, I didn't mean "yes, of course"...

Something smells good.

It's, um...

..an early family Christmas lunch.

You're welcome to join us.

Well, if you're sure.

Maybe I will go for that lie down.

Stage 14A.

Yorkshire puddings. They're not easy.

They're fine.

Last time we had them, the oven caught fire.

But that was the old oven. We've got a new oven now.

Well, we had to. Very funny.

You mark my words, this meal is going to be a triumph.

Not with Jane here, it isn't!

What do you expect me to do? She's my friend.

Well, a real friend is straight with a friend and tells them

when they're being an arsehole.

Do you do that? Yes.

Mind you, she does get through a lot of friends.

Mum, are you sure you don't want...? Absolutely not.

I mean, I'm happy to have a word with Jane.

No. No.

We're not turfing her out at Christmas.

Just think, if King Herod had done his job properly,

we wouldn't have to go through all this.

DOORBELL RINGS

That better be sodding Howard come to collect his parcels.

If it isn't, I'm going to take that big one

and I'm going to stick it...

Ahhh! Oh! Hello, Sue.

Rani! Jake said you weren't coming.

Hello, Grandma. Hello.

Grrr!

Oh! Is Mrs Beaver in a grumpy mood?

She's not a beaver any more.

OK, so... She's a hyena. Oh.

Hyenas hunt at night. Oh.

SHE SNARLS

You went to Clover's birthday party, didn't you?

And Clover's mummy put on a DVD all about hyenas.

And when we next see Clover's mummy, we're going to gut her like a fish.

SHE SNARLS Come in.

Come on, then.

What can I hear? Oh, hello!

Who's this? It's a beaver, isn't it?

No, it's a hyena.

Oh, that's a coincidence, because so am I.

Hyena!

Yes, a talking hyena. We're very rare.

BOTH SNARL

I tell you what, I've got a wildebeest out back.

Do you want to help me rip it to pieces with our teeth?

Yeah, come on. Hyena crush the bones.

So sorry to mess you about, Sue.

Jake and I are having some... No, no explanations needed.

It's fine.

Um...

I heard about Pete's news.

I'm sorry, that's really rubbish.

Oh, well, stuff happens.

Anyway, it's perfect now you're here.

Where's Jake? Having a lie down. Oh, the jammy bastard.

Well, why don't you go and get some shuteye?

Really? Are you sure?

Yeah, we'll call you when the food's ready.

Oh!

I know.

I remember.

SNARLING

We've been hyenas for quite a long time now, haven't we?

Do you think we could stop being hyenas?

No-o-o-o-o!

That's fairly clear.

SNARLING CONTINUES

Ah! But I'm a hyena, I'm not a wildebeest.

This is what wildebeests do.

SHE GIGGLES

This wildebeest is going to escape.

Hyenas have Christmas crackers that have bones in it.

That's interesting. Even dog bones in there.

This hyena is quite cold and tired with...

..early stages of arthritis, so...

SHE SNARLS

I tell you what, it's lovely being a grandad.

I'll have a giddy-up. Oh, now what?

I don't know whether I'm a wildebeest or a hyena now.

Do you think maybe it's time to stop being a hyena now?

No, not yet.

Please can I stop being a hyena now? No. Please can I?

No. Oh, please. No.

How's work?

Mum said you had a health and safety course last week. Yeah.

Yeah, I had fun presenting that.

You were presenting a health and safety course? You?

Who once drove a ride-on mower round B&Q?

Great, we're all together, back on track.

Where's Zara?

Oh, she, er, she spotted some prey in the garden.

Oh, well.

If any kid can catch a squirrel, she can.

I'll just go keep an eye on her.

I'm going to pass on your kind offer of lunch, Sue.

I think I'd best be on my way.

There are Airbnbs and... No, you're welcome...

No, no, no, this is a family gathering, and I'm in the way.

Must stop being so selfish, and imagining the whole world

revolves around me and my chaotic personal life.

Thanks again, and...

I'll see you around.

Well, I'll be jiggered. Self-awareness.

I'm amazed she managed to work all that out by herself.

She...

She did work it out for herself, didn't she, Karen?

Well, I...

..may have helped her to initiate..

Karen, I specifically asked you not to have a word with her.

And now she's... Oh, God! No, no, no, no!

Oh, God, what is wrong with me?

Will someone open the windows before the smoke alarm goes off?

ALARM BEEPS Oh, shut up!

Can't believe it!

It's all right, Sue, it doesn't matter.

Oh, God, what a racket! What's going on?

Stop! Well, at least we're getting our own back on next door.

Eh? For all the drilling yesterday. They're not there.

They went out. I saw them a few moments ago.

They went out?

Went out and they still haven't picked up their stupid bloody...

I mean that is outrageous behaviour.

That is outrageous behaviour, isn't it?

Yes, it is, but getting upset won't help.

Maybe I should deal with these. I just... I don't need your help.

But you're doing everything. I'm fine. Yeah, but...

Mum wants to do it herself. It's not 1956. I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Everything's under control.

SMASHING

It's OK, Sue.

It's fine.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. It was an accident.

The whole day is ruined. Come on, Mum, why don't you come

and have a sit down over here, all right?

I just wanted it to be... I'll clean this up.

..you know. I know. We all know.

Don't worry, Mum. Look, you lot look after your brilliant mum for a bit.

I've just got to go and do a quick something.

It's OK. It's really OK.

How does he manage to stay so calm?

Yeah, even if it's a cover, it's definitely impressive.

No, he really is Zen.

Yeah, Mr Cool. Yeah.

Mm-hm.

Keep expecting him to blow, but...

Yeah, he's holding it together really well.

Yeah.

Oh, my... Pete! Pete!

Dad! What are you doing?

Dad? Are you OK? Yeah, I've never felt better.

This is the perfect therapy.

What's he...?

HE GROANS

All right.

PARCEL CONTENTS SMASH

DOG BARKS

SHE GIGGLES

OK, all right, all right, all right!

So, I'm a stupid person? Very, very stupid.

Almost an amoeba. I'm Donald Trump.

No, more stupid.

I'm someone more stupid than Trump? ALL: Yeah!

Finally! Why are you clapping? You got it!

That's not a specific person! Yeah, it is. Come on.

OK, OK, everybody.

It's Secret Santa time!

Ben, this is for you.

Hold on, I thought I was doing Ben.

I thought I was.

Well, so did I.

So, er, Ben's getting all the presents in a Secret Santa

organised by Ben?

Hang on, let me just check.

Oh. Right, I see what I've done.

Never should have used that app.

PHONE ALERT Oh.

It's Howard from next door. Threatening legal action.

"No problem."

Open your present, then. OK.

Yeah, see?

I knitted it for your Andes trip thing, which...

..which you're not going on any more.

Well, actually, I decided I'm going to go after all.

Oh, great. Oh, that's... Yeah, good news.

Yeah, I chatted it through with Karen.

But my mates are going to need to rent my room out while I'm gone,

so when I get back, I might need somewhere.

You know, short term. You mean...

You mean stay here? Yeah.

Well, that... I mean... That would be...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that... That's fine. Yeah.

Actually, um, our landlord wants to move in back into our flat,

so we're going to need a place to tide us over.

Oh, you mean... So you...

So you stay here as well? Yeah.

You and Jake and...

..and Zara? Er, yeah, that's right.

Well, you know, it might be... Might be a tad cosy.

Yeah, that's... Yeah, no, I should think that would be...

That would be... Yeah, that would be...

Fine. Mm. Got you!

Oh! THEY LAUGH

Do you know? You have got the best poker face ever!

See, this is why I love this woman.

Well, I'd actually... I'd like to propose a toast, to Rani.

Thank you for completing our family Christmas.

To Rani.

Well, it's Karen you should be thanking.

She made a very kind and persuasive phone call.

Er, yes, well, it was none of your business, you interfering cow,

but thank you.

SNARLING AND GIGGLING Oh, hyena's woken up.

I'd like to propose a toast,

because, you know, it's easy to dwell on the bad stuff, because...

..accidents and cancer, they're out of the ordinary.

But there's the day-to-day stuff, like...

..watching football on the telly, and beans on toast, and...

..being with your family.

And most of that is really good.

So, here's to good old, underappreciated,

everyday life.

What a load of old crap!

Come on, Dad.

Soppy. Very soppy. Talk about cheesy!

See? Taking the piss. Situation normal.

Hello, Miss Hyena.

No, she's not a hyena now.

Some idiot, ie me, left the iPad in the room,

and someone found a movie that's too old for her.

Oh, something's up.

Ooh, what's this about?

She wants to know if anyone would like to play Jurassic Park.

You try and stop me!

HIGH-PITCHED SNARL

Velociraptor!

I'm a mummy velociraptor. Look, look...

SHE CRIES

No, that's rubbish.

You can be the lawyer who gets eaten on the toilet.

I don't want to be the lawyer on the blinking toilet!

I'm a baby velociraptor! Oh, my God.

Is it a cow? What is that? A triceratops.

Triceratopses have three horns!

I've only got two hands! A "tri" ceratops. It's three horns.

Well, maybe I'm a disabled triceratops.

Jurassic Park did not feature a battle between a velociraptor

and a disabled triceratops. Well, maybe it should have.

That would have been inclusive.

Ah-ah-ah! No biting, baby velociraptor.

OK. Ow!

OK, let's all... Ow!

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