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This programme contains some
strong language
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MRS BROWN LAUGHS
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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
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APPLAUSE
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She's Mrs Brown
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Agnes
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00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,360
That's Mrs Brown
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00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,680
Agnes
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Our Mrs Brown.
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00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,120
Hello!
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00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:31,920
Oh, sad news - Rory is not
coming back from Wuhan.
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AUDIENCE:Aww.
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I know.
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00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,760
SHE SNIFFS
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00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,880
Every time I pass his bedroom,
I cry.
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00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,600
It breaks my heart to look in
there and see that...
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00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,840
..mirror on the ceiling
covered in dust.
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00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:49,080
So I've decided to rent out his
room, you know, bed and breakfast.
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00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,040
I have somebody up there at
the moment, Mr Yoshimoto.
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00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,520
He's Japanese.
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00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,040
SHE CHUCKLES
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00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,320
I'm just going through the paper
here and going through the ads.
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00:00:58,320 --> 00:00:59,720
Is it me or...
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00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,280
..or are ads getting more stupid?
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00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,880
Listen to this one.
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00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:05,120
"Person wanted for home care.
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00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,200
"Must have own hula hoop
and be good with falcons."
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Oh here's my one.
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00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,920
SHE CHUCKLES
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00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:19,040
"Double room available with
views of the ancient west."
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Finglas West.
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"Contact Agnes Brown,
92 James Larkin Court, Finglas."
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Why aren't you dressed?
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Your lodger used all the hot water.
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Mr Yoshimoto is not a lodger,
Cathy, he's our guest.
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00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,920
Guests don't pay money to
stay in your house, Mammy.
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00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,120
Neither do you.
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00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,720
You want tea?No, I'm going
over to Sharon's for a shower,
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seeing as I can't have one here.
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00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,920
Well, be quick about it.
I need help turning that
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00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,360
room around for the next guest.
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00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,760
Ah, you haven't got another
booking, have you?
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00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,080
Not yet, but that
should change things.
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00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,720
Oh, and by the way,
if I get a double booking,
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00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,600
you're going to have
to vacate your room.
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You'll have to sleep in with me.
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SHE SNORES AND GROANS
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"Oh, Cathy, Cathy! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!"
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I'd rather sleep in the garden shed.
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If you like.Whatever.
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00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,960
Hmm.
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00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,680
Mr Yoshimoto's been
here for two nights.
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He's as quiet as a mouse.
You wouldn't even know he was here.
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DOOR CLOSES
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That's him up now.
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00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,160
Mr Yoshimoto?! It's eight o'clock!
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Is he gone yet? No.
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HE WHIMPERS
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00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,760
As you can see, my entry into
the hospitality sector...
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00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:55,560
..well, has not been welcomed
by all the residents.
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00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,520
I don't know why.
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Mr Yoshimoto's a lovely man.
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Doesn't speak a word of English.
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Good morning, Mrs Brown!
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Jesus! You frightened
the shyness out of me.
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00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,080
Er, good morning, Mr Yoshimoto.
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Good morning, Ma! Good morning, son.
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00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,840
Er, who's this?
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Oh, er, boys, this is Mr Yoshimoto.
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Yoshimoto! Tokyo!
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00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,120
Hai!
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Buster Brady! Finglas!
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Hi!
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00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,920
Mr Yoshimoto is from the
land of the rising sun.
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Ah, Tipperary.
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00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,000
Japan, Buster.
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00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,040
Oh!
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Bonjour!
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Konnichiwa.
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00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:42,520
Bless you.
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00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,240
He could do that all day, you know.
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00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,600
Is the guest house thing
going well for you, Ma?
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00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,480
Well, I've only had
one booking so far,
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00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,880
but I think that
might change things.
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00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,640
I wouldn't be putting
your address on it, Ma.
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Dermot, if I don't put me address,
how will people know where I live?
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00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,520
You just put your phone number down.
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00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,600
That way when they ring to book, you
get an idea who you're dealing with.
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00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,920
Lot of weirdos out there, Ma.
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00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,360
Mm. Lot of weirdos in here, son.
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00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,000
How do you turn this fella off?
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00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,880
Mr Yoshimoto? Hai.
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00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,680
Is that you away home now?
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00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,080
Yes.
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00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,120
I...pay.
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00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,720
Oh, thank you very much.
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00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,040
Sayonara. Sa... Sayonara.
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00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,800
No, one is plenty, one is plenty.
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00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,400
What a lovely man.
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00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,320
Heh. What's he even
doing in Finglas?
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00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,320
Setting up the plot for
this episode, really.
102
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:39,680
That was quick.
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00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,200
Winnie doesn't have any
hot water, either.
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00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,840
Hello, Cathy.
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00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,400
Goodbye, Cathy.
106
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,760
She's not happy about me
renting out Rory's room.
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00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,160
I think it's brilliant.
Easy money, Ma.
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00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,680
That's what I say, son.
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Mwah. Sayonara. Heh-heh!
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00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,480
Fuckin' yen?
111
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,600
How's Betty's mother getting on?
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00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:11,040
SHE MUMBLES
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00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,360
Is that serious?
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00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,280
SHE MUMBLES
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00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,320
I'm going home if you two are
going to talk in code.
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00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,480
Dermo, I'm really enjoying
this week off work.
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00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,480
Yeah? Well, make the most of it.
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00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,680
As soon as the New Year sales
start, we'll be busy.
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00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,800
People will be buying everything -
new clothes, smartphones,
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00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,440
computer games, booking
summer holidays in Spain
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00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:36,640
or weekends in Paris.
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00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:37,760
Oh, nice one.
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00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,360
Oh, yeah. Busy, busy, busy.
124
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,480
What will we be promoting?
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00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,240
Flaherty's Mouth Organ Repairs.
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00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,760
Oh, right. Busy, busy, busy.
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00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:51,600
Don't knock it, Buster. Where would
you go with a broken mouth organ?
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00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:52,640
The dump.
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00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:55,960
Sharon?
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00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,760
Will Maria let you have another one?
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00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,720
"Let me"? What are you
talking about, "let me"?
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00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:01,760
Right, Dermot!
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00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:02,800
Got to go.
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00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,280
Oh, good evening, ladies.
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00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:07,520
Oh, party's over.
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00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,720
Hello, Agnes! Ready to go?Yes.
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00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,200
Would you like a drink, Hidly?
138
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,120
Er, no, thank you, Agnes.
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00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,920
I'll have a little sherry
when we get to the theatre.
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00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,320
That's a lovely dress.
141
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,000
What brand is it? Clearance?
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00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:24,080
Oh! Agnes, you're so funny.
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00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:25,800
Aren't I.
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00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:30,160
You can't imagine how I pondered
over which shoes to wear with it.
145
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,160
And you can't imagine how
little I buckin' care.
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00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,480
So funny. Right, let's go.
147
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,360
Dermot, you are going
to love this play.
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00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:39,720
Yeah, I can't wait.
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00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,160
And it's all in Latin.
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00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,480
See ya, Ma.
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00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,040
Hail Caesar.
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00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,480
I'm giving up the bed and breakfast.
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00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,480
Ah, no. Yeah, I think I'd
like something more permanent.
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00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,400
I'm going to change me
advert to "lodger wanted".
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00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,680
What if some weirdo answers it?
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00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:57,960
Pfft. He'll fit in
nicely with Grandad.
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00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,480
Have you seen this man?
158
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,120
Is that a dating app?
159
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,520
Send me that photo.
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00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,400
This is an escaped criminal.
Very dangerous.
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00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,960
Really? Show me again.
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00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,360
Yeah, send me that.
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00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,880
Look at this.
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00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,320
Is that your sister?
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00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:17,840
Do you know this man?
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00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:20,280
Yeah, that's Slasher Sam.
He's in prison.
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00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,560
Not tonight he's not.
If you see him, call the Guards.
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HE CHUCKLES
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00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,200
Yeah, right!
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00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,920
Hey!
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00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,240
Yeah, right.
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00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,760
Tell your sister I said hello.
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00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,480
I've cleaned that room
after your guest.
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00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:38,760
I washed the sheets
and the pillowcases,
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00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,680
and you didn't lift
a finger to help.
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00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,320
I'm sorry, Cathy.
A finger you wanted? Sorry.
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00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,040
You never fail to
disappoint me, Mammy.
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00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:51,120
Calm down, Cathy. Nobody could
live up to your standards.
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00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,520
You could try.
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00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,480
Hey, Cathy.
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00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,760
Don't you start.
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00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,040
Hello, all.
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00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,240
Hello, son. What's going on there?
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00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,600
Ah, who buckin' knows? It's Cathy.
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00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,440
May I ask a favour, Ma?
186
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,080
You can ask.
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00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,920
I have to go back up
to Betty in Donegal.
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00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,800
She's not talking to me.
We had a fight this morning.
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00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:13,960
On the phone?
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00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,080
Yeah. I didn't say "sweetheart"
before I hung up.
191
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,320
Oh, my God!
192
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,840
Anyway, Ma, would you mind
looking after Bono again?
193
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,040
Just for one night.
194
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,160
Of course.
Ah, that's great.
195
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,240
I've a spare room at the moment.
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00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,800
For now.
197
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,720
Thanks, Ma. See yous later.
See you, love.
198
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,040
See you, Cathy!
See you later, Mark!
199
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,320
Cathy! Change the sheet and
pillowcases on the spare bed!
200
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,840
Bono's staying tonight!
201
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,240
Already done.
What am I, the new skivvy?
202
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,640
"Skivvy"? That's a bit strong.
203
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,720
Yeah, a bit strong. Yeah.
204
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,040
Housemaid, that's nicer.
205
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,560
You're the new housemaid.
206
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,080
I'm going over to Sharon
for a bit of peace.
207
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,840
Right, you two, come on.
See you down at Foley's.
208
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,440
Oh, OK. See you later, pet.
209
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:04,760
See you later, love.
210
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,720
You know, it'll be nice to have
Bono with me just for the night.
211
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,240
How are you, Grandad?
212
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,840
Me neck is a bit sore.
213
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,040
Me knees are killing me.
214
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,200
Too long an answer.
Eh-eh. Thank you for playing.
215
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,280
Ugh.
216
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,880
Are you here, Granny?
217
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,600
In here, Bono!
How's me favourite granny?
218
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,400
Ha-ha. That's going to cost me.
219
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:26,800
THEY CHUCKLE
220
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,560
No. God, Bono,
look at the state of you.
221
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,840
Yeah, well, the good news is we won.
222
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,960
Well, the losers must look shite.
223
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,960
So, how's your Donegal granny?
224
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,160
Ah, still fighting.
225
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,040
Oh, she always was a scrapper.
226
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,520
I remember Mark and Betty's wedding.
227
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,000
She went full Bruce Lee.
228
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,880
She made shit of the ice sculpture.
229
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,840
Granny, can I ask you a wee favour?
230
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,040
How much?
231
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,480
Not money.
232
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,320
I want you to meet me girlfriend.
233
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,920
If we want to have
a future together,
234
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,440
I'd like you two to get along.
235
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,280
You're a young man. You should be
out there playing the field,
236
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,360
meeting other young girls.
237
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,120
But I only want to be with Tallulah.
238
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,680
Seriously?
239
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,240
Ta-fuckin'-llulah?
240
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,360
How long have yous been courtin'?
241
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,040
What's that?
242
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,840
Neckin', you know, neckin'.
243
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:22,880
Smoochin'.
244
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,200
Lickin' lips, suckin' face.
245
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,080
Which inevitably leads
to rubbin' the relic.
246
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,720
Two months, but I've
known her a lot longer.
247
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,440
Oh, God, yous are nearly married.
248
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,640
I've told her I love her.
249
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,000
Ya gobshite.
250
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,520
Bono, I'll give you
the same advice that
251
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,640
I gave to my own sons about love.
252
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,360
Don't be silly.
253
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,560
Put a condom on your willy!
254
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,800
Shut up!
255
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,600
Bono is not at that stage.
256
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,800
He's far too young, far too young.
257
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,160
He's not doing that.
258
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,040
Bono, jump in here
any time you like.
259
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,360
I'm not, Granny. Ah.
260
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,320
But...she is a bit older than me.
261
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,000
AUDIENCE GASP
262
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,960
Define "older".
263
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,080
23.
264
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:16,720
AUDIENCE GASP
265
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,080
That's not a young girl -
that's a grown-arse woman.
266
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,920
Yeah, I know.
And she's really smart, Granny.
267
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,400
Yeah, I'm not surprised,
she's had plenty of life experience.
268
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,600
She actually reminds me of you.
269
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,600
Good-lookin', is she?
270
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,240
Shut up!
271
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,280
Ahem.
272
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:44,720
Well, she's really important to me.
Will you just meet her?
273
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,520
All right, bring her round tonight.
274
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,440
Thanks, Granny.
275
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:49,960
But, Bono...
276
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,000
..YOU'RE really important to ME.
277
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,840
I won't pull me punches.
If I don't like her, I'll tell you.
278
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,520
I wish my son had've listened to me.
279
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,080
Just remember, if he did,
you'd be fuckin' homeless.
280
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,560
You're sure this is
the cheapest wine?
281
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,400
One step up from turpentine.
282
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,920
There we go.
283
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,120
The attack happened in the village,
Doctor, not 30 minutes ago.
284
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,600
He didn't actually hurt you, did he?
285
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,760
I'm emotionally scarred, Doctor.
286
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,480
Oh, are you sure this is a merlot?
287
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,200
Th-that's what I asked for.
288
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,880
Er... You must've gotten
a terrible fright.
289
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,960
Whole life flashed before my eyes.
I might never recover.
290
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,680
Because it smells like a Bordeaux.
291
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,840
Oh, you're in shock.
292
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,320
True, Doctor, I am, I am.
293
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,640
Mm.
294
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,040
We need to warn everybody.
We should alert the media.
295
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,080
No, it's a Shiraz.
296
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:54,080
Maybe we should leave this
to the police to handle.
297
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,680
You don't want to cause a panic.
298
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:56,720
Don't I?
299
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,600
What's up with Hilliary?
300
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,640
Some fella gave her
a fright down the village.
301
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,840
Maria said it was the mad bastard.
302
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:05,920
Who?
303
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,400
Maria. Dermot's wife.
304
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,200
I know who Maria is!
Who's the mad bastard, you dope?
305
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:15,000
The fella who escaped from
the prison van, you dope.
306
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,280
What's he on about?
307
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,760
It's all over the news, Mark.
308
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,400
The Guards, the Army,
everybody's searching for him.
309
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,200
Guards, Army...
310
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,240
..searching.
311
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,440
Dope.
312
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,040
HE GROANS
DOORBELL RINGS
313
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,720
SHE SINGS
314
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,720
Oh, for feck's sake.
315
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,120
Hi, Damien.
Hey, Trev. Ready to hit a few balls?
316
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,400
I could do that from here.
317
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,800
Mammy, stop.
318
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,800
I'm ready, Damien. Let's go.Right.
319
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,360
Oh, Mrs Brown, the local brass
band will be collecting today.
320
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,440
Be as generous as you can.
They do amazing...
321
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,440
Who was that? Penis Williams.
322
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,080
Who?!
323
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,240
Oh, it doesn't matter.
324
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,200
DOORBELL RINGS
Now what did he feckin' forget?
325
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,000
Now what do you want?
326
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,600
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
327
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,320
AUDIENCE GASP
328
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:23,120
Er, you must be here about the room?
329
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,320
What?
330
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,480
Yeah.
331
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,080
Yeah, that's right.
We're here about the room, yeah.
332
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,320
Well, there's...there's only one
room. How many of you are there?
333
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,840
Just us.
334
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,240
Who's this?
335
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,560
Oh, he's nobody.
Huh?
336
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,000
I must warn you that the room
is not available tonight.
337
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,320
It won't be available till tomorrow.
338
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,680
Eh? What? Yeah, to...
Tomorrow's fine, that's good, yeah.
339
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,600
Yeah. Would you like
to see the room?
340
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,360
No, no, we don't want
to disturb anybody.
341
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,560
Oh, you're not disturbing anyone.
I'm here on my own,
342
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,240
except for that pile of shite there.
343
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,640
HE GRUNTS
344
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:57,800
Where's the man of the house?
345
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,320
Oh... Glasnevin Cemetery.
346
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,080
Gravedigger? Corpse.
347
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,840
Good. I mean...sorry for your loss.
348
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,600
Right, show us our room.
349
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,920
You all right, Mammy?Ah, I'm
worried about Agnes, you know?
350
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,000
It's not like her to
miss all of this.
351
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,000
Yeah, and Cathy said
she'd be here too.
352
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,400
Yeah, you know, I'm going to
pop back to her house and see
353
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,880
if they're all right.
354
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,200
Hello!
355
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,200
HE SHRIEKS
356
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,040
May I have your attention, please?
357
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,520
What's going on here?
358
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,920
Hilliary must be drunk again.
359
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,320
Please, everyone, listen to Mother.
360
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,520
Oh, Dermo, it looks like your
missus and her mother
361
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,520
are on the chateau collapso.
362
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,560
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
there is a weirdo in our community.
363
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,520
Yeah, and she's
wearing a lilac shirt.
364
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,240
And drinking cheap wine!
365
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,400
Sh!
366
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,880
Well, that's about
all I can show you.
367
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,480
We do have a downstairs toilet,
but that's for family only.
368
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:04,960
So, what do you think?
369
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,000
We like it. We like it a lot.
370
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,040
Oh... If you're looking for the
tennis court that's in the advert,
371
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,520
that was a misprint.
372
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,600
So we've got the place
to ourselves, then, yeah?
373
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,320
I'm not that kind of girl.
374
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,160
The room's available by the night,
not by the hour.
375
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,800
Spacious, practical,
somewhat roomy, tidy.
376
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,840
Are you OK?
377
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,560
Thanks for asking.
I certainly am not.
378
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,560
Now, where do you keep your weapons?
379
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,000
I don't have any weapons.
380
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,840
Oh, do you hear that? She says
she doesn't have any weapons.
381
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,960
I know, I heard her, do it!
382
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,520
Really? Yes. Uh-oh! Ooh!
383
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,080
Who are you fuckin' talking to?
384
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,760
AUDIENCE GASP
385
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,040
Oh...
386
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,520
Right, that's about it now.
You have to go now.
387
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,360
Oh, OK.
388
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:11,920
OK. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
389
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:13,360
I'm going nowhere!
390
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,280
AUDIENCE GASP
391
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,640
Who's shouting, Mammy?
392
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:17,760
Cathy, call the police.
393
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:19,920
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
394
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,360
Is that a gun, Mammy?
395
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,560
No, Cathy, it's a
fuckin' cheese grater.
396
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,280
And I'm doing jazz hands.
397
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,120
We must do something as a community.
398
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,640
Well, where's Mrs Brown?
399
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,920
She's not here.
400
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,000
Agnes must be included.
I'll fetch her.
401
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,760
Volunteers for the posse
meet back here in one hour.
402
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,640
Bring a torch and light refreshment.
403
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,920
OK, everyone,
please finish your drinks
404
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,680
and return to your
homes immediately.
405
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:52,720
MURMURING
406
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:54,760
Hey, hey! Stop scaring my customers.
407
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,320
What's all that about?
408
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,600
Sharon was saying some fella
was being transported to
409
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,040
ultra-high security.
410
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,640
It has to be Slasher Sam.
411
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,920
The cops were in here showing
pictures of him yesterday.
412
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,520
Right, listen,
I'm heading to Donegal to try
413
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,080
and smooth over this domestic.
414
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,560
See you later.Good luck with that.
415
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,520
I hate having rows with girlfriends.
416
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,960
Really, Buster? What's the longest
you've ever had a lover's tiff?
417
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,440
11 days.
418
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,000
And then she deflated.
419
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,480
Seriously, though, yeah, she did.
420
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:29,600
This is not a laughing matter.
421
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,880
Ah, relax, Maria. Take a chill pill.
422
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,840
If this animal is not brought
to justice, we're all in peril!
423
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,760
Maria, Dublin's a big place.
424
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,480
What makes you think
he'd come to Finglas?
425
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:40,920
Because Mother saw him!
426
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,240
Really? Where?
427
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,680
She was walking down
the alley near the bank and...
428
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:47,800
..this man appeared out of the
darkness right in front of her!
429
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,600
Oh, my God!
He must've been terrified!
430
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,480
It's only me, Agnes, love!
431
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,080
Shhhh! Don't point the gun,
it's not nice!
432
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,480
Shut up! I know what I'm doing!
433
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,960
You! Call her!
434
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,880
Winnie! Run! Run!
435
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,240
We were worried about you, Agnes,
not turning up in Foley's.
436
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,360
Ah...
437
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,360
Hello, who are you now?
438
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:30,480
I'm the man who's going to kill you
if you don't do exactly what I say.
439
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,320
Jesus, that's a long name!
440
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,120
I'm with him, sorry.
Shut up! Sit down!
441
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,000
Jesus, Mary and holy Saint Joseph,
442
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,840
and the donkey that carried
them all to Bethlehem!
443
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,320
Well, I'm not joining any posse.
444
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,680
Damien, do you want
to go to the movies?
445
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,560
Yeah, let's do that,
but let's pick the right one.
446
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,600
That one you picked the
last time was so sad,
447
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,800
I cried all the way home.
448
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,200
It was Barbie.
449
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,480
I know.
450
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,080
I'm heading up to Mammy's
if you want a lift.
451
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,760
Oh, great.
I want to drop my bag off.
452
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,760
And, Damien, you can
get changed if you want to.
453
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,760
No, I'm grand as I am.
454
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,360
DOORBELL RINGS
455
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,960
Ohhh... Uh-oh.
Oh, there's somebody at the door.
456
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,760
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
I know, I heard it! Shut up!
457
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:33,000
Oh, I know - why don't you get
the ugly one to answer the door?
458
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,200
Winnie, you're up!
459
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,880
You, answer the door!
460
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,360
Feckin'...
461
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,440
Nothing wrong with
his eyesight anyway.
462
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,560
Bono, you said you
were bringing Tallulah.
463
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,920
Ah, she couldn't make it.
464
00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,400
Bono, this is not a good time.
465
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,040
Why don't you come back a bit later?
466
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,960
You, hands up.
467
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,800
What the hell?
468
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,480
Excuse me, this is my lad.
469
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,680
If you want him,
you'll have to go through me.
470
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:10,880
AUDIENCE: Aww.
471
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,320
I'll shoot.
472
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,000
You're on your own, son.
473
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,200
Is this really happening?
474
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,080
Un-buckin'-believable.
475
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:28,720
Hostages.
476
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,600
In my own house.
477
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,960
She's sittin' in my buckin' chair.
478
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,080
Mammy, will you shut up
about the chair?
479
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,680
I never sit here.
480
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,880
We have more important
things to be worrying about!
481
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,960
Have you ever been held
hostage before, Hilliary?
482
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,440
Don't be ridiculous.
483
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,440
I didn't grow up in Finglas.
484
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,520
AUDIENCE GASP
485
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,320
I hope he shoots her first.
486
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,680
If I get the gun,
I'll buckin' shoot her meself.
487
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,640
DOORBELL RINGS
488
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,640
Shhh! Someone's coming.
489
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,680
You, ugly, door!
490
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,800
For fuck's sake.
491
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,320
Quick question, Mr Slasher.
492
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:27,120
When I return, can we review
the seating arrangements?
493
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,640
Move it! Move it!
494
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,640
DOORBELL RINGS
495
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,360
What is this place?
The community centre?!
496
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,200
Hello. I'm collecting
for the local brass band.
497
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,520
Two, three, four!
498
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:39,680
MUSIC: William Tell Overture
499
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,080
Oh, Jesus...
500
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,120
AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
501
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,680
Winnie. Psst.
502
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,520
No, thanks, Agnes.
I went before I left Foley's.
503
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,760
Offer the man a cup of tea.
504
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,040
Why?
505
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,960
Because when he thinks you're
still in the kitchen...Yeah.
506
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,000
..I'll distract him.
507
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,680
Good idea, Agnes.
508
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,600
What are you two talking about?
509
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,640
Would... Would you...
Would you like a cup of tea?
510
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,760
No.
511
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,120
Please? I said no!
512
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,760
Well, I guess that's that, then,
Agnes.
513
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,320
I could kill a coffee, though.
514
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,160
It's tea or take a hike... Winnie!
515
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600
Get the man a cup of coffee.
516
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:39,800
Do you want one, Agnes?
517
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,440
No!
518
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:42,760
Anyone else for tea or...?
519
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,000
Winnie, get the man a coffee,
he's parched!
520
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,680
Come on. Move it.
521
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:56,200
Slasher, with all this running
around, you must be exhausted.
522
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,640
Yeah, I am a bit tired, yeah.
523
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,520
Come over here and
take the weight off.
524
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,040
Come on. Have a seat there.
525
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,480
Are you sure you're not
going to try anything?
526
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:05,960
Oh, not at all.
527
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,960
Get up.
528
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,560
So, tell us a little
bit about yourself.
529
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,120
Well...
530
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,440
Nothing to tell, really.
531
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,920
Do you take sugar?
532
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,080
Winnie! Just go!
533
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,560
Go? Go where? Where's she going?
534
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:26,640
She's going to the kettle, you know,
to get your coffee. Remember?
535
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,240
Any chance of a quick cuppa, Ma?
536
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,520
No, you stay where you are.
537
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:31,880
What's going on, Ma?
538
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,880
Do you mean the man with
the gun or the brass band?
539
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,000
He's holding us hostage!
540
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,920
Stop the lights.
541
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,840
Is that Slasher Byrne?
542
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,840
Birdie Flanagan?
543
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,760
I haven't seen ya in years.
544
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,000
AUDIENCE:Oooh!
545
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,480
You're looking well.
546
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:53,480
Thanks.
547
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:54,520
Pilates.
548
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,360
I do the Zumba meself. Ah.
549
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:02,360
I'm sorry to interrupt
your romantic reunion,
550
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,560
but how do you two know each other?
551
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,280
We dated back in the day, Agnes.
552
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,520
Yeah, a long time ago.
553
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,760
Good times, though. I can't seem to
remember why we broke up.
554
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:14,840
You cheated on me!
555
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,160
AUDIENCE GASP
556
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:18,720
Yeah, that sounds like me.
557
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,480
With my brother.
558
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,880
AUDIENCE GASP
559
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,440
Yep.
560
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,560
It's all coming back now.
561
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:28,920
Where would you like me?
562
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,200
Get on the couch.
563
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:32,960
AUDIENCE:Oooh!
564
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,080
How is everyone?
565
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:35,440
Terrified.
566
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,320
Well, there's no need to be, Cathy,
because it'll be over soon.
567
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:39,880
Oh, yeah? How do you know?
568
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:44,320
Because, oddball, as we speak,
my friend Winnie is informing
569
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,480
the authorities of your whereabouts.
570
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,000
You said she was making coffee.
571
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,520
That was just a clever rouse,
just to distract you.
572
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,200
One cup of coffee.
573
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:03,800
Shoot her! Shoot her!
574
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:06,720
Anyone here?
575
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,200
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
576
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,680
No!
577
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,920
Hello, all.
578
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,120
How are you, Slasher Sam?
579
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:15,120
Oh, hi, Buster. How are you?
580
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,400
Don't talk to him. Sorry.
OK. Uh-oh.
581
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,480
What's going on?
582
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:21,760
We're being held hostage.
583
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,840
Yeah, I've got a gun.
584
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,400
That's not a real gun.
That's a water pistol.
585
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,160
It's a gun, you little shit.
586
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:29,680
Water pistol. Gun!
587
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,600
Water pistol. Gun!
588
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,320
Prove it.
589
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:37,240
AUDIENCE GASP
590
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:37,240
Go on. Prove it.
591
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:38,920
Yeah, go on.
592
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:40,320
OK.
593
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,480
Yeah, that's a gun.
594
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,720
Hey, that's my da!
595
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:47,760
Ugh!
596
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,440
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
597
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,160
Party's over, buddy!
598
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,240
You're going upriver.
599
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:55,760
I always wanted to say that.
600
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,240
Good man, Buster.
601
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:02,760
Argh!
602
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:07,920
You're lucky the police came.
603
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:09,400
I was going to give it to ya.
604
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:16,680
Do you want a cup of tea, love?
605
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:17,960
No, thanks.
606
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,440
That was a hell of a day.
607
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:20,640
I'm going to bed.
608
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,560
Just promise me - no more
room for rent?
609
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,760
This is not a B&B, Mammy.
610
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,760
It's our home.
611
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,200
I promise.
612
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:32,600
Goodnight, love.
613
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,480
You know, Cathy's right.
That was a hell of a day.
614
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,520
Maybe just a few minutes more.
615
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,040
HE MOANS
616
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:53,000
You know, as I looked around
that room, I realised something.
617
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,040
I was surrounded, you know,
by family and friends and Hidily.
618
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,920
And I realised that's
really what's important.
619
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:06,320
So it's a new year - plenty to
look forward to, family visits,
620
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:08,680
a few drinks with friends,
621
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,720
and maybe even a feckin' funeral!
622
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,360
SHE LAUGHS
623
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,880
Goodnight.
624
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:17,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
625
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,520
MUSIC: Auld Lang Syne
626
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:48,040
Goodnight! Happy New Year!
627
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,360
SHE LAUGHS
628
00:28:54,410 --> 00:28:58,960
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