Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

APPLAUSE

She's Mrs Brown

Agnes

That's Mrs Brown

Agnes

Our Mrs Brown.

Hello!

Oh, sad news - Rory is not coming back from Wuhan.

AUDIENCE:Aww.

I know.

SHE SNIFFS

Every time I pass his bedroom, I cry.

It breaks my heart to look in there and see that...

..mirror on the ceiling covered in dust.

So I've decided to rent out his room, you know, bed and breakfast.

I have somebody up there at the moment, Mr Yoshimoto.

He's Japanese.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm just going through the paper here and going through the ads.

Is it me or...

..or are ads getting more stupid?

Listen to this one.

"Person wanted for home care.

"Must have own hula hoop and be good with falcons."

Oh here's my one.

SHE CHUCKLES

"Double room available with views of the ancient west."

Finglas West.

"Contact Agnes Brown, 92 James Larkin Court, Finglas."

Why aren't you dressed?

Your lodger used all the hot water.

Mr Yoshimoto is not a lodger, Cathy, he's our guest.

Guests don't pay money to stay in your house, Mammy.

Neither do you.

You want tea?No, I'm going over to Sharon's for a shower,

seeing as I can't have one here.

Well, be quick about it. I need help turning that

room around for the next guest.

Ah, you haven't got another booking, have you?

Not yet, but that should change things.

Oh, and by the way, if I get a double booking,

you're going to have to vacate your room.

You'll have to sleep in with me.

SHE SNORES AND GROANS

"Oh, Cathy, Cathy! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!"

I'd rather sleep in the garden shed.

If you like.Whatever.

Hmm.

Mr Yoshimoto's been here for two nights.

He's as quiet as a mouse. You wouldn't even know he was here.

DOOR CLOSES

That's him up now.

Mr Yoshimoto?! It's eight o'clock!

Is he gone yet? No.

HE WHIMPERS

As you can see, my entry into the hospitality sector...

..well, has not been welcomed by all the residents.

I don't know why.

Mr Yoshimoto's a lovely man.

Doesn't speak a word of English.

Good morning, Mrs Brown!

Jesus! You frightened the shyness out of me.

Er, good morning, Mr Yoshimoto.

Good morning, Ma! Good morning, son.

Er, who's this?

Oh, er, boys, this is Mr Yoshimoto.

Yoshimoto! Tokyo!

Hai!

Buster Brady! Finglas!

Hi!

Mr Yoshimoto is from the land of the rising sun.

Ah, Tipperary.

Japan, Buster.

Oh!

Bonjour!

Konnichiwa.

Bless you.

He could do that all day, you know.

Is the guest house thing going well for you, Ma?

Well, I've only had one booking so far,

but I think that might change things.

I wouldn't be putting your address on it, Ma.

Dermot, if I don't put me address, how will people know where I live?

You just put your phone number down.

That way when they ring to book, you get an idea who you're dealing with.

Lot of weirdos out there, Ma.

Mm. Lot of weirdos in here, son.

How do you turn this fella off?

Mr Yoshimoto? Hai.

Is that you away home now?

Yes.

I...pay.

Oh, thank you very much.

Sayonara. Sa... Sayonara.

No, one is plenty, one is plenty.

What a lovely man.

Heh. What's he even doing in Finglas?

Setting up the plot for this episode, really.

That was quick.

Winnie doesn't have any hot water, either.

Hello, Cathy.

Goodbye, Cathy.

She's not happy about me renting out Rory's room.

I think it's brilliant. Easy money, Ma.

That's what I say, son.

Mwah. Sayonara. Heh-heh!

Fuckin' yen?

How's Betty's mother getting on?

SHE MUMBLES

Is that serious?

SHE MUMBLES

I'm going home if you two are going to talk in code.

Dermo, I'm really enjoying this week off work.

Yeah? Well, make the most of it.

As soon as the New Year sales start, we'll be busy.

People will be buying everything - new clothes, smartphones,

computer games, booking summer holidays in Spain

or weekends in Paris.

Oh, nice one.

Oh, yeah. Busy, busy, busy.

What will we be promoting?

Flaherty's Mouth Organ Repairs.

Oh, right. Busy, busy, busy.

Don't knock it, Buster. Where would you go with a broken mouth organ?

The dump.

Sharon?

Will Maria let you have another one?

"Let me"? What are you talking about, "let me"?

Right, Dermot!

Got to go.

Oh, good evening, ladies.

Oh, party's over.

Hello, Agnes! Ready to go?Yes.

Would you like a drink, Hidly?

Er, no, thank you, Agnes.

I'll have a little sherry when we get to the theatre.

That's a lovely dress.

What brand is it? Clearance?

Oh! Agnes, you're so funny.

Aren't I.

You can't imagine how I pondered over which shoes to wear with it.

And you can't imagine how little I buckin' care.

So funny. Right, let's go.

Dermot, you are going to love this play.

Yeah, I can't wait.

And it's all in Latin.

See ya, Ma.

Hail Caesar.

I'm giving up the bed and breakfast.

Ah, no. Yeah, I think I'd like something more permanent.

I'm going to change me advert to "lodger wanted".

What if some weirdo answers it?

Pfft. He'll fit in nicely with Grandad.

Have you seen this man?

Is that a dating app?

Send me that photo.

This is an escaped criminal. Very dangerous.

Really? Show me again.

Yeah, send me that.

Look at this.

Is that your sister?

Do you know this man?

Yeah, that's Slasher Sam. He's in prison.

Not tonight he's not. If you see him, call the Guards.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah, right!

Hey!

Yeah, right.

Tell your sister I said hello.

I've cleaned that room after your guest.

I washed the sheets and the pillowcases,

and you didn't lift a finger to help.

I'm sorry, Cathy. A finger you wanted? Sorry.

You never fail to disappoint me, Mammy.

Calm down, Cathy. Nobody could live up to your standards.

You could try.

Hey, Cathy.

Don't you start.

Hello, all.

Hello, son. What's going on there?

Ah, who buckin' knows? It's Cathy.

May I ask a favour, Ma?

You can ask.

I have to go back up to Betty in Donegal.

She's not talking to me. We had a fight this morning.

On the phone?

Yeah. I didn't say "sweetheart" before I hung up.

Oh, my God!

Anyway, Ma, would you mind looking after Bono again?

Just for one night.

Of course. Ah, that's great.

I've a spare room at the moment.

For now.

Thanks, Ma. See yous later. See you, love.

See you, Cathy! See you later, Mark!

Cathy! Change the sheet and pillowcases on the spare bed!

Bono's staying tonight!

Already done. What am I, the new skivvy?

"Skivvy"? That's a bit strong.

Yeah, a bit strong. Yeah.

Housemaid, that's nicer.

You're the new housemaid.

I'm going over to Sharon for a bit of peace.

Right, you two, come on. See you down at Foley's.

Oh, OK. See you later, pet.

See you later, love.

You know, it'll be nice to have Bono with me just for the night.

How are you, Grandad?

Me neck is a bit sore.

Me knees are killing me.

Too long an answer. Eh-eh. Thank you for playing.

Ugh.

Are you here, Granny?

In here, Bono! How's me favourite granny?

Ha-ha. That's going to cost me.

THEY CHUCKLE

No. God, Bono, look at the state of you.

Yeah, well, the good news is we won.

Well, the losers must look shite.

So, how's your Donegal granny?

Ah, still fighting.

Oh, she always was a scrapper.

I remember Mark and Betty's wedding.

She went full Bruce Lee.

She made shit of the ice sculpture.

Granny, can I ask you a wee favour?

How much?

Not money.

I want you to meet me girlfriend.

If we want to have a future together,

I'd like you two to get along.

You're a young man. You should be out there playing the field,

meeting other young girls.

But I only want to be with Tallulah.

Seriously?

Ta-fuckin'-llulah?

How long have yous been courtin'?

What's that?

Neckin', you know, neckin'.

Smoochin'.

Lickin' lips, suckin' face.

Which inevitably leads to rubbin' the relic.

Two months, but I've known her a lot longer.

Oh, God, yous are nearly married.

I've told her I love her.

Ya gobshite.

Bono, I'll give you the same advice that

I gave to my own sons about love.

Don't be silly.

Put a condom on your willy!

Shut up!

Bono is not at that stage.

He's far too young, far too young.

He's not doing that.

Bono, jump in here any time you like.

I'm not, Granny. Ah.

But...she is a bit older than me.

AUDIENCE GASP

Define "older".

23.

AUDIENCE GASP

That's not a young girl - that's a grown-arse woman.

Yeah, I know. And she's really smart, Granny.

Yeah, I'm not surprised, she's had plenty of life experience.

She actually reminds me of you.

Good-lookin', is she?

Shut up!

Ahem.

Well, she's really important to me. Will you just meet her?

All right, bring her round tonight.

Thanks, Granny.

But, Bono...

..YOU'RE really important to ME.

I won't pull me punches. If I don't like her, I'll tell you.

I wish my son had've listened to me.

Just remember, if he did, you'd be fuckin' homeless.

You're sure this is the cheapest wine?

One step up from turpentine.

There we go.

The attack happened in the village, Doctor, not 30 minutes ago.

He didn't actually hurt you, did he?

I'm emotionally scarred, Doctor.

Oh, are you sure this is a merlot?

Th-that's what I asked for.

Er... You must've gotten a terrible fright.

Whole life flashed before my eyes. I might never recover.

Because it smells like a Bordeaux.

Oh, you're in shock.

True, Doctor, I am, I am.

Mm.

We need to warn everybody. We should alert the media.

No, it's a Shiraz.

Maybe we should leave this to the police to handle.

You don't want to cause a panic.

Don't I?

What's up with Hilliary?

Some fella gave her a fright down the village.

Maria said it was the mad bastard.

Who?

Maria. Dermot's wife.

I know who Maria is! Who's the mad bastard, you dope?

The fella who escaped from the prison van, you dope.

What's he on about?

It's all over the news, Mark.

The Guards, the Army, everybody's searching for him.

Guards, Army...

..searching.

Dope.

HE GROANS DOORBELL RINGS

SHE SINGS

Oh, for feck's sake.

Hi, Damien. Hey, Trev. Ready to hit a few balls?

I could do that from here.

Mammy, stop.

I'm ready, Damien. Let's go.Right.

Oh, Mrs Brown, the local brass band will be collecting today.

Be as generous as you can. They do amazing...

Who was that? Penis Williams.

Who?!

Oh, it doesn't matter.

DOORBELL RINGS Now what did he feckin' forget?

Now what do you want?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

AUDIENCE GASP

Er, you must be here about the room?

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. We're here about the room, yeah.

Well, there's...there's only one room. How many of you are there?

Just us.

Who's this?

Oh, he's nobody. Huh?

I must warn you that the room is not available tonight.

It won't be available till tomorrow.

Eh? What? Yeah, to... Tomorrow's fine, that's good, yeah.

Yeah. Would you like to see the room?

No, no, we don't want to disturb anybody.

Oh, you're not disturbing anyone. I'm here on my own,

except for that pile of shite there.

HE GRUNTS

Where's the man of the house?

Oh... Glasnevin Cemetery.

Gravedigger? Corpse.

Good. I mean...sorry for your loss.

Right, show us our room.

You all right, Mammy?Ah, I'm worried about Agnes, you know?

It's not like her to miss all of this.

Yeah, and Cathy said she'd be here too.

Yeah, you know, I'm going to pop back to her house and see

if they're all right.

Hello!

HE SHRIEKS

May I have your attention, please?

What's going on here?

Hilliary must be drunk again.

Please, everyone, listen to Mother.

Oh, Dermo, it looks like your missus and her mother

are on the chateau collapso.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, there is a weirdo in our community.

Yeah, and she's wearing a lilac shirt.

And drinking cheap wine!

Sh!

Well, that's about all I can show you.

We do have a downstairs toilet, but that's for family only.

So, what do you think?

We like it. We like it a lot.

Oh... If you're looking for the tennis court that's in the advert,

that was a misprint.

So we've got the place to ourselves, then, yeah?

I'm not that kind of girl.

The room's available by the night, not by the hour.

Spacious, practical, somewhat roomy, tidy.

Are you OK?

Thanks for asking. I certainly am not.

Now, where do you keep your weapons?

I don't have any weapons.

Oh, do you hear that? She says she doesn't have any weapons.

I know, I heard her, do it!

Really? Yes. Uh-oh! Ooh!

Who are you fuckin' talking to?

AUDIENCE GASP

Oh...

Right, that's about it now. You have to go now.

Oh, OK.

OK. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I'm going nowhere!

AUDIENCE GASP

Who's shouting, Mammy?

Cathy, call the police.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Is that a gun, Mammy?

No, Cathy, it's a fuckin' cheese grater.

And I'm doing jazz hands.

We must do something as a community.

Well, where's Mrs Brown?

She's not here.

Agnes must be included. I'll fetch her.

Volunteers for the posse meet back here in one hour.

Bring a torch and light refreshment.

OK, everyone, please finish your drinks

and return to your homes immediately.

MURMURING

Hey, hey! Stop scaring my customers.

What's all that about?

Sharon was saying some fella was being transported to

ultra-high security.

It has to be Slasher Sam.

The cops were in here showing pictures of him yesterday.

Right, listen, I'm heading to Donegal to try

and smooth over this domestic.

See you later.Good luck with that.

I hate having rows with girlfriends.

Really, Buster? What's the longest you've ever had a lover's tiff?

11 days.

And then she deflated.

Seriously, though, yeah, she did.

This is not a laughing matter.

Ah, relax, Maria. Take a chill pill.

If this animal is not brought to justice, we're all in peril!

Maria, Dublin's a big place.

What makes you think he'd come to Finglas?

Because Mother saw him!

Really? Where?

She was walking down the alley near the bank and...

..this man appeared out of the darkness right in front of her!

Oh, my God! He must've been terrified!

It's only me, Agnes, love!

Shhhh! Don't point the gun, it's not nice!

Shut up! I know what I'm doing!

You! Call her!

Winnie! Run! Run!

We were worried about you, Agnes, not turning up in Foley's.

Ah...

Hello, who are you now?

I'm the man who's going to kill you if you don't do exactly what I say.

Jesus, that's a long name!

I'm with him, sorry. Shut up! Sit down!

Jesus, Mary and holy Saint Joseph,

and the donkey that carried them all to Bethlehem!

Well, I'm not joining any posse.

Damien, do you want to go to the movies?

Yeah, let's do that, but let's pick the right one.

That one you picked the last time was so sad,

I cried all the way home.

It was Barbie.

I know.

I'm heading up to Mammy's if you want a lift.

Oh, great. I want to drop my bag off.

And, Damien, you can get changed if you want to.

No, I'm grand as I am.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ohhh... Uh-oh. Oh, there's somebody at the door.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I know, I heard it! Shut up!

Oh, I know - why don't you get the ugly one to answer the door?

Winnie, you're up!

You, answer the door!

Feckin'...

Nothing wrong with his eyesight anyway.

Bono, you said you were bringing Tallulah.

Ah, she couldn't make it.

Bono, this is not a good time.

Why don't you come back a bit later?

You, hands up.

What the hell?

Excuse me, this is my lad.

If you want him, you'll have to go through me.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

I'll shoot.

You're on your own, son.

Is this really happening?

Un-buckin'-believable.

Hostages.

In my own house.

She's sittin' in my buckin' chair.

Mammy, will you shut up about the chair?

I never sit here.

We have more important things to be worrying about!

Have you ever been held hostage before, Hilliary?

Don't be ridiculous.

I didn't grow up in Finglas.

AUDIENCE GASP

I hope he shoots her first.

If I get the gun, I'll buckin' shoot her meself.

DOORBELL RINGS

Shhh! Someone's coming.

You, ugly, door!

For fuck's sake.

Quick question, Mr Slasher.

When I return, can we review the seating arrangements?

Move it! Move it!

DOORBELL RINGS

What is this place? The community centre?!

Hello. I'm collecting for the local brass band.

Two, three, four!

MUSIC: William Tell Overture

Oh, Jesus...

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

Winnie. Psst.

No, thanks, Agnes. I went before I left Foley's.

Offer the man a cup of tea.

Why?

Because when he thinks you're still in the kitchen...Yeah.

..I'll distract him.

Good idea, Agnes.

What are you two talking about?

Would... Would you... Would you like a cup of tea?

No.

Please? I said no!

Well, I guess that's that, then, Agnes.

I could kill a coffee, though.

It's tea or take a hike... Winnie!

Get the man a cup of coffee.

Do you want one, Agnes?

No!

Anyone else for tea or...?

Winnie, get the man a coffee, he's parched!

Come on. Move it.

Slasher, with all this running around, you must be exhausted.

Yeah, I am a bit tired, yeah.

Come over here and take the weight off.

Come on. Have a seat there.

Are you sure you're not going to try anything?

Oh, not at all.

Get up.

So, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Well...

Nothing to tell, really.

Do you take sugar?

Winnie! Just go!

Go? Go where? Where's she going?

She's going to the kettle, you know, to get your coffee. Remember?

Any chance of a quick cuppa, Ma?

No, you stay where you are.

What's going on, Ma?

Do you mean the man with the gun or the brass band?

He's holding us hostage!

Stop the lights.

Is that Slasher Byrne?

Birdie Flanagan?

I haven't seen ya in years.

AUDIENCE:Oooh!

You're looking well.

Thanks.

Pilates.

I do the Zumba meself. Ah.

I'm sorry to interrupt your romantic reunion,

but how do you two know each other?

We dated back in the day, Agnes.

Yeah, a long time ago.

Good times, though. I can't seem to remember why we broke up.

You cheated on me!

AUDIENCE GASP

Yeah, that sounds like me.

With my brother.

AUDIENCE GASP

Yep.

It's all coming back now.

Where would you like me?

Get on the couch.

AUDIENCE:Oooh!

How is everyone?

Terrified.

Well, there's no need to be, Cathy, because it'll be over soon.

Oh, yeah? How do you know?

Because, oddball, as we speak, my friend Winnie is informing

the authorities of your whereabouts.

You said she was making coffee.

That was just a clever rouse, just to distract you.

One cup of coffee.

Shoot her! Shoot her!

Anyone here?

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

No!

Hello, all.

How are you, Slasher Sam?

Oh, hi, Buster. How are you?

Don't talk to him. Sorry. OK. Uh-oh.

What's going on?

We're being held hostage.

Yeah, I've got a gun.

That's not a real gun. That's a water pistol.

It's a gun, you little shit.

Water pistol. Gun!

Water pistol. Gun!

Prove it.

AUDIENCE GASP

Go on. Prove it.

Yeah, go on.

OK.

Yeah, that's a gun.

Hey, that's my da!

Ugh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Party's over, buddy!

You're going upriver.

I always wanted to say that.

Good man, Buster.

Argh!

You're lucky the police came.

I was going to give it to ya.

Do you want a cup of tea, love?

No, thanks.

That was a hell of a day.

I'm going to bed.

Just promise me - no more room for rent?

This is not a B&B, Mammy.

It's our home.

I promise.

Goodnight, love.

You know, Cathy's right. That was a hell of a day.

Maybe just a few minutes more.

HE MOANS

You know, as I looked around that room, I realised something.

I was surrounded, you know, by family and friends and Hidily.

And I realised that's really what's important.

So it's a new year - plenty to look forward to, family visits,

a few drinks with friends,

and maybe even a feckin' funeral!

SHE LAUGHS

Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Auld Lang Syne

Goodnight! Happy New Year!

SHE LAUGHS

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0