Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Who's that?

The Grim Reaper. Pack your bags, you're outta here.

I'm thirsty. I'm only in the door, give me a minute.

I'd like a large whiskey.

Yeah, and I'd like to gobble Dr Flynn but there you go.

Hello, Mrs Brown!

MIMICS TURKEY GOBBLING

Hello there.

It's bitterly cold outside, my God.

I've just been doing the last of me Christmas shopping.

You know I'm fed up getting the family gift cards

that they never use,

so this year I'm giving them all...

..books.

Oh, handsome!

They'll have seven days to read them. If not,

they get a fine from the library.

Just finished here. Oh... Good...

Will there be, er, anything else?

No.

Oh, before I forget,

Nollaig Shona Duit.

I can tell by your face that you're confused.

It's a little bit of Gaelic.

As the French would say, hmm, er, Joyeux Noel.

No?

Merry buckin' Christmas.

Mammy, you know how many people are homeless over the Christmas...

Including you?

I'm not homeless.

Yeah, we'll see.

Seriously, there has to be something we can do

to bring at least some Christmas joy to them.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,

now, not so quick with the "we", Cathy.

Look, it's a huge problem, but you and I aren't going to solve it.

But we could do something. Anything.

Well...

..there is a solution that...

Good talk!

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# Ding, dong, ding, dong

# With the kids jingle bellin'

# And everyone yellin'... #

BOTH: # You to be in good cheer

# It's the most wonderful time of the ye-e-e-e-e... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# ..e-e, e-e-e, e-e-e-e-ear! #

OK, Birdie, you got it.

Yes!

Fine pair of lungs on you.

So I've been told.

By the odd sailor.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Lovely singing voice too.

Hello?!

I swear, I will kill that man before the end of the year.

Ah, give him a break.

Thanks, Birdie.

# It's the most wonderful time of the year!

# And then...and the bells they are ringing

# And they're ding dong dinging

# And everybody's cheer!

# It's the most wonderful time

# Of the year!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Dr Flynn! Winnie's having a stroke!

I want to go for a lie down!

I'll take you up in a minute.

Stay where you are, Agnes, I'll bring him up.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS MURMUR

So how are the girlies?

All grown up and not calling themselves girlies any more.

Oh. Er, Birdie, Grandad's bedroom's...

Oh, yeah, straight up the stairs, to the right, yeah?

You want tea? I'd love one, Agnes.

Winnie, do you know, I'm missing a load of cardigans?

God knows you have enough of them, Agnes.

Not any more.

Hiya, Mammy, hiya, Winnie! Oh, Dermot.

CHEERING

Hello, Dermot, son!

Dermot, could you not have got something more festive to promote?

Believe it or not, Ma, 74% of people

get constipation over the Christmas.

I don't give a shit.

And neither do they.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, Buster! Hello, Mrs Brown.

Now, that's a big shi...!

No, Winnie, Winnie, no.

Buster, why are you wearing a disguise?

He has a date tonight.

He's afraid he'll bump into Maggie May down the shopping centre.

There's nothing wrong with being yourself, son.

I'll never get a nice girl.

AUDIENCE: Aww! Of course you will, son.

You'll meet a lovely woman one day.

Absolutely.

Oh, look, there's another flying pig.

So, Dermot, what's your pitch on this one?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

In the season of turkey and stuff

And your tummy is feeling quite rough

You sit on the loo Thinkin', "What can I do?"

If you just had a Wang it's enough.

Very good. Not yet!

Ready, Buster? Yeah.

Tummy not right? # Have a Wang! #

Get a bit crampy? # Have a Wang! #

Feeling bloated? # Have a Wa-a-ang!

# Everybody needs a Wang! #

You do!

We better go, Buster!

Here, he looks like he already went.

Don't mind them, Buster, you look great.

Here, Mrs Brown, you'll never guess what I have.

Er, herpes? Ha!

No, not this time.

I have your Christmas tree.

I'll alert the fire brigade and put the hospital on standby.

You're going to love it.

Yeah. Go, Buster, see you, Ma!

See you, love!

BIRDIE PANTS

Ah, Birdie, you look a bit breathless. Yes.

I don't think you realise how steep those stairs are, Agnes.

Yeah, that's it, the stairs...

Stee-e-p.

Yeah.

If money doesn't grow on trees...

..why do banks have branches?

Here we go.

And why do people say "come out of the cold"

when they mean "come in"?

And why do they call it a blow jo...?

Winnie, Winnie, stop.

Stop now.

Do you have any regrets, Agnes?

Yeah, this conversation.

Betty, has your mother improved at all?

No, I'm going to have to go up to Donegal, give my sisters a break.

She's in my prayers.

Penny for your thoughts, Trevor?

Have any of you any idea what this meeting Cathy's called for is about?

Cathy just said to meet at her house at 2:00 tomorrow.

She asked me if the parochial hall was available, I told her

the hall was the responsibility of the head of the parish committee.

Oh, dear. Why? Who's the head of the committee?

Mrs Nicholson.

Mrs Nicholson? Mrs Nicholson.

Did I hear my name?

Oh, God,

it's like Beetlejuice.

I thought you were going on a date with Maggie May tonight?

No, Maggie May cancelled the date.

Ah... AUDIENCE: Aww!

Sorry to hear that, Buster.

This your first date with her?

No, we went to the carnival last week.

Nice one.

That Tunnel Of Love was a joke -

the two of us just got soaked.

Was the boat leaking?

They have boats?

What can I get you, Mrs Nicholson? Er, port wine, please.

BUSTER CHUCKLES

Porcupine!

No, I said "port wine".

Don't mind him, love, he doesn't even know what a porcupine is.

I do. It's like a hedgehog,

only its pricks are about a foot long.

Pines. I believe they're called pines.

Yeah, that's right, pines.

Actually their pricks are only about that size... That's enough, Buster.

Hi, Birdie. Hiya.

Do you want a pint?

No, I'm not staying long, Agnes, I think I'm coming down with a cold.

Oh. Yeah, me throat was all raw.

Aww. Yeah. Ahhhhhhh!

Oh. OK, OK, Birdie!

We don't need proof, it's not CSI Finglas.

I think I'll have a hot whiskey.

My cousin says I need stronger glasses.

Is your cousin an optician?

No.

Sagittarius.

Hiya, Agnes. Hiya, Winnie.

Cup of tea, love?

Oh, no, love, I'm popping into town to do some shopping.

You're mad. Town is packed full of idiots.

I suppose one more won't make a difference.

Oh, sorry, I have a line there, don't I?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So "you're mad".

Oh, yeah, I'm REALLY fucking mad now.

And action.

You're mad. Town is packed full of idiots...

I suppose one more won't make a difference.

And so it begins.

So what begins?

Well, you always get cranky round Christmas-time, Agnes.

I do not! Do too.

Tell me again where you're going.

I'm going into town to do a bit of shopping.

How wonderful!

Oh, that will be lovely!

What'll be lovely? Winnie's shoppin' spree.

You're mad, town is packed.

Maria's bringing the triplets in to see Santa,

if she can get them out of the pub.

Oh, God, those were the days,

dragging the six of yous off to see Santa Claus.

I don't know how you done it, Mrs Brown, I'm exhausted

and I'm only rearing one kid.

Mm, well, being a parent isn't easy, Buster, is it?

Don't talk to me, Mrs Brown, I don't know what to be doing with Blister,

he seems to be always getting in trouble.

Well, you know, children learn from your example.

HE CHUCKLES That's a stupid idea.

I just wish he'd be more into sports, you know,

maybe a black belt like me.

You're not a black belt, Buster.

Well, maybe that's what I want you to think.

Here, Cathy, listen to this.

Winnie says I get a bit cranky at Christmas.

Have you ever heard such a load of shite?

Have you, have you?

You do, yeah. Told ya.

Feck off.

Dermot, be honest with me, do I get cranky at Christmas?

We have to go, Buster. Yep.

I have friends calling around later, Mammy,

so if you could make yourself and Grandad scarce, that'd be great.

Oh, you have friends?!

And why are they coming to my house?

Because I called a meeting.

Cathy, friends don't have meetings,

they gather casually together to talk freely.

Just like you and me, Agnes.

Winnie, do not interrupt me when I have the floor.

Mammy, just stay out of the sitting room, OK?

It's important.

Cheek.

AUDIENCE: Ohhhh...

SCOFFS: Get cranky.

I-I am Mrs Christmas.

I am jolly and merry.

Who are we talking about?

Me.

SHE CHUCKLES Right!

GRANDAD: I'm thirsty! Water!

He's supposed to be asleep!

Here, give it to me, Agnes, I'll take it up to him.

Agnes! Water!

YELLS: Your water's on the way!

Er, I mean,

the refreshment is in transit,

dearest Grandad.

I was talking to Agnes!

You know that Birdie, she's a martyr.

She's so kind to Grandad.

And it doesn't seem to bother her

going up and down those stairs, Agnes.

No, it doesn't - up and down, up and down.

RHYTHMIC CREAKING

What's that noise, Agnes?

Mother of Jesus!

Birdie and Grandad...

..doing...that!

I can't picture it, Agnes.

Well, it's well for you -

I can't get the picture out of me head!

In 3D.

SHE RETCHES

Birdie didn't hang about afterwards.

No, straight out that door.

The walk of shame, if I ever seen it.

Mm. Well, you would know, Agnes.

Winnie, mine was the stride of pride.

Remember the Finglas football team?

Shut the buck up, you.

What are yous talking about?

Oh, Winnie's just reminiscing about an old football match.

That went to extra time.

And is over now and never to be repeated.

Cathy, have you seen any of my cardigans?

Cardigans...?

No...

I have the sitting room booked.

Oh, yeah, for your meeting.

Oh, I suppose you're going to cause a fuss.

Cathy, have you even met me?

I am cool with whatever.

DOORBELL

MRS NICHOLSON: Yoo-hoo, Cathy, it's me!

Oh, not feckin' her.

DAMIEN: I'm here too!

Oh, no, have I not suffered enough?

And I, Dr Flynn, am also here, bringing festive tidings!

Oh, that's it, go on, Winnie.

We're out of here, Cathy.

Well, Agnes, you're very accommodating

letting them take over your sitting room.

Well, I have little choice, thanks to you.

Why? What did I do?

Saying that I'm cranky at Christmas,

you may as well have put a target on me back.

Hiya. Is Cathy here?

She's in the sitting... Oh, I'm sorry -

in the conference room, Maria.

Ah. Hiya, Ma, hiya, Winnie.

Is Betty not with you? No. Oh-ho!

We can all relax, so.

Betty's staying in Donegal for Christmas.

Really? Winnie, pinch me, I think I'm dreaming.

Her mother's very sick, Ma, it's not looking good.

Ah, no, Mark.

Er, I'm so sorry, Mark, I-I didn't know, I... I know, Ma.

You...you tell Betty that we will miss her here for Christmas dinner.

Betty will never believe that, Ma.

I suppose. So when are you going to Donegal?

Betty needs you up there for support.

I want to go, Ma, but Bono doesn't -

I think it's a new girlfriend.

Let me talk to him.

No, Ma, I don't want to stress you out,

I know what YOU'RE like around Christmas.

For God's sake!

ANIMATED CHATTER

What's going on in there?

Oh, meeting, and it's private.

No, I'm sorry, Cathy,

we simply do not have the time or the resources

to organise such an event.

We can get more volunteers, Mother.

And who exactly is going to pay for all this?

It'll cost a fortune to feed all these vagabonds.

What are you doing here, Buster?

Just putting up the Christmas tree.

Quietly.

Sorry.

They might be homeless, Mrs Nicholson,

but they're just like you and I.

I think you'll find they certainly are not.

Snob!

I can't walk through the village without tripping over one.

Sleeping on benches, in doorways.

Well, that's exactly our point -

they deserve better.

Maria, darling, you haven't even got a premises

that can adequately cater for all these...

..these...

IN DEEP VOICE: Human beings.

Mark, shut the buck up, will you?!

We have the parish hall.

Oh, the parish hall will be hosting the bowls club Christmas lunch.

Oh, rich people - of course.

Well, it's neither here nor there.

No, I'm sorry, Cathy, I want to help

but it's simply not feasible, given the timeframe, right, Doctor?

Er, I'm...I'm afraid I have to agree with Hillary.

Chicken shit.

That was me.

Everybody is entitled to a little bit of compassion,

on Christmas Day of all days.

Mm, we could look at doing it on Christmas Day next year.

Some of these people won't be here next year.

Oh, fabulous, they're moving on, are they?

No, you silly cow, they'll be dead!

That was me again.

Cathy, if you can figure out a way to make it work, then let me know.

But until then, I just can't see it happening.

SIGHING

Er, I-I wonder if... Come along, Doctor!

Oh, OK.

Winnie, you've some neck saying that I get cranky at Christmas.

It wasn't a criticism, Agnes.

Well, it's hardly a compliment.

So you get a bit moody round Christmas-time, so what?

Oh, I'm moody AND I'm cranky now?

Only at Christmas-time, Agnes.

And maybe it's...the stress.

I have never been more relaxed for Christmas.

Are you really, though, Agnes?

Yes, Birdie, I'm telling you now,

I am so chilled, I could be...

..frozen.

Frozen!

We should record a Christmas song.

Feck off.

People make millions off their Christmas hits, Agnes.

I'm in.

But don't they give all that money to charity?

I'm out.

It'd be nice, though, writing a song but, wouldn't it?

No, it's not fun.

It took me six months to write this episode.

And it wasn't fun, especially your bits.

By the way, you die in the end.

Ah!

Hi, Birdie. Hi, Grandad.

Mm...

What was that about?

Who knows?

Excuse me, girls.

How are you, Bono?

Fine, Granny.

Is there anything on your mind, son?

Look, Granny, I know what's happening here.

Do you, now?

Dad asked you to talk to me,

and you're going to tell me I have to go to Donegal.

Is that right?

Yeah, well, I'm not going, OK?

Well, you should be going, cos it's times like this

when families gather round each other to support.

Your poor mother must be in bits up there on her own.

Aye, she is.

I know if it was me

and I was lying in me hospital bed in the last days of me life,

I'd want all my family round me.

Especially you, Bono, do you get me?

I do, Granny, but here's the thing -

if you were lying in hospital,

I wouldn't want to see you for the last time either.

Do YOU get ME?

AUDIENCE: Aww.

How did he get so fuckin' tall?

Well?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yeah...

Nearly there.

Is this going to be much longer? I have shit to do.

Same as me, Agnes, I'm bursting.

I want it put on record -

next year I just want a normal Christmas tree.

TOOL WHIRS

Hello, son. How are you, Ma? So how did it go with Bono?

Well, it's not the girlfriend anyway. What?

Bono does not want to say goodbye to his grandmother.

I understand where he's coming from.

It's a lot to be put on a young lad.

I don't know what to do now.

Well, you have to go to Donegal.

Bono can stay here with me.

Thanks, Ma. Right, I'll see yous later.

Good luck. See you, son.

OK, Mrs Brown, I think we're ready to rock.

Lovely.

OK, Mrs Brown, now, I followed all the instructions,

so proceed with caution

because obviously mistakes will have been made.

Obviously.

Get on with it. OK.

AUDIENCE: Oooooh! APPLAUSE

Hats off to you, Buster, it's fantastic.

And safe too, I think.

And that's not all. Here's your remote control.

Just press that button and that button.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Oh, my God.

It's fabulous!

He did good, didn't he? He did great. Thank you, Buster.

No problem, Mrs Brown.

Now, can we discuss the small issue of payment?

I already paid you.

Worth a try.

Oh, Agnes, that's beautiful.

And where are you two gallivanting off to?

We're just going out for a little walk.

Yous going to hold hands?

Only so he won't fall, he's very unsteady on his feet. Yeah.

It's probably cos she has him buckin' worn out.

Huh?!

Nothing.

Come on, Birdie, we're out of here.

That lazy bastard will walk nowhere.

I know. He even gets a taxi down to Foley's.

I know! You reckon there's something going on between Grandad and Birdie?

I'm not sure.

They're probably just friends. Yeah.

With benefits.

Oh...

Don't go stressing her out, Buster.

Thank you, Winnie.

She's cranky enough as it is.

I am not CRANKY!

Come on, Buster, let's tidy up.

A bit of peace and quiet, so I can think.

Hiya, Mammy! Oh, quiet over.

Oh, just come in and sit down, why don't you?

We think we can make the homeless dinner happen, Mammy.

Not here, though. No, Mammy.

The vegetable suppliers came back to me,

and they said they'll give us whatever we want free of charge.

And I spoke to some of the nurses in work

and they're going to come down and do the health checks.

I might not be able to attend the whole thing, though, I've got Mass.

Oh, Father...

I know, total bummer.

I can cover that. I mean, who doesn't love doing Christmas Mass?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Well, if it isn't the bitch that stole Christmas.

Oh... May I come in?

You can come in, but Dr Lapdog waits outside.

HE CHUCKLES

AGNES CHUCKLES

I mean it, out.

What are you doing here, Mother?

Well, after some careful consideration,

I realise I may have been a bit dismissive of your plans.

I talked her round.

Nope. Out.

How very unchristian of me. I regret it deeply.

That nearly sounds like an apology.

Yes, and I will endeavour to do better in future.

Still not an apology.

And I am...

..sorry. I'm sorry, I missed that last bit.

Sorry, I am sorry.

Maybe a bit louder.

Mammy, stop.

You're here now, Mrs Nicholson, that's all that matters.

And I want to help. We brought supplies.

Me too.

OK, come in.

That's great, Mother.

And I really would love to let you use the hall but, alas...

The balls.

The bowls. The balls. Bowls.

Balls.

Well, what about Foley's? Sharon?

Will any of these homeless men be single?

Will any of them be desperate?

All we need now is more turkeys. We've got one so far.

I've searched everywhere in the village, they're all sold out.

Well, how many do we need?

Enough to feed about 100.

Cathy, we've been listening to yous.

Yeah, leave the turkey situation to us.

Fantastic!

Where are we going to get that many turkeys?

I haven't got a clue.

Nice cardigan.

What a wonderful Christmas dinner. We all loved it.

We did too, God bless.

God bless you.

There we go! This is the last turkey!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, that's me.

Dermot said they're picking up the last lot in the minibus.

He should be here now.

Next sitting is here.

Well, nice cardigans!

Oh... What's wrong, Mother?

That was Timmy Billingsworth, from the bowling club.

All their turkeys seem to have gone missing.

Well, that's a pity.

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Maria, give us some Christmas music there.

# It's December

# I should be with you

# I thought that I'd be fine but it just don't feel right... #

AUDIENCE: Aww!

# It's not like the movies

# In California

# I should be wrapped up in your arms beside the fire... #

AUDIENCE: Aww!

# I don't want blue skies

# I need cold dark nights

# Dancing with strangers

# Under Grafton Street lights

# Singing the old tunes

# I should be with you... #

AUDIENCE: Awwwww! # I'll click my heels three times

# And if it comes true

# I'm coming home to you. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do you know, I've had some wonderful Christmas dinners with my family,

but I think this was the best yet.

You know, it...

Look, come with me.

Bono made it up to Donegal.

CHEERING

Mammy?!

Oh, make yourself a cup of tea. I'll be in in a minute.

You know, when you do something for those in need,

it gives you a nice, warm feeling.

You get addicted to it.

SHE SIGHS

So remember that feeling,

and if you're generous enough,

you can have that feeling as often as you like.

I wonder what this yellow button does...

By the way, Mammy, Buster said don't press the yellow...

LOUD BOOM

RUMBLING, ELECTRICAL BUZZING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's nice.

Merry Christmas.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'll never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes... #

Goodnight!

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

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