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Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Please welcome to the stage...

Micky Flanagan!

(WILD CHEERING)

# CHICORY TIP: "Son of My Father"

Hello.

A-ha.

Good evening, people of Wales.

(CHEERING)

And other places. (CROWD ROARS)

Boo! (LAUGHTER)

Thank you so much for coming. Friday night! Why aye!

Friday night in Cardiff!

You nutters! (LAUGHTER)

Well done for fucking getting here.

I bet you're all driving along at 20 miles an hour.

"Come on, Dafydd."

"Shut up, Myfanwy. I'm going as quick as I'm allowed." (LAUGHTER)

"You think I am fucking Niki Lauda?"

Straight off the top there with the Welsh accent.

I thought shit or get off the pot.

(CHEERING)

Ohhh.

There may be more of that later. We'll see.

Before you get fed up of it.

Thank you so much for coming and thank you for being patient.

It's been five years.

Whaa... I know I'm a lazy fucker, but blimey.

It wasn't gonna be five. I thought, I'll have a few years off.

I'll have a walk about and a look about.

That's all I ever wanted to do, walk about and look about.

But then we had a bit of aggravation, didn't we?

(LAUGHTER)

March 2020. Whoo!

Big announcement coming. Big announcement coming.

I went and made myself a cup of tea.

A cup of tea.

A few Digestive biscuits.

Not too many. Don't wanna be a Fattie Bum Bum.

(LAUGHTER)

Put the telly on.

Sat down, he came out, the old blond bomber.

(IMITATES ALARM)

Crisis! Crisis!

Shitting his pants.

(IMITATES ALARM)

(AS BORIS JOHNSON) "I said, we're following the science.

Following the science.

I said, you must stay indoors.

Indoors. Mm.

Protect the NHS. Protect the NHS.

Save the lions. Save all the lions."

Anyway...

Fuck that, I'm off to a party.

(LAUGHTER)

What I knob.

What's an absolute prick.

(LAUGHTER)

Wasn't funny. Wasn't funny, COVID, nothing funny about it.

A lot that was annoying. Oh.

There was a group of people who made me want to shit and stamp in it,

they did. They made me want to shit and stamp in it.

They're what I called the nose out people. Nose out.

These people put a mask on, pop their nose over the top.

(LAUGHTER)

Fucking hated the nose out people.

We weren't sure if they worked. We weren't sure.

Now it's definitely not working, mate, is it, eh?

(LAUGHTER)

Your big trumpet coming over the top.

(LAUGHTER)

Dewdrop on the end.

(LAUGHTER)

I quite liked wearing a mask, I quite liked wearing a mask,

because I was incognito again, ain't I?

I mean, incog-nito.

I'm a very famous man. I don't know if you know.

I am properly famous.

(CHEERING)

Me. Donny Osmond. David Cassidy.

We can't walk the streets. Can't walk the streets.

Suddenly I've got a mask on. I can do what I like. It's quite nice.

I'm doing regular things.

I'm going to the supermarket.

Following the arrows.

Following the arrows doing the right thing.

Keeping my distance.

Sorry, pal. Sorry. Sorry about that.

Back off, bruv. Christ's sake. What are you doing?

(LAUGHTER)

Suddenly, nose out person comes in.

Murderer!

(LAUGHTER)

Murderer in the house!

Not having this. I'll sort this out.

Double back. Double back.

I forgot something. Just double back. A bit crafty.

As they came round the corner,

I just used to flip my cock out over the top of my trousers.

(LAUGHTER)

(CONTINUED LAUGHTER)

Is this not how you wear jeans?

(LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

I thought as long as you covered your ballbag up...

(LAUGHTER)

..you was inside the Government guidelines.

That's gone a bit funny an' all, the ballbag lately.

The older men will tell you, my ballbag's gone a bit leathery.

It has. It's gone thick and stiff and leathery.

It's lost its va va voom, my ballbag.

I was going to take it to The Repair Shop on the telly.

(LAUGHTER)

They work wonders on that show with a bit of leather.

Get the wife to take me in on a stretcher.

Tea towel on me nut for a bit of privacy.

Just pull me ballbag through the dip.

They'll all be over, all the experts in their 10 pairs of glasses

all checking it out.

Old Jay Blades will be over.

"They been in the family long, babe? They been in the family long?

I'll bet they were beautiful in their day.

I'll bet they were beautiful.

We'll do what we can for you, luv, we'll do what we can."

My wife will be trying. She's always crying.

"Oh, do what you can for me, please.

I have to touch 'em, I do. I have to touch 'em."

(LAUGHTER)

Lucky cow. Lucky cow.

No, it wasn't funny. It was horrible.

And it was a tough couple of years, wasn't it?

Being stuck indoors for two years.

With your partner. Oof.

Oooof.

I love my wife.

She is the other half of me.

She completes me.

Without her, I would be in the gutter,

apparently. (LAUGHTER)

That's what she tells me.

And I go home after... I've had a few drinks.

I lay in the bed beside her talking bollocks.

"You saved me, baby. You saved me.

I was lost before I met you."

She goes, "Shut the fuck up!

Get over there. You stink."

(LAUGHTER)

It's the last surviving bit of domestic violence, innit?

The female push-punch.

Strikes you a blow.

It's just, wanna get the... (HIGH VOICE)

It's the strangest thing being a man,

knowing you walk in the kitchen some mornings

and she looks across the kitchen at you. She...

She's biting her bottom lip.

She hates you.

That day, she fucking hates you.

(LAUGHTER) She doesn't want to.

But she does, she's looking at you. "I fucking hate you today.

Your fucking hairy toes and your fucking stupid shirt.

Fucking flip flops? Fucking idiot."

(LAUGHTER)

You can't... You've done nothing wrong.

You've just got up, made yourself a nice cup of tea.

And you can see that hate stare across...

You say the wrong thing on a day like that, she'll come up and say,

"Get out of my fucking face!"

(LAUGHTER)

All right, babe. Easy. Easy.

We've all got habits that drive each other mad. We've all got habits.

My wife's got one. 20 years I've been putting up with this.

She calls me out of earshot. Just far enough away.

I can hear her little voice at the top of the house.

(IMITATES FAINT VOICE)

(LAUGHTER)

(IMITATES FAINT VOICE)

I'll say, "How can I hear you all the way up there?

I'm trying to watch Bargain-Loving Brits."

"Uh..." (LAUGHTER)

This wasn't such a problem when we lived in little houses.

All right, easy, easy.

Easy.

I ain't gotta apologise for it.

I love my big house.

I don't think we have to go, "Ohh, I feel so guilty."

Oh, I don't. (LAUGHTER)

So don't get me wrong. I know there's a cost of living crisis.

No-one knows more than me. (LAUGHTER)

What?

My driver don't stop going on about it, he don't.

Easy. Easy.

I bought him a Ninja Air Fryer to shut him up, I did.

I didn't know what the fucking thing is. What's he do, fight with it?

(LAUGHTER)

Whoo! Right.

So I go to the middle of the house. Middle of the house.

I say, babe, how can I hear you all the way down there?

What are you...? What? (IMITATES FAINT VOICE)

(SIGHS) Oh, fuck's sake.

So I go to the top of the house.

She's got a boudoir.

It's a boudoir. All her clothes are up there and everything.

I said, "Babe, how many times have we talked about...?

I really feel it's the duty of the caller,

the person doing the calling, to at least make their way,

some way towards the callee.

You know, the poor innocent party in this torrid affair.

I'm trying to watch a bit of Bargain...

Why have I got to come all the way up here

to see what you've got to say?

I've got a sneaky suspicion it's going to be bollocks.

(LAUGHTER)

She said, "You had to come up.

I've put new handles on that dressing table."

(LAUGHTER)

"I need to know what you think."

"I don't think anything, babe."

(LAUGHTER)

Put some clothes in it. Put some clothes in it.

No, I think men and women generally get on much better now.

I think we've ironed a lot of shit out, haven't we?

(WORRIED LAUGH)

A bit reticent there. "No..."

But there are flashpoints. I find Saturday mornings a flashpoint.

Saturday morning about past ten, men tend to lay there on the settee.

We're thinking about our lives, the Janes, the Jeans

and the might-have-beens,

and picking our feet.

You know we like to pick our feet on the settee and...

She comes in and starts on you, starts telling you

how the day is going to unfold,

how the weekend's going to go,

how your life is going to pan out.

(LAUGHTER)

You know when you walk out the door, ladies, we go...

(MOUTHS) (LAUGHTER)

(MOUTHS) (MEN CHEERING)

Just for a minute we feel tasty again.

We feel a bit tasty.

We walk around the front room, "Don't talk to me like that

in my own house." (LAUGHTER)

Shiz.

We're slightly broken now, men.

We are. You've done a cracking job, ladies. Well done.

(WOMEN CHEERING) Well done.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no, lads. I've got this. I've got this. Don' worry.

When was the last time you saw a proper flash bastard?

Men used to be flash Friday night.

New shirt, few quid in their pocket, walking down the street.

Oi, oi. Going down the rub-a-dub. Oi, oi.

People would shout out, "Wanker!"

(LAUGHTER) "That's me."

See ya down the pub.

Not any more. Men don't walk about like that. We're broken.

Men walk about a bit stooped now.

Looking at their shit shoes.

Apologising all the time.

"I'm sorry I was born with a penis.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

Sorry for being so toxic.

I can't believe you're even looking at me really.

Oh, yeah. And sorry for inventing everything."

(LAUGHTER) (MEN CHEERING)

"And building everything.

And maintaining everything." (MEN CHEERING)

"For 300 years." (MEN CHEERING)

"You're welcome, ladies.

Enjoy your hot yoga." (LAUGHTER)

Well done, lads. That was great.

I knew I could rely on you in Wales.

I did that in Brighton the other day. They were a bit like, "Mm.

Oh, darling, I don't agree with this, darling.

I'll go down on you later. That'll cheer you up.

How many hours do you want tonight?

You know I'm a feminist."

Anyway...

I think my... I think my dad was non-binary in the 1970s

and I think he was the first non-binary person.

Cos sometimes for weeks on end

my mum would only refer to him as that and it.

(LAUGHTER)

She'd say, "Tell that out there.

Your fuckin' dinner's in there."

He also identified as a piece of shit for quite a while.

(LAUGHTER)

Hi, I'm Jim, and I identify as a piece of shit.

Let's talk about comedy for a while. The state of comedy. Mm-hm.

27 years I've been doing this shit, right?

27 years coming up now.

(CHEERING) Ooh.

The game has changed. Oh, the game has changed, yeah

Cos you used to be able to say what you liked. You were in charge.

The comedian said things. If you laughed, we all had a laugh.

If you didn't like it, you didn't laugh.

Occasionally you'd go, "Oh.

Oh."

That was an indication I'd gone too far.

There's probably someone in this room now having a terrible time.

They might have a leather ballbag. What do I fucking know?

(LAUGHTER) I can't check everything.

(LAUGHTER)

But now people go online. They've got a phone and some fingers.

They go, "Hm.

I'm going to send a message to my four followers. Hm."

I've got a message for these people.

Please fuck off.

Fuck off. (CHEERING)

Get a sense of humour, you miserable pricks.

(CHEERING)

People used to get offended. People always have been.

Not any more. People are triggered now.

It's very important if people are triggered,

you've got to take notice. People say, I was triggered.

You say, "Mm? Were you triggered? Mm."

Why's triggered so important? Have you been triggered?

How does it feel? Do you shit yourself?

Do you get ill? Do you go blind?

"I was triggered, triggered, triggered. My God."

I've never been triggered.

I've not. I'm obviously too thick.

I'm so thick and insensitive.

Don't have the essential gravitas to be triggered.

I think I was triggered the other day.

Let me tell you the story.

I don't watch the news. Who does?

It's traumatic, horrendous stuff.

I feel I should know what's going on.

So I watch it on times 30, the news.

I do.

I record it, put it on times 30 and it goes...

It still upsets me. I say, oh, fucking hell.

I put the button on, record the news.

And I went to leave the room. I heard the woman say,

"Coming up first, a very, very controversial report

about a trans swimmer."

Aye, aye. I thought, "Let's..." (LAUGHTER)

"Let's have some of this.

We're going to watch this in real time, baby. Real time.

They showed her coming out for a race.

He was a big 'un.

(LAUGHTER)

Twice the size of the others.

These four little girls were walking along behind and they're looking up.

Their little faces.

Anyway, she won by about an hour, about an hour.

She was fast. She was like a motorboat.

She turned that pool into a lava.

And I was triggered.

I was genuinely triggered. Not... It was the injustice of it.

Because, you know, I'm about justice.

You can see that, can't you? You can look and go, Micky's about justice.

You can see it.

When I was growing up, they called me Micky Justice.

I was called Micky Justice. If people wanted justice, they'd say,

"Mick, we need justice."

I'd go, "I'll give you justice, suckers."

So I was triggered. I was really upset.

I was stomping round the room.

I kicked the coffee table up in the air.

My wife come in. She said, "What on earth is going on?"

I say, "Babe, I'm triggered."

She said, "What, you?" I went, "Yeah, I can be triggered."

She said, "What do you think it's about?" I said, "I don't know."

I said, "I'm just... Leave me. I need to process it. I need to process it."

I said, "Leave me in my safe space. Leave me in my safe space.

Get me a can of Stella Artois. Look lively."

(LAUGHTER)

Dream on. Dream on.

So she went off and I was starting to process it.

I have to underscore this bit.

Obviously, I have no problem with the trans community.

Who's got a problem with the trans community?

Who wakes up in the morning and goes, "I'm not having this"?

"People turning into other people. I'm not having it."

(LAUGHTER)

Who is? People are too busy trying to pay their mortgage.

Pay their bills. Well, you lot but...

Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!

I...

You know what I'm saying.

Anyway, I started processing and what it was...

It was all wrapped up with going to a comprehensive in the 1970s

and I was trying to work out, what's this all about? What's it all about?

Do you want to hear how bad my school was?

I'll tell you how bad my school was.

Wanna hear about the famous alumni?

The famous people who've been to my school.

Hundred years it's been there.

Ron and Reggie Kray. Oi, oi.

# Oh, you could leave your front door open

# Ron and Reg would make sure you're all right

Me. (CHEERING)

And the three girls who ran off to be jihadi brides.

(LAUGHTER)

How's that? (LAUGHTER)

They made us do a lot of sport in school.

Lots of sport. Get them to run around a bit

before they fuck off to the factory, wear 'em out.

I didn't mind it in infants. I quite liked it in infants.

It was called PE then, wasn't it? PE in infants.

You'd be sort of like sitting in your little classroom

doing a bit of joined up writing with your tracing paper.

The teacher would go,

"We're doing PE now. Take all your clothes off."

(LAUGHTER)

"Sorry, miss?"

"Take all your clothes off."

"All of 'em?"

"Not all of 'em, stupid!"

Keep your pants and vest on.

You had to go to the big school hall, massive school hall,

in your pants and vest.

Your frowsy pants and vest.

Shameful frowsy pants and vest.

Got corned beef legs.

Had no vitamin C for years.

Blotchy corned beef legs.

Skid marks on your pants.

Oh, now I've got skidders.

Walking along the wall so no-one sees the skid marks.

Running up and down. Waaay!

Waaay!

Shout out the odd instruction.

Jump! Waaay!

Spin, if you like. (SHOUTS)

And you went back in your classroom.

Put your clothes back on.

Then you go to secondary school.

Now the ante's gone right up.

Now you got to do four hours on a bloody Friday morning

in some far-flung shithole, freezing cold,

to play a sport you don't even like.

Rugby.

(SOME JEERING)

Yeah. Yeah. What do I fucking know?

Sir. Do I look like a public schoolboy?

Do I look Welsh?

(LAUGHTER)

Edwards to Barry John.

That's all I know.

Edwards to Barry John.

I don't fucking know anything about rugby.

I want to do the cross turn.

Big rule change now. Big rule change.

You got to take your pants off.

Teachers were obsessed with pants.

They were proper hard Northern teachers. Ex-army, ex-footballers.

"Take your fucking pants off," they'd say.

"You bloody pansy bastard. Take your pants off.

I'll be checking an' all." (LAUGHTER)

I didn't want to take my pants off. Course I don't wanna take them off.

I ain't got a penis. (LAUGHTER) I ain't.

I hadn't been through puberty. I got no knob, no pubes, nothing.

But nothing there.

I'd panic on Thursday, lay in bed tossing and turning.

"Oh, my God. I've got to take my pants off tomorrow.

Ain't it bad enough I'm free dinners. I'm free dinners.

I'm going to get a nickname in this school.

No Knob Free Dinners, that's what I'll get known as.

No Knob Free Dinners! (LAUGHTER)

To make matters worse, we had...

A lot of Greek boys came to our school in the '70s

cos there was a war in Cyprus.

All these lovely Greek boys came to our school.

They weren't sure how bright they were.

So to protect them, they put them a bit lower.

So now I've got to get changed next to Vassos.

He's six foot two,

hairy chest.

It's got a massive knob hanging down.

I'm trying to my pants off in the corner.

I've got my blazer on.

I'm looking at this... Fucking hell.

Vassos.

You sure you're 11 years old, man?

Don't give a fuck.

He's walking about, his knob's...

(DEEP VOICE) Yes, I am 11.

You can ask my wife.

She'll tell you, Maria.

This is where the justice came in, because our horrible PE teachers,

our horrible games teachers would make us play rugby

against Vassos. "Get the ball to Vassos."

We're all trying to tackle him. "Get out of my way, Vassos here!"

All going home, our faces smashed in.

My mama'd say, what's happened to your face?

"I tried to tackle a man today, Mum, in rugby."

"You won't do that again, will ya!"

Hated playing against Vassos. Terrifying.

But when we played other schools, now we're winning, ain't we?

We've got fucking Vassos on our side.

We'd keep him back in the changing room. "Stay there, Vassos."

The other school would turn up on a coach. They'd all get off.

We're all shaping up.

When they're off the coach. "Vassos."

He'd come walking out.

Combing his moustache.

His medallions glistening in the morning sun.

His knob's coming out the bottom of his shorts.

"Vassos is here!"

Then they'd play their trump card.

Off of their coach would walk Mwagenge Ototuju.

(LAUGHTER)

Six foot nine.

From Nigeria.

Now for obvious reasons, I'm not going to do the accent.

(LAUGHTER)

Ain't it terrible I'm not allowed?

Ain't it terrible? Who makes these rules?(BOOING)

Yeah.

I remember the first time I heard it.

I was going to the shop to get 10 No.6 for my mum,

to Bill's, the newsagent's, and I was looking at the chews

and I was thinking, I'm going to get a chew with the change.

And I heard over my shoulder,

"How much are your Golden Wonder crisps?"

I thought, I like that.

I went home to my mum.

I said, "Mum, I'm going to talk like an African the rest of my life.

I want to talk like an African and walk like an Egyptian."

That's all I ever wanted to do.

She said, "OK, boy.

Not sure if we're going to keep that in, by the way.

You can check on the recording whether that goes in or not.

So, yeah, it gave me the big 'un on the night.

Yeah.

He shit his pants in the editing suite.

This is, this is...

this is the fine line we walk in.

My career could be in tatters.

Yeah. In a year's time I'll be sitting in the jungle

with all the other fucking idiots.

"Oh, Micky. Micky, can you tell us about your journey."

"Yeah, Cardiff it all went wrong.

They goaded me, didn't they?

Peer group pressure.

Did an African." "Oh."

(AS ANT OR DEC) "Oh, Micky boy, you've been picked to do a challenge.

Come over here, Micky. Come and eat this kangaroo's cock. Come on."

Got to try and get this show back on track at some point.

We're fucking recoding it.

Cameras everywhere. Look! Geezer over here.

Look. Fucking...

This is the pressure I'm under.

Look. This is the fucking pressure I'm under.

My arse is being filmed all night long.

(LAUGHTER)

Can't scratch it.

I can feel...

You try and have a camera up your arsehole for an hour and a half.

Not worried about being cancelled, don't give a shit. I really don't.

It's the younger ones I worry about.

It's the younger ones. I'm done now. I'm fucking done.

I know I'm turning into a silly old bastard.

I'm a proper silly old bastard. I've started collecting shit.

I have. Elastic bands. String.

I've got my little drawer in the kitchen.

I panic if it goes too low.

"I'm getting a bit low in there."

I like a tin now. Love a tin.

Love a tin.

Got a hamper recently from a TV company trying to woo me

back on the telly. Right? Will you come back?

I said, No, I can't come back. I'm not a nonce. Right?

(LAUGHTER) It's true.

Unbelievable, innit?

Anyway, let me get back on track.

Easy. I'm trying to make this fucking TV programming, right?

Cut...

Got a hamper from the TV company.

I really do want to go back on TV because I think it's brilliant,

to be honest with you.

Up there for thinking, down there for dancing.

We'll cut that in.

Hamper. Beautiful tin in it. I love a tin.

I said to my wife, "When the biscuits go, I want that tin."

She said, "It's yours, babe. It's yours."

When I got it, I put it in my office. I got an office now.

No fucking idea why I've got an office.

I've got one.

Now me and the dog have to sit there every day for a couple of hours.

Justifying the office, me and the dog sitting there.

The dog's on my lap looking at the computer.

Looking at me. What the fuck are we doing here, Daddy?

I've got a little cockapoo

because I'm a good man. My son drove me mad a few years ago.

About nine years ago I went and got him a cockapoo.

I said, "They go, I'm done."

Guess whose dog it is now?

My dog.

He's out every night with his mates. Wife's out with her friends.

Me and the dog walking about in this big house.

She won't take her eyes off me. "Daddy, don't go out there, Daddy.

Saw that thing about the Bully XLs on the news the other day, Daddy.

Daddy... Daddy!

Daddy, come on, open a bottle of wine, Daddy. Open a bottle of wine.

You can hide it in the bottom of the recycling. She won't know.

Go and get me a bone out of the freezer, come on.

We can watch Fools And Horses. Come on, Daddy."

I love my little dog.

She's exactly the same face when she gets....

When she gets in trouble, she pulls exactly the same face as me.

Sometimes she does a poo in the house, very rare,

and I say, "You done a poo-poo, ain't ya?"

She gets so upset, she turns around, looks in the corner,

her head drops down like that. It's tragic.

It's exactly how I'll go when my wife accuses me of having a wank.

(LAUGHTER)

It's exactly the same look.

Which is not that often these days, I'll be honest with you,

but she's always right. (LAUGHTER)

She comes in, she looks... She's like a witch.

"You've had a wank, ain't ya?"

I'll just look away. I'll just turn...

"I was thinking about you, babe. I was thinking about you.

I was. I was thinking about you."

So I got the tin. I put it in my office. It was gnawing away at me.

"I've got to find something for that tin.

It's going to waste. I've got to find something."

And then I remembered I had some hard drives in the loft.

We recorded every show.

That's not a good sentence, that. "Hard drives in the loft."

Oh, yeah. They're up there.

They've got the old shows on 'em.

I record the shows, watch them back so I remember stuff.

So got them down, I put them on the desk,

I put them on the desk,

thought, OK, let's see if they'll fit in this tin.

This'll make my day.

First went in, beautiful. Second one, like a glove.

Flick the lid over. Oh, fucking buzzing now.

Fucking buzzing, right.

When my wife come in, I went, know that tin?

The two hard drives from the last tour fit in it beautiful.

And the lid goes over.

I'm sorry.

She said, "It's time to go back to work, babe. Don't you think?

Fuck me." She said, "You're getting proper boring lately."

Whoo. That hurt.

When an older man gets called... I said, "Me, boring?"

I said, "Is it the gillet?"

I fucking love my gillet.

When that gillet goes on, shit gets done.

I'm going to the dump. I'm clearing leaves.

Parking people up. "Come on, come on.

Hard right, hard right."

Everything annoys me now. It fucking annoys me.

People are fucking annoying, ain't they?

People are wankers, ain't they? Fucking...

I try to stay calm.

I try to stay calm, but people are uncivil!

Civility was a big thing when I was growing up.

People would say, "Be civil."

Hm...

If you'd been out for the day...

My mum would line us up. She'd line us up.

She'd said, "We're going out for the day.

Don't show me up.

She'd look at my old man and say, "And you, don't drink too much."

He'd go, "Bollocks."

You tried not to show yourself up.

This has all gone out the window.

All gone out the window.

No-one gives a shit any more. (LAUGHTER)

My mother-in-law...

She loves a place called Camber Sands. I don't know if you know it.

It's a beautiful Kent coastal town of sand dunes.

It's miles and miles. It's beautiful. She loves it,

my mother in law. She's quite posh.

She said, "Mick." She said, "Mick, can we go to 'Caamber Saands'?"

I said, "Camber Sands?" She said, "Yes, that's the one."

I said, "Of course we can." We loaded up the car.

We went and got sandwiches from (WITH ACCENT) Pret a Manger.

Wine from the vintner. And we went to "Caamber Saands".

and we set ourselves up, deck chairs, windbreakers.

It was beautiful. Sun was shining, the world was a lovely place.

Then we heard 'em, coming over the sand dunes.

Then we saw 'em, what can only be described as a cunt family.

(LAUGHTER)

Proper cunt family.

We all gave each other that look. Fucking cunt family turning up.

Look at this lot. Look at this firm.

You could see they were cunts from about 100 yards.

Hundreds of kids. Loads of dogs.

Carrier bags full of booze, fucking sound system.

Here we fucking go.

Here we go.

We had one last hope.

They'd move on, find our own...

No, no, they like an audience, these people.

Plotted up in the middle of us. Fucking smoking, drinking.

(GRUNTING)

Oh.

Oh. (LAUGHTER)

They fucking dug a hole in the sand. Massive hole in the sand.

Right? They're throwing all their rubbish in there.

Fag packets, crisp packets, fag box going in there.

I thought, it's to stop it blowing away.

They're not as thick as I thought.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Leader got up. Big fella.

Got up. Ooh. He's showing his two teeth off to the others.

Yeah, look at these two.

Anyway, guess what he done? I couldn't believe it.

He's kicked sand all over the rubbish.

Tamped it down. "Come on, cunt family leaving."

And they all fucked off en masse, leaving us lot agog.

All the reasonable people. We were a mass of gog.

Have you seen a mass of gog?

Have you seen a group of people just...

Some people were aghast.

One bloke was perplexed.

Needless to say, we were very, very, very, very upset.

My mother in law, a psychiatrist of some eminence and some standing,

she looked at me. She said, "Mick, Miick,

I really think you should say something."

I said, "Funnily enough, Penelope,

I think I'm going to give it a miss."

Keith the caretaker once said to me in the Panther pub,

"Micky, boy, you cannot educate a cunt."

(LAUGHTER)

And I'm going with Keith on this one, if you don't mind.

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

I was still reeling from an incident a few weeks before.

I'd woken up on a Sunday morning, slightly hung over,

to hear scaffolders working on the house next door.

Ooh. Sunday morning, half seven,

I went down to the kitchen, said, "Babe, scaffolders working

next door. Sunday morning. It's not allowed. It's against the law.

I'm going to sort it out. They'll know who I am.

It will be fine."

I've walked out, ain't I?

T-shirt, shorts. Slippers.

"Excuse me, lads. Sunday morning. You know you shouldn't be working?

The big one, laying the tin roof, he leant over the edge.

He said, "Mick, come out that door again

and I'm going to come down there and knock you spark out."

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "You won't knock me out. You'll knock me out out."

Hey! (CHEERING)

Out of jail. Out of jail winner.

Crack on, I'm only having a bubble.

What's the matter here?

I went in. I said, "Babe, I sorted that out.

Three teas, two coffees.

They're going to be in at 9:00 for a bit of egg and bacon. (MUMBLES)

(LAUGHTER)

So...

I'm getting it indoors at the moment.

The wife's got a new game she plays with me.

It's called "How old do you think she is?"

Every night we play it. I lay on this settee.

She lays out on that settee. We try and watch a bit of telly.

Every 20 minutes she goes, "How old do you think she is?"

Fuckin hell.

I always go a bit over the top. I go 63.

64, I reckon.

She goes, "Stop it. I'll look it up."

She goes, "She's 51."

And I go, "Fucking hell. She's let herself go, babe, ain't she?

Pisshead, I reckon. Smoker."

She goes, "I'm doing better. Ain't I doing better than her?"

I go, "Yes, you're doing better than her.

Can we watch the film?"

She stitched me right up the other day.

Proper stitch-up.

She's come in the kitchen. A serious face on.

She said, "Look at me, babe. Look at me.

Am I getting a turkey neck?"

For the younger men in the room...

Who've not had the turkey neck question...

I'm going to give you the answer to the turkey neck question.

Store it for the future.

You turn away,

you reset yourself. You reset yourself.

And you come back...

a mixture of confused and angry, right?

You go, "Wha...

wha, wha...

You?

Turkey neck?

Leave it out, babe." (LAUGHTER)

Your neck's a work of art.

Michelangelo would be happy to have produced a neck like that.

It's like porcelain.

Now stop it. You're being paranoid.

Live your best life, sister. Live your best life.

Now, it is going a bit, right? It is going a bit.

But I ain't fucking telling her, am I?

I'd quite like to get my leg over at some point in the next 20 years.

(LAUGHTER)

What's happened to men? Many have gone a bit funny.

What the fuck has happened to men?

Obsessed with their looks now.

Men in my generation, we never worried about our looks.

We've got personalities.

(LAUGHTER)

We have. You go out with an older man

and you'll be laughing and chaffing all night long.

He'll be holding court, telling you stories.

Younger men are not so confident, are they?

They're a bit more insecure.

It's all about looks. Have you seen young men's teeth lately?

What the fuck has happened to young men's teeth?

The size of 'em! (LAUGHTER)

You see 'em coming down the road, don't you? You go, "Fuck me."

"There's a set of teeth coming down hard.

Look at the size of these.

Oh, they're attached to a bloke. Look." (LAUGHTER)

"You seen my teeth?"

"Yeah, I saw them about an hour ago, mate."

"Where'd you get them teeth?

Turkey. I went to Turkey.

Got these massive nuggets."

Got muscles now, ain't they, all young men.

They keep crying all the time. They don't stop crying.

In public. Men used to cry in private. Now it's in public.

On the telly.

I was watching the telly a little while ago.

It was a lot of old nonsense called Traitors

and it was all about people voted on, voted off.

It was a bit of old shit. Got us as a family. Family viewing.

One bloke, he's met another fella and they bonded.

And his mate got voted off.

Oh, dear. The next morning

this fella's crying in the breakfast room.

"I can't believe he's gone. (CRYING)"

They've all gathered around him.

"Oh, come on. We can get through this.

This is part of your journey.

You'll grow from this."

Nobody pushed through the crowd and went, "Stop it."

(LAUGHTER)

"You muggy cunt. What are you doing?

What are you crying for?"

(WHISTLING)

"You only knew him for 24 hours, you silly bastard."

I want his mum to come in. "What are you crying for?

Don't keep fucking crying.

I've told you about fucking crying."

(LAUGHTER)

Men used to be romantic.

If a man fancied a bird he would show his intention

by sending her a card, a box of chocolates, Interflora.

A bunch of flowers.

What does she get now?

A picture of a cock. That's what she gets now.

A big veiny glistening cock on a Wednesday night.

"Here you go, sister.

In case you were having a bit of a down night.

This'll cheer you up, a big veiny cock."

(LAUGHTER)

Fucking madness.

She's sitting in All Bar One with her friends.

"Oh, I ain't heard from that fella. I thought we clicked as it happens.

I thought we clicked.

Oh, look. He sent me a picture of his cock." (LAUGHTER)

"What do you think? Is he a keeper?"

(LAUGHTER)

It's the normalisation of noncery.

There's a reason they're called privates,

because they're private.

If you got to know someone, you got to see their privates.

You could jump on 'em if you wanted to.

Do what you like. (LAUGHTER)

You never got to see people's private.

You had to get to know 'em well.

And then they'd say, "You can see my privates."

You'd go, "Ooh."

Now it's on the telly.

You put the telly on on Thursday night.

You flick through the channels.

Fucking five vaginas in a row.

Five cocks.

On the telly. On your telly.

It's called Naked Attraction. Have you seen it?

This is a proper bit of TV. It's not a comedy show.

It's a proper show. They take it very seriously.

They're going to find a partner, apparently.

This is how you go about it.

(LAUGHTER)

The presenter takes it all serious. Fair play to her.

You know, she's got this girl. "Come and look at the cocks. Come on.

Let's find you a partner.

Come on.

What do you reckon to that one?

(LAUGHTER)

"It's a bit like a cornet, isn't it?

Why's it thin at the bottom and fat at the end?"

"It's all right. We've got more cocks. Come on, babe.

Come down.

What do you reckon to that one?"

"It's a bit stubby, isn't it?

Is it a shower or a grower?

Did he say on the application form?"

"Get in and have a proper look at it. Go on.

No, don't smell it. Don't smell it.

What sort of show do you think this is?"

Everyone's sex mad now.

Everyone's fucking sex mad.

We can't leave it alone.

I may as well tell you, people of Cardiff.

You may as well hear from me as anyone.

People have started licking each other's bumholes. (LAUGHTER)

They have. I know, you're shocked, I'm shocked.

It's called rimming. (LAUGHTER)

It's gone mainstream.

It used to be for the avant-garde, the BDSM community, the perverts.

Not now. Everyone's rimming, rimming, rimming.

People you know, people you go caravanning with.

People in your book club, rimming, rimming, rimming, rimming, rimming.

We're all under pressure now.

I'm going to nail my colours to the mast.

I don't want to rim. (LAUGHTER) I don't.

You want to rim, rim on.

Rim on, but don't put me under pressure.

Don't make me feel like some vanilla square

just cos I don't want to lick where the poo-poo comes out.

Call me a nutter.

Don't want to rim.

I'm old school.

It's shocking for a man of my generation.

I started having sex in the late seventies.

You couldn't even get a blowjob. You couldn't get a blowjob.

I know the young men are going, "Leave it out, Mick."

You couldn't. You couldn't.

I've worked with old men in furniture factories.

Never had a blowjob.

Never had a blowjob. These men fought in the Second World War.

(LAUGHTER)

You'd think that's the least they'd have got.

I used to say, "Ted, Terry, Terry,

you heard about these blowjobs?"

"I've heard about 'em, Mikey Michael."

"Think you'll ever get one?"

"(EXHALES)

I can't see my Ethel doing that any time soon."

(LAUGHTER)

"She's a very house-proud woman, my Ethel."

(LAUGHTER)

Now people are licking each other's bumhole.,

Progress. Is that what you wanted, people?

Is that what you wanted? You've got it.

Every man in this room is under pressure now.

If it ain't happened yet you know it's in the post.

You're going to be sitting in the Toby Carvery one Sunday morning,

having a bit of fucking pork and apple.

And she's going to go, "Oi, you.

Oi, you, you're licking my bum later."

(LAUGHTER)

"Sorry, babe. A bit noisy in here. What was that?"

"You're licking my bum later."

You mean on the cheeks?"

"No, the ringpiece. You'll get right in there.

Be a man.

Why should I go without?

What am I, chopped liver?"

"Do you mind if I don't, babe? Do you mind if I don't?

I've just had my teeth whitened. Look.

(LAUGHTER)

"The dentist said before I left, he said, 'No red wine,

no black coffee. Definitely no rimming.

(MUMBLES)"

(LAUGHTER)

So...

I've tried to cut down on the boozing. What do you think?

I thought 61 might be a good time to knock it on the head a bit.

No.

Doctor's orders. Doctor's orders.

He said... No, you know I'm famous for fucking staying up too late.

I've cut my drinking down.

I don't drink during the week any more

and never in the morning any more.

(LAUGHTER)

Now I've got rules for myself now.

I start drinking on a Friday now about 4:00.

I put on a bit of Bargain-Loving Brits, a bit of The Chase,

crack the cabinet open and start having a few beers,

have a few Scotches,

and then record the news and I go off and have something to eat.

And sometimes I catch the end of the news. It's the only bit I'll watch.

The local end bit. I like it.

Because they do the vox pop then, don't they?

It's called the voice of the people,

where they go to the high street and they talk to any fucker.

Just some random people.

Just bollocks at the end of the news.

Anything that's happening locally.

I was watching the news. London News.

You'd think they'd never run out of anything to say.

London News, London News, very, very important news.

London News, London News.

I'm watching it. The woman said,

"Just to let you know, between Kennington and Moorgate

on the Northern Line, there's going to be partial closures.

You won't be able to get off at Bank for a while, hm."

I'm watching this. She said, "But don't worry, we sent a reporter

down to Bank Station to see how people feel about it."

This bloke's running about in Bank...

Everyone's fucking him off, no-one wants to talk to him.

He's eventually cornered one bloke. "Excuse me, sir.

Between Kennington and Moorgate on the Northern Line,

there's going to be closures.

You're not going to be able to get off at Bank for a while.

What are you going to do?" The fella said,

"Hold on. Let me think about this," he said.

He said, "What I'll do is I'll get on the Charing Cross branch.

I'll go to Embankment, cross over onto the District Line,

go to Monument. And then I'll walk up.

And the bloke went, "OK, thank you, sir."

(LAUGHTER)

This is on the news! I'm watching it. I thought...

I thought, "Right! Accuse me of being boring?

I'll tell her.

I shouted up the stairs. "Cat, Cat!

You know between Kennington and Moorgate on the Northern Line?

It's going to be closed for refurbishment.

You won't be able to get off at Bank for a while."

"(IMITATES DISTANT REPLY)"

"Don't worry, they've sent someone down there.

To see how people feel about it."

"(IMITATES DISTANT REPLY)"

"This bloke said he's going to get on the Charing Cross branch,

go to Embankment

cross over onto the District Line,

go to Monument and then walk up.

She's at the door now. She's at the door now.

She said, "I really feel it's the duty of the caller...

the person doing the calling, to at least make their way some way

towards the callee."

(APPLAUSE)

She said, "Why have I got to come all the way down here

to listen to this bollocks?"

I said, "Easy. Easy.

Easy, babe. Easy, babe.

Touche, touche, sister. Touche."

I said, "I've been laying here. I've had a few drinks,

I've been doing some thinking, doing some serious thinking.

If you get your neck done...

(LAUGHTER)

"Can I have the bit of skin to make a new ballbag?"

(LAUGHTER)

Hey. Thank you. Thank you.

Right. Ladies and gentlemen,

it's been a long tour. It's been a long tour.

And you always want to end on a high.

Coming to Cardiff guarantees that.

You've been absolutely superb.

Thank you very much for coming to the show.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you on the next tour. Thank you.

(WHISTLING)

"You think I am fucking Niki Lauda?"

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