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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,000 This programme contains very strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,360 Please welcome to the stage... 3 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,920 Micky Flanagan! 4 00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:25,960 (WILD CHEERING) 5 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,520 # CHICORY TIP: "Son of My Father" 6 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,200 Hello. 7 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,920 A-ha. 8 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,000 Good evening, people of Wales. 9 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,520 Good evening, people of Wales. 10 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,680 (CHEERING) 11 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,720 And other places. (CROWD ROARS) 12 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,000 Boo! (LAUGHTER) 13 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,400 Boo! (LAUGHTER) 14 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:00,720 Thank you so much for coming. Friday night! Why aye! 15 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,000 Friday night in Cardiff! 16 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:04,500 Friday night in Cardiff! 17 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,600 You nutters! (LAUGHTER) 18 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,600 Well done for fucking getting here. 19 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,360 I bet you're all driving along at 20 miles an hour. 20 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,560 "Come on, Dafydd." 21 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,000 "Shut up, Myfanwy. I'm going as quick as I'm allowed." (LAUGHTER) 22 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,080 "Shut up, Myfanwy. I'm going as quick as I'm allowed." (LAUGHTER) 23 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,760 "You think I am fucking Niki Lauda?" 24 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,840 Straight off the top there with the Welsh accent. 25 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,320 I thought shit or get off the pot. 26 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:36,000 (CHEERING) 27 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,360 (CHEERING) 28 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,440 Ohhh. 29 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,760 There may be more of that later. We'll see. 30 00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:46,400 Before you get fed up of it. 31 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,480 Thank you so much for coming and thank you for being patient. 32 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,400 It's been five years. 33 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:52,000 Whaa... I know I'm a lazy fucker, but blimey. 34 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,400 Whaa... I know I'm a lazy fucker, but blimey. 35 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,400 It wasn't gonna be five. I thought, I'll have a few years off. 36 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,000 I'll have a walk about and a look about. 37 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:00,640 I'll have a walk about and a look about. 38 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:04,400 That's all I ever wanted to do, walk about and look about. 39 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,520 But then we had a bit of aggravation, didn't we? 40 00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:08,920 (LAUGHTER) 41 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,080 March 2020. Whoo! 42 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:16,000 Big announcement coming. Big announcement coming. 43 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,880 Big announcement coming. Big announcement coming. 44 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:21,400 I went and made myself a cup of tea. 45 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,400 A cup of tea. 46 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:24,000 A few Digestive biscuits. 47 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,440 A few Digestive biscuits. 48 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,680 Not too many. Don't wanna be a Fattie Bum Bum. 49 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,400 (LAUGHTER) 50 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:32,000 Put the telly on. 51 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,400 Put the telly on. 52 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,840 Sat down, he came out, the old blond bomber. 53 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,880 (IMITATES ALARM) 54 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,600 Crisis! Crisis! 55 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,000 Shitting his pants. 56 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000 (IMITATES ALARM) 57 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:56,000 (AS BORIS JOHNSON) "I said, we're following the science. 58 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:56,500 (AS BORIS JOHNSON) "I said, we're following the science. 59 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,800 Following the science. 60 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,000 I said, you must stay indoors. 61 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,480 I said, you must stay indoors. 62 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,000 Indoors. Mm. 63 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,080 Indoors. Mm. 64 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,240 Protect the NHS. Protect the NHS. 65 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:25,640 Save the lions. Save all the lions." 66 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,440 Anyway... 67 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,480 Fuck that, I'm off to a party. 68 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,000 (LAUGHTER) 69 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,320 What I knob. 70 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,440 What's an absolute prick. 71 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,000 (LAUGHTER) 72 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,480 (LAUGHTER) 73 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,000 Wasn't funny. Wasn't funny, COVID, nothing funny about it. 74 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,400 Wasn't funny. Wasn't funny, COVID, nothing funny about it. 75 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,000 A lot that was annoying. Oh. 76 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,400 There was a group of people who made me want to shit and stamp in it, 77 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,000 they did. They made me want to shit and stamp in it. 78 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,160 they did. They made me want to shit and stamp in it. 79 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,200 They're what I called the nose out people. Nose out. 80 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,000 These people put a mask on, pop their nose over the top. 81 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,720 These people put a mask on, pop their nose over the top. 82 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,760 (LAUGHTER) 83 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,000 Fucking hated the nose out people. 84 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:16,500 Fucking hated the nose out people. 85 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,400 We weren't sure if they worked. We weren't sure. 86 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,000 Now it's definitely not working, mate, is it, eh? 87 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,160 Now it's definitely not working, mate, is it, eh? 88 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,400 (LAUGHTER) 89 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,480 Your big trumpet coming over the top. 90 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,400 (LAUGHTER) 91 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,000 Dewdrop on the end. 92 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,440 Dewdrop on the end. 93 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,480 (LAUGHTER) 94 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:40,000 I quite liked wearing a mask, I quite liked wearing a mask, 95 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,440 I quite liked wearing a mask, I quite liked wearing a mask, 96 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,720 because I was incognito again, ain't I? 97 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,400 I mean, incog-nito. 98 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:48,000 I'm a very famous man. I don't know if you know. 99 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,120 I'm a very famous man. I don't know if you know. 100 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,160 I am properly famous. 101 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,200 (CHEERING) 102 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,560 Me. Donny Osmond. David Cassidy. 103 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:03,240 We can't walk the streets. Can't walk the streets. 104 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,400 Suddenly I've got a mask on. I can do what I like. It's quite nice. 105 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,400 I'm doing regular things. 106 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,400 I'm going to the supermarket. 107 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:12,000 Following the arrows. 108 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,120 Following the arrows. 109 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,120 Following the arrows doing the right thing. 110 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,000 Keeping my distance. 111 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:20,500 Keeping my distance. 112 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,400 Sorry, pal. Sorry. Sorry about that. 113 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,960 Back off, bruv. Christ's sake. What are you doing? 114 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,000 (LAUGHTER) 115 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,000 (LAUGHTER) 116 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,400 Suddenly, nose out person comes in. 117 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,440 Murderer! 118 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,800 (LAUGHTER) 119 00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:37,840 Murderer in the house! 120 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,440 Not having this. I'll sort this out. 121 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:44,000 Double back. Double back. 122 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,440 Double back. Double back. 123 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,720 I forgot something. Just double back. A bit crafty. 124 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,600 As they came round the corner, 125 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,760 I just used to flip my cock out over the top of my trousers. 126 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,800 (LAUGHTER) 127 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,400 (CONTINUED LAUGHTER) 128 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:08,000 Is this not how you wear jeans? 129 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,520 Is this not how you wear jeans? 130 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,840 (LAUGHTER) 131 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,520 (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) 132 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,240 I thought as long as you covered your ballbag up... 133 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:23,400 (LAUGHTER) 134 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:24,000 ..you was inside the Government guidelines. 135 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,600 ..you was inside the Government guidelines. 136 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,000 That's gone a bit funny an' all, the ballbag lately. 137 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,280 That's gone a bit funny an' all, the ballbag lately. 138 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,640 The older men will tell you, my ballbag's gone a bit leathery. 139 00:06:40,180 --> 00:06:42,280 It has. It's gone thick and stiff and leathery. 140 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,320 It's lost its va va voom, my ballbag. 141 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,560 I was going to take it to The Repair Shop on the telly. 142 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,920 (LAUGHTER) 143 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,000 They work wonders on that show with a bit of leather. 144 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:56,500 They work wonders on that show with a bit of leather. 145 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:03,400 Get the wife to take me in on a stretcher. 146 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,000 Tea towel on me nut for a bit of privacy. 147 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,600 Tea towel on me nut for a bit of privacy. 148 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,440 Just pull me ballbag through the dip. 149 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,000 They'll all be over, all the experts in their 10 pairs of glasses 150 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:16,400 They'll all be over, all the experts in their 10 pairs of glasses 151 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,400 all checking it out. 152 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,000 Old Jay Blades will be over. 153 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,400 Old Jay Blades will be over. 154 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:26,400 "They been in the family long, babe? They been in the family long? 155 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,000 I'll bet they were beautiful in their day. 156 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:28,880 I'll bet they were beautiful in their day. 157 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,920 I'll bet they were beautiful. 158 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,000 We'll do what we can for you, luv, we'll do what we can." 159 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:36,500 We'll do what we can for you, luv, we'll do what we can." 160 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,400 My wife will be trying. She's always crying. 161 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,000 "Oh, do what you can for me, please. 162 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:44,500 "Oh, do what you can for me, please. 163 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,920 I have to touch 'em, I do. I have to touch 'em." 164 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,800 (LAUGHTER) 165 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,000 Lucky cow. Lucky cow. 166 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:52,560 Lucky cow. Lucky cow. 167 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,800 No, it wasn't funny. It was horrible. 168 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,200 And it was a tough couple of years, wasn't it? 169 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,000 Being stuck indoors for two years. 170 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,400 Being stuck indoors for two years. 171 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,400 With your partner. Oof. 172 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,960 Oooof. 173 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,000 I love my wife. 174 00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,400 I love my wife. 175 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,960 She is the other half of me. 176 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,000 She completes me. 177 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,440 She completes me. 178 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,400 Without her, I would be in the gutter, 179 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,480 apparently. (LAUGHTER) 180 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,000 That's what she tells me. 181 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,560 And I go home after... I've had a few drinks. 182 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,000 I lay in the bed beside her talking bollocks. 183 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:35,400 "You saved me, baby. You saved me. 184 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,440 I was lost before I met you." 185 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:40,000 She goes, "Shut the fuck up! 186 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,440 She goes, "Shut the fuck up! 187 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,800 Get over there. You stink." 188 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,840 (LAUGHTER) 189 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,200 It's the last surviving bit of domestic violence, innit? 190 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:55,440 The female push-punch. 191 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,440 Strikes you a blow. 192 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,880 It's just, wanna get the... (HIGH VOICE) 193 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,720 It's the strangest thing being a man, 194 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:10,000 knowing you walk in the kitchen some mornings 195 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,000 and she looks across the kitchen at you. She... 196 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,320 and she looks across the kitchen at you. She... 197 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,360 She's biting her bottom lip. 198 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,240 She hates you. 199 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,000 That day, she fucking hates you. 200 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:20,720 That day, she fucking hates you. 201 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,200 (LAUGHTER) She doesn't want to. 202 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:26,880 But she does, she's looking at you. "I fucking hate you today. 203 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,600 Your fucking hairy toes and your fucking stupid shirt. 204 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,000 Fucking flip flops? Fucking idiot." 205 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:36,680 Fucking flip flops? Fucking idiot." 206 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,720 (LAUGHTER) 207 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,680 You can't... You've done nothing wrong. 208 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,000 You've just got up, made yourself a nice cup of tea. 209 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,360 You've just got up, made yourself a nice cup of tea. 210 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,640 And you can see that hate stare across... 211 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:52,000 You say the wrong thing on a day like that, she'll come up and say, 212 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,480 You say the wrong thing on a day like that, she'll come up and say, 213 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,520 "Get out of my fucking face!" 214 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,320 (LAUGHTER) 215 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,000 All right, babe. Easy. Easy. 216 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:00,800 All right, babe. Easy. Easy. 217 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,000 We've all got habits that drive each other mad. We've all got habits. 218 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,080 We've all got habits that drive each other mad. We've all got habits. 219 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,320 My wife's got one. 20 years I've been putting up with this. 220 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,000 She calls me out of earshot. Just far enough away. 221 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,720 She calls me out of earshot. Just far enough away. 222 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,320 I can hear her little voice at the top of the house. 223 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,720 (IMITATES FAINT VOICE) 224 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,000 (LAUGHTER) 225 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:24,760 (LAUGHTER) 226 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,360 (IMITATES FAINT VOICE) 227 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:39,680 I'll say, "How can I hear you all the way up there? 228 00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:41,920 I'm trying to watch Bargain-Loving Brits." 229 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,360 "Uh..." (LAUGHTER) 230 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,000 This wasn't such a problem when we lived in little houses. 231 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,440 This wasn't such a problem when we lived in little houses. 232 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,520 All right, easy, easy. 233 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,000 Easy. 234 00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,360 Easy. 235 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,320 I ain't gotta apologise for it. 236 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,000 I love my big house. 237 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,320 I love my big house. 238 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,320 I don't think we have to go, "Ohh, I feel so guilty." 239 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,960 Oh, I don't. (LAUGHTER) 240 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,320 So don't get me wrong. I know there's a cost of living crisis. 241 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,000 No-one knows more than me. (LAUGHTER) 242 00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,320 What? 243 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:25,440 My driver don't stop going on about it, he don't. 244 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,480 Easy. Easy. 245 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,640 I bought him a Ninja Air Fryer to shut him up, I did. 246 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:35,400 I didn't know what the fucking thing is. What's he do, fight with it? 247 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:36,000 (LAUGHTER) 248 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:36,640 (LAUGHTER) 249 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,680 Whoo! Right. 250 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:44,000 So I go to the middle of the house. Middle of the house. 251 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:47,320 I say, babe, how can I hear you all the way down there? 252 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,600 What are you...? What? (IMITATES FAINT VOICE) 253 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,000 (SIGHS) Oh, fuck's sake. 254 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:52,760 (SIGHS) Oh, fuck's sake. 255 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,560 So I go to the top of the house. 256 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,560 She's got a boudoir. 257 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,000 It's a boudoir. All her clothes are up there and everything. 258 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:01,560 I said, "Babe, how many times have we talked about...? 259 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,560 I really feel it's the duty of the caller, 260 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,560 the person doing the calling, to at least make their way, 261 00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:09,600 some way towards the callee. 262 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:14,560 You know, the poor innocent party in this torrid affair. 263 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,000 I'm trying to watch a bit of Bargain... 264 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:16,560 I'm trying to watch a bit of Bargain... 265 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:20,120 Why have I got to come all the way up here 266 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,200 to see what you've got to say? 267 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:24,000 I've got a sneaky suspicion it's going to be bollocks. 268 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,680 I've got a sneaky suspicion it's going to be bollocks. 269 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,720 (LAUGHTER) 270 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,200 She said, "You had to come up. 271 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,000 I've put new handles on that dressing table." 272 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:40,720 I've put new handles on that dressing table." 273 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,400 (LAUGHTER) 274 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,440 "I need to know what you think." 275 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,160 "I don't think anything, babe." 276 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,320 (LAUGHTER) 277 00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:00,240 Put some clothes in it. Put some clothes in it. 278 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:04,000 No, I think men and women generally get on much better now. 279 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,280 No, I think men and women generally get on much better now. 280 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,240 I think we've ironed a lot of shit out, haven't we? 281 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:09,880 (WORRIED LAUGH) 282 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,000 A bit reticent there. "No..." 283 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:12,600 A bit reticent there. "No..." 284 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:16,360 But there are flashpoints. I find Saturday mornings a flashpoint. 285 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:20,000 Saturday morning about past ten, men tend to lay there on the settee. 286 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:20,520 Saturday morning about past ten, men tend to lay there on the settee. 287 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,520 We're thinking about our lives, the Janes, the Jeans 288 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,520 and the might-have-beens, 289 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,560 and picking our feet. 290 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,200 You know we like to pick our feet on the settee and... 291 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,520 She comes in and starts on you, starts telling you 292 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,720 how the day is going to unfold, 293 00:13:36,260 --> 00:13:38,680 how the weekend's going to go, 294 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,760 how your life is going to pan out. 295 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,280 (LAUGHTER) 296 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,000 You know when you walk out the door, ladies, we go... 297 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,960 You know when you walk out the door, ladies, we go... 298 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,000 (MOUTHS) (LAUGHTER) 299 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:52,000 (MOUTHS) (MEN CHEERING) 300 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,160 (MOUTHS) (MEN CHEERING) 301 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,080 Just for a minute we feel tasty again. 302 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,000 We feel a bit tasty. 303 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:00,500 We feel a bit tasty. 304 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,200 We walk around the front room, "Don't talk to me like that 305 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,080 in my own house." (LAUGHTER) 306 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,120 Shiz. 307 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,120 We're slightly broken now, men. 308 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,040 We are. You've done a cracking job, ladies. Well done. 309 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,000 (WOMEN CHEERING) Well done. 310 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,400 (WOMEN CHEERING) Well done. 311 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,480 Yeah. Yeah. 312 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,000 Oh, no, lads. I've got this. I've got this. Don' worry. 313 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:24,520 Oh, no, lads. I've got this. I've got this. Don' worry. 314 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:30,200 When was the last time you saw a proper flash bastard? 315 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,000 Men used to be flash Friday night. 316 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:37,040 New shirt, few quid in their pocket, walking down the street. 317 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,000 Oi, oi. Going down the rub-a-dub. Oi, oi. 318 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,200 Oi, oi. Going down the rub-a-dub. Oi, oi. 319 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,240 People would shout out, "Wanker!" 320 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,280 (LAUGHTER) "That's me." 321 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,200 See ya down the pub. 322 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:55,200 Not any more. Men don't walk about like that. We're broken. 323 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,000 Men walk about a bit stooped now. 324 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,480 Men walk about a bit stooped now. 325 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,240 Looking at their shit shoes. 326 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,360 Apologising all the time. 327 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,000 "I'm sorry I was born with a penis. 328 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,440 "I'm sorry I was born with a penis. 329 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,360 Sorry. Sorry about that. 330 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,920 Sorry for being so toxic. 331 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,560 I can't believe you're even looking at me really. 332 00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:31,560 Oh, yeah. And sorry for inventing everything." 333 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,600 (LAUGHTER) (MEN CHEERING) 334 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,200 "And building everything. 335 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,840 And maintaining everything." (MEN CHEERING) 336 00:15:44,380 --> 00:15:45,880 "For 300 years." (MEN CHEERING) 337 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,440 "You're welcome, ladies. 338 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:54,200 Enjoy your hot yoga." (LAUGHTER) 339 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,520 Well done, lads. That was great. 340 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,520 I knew I could rely on you in Wales. 341 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,960 I did that in Brighton the other day. They were a bit like, "Mm. 342 00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:10,160 Oh, darling, I don't agree with this, darling. 343 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,160 I'll go down on you later. That'll cheer you up. 344 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,000 How many hours do you want tonight? 345 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,200 How many hours do you want tonight? 346 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,520 You know I'm a feminist." 347 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,520 Anyway... 348 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,000 I think my... I think my dad was non-binary in the 1970s 349 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,520 I think my... I think my dad was non-binary in the 1970s 350 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:38,800 and I think he was the first non-binary person. 351 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,520 Cos sometimes for weeks on end 352 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,960 my mum would only refer to him as that and it. 353 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,000 (LAUGHTER) 354 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,160 She'd say, "Tell that out there. 355 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,560 Your fuckin' dinner's in there." 356 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,960 He also identified as a piece of shit for quite a while. 357 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,000 (LAUGHTER) 358 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,000 (LAUGHTER) 359 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,480 Hi, I'm Jim, and I identify as a piece of shit. 360 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,000 Let's talk about comedy for a while. The state of comedy. Mm-hm. 361 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,960 Let's talk about comedy for a while. The state of comedy. Mm-hm. 362 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,760 27 years I've been doing this shit, right? 363 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,000 27 years coming up now. 364 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,440 27 years coming up now. 365 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,480 (CHEERING) Ooh. 366 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,000 The game has changed. Oh, the game has changed, yeah 367 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,440 The game has changed. Oh, the game has changed, yeah 368 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,680 Cos you used to be able to say what you liked. You were in charge. 369 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:44,000 The comedian said things. If you laughed, we all had a laugh. 370 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:44,680 The comedian said things. If you laughed, we all had a laugh. 371 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,680 If you didn't like it, you didn't laugh. 372 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,680 Occasionally you'd go, "Oh. 373 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,680 Oh." 374 00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:54,720 That was an indication I'd gone too far. 375 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,120 There's probably someone in this room now having a terrible time. 376 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,000 They might have a leather ballbag. What do I fucking know? 377 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,360 They might have a leather ballbag. What do I fucking know? 378 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,280 (LAUGHTER) I can't check everything. 379 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,120 (LAUGHTER) 380 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,000 But now people go online. They've got a phone and some fingers. 381 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,120 But now people go online. They've got a phone and some fingers. 382 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,160 They go, "Hm. 383 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:14,960 I'm going to send a message to my four followers. Hm." 384 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,280 I've got a message for these people. 385 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,320 Please fuck off. 386 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,000 Fuck off. (CHEERING) 387 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:24,520 Fuck off. (CHEERING) 388 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:32,000 Get a sense of humour, you miserable pricks. 389 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:32,600 Get a sense of humour, you miserable pricks. 390 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,640 (CHEERING) 391 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,600 People used to get offended. People always have been. 392 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,000 Not any more. People are triggered now. 393 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:40,800 Not any more. People are triggered now. 394 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,520 It's very important if people are triggered, 395 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,800 you've got to take notice. People say, I was triggered. 396 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:47,960 You say, "Mm? Were you triggered? Mm." 397 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,800 Why's triggered so important? Have you been triggered? 398 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,800 How does it feel? Do you shit yourself? 399 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,840 Do you get ill? Do you go blind? 400 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:02,280 "I was triggered, triggered, triggered. My God." 401 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,800 I've never been triggered. 402 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,360 I've not. I'm obviously too thick. 403 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,800 I'm so thick and insensitive. 404 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,960 Don't have the essential gravitas to be triggered. 405 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,800 I think I was triggered the other day. 406 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,800 Let me tell you the story. 407 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,800 I don't watch the news. Who does? 408 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,000 It's traumatic, horrendous stuff. 409 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:28,800 It's traumatic, horrendous stuff. 410 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,800 I feel I should know what's going on. 411 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,840 So I watch it on times 30, the news. 412 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,800 I do. 413 00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:38,880 I record it, put it on times 30 and it goes... 414 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,320 It still upsets me. I say, oh, fucking hell. 415 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,000 I put the button on, record the news. 416 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:44,800 I put the button on, record the news. 417 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,800 And I went to leave the room. I heard the woman say, 418 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,800 "Coming up first, a very, very controversial report 419 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,840 about a trans swimmer." 420 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,160 Aye, aye. I thought, "Let's..." (LAUGHTER) 421 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,200 "Let's have some of this. 422 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,880 We're going to watch this in real time, baby. Real time. 423 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,000 They showed her coming out for a race. 424 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,840 They showed her coming out for a race. 425 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,840 He was a big 'un. 426 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,880 (LAUGHTER) 427 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,840 Twice the size of the others. 428 00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:27,800 These four little girls were walking along behind and they're looking up. 429 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,840 Their little faces. 430 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,800 Anyway, she won by about an hour, about an hour. 431 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,960 She was fast. She was like a motorboat. 432 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,000 She turned that pool into a lava. 433 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:40,840 She turned that pool into a lava. 434 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,800 And I was triggered. 435 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,000 I was genuinely triggered. Not... It was the injustice of it. 436 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:48,800 I was genuinely triggered. Not... It was the injustice of it. 437 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,800 Because, you know, I'm about justice. 438 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:55,360 You can see that, can't you? You can look and go, Micky's about justice. 439 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,000 You can see it. 440 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:56,800 You can see it. 441 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,800 When I was growing up, they called me Micky Justice. 442 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,800 I was called Micky Justice. If people wanted justice, they'd say, 443 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,000 "Mick, we need justice." 444 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:04,800 "Mick, we need justice." 445 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,600 I'd go, "I'll give you justice, suckers." 446 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,080 So I was triggered. I was really upset. 447 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,000 I was stomping round the room. 448 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,800 I kicked the coffee table up in the air. 449 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:18,040 My wife come in. She said, "What on earth is going on?" 450 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,000 I say, "Babe, I'm triggered." 451 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:20,500 I say, "Babe, I'm triggered." 452 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,280 She said, "What, you?" I went, "Yeah, I can be triggered." 453 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,000 She said, "What do you think it's about?" I said, "I don't know." 454 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,040 She said, "What do you think it's about?" I said, "I don't know." 455 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:34,040 I said, "I'm just... Leave me. I need to process it. I need to process it." 456 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,000 I said, "Leave me in my safe space. Leave me in my safe space. 457 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,040 I said, "Leave me in my safe space. Leave me in my safe space. 458 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,360 Get me a can of Stella Artois. Look lively." 459 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,040 (LAUGHTER) 460 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,000 Dream on. Dream on. 461 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:44,500 Dream on. Dream on. 462 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,520 So she went off and I was starting to process it. 463 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,040 I have to underscore this bit. 464 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,000 Obviously, I have no problem with the trans community. 465 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:52,640 Obviously, I have no problem with the trans community. 466 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,640 Who's got a problem with the trans community? 467 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,920 Who wakes up in the morning and goes, "I'm not having this"? 468 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,000 "People turning into other people. I'm not having it." 469 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,120 "People turning into other people. I'm not having it." 470 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,520 (LAUGHTER) 471 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,440 Who is? People are too busy trying to pay their mortgage. 472 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,000 Pay their bills. Well, you lot but... 473 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,560 Pay their bills. Well, you lot but... 474 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,040 Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! 475 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,160 I... 476 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:16,000 You know what I'm saying. 477 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,040 You know what I'm saying. 478 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,520 Anyway, I started processing and what it was... 479 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:23,800 It was all wrapped up with going to a comprehensive in the 1970s 480 00:22:24,340 --> 00:22:27,520 and I was trying to work out, what's this all about? What's it all about? 481 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,520 Do you want to hear how bad my school was? 482 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,520 I'll tell you how bad my school was. 483 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,520 Wanna hear about the famous alumni? 484 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,440 The famous people who've been to my school. 485 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,520 Hundred years it's been there. 486 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,000 Ron and Reggie Kray. Oi, oi. 487 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,520 Ron and Reggie Kray. Oi, oi. 488 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,520 # Oh, you could leave your front door open 489 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,000 # Ron and Reg would make sure you're all right 490 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:48,840 # Ron and Reg would make sure you're all right 491 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,880 Me. (CHEERING) 492 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,560 And the three girls who ran off to be jihadi brides. 493 00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:58,000 (LAUGHTER) 494 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,040 How's that? (LAUGHTER) 495 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,840 They made us do a lot of sport in school. 496 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,680 Lots of sport. Get them to run around a bit 497 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,000 before they fuck off to the factory, wear 'em out. 498 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,440 before they fuck off to the factory, wear 'em out. 499 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,680 I didn't mind it in infants. I quite liked it in infants. 500 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,000 It was called PE then, wasn't it? PE in infants. 501 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,080 It was called PE then, wasn't it? PE in infants. 502 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,480 You'd be sort of like sitting in your little classroom 503 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:28,000 doing a bit of joined up writing with your tracing paper. 504 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:29,680 The teacher would go, 505 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,120 "We're doing PE now. Take all your clothes off." 506 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,160 (LAUGHTER) 507 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,680 "Sorry, miss?" 508 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,720 "Take all your clothes off." 509 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,000 "All of 'em?" 510 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:44,680 "All of 'em?" 511 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,720 "Not all of 'em, stupid!" 512 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,560 Keep your pants and vest on. 513 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,000 You had to go to the big school hall, massive school hall, 514 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,680 You had to go to the big school hall, massive school hall, 515 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,680 in your pants and vest. 516 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,000 Your frowsy pants and vest. 517 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,240 Your frowsy pants and vest. 518 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,960 Shameful frowsy pants and vest. 519 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,680 Got corned beef legs. 520 00:24:08,220 --> 00:24:10,680 Had no vitamin C for years. 521 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,600 Blotchy corned beef legs. 522 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,000 Skid marks on your pants. 523 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:16,720 Skid marks on your pants. 524 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,720 Oh, now I've got skidders. 525 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,000 Walking along the wall so no-one sees the skid marks. 526 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:24,640 Walking along the wall so no-one sees the skid marks. 527 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,880 Running up and down. Waaay! 528 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,000 Waaay! 529 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,840 Waaay! 530 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,880 Shout out the odd instruction. 531 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,920 Jump! Waaay! 532 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:40,000 Spin, if you like. (SHOUTS) 533 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,840 Spin, if you like. (SHOUTS) 534 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,440 And you went back in your classroom. 535 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:48,000 Put your clothes back on. 536 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,600 Put your clothes back on. 537 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,440 Then you go to secondary school. 538 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:56,000 Now the ante's gone right up. 539 00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:59,440 Now you got to do four hours on a bloody Friday morning 540 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:03,440 in some far-flung shithole, freezing cold, 541 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:04,000 to play a sport you don't even like. 542 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,440 to play a sport you don't even like. 543 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,000 Rugby. 544 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,040 (SOME JEERING) 545 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,000 Yeah. Yeah. What do I fucking know? 546 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,440 Yeah. Yeah. What do I fucking know? 547 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:18,440 Sir. Do I look like a public schoolboy? 548 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,000 Do I look Welsh? 549 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:20,500 Do I look Welsh? 550 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,520 (LAUGHTER) 551 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,440 Edwards to Barry John. 552 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:27,440 That's all I know. 553 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:28,000 Edwards to Barry John. 554 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,040 Edwards to Barry John. 555 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,640 I don't fucking know anything about rugby. 556 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,000 I want to do the cross turn. 557 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:36,680 I want to do the cross turn. 558 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,640 Big rule change now. Big rule change. 559 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,000 You got to take your pants off. 560 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,040 Teachers were obsessed with pants. 561 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:51,120 They were proper hard Northern teachers. Ex-army, ex-footballers. 562 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,000 "Take your fucking pants off," they'd say. 563 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,600 "Take your fucking pants off," they'd say. 564 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,920 "You bloody pansy bastard. Take your pants off. 565 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,000 I'll be checking an' all." (LAUGHTER) 566 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,160 I'll be checking an' all." (LAUGHTER) 567 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:06,000 I didn't want to take my pants off. Course I don't wanna take them off. 568 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,000 I ain't got a penis. (LAUGHTER) I ain't. 569 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:08,500 I ain't got a penis. (LAUGHTER) I ain't. 570 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,560 I hadn't been through puberty. I got no knob, no pubes, nothing. 571 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,000 But nothing there. 572 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:16,500 But nothing there. 573 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:21,040 I'd panic on Thursday, lay in bed tossing and turning. 574 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,880 "Oh, my God. I've got to take my pants off tomorrow. 575 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,200 Ain't it bad enough I'm free dinners. I'm free dinners. 576 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,960 I'm going to get a nickname in this school. 577 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,880 No Knob Free Dinners, that's what I'll get known as. 578 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,920 No Knob Free Dinners! (LAUGHTER) 579 00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:41,680 To make matters worse, we had... 580 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,640 A lot of Greek boys came to our school in the '70s 581 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,360 cos there was a war in Cyprus. 582 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,000 All these lovely Greek boys came to our school. 583 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:48,640 All these lovely Greek boys came to our school. 584 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,640 They weren't sure how bright they were. 585 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,120 So to protect them, they put them a bit lower. 586 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,000 So now I've got to get changed next to Vassos. 587 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:56,500 So now I've got to get changed next to Vassos. 588 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,640 He's six foot two, 589 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,000 hairy chest. 590 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:04,680 hairy chest. 591 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,320 It's got a massive knob hanging down. 592 00:27:12,180 --> 00:27:13,840 I'm trying to my pants off in the corner. 593 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:15,880 I've got my blazer on. 594 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:19,400 I'm looking at this... Fucking hell. 595 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,680 Vassos. 596 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,000 You sure you're 11 years old, man? 597 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:28,500 You sure you're 11 years old, man? 598 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,120 Don't give a fuck. 599 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,640 He's walking about, his knob's... 600 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:36,000 (DEEP VOICE) Yes, I am 11. 601 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:36,640 (DEEP VOICE) Yes, I am 11. 602 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,640 You can ask my wife. 603 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,360 She'll tell you, Maria. 604 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:52,000 This is where the justice came in, because our horrible PE teachers, 605 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:52,720 This is where the justice came in, because our horrible PE teachers, 606 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,640 our horrible games teachers would make us play rugby 607 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,800 against Vassos. "Get the ball to Vassos." 608 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,000 We're all trying to tackle him. "Get out of my way, Vassos here!" 609 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:02,720 We're all trying to tackle him. "Get out of my way, Vassos here!" 610 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,360 All going home, our faces smashed in. 611 00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:10,640 My mama'd say, what's happened to your face? 612 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:14,320 "I tried to tackle a man today, Mum, in rugby." 613 00:28:16,300 --> 00:28:17,800 "You won't do that again, will ya!" 614 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:23,640 Hated playing against Vassos. Terrifying. 615 00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:26,640 But when we played other schools, now we're winning, ain't we? 616 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,720 We've got fucking Vassos on our side. 617 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,000 We'd keep him back in the changing room. "Stay there, Vassos." 618 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:33,640 We'd keep him back in the changing room. "Stay there, Vassos." 619 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:38,640 The other school would turn up on a coach. They'd all get off. 620 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,000 We're all shaping up. 621 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:41,200 We're all shaping up. 622 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,360 When they're off the coach. "Vassos." 623 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:46,640 He'd come walking out. 624 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:48,000 Combing his moustache. 625 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:48,680 Combing his moustache. 626 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:55,280 His medallions glistening in the morning sun. 627 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,640 His knob's coming out the bottom of his shorts. 628 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,080 "Vassos is here!" 629 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,640 Then they'd play their trump card. 630 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,000 Off of their coach would walk Mwagenge Ototuju. 631 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,600 Off of their coach would walk Mwagenge Ototuju. 632 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:16,640 (LAUGHTER) 633 00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:23,640 Six foot nine. 634 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,680 From Nigeria. 635 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,720 Now for obvious reasons, I'm not going to do the accent. 636 00:29:36,260 --> 00:29:37,640 (LAUGHTER) 637 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,680 Ain't it terrible I'm not allowed? 638 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:44,000 Ain't it terrible? Who makes these rules?(BOOING) 639 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:44,520 Ain't it terrible? Who makes these rules?(BOOING) 640 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,680 Yeah. 641 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:50,880 I remember the first time I heard it. 642 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,000 I was going to the shop to get 10 No.6 for my mum, 643 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:54,640 I was going to the shop to get 10 No.6 for my mum, 644 00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:59,120 to Bill's, the newsagent's, and I was looking at the chews 645 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:00,000 and I was thinking, I'm going to get a chew with the change. 646 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,880 and I was thinking, I'm going to get a chew with the change. 647 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,640 And I heard over my shoulder, 648 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,600 "How much are your Golden Wonder crisps?" 649 00:30:16,180 --> 00:30:17,680 I thought, I like that. 650 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:22,640 I went home to my mum. 651 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:24,000 I said, "Mum, I'm going to talk like an African the rest of my life. 652 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,640 I said, "Mum, I'm going to talk like an African the rest of my life. 653 00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:29,640 I want to talk like an African and walk like an Egyptian." 654 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:31,640 That's all I ever wanted to do. 655 00:30:32,180 --> 00:30:33,680 She said, "OK, boy. 656 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,000 Not sure if we're going to keep that in, by the way. 657 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:40,500 Not sure if we're going to keep that in, by the way. 658 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:45,640 You can check on the recording whether that goes in or not. 659 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:48,000 So, yeah, it gave me the big 'un on the night. 660 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,800 So, yeah, it gave me the big 'un on the night. 661 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,640 Yeah. 662 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:56,000 He shit his pants in the editing suite. 663 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:57,160 He shit his pants in the editing suite. 664 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:00,680 This is, this is... 665 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:03,640 this is the fine line we walk in. 666 00:31:04,180 --> 00:31:05,680 My career could be in tatters. 667 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,640 Yeah. In a year's time I'll be sitting in the jungle 668 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,000 with all the other fucking idiots. 669 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:12,500 with all the other fucking idiots. 670 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:20,000 "Oh, Micky. Micky, can you tell us about your journey." 671 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:21,960 "Oh, Micky. Micky, can you tell us about your journey." 672 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:24,000 "Yeah, Cardiff it all went wrong. 673 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,000 They goaded me, didn't they? 674 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:28,680 They goaded me, didn't they? 675 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,640 Peer group pressure. 676 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,680 Did an African." "Oh." 677 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,000 (AS ANT OR DEC) "Oh, Micky boy, you've been picked to do a challenge. 678 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,200 (AS ANT OR DEC) "Oh, Micky boy, you've been picked to do a challenge. 679 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:43,520 Come over here, Micky. Come and eat this kangaroo's cock. Come on." 680 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:51,400 Got to try and get this show back on track at some point. 681 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:52,000 We're fucking recoding it. 682 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:53,320 We're fucking recoding it. 683 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:58,520 Cameras everywhere. Look! Geezer over here. 684 00:31:58,560 --> 00:31:59,640 Look. Fucking... 685 00:32:00,180 --> 00:32:01,640 This is the pressure I'm under. 686 00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:04,920 Look. This is the fucking pressure I'm under. 687 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:06,920 My arse is being filmed all night long. 688 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:08,000 (LAUGHTER) 689 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,440 (LAUGHTER) 690 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:11,920 Can't scratch it. 691 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:13,960 I can feel... 692 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:19,760 You try and have a camera up your arsehole for an hour and a half. 693 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:24,000 Not worried about being cancelled, don't give a shit. I really don't. 694 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,920 Not worried about being cancelled, don't give a shit. I really don't. 695 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:28,920 It's the younger ones I worry about. 696 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,960 It's the younger ones. I'm done now. I'm fucking done. 697 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:42,560 I know I'm turning into a silly old bastard. 698 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:46,040 I'm a proper silly old bastard. I've started collecting shit. 699 00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:51,560 I have. Elastic bands. String. 700 00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:53,640 I've got my little drawer in the kitchen. 701 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,640 I panic if it goes too low. 702 00:32:56,180 --> 00:32:57,680 "I'm getting a bit low in there." 703 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:02,400 I like a tin now. Love a tin. 704 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,000 Love a tin. 705 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:04,640 Love a tin. 706 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:08,000 Got a hamper recently from a TV company trying to woo me 707 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:10,640 back on the telly. Right? Will you come back? 708 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:12,000 I said, No, I can't come back. I'm not a nonce. Right? 709 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:13,520 I said, No, I can't come back. I'm not a nonce. Right? 710 00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,560 (LAUGHTER) It's true. 711 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,640 Unbelievable, innit? 712 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:25,640 Anyway, let me get back on track. 713 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:28,000 Easy. I'm trying to make this fucking TV programming, right? 714 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:29,640 Easy. I'm trying to make this fucking TV programming, right? 715 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:31,640 Cut... 716 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,120 Got a hamper from the TV company. 717 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:39,600 I really do want to go back on TV because I think it's brilliant, 718 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:41,680 to be honest with you. 719 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:44,000 Up there for thinking, down there for dancing. 720 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,720 Up there for thinking, down there for dancing. 721 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,680 We'll cut that in. 722 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:52,000 Hamper. Beautiful tin in it. I love a tin. 723 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:52,500 Hamper. Beautiful tin in it. I love a tin. 724 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:57,000 I said to my wife, "When the biscuits go, I want that tin." 725 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,360 She said, "It's yours, babe. It's yours." 726 00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:03,640 When I got it, I put it in my office. I got an office now. 727 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,000 No fucking idea why I've got an office. 728 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:07,640 I've got one. 729 00:34:08,180 --> 00:34:10,760 Now me and the dog have to sit there every day for a couple of hours. 730 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:14,000 Justifying the office, me and the dog sitting there. 731 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,000 The dog's on my lap looking at the computer. 732 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:17,000 The dog's on my lap looking at the computer. 733 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,960 Looking at me. What the fuck are we doing here, Daddy? 734 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:24,000 I've got a little cockapoo 735 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,000 I've got a little cockapoo 736 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:30,280 because I'm a good man. My son drove me mad a few years ago. 737 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,000 About nine years ago I went and got him a cockapoo. 738 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,080 About nine years ago I went and got him a cockapoo. 739 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:35,120 I said, "They go, I'm done." 740 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,040 Guess whose dog it is now? 741 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,000 My dog. 742 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,160 My dog. 743 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,920 He's out every night with his mates. Wife's out with her friends. 744 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:47,000 Me and the dog walking about in this big house. 745 00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:48,000 She won't take her eyes off me. "Daddy, don't go out there, Daddy. 746 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:50,920 She won't take her eyes off me. "Daddy, don't go out there, Daddy. 747 00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:56,000 Saw that thing about the Bully XLs on the news the other day, Daddy. 748 00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,040 Daddy... Daddy! 749 00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:03,480 Daddy, come on, open a bottle of wine, Daddy. Open a bottle of wine. 750 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:08,360 You can hide it in the bottom of the recycling. She won't know. 751 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,000 Go and get me a bone out of the freezer, come on. 752 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,000 Go and get me a bone out of the freezer, come on. 753 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:15,640 We can watch Fools And Horses. Come on, Daddy." 754 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,000 I love my little dog. 755 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:21,000 I love my little dog. 756 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,000 She's exactly the same face when she gets.... 757 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,720 When she gets in trouble, she pulls exactly the same face as me. 758 00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:28,000 Sometimes she does a poo in the house, very rare, 759 00:35:28,500 --> 00:35:30,360 and I say, "You done a poo-poo, ain't ya?" 760 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,920 She gets so upset, she turns around, looks in the corner, 761 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:36,000 her head drops down like that. It's tragic. 762 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:37,000 her head drops down like that. It's tragic. 763 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:41,040 It's exactly how I'll go when my wife accuses me of having a wank. 764 00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:42,360 (LAUGHTER) 765 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,000 It's exactly the same look. 766 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:44,500 It's exactly the same look. 767 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:49,440 Which is not that often these days, I'll be honest with you, 768 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,000 but she's always right. (LAUGHTER) 769 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:52,500 but she's always right. (LAUGHTER) 770 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:55,560 She comes in, she looks... She's like a witch. 771 00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:00,000 "You've had a wank, ain't ya?" 772 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:03,000 I'll just look away. I'll just turn... 773 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:08,000 "I was thinking about you, babe. I was thinking about you. 774 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,120 I was. I was thinking about you." 775 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:16,000 So I got the tin. I put it in my office. It was gnawing away at me. 776 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:17,000 So I got the tin. I put it in my office. It was gnawing away at me. 777 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,000 "I've got to find something for that tin. 778 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,440 It's going to waste. I've got to find something." 779 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:24,000 And then I remembered I had some hard drives in the loft. 780 00:36:24,500 --> 00:36:26,320 We recorded every show. 781 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,440 That's not a good sentence, that. "Hard drives in the loft." 782 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,000 Oh, yeah. They're up there. 783 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:32,500 Oh, yeah. They're up there. 784 00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:34,960 They've got the old shows on 'em. 785 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,120 I record the shows, watch them back so I remember stuff. 786 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,000 So got them down, I put them on the desk, 787 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:41,160 So got them down, I put them on the desk, 788 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:43,120 I put them on the desk, 789 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,880 thought, OK, let's see if they'll fit in this tin. 790 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,120 This'll make my day. 791 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:48,000 First went in, beautiful. Second one, like a glove. 792 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,120 First went in, beautiful. Second one, like a glove. 793 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:53,120 Flick the lid over. Oh, fucking buzzing now. 794 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,160 Fucking buzzing, right. 795 00:36:57,160 --> 00:37:00,120 When my wife come in, I went, know that tin? 796 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:04,000 The two hard drives from the last tour fit in it beautiful. 797 00:37:04,500 --> 00:37:06,120 And the lid goes over. 798 00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:08,360 I'm sorry. 799 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:12,000 She said, "It's time to go back to work, babe. Don't you think? 800 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:13,080 She said, "It's time to go back to work, babe. Don't you think? 801 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:16,440 Fuck me." She said, "You're getting proper boring lately." 802 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:19,120 Whoo. That hurt. 803 00:37:19,160 --> 00:37:20,000 When an older man gets called... I said, "Me, boring?" 804 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:23,120 When an older man gets called... I said, "Me, boring?" 805 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,240 I said, "Is it the gillet?" 806 00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:32,120 I fucking love my gillet. 807 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:35,120 When that gillet goes on, shit gets done. 808 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:36,000 I'm going to the dump. I'm clearing leaves. 809 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:37,560 I'm going to the dump. I'm clearing leaves. 810 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,760 Parking people up. "Come on, come on. 811 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:43,800 Hard right, hard right." 812 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,280 Everything annoys me now. It fucking annoys me. 813 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,000 People are fucking annoying, ain't they? 814 00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:52,760 People are fucking annoying, ain't they? 815 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,120 People are wankers, ain't they? Fucking... 816 00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:59,640 I try to stay calm. 817 00:38:00,180 --> 00:38:02,200 I try to stay calm, but people are uncivil! 818 00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,760 Civility was a big thing when I was growing up. 819 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:08,000 People would say, "Be civil." 820 00:38:08,500 --> 00:38:09,640 Hm... 821 00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,120 If you'd been out for the day... 822 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,120 My mum would line us up. She'd line us up. 823 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,120 She'd said, "We're going out for the day. 824 00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:16,000 Don't show me up. 825 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,120 Don't show me up. 826 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:21,120 She'd look at my old man and say, "And you, don't drink too much." 827 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,160 He'd go, "Bollocks." 828 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,120 You tried not to show yourself up. 829 00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:29,120 This has all gone out the window. 830 00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:31,120 All gone out the window. 831 00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:32,000 No-one gives a shit any more. (LAUGHTER) 832 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:33,120 No-one gives a shit any more. (LAUGHTER) 833 00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:35,440 My mother-in-law... 834 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:40,000 She loves a place called Camber Sands. I don't know if you know it. 835 00:38:40,500 --> 00:38:44,120 It's a beautiful Kent coastal town of sand dunes. 836 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:46,480 It's miles and miles. It's beautiful. She loves it, 837 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,000 my mother in law. She's quite posh. 838 00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:52,640 She said, "Mick." She said, "Mick, can we go to 'Caamber Saands'?" 839 00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:56,000 I said, "Camber Sands?" She said, "Yes, that's the one." 840 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,280 I said, "Camber Sands?" She said, "Yes, that's the one." 841 00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:00,120 I said, "Of course we can." We loaded up the car. 842 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:03,800 We went and got sandwiches from (WITH ACCENT) Pret a Manger. 843 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:11,120 Wine from the vintner. And we went to "Caamber Saands". 844 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,000 and we set ourselves up, deck chairs, windbreakers. 845 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,840 and we set ourselves up, deck chairs, windbreakers. 846 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:17,440 It was beautiful. Sun was shining, the world was a lovely place. 847 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:20,000 Then we heard 'em, coming over the sand dunes. 848 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:21,760 Then we heard 'em, coming over the sand dunes. 849 00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:27,080 Then we saw 'em, what can only be described as a cunt family. 850 00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:28,000 (LAUGHTER) 851 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:28,760 (LAUGHTER) 852 00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:30,800 Proper cunt family. 853 00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:36,000 We all gave each other that look. Fucking cunt family turning up. 854 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,760 We all gave each other that look. Fucking cunt family turning up. 855 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:40,800 Look at this lot. Look at this firm. 856 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:44,000 You could see they were cunts from about 100 yards. 857 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:45,760 You could see they were cunts from about 100 yards. 858 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,800 Hundreds of kids. Loads of dogs. 859 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:52,000 Carrier bags full of booze, fucking sound system. 860 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:52,760 Carrier bags full of booze, fucking sound system. 861 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,760 Here we fucking go. 862 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:56,800 Here we go. 863 00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:00,000 We had one last hope. 864 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:00,720 We had one last hope. 865 00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:02,720 They'd move on, find our own... 866 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:05,880 No, no, they like an audience, these people. 867 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,000 Plotted up in the middle of us. Fucking smoking, drinking. 868 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,520 Plotted up in the middle of us. Fucking smoking, drinking. 869 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:13,280 (GRUNTING) 870 00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:16,000 Oh. 871 00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:18,040 Oh. (LAUGHTER) 872 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:22,120 They fucking dug a hole in the sand. Massive hole in the sand. 873 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,000 Right? They're throwing all their rubbish in there. 874 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:25,120 Right? They're throwing all their rubbish in there. 875 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:30,120 Fag packets, crisp packets, fag box going in there. 876 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:32,000 I thought, it's to stop it blowing away. 877 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:32,800 I thought, it's to stop it blowing away. 878 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,120 They're not as thick as I thought. 879 00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:37,120 Oh, no. Oh, no. 880 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,160 Leader got up. Big fella. 881 00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:40,000 Got up. Ooh. He's showing his two teeth off to the others. 882 00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,120 Got up. Ooh. He's showing his two teeth off to the others. 883 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:45,160 Yeah, look at these two. 884 00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:48,000 Anyway, guess what he done? I couldn't believe it. 885 00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:48,800 Anyway, guess what he done? I couldn't believe it. 886 00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:50,960 He's kicked sand all over the rubbish. 887 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:56,000 Tamped it down. "Come on, cunt family leaving." 888 00:40:56,500 --> 00:41:01,400 And they all fucked off en masse, leaving us lot agog. 889 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:04,000 All the reasonable people. We were a mass of gog. 890 00:41:04,500 --> 00:41:07,320 Have you seen a mass of gog? 891 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:09,480 Have you seen a group of people just... 892 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:15,880 Some people were aghast. 893 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,440 One bloke was perplexed. 894 00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:28,000 Needless to say, we were very, very, very, very upset. 895 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,960 Needless to say, we were very, very, very, very upset. 896 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:35,560 My mother in law, a psychiatrist of some eminence and some standing, 897 00:41:36,100 --> 00:41:38,600 she looked at me. She said, "Mick, Miick, 898 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,760 I really think you should say something." 899 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:48,080 I said, "Funnily enough, Penelope, 900 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,440 I think I'm going to give it a miss." 901 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:58,400 Keith the caretaker once said to me in the Panther pub, 902 00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:00,000 "Micky, boy, you cannot educate a cunt." 903 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:01,360 "Micky, boy, you cannot educate a cunt." 904 00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,400 (LAUGHTER) 905 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:06,440 And I'm going with Keith on this one, if you don't mind. 906 00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:08,000 (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) 907 00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:08,500 (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) 908 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:16,000 I was still reeling from an incident a few weeks before. 909 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:17,400 I was still reeling from an incident a few weeks before. 910 00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,440 I'd woken up on a Sunday morning, slightly hung over, 911 00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,960 to hear scaffolders working on the house next door. 912 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:24,000 Ooh. Sunday morning, half seven, 913 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:25,160 Ooh. Sunday morning, half seven, 914 00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:29,960 I went down to the kitchen, said, "Babe, scaffolders working 915 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:32,000 next door. Sunday morning. It's not allowed. It's against the law. 916 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,680 next door. Sunday morning. It's not allowed. It's against the law. 917 00:42:33,720 --> 00:42:36,240 I'm going to sort it out. They'll know who I am. 918 00:42:40,220 --> 00:42:41,760 It will be fine." 919 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:43,760 I've walked out, ain't I? 920 00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:45,760 T-shirt, shorts. Slippers. 921 00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:48,000 "Excuse me, lads. Sunday morning. You know you shouldn't be working? 922 00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:49,360 "Excuse me, lads. Sunday morning. You know you shouldn't be working? 923 00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:52,440 The big one, laying the tin roof, he leant over the edge. 924 00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,000 He said, "Mick, come out that door again 925 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:57,760 He said, "Mick, come out that door again 926 00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:00,840 and I'm going to come down there and knock you spark out." 927 00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:02,880 (LAUGHTER) 928 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:12,000 I said, "You won't knock me out. You'll knock me out out." 929 00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,920 I said, "You won't knock me out. You'll knock me out out." 930 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:15,960 Hey! (CHEERING) 931 00:43:20,340 --> 00:43:22,800 Out of jail. Out of jail winner. 932 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:27,160 Crack on, I'm only having a bubble. 933 00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:28,000 What's the matter here? 934 00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:30,000 What's the matter here? 935 00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,360 I went in. I said, "Babe, I sorted that out. 936 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:36,000 Three teas, two coffees. 937 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:36,800 Three teas, two coffees. 938 00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:41,880 They're going to be in at 9:00 for a bit of egg and bacon. (MUMBLES) 939 00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,000 (LAUGHTER) 940 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:44,960 (LAUGHTER) 941 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,000 So... 942 00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:48,840 I'm getting it indoors at the moment. 943 00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:51,280 The wife's got a new game she plays with me. 944 00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:52,000 It's called "How old do you think she is?" 945 00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,040 It's called "How old do you think she is?" 946 00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:58,920 Every night we play it. I lay on this settee. 947 00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:00,000 She lays out on that settee. We try and watch a bit of telly. 948 00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:02,400 She lays out on that settee. We try and watch a bit of telly. 949 00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:06,080 Every 20 minutes she goes, "How old do you think she is?" 950 00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:08,000 Fuckin hell. 951 00:44:08,500 --> 00:44:12,160 I always go a bit over the top. I go 63. 952 00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:13,880 64, I reckon. 953 00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:16,000 She goes, "Stop it. I'll look it up." 954 00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:19,160 She goes, "She's 51." 955 00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:24,000 And I go, "Fucking hell. She's let herself go, babe, ain't she? 956 00:44:24,500 --> 00:44:26,160 Pisshead, I reckon. Smoker." 957 00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:32,000 She goes, "I'm doing better. Ain't I doing better than her?" 958 00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:33,400 She goes, "I'm doing better. Ain't I doing better than her?" 959 00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:36,400 I go, "Yes, you're doing better than her. 960 00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:38,440 Can we watch the film?" 961 00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:43,400 She stitched me right up the other day. 962 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:45,400 Proper stitch-up. 963 00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:47,880 She's come in the kitchen. A serious face on. 964 00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:52,000 She said, "Look at me, babe. Look at me. 965 00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:54,040 Am I getting a turkey neck?" 966 00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,440 For the younger men in the room... 967 00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:04,000 Who've not had the turkey neck question... 968 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:05,400 Who've not had the turkey neck question... 969 00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:09,400 I'm going to give you the answer to the turkey neck question. 970 00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:11,720 Store it for the future. 971 00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:16,400 You turn away, 972 00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:19,160 you reset yourself. You reset yourself. 973 00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:23,440 And you come back... 974 00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:27,400 a mixture of confused and angry, right? 975 00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,000 You go, "Wha... 976 00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:29,400 You go, "Wha... 977 00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,440 wha, wha... 978 00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:34,400 You? 979 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,000 Turkey neck? 980 00:45:36,500 --> 00:45:38,440 Leave it out, babe." (LAUGHTER) 981 00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:41,440 Your neck's a work of art. 982 00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:44,000 Michelangelo would be happy to have produced a neck like that. 983 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,400 Michelangelo would be happy to have produced a neck like that. 984 00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,400 It's like porcelain. 985 00:45:48,440 --> 00:45:50,680 Now stop it. You're being paranoid. 986 00:45:50,720 --> 00:45:52,000 Live your best life, sister. Live your best life. 987 00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:53,440 Live your best life, sister. Live your best life. 988 00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:57,880 Now, it is going a bit, right? It is going a bit. 989 00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:00,000 But I ain't fucking telling her, am I? 990 00:46:00,500 --> 00:46:04,040 I'd quite like to get my leg over at some point in the next 20 years. 991 00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:06,080 (LAUGHTER) 992 00:46:16,340 --> 00:46:18,800 What's happened to men? Many have gone a bit funny. 993 00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:20,840 What the fuck has happened to men? 994 00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:24,000 Obsessed with their looks now. 995 00:46:24,500 --> 00:46:27,080 Men in my generation, we never worried about our looks. 996 00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:29,200 We've got personalities. 997 00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:31,680 (LAUGHTER) 998 00:46:32,220 --> 00:46:35,520 We have. You go out with an older man 999 00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:39,080 and you'll be laughing and chaffing all night long. 1000 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:40,000 He'll be holding court, telling you stories. 1001 00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:42,080 He'll be holding court, telling you stories. 1002 00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:44,080 Younger men are not so confident, are they? 1003 00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:46,240 They're a bit more insecure. 1004 00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,000 It's all about looks. Have you seen young men's teeth lately? 1005 00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:49,240 It's all about looks. Have you seen young men's teeth lately? 1006 00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:52,240 What the fuck has happened to young men's teeth? 1007 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,280 The size of 'em! (LAUGHTER) 1008 00:46:55,440 --> 00:46:56,000 You see 'em coming down the road, don't you? You go, "Fuck me." 1009 00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:58,480 You see 'em coming down the road, don't you? You go, "Fuck me." 1010 00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:00,400 "There's a set of teeth coming down hard. 1011 00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:02,440 Look at the size of these. 1012 00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:04,000 Oh, they're attached to a bloke. Look." (LAUGHTER) 1013 00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:06,560 Oh, they're attached to a bloke. Look." (LAUGHTER) 1014 00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:10,080 "You seen my teeth?" 1015 00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:12,000 "Yeah, I saw them about an hour ago, mate." 1016 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,640 "Yeah, I saw them about an hour ago, mate." 1017 00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:18,400 "Where'd you get them teeth? 1018 00:47:18,440 --> 00:47:20,000 Turkey. I went to Turkey. 1019 00:47:20,500 --> 00:47:23,400 Got these massive nuggets." 1020 00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:28,000 Got muscles now, ain't they, all young men. 1021 00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:29,920 Got muscles now, ain't they, all young men. 1022 00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:36,000 They keep crying all the time. They don't stop crying. 1023 00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:40,400 They keep crying all the time. They don't stop crying. 1024 00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:44,000 In public. Men used to cry in private. Now it's in public. 1025 00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:44,500 In public. Men used to cry in private. Now it's in public. 1026 00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:46,480 On the telly. 1027 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:48,480 I was watching the telly a little while ago. 1028 00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,480 It was a lot of old nonsense called Traitors 1029 00:47:52,020 --> 00:47:53,480 and it was all about people voted on, voted off. 1030 00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:58,160 It was a bit of old shit. Got us as a family. Family viewing. 1031 00:48:00,020 --> 00:48:02,320 One bloke, he's met another fella and they bonded. 1032 00:48:03,520 --> 00:48:05,440 And his mate got voted off. 1033 00:48:05,480 --> 00:48:07,480 Oh, dear. The next morning 1034 00:48:08,020 --> 00:48:09,480 this fella's crying in the breakfast room. 1035 00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:12,960 "I can't believe he's gone. (CRYING)" 1036 00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:14,960 They've all gathered around him. 1037 00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:16,000 "Oh, come on. We can get through this. 1038 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:17,960 "Oh, come on. We can get through this. 1039 00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:20,440 This is part of your journey. 1040 00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:24,000 You'll grow from this." 1041 00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,680 You'll grow from this." 1042 00:48:25,720 --> 00:48:28,640 Nobody pushed through the crowd and went, "Stop it." 1043 00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:30,520 (LAUGHTER) 1044 00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:32,000 "You muggy cunt. What are you doing? 1045 00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:33,240 "You muggy cunt. What are you doing? 1046 00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:35,280 What are you crying for?" 1047 00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:36,800 (WHISTLING) 1048 00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:40,000 "You only knew him for 24 hours, you silly bastard." 1049 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:40,560 "You only knew him for 24 hours, you silly bastard." 1050 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:45,800 I want his mum to come in. "What are you crying for? 1051 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,000 Don't keep fucking crying. 1052 00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:48,500 Don't keep fucking crying. 1053 00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:51,880 I've told you about fucking crying." 1054 00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:53,920 (LAUGHTER) 1055 00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:58,960 Men used to be romantic. 1056 00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:02,400 If a man fancied a bird he would show his intention 1057 00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:04,000 by sending her a card, a box of chocolates, Interflora. 1058 00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:06,520 by sending her a card, a box of chocolates, Interflora. 1059 00:49:06,560 --> 00:49:08,520 A bunch of flowers. 1060 00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:09,960 What does she get now? 1061 00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:12,000 A picture of a cock. That's what she gets now. 1062 00:49:12,500 --> 00:49:15,960 A big veiny glistening cock on a Wednesday night. 1063 00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:17,440 "Here you go, sister. 1064 00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:20,000 In case you were having a bit of a down night. 1065 00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:21,600 In case you were having a bit of a down night. 1066 00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:24,000 This'll cheer you up, a big veiny cock." 1067 00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:26,480 (LAUGHTER) 1068 00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:28,000 Fucking madness. 1069 00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:28,760 Fucking madness. 1070 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:32,520 She's sitting in All Bar One with her friends. 1071 00:49:32,560 --> 00:49:36,000 "Oh, I ain't heard from that fella. I thought we clicked as it happens. 1072 00:49:36,500 --> 00:49:38,560 I thought we clicked. 1073 00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:41,560 Oh, look. He sent me a picture of his cock." (LAUGHTER) 1074 00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:43,600 "What do you think? Is he a keeper?" 1075 00:49:44,140 --> 00:49:45,640 (LAUGHTER) 1076 00:49:48,600 --> 00:49:52,000 It's the normalisation of noncery. 1077 00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:56,240 There's a reason they're called privates, 1078 00:49:56,280 --> 00:49:58,560 because they're private. 1079 00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,000 If you got to know someone, you got to see their privates. 1080 00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:02,200 If you got to know someone, you got to see their privates. 1081 00:50:02,240 --> 00:50:04,560 You could jump on 'em if you wanted to. 1082 00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:06,640 Do what you like. (LAUGHTER) 1083 00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:08,000 You never got to see people's private. 1084 00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:08,560 You never got to see people's private. 1085 00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:10,280 You had to get to know 'em well. 1086 00:50:10,320 --> 00:50:12,880 And then they'd say, "You can see my privates." 1087 00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:14,920 You'd go, "Ooh." 1088 00:50:16,420 --> 00:50:18,360 Now it's on the telly. 1089 00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:20,080 You put the telly on on Thursday night. 1090 00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:21,920 You flick through the channels. 1091 00:50:21,960 --> 00:50:23,760 Fucking five vaginas in a row. 1092 00:50:24,300 --> 00:50:25,800 Five cocks. 1093 00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:29,440 On the telly. On your telly. 1094 00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:34,600 It's called Naked Attraction. Have you seen it? 1095 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:37,280 This is a proper bit of TV. It's not a comedy show. 1096 00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:40,000 It's a proper show. They take it very seriously. 1097 00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:40,680 It's a proper show. They take it very seriously. 1098 00:50:40,720 --> 00:50:43,040 They're going to find a partner, apparently. 1099 00:50:43,080 --> 00:50:45,080 This is how you go about it. 1100 00:50:45,120 --> 00:50:47,200 (LAUGHTER) 1101 00:50:47,240 --> 00:50:48,000 The presenter takes it all serious. Fair play to her. 1102 00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,200 The presenter takes it all serious. Fair play to her. 1103 00:50:50,240 --> 00:50:53,640 You know, she's got this girl. "Come and look at the cocks. Come on. 1104 00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:55,680 Let's find you a partner. 1105 00:50:56,600 --> 00:50:58,880 Come on. 1106 00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:00,600 What do you reckon to that one? 1107 00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,640 (LAUGHTER) 1108 00:51:05,920 --> 00:51:08,560 "It's a bit like a cornet, isn't it? 1109 00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:11,120 Why's it thin at the bottom and fat at the end?" 1110 00:51:12,420 --> 00:51:14,880 "It's all right. We've got more cocks. Come on, babe. 1111 00:51:14,920 --> 00:51:16,920 Come down. 1112 00:51:18,920 --> 00:51:20,000 What do you reckon to that one?" 1113 00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:20,920 What do you reckon to that one?" 1114 00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:23,920 "It's a bit stubby, isn't it? 1115 00:51:25,560 --> 00:51:27,960 Is it a shower or a grower? 1116 00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:30,400 Did he say on the application form?" 1117 00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:33,800 "Get in and have a proper look at it. Go on. 1118 00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:36,000 No, don't smell it. Don't smell it. 1119 00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,000 No, don't smell it. Don't smell it. 1120 00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:40,120 What sort of show do you think this is?" 1121 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:46,960 Everyone's sex mad now. 1122 00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:48,960 Everyone's fucking sex mad. 1123 00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:51,000 We can't leave it alone. 1124 00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:55,320 I may as well tell you, people of Cardiff. 1125 00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:57,400 You may as well hear from me as anyone. 1126 00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:00,000 People have started licking each other's bumholes. (LAUGHTER) 1127 00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:01,720 People have started licking each other's bumholes. (LAUGHTER) 1128 00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:04,400 They have. I know, you're shocked, I'm shocked. 1129 00:52:06,560 --> 00:52:08,000 It's called rimming. (LAUGHTER) 1130 00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:08,560 It's called rimming. (LAUGHTER) 1131 00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:12,360 It's gone mainstream. 1132 00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:16,000 It used to be for the avant-garde, the BDSM community, the perverts. 1133 00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:19,840 It used to be for the avant-garde, the BDSM community, the perverts. 1134 00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:24,000 Not now. Everyone's rimming, rimming, rimming. 1135 00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:24,500 Not now. Everyone's rimming, rimming, rimming. 1136 00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:29,120 People you know, people you go caravanning with. 1137 00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:32,000 People in your book club, rimming, rimming, rimming, rimming, rimming. 1138 00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:35,160 People in your book club, rimming, rimming, rimming, rimming, rimming. 1139 00:52:36,360 --> 00:52:38,640 We're all under pressure now. 1140 00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:44,320 I'm going to nail my colours to the mast. 1141 00:52:44,360 --> 00:52:46,560 I don't want to rim. (LAUGHTER) I don't. 1142 00:52:47,360 --> 00:52:48,000 You want to rim, rim on. 1143 00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:49,840 You want to rim, rim on. 1144 00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:53,760 Rim on, but don't put me under pressure. 1145 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:56,000 Don't make me feel like some vanilla square 1146 00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:56,840 Don't make me feel like some vanilla square 1147 00:52:56,880 --> 00:52:59,960 just cos I don't want to lick where the poo-poo comes out. 1148 00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,000 Call me a nutter. 1149 00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:14,280 Don't want to rim. 1150 00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:16,320 I'm old school. 1151 00:53:17,320 --> 00:53:19,280 It's shocking for a man of my generation. 1152 00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:20,000 I started having sex in the late seventies. 1153 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,280 I started having sex in the late seventies. 1154 00:53:21,320 --> 00:53:24,640 You couldn't even get a blowjob. You couldn't get a blowjob. 1155 00:53:25,880 --> 00:53:28,000 I know the young men are going, "Leave it out, Mick." 1156 00:53:28,500 --> 00:53:30,080 You couldn't. You couldn't. 1157 00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:32,720 I've worked with old men in furniture factories. 1158 00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:34,280 Never had a blowjob. 1159 00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:36,000 Never had a blowjob. These men fought in the Second World War. 1160 00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:37,720 Never had a blowjob. These men fought in the Second World War. 1161 00:53:37,760 --> 00:53:39,280 (LAUGHTER) 1162 00:53:39,320 --> 00:53:41,840 You'd think that's the least they'd have got. 1163 00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:44,000 I used to say, "Ted, Terry, Terry, 1164 00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:44,880 I used to say, "Ted, Terry, Terry, 1165 00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:47,880 you heard about these blowjobs?" 1166 00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:50,760 "I've heard about 'em, Mikey Michael." 1167 00:53:52,460 --> 00:53:54,240 "Think you'll ever get one?" 1168 00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:56,600 "(EXHALES) 1169 00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:59,480 I can't see my Ethel doing that any time soon." 1170 00:54:00,020 --> 00:54:01,520 (LAUGHTER) 1171 00:54:02,720 --> 00:54:05,160 "She's a very house-proud woman, my Ethel." 1172 00:54:05,200 --> 00:54:07,200 (LAUGHTER) 1173 00:54:08,320 --> 00:54:11,280 Now people are licking each other's bumhole., 1174 00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:14,280 Progress. Is that what you wanted, people? 1175 00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:16,000 Is that what you wanted? You've got it. 1176 00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:17,440 Is that what you wanted? You've got it. 1177 00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:21,960 Every man in this room is under pressure now. 1178 00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:24,000 If it ain't happened yet you know it's in the post. 1179 00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:25,280 If it ain't happened yet you know it's in the post. 1180 00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:29,000 You're going to be sitting in the Toby Carvery one Sunday morning, 1181 00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:31,680 having a bit of fucking pork and apple. 1182 00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:35,320 And she's going to go, "Oi, you. 1183 00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:39,000 Oi, you, you're licking my bum later." 1184 00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:40,000 (LAUGHTER) 1185 00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:41,040 (LAUGHTER) 1186 00:54:44,520 --> 00:54:47,560 "Sorry, babe. A bit noisy in here. What was that?" 1187 00:54:48,100 --> 00:54:49,600 "You're licking my bum later." 1188 00:54:52,240 --> 00:54:53,720 You mean on the cheeks?" 1189 00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:56,000 "No, the ringpiece. You'll get right in there. 1190 00:54:56,000 --> 00:54:56,500 "No, the ringpiece. You'll get right in there. 1191 00:54:57,760 --> 00:54:59,720 Be a man. 1192 00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:01,720 Why should I go without? 1193 00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:03,760 What am I, chopped liver?" 1194 00:55:07,400 --> 00:55:11,000 "Do you mind if I don't, babe? Do you mind if I don't? 1195 00:55:11,040 --> 00:55:12,000 I've just had my teeth whitened. Look. 1196 00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:13,160 I've just had my teeth whitened. Look. 1197 00:55:13,200 --> 00:55:15,200 (LAUGHTER) 1198 00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:19,680 "The dentist said before I left, he said, 'No red wine, 1199 00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:23,720 no black coffee. Definitely no rimming. 1200 00:55:23,760 --> 00:55:25,760 (MUMBLES)" 1201 00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:27,800 (LAUGHTER) 1202 00:55:36,100 --> 00:55:37,600 So... 1203 00:55:40,240 --> 00:55:42,320 I've tried to cut down on the boozing. What do you think? 1204 00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:44,000 I thought 61 might be a good time to knock it on the head a bit. 1205 00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:45,600 I thought 61 might be a good time to knock it on the head a bit. 1206 00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:48,760 No. 1207 00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:52,000 Doctor's orders. Doctor's orders. 1208 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:52,720 Doctor's orders. Doctor's orders. 1209 00:55:52,760 --> 00:55:57,720 He said... No, you know I'm famous for fucking staying up too late. 1210 00:55:57,760 --> 00:55:59,720 I've cut my drinking down. 1211 00:56:00,260 --> 00:56:01,720 I don't drink during the week any more 1212 00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:03,720 and never in the morning any more. 1213 00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:05,720 (LAUGHTER) 1214 00:56:05,760 --> 00:56:08,000 Now I've got rules for myself now. 1215 00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:11,080 I start drinking on a Friday now about 4:00. 1216 00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:14,720 I put on a bit of Bargain-Loving Brits, a bit of The Chase, 1217 00:56:14,760 --> 00:56:16,000 crack the cabinet open and start having a few beers, 1218 00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:17,360 crack the cabinet open and start having a few beers, 1219 00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:19,720 have a few Scotches, 1220 00:56:19,760 --> 00:56:23,400 and then record the news and I go off and have something to eat. 1221 00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:24,000 And sometimes I catch the end of the news. It's the only bit I'll watch. 1222 00:56:24,000 --> 00:56:26,640 And sometimes I catch the end of the news. It's the only bit I'll watch. 1223 00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:28,720 The local end bit. I like it. 1224 00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:30,720 Because they do the vox pop then, don't they? 1225 00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:32,000 It's called the voice of the people, 1226 00:56:32,000 --> 00:56:32,720 It's called the voice of the people, 1227 00:56:32,760 --> 00:56:35,720 where they go to the high street and they talk to any fucker. 1228 00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:37,760 Just some random people. 1229 00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,000 Just bollocks at the end of the news. 1230 00:56:40,500 --> 00:56:41,720 Anything that's happening locally. 1231 00:56:41,760 --> 00:56:43,800 I was watching the news. London News. 1232 00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:46,000 You'd think they'd never run out of anything to say. 1233 00:56:46,040 --> 00:56:48,000 London News, London News, very, very important news. 1234 00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:49,440 London News, London News, very, very important news. 1235 00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:51,480 London News, London News. 1236 00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:56,000 I'm watching it. The woman said, 1237 00:56:56,500 --> 00:56:57,720 "Just to let you know, between Kennington and Moorgate 1238 00:56:57,760 --> 00:57:00,720 on the Northern Line, there's going to be partial closures. 1239 00:57:00,760 --> 00:57:03,880 You won't be able to get off at Bank for a while, hm." 1240 00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:07,720 I'm watching this. She said, "But don't worry, we sent a reporter 1241 00:57:07,760 --> 00:57:10,720 down to Bank Station to see how people feel about it." 1242 00:57:10,760 --> 00:57:12,000 This bloke's running about in Bank... 1243 00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:12,560 This bloke's running about in Bank... 1244 00:57:12,600 --> 00:57:15,120 Everyone's fucking him off, no-one wants to talk to him. 1245 00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:18,720 He's eventually cornered one bloke. "Excuse me, sir. 1246 00:57:18,760 --> 00:57:20,000 Between Kennington and Moorgate on the Northern Line, 1247 00:57:20,000 --> 00:57:21,600 Between Kennington and Moorgate on the Northern Line, 1248 00:57:21,640 --> 00:57:23,720 there's going to be closures. 1249 00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:25,720 You're not going to be able to get off at Bank for a while. 1250 00:57:25,760 --> 00:57:27,720 What are you going to do?" The fella said, 1251 00:57:28,260 --> 00:57:30,720 "Hold on. Let me think about this," he said. 1252 00:57:30,760 --> 00:57:33,720 He said, "What I'll do is I'll get on the Charing Cross branch. 1253 00:57:33,760 --> 00:57:36,000 I'll go to Embankment, cross over onto the District Line, 1254 00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:36,960 I'll go to Embankment, cross over onto the District Line, 1255 00:57:37,000 --> 00:57:39,720 go to Monument. And then I'll walk up. 1256 00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,000 And the bloke went, "OK, thank you, sir." 1257 00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:43,720 (LAUGHTER) 1258 00:57:44,260 --> 00:57:46,880 This is on the news! I'm watching it. I thought... 1259 00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:51,720 I thought, "Right! Accuse me of being boring? 1260 00:57:52,260 --> 00:57:53,720 I'll tell her. 1261 00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:57,720 I shouted up the stairs. "Cat, Cat! 1262 00:57:57,760 --> 00:58:00,000 You know between Kennington and Moorgate on the Northern Line? 1263 00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:01,360 You know between Kennington and Moorgate on the Northern Line? 1264 00:58:01,400 --> 00:58:04,120 It's going to be closed for refurbishment. 1265 00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:06,680 You won't be able to get off at Bank for a while." 1266 00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:08,000 "(IMITATES DISTANT REPLY)" 1267 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:08,720 "(IMITATES DISTANT REPLY)" 1268 00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:13,720 "Don't worry, they've sent someone down there. 1269 00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:15,720 To see how people feel about it." 1270 00:58:16,260 --> 00:58:17,760 "(IMITATES DISTANT REPLY)" 1271 00:58:19,360 --> 00:58:22,800 "This bloke said he's going to get on the Charing Cross branch, 1272 00:58:24,260 --> 00:58:25,720 go to Embankment 1273 00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:27,760 cross over onto the District Line, 1274 00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:30,760 go to Monument and then walk up. 1275 00:58:32,760 --> 00:58:36,720 She's at the door now. She's at the door now. 1276 00:58:36,760 --> 00:58:40,000 She said, "I really feel it's the duty of the caller... 1277 00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:40,720 She said, "I really feel it's the duty of the caller... 1278 00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:45,880 the person doing the calling, to at least make their way some way 1279 00:58:46,760 --> 00:58:48,000 towards the callee." 1280 00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:49,200 towards the callee." 1281 00:58:49,240 --> 00:58:50,720 (APPLAUSE) 1282 00:58:50,760 --> 00:58:53,720 She said, "Why have I got to come all the way down here 1283 00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:56,000 to listen to this bollocks?" 1284 00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:56,500 to listen to this bollocks?" 1285 00:58:58,760 --> 00:59:00,720 I said, "Easy. Easy. 1286 00:59:00,760 --> 00:59:02,960 Easy, babe. Easy, babe. 1287 00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:04,000 Touche, touche, sister. Touche." 1288 00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:05,800 Touche, touche, sister. Touche." 1289 00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:08,640 I said, "I've been laying here. I've had a few drinks, 1290 00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:12,000 I've been doing some thinking, doing some serious thinking. 1291 00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:12,500 I've been doing some thinking, doing some serious thinking. 1292 00:59:13,760 --> 00:59:15,760 If you get your neck done... 1293 00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:17,800 (LAUGHTER) 1294 00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:26,080 "Can I have the bit of skin to make a new ballbag?" 1295 00:59:26,120 --> 00:59:27,720 (LAUGHTER) 1296 00:59:28,260 --> 00:59:30,560 Hey. Thank you. Thank you. 1297 00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:38,760 Right. Ladies and gentlemen, 1298 00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:42,120 it's been a long tour. It's been a long tour. 1299 00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:44,000 And you always want to end on a high. 1300 00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:44,720 And you always want to end on a high. 1301 00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:46,520 Coming to Cardiff guarantees that. 1302 00:59:46,560 --> 00:59:47,720 You've been absolutely superb. 1303 00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:50,720 Thank you very much for coming to the show. 1304 00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:52,000 Enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you on the next tour. Thank you. 1305 00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:55,280 Enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you on the next tour. Thank you. 1306 00:59:55,320 --> 00:59:57,320 (WHISTLING) 1307 01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:48,000 "You think I am fucking Niki Lauda?" 1308 01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,040 "You think I am fucking Niki Lauda?" 1309 01:00:49,080 --> 01:00:50,880 AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk 129876