Original subtitles

I keep killing people I have sex with.

Promise me something?

Anything.

You'll never see him again.

Done.

I have lost the ability to perform.

You can't get it up?

Fix it without touching it.

Just undo whatever you did.

It's time to move on.

[crying]

You were just meant to change the hand towels, not

mess with the stock. Get out!

[theme music]

THEME SONG: There's one pit I like to hit,

and every evening we get set.

I stroke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy.

Off the nit goes out tonight, returns the break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves, and we

spoon like two turtledoves.

I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy.

Can you pass the milk?

Can you pass the toy at the bottom of the Cracklies box?

Certainly.

Having some trouble there?

It'll be fine.

[sigh] That went well.

This is ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.

You're being a complete cow to me.

What do you mean, cow?

Is it something you think I might have done,

or something you saw?

Are you high?

Should we go to the space?

Do we still do that?

- OK. - I miss you.

Shut up.

There's no sentiment in the space.

Would you stop being such a hard ass for just five minutes?

Sorry.

It's just, I've got something to tell you.

I've got something to tell you, too.

You go first.

No, no, you first.

I went first last time.

I swear, no matter what you have to tell me,

it won't be as bad as what I have to tell you.

Wrong.

Well, you go first, then.

No, you.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Let's just say it at the same time.

OK.

One.

Two.

- Three. - I kissed your dad.

I kissed Marcus.

What?

What What do you mean, you kissed my dad?

Yeah, it was nothing serious. It didn't mean anything.

Oh, well that's a relief.

It was after a birth workshop. I think I was hyperventilating.

- Oh my god. - It was just a kiss.

It was nothing else.

You mean the two of you didn't top it off

with a mutual masturbation session?

Don't be revolting.

When the hell did you kiss Marcus?

Who cares if I kissed Marcus?

You kissed my dad?

Yeah, well, so does your mom, but you don't get mad at her.

You kissed my dad.

Unbelievable.

Do I have to call you Mom now, Mommy?

Can you not?

Because it might take a while to get used to that.

Roo?

It's definitely worked.

No more psoriasis.

Jack's back.

I thought your name was Marcus?

Yeah.

Oh, never mind.

Hey, uh, are you, uh, a Famous Five fan?

I've got the box set.

You know, I think George is probably the first--

and last-- children's own adventure hermaphrodite.

Do you take credit card?

Uh-- you don't--

there's no payment.

You do this for free?

Yeah.

Weird.

What's weird about it?

Oh, I dunno.

Maybe weird's not the word I'm looking for.

It's more, um-- sad.

How is that sad?

I'm living the dream.

Right.

I'm sure all little boys grow up hoping

to live in caravan parks, having sex with chronic psoriasis

sufferers.

Could you pass me my underpants, please?

I can't sit here and chat all day.

My husband's taking me to Ubud for our second honeymoon.

Uh, thanks again.

I've been having a difficult day.

I sensed that. I sensed that.

And, you know, I came back here, and there you were.

Funking up your cabin with my man jazz.

I lashed out.

I accept your apology.

Let's never fight again.

I wasn't apologizing.

You've been hanging out with Roo a lot.

Maybe-- maybe there's a link.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Roo's got a bit of a habit of--

you know-- bringing people down.

You should have seen her after we'd had sex.

Whoa.

Barbara bad times.

Wait-- you've had sex with Roo?

Oh, yeah. Big time.

Right up it.

What?

When?

Oh, it was nothing serious.

Just two consensual adults bungee jumping

into each other's holes.

Beautiful day.

It's the kind of day that makes you think,

I wonder what the poor people are doing?

I'm thinking of chucking it in.

What?

Why?

Just been doing a bit of thinking lately.

Hey, screw thinking.

Are you nuts?

Why would you want to give away the dream?

Perhaps the thrill has gone.

Perhaps there never really was a thrill in the first place.

Oh, there was a thrill.

There was a palpable thrill, JB.

Intensely palpable.

There's gotta be more to life than boning

grateful women with halitosis.

So you're just going to walk away?

Is that it?

I haven't decided yet.

First EJ, then the terrarium.

Now this.

[knocking]

- Hello. - Oh.

Hi, Dad.

I'm not here to see you.

But I suspect you already know that.

Yes, I do.

So, if you could just excuse me, I'll--

Mom?

Your boyfriend's here.

- Oh, grow up. - Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up.

Don't worry, I--

I won't let this drag on any longer than it has to.

Understood.

We're both mature adults.

We can discuss this.

Absolutely.

I just want you to know, I get it.

You do?

You look at me, and you see all the answers.

I'm still a fit man, full head of hair.

It's-- it's confusing for you.

I-- I relate to that.

I do.

But I'm still in love with my wife.

Sorry?

It's hard to hear, I know.

It's hard to hear.

It is.

Mm.

It's tough.

Poor girl.

I don't know.

When I see you, I just--

I just want to throw myself at you.

Is that weird?

No.

Not at all.

I'm only human.

You can't-- put all this out there, and then not expect

something like this to happen.

No.

No, you can't.

[steady beeping]

Listen, before you start going on about spirit animals,

and Duran Duran, or whatever it is

you women like to bleat about in times of crisis,

I've got something to say.

I've decided to have sex with you.

Oh my god.

That--

Just stop.

I haven't finished.

I love you.

What?

I'm poleaxed by you.

Everything's come apart.

Makes me think about what it is you need.

How much you want to be rid of this--

curse.

You've done nothing but bang on about it since we met,

and frankly, I'm looking forward to a time

when you drop the topic, and move on to something

more interesting.

But seeing as I'm apparently in love with you,

I'm willing to sacrifice everything

in order to make you happy.

And believe me, this is-- this is new for me as well.

However, I-- I've thought about this thoroughly, and I'm--

I'm going to give you what you want.

That's-- I'm grateful.

Is there a catch?

Well, clearly.

I'm not going to sacrifice everything--

everything-- just so you can flit off back to little Jimmy

Make-A-Wish in the hospital.

No, if we're going to get intimate,

I want us to be together.

Family gatherings, breakfast in bed, DVDs on the couch.

And all.

That's how it goes.

I don't know what to say.

You felt it, too.

When we kissed.

And there was something there.

Something real.

And it can grow.

I just want to get rid of this thing.

And save Charlie.

So you're going to lie to Marcus?

That's shameful.

People lie to get other people into bed all the time.

Don't they?

I guess.

Maybe Marcus has a point.

Maybe I could learn to love him?

Oh my god.

There was a--

spark there when we kissed.

Or something.

Maybe it was asthma.

Maybe it's just because we get what

each other is going through.

In a weird way, we're connected.

How do you think Charlie's going

to feel when he finds out?

If he's better, do you think he'd mind so much?

What about if you knew something really disgusting

about Marcus?

How much worse can it get?

The man's practically Gollum.

What about if he had sex with your boyfriend's mom?

Jan?

I could work with that. - You couldn't.

Yeah, I could.

What if I told you that Jan makes

a sound that's not normal.

What are you talking about?

Jan had sex with Marcus.

What?

When? - Last week.

And I saw it.

Did it work?

That's your first question?

Did it work?

- Well, did it? - No.

She's still insane.

But what was wrong with her?

She made me watch her have sex.

I mean physically.

What was wrong with her?

What?

Nothing.

So she had to be actually sick for it to work?

Jan believes in him, too.

Sorry, you're fine with the idea of Jan's slops?

It's beyond slops.

It's about saving lives.

Anyway, it's just a business transaction

between two consenting adults.

It's not anymore, is it?

Marcus just told you he's in love with you.

I just don't know if I can ruin his life.

It's not my place to tell.

I mean, I know that.

You know, there comes a time in every man's life

when a burden needs to be shared, and I am carrying--

Oh, for god's sakes, get on with it.

I've got to get to choir.

It's about Graham.

Yes, I've gathered that.

And EJ.

Mhm.

Don't make me do a filthy mime.

I'm going.

They kissed.

Oh, how ridiculous.

Perfect timing.

You two have a lot to discuss.

I know sorry won't--

won't be enough.

This whole thing is idiotic.

Sleeping on your daughter's couch,

trying to kiss her friends?

Who do you think you are, Michael Jackson?

Did he kiss girls?

Just come home, and stop this nonsense.

It's not nonsense, Marion.

It's-- it's freedom of expression.

Just like it wasn't the '60s.

You were an obstacle course guide

for Outward Bound in the '60s.

So-- you'll take me back?

I never kicked you out in the first place.

You said you were going for a gumbo.

Oh, you.

Oh, dear.

New pressure points were applied.

Thank you, Reba.

Always happy to lend a hand.

And the edema rectified within--

the week.

Who uses a fax?

Only those who want a very real and reliable

interface with technology.

If this is another pie chart about electromagnetics--

Oh, sweet Jesus.

I'll assume that's a yes?

Roo is not equipped to deal with something like this!

She's a fawn in a forest.

She's like Bambi.

Her mother lying dead in the snow, shot by hunters.

Calm yourself, Gregory.

Think of your hernia.

Well, listen-- what--

listen to me when I tell you this,

is that we shouldn't be playing with people's lives!

Hardly playing.

You said it yourself--

it's the journey Roo and Marcus must take.

You knew there would be risks when you brought them together.

Yeah, but I thought there'd be fun ones.

I'm going to warn her.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Yes, but--

We are alternative therapy medical practitioners, Greg.

We can't interfere with fate.

I have, uh, three demands.

One, blinds open at all times.

If this is going to be our first attempt,

I want to make mental notes for future ventures.

Two, no music.

Uh, three-- eye contact.

This, uh, enhances the romantic feeling between lovers.

I read it in "The Bride Stripped Bare."

Shall we begin?

You can undress me, if you like.

I'm wearing clean socks.

[steady beeping]

Charlie?

I feel better.

I feel heaps better.

Great.

[heavy breathing]

[moaning]

4 and 1/2 stars.

I don't usually score that high.

Must be the endorphins.

How did Charlie take it?

Were there tears?

Oh, no, don't tell me.

I don't want to lose anymore respect for the guy.

How soon do you want to move into the cabin?

Might need time to clear you a drawer.

Marcus?

Do you need more than one drawer?

I wouldn't bother bringing that duffel coat.

It's an abomination.

I'm not telling Charlie.

What, you're just going to let the guy

think you broke up with him for no reason?

That's cold.

I mean I'm--

not telling him anything.

Ever.

I can't be with you, and--

I can't love you.

This is-- this is just something that had to happen.

And in time, I hope he can see that it's

for the good of both of us.

You're having me on?

I mean, maybe now you can have a relationship based

on something other than sex.

Based on love, and trust, and--

and exchange of ideas.

Trust?

You have the fucking gall to use that word?

I'm sorry.

You used me, and now I have nothing.

Nothing.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Harlot.

[grumbles] Slut.

How do you feel?

Reborn?

Tingling in the nethers?

It could be herpes.

Don't feel anything yet.

So you don't know if it's worked?

Guess I'll have to have sex with somebody to find out.

I'm sorry if I'm not supportive sometimes.

I know best friends are supposed to be full time believers.

I get why you find it hard to swallow.

That's what she said.

Sorry.

Gag reflex.

That's what she said.

I love you.

Heaps.

Despite the fact that you're damaged goods now.

Thanks, Mommy.

Did he touch this bit?

Don't.

Right there.

With his creepy hands? - Don't.

Or was it with his creepy dick?

Stop it.

[phone ringing]

Jan?

It's incredible.

It's just-- it's just incredible.

It is, indeed.

You look amazing.

It's a miracle.

Yes.

I'll leave you to it.

I'll be in the canteen, if you need me.

[grunting]

Hm.

Well, you look terrible.

Oh.

I just-- just a bit rattled by everything.

It's weird.

One minute I was completely out of it--

and the next minute, like someone flipped a switch.

Don't you think that's weird?

Very.

Almost like outside forces were at work.

It could seem that way.

Hm.

When are you going to tell me? - Tell you what?

That you had sex with Marcus.

I--

Don't.

You promised me you wouldn't lie.

I know I can't expect you to understand,

but I hope that one day--

one day you'll see it from my perspective.

Unbelievable.

Aren't you happy that you're well?

After everything we've been through, it ends like this.

Who said anything about ending?

I did.

I am.

I mean, you didn't think you could go behind my back

and have sex with some dude?

What about you--

I told you how I felt.

I did this for you.

I love you.

You knew.

All along, you knew it would work.

I had a feeling.

I had a feeling, too.

How come my feeling's the one that turns out to be wrong?

First time for everything.

Amazing.

It just really-- I'm a bit thrown, to be honest.

Realistically, I couldn't go through

with the whole Marcus thing and expect Charlie to stick around.

Not really.

Not after everything he said.

I thought it would end up like this.

I'm sorry.

That's OK.

You know, maybe this way I can--

start again.

Find love with somebody new.

Yeah.

Well, then, you know, we're both officially single now.

Yeah?

Cougars?

Come on, it'll be just like uni.

You know?

But now we've got--

gray pubes, and I've been wrong a total of once.

Shall I get lemon jello?

Don't we have anything else?

Baileys.

Do you want to do them together?

[clattering]

Yes?

Uh, I had an appointment at 6:30.

For what?

Oh, I don't really like to go into it, but I--

I have brought my comfort cushion.

Ah.

Look, I-- there's no--

Sorry, is there a problem?

You know what?

To hell with it.

Sure, come on in.

Oh.

Did I come at a bad time?

No.

No, not at all.

I just, um-- just don't know if I'm going to be seeing too many

more clients when word get out.

When word gets out about what?

My, um-- retirement.

Come on.

Let's get this farewell party started.

I haven't stopped walking.

Right-- is that a good idea, considering your health?

I had to see you.

I've been talking to Mom about all the stuff you

and I have been through together.

All the dead guys.

I risked my life for you the first time

we went to bed together.

Yeah.

And she made me see that you'd kind

of done the same thing for me.

Jan?

She gets you.

More than you think.

It's a big thing for me to get over you

being with another guy.

Especially that one.

I know.

I love you.

I can't help it.

I love you, too.

And I don't know, I think--

I think maybe we can work through this.

Together.

Holy shit.

It's not as bad as it looks.

There's no nails, or anything.

What on Earth are you doing?

It's only right, as the second coming of Christ,

that I sacrifice myself for the woman that I love.

To win her back.

To make her see destiny's part.

To make her believe that--

this is all you, by the way.

Don't know why I keep saying her.

Sorry.

You're right there.

Zach, get down.

Not until you say you love me!

Not a chance.

You're serious?

You're not going to take me back?

No.

Look at me!

That's certainly part of it.

I'm sorry about the wedding.

I was an idiot.

I-- I might not remember asking you to marry me, but I will

this time.

I promise.

Zach, this is pathetic.

Yay, weddings!

I loved Zach.

I did.

You idiot.

I don't need Jesus.

I would have married you.

Wait-- you're not going to go?

EJ, this is very romantic!

I could have had sex with someone else, you know?

She was very pretty.

In a weird, homely sort of way.

And she said I could do her up the bum.

EJ?

[groaning]

There you are.

Hemorrhoid free.

Don't thank me.

I appall sentiment.

Up we are, love.

I want to watch "Q&A."

Are we enjoying a post-coital stunned silence,

or a few grateful tears?

Come on.

Wake up.

Wake up!

Oh my god.

We've swapped.

Holy shit.

We've swapped.

[heavy breathing] Fuck you!

Fuck you!

[screaming]

[music playing]

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