Original subtitles

Roo doesn't want to see you.

Ever again.

I mean, how long can I keep pushing things?

I've-- tried to molest him, tried to steal his sperm.

Not proud of that.

You've been off playing Jesus while I've been

trying to get on with things!

I'm not playing.

The wedding's off.

We're off.

Have a nice life.

If Roo's going to lie to me, shut me out,

maybe I should just let her be.

Just disappear.

Stay with me.

All right.

[knocking]

Roo?

Sorry to wake you, love.

There's-- there's been a phone call.

It's bad news, I'm afraid.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: There's one pet I like to pet,

and every evening we get set.

I stroke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy.

Often it goes out at night, returns the break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves, and we

spoon like two turtledoves.

I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy!

Death.

Death is a part of life.

It's never a welcome part.

I mean-- how do you even say--

how do you even begin to say goodbye to someone?

[sigh] I can't do this.

Yeah.

You can.

You're going to do this with dignity.

It's the least we can do.

And then we're gonna drink a bowl of scotch.

[phone ringing]

- You gonna get that? - Yeah.

Yeah, I will.

In a second.

[phone ringing]

Shit.

Time to go?

It is.

[coughing]

You OK?

Yeah.

You?

Not really.

You want a hit?

It's good stuff.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Well, here we are.

Let's get this bit over with.

Oh, sorry. Do you need a hand?

[phone ringing]

- Well, turn that thing off. - All right.

I just--

Um, do you-- do you want me to get the wheelchair out for you?

No. No.

I'm fine.

You've got enough going on. You go.

I'll take my time.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

OK.

I feel very blessed to have had you in my life, Nan Nan.

Thank you for teaching me that laughter really

is the best revenge, and--

and for yelling at me for slouching.

But thanks, most of all, for showing me what

fierce, unconditional love is.

So, wherever you are, I, um--

I hope you're winning at backgammon.

And, uh-- who knows?

[phone vibrating]

And knows if it--

it really is Heaven, then?

Um-- maybe you-- maybe you're even watching Burt.

I hope so.

I'll, um-- I'll miss you.

And, um-- I love you.

[clapping]

She wasn't even your grandmother.

Oh, you two!

This is Mum's day, not yours.

Why shouldn't I show my appreciation?

I'm not uptight.

I'm not afraid to celebrate pure emotion.

I just want Charlie to have a long and full life,

like Nan Nan's.

Is that too much to ask?

Charlie's fine.

Apart from the whole assisted breathing thing,

he's in fine form.

[phone ringing]

You-- you are worse than your mother.

Oh-- - Sorry, Dad.

I have to take this. - We are at a wake!

I'll be quick.

I wasn't allowed to use my phone at Uncle Dunn's funeral.

You were making calls to sports bet,

while they were lowering coffin into the ground.

It's what he would have wanted.

What do you want?

I'm at my Nan Nan's wake.

My boyfriend's in there.

My whole family.

I'm grieving.

MARCUS: As am I. Get in.

I can't--

I'm not leaving.

You've got to stop calling me.

I'll meet you when I can, OK? MARCUS: No.

Well, that's the best I can do.

[laughter]

Whoa!

Oh--

[guests chattering]

Have you said hello?

I nodded.

She's looking pretty good.

Maybe she's making an effort?

Marion's a very complicated woman.

It's in the genes.

Just go and tell her you love her.

- It's not that simple. - It is.

Well, it should be.

For some reason we go out with people who think they're Jesus.

Did I miss anything?

What did I miss?

Uh, your grandma mashed your great-grandma's head

with a broomstick.

Nothing weird, though. - Where have you been?

Nowhere. To-- toilet.

[phone ringing] Who's-- being popular.

I might get some fresh air.

Can't have been a very successful toilet

visit if she's still walking like that.

Who are you hiding from?

I'm just-- nobody.

I'm grieving.

Doesn't look like grieving to me.

What would you know about grieving?

You turned Nan Nan's head into a pinata,

and filled it with Smarties.

It was in her will.

She was high on morphine when she wrote that,

and you forged her signature.

Come on, love.

What's really going on?

There's someone here to see you.

Ah, Marcus!

Hi.

Great to see you.

Not another one of your drumming circle?

Oh, no.

Uh, Marcus is one of Roo's friends, actually.

You OK?

What's he doing here?

I know, right?

Who gate crashes a wake?

I mean, who gate crashes a wake?

We need to talk.

Not here.

I'm not leaving.

So we'll stay.

Those sausage rolls are quite good.

- No. - Your nan seems nice.

- No. - Has she got cataracts?

She doesn't look well.

I'll be happy to help her out.

OK.

OK.

At least let me go and talk to Charlie first.

Oh, sure.

Perhaps we can discuss penis splint stories.

Oh, and I've been meaning to return his turkey baster.

Shall we go get it from the car?

- Now? - Shut the door.

I need a moment.

You need a moment?

The car ride wasn't enough for you?

I'm not sure I can form the words to express

what has befallen me.

I'm sure you can.

Don't interrupt.

I can't-- I have lost the ability to perform.

You can't get it up?

This is the big emergency?

This warrants midnight window tappings, 37 text messages?

My great grandma just died.

Well, I can't fuck her and fix her now, can I?

That is entirely inappropriate!

This is life and death!

This is my dick!

I'm sure she has a very good reason, love.

Marcus can be very persuasive.

He's quite the wordsmith.

She's always had unusual taste in boys.

Mom.

Well, Marcus is a very interesting prospect,

um-- in an unconventional way.

- Brian. - Oh.

So are you, too, Charlie.

Of course.

Phone's still off.

She obviously doesn't want to be found.

I'm sure there's a really good reason.

One minute you wouldn't have sex

with me if I was the last woman on Earth, now you want my help.

Why?

Why should I?

Ever seen you walked in that door, a hex has been upon me.

Bad things have been happening.

Things like this.

I wish we'd never met.

Of course.

It's my fault.

Well, I'm glad we agree on something.

As much as I'm loathe to admit it, we have some--

twisted connection.

You've brought this on with your poisoning ways,

ergo it's your job to fix it.

Do you want me to--

are you-- are you suggesting hands on helping?

Oh, I get it.

Oh.

Oh, so this is another plan to force fornication from me?

By making you flaccid?

So what-- what do you want me to do?

I don't know.

Just fix it, without touching it.

Just undo whatever you did.

If I fix it, you kind of owe me.

One could see it that way.

One would.

Well, maybe you're just over-thinking things.

Well, it's difficult not to, given my brain capacity.

Maybe if you'd stop setting yourself up as this all healing

demi-god, and just saw yourself as a normal, ordinary guy,

it would take the pressure off.

I'm not a normal, ordinary guy.

No, you are not.

Put on a jacket, and some shoes.

Well, socks, too.

Ah!

Surprise!

What the hell are you doing?

Make up sex.

I was just at a funeral.

Yeah, I know.

People get razzed at funerals.

It's all about, you know, seizing life.

My life is better without you in it.

I thought I made that pretty clear?

Yeah, but you always say that.

You yell, I yell, we break up.

You yell some more, and then we have sexies,

and then we get back together.

This is where you yell some more.

Why aren't you yelling?

There's nothing left to yell.

Ah.

Um-- let's see--

I'm-- I'm irresponsible.

I make terrible life choices.

I eat all of the pistachios, and then I throw all the shells

back in the bowl, and--

Get dressed, Zach.

Please.

No.

It's time to move on.

For both of us.

[crying]

Where are your clothes?

I don't have any.

But how did you--

actually, I don't want to know.

Um-- you can take the sheet.

It's fine.

I don't want it.

[horn]

Stress is one of the main causes of erectile dysfunction.

Is this where you pull out the nasal spray?

Tried that.

No sprays, no drugs.

My approach is simple.

Goodbye stress, hello stiffy.

- Nice slogan. - Thanks.

And we're drinking Guinness because vitamin

B is a stress inhibitor?

No, we're-- we're drinking Guinness

because that's what people do in bars,

when they're out to pick up.

What about the vitamin B?

Forget about the vitamin B. If you can pick up and potentially

have sex without the pressure of being a miracle worker,

then maybe your down under health will return.

That's my theory.

Where are you going?

It's not going to work.

Don't dismiss it immediately.

All right.

Watch.

The lipstick's a nice touch, but let's face it--

you'll be going home alone.

You know it, I know it, so why don't we cut the crap

and go get nasty?

Fuck you, loser.

That's entirely what I was suggesting.

Has anybody ever told you look like Judge Judy?

Hey, there.

You look like you'd have a neat vagina.

It's hard to tell through clothing.

She was begging me back, but I blew her right off.

The relationship was going nowhere.

I was sick of it, you know?

I know.

[phone ringing]

Marcus Dwyer's office.

Lockjaw?

Yes.

We can squeeze you in--

Wednesday, at three.

Thank you for calling.

I made her cry.

- The girl on the phone? - EJ.

What about your powers?

Wasn't she into those?

She's immune.

So is Lucifer.

Hi.

I'm Chrissy.

Which one of you is Marcus?

I'm more experienced in the lady department.

I'm barrel chested.

- I found him. - I bonded with him.

- Did not. - Did too.

He's my spirit guide.

We're both leos.

I've just been dumped.

You should be a mate, and let me--

I thought you jumped EJ?

Jesus

No fair.

You can be Marcus next time.

Pinky promise?

She should be with Charlie.

Did you see his little face?

The heart works in mysterious ways.

This has nothing to do with the heart.

Well, if Roo and Marcus are meant to be--

Wait, you actually want your daughter to,

what, marry the sex pest?

Who am I to judge?

You've gone all strange.

Yeah, I have a bit.

I know Roo, and the only way she'd do what she did

is for Charlie.

She loves him.

Love makes you do--

crazy things.

Zach gave me a bucket bowl once.

Marion thinks all romance is a sign of weakness.

She-- she-- she's just so fiery about everything.

Please.

I'd take fiery over retarded.

Zach thinks the queen and Judi Dench are the same person.

She was a great kisser.

She's not dead.

I am to her, though.

To great loves?

And the not so great.

EJ, I was, uh--

wondering-- - Yeah?

Well, you don't have to say it straight away.

I mean, you can think about it, but, um-- would you--

would you be open to a breath class?

Why not, G?

You only live once.

Oh, that's so great.

I-- I haven't gone to a class for ages.

And it's so great.

[laughter]

Uh-huh. GRAHAM: What?

Well, you--

Mhm.

Need that many cushions?

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Come on.

You're just wasting my time.

I'm not.

- You weren't even trying. - I was.

That was me trying.

This another one of your little power games, is it?

There's nothing even wrong with you.

Roo, please. Stop!

I was trying.

This is my personality.

It's repellent.

I did warn you.

I'll do anything.

Please.

I guess-- You have nice hair.

Thank you.

And-- full lips.

My mother had full lips.

What?

That's not an insult.

Don't reference your mother when you're

trying to pick someone up.

Noted.

What else?

I'm not gonna coach you on how to pick me up.

If it's going to work, it's gotta feel real.

So just-- use your imagination.

I know you have one.

When I first saw you, you made no impression whatsoever.

Nothing stood out.

Beige. - All right, that's--

But then, when you came back with chemo boy,

I knew you were something different.

I could feel it in my bladder.

It was like-- nerves, and gastro, and--

too much MSG.

I didn't like it at all.

And then when-- when you were gone,

I could see you every time I shut my eyes.

It was like you were--

burnt into my retinas.

I closed my eyes a lot that day.

That's very sweet.

Especially when I was working.

That's not.

I've told you things I've never told anyone else.

Because there is no one else?

I like that you don't take my shit.

You made me sing "Roxette" at karaoke.

How is that not taking your shit?

Hello.

You fool.

I love you.

Since the joyride.

When I was a kid, all I ever wanted to be when I grew up

was George from The Famous Five.

Me too.

A little bit girl, a little bit boy.

She was probably the first--

and last-- children's own adventure hermaphrodite.

[laughter]

So, do-- do you have a girlfriend?

What?

Why?

She must be pretty open minded to put up with all of this,

There-- there is no she.

Not anymore.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

So, what happens now?

I might just go stretch.

You should, too.

I'll be back in a tick.

So, how'd I go?

Well, I deducted a point for racism, but, uh--

overall you got a 7.4 out of 10.

Well, you know I prefer the five star system.

You could be a decent guy, if you let yourself.

You're funny, when you want to be.

Smart.

And you don't smell too bad.

So what's next?

What do normal people do next?

Did I get to first base?

Is this first base?

Uh-- no, first base is a--

kiss.

That's-- what normal people tend to do next.

So this is where your theoretical experiment ends?

As a scientist, you make a great Enid Blyton fan.

I didn't say that.

So that's-- that was the-- the go.

That-- that was first base.

Are you-- are you OK?

Uh-- the second base--

You are so much smarter than you look.

You were right.

Taking the pressure off me has shifted it to my pants.

Right where it should be.

Really?

That-- so soon? Good.

Good.

Um, perhaps we should discuss our--

I can still make my thyroid at 7:30 if I'm quick!

You're welcome.

Don't mention it.

Can we get on with this?

I really can't afford to go into overtime with the babysitter.

Yep.

Sure.

Maybe I'll just, um--

turn out the light.

Nope.

That is not going to work.

[humming] Anything?

No, I don't think so.

Is that, like, foreplay?

[humming]

MARCUS: What the hell's this?

You were just meant to change the hand towels, not

mess with the stock.

Oh.

No, I was-- uh--

MARCUS: Get out!

I'm Marcus.

It was my turn to be Marcus.

Real Marcus totally queue jumped.

I can't believe you didn't sink the pink with Chrissy.

Did you see her cobs?

Next time I'm definitely Marcus!

Roo.

Jan.

He's asleep.

Right.

I-- I might just pop my head in.

- They've sedated him. - Oh.

He was in quite a state.

I see.

I think I might wait.

I think it might be best if you ran along home.

You'll-- you'll tell him I was here?

That I came to see him?

Of course.

[humming]

Ah, yes, that's better.

That's much better.

Now you've finally stopped sniggering.

I think I can actually feel something--

releasing.

In the heart.

That's the heart's chakras breaking up.

Healing. - No, I think it's indigestion.

Did you know I had four breakfasts today, and not

one lunch? But I think--

Don't do that.

Do what?

Undercut yourself with humor.

You do it all the time.

You're better than that.

You're worth more.

If you could only see what I can see.

It's-- it's beautiful.

I know, I know I've got a lot of explaining to do.

Honestly, Dad, the way you force your breath work on people,

it's like spiritual Amway.

Can we talk about this later?

[theme music]

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