Original subtitles

I'm going to have sex with Marcus.

What about Charlie?

Who do you think I'm doing this for?

What if you kill Marcus?

That won't happen.

Where do I start with my new Jesus Judy?

Please tell me you're not trying to make that

cupboard using mind powers.

Just the door.

Do you want the service or not?

Absolutely. Where do we start?

[grunting]

MARCUS: Would you stop making those noises?

I came to stop you doing Roo.

Who?

I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last woman alive.

[THEME MUSIC - R CRUMB & HIS CHEAP SUIT SERENADERS,

"MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

It was pretty humiliating.

Now, I know how Heather Mills felt.

Just forget about Marcus.

We should all just forget about Marcus.

Everything about him.

We'll just make our minds like one big mega doodle,

like Etch-A-Sketch thing, we'll just wipe it clean.

Do an erase.

Are you OK?

I really don't know.

You know, when I really want to forget something--

Not now, Dad.

GRAHAM: There's a very interesting technique

practiced by the Incas. - I said not now.

My mother used to try and hypnotize herself when

she wanted to forget something.

Hypnotism?

She just drank eight Frangelico's and turned

up Radio National really loud. - I said she tried.

I didn't say she did it.

Do we have any Frangelico?

If at first you don't succeed--

True dat.

When did you start saying true dat?

I trialing it.

GRAHAM: True dat.

- See, now it's a meme. - What?

Are you training him or something?

Anyone like a cupper?

I'll put the kettle on.

EJ, Celestial?

You know it.

No worries, Dad, I'm fine.

Thanks.

I'm sure he meant to ask you.

What's he doing here anyway?

Well, there is that.

Not again.

I was cynical at first too, believe me.

But why haven't I heard of it?

He's underground.

But you think something like this would eventually

get out to the press.

No, he's discerning.

He doesn't care for publicity. - Just a vagina.

So much vagina.

I'm listening.

He and I should join forces.

Me with my Jesus brain, he with his Jesus penis.

He would help channel my gifts.

Like a mentor sort of thing.

I'm busy.

Marcus, this is Johnny, an old friend.

I want go into details.

Hi.

We were wondering if you wouldn't

mind us observing for the day?

We'll be very discreet.

I don't think so.

We brought cinnamon scrolls.

Let's see.

There was a local celebrity with varicose veins, well,

she used to have varicose veins until I, you know?

I can't tell you who it is.

Marcus Dwyer?

Behold the great unwashed.

Can I assist?

My sister made me an appointment.

Oh, oh, dear, no, I think something came up.

Apologies.

What?

You can't fit me in today? - No.

No.

Terribly sorry.

Oh, well, nice to meet you.

Thanks for stopping by.

But the, uh, doctors have said it's terminal.

I'm only in town for this afternoon.

Oh, sad face.

Sad face.

Life's full of disappointments, isn't it?

What was it Martin Luther King said?

We must accept finite disappointment,

but never lose infinite hope.

It will only take five minutes.

Well, this is a bit awkward.

Off you go.

Toodle, pip.

Tough decisions have to made on occasion.

It's not all glamour, you know.

Amazing.

Hey, I'm looking for Marcus.

You found him.

You'll get used to the teeth and the forehead in a moment.

I don't have an appointment.

I just got a vacancy in my pants.

A little sex healer humor for ya.

Come on, dear.

Up we get.

Mind the step.

That's the girl.

Why didn't he just do both of them at the same time?

I would have.

You look amazing.

Hm, I know.

I feel it.

This is--

I mean, you look really amazing.

Here he is.

Our favorite IT patient.

There's another computer programmer on Ward 3.

No one can stand him.

Oh.

All's looking good with your results.

The nurse tells me you've been exemplary with your exercises.

So he can--

Yes. He can go home.

Watch the door.

I'm fine.

I'll take that case.

There's no need to go overboard.

I'm not.

Welcome home, Charlie.

Oh, hi, Graham.

You OK?

I won the couch.

Finally, things can get back to normal around here.

- Yeah. - Talk about dodging a bullet.

- What do you mean? - She doesn't mean anything.

No, I don't, just you were sick,

and, you know, that was like a death bullet,

and you dodged it.

Who wants an omelet?

I do.

Roo was going to have sex with Marcus.

- Dad. - But she didn't.

She didn't cheat.

She didn't.

I'm sorry.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on.

It was-- it was about fixing you.

I wanted to fix you.

But then I decided it was not a good idea, which is a relief,

because now you're well anyway, and wouldn't I

have had egg on my face?

GRAHAM: Amongst other things.

Ah.

I was just saying what everyone was thinking.

- But you-- - Didn't.

- Good. - Excellent.

Yeah.

How close did you get exactly?

[grunting]

How good is this?

God.

It's really good.

Yeah.

Beautiful day.

Kicking back on a banana chair with a mate.

The great Aussie dream being lived

out right before our eyes.

Too true.

My tinnitus is completely gone.

He's amazing.

Yes.

Yes, he is.

I see Affleck and Damon are still here

working on their screenplay.

Marcus, I have a proposition for you,

and I want you to think about it before you say no.

Oh my god.

How would you feel--

Awful.

About a couple of helping hands?

Still awful.

We could do admin.

I'd rather kill myself, thank you.

[inaudible].

You're not actually processing anything I'm saying, are you?

[inaudible].

I understand you had to do what you had to do.

I did.

Yeah.

I'm just-- I'm just really hugely glad you didn't actually

have sex with that guy.

Me too.

I mean--

I know, believe me.

If you had have--

I didn't.

You're number would have been like 8,000 or something.

I beg your pardon?

The number of guys you've slept with?

Well, not 8,000, but--

23

He would have been 24.

But who's counting?

Yeah, I'm not saying there's anything bad about it.

Is this one of those dreadful you're a girl,

and you've had more sex than me, so therefore,

you're a slag conversations?

Because if it is, I don't know if I want to have it.

I'm not saying you're a slag.

Just the kind of girl who'd have sex with 8,000 men.

OK, look, I was being glib when I said 8,000.

Well, you probably put it around a bit

in your bachelor days, so don't start pointing the finger.

CHARLIE: I wasn't.

So come on then, Ron Jeremy, let's have it.

Can we not do this?

No, no, since you obviously think I'm a slutting McSlut

stain from planet Bang-a-lot.

I think it's only fair that you tell--

Two.

Your number is two?

Yep.

Who are they?

Leanne, who I told you about, and you.

I'm one of the two?

Can you stop saying two like that?

I'm sorry.

It's just I'm a bit surprised.

Lots of guys have small numbers.

It's more special that way.

Not that I'm judging your choices.

Look, I don't want to fight about this.

There's nothing to fight about.

I love you.

I love you too.

Don't.

Oh, come on.

Well, I'm nervous about what happened last time.

Stop being so paranoid? I'm better.

Look, if I'm only gonna ever be with two people,

then I should at least make it worth it.

So, I'm second and last?

If you're OK with that?

Now, every time I touch him I bring him closer to death.

It's so unfair.

And the poor guy's only had two lovers in his life.

Two?

That's right.

That's depressing.

Or sweet.

And the way things are going, he'll never have sex again.

I've ruined his life.

You can't think about it like that.

I have to though, don't I?

This has to stop.

Soon, every time a guy even thinks about me in a sexy way,

he'll have a stroke or something.

It will stop.

I owe it to Charlie.

I know the solution lies somewhere.

Don't say Marcus.

All right, I won't say it, I'll just think it.

Roo.

He won't have sex with me fine,

but there needs to be another way.

Yeah, another way.

One that doesn't involve him at all.

The only way to do it is just to press

on without Marcus' permission.

EJ: What does that mean?

I'll have to, I don't know, drug him or something.

Yeah, you can drug him and then have sex

with him when he's passed out.

No, I know you're very upset right now,

but you can't actually be suggesting you're--

you're gonna date rape him.

Well, I wouldn't have put it in those terms.

But?

But, yes, that's essentially what I have to do.

I know you're being tested by this,

but Roo is in a desperate and dark place,

and when people are in a desperate and dark place,

they do desperate and dark things.

Don't remind me.

You still haven't told Roo about Jan?

No.

Repression is bad for the soul, EJ.

I'll risk it.

Anyway, I don't really understand--

I saw her boyfriend's mother being compromised,

would you want to know something like that?

Chance of seeing a woman with [inaudible].

Please don't.

All Roo needs from us is support.

Just support.

Support, support, support.

Really?

She'll come back to us soon.

Keep it at walking pace.

Don't rush over the speed bumps.

So tomorrow we can pick you up and take

you to see your scoliosis, heart murmur, and epilepsy?

Quality.

See, if you're mobile, you're more accessible.

You're like a home-delivered pizza.

A home-delivered sex pizza.

Right you are, men friends.

You can probably clock off for the day, or whatever it is you

want to call it.

Right you are, man friend.

Nothing personal, I just need a little me time.

Me time is important.

It's essential.

It's essential.

Bye, Marcus.

Bye.

He's awesome.

I know he is.

Maybe it's broken?

Get out and see if you can lever it by foot.

Why don't you get out and see if you can lever it by foot.

I'm driving.

Yes, but I want a turn.

A turn?

It's a car, it's not a space hopper.

What?

We don't want to get the dosage wrong.

Obviously.

We don't want to kill him.

Don't bump off zombie Heath Ledger.

Good.

I've got it down now, so I won't do it.

This isn't-- this isn't funny.

We're drugging another human being.

So you can date rape him.

Stop saying rape.

Well, stop raping people.

It isn't rape.

It's non-consensual sex.

The man has publicly stated he doesn't want to sleep with you,

and you're doing it anyway.

What would you call it?

It's for the greater good.

Uh, your honor?

Concentrate.

I can't have sex with him if he's dead.

Oh, good, nice to know where the line is.

We need to test the dosage on somebody first.

Who?

[SINGING] I know what boys like.

I know what guys want.

I know what boys like, boys like, boys like me.

Hi.

[voices on tv]

How are you feeling, hon?

Good.

Happy.

I had a pain in my neck before, but it's totally gone now.

Give him another one.

Just bear in mind that Zach has the constitution of an ox.

You know, he once took a whole sheet of acid

and claimed it did nothing.

Was that the time he started trying to eat his own hair.

Yeah.

Did you drug Dad as well?

No, he's just old.

Give him another one.

You sure?

Do it.

I'll got to bed.

14.

Yep.

You know, you're not supposed to put those in there.

Yeah. All right.

I'll come now.

What are you doing?

Chicken noodle is my favorite flavor.

Do you now they don't even use real chicken--

Just get on with it.

Do you want me to do it?

They have to dissolve.

MARCUS: Honey Hove Caravan Park.

What's taking him so long?

Maybe it's his metabolism.

- Maybe it hasn't worked. - What do you mean?

Why wouldn't it work?

Maybe he's immune?

He's a healer, not a vampire.

We don't have to do this.

We could go and heat the hot chips.

I'll let you put vinegar on them.

You love vinegar.

Should we carry him back to his cabin?

Are you mad? Someone will see.

Plus he's a nugget.

He'll be heavier than he looks.

So what am I supposed to do now?

Um, leave.

I don't think I thought this through properly.

I got a bit over excited about all the drugging stuff.

We don't have a whole lot of time.

He's probably going to be awake in an hour or so.

- I'll just have to do him here. - What?

On the floor?

I'm just not sure if I can--

I might have to--

you know?

Wank him a bit?

- Just keep watch. - Wank him a bit.

I can't believe I just said that out loud.

We're going to hell.

No, no, we're going to jail, and then we're going to hell.

How am I supposed to get him up?

EJ: I'm sorry?

He seems to be resisting.

Oh, dear.

I thought boys just got instant erections

in their sleep.

What are you, 12?

We need Viagra. Do you have any?

Did you just ask me--

- Forget about it. - What do you think?

I carry Viagra around with me?

I need to fashion some sort of a splint.

Out of what exactly?

Eat faster.

I cannot believe what I am currently

in the process of doing.

This is officially the worst moment of my life.

You think?

What about the time you got felt up by--

ROO: Felt up by Marty, the monster?

Yes, worse than that.

Can you help me?

no No way.

Line drawn.

Oh, shit, there's someone coming.

What do I do? ROO: Improvise.

What?

I'm a terrible improviser.

Remember, [inaudible] and I said Flapsville.

Just do it.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, there's a child.

There's a child.

Little, innocent-- innocent child.

Hi.

Welcome to this caravan park.

How can I help you?

I would like to book a van for the night.

Of course you would. Course you would.

Why wouldn't you? Come to the right place.

It's a caravan park.

Look, caravans.

I'm just gonna have a look.

I'm just going to have a--

ah, there's-- just gotta--

You might just want to have a wander and pick one out.

Sorry?

You just go out there, and just take a stroll,

see what tickles your fancy.

Just if there's anything outside, just go--

go out there and have a look, and just

see if it seems there's no one in there, just take it.

Just live the dream, you know.

We prefer a more organic system here at this park.

Good god, get out of here.

Psst, you wouldn't happen to have any Viagra, would you?

ROO: This is hopeless.

EJ: I'm sorry, it didn't work out.

ROO: No, you are not.

Nice ice cream though.

You almost said Flapsville, didn't you?

Oh, yeah.

You want to steal his jism.

I know it sounds bad.

No, it sounds mental.

Come on, Zach, in a way, you owe me.

It's because of you Marcus wouldn't sleep

with me in the first place.

Just-- there's just-- there's no

need to be so covert about it.

Marcus is a really great guy.

You should just ask him.

He's probably got some just lying around the place

that he wouldn't mind lending you.

I can't do that.

Me and Marcus have a complex relationship.

No shit.

I just need this one thing.

And then I'll be better, and Charlie will be better,

and everything will go back to normal.

You cheated death because of me.

Your Jesus because of me.

Please don't encourage the Jesus thing.

If somebody asked Jesus to steal sperm for them,

what would he do?

You're not in the habit of drugging people, are you?

What?

And sticky taping their bits together?

Not unless they ask nicely.

So, Marcus, uh, I have to be honest with you.

I've been sent here on a little bit of a mission.

Is this the god thing again?

No.

It's a semen thing.

Sorry?

Look, I'm not supposed to tell you, but I figure you

and I we're friends, comrades even,

and I don't want to be deceptive.

What are you on about?

Roo wants some of your junk juice.

And I told her, you know, you should just ask him.

He's a great guy.

I think she's shy.

How exactly were you planning on getting it?

Brought my kid cup.

What does she want it for?

Don't know.

Some girls like flowers, Roo's, you know, a bit unconventional.

So, you know, do you keep a bit around for sparezies?

You're asking me if I keep spade jars

of my own semen in my home?

Yeah.

Well, you know, maybe there's like a day

that you don't feel like performing.

I never feel like not performing.

I'm one call, on target, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

You would be too if you were blessed with my gift.

Yeah, but just say one of your lady friends,

she wanted a souvenir, like you know,

when you go to a kid's party, and you

leave with a bag of lollies?

Or in this case a tiny jar of come.

I don't do take aways.

No.

Absolutely.

No, you shouldn't, but if I don't come back

with a sample of your dollop, my life will not be worth living.

Hands up, who's in the mood for a little game?

Oh my god, he got it.

I don't want to know.

Yeah, I do.

I'm officially in two minds.

Don't spill any spoog.

How did-- oh, god, I'm asking questions.

Right.

I'm off. - Where are you going?

Toilet block.

She doing what with the which now?

Greetings.

What's going on here then?

Do you mind?

Tell me, do you have to go to a specialist shop

to buy that sort of equipment?

This is the ladies toilet.

You owe me $3.70 for two banana flavored ice creams.

I never much liked the banana flavor myself, too cloying.

You can drop the superior tone, you know?

Underneath all the posturing, you're still just a creep

who uses people for sex.

Which is precisely what you were

doing to me, if memory serves.

Presumably, you weren't going to linger for a cuddle and a DVD

after extracting spermatozoa from my comatose body.

Everybody in this world is using everybody else to some degree

to get what they want, and frankly, I

don't have a problem with it.

I do, however, have a problem with giving up everything I

hold dear just on the off chance it might make

your life a little bit easier.

I wouldn't be going through all this if I wasn't desperate.

You have no idea what it's been like.

I just want a normal life.

Is that really so hard to understand?

Listen, you seem like a relatively sane person

despite your current position sitting on a caravan park

toilet trying to insert yourself with stolen semen,

so try to see things from my perspective for a moment.

Do you honestly think someone like me would ever

get laid, like honestly, ever, it weren't for the fact

that I could heal people with my penis?

Well, you could--

Women are repelled by me.

Thankfully, thought, they can stay away from my bed

since the gods have granted me sexual gifts.

And if you think I'm giving up the only chance

I'll ever have of getting some, you're

out of your fucking mind.

Oh, and by the way, you're on a trip to nowhere

with your little sample there.

It's not the end product that heals, it's the act itself.

By all means, enjoy the process though.

Toodle, pip.

So she didn't end up using any of it?

Nope.

Not even a tiny little drop?

If I'm ever going to eat again,

we're going to have to talk about

something other than Marcus' sperm for five minutes.

Or my sperm.

Don't want to talk about your sperm either, Zach.

No offense. - No.

In the cup, that was my sperm.

What?

I didn't know she was going to stick it up here, did I?

She just said she wanted it.

What did you-- what did you think

she was going to do with it?

How the hell would I know?

You were supposed to get Marcus'--

I know.

I know.

But you try borrowing sperm off a guy you hardly know.

I tried everything.

It got a little bit weird, and then I just figured,

you know, she wants it so badly, huh.

I thought she was going to drink it or something.

And that makes it OK, does it?

It makes it slightly less awkward.

[theme music]

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