Original subtitles

He was fine, we had sex, and now he's not.

I'm going to die.

Don't say that.

My marital status is still ambiguous.

-I give up. -What?

I thought you'd changed.

I thought you were different.

I might be Jesus!

His name is Marcus Dwyer.

This Marcus also kills people with sex?

No, no, no.

He heals people.

With his penis?

Yet to meet a disease I can't handle.

I'm not giving your jaundiced boyfriend the treatment!

[theme music]

THEME SONG: There's one pet I like to pet,

and every evening we get set.

I stroke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy!

Often it goes out at night, returns the break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves, and we

spoon like two turtledoves.

I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy!

What made you think I'd go through with it?

I don't know.

I thought sick people were willing to try

anything to get better.

Did you see the guy?

He's just a bit prickly.

No, he's an absolute wanker.

He's sexist, he's homophobic, he's racist, he smells bad.

And he's not even my type.

Not that I have a type.

Male one.

I'm sorry.

I just thought that--

I don't know what I thought.

Don't trick me into doing stuff like that, OK?

It's creepy.

It's like you're my pimp, or something.

I wouldn't have put it like that.

I wondered why you were so insistent I

brush my teeth before we left.

How about we just focus on proven

medical treatments for a while?

The doctor sounded positive about that antibiotic.

It's just a trial.

Still, it sounded like it was worth exploring.

Ah, there you are.

I came by before, and you were out.

Roo took me out for some fresh air.

How nice.

Roo.

Jan.

Why didn't you tell me you were going back?

It was-- kind of last minute.

And?

-You think he's a sham. -He is a sham.

I don't agree. Sorry.

Look, I get it.

You want Charlie to be better, and anything

is up for consideration.

But-- look, are you sure you're not just grasping?

You said it yourself, this would solve everything.

I believe Marcus heals people.

Roo, it's medically impossible.

So am I.

Then I'm here for you.

You know that.

Every step of the way.

That's good, because I've decided what

the next step is going to be.

Should I get my notebook?

And I don't know if you're going to like it.

I'm going to have sex with Marcus.

I'm going to fix me in order to fix Charlie.

I've been thinking about what you said.

I think I could be the new Jesus.

What made you change your mind?

I thought you said it was too much hassle?

Oh, no.

It's just-- you know, there just comes a time in your life when

you've gotta look at yourself and wonder,

is there room for change?

And growth, and-- and stuff.

You gotta ask yourself, is there room

for me to be the new Jesus?

And if the answer is yes, Zach, there is room,

then you gotta say yes.

Well, this is great.

I knew I was on to something.

OK, great.

Well, then, let's go.

Where do I start with my new Jesus duties?

Are you sure?

I'm pretty sure he didn't wear Crocs.

He would have if he could have.

They make my ankles look fat.

Let's get something more flowing to go with them.

Jeggings?

Jeggings don't flow.

They cling.

I'm the second coming, aren't I?

I'm pretty sure I can mix things up a bit.

Should I smite someone?

I should smite someone.

You can't smite.

That's advanced.

I can smite.

I smite all the time.

I smote the barista this morning who put one of those feathers

in the--

the froth.

Smote?

Smoted?

Smate?

We need to buy a bible.

We should probably buy two.

What if it doesn't work?

Assuming Marcus has the gift, which we are,

we don't know for sure that curing you will cure Charlie.

Well, it's worth a shot.

What if you kill Marcus?

That won't happen.

How come?

Well-- maybe he could heal himself after?

Are you suggesting that after having sex with you,

Marcus could have sex with himself?

He looked quite supple.

No, I think it's a great idea.

When I first met him I thought, this guy can go fuck himself.

Are you done?

Go on.

Yes. -He's a healer.

He might be immune.

Your mind is a complete mystery to me sometimes.

Well, it makes sense.

You're willing to risk Marcus' life to save Charlie?

Wow, I thought Zach had issues.

You don't know that I'll kill him.

We don't know that you won't.

So?

No.

No, I won't kill Marcus if I have sex with him?

-Yes. -Why?

Why-- why is he different?

Apart from the whole healing groin thing?

Well, he's not.

Then I don't understand.

I can't sleep with him if there's

any chance he'll die as a result.

I can't be responsible for anymore death.

You won't be.

I've had a word--

with no lesser authority, so--

I'm sorry, I don't-- are you talking about spirit guides?

No, no, no.

Louise from the fourth floor.

Because of Marcus' remarkable abilities,

he is completely safe from death.

So you have no need to worry.

Unless it's about all these people you've killed.

In which case, fair enough, too, because I think

that would weigh heavily on one's subconscious.

So no one is going to criticize you for staying awake at night,

and seeing these horrible, chalky, pallid

faces floating towards you.

Thanks.

Loaves and fishes.

[humming]

What are you doing?

Shh.

You're interrupting the synaptic flow.

Please tell me you're not trying to move that

cupboard using mind powers?

Just the door.

Oh, Zach, I don't even have time--

What's wrong with exercising Jesus' mind powers?

It's Jedi mind powers.

And you're not a Jedi.

Really?

Then how come I knew you were going to say that?

BOTH: You know what?

I'm not even-- just shh.

ZACH: Zach, you're an idiot.

I want calm. I want normality.

I want to live in a house with a best

friend who doesn't kill people, and a fiance

who doesn't think--

Whoa!

Did you see that?

That blind just flapped.

There's no window open.

There was a definite flap.

You're a definite flap.

You have mail.

That doesn't count.

[knocking]

[humming]

Is it possible for a guy to have sex with himself?

Yes.

Good.

Those Ashtanga guys?

They do it all the time.

What about normal guys?

You'd have to lose a rib.

Probably the whole cage.

But it's possible to complete the entire act?

Yes.

How sure are you?

Very.

There are videos I could show you?

No, I don't want to see it.

I don't want any part of this.

What do you want to know for?

It's-- useful information.

-Who for? -A friend.

-Do I know them? -No.

-Charlie? -No.

Who, then?

No, hang on.

Marcus

What?

How-- how did-- how did you even know about Marcus?

Jesus powers.

Bloody EJ.

Wait, you're not going to go and--

If he's a sham or not, it's my decision.

What about Charlie?

Who do you think I'm doing this for?

There is never an excuse for cheating.

Did you really just say that?

We were on a break.

Don't question the Ninth Commandment.

You should not bear false witness against your neighbor?

I thought it was the, um--

anyway, it doesn't matter.

I'm not up to that bit yet.

Something to look forward to.

You cannot sleep with him.

Oh, for god's sake.

You can't.

[knocking]

[steady beeping]

I love you.

I suppose you want to ask me why I'm here.

It had crossed my mind.

I could counter with why exactly

you were hiding in the cupboard with the dirty laundry.

Seems we're at an impasse, then.

Not necessarily.

How much do you know about this Marcus chap?

How much do you know about him?

Don't be tiresome.

He's a sex healer.

Supposedly.

You sound cynical.

I'm beyond cynical.

What is beyond cynical? Cynicaler?

But Roo believes in him?

If you know all this, why are you asking me?

Because if there's a chance he is real,

it's my business to know about it.

You're back?

Mother-daughter combo.

Must be my birthday.

Age?

37.

Middle name?

Francis.

Socioeconomic background?

-Fair to middling. -Parents?

Both dead.

No great loss.

Star sign, Leo.

How did you know?

I'm a spiritualist.

It's my job.

Usually I'm the one who asks the questions.

You're on Auntie Jan's watch now, little boy.

Listen, I'm not just going to sit

here and tolerate some sort of menopausal Spanish Inquisition.

Do you want the service or not?

Absolutely.

Where do we start?

Jan?

What are you doing?

Well, we can have a trip and go door to door,

interviewing people who may or may not

know or want to talk about their experiences with Marcus,

or we can jump at the deep end, see for ourselves.

We?

Yeah.

I'm not doing it alone.

Are you out of your mind?

You're my best friend's boyfriend's mom.

I'm not having a freeway with you!

I don't want you to participate.

Thank God.

I want you to document it.

What?

MARCUS: Move it or lose it, lady.

I've gotta get to the bank!

This is insanity.

This is living.

Now hold onto that, and write down anything unusual.

He's started.

Quickly!

[moaning]

MARCUS: Would you stop making those noises?

[moaning]

[sigh]

Well?

You're going to have to say something eventually.

I don't want to.

Anything remarkable from an observer's perspective?

There is no unseeing.

Oh, get over it.

I'm not sure I feel anything.

Why don't you think about what was wrong with you before,

and see if it's fixed?

What are you suggesting?

What was your sickness that you wanted Marcus to cure?

I don't get sick.

I'm a vegan.

Are you-- you don't, perhaps, think

that you should have been properly

sick, or something, before?

In order to see if it worked?

You don't have children of your own, do you?

What has that got to do with anything?

Because if you did, you wouldn't

question a mother's devotion.

I want to explore any and every medical curiosity

there is, if it helps to explain what is happening to my son.

[sigh] Still nothing.

Pop your seatbelt on.

What's the point?

It's only a 20.

Consider your options, friend.

[humming]

Do you have a name pinned on you for someone I should call?

You're not-- are you trying to mind meld me?

Be on your way.

There's a good boy.

I command you to stop.

I'm not doing anything.

Bear with me.

I think I made a blind flap this morning.

So this is a hostage situation?

I wouldn't put it that way.

The central locking is on.

Yes.

And I can't leave.

No.

What if I need to do a wee?

No need for hostility.

I'm a very busy man.

Too busy.

Oh, so this is about some sister, or girlfriend?

I get this a lot.

What I do is purely medicinal.

Highly pleasurable, but just a treatment.

Like chiro, without the bone clicking.

With great powers comes great responsibility.

You know what I'm talking about.

Spider-Man.

No, having powers, and the like.

[knocking]

Marcus?

Hello? CHILD: No!

Don't!

I perform one miracle.

One.

And now it's like, you know, I've got

miracle block, or something.

And That's.

Not going to impress anyone.

I bet-- I bet Mary Magdalene waited for at least three

miracles before she put out.

I'm not so sure.

Well, my girlfriend's pretty picky.

Are you speaking in tongues?

Maybe.

I'm not sure.

Is that part of it?

I never knew it was going to be so complicated.

I'm sorry to just turn up.

I-- I was going to call first, but--

bloody Marion, she-- she burst in,

saying if my hypnotic chanting class

doesn't stop in the next five minutes,

she'll call the police.

I'm sure you and Marion will sort everything out.

She said if I come back, she'll throw out my "Five

Guys Named Moe" soundtrack.

She'll settle.

It's the original Broadway recording.

Either way.

The couch is yours.

If I don't get some hard liquor in the next 10 minutes,

someone's going to pay.

Oh, scotch.

No, not hard enough.

Why don't I have any heroin?

There is much to mastering your gift.

Use it.

Don't let it use you.

How long did it take you?

You know, for the-- for the mastering bit.

Well, for me, not so long.

But someone like you--

well-- time isn't the important thing.

It's the end goal.

You are really smart.

Some say brilliant.

You wouldn't know it from looking at you.

Some say that as well.

Before, when I-- when I was using my powers on you--

was there anything?

Well, there was definitely something--

kinetic going on.

Yes!

I knew I was on to something.

It just-- it feels really good, just to--

oh, I don't know.

Just have someone that I can talk to you

about all this stuff, you know?

I feel very confused sometimes.

I can imagine.

Like-- like now?

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

What are you doing here?

I came to stop you doing Roo.

Who?

This has been awesome.

You are awesome.

We should do this again soon.

Don't call us, et cetera, et cetera.

Well-- well I'll just drop by, OK?

We can communicate, you know?

Riff, hang out, play "Angry Birds."

-Hello? -That's me, by the way.

Now you've got my number.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

ZACH: Bye, Marcus!

Stay safe!

-Hi. -You?

Uh-- I've been feeling poorly.

Busy day.

What are your symptoms?

Uh-- aches, nausea, and, um--

well, just-- I feel like a bit of a brick.

A brick?

You know?

Heavy?

Right.

Like-- irritable bowel?

Yep.

So, we just go back to your cabin, and--

Can you take me to dinner first?

Why?

From all reports, your service is usually pretty express.

I'm not a robot.

Especially when my blood sugars are low.

You don't look constipated.

-Excuse me? -Nausea.

Constipation. Bloating.

Colleen!

Fallen Arches, 2009.

Another satisfied customer.

Really?

It changed my life.

I didn't I'd dance again, and here I

am auditioning for Jersey Boys. -Wow.

Are you--

Next in line.

It is worth it.

Colleen, join us.

-Despite, you know-- -Bye, Colleen.

Just try keeping your eyes closed.

And feel free to make another appointment.

First time, business.

Second time, pleasure!

Did we order garlic bread?

We did, didn't we?

Ian!

Where's my side order?

I mean, 27 years of marriage, and she still gets so angry.

I don't know what it is, really.

You will not believe the day that I have had.

Really?

You want to swap?

Because I'm guessing mine trumps.

It was not believable.

I met Marcus. -Marcus?

Wait.

I wanted to stop him sleeping with Roo.

Hey, she's gone to see him now?

And then we got chatting.

And-- and he was so smart.

I think it's that big forehead.

Phrenology is underrated.

Zach, speak to me. Did you talk to him?

What did he say?

And I realized, who am I to stop this?

You know?

Roo is-- Roo is sad.

Marcus is awesome.

Maybe all this is for the best.

So I give him my blessing.

I told him he should go for it.

Phone's off.

Do you want me to come?

I think there's been enough parental involvement

for one day. -Of course.

Of course.

Yeah.

What?

You could have sex, fall asleep, and then wake up,

and you'd still be at it.

MARCUS: I reckon the Taiwanese conjoined twins were

probably my career highlight.

Can we just get on with it, please?

Well, don't you want to know about my credentials?

Not really.

You seemed more than curious the other day.

Well, things change.

I don't like to be rushed.

Don't you want to know about my past?

How I came to be who I am today?

I was about 11 at the time.

I was a loner, even then.

It was hard to find others who appreciated

a sophisticated mind, and sophisticated tastes.

Little did I know I had caught the eye

of Nadia Curry, the biggest bully in the school.

Did she have some extrasensory perception about me

and my prepubescent loins?

Was it fate?

Curiosity?

Or just a cruel schoolyard dare?

Who knows?

Who cares?

That day, biology wasn't the only lesson on the timetable.

Nadia was cured, and so began my brilliant career.

11?

Is that even legal?

A true gift knows no age.

So now--

I feel like karaoke.

[SINGING] Once I was a simple man.

A poor common farmer.

I gave you six ribbons to tie back your hair.

Tooralie, tooralie, all I can share is only six ribbons

to tie back your hair.

You want music?

No.

Candles?

Stop with the added extras.

Just-- can we do the treatment?

You're the boss.

I might want to keep this on.

MARCUS: Put your hands above your head.

ROO: Both hands?

MARCUS: Plural.

Now raise one leg.

A little bit higher.

Higher.

That's it. Now hold it.

Can you arch your back a bit?

ROO: No?

MARCUS: Comfortable? ROO: Not really.

MARCUS: Ready?

ROO: Can I put my leg down?

MARCUS: No.

I've got a confession to make.

ROO: You're a sham?

MARCUS: No.

ROO: Well, what, then?

MARCUS: I've never said this to anyone before.

I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last woman alive.

What?

But--

Bit of a mood killer.

But then again, so is lying and trying to neutralize someone's

powers without their knowledge.

Neutralize?

Do you really think I would risk everything just

to tend to your poison chalice?

Please.

You've known?

This whole time.

So the dinner, the karaoke?

Like pulling wings off a fly.

Sleeping with me won't kill you.

I checked.

Oh, how very generous of you.

So what's the problem, then?

I fix you, you fix me.

Well, guess what?

I don't want to be fixed.

Why didn't you just say no?

This-- charade is not very gentlemanly.

No.

Charades can be cruel, can't they?

I'm glad we got this cheesecake to go.

Please say you didn't.

[theme music]

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