Original subtitles

I'm Tutankhamun.

Anyone who enters my tomb is doomed with an Egyptian curse.

Brendan was the first to go.

Davy was hit by a car.

And Layton had an aneurysm.

A penis aneurysm?

Is there such a thing as a penis aneurysm?

Did we-- oh my god.

This is like a nightmare.

You slept with my best friend?

Uh, I'm officially dying.

I just can't go on dates right now.

It's complicated.

She thinks she's killing people.

- What? - With sex.

Why is this happening?

Yeah, why are you doing this?

And how are you going to fix it?

I'm doing my best, I promise.

I went to a shaman.

Do you know anyone who'd commit to a relationship

with someone they can never have sex with?

EJ, you're the woman of my dreams.

Marry me.

[beeping]

What is this?

Make love to my son, Roo.

I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was worth it.

If you weren't worth it.

Charlie?

[theme music]

THEME SONG: There's one pet I like to pet,

and every evening we get set.

I stoke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy.

Off the nit goes out tonight, returns the break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves, and we

spoon like two turtledoves.

I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy.

You said it was over.

You said they'd be OK.

Sleep with my son, Roo.

Sleep with my son.

Those words are-- are burned into my brain.

Actually, she said make love to my son.

10 points, Marion.

Chalk that one up.

Look, I thought it was going to be fine.

Do you think I would risk my own son's life?

You thought it was?

I have never encountered a sexual death curse before

until I met your daughter.

MARION: Now, wait a minute--

You can't blame her!

Look, I realize this must be hard, with Charlie

lying here like this.

- You're taking her side! - I am not siding.

I just--

Can't you just show some support for Roo for once?

You're always so quick to think that she's in the wrong.

Are you--

I don't envy your karma!

Oh, here we go with the new age crap.

I'm not the one talking to dead people!

Oh, you would if you had half a chance.

Hell, you'd probably throw a talking to dead persons

workshop in the front room.

Yeah.

And what have you done, Graham?

What have you actually done to stop this?

You two can just fuck right off.

ZACH: So, you know, it wasn't, like, a white light, exactly.

More like-- you know when you, like--

you drape a sarong over a lamp.

Zach?

I'm-- I'm helping.

You're not.

I'm-- I'm sharing my knowledge.

This is my gift.

My grief gift. - Yep.

You were braindead for two minutes,

and we're all very impressed.

But if you could just-- - No.

Yes.

I-- I died.

And I came back.

I'm just saying, Charlie might, too.

There's hope.

I'm so sorry.

And not just for Zach being a dick.

ZACH: Hey!

He's dying.

You don't know that.

He was fine, we had sex, now he's not.

And no one can tell me anything.

It's all my fault.

It's not your fault. It's not.

It's Jan's fault.

A 29-year-old female caucasoid, no

genital abnormalities or STIs.

I give you Ruth Eleanor McVie.

Every man she's ever slept with has died.

All 22 of them.

Treatments pursued?

Yes.

Reproductive shaman.

Shaman.

Shaman-- which was unsuccessful.

And also, a sort of afterlife intervention,

also seemingly unsuccessful.

The latest one is in a coma, and he has such full, pouting lips.

There is a case I'm reminded of that may be,

indeed, both insightful and enlightening.

That is, if you'd care to learn more, Greg?

Yeah.

Are you out of your mind?

My boyfriend's dying, my vagina is cursed,

and you want to set me up with someone?

Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.

Hush.

If your mouth is open, then your ears and your mind are not.

Now, I know this must be very difficult for you.

I can't imagine how desperately alone you must feel.

Lost, even.

But this needn't be the case.

Because there is somebody who knows you even better than I

do.

His name is Marcus Dwyer.

Now, you have a lot in common.

You are opposite sides of the same coin.

You have a bad side, obviously.

You're the platypus, and he is Her Majesty, the Queen.

I'm assuming it's a 20 cent piece, and you're a monarchist.

If you're a republican, I'd switch that.

Wait, so this--

this Marcus also kills people with sex?

No, no, no.

No, no.

You're opposite sides of the same coin.

So he heals people.

With his penis?

Well, he's Her Majesty, so he anoints

your shoulders with Her sword.

That's a nicer way of looking at it.

Anyway, that's for you.

And would you like to see my, uh-- my India slides?

Um-- that's me drinking tea in Darjeeling.

That's me setting fire to a corpse in the Ganges,

which most tourists aren't allowed to do.

But I got permission, afterwards.

Hm.

So he's like me.

- Yeah, I get it. - We're opposite.

Yeah, I know. I get it.

Amazing.

You don't sound very amazed.

The last person your gyno sent us to was called Zoltan--

and he nearly burned your labia off in his diseased spa.

And before that--

Is this supposed to be you being funny?

And with that form that had, like,

20 questions about anal beads.

There was one.

It was hygiene related.

Forgive my cynicism.

I thought you'd be happy for me.

This could fix everything.

This could fix Charlie.

I just think we should check this guy out before we

go getting our hopes up.

I'm not getting my hopes up.

We don't even know what Dr. Sexpants is like.

He could be criminally insane.

Or he could be amazing.

We could become great friends.

[horn]

Are you sure this is the right place?

Apparently.

I was expecting something a bit more--

Sexy?

Velvet.

Maybe he's just humble?

Sex healers can be humble, right?

Sure.

Marvin Gaye seemed quite humble.

Don't.

And then his dad shot him.

Must you always?

Say your name?

McVie. Ruth McVie.

Do we really need to wear those?

Let's not set off on the wrong foot by violating park rules.

Purpose of visit?

We're here to see Marcus Dwyer.

What for?

Well, for-- private business.

Do you have an appointment?

He is fairly booked up.

Uh, it's me.

Just wondering how the appointment

diary is looking for today.

Yeah.

OK.

I'll let them know.

Well, it looks like he might have just got a sudden vacancy.

If you play your cards right.

That's terrific.

Thank you.

I didn't mean you.

I was referring, if we're going to be

specific about it, to your more attractive friend

here, with the swanking rack.

Now, if you'll follow me on the designated walking track,

I'll take you to the king, and we can make

this erotic dream a reality.

Look.

This place is full of freaks.

Don't say that.

What?

You can't call people with birth marks freaks.

That is not a birth mark.

It's like chewing gum exploded--

They're called port-wine stains.

A lot of people are born with them.

See, now, that's a creepily specific

name for a birth defects.

Why port-wine?

It's a birth defect.

It shouldn't make you feel thirsty.

Oh, god, look at that kid.

Is this seriously where he lives?

Your superior tone displays a distinct lack of knowledge

about luxury demountables. Come on, girls.

Let's do this.

I love this bit.

Oh, and this is a good one.

MAN [RECORDED]: Yes, can I help you?

Look at her face.

Oh, not him.

MAN [RECORDED]: You're not sure you can--

It's a fairly pertinent comment

on society's obsession with physical beauty,

when you think about it.

Enough about your psychological experiments, Marcus.

Tell us what you do.

Form an orderly queue, ladies.

I'll be glad to.

What I offer is a fairly straightforward procedure,

during which you will be penetrated, caressed, and left

with the sort of climax most people

describe as "the best thing I've ever experienced

without the assistance of a dolphin vibrator,

and or male prostitute.

Five stars."

Some say five and a half or six, but I

don't like to measure outside the more

conventional rating system.

So, uh, you're a bit of an arrogant asshole, Marcus?

Assholes cost extra.

[camera shutter clicking]

Now, I usually like to run through a few basics

before taking on new clients.

Bra size?

I don't see what that's got to do with anything.

It's a fairly simple checklist.

If you have a preferred position,

I can try to work with that.

Within reason.

I'm picky when it comes to virgins--

though I'm fairly sure that ship sailed long ago for you.

So, what-- what happens, exactly, Marcus,

in one of your treatments?

Well, basically it's just like your regular GP,

but instead of a thermometer, I use my penis.

I treat everything from pneumonia to foot rot.

Yet to meet a disease I can't handle.

And how long have you had this--

gift?

Was it something you noticed--

well, not from birth.

That would be weird.

But, um-- as far as partners go, have you always healed them?

What difference does it make?

I'm just getting a little-- background.

Why?

You're sick, I heal you.

With my genitals.

And if you don't believe me, go see some of my clients.

Sorry, you don't understand.

We're not here to use the service.

Well, then what?

If you're from Channel 9, I'm using my rape alarm.

I swear to God. - No, no.

You and I actually have something in--

Nothing! We're not here for anything.

Uh, we were just passing through.

Uh, wanted to see the freeway.

It's a lovely spot.

It was nice meeting you, Marcus.

Love what you've done with the place.

Probably could do with a bit more brown, though.

I was just about to tell him about me

and the Charlie situation.

I know, and that's why I stopped you.

Well, what for?

That guy it a total sham.

Did you get a load of him?

He looks like "The Scream."

- The what? - You know.

Painting. On a bridge.

[groaning]

Oh, that's slightly unkind.

No way that guy heals people with his semen.

He probably just once gave some poor, damaged "Twilight"

fan her first orgasm, and he's been

dining out on it ever since.

I mean, seriously?

Instead of a thermometer, I use my penis.

All right, you've made your point.

[steady beeping]

Poor Charlie.

He's not getting any better, is he?

How can you tell?

He looks really sick.

My cousin Amy looked the same just before she died.

Is this your cousin Amy that looks like--

[inaudible].

You know what this means, don't ya?

Probably shouldn't have bothered with the chocolates.

Of all the guys lucky enough to spend a night with Roo,

you'll be the only one alive.

And he rooted her after you.

You've defied the odds.

You've died, and come back to life.

You know what?

You're kind of like--

Jesus.

Jesus who?

I just wanted it to be real.

He could have changed everything.

It's nobody's fault that Marcus is a con artist.

Are you picturing him going down on someone right now?

Because I am.

Everything's so shit.

I know, right?

Marcus is a sham.

My marital status is still ambiguous.

I say we both go home and drink drambuie until one of us

pukes into the Insinkerator.

Still nothing?

He proposed.

I hurt him.

You don't imagine something like that.

Maybe his memory got wiped when he was brain dead.

You sure you want to marry Zach?

I don't expect you to understand,

but as maid of honor, I do expect you to be nice about it.

And wear a stupid dress.

And do the chicken dance.

Then ask him.

What if he only proposed because he

thought he was dying?

People say weird shit when they think they're going to die.

My uncle Rog said I ate a rock.

Oh my god.

Look!

Is that-- it's her!

Her who?

Marcus' power.

He healed her!

He cured the port-wine lady!

We have to go back.

- It's not a sign of anything. - We're going--

- It's probably make up. - We're going back!

Foundation.

Is this really necessary?

Really?

Shh!

Can I have a turn at being Danny Glover soon?

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Shh!

Oh, my bum's wet.

He's the real deal.

I can sense it.

Look!

A client!

Good to see she's not in a hurry.

Should we help? ROO: Shush!

Hello?

I have an appointment.

MARCUS: Come in.

WOMAN: Yeah.

Do you want me-- do you want me to--

MARCUS: No, you can take your own underpants off.

I'm not a performing monkey.

Ew.

Shh!

WOMAN: Will you, or will I--

[grunting]

WOMAN: Oh.

Oh.

[grunting]

I'm going to look.

You're not going to look!

Why else are we here?

We're here to watch strangers in wheelchairs

screw each other in demountables?

I need to know.

[moaning]

Is that it?

Maybe it's quality, not quantity?

And now she's walking?

I like how he got someone from the local panto company

in to help the scam along.

It's a nice touch.

I mean, just because she was in a wheelchair,

and now she's not doesn't mean anything.

I mean, maybe she's just lazy.

Roo?

Think of the opportunities.

I mean, Jesus, he got a lot done.

Yeah, can we talk about something else?

But you're exactly like him.

He went into the cave, died, and came out.

I was braindead.

Right.

For two minutes.

And you came back to tell the tale.

To spread the word.

Jesus got Christmas named after him.

You could do way better than that.

Being the new Jesus seems like it's probably,

you know, a lot of effort.

I'd rather just play Connect Four.

Hm?

Jesus got a lot of pussy.

Did he?

It's in the Bible.

I don't remember that bit.

It's in the sealed section.

Yeah, well, I don't want pussy.

What?

No-- well, you know, I do.

But, you know, just EJ's.

Pussy is such a brutal word, isn't it?

She'd love you being Jesus.

No.

She loves me just the way I am.

Connect four, bitch!

Ha ha!

You're out of your mind.

He's a pervert who preys on sick, desperate woman.

And heals them.

Don't fall for his scam.

You don't know for sure this is a scam.

This could be real.

I have a feeling about this.

A sense.

Like when you thought you could understand horses?

- That was never disproved. - Roo.

- I just want to talk to her. - What are you gonna open with?

Hi, we just deliberately listened to you have sex,

and we're wondering if it was magic?

Shh! She's just there.

Come on.

If she gives details, I'll vomit.

Hello. Hi.

Hi there.

Yes?

You don't know me, but I was just--

I was wondering if you'd mind if I asked you a few questions?

I already dontate to the Conservation Foundations.

Oh, no-- I was wanting to ask you about Marcus Dwyer.

I just saw you there, before, and--

after.

And I-- I wanted to know, what happened?

I'm sorry.

You must have me mistaken for someone else.

You were in a wheelchair, and now you're not.

I was at a day spa, having hydro treatment.

No, no.

You were having sex with Marcus.

He just cured you.

I am a married woman.

- Who can now walk. - Roo!

You saw her. She was there.

Let's go.

Yeah, I think you should.

My-- my husband will be here soon, and-- and I

don't he'd like what you're-- - Please.

No, you don't need to touch her.

- Please. - Give the woman--

- I need you to-- - We're just gonna go.

I'll pay you money. Let go of me!

All right, crazy lady.

I'm sorry.

I just-- I don't know what I'm doing.

I just really wanted it to be true.

I'm so sorry.

Do everything you can to see him.

Everything.

Just-- just don't open your eyes during, cause it's--

[car horn]

Here he is.

How are you feeling?

A bit weird.

Poor thing.

I was hearing voices.

- I'm so glad you're awake. - Yeah.

It doesn't make much difference, though, does it?

I'm going to die. - Don't say that.

We have to be realistic, Roo.

It's happening.

Maybe not.

Jam, fish, bike.

Yes!

right again.

What was your grade two teacher's name?

Mrs. Abrahams, but I called her Mrs. Baberahams.

She liked that.

I bet she did.

Do I get points for that, too?

Mhm.

What game is this?

It's just an early onset dementia test.

Like Cranium?

Sort of.

So, am I winning?

You are.

What happens now?

You tell me.

Is there anything you want to say to me?

Anything you feel we should discuss as a couple?

No.

Should we get a boat? - I give up.

- What? - I thought you'd changed.

I thought you were different. - I am.

I'm very different.

I thought you were better than--

I don't know. You know what?

Forget it. It doesn't matter.

Don't worry about what.

Well, now I am worried about it.

I have changed.

I might be Jesus.

Is that enough change?

Well, His second coming.

You know?

I don't like that term, though.

Well, he sounds like a bit of a freak.

More of an eccentric than a freak.

And you're sure he's not a con?

Positive.

Wow.

What about EJ? What does EJ think?

You just need to see him for yourself.

So what is it this guy does, exactly?

It's a very interesting technique, actually.

Which involves?

Just a-- a sort of--

massage.

A very deep tissue massage.

I don't know.

Mom's already taking me to get my aura cleansed.

Oh, this is totally different.

And what harm can it do trying--

lots of options?

Yeah, I guess so.

So-- you'll do it?

You'll come and see Marcus?

Sure.

What, now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ah!

Ow.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Pause.

Pause.

Do we really need to be in this much of a hurry?

Well, you want to get better, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, then, Marcus could provide some great insight

into your condition.

He's a very refreshing, sort of unconventional type of healer.

And also quite exotic looking, if you're looking

at him in the right light.

I thought you said he looked like a tall dwarf?

I did.

But there are a lot of sexy dwarves, who you--

you see in the station agent.

What does it matter if he's sexy or not?

It doesn't. I didn't-- I didn't say sexy.

I said exotic.

Now-- you know when you can tell someone's got a lot

going on under the surface?

Uh, so, do you like computers, Marcus?

I said, do you like com--

I heard you.

I'm just boggling at the level of inanity

attached to the question.

Is he always this tedious, or does he loosen up?

Just making small talk.

Small talk is for single mothers.

There's no point in getting nasty.

You're, um-- do you have a hanky?

You've been on a drip.

That's for fluids.

If he has a heart attack halfway through me doing you,

I'm not going to stop and revive him.

- What? - No, no.

We're not--

No, it's all well and good saying, oh, we're open minded.

We'll try anything-- and then getting

all worked up the minute another man starts

to penetrate your girlfriend.

I'm sorry--

No cameras, no iPhones, and if you must pleasure yourself,

do it with the courtesy of finishing off into a tissue.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

There's been a understanding.

You're not doing me.

Oh my god!

Let's not make any hasty decisions.

I do not do men.

You are-- no way.

You said he did deep tissue massage.

You're trying to set us up?

Oh, god, don't make me puke. - Can we just go?

Grow up, Charlie!

This isn't schoolboy stuff.

You're dying!

I'm sorry to be blunt, but we both know it.

You are.

And you have a chance to save yourself,

if you just open your mind.

It's not his mind that'd be opened.

You are not helping.

Nobody's being open by anybody.

Can we just go? - He is very attractive.

You know?

And very inventive in the bedroom.

I'll be in the car.

Well may he be, young lady, and I

applaud your good fortune.

Charlie!

But that piece of tail is not being treated.

What's wrong with you, Marcus?

Are you homophobic, or something?

Yes, frankly.

I can't stand fags.

Don't call them that.

They're on a par with blacks, refugees,

women drivers, and vegetarians.

- Blacks? - I could go on.

Great.

So you're a bigot.

No.

I can't stand bigots, either.

You're unbelievable.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

This is entirely unfair.

I'm not giving your jaundiced boyfriend the treatment.

You're out of your mind.

I have standards.

Can't we just please talk about this?

No!

Just get out of my cabin.

CHARLIE: Roo?

Aw, little Bobby chemo face wants his teddy.

Next!

[theme music]

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