All language subtitles for Laid s02e01.eng

I'm Tutankhamun.

Anyone who enters my tomb is
doomed with an Egyptian curse.

Brendan was the first to go.

Davy was hit by a car.

And Layton had an aneurysm.

A penis aneurysm?

Is there such a thing
as a penis aneurysm?

Did we-- oh my god.

This is like a nightmare.

You slept with my best friend?

Uh, I'm officially dying.

I just can't go
on dates right now.

It's complicated.

She thinks she's
killing people.

- What?
- With sex.

Why is this happening?

Yeah, why are you doing this?

And how are you
going to fix it?

I'm doing my best, I promise.

I went to a shaman.

Do you know anyone who'd
commit to a relationship

with someone they can
never have sex with?

EJ, you're the
woman of my dreams.

Marry me.

[beeping]

What is this?

Make love to my son, Roo.

I wouldn't be here if I
didn't think it was worth it.

If you weren't worth it.

Charlie?

[theme music]

THEME SONG: There's
one pet I like to pet,

and every evening we get set.

I stoke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy.

Off the nit goes out tonight,
returns the break of dawn.

No matter what the
weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that
it loves, and we

spoon like two turtledoves.

I take care to remove my gloves
when stroking my girl's pussy.

You said it was over.

You said they'd be OK.

Sleep with my son, Roo.

Sleep with my son.

Those words are-- are
burned into my brain.

Actually, she said
make love to my son.

10 points, Marion.

Chalk that one up.

Look, I thought it
was going to be fine.

Do you think I would
risk my own son's life?

You thought it was?

I have never encountered
a sexual death curse before

until I met your daughter.

MARION: Now, wait a minute--

You can't blame her!

Look, I realize this
must be hard, with Charlie

lying here like this.

- You're taking her side!
- I am not siding.

I just--

Can't you just show some
support for Roo for once?

You're always so quick to
think that she's in the wrong.

Are you--

I don't envy your karma!

Oh, here we go with
the new age crap.

I'm not the one
talking to dead people!

Oh, you would if
you had half a chance.

Hell, you'd probably throw
a talking to dead persons

workshop in the front room.

Yeah.

And what have you done, Graham?

What have you actually
done to stop this?

You two can just
fuck right off.

ZACH: So, you know, it wasn't,
like, a white light, exactly.

More like-- you know
when you, like--

you drape a sarong over a lamp.

Zach?

I'm-- I'm helping.

You're not.

I'm-- I'm sharing
my knowledge.

This is my gift.

My grief gift.
- Yep.

You were braindead
for two minutes,

and we're all very impressed.

But if you could just--
- No.

Yes.

I-- I died.

And I came back.

I'm just saying,
Charlie might, too.

There's hope.

I'm so sorry.

And not just for
Zach being a dick.

ZACH: Hey!

He's dying.

You don't know that.

He was fine, we had
sex, now he's not.

And no one can tell me anything.

It's all my fault.

It's not your fault. It's not.

It's Jan's fault.

A 29-year-old
female caucasoid, no

genital abnormalities or STIs.

I give you Ruth Eleanor McVie.

Every man she's ever
slept with has died.

All 22 of them.

Treatments pursued?

Yes.

Reproductive shaman.

Shaman.

Shaman-- which
was unsuccessful.

And also, a sort of
afterlife intervention,

also seemingly unsuccessful.

The latest one is in a coma, and
he has such full, pouting lips.

There is a case I'm
reminded of that may be,

indeed, both insightful
and enlightening.

That is, if you'd care
to learn more, Greg?

Yeah.

Are you out of your mind?

My boyfriend's dying,
my vagina is cursed,

and you want to set
me up with someone?

Shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush.

Hush.

If your mouth is open, then
your ears and your mind are not.

Now, I know this must be
very difficult for you.

I can't imagine how desperately
alone you must feel.

Lost, even.

But this needn't be the case.

Because there is somebody who
knows you even better than I

do.

His name is Marcus Dwyer.

Now, you have a lot in common.

You are opposite sides
of the same coin.

You have a bad side, obviously.

You're the platypus, and he
is Her Majesty, the Queen.

I'm assuming it's a 20 cent
piece, and you're a monarchist.

If you're a republican,
I'd switch that.

Wait, so this--

this Marcus also
kills people with sex?

No, no, no.

No, no.

You're opposite sides
of the same coin.

So he heals people.

With his penis?

Well, he's Her
Majesty, so he anoints

your shoulders with Her sword.

That's a nicer way
of looking at it.

Anyway, that's for you.

And would you like to see
my, uh-- my India slides?

Um-- that's me drinking
tea in Darjeeling.

That's me setting fire to
a corpse in the Ganges,

which most tourists
aren't allowed to do.

But I got permission,
afterwards.

Hm.

So he's like me.

- Yeah, I get it.
- We're opposite.

Yeah, I know.
I get it.

Amazing.

You don't sound very amazed.

The last person your gyno
sent us to was called Zoltan--

and he nearly burned your
labia off in his diseased spa.

And before that--

Is this supposed to
be you being funny?

And with that
form that had, like,

20 questions about anal beads.

There was one.

It was hygiene related.

Forgive my cynicism.

I thought you'd
be happy for me.

This could fix everything.

This could fix Charlie.

I just think we should
check this guy out before we

go getting our hopes up.

I'm not getting my hopes up.

We don't even know what
Dr. Sexpants is like.

He could be criminally insane.

Or he could be amazing.

We could become great friends.

[horn]

Are you sure this
is the right place?

Apparently.

I was expecting
something a bit more--

Sexy?

Velvet.

Maybe he's just humble?

Sex healers can
be humble, right?

Sure.

Marvin Gaye seemed quite humble.

Don't.

And then his dad shot him.

Must you always?

Say your name?

McVie.
Ruth McVie.

Do we really
need to wear those?

Let's not set off on the wrong
foot by violating park rules.

Purpose of visit?

We're here to
see Marcus Dwyer.

What for?

Well, for-- private business.

Do you have an appointment?

He is fairly booked up.

Uh, it's me.

Just wondering how
the appointment

diary is looking for today.

Yeah.

OK.

I'll let them know.

Well, it looks like he might
have just got a sudden vacancy.

If you play your cards right.

That's terrific.

Thank you.

I didn't mean you.

I was referring, if
we're going to be

specific about it, to your
more attractive friend

here, with the swanking rack.

Now, if you'll follow me on
the designated walking track,

I'll take you to the
king, and we can make

this erotic dream a reality.

Look.

This place is full of freaks.

Don't say that.

What?

You can't call people
with birth marks freaks.

That is not a birth mark.

It's like chewing gum exploded--

They're called
port-wine stains.

A lot of people
are born with them.

See, now, that's
a creepily specific

name for a birth defects.

Why port-wine?

It's a birth defect.

It shouldn't make
you feel thirsty.

Oh, god, look at that kid.

Is this seriously
where he lives?

Your superior tone displays
a distinct lack of knowledge

about luxury demountables.
Come on, girls.

Let's do this.

I love this bit.

Oh, and this is a good one.

MAN [RECORDED]:
Yes, can I help you?

Look at her face.

Oh, not him.

MAN [RECORDED]: You're
not sure you can--

It's a fairly
pertinent comment

on society's obsession
with physical beauty,

when you think about it.

Enough about your psychological
experiments, Marcus.

Tell us what you do.

Form an orderly queue, ladies.

I'll be glad to.

What I offer is a fairly
straightforward procedure,

during which you will be
penetrated, caressed, and left

with the sort of
climax most people

describe as "the best
thing I've ever experienced

without the assistance
of a dolphin vibrator,

and or male prostitute.

Five stars."

Some say five and a
half or six, but I

don't like to measure
outside the more

conventional rating system.

So, uh, you're a bit of
an arrogant asshole, Marcus?

Assholes cost extra.

[camera shutter clicking]

Now, I usually like to
run through a few basics

before taking on new clients.

Bra size?

I don't see what that's
got to do with anything.

It's a fairly
simple checklist.

If you have a
preferred position,

I can try to work with that.

Within reason.

I'm picky when it
comes to virgins--

though I'm fairly sure that
ship sailed long ago for you.

So, what-- what
happens, exactly, Marcus,

in one of your treatments?

Well, basically it's
just like your regular GP,

but instead of a
thermometer, I use my penis.

I treat everything from
pneumonia to foot rot.

Yet to meet a disease
I can't handle.

And how long
have you had this--

gift?

Was it something you noticed--

well, not from birth.

That would be weird.

But, um-- as far as partners
go, have you always healed them?

What difference does it make?

I'm just getting a little--
background.

Why?

You're sick, I heal you.

With my genitals.

And if you don't believe me,
go see some of my clients.

Sorry, you don't understand.

We're not here to
use the service.

Well, then what?

If you're from Channel 9,
I'm using my rape alarm.

I swear to God.
- No, no.

You and I actually
have something in--

Nothing!
We're not here for anything.

Uh, we were just
passing through.

Uh, wanted to see the freeway.

It's a lovely spot.

It was nice meeting you, Marcus.

Love what you've
done with the place.

Probably could do with a
bit more brown, though.

I was just about
to tell him about me

and the Charlie situation.

I know, and that's
why I stopped you.

Well, what for?

That guy it a total sham.

Did you get a load of him?

He looks like "The Scream."

- The what?
- You know.

Painting.
On a bridge.

[groaning]

Oh, that's slightly unkind.

No way that guy heals
people with his semen.

He probably just once gave
some poor, damaged "Twilight"

fan her first
orgasm, and he's been

dining out on it ever since.

I mean, seriously?

Instead of a thermometer,
I use my penis.

All right, you've
made your point.

[steady beeping]

Poor Charlie.

He's not getting
any better, is he?

How can you tell?

He looks really sick.

My cousin Amy looked the
same just before she died.

Is this your cousin
Amy that looks like--

[inaudible].

You know what this
means, don't ya?

Probably shouldn't have
bothered with the chocolates.

Of all the guys lucky enough
to spend a night with Roo,

you'll be the only one alive.

And he rooted her after you.

You've defied the odds.

You've died, and
come back to life.

You know what?

You're kind of like--

Jesus.

Jesus who?

I just wanted it to be real.

He could have
changed everything.

It's nobody's fault that
Marcus is a con artist.

Are you picturing him going
down on someone right now?

Because I am.

Everything's so shit.

I know, right?

Marcus is a sham.

My marital status
is still ambiguous.

I say we both go home and
drink drambuie until one of us

pukes into the Insinkerator.

Still nothing?

He proposed.

I hurt him.

You don't imagine
something like that.

Maybe his memory got wiped
when he was brain dead.

You sure you
want to marry Zach?

I don't expect
you to understand,

but as maid of honor, I do
expect you to be nice about it.

And wear a stupid dress.

And do the chicken dance.

Then ask him.

What if he only
proposed because he

thought he was dying?

People say weird shit when they
think they're going to die.

My uncle Rog said I ate a rock.

Oh my god.

Look!

Is that-- it's her!

Her who?

Marcus' power.

He healed her!

He cured the port-wine lady!

We have to go back.

- It's not a sign of anything.
- We're going--

- It's probably make up.
- We're going back!

Foundation.

Is this really necessary?

Really?

Shh!

Can I have a turn at
being Danny Glover soon?

I'm getting too
old for this shit.

Shh!

Oh, my bum's wet.

He's the real deal.

I can sense it.

Look!

A client!

Good to see she's
not in a hurry.

Should we help?
ROO: Shush!

Hello?

I have an appointment.

MARCUS: Come in.

WOMAN: Yeah.

Do you want me--
do you want me to--

MARCUS: No, you can take
your own underpants off.

I'm not a performing monkey.

Ew.

Shh!

WOMAN: Will you, or will I--

[grunting]

WOMAN: Oh.

Oh.

[grunting]

I'm going to look.

You're not going to look!

Why else are we here?

We're here to watch
strangers in wheelchairs

screw each other
in demountables?

I need to know.

[moaning]

Is that it?

Maybe it's quality,
not quantity?

And now she's walking?

I like how he got someone
from the local panto company

in to help the scam along.

It's a nice touch.

I mean, just because
she was in a wheelchair,

and now she's not
doesn't mean anything.

I mean, maybe she's just lazy.

Roo?

Think of the opportunities.

I mean, Jesus, he
got a lot done.

Yeah, can we talk
about something else?

But you're exactly like him.

He went into the cave,
died, and came out.

I was braindead.

Right.

For two minutes.

And you came back
to tell the tale.

To spread the word.

Jesus got Christmas
named after him.

You could do way
better than that.

Being the new Jesus
seems like it's probably,

you know, a lot of effort.

I'd rather just
play Connect Four.

Hm?

Jesus got a lot of pussy.

Did he?

It's in the Bible.

I don't remember that bit.

It's in the sealed section.

Yeah, well, I
don't want pussy.

What?

No-- well, you know, I do.

But, you know, just EJ's.

Pussy is such a
brutal word, isn't it?

She'd love you being Jesus.

No.

She loves me just the way I am.

Connect four, bitch!

Ha ha!

You're out of your mind.

He's a pervert who preys
on sick, desperate woman.

And heals them.

Don't fall for his scam.

You don't know for
sure this is a scam.

This could be real.

I have a feeling about this.

A sense.

Like when you thought you
could understand horses?

- That was never disproved.
- Roo.

- I just want to talk to her.
- What are you gonna open with?

Hi, we just deliberately
listened to you have sex,

and we're wondering
if it was magic?

Shh!
She's just there.

Come on.

If she gives
details, I'll vomit.

Hello.
Hi.

Hi there.

Yes?

You don't know
me, but I was just--

I was wondering if you'd mind
if I asked you a few questions?

I already dontate to the
Conservation Foundations.

Oh, no-- I was wanting to
ask you about Marcus Dwyer.

I just saw you
there, before, and--

after.

And I-- I wanted to
know, what happened?

I'm sorry.

You must have me mistaken
for someone else.

You were in a wheelchair,
and now you're not.

I was at a day spa,
having hydro treatment.

No, no.

You were having sex with Marcus.

He just cured you.

I am a married woman.

- Who can now walk.
- Roo!

You saw her.
She was there.

Let's go.

Yeah, I think you should.

My-- my husband will be
here soon, and-- and I

don't he'd like what you're--
- Please.

No, you don't
need to touch her.

- Please.
- Give the woman--

- I need you to--
- We're just gonna go.

I'll pay you money.
Let go of me!

All right, crazy lady.

I'm sorry.

I just-- I don't
know what I'm doing.

I just really wanted
it to be true.

I'm so sorry.

Do everything
you can to see him.

Everything.

Just-- just don't open your
eyes during, cause it's--

[car horn]

Here he is.

How are you feeling?

A bit weird.

Poor thing.

I was hearing voices.

- I'm so glad you're awake.
- Yeah.

It doesn't make much
difference, though, does it?

I'm going to die.
- Don't say that.

We have to be realistic, Roo.

It's happening.

Maybe not.

Jam, fish, bike.

Yes!

right again.

What was your grade
two teacher's name?

Mrs. Abrahams, but I
called her Mrs. Baberahams.

She liked that.

I bet she did.

Do I get points for that, too?

Mhm.

What game is this?

It's just an early
onset dementia test.

Like Cranium?

Sort of.

So, am I winning?

You are.

What happens now?

You tell me.

Is there anything you
want to say to me?

Anything you feel we
should discuss as a couple?

No.

Should we get a boat?
- I give up.

- What?
- I thought you'd changed.

I thought you were different.
- I am.

I'm very different.

I thought you
were better than--

I don't know.
You know what?

Forget it.
It doesn't matter.

Don't worry about what.

Well, now I am
worried about it.

I have changed.

I might be Jesus.

Is that enough change?

Well, His second coming.

You know?

I don't like that term, though.

Well, he sounds
like a bit of a freak.

More of an eccentric
than a freak.

And you're sure
he's not a con?

Positive.

Wow.

What about EJ?
What does EJ think?

You just need to
see him for yourself.

So what is it this
guy does, exactly?

It's a very interesting
technique, actually.

Which involves?

Just a-- a sort of--

massage.

A very deep tissue massage.

I don't know.

Mom's already taking me
to get my aura cleansed.

Oh, this is totally different.

And what harm can it do trying--

lots of options?

Yeah, I guess so.

So-- you'll do it?

You'll come and see Marcus?

Sure.

What, now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ah!

Ow.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Pause.

Pause.

Do we really need to be
in this much of a hurry?

Well, you want to
get better, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, then, Marcus could
provide some great insight

into your condition.

He's a very refreshing, sort of
unconventional type of healer.

And also quite exotic
looking, if you're looking

at him in the right light.

I thought you said he
looked like a tall dwarf?

I did.

But there are a lot of
sexy dwarves, who you--

you see in the station agent.

What does it matter
if he's sexy or not?

It doesn't.
I didn't-- I didn't say sexy.

I said exotic.

Now-- you know when you can
tell someone's got a lot

going on under the surface?

Uh, so, do you like
computers, Marcus?

I said, do you like com--

I heard you.

I'm just boggling at
the level of inanity

attached to the question.

Is he always this tedious,
or does he loosen up?

Just making small talk.

Small talk is
for single mothers.

There's no point
in getting nasty.

You're, um-- do
you have a hanky?

You've been on a drip.

That's for fluids.

If he has a heart attack
halfway through me doing you,

I'm not going to
stop and revive him.

- What?
- No, no.

We're not--

No, it's all well and good
saying, oh, we're open minded.

We'll try anything--
and then getting

all worked up the minute
another man starts

to penetrate your girlfriend.

I'm sorry--

No cameras, no iPhones, and
if you must pleasure yourself,

do it with the courtesy of
finishing off into a tissue.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

There's been a understanding.

You're not doing me.

Oh my god!

Let's not make
any hasty decisions.

I do not do men.

You are-- no way.

You said he did
deep tissue massage.

You're trying to set us up?

Oh, god, don't make me puke.
- Can we just go?

Grow up, Charlie!

This isn't schoolboy stuff.

You're dying!

I'm sorry to be blunt,
but we both know it.

You are.

And you have a chance
to save yourself,

if you just open your mind.

It's not his mind
that'd be opened.

You are not helping.

Nobody's being
open by anybody.

Can we just go?
- He is very attractive.

You know?

And very inventive
in the bedroom.

I'll be in the car.

Well may he be,
young lady, and I

applaud your good fortune.

Charlie!

But that piece of tail
is not being treated.

What's wrong with you, Marcus?

Are you homophobic,
or something?

Yes, frankly.

I can't stand fags.

Don't call them that.

They're on a par
with blacks, refugees,

women drivers, and vegetarians.

- Blacks?
- I could go on.

Great.

So you're a bigot.

No.

I can't stand bigots, either.

You're unbelievable.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

This is entirely unfair.

I'm not giving your jaundiced
boyfriend the treatment.

You're out of your mind.

I have standards.

Can't we just please
talk about this?

No!

Just get out of my cabin.

CHARLIE: Roo?

Aw, little Bobby chemo
face wants his teddy.

Next!

[theme music]

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