Original subtitles

What is this exactly?

It's your ex board.

All your ex's dead and alive and in danger.

Hi.

I wanted to tell you in person.

I'm dying.

Three weeks?

Really?

- So these guys are just dying? - In order.

And you don't know why?

No idea.

I'm involved in it because of you, because we did it.

Where have you two been?

Nowhere.

Why is your picture on there?

[THEME MUSIC - R CRUMB & HIS CHEAP SUIT SERENADERS,

"MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

[growling]

Are we up?

What is this vision I see before me?

Morning, Dad.

I'll put the kettle on.

I'm sure EJ will call back.

I don't know.

I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.

How long since you've spoken?

Ages.

She must be fairly cross. - Marion?

What?

GRAHAM: That's not very constructive.

How do you think Roo feels?

She had sex with Zach.

GRAHAM: They were broken up at the time.

What, so Mike and [inaudible] Baker would be fair

game for her too, would they?

That was a temporary separation

because of Mike's impotence.

It's very helpful really.

Can we move on to debating my sex life in further detail?

You and EJ have been friends for years, love.

You'll work through this.

Still, it's one of those unwritten women's

laws, isn't it?

What is?

Not having sex with your best friend's boyfriend.

I've obviously gone wrong somewhere in raising you.

That must be it.

People do things when they're drunk, love.

Things that aren't meant.

I think I just have to get used to the idea

that she might never ring, and the friendship is over.

All because I'm a massive dickhead.

EJ: You're not listening. - I am.

You're not.

You just keep talking over me.

I am.

I am.

I'm listening.

Watch me listen.

You're acting like this isn't a big deal.

ZACH: Because it isn't.

You slept with my best friend.

Your ex-best friend.

She wasn't my ex best friend when

you slept with her, was she?

She's my ex best friend because you had sex with her.

When we'd broken up.

That doesn't make any difference.

Why not?

Because it doesn't.

It's the rules.

What about the Gizz sisters then?

Excuse me?

The Gizz sisters.

You know, isn't supposed to be cool for like two friends

to sleep with the same guy, and then

you're all like, oh, hey, let's compare notes on his wang.

And then eat pizza and hit each other

with feather pillows and stuff.

Where do you get this stuff?

[inaudible].

You know what?

Whether we're on a break or not is truly irrelevant.

You could have banged any tart who

finds your Napoleon Dynamite impression funny,

but you didn't.

You choose someone that I have a very strong connection with.

Surely, even you can see how hurtful that would be.

I'm amazed that you can even be bothered getting into a tizz

about all this right now.

Has it even registered with you that considering

what's happening with Roo at the moment

that I'm officially dying?

Dying.

OK, yes, I made a mistake.

And yes, you got massively upset about it,

but at least you get to live, EJ.

At least you get to breathe God's air.

It's a bit melodramatic, don't you think?

Dying.

The doctors say it's only a matter of weeks.

This is all my fault.

Oh, darling, don't be silly.

It's nobody's fault.

We just have to accept that he's not going to get better.

Bev and I have made our peace with that.

We just want him to slip calmly away.

Come on, let's give them some time alone.

God, Andrew, this is awful.

I can't believe it might be my fault

that this is happening to you.

I'm so-- I'm so sorry.

I break people.

I just wish this last part wasn't so hard for you.

God, I owe you.

Maybe I can end your pain.

OK then.

I guess at least now I know he won't

be in pain for much longer.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

I suppose.

Saying goodbye is hard, isn't it?

I just wanted to fix things, Dad.

I don't know if I did the right thing.

Andrew's been a big part of your life for a long time.

You needed closure.

What do you mean fix things?

He deserved to die with dignity, didn't he?

I mean, everyone-- everyone deserves to die with dignity.

Doesn't matter how it happens.

Do you mean euthanasia?

You didn't smother Andrew with a pillow, did you?

Dad.

You know I love and support you, darling,

but this is not "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,"

and you are not the Chief.

I did not smother Andrew with a pillow.

I just said goodbye to him intimately.

Intimately?

How intimately?

You don't want to know.

You didn't touch his bits, did you?

Forget Get it.

I should never have mentioned anything.

You did, didn't you?

You touched his bits.

Why would you do that?

It is some kind of necrophilia kind of situation?

It's nothing. Don't worry.

I should talk to EJ about this.

- You and EJ aren't speaking. - I know.

That's another problem.

Honestly.

Necrophilia.

It's not necrophilia.

All right.

So do you want us to talk about the ad or--

Just write down your thoughts and put in the box

when you're done.

You OK?

No.

I think the PowerPoint machine is going to work on its own,

if you want me to go.

I can-- I can go back to your gyno

and pretend to be working on the computers again.

I think that guy-- that guy's cheating.

That guy.

The guy in the--

[inaudible], keep your eyes on your work, please.

do You want to come to a party with me?

Yeah, well, they've designed these in a way too,

so that you know sometimes there's like a whole other part

of the control under there.

And look, it's just a matter of making sure

the button that says automatic is off

and that should work directly with the DVD.

That is something else.

Isn't that something else?

Dad's been trying to fix that for seven years.

You must be very talented, Charlie.

Oh, look, it's really not that hard.

I actually did a course in remote controls in Tyff.

What about this one?

I keep trying to change the Foxtail channel with it.

But it does absolutely booger all.

Yeah, that's probably because it's the remote control

for the garage door.

Perhaps we should label them?

I've got a label maker in my bag.

Isn't that nice, Nan-Nan?

You can watch [inaudible] on your birthday.

Don't waste your breath, sweetheart.

She's a deaf old shit.

Mom.

Ice cream cake.

Why she would want that tonight, I do not know.

Ice cream cake at 92.

Might as well throw her into a vat of ricotta cheese

and make her swim her way out.

She likes ice cream.

She likes making a mess and having me clean her up.

Don't you, Mom?

Like a good scrubbing in the shower?

Like a hose down?

I say this with affection, mind.

Uh-huh.

You do email on that?

Uh, no, it's a label maker.

He's wonderful.

Yes, he is.

I know.

And he has his own label maker.

Hey, look at this, will ya?

Well, at least, if anyone spikes your drink,

we'll know it's on purpose.

You gonna ask him to stay the night in the caravan?

- No, thank you. - Oh, go on.

I would.

Nan.

He's wonderful.

You're wonderful.

Spend the night together.

I can't.

Why not?

Because-- because everyone I have sex with dies, frankly.

How the exact sentence I imagined

saying to my grandmother on Nan-Nan's birthday, but there

you are.

Everyone I have sex with dies.

Oh, darling.

Me too.

Really?

Really.

So this-- wait a minute, so this is a thing?

Some kind of family thing?

Is the cake ready yet, Mom?

I'm not sure if she's going to stay awake for much

longer without medication.

Traveling.

Oh, no, prop her up.

She can't eat cake like that.

[SINGING] For she's a jolly good fellow,

and so say all of us.

Hip hip.

Horray.

Hip hip.

Hooray.

I won't ask her to blow out the candles.

Let's learn our lesson from last year.

I might need help.

Can I serve anyone some cake?

Roo?

It's got trees on it.

Roo?

I'll have some, Charlie.

Mind you, leave off the little plastic gopher.

I wouldn't want to get a nine iron stuck in my throat.

Four.

I like golfing jokes.

Oh, Nan-Nan's in the bath.

How she managed to get ice cream cake in her armpit,

I'll never know.

It's a gift.

Listen, Nan.

What you said before about everyone

you've ever been with dying?

What's going-- oh, god, Nan-Nan's in the bath.

You might have warned me.

Well, you didn't knock, did you?

Well, I didn't know I was going

to be faced with her hacky sacks when I walked in the door,

did I?

Mom, we're kind of in the middle of something.

You know, Charlie's stuck out there with your father,

don't you?

We're talking about sex.

Oh.

Girl talk. Who's sexing who?

Is this about Zach?

I always thought he'd be rather well-endowed.

The scruffy one?

Oh, I wouldn't have thought so.

Oh my god.

So you run a men's group?

A few actually.

You interested?

No.

No, I meant-- I was just making--

Small talk.

Yeah.

We deal a lot with, uh, communication issues.

I don't think I've got communication issues.

You seem to have a problem with silence.

No, no.

I mean, I was just being polite.

Showing an interest?

CHARLIE: Right.

Never be afraid of silence, Charlie.

It can reveal a lot of truths.

I didn't think I was.

Never be afraid of silence.

It effects you deeply, anything like this, doesn't it?

When your lover's passed, and you're

taken back to that moment in your life when you were theirs.

Just a moment of beautiful romantic grief.

Who were they?

The men?

Oh, there was Johnny Miller.

He was many moons ago, of course.

And your Pop.

What?

That's it?

That's it.

Can I have a turn now?

Aren't all yours still alive?

Well, of course, they are.

Then no.

But Pop only died last year of natural causes.

NAN: So?

So So when did Johnny Miller die?

Oh, it was June.

2006, I think it was.

I still think of him from time to time.

Oh, your lovers die eventually when you get to my age.

That's the other head one.

That's the kitchen.

That's the pool.

I've forgotten what this one was.

I put it in after I saw spooks, you know.

I want to get a surveillance camera outside.

I love machines. I just love machines.

I'm not very good at them, but I love machines.

Oh, that one-- that one's a secret one that turns

on the passageway over there.

And that one's the garage, so you can--

you got any questions?

What is that one?

What did you say that one do again?

You know, I once did it with Rick Springfield

in the back of a Datsun 121?

Oh, Mom, please.

How come I have to sit here and listen to my mother talk

about her sex life, and yet when I do it

suddenly it's revolting?

Because I was trying to work something out.

Work what out?

What are you talking about?

Go on, go on, do it again.

You're right.

It bloody was the garage door.

The neighbors must have thought we'd gone mad.

Is Roo coming--

Do it again.

Winder her.

Let it go.

Yes.

It's the door.

Go on.

I'm sue they're not all dying.

They are.

Brendan, Laden, that guy with the wonky eye you always used

to think was winking at you.

Oh, it's a series of unfortunate coincidences.

You're being hysterical. - It's not.

Why won't you listen?

I thought we were going to sit here and have

a good old natter about sex.

Now, you're being morbid.

I'm not. whole

Oh, elections station.

Mom's done a poo in the bath.

It's just a little one.

Grab the rubber gloves there.

Where's Charlie?

No, I offered to play around the mastermind with him,

and all of a sudden he said he had to go.

You're not going to do that unconscious thing with him too,

are you?

[cellphone ringing]

Shit.

GRAHAM: Morning, sweetheart, sleep well?

Not really.

Is the grim reaper hungry?

Mom, that's not funny.

NAN: I'm sorry, darling, but the whole thing

is just too ridiculous.

- What do you mean Grim Reaper? - Nothing.

She means nothing.

She thinks she's killing people.

What?

With sex.

Oh, is that what the necrophilia talk was all about.

NAN: What necrophilia talk?

I'm not a necrophiliac.

Oh, you mean like the AIDS?

It's not the AIDS.

It's her imagination.

And that's why I didn't want to tell you.

Thank you for listening.

Well, if it is the AIDS, we can still support her.

Look at that Greg Louganis guy.

He's done all right for himself.

Magic Johnson.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm glad you could make it in time.

Is he really that close?

Doctors reckon it's a matter of hours.

Shit.

I know.

Ready?

I don't know.

Apparently, there are magic turtles in here.

Gold ones.

This must be the night he went to the casino.

Remember he got the currency wrong?

Thought he was betting $0.50 and he was betting $50.

And that's why he rang us at 4:00 in the morning

because he was broke.

Market food.

He always loved his market food.

This is the real McCoy now.

I'm gonna be honest with ya.

I'm a little worried about pickpockets [inaudible],

but I'm gonna be cool.

CLERK: Mister, mister, you want DVD?

ANDREW: No, no, no, no DVD.

Want necklace for girlfriend?

ANDREW: No, thank you.

No, no, no.

I a spiritual doctor.

[inaudible]

ANDREW: Really?

$10 for you.

ANDREW: No, no, no. I'm fine.

Thank you.

Someone break your heart, I put the curse for you.

ANDREW: Well, there's an ex-girlfriend.

CLERK: Yes.

Girlfriend my specialty [inaudible].

ANDREW: You might can feel how it is to lose people?

Can you do that?

CLERK: Cheap. $10 for you.

ANDREW: $10?

No, no. $5, you have a deal. - OK.

ANDREW: $5?

All right, that's a good deal.

That's a good deal.

I think I'll just start monkeying with a hat.

Can we rewind that?

I think it's a curse.

Andrew put a curse on me.

Look, I really, really miss you, and I love you.

And I know I messed up, but there's a reason now.

I'm cursed.

Sorry, the curse made you have sex with Zach?

I know that was an forgivable, but I really need you

to help me work through this.

Mom and Dad just think I'm mental.

I can't talk right now.

Where are you going?

My cousin's funeral.

Oh, my god, which one?

Stuart.

He was in a car accident.

You didn't happen to have sex with him, did you?

I have to go.

Just pull the door shut and try not to have sex

with anything while I'm out.

So you can be here and you just press new game

and then someone appears, and you just chat to them.

Oh.

It's not all penises.

You get used to it actually.

Oh. [meowing]

OK, sorry.

That is not on.

I'm going to report them to the over-writers,

but it's pretty good for the most part.

Just the other day I was talking to the actress who

played Precious in that movie.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I suppose it could've been just a fat chick in a mask.

Hi.

Hi, Roo, now, have you played this Chat [inaudible]?

Isn't that the one with all the penises?

Never mind.

Can you talk for a sec?

I'm a bit busy now actually.

ROO: I meant Charlie.

What about?

It's kind of--

I just wanted to say, um, sorry that things got a bit busy.

What did?

My great grandmother's birthday.

That's OK.

ROO: It's not really. - Forget about it.

It doesn't matter.

Have you guys, uh?

What?

You have.

Um, Nan-Nan just had to take a bath.

Gross.

We got caught up talking, and it was stupid and thoughtless.

It's done now, OK?

Don't-- don't worry about it.

OK.

[inaudible] You totally [inaudible] her, man.

Oh. Hello.

Hi.

I'm Darren.

Now they've gone.

I can't believe it.

I know, right?

No one here can explain it, and you know what doctors are like.

They don't exactly like to use the word miracle,

but here I am.

And you're better?

I don't know about completely cured,

but apparently, I was a couple of hours off,

you know, and now, I'm getting better every hour.

This just makes no sense at all.

And it's amazing. Really great.

There's really no easy way to ask this.

Did you put a curse on me a couple of years ago?

What?

A curse?

You were on holiday, some guy was going to put

a curse on your ex, and--

That's right.

Aw, look, that was nothing.

Just a little curse.

He was also selling chickens and wedding planner DVDs.

I don't think he could put a curse on anybody.

You're not seriously upset, are you?

Everything's shit.

Everyone's dying, and I thought that was the reason,

because you cursed me.

I'm not dying.

You were.

I was, but something happened.

Now, I'm not.

Look, I know I don't really know you or anything, or what

your intentions with Roo.

OK, I'm just going to say it, but go with me,

because it does sound a little bit weird.

You're probably going to die.

Sorry?

Yeah.

I know it's a bit intense, but trust me,

it's better hearing it firsthand,

one brother to another.

[inaudible]?

Thanks for meeting me.

I'm not going to lie to you, Roo.

Life's pretty rough at the moment.

It's hard to go anywhere without,

you know, totally expecting to die.

I mean, right now, part of me's like is this beer poisoned?

And there's another part that's like,

well, fuck it, just drink it.

Life's for living.

That's-- that's deep.

Time's ticking away, man.

Ticking away.

Maybe not.

No.

I'm next.

That's how it goes.

Maybe, I might have found a loophole.

What do you mean?

Well, I went back there with an ex, Andrew, he was sick.

He was really sick.

After we, you know, he got better.

What are you doing?

Are you crazy?

Let's do this.

Let's get this over with.

I want to shake this bitch curse.

It's not definite. It's a theory.

It's definite enough for me.

I'm not gonna have sex with you on the table.

Toilets, then.

There's plenty of room in the disabled

if you don't want the smell.

Look, even if it worked, I can't do this to EJ again.

You guys need to talk.

It's not morally right.

Fuck morals.

Are you seriously going to hold off on me because

of some stupid girl code?

This is my life we're talking about.

Let's go to the dunnies.

Zach, I appreciate this is frustrating for you.

I really do, but she's my best friend.

We have to work it out another way.

Pull your pants up.

You pull yours up.

But he-- he looked better.

I just saw him.

He said it was a miracle.

It was.

Obviously, not a very good one.

He's dead.

Poor Andrew.

There's this thing people get sometimes

when they've been ill.

Before they pass on, it's like a second wind.

They perk up, they get lucid.

Say goodbye to their loved ones.

I'm so sorry, darling, I just didn't think--

well, it just sounds so absurd, doesn't it?

I know.

That's the problem.

Death is just a transition.

It's a step between the Earth and the unknown.

It's like--

Dad, Dad, please.

We are here for you, darling, no matter what has happened.

Or why.

Thanks, Mom.

You should be happy that you had those final moments

with Andrew before he left us.

They're precious, precious things.

Always cherish them.

Harness those into your life force.

Graham.

[knocking]

Your dad pointed me out here.

I just-- I wasn't really ready to talk.

I'm sorry.

That's OK.

I'm having a bit of a shit time.

I understand.

That's nice, but I don't think you do.

It's a bit too full on to explain.

Actually, I've had it explained to me.

Your friend Zach.

Oh god.

CHARLIE: Yeah.

It's not as bad as it seems.

It is, but there's definitely a reasonable explanation.

I just haven't found out what that is yet, but I will.

So if you think I'm some sort of psycho sex fiend lunatic,

please don't call the police.

[theme music]

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