Original subtitles

Have you ever come across a weird disease

type thing where anyone who enters a vagina ends up dying?

Your ex's are dropping like flies,

and you're going on a date. - It's not a date.

Hi, Charlie. - Hi.

If you didn't want to come on a date with me--

Oh, so this is a date?

Dead, just like that.

The curse.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Part of you feels that you haven't

earned the right to grieve.

That's exactly what I've been going through.

I get it.

Did we actually--

Yep.

Oh my god.

I don't think we should be touching, especially

after what happened, which, by the way,

is never going to happen again.

EJ can never know.

What is this exactly?

It's your ex board.

All your ex's dead and alive and in danger.

I'm a human plughole.

Everyone who comes near me is sucked into a vortex of doom.

I was wondering if you'd like to go to the movies?

[THEME SONG - R. CRUMB & HIS CHEAP SUIT SERENADERS,

"MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

I'm not angry.

I just want to know what's going on.

I mean, this is the third time this week

that you and I've had to have this little chat.

Something wrong?

No, everything's fine.

You know I don't usually question your methods,

no matter how unconventional they are,

but some of your sessions are starting to take a turn.

I mean, what the hell's a Dirty Sanchez?

Oh, come on, you know what a Dirty Sanchez is.

It's that.

Oh.

[sniff]

Yeah.

I don't see how that's relevant to laundry

detergent marketing.

Well, it's a bit relevant.

I'm just trying to reach a broader range of clients.

I mean, how can you really know what sort of laundry

habits someone has unless you know

and understand them as a person?

Let's be honest, your mind's just

not on the job at the moment.

Do you need some time off?

No.

No.

I need to work.

I don't want to ruin any more lives.

If I've got time on my hands, who knows what I'm capable of.

People might die.

Oh.

Well, maybe you should just have the afternoon off,

go home, have a cup of tea.

And get Michael to look after your afternoon session.

All right.

Thanks.

No worries.

OK, so Russ gets out of jail free because he

didn't officially finish.

Yep, that's the ejaculation loophole.

Do we really need a weird name for everything on the board?

It simplifies things, trust me.

Well, technically, it's more of a non-ejaculation

loophole anyway.

It's too complicated.

Now, girls.

What are we thinking?

We're not?

We are.

But that was just an experimental phase at uni.

Yeah, but it was a sexual one.

It might count for something.

Would you come on, it's me.

All right, there are no secrets.

Girls don't ejaculate.

Loophole.

Not necessarily.

Any squirters?

- Do you mind? - What?

It's a valid form of female orgasm.

There are squirty women out there.

No squirters.

I didn't get that far.

Well, fine, how far did you get?

I don't know.

Fumbling stuff.

Don't make me drag it out of you.

Do we need to go and hunt down that emo

chick, that chick from IG and tell her what's going?

She wasn't emo.

She just like cutting herself.

What about Mika?

Oh, I'm a trisexual.

Does being slammed by a boob count?

I mean, nipples can penetrate, you know?

The long ones. - That's hilarious.

Very funny.

Look, I know this is embarrassing for you.

You have no idea.

I was drunk half the time when I was with these people.

How am I supposed to remember the details?

Call them and ask?

We have to talk about it.

These people are dying.

- Hello? - Shit

Uh, behind the door.

Ladies.

You're back early.

- What are you two doing? - What?

Nothing.

What's with the giant texters.

I was going to do some craft.

Cool. I'm starving.

Have you guys got any of that lavash?

He thinks that's fish.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Roo?

Wait a second.

Who is is, please?

DR. ENGLISS: It's Dr. Engliss.

Could you come into the office?

I need to speak to you urgently.

About what?

DR. ENGLISS: Um, I'm late to see a patient.

I'd prefer to discuss it in person.

Could you just come in?

OK.

When?

DR. ENGLISS: Now. - That's it.

I'm dying. I'm dying.

I've got a poisoned uterus, and I'm dying.

There's no other explanation.

You're not dying.

Why else would he say urgent?

Why else would he said come in now?

That's it.

It's bad news.

Look, on the plus side--

Oh, there is no plus side.

I'm dying.

I've probably got an hour or two left.

On the plus side, we might be able to figure

out what the hell's been killing off all your old boyfriends.

Oh, great. Wonderful.

Or, what if you're pregnant?

I'll be a godmother.

I can't bring a baby into the world.

There is something wrong with me.

What if I rose an army of evil virgin children

like the Jonas brothers?

Hey, what do you think of the name Kitty for a girl?

No good?

TV SPEAKER: It's coming from the east or the west,

or as I did the first time, from the south.

[music playing]

This is my friend EJ.

I hope you don't mind if she sits in?

Friend friend, or um--

Friend.

Nice.

Nice.

Friend friend is fine too.

I mean, we're very open-minded here at the clinic.

In fact, I shouldn't tell tales out

of school, but about a month ago, we had three women come in

and um--

No more gay stuff.

Why-- why did you want me come in?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I've been-- been giving a lot of thought to your troubles,

and I think, that despite the fact that you seem

reluctant to travel down the less conventional healing path,

there's a shaman friend of mine who you simply must visit.

Shaman?

Shaman shamen?

Shaman?

No, shaman. Shaman.

Shaman.

It's like speculum.

It's a funny word.

Now, I can write out his address for you, if you like?

Is that it?

Well, I can Google map it for you.

It's very easy to get there.

You just stay on the freeway.

Now, I mean, is that why you wanted to see me urgently?

Yes.

Yes.

Why the hell did you say urgent?

Don't you get that urgent is doctor

code for you have 8,000 STDs?

It's stinging--

Shush.

Now, the only reason I said urgent,

was so that you would actually turn up.

A lot of people put off seeing their gynecologist

until the last possible moment.

And it worked, didn't it?

I mean, here you are, here we are having a little chat.

It's nice going all around, isn't it?

Now, I don't want to waste my time making an appointment

for you to see Zalan if--

Wait, sorry, his--

sorry, is his name Zalan?

Zalan.

Yes.

Doesn't matter about the name.

You can call him Alan, if you like.

Alan?

Sorry, I just want-- is it Alan or Zalan?

Well, it was Alan.

You know, he was born Alan.

But he changed his name to Zalan, or Zelan.

Sometimes he answers to all three.

Why wouldn't he?

OK.

Anyway, he's a miracle worker, and I don't

bandy that term around loosely.

He deals in the area of reproductive organ possession

mainly.

And he worked wonders with an old client of mine.

She was absolutely convinced that her unborn fetus

was a shintari demon.

I mean, you should have seen the ultrasound.

You seen that movie Troll?

No.

It was frightening.

By Disney but it was very scary.

I just don't think Zalan is a proper name for a grown man.

It doesn't mater what his name is.

Can I put that on credit?

Oh god. - Oh.

Charlie.

Hi.

It's nice to see you again, Charlie.

Yeah, you too.

I think I saw you waving when we went to play cricket.

Oh, yes, I did.

I did wave.

I waved.

Well.

Did you want to put your last smear

test on that while you're here?

OK, then, bye.

See ya.

There must be a girlfriend.

I thought you said he didn't have a girlfriend?

Well, why else would he be hanging

out in a women's clinic?

What?

Is he stalking me?

Maybe he has a vagina.

Maybe he has a girlfriend and a vagina.

Sister?

Who takes their sister to the gyno?

Jack Osborne would.

Stop it.

Oh, James Voight would, and he would watch.

Maybe he's a psychopath?

Yeah, that's it.

Just lucky I'm not interested.

Lucky you're not available either.

So it's a good thing that he's psycho, then?

Yep.

[car doors closing]

EJ: Oh, I thought he was a silver fox.

Hi, sweetheart.

Yes.

Hello.

And hello to you.

Hi.

Are you all right?

I am awesome.

So I better scooch.

What?

I thought we were having dinner?

Yep. What?

Good.

No, no.

I just need some Tupperware.

Goodbye.

Maybe he's pre-menstrual?

Right.

Sorry. I didn't mean to shout.

I think I'm getting tinnitus.

What the hell are you doing?

You scared me to death.

You-- you.

Oh, we need to talk.

I know what you're up to.

Yeah.

And you're not going to do it to me, you crazy psycho she beast.

What?

You're killing dudes.

You're the black widow.

You're a-- you're a praying mantis,

and you're going to eat the brains after having sex.

And then I'm going to go to call the cops, and I'm [INAUDIBLE --

Ow.

Bullshit.

Sorry.

Bullshit

You've been sitting there saying bullshit

for the last five minutes.

Yes, because it sounds like, you know, bullshit.

It's not.

So these guys are just dying?

In order.

And you don't know why?

No idea.

- I'm going to help. - What?

No, no.

I'm going to get on board, and I'm going to find

out why this shit's happening.

I don't think that's a great idea.

It's just too complicated.

You don't get it, do you?

You owe me.

What?

Because I'm involved in it, because of you.

Because we did it.

It wasn't my fault. That was the alcohol.

It doesn't matter whose fault it was.

I'm in it now.

I'm one of those guys.

I'm the last guy.

Yeah, and you owe it to me to give me the chance to help

me fix it before it gets to me.

I still don't think it's a great idea.

I'm dying.

Dying.

And so are all those other guys that you've had it off with.

You owe it to them to tell them.

Come on, it's like herpes.

So what do you want me to do?

Make a few phone calls?

I can be very tactful.

I appreciate this must be very difficult for you,

but you need to trust that I've been

working through it for a while.

I understand it better, and I swear,

it'll all be finished way before it even gets to you.

There's ages till you're in danger.

Can you just breathe?

And maybe give me some time to go about it in my own way,

please?

Yep.

OK.

OK.

Can you drive me home, please?

All right.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, a woman should be allowed to go and see

her private part doctor without running

into some man who she potentially had

an indoor Cricket date with.

So what is this?

You some kind of weirdo stalker?

You have a speculum fetish?

Is that it?

if I went home with you, would I find some kinky set

up with stirrups and a towel?

If you were to come home with me,

I can safely say you would not find a kinky set

up with stirrups and a towel.

Right.

Good then.

So are you saying you want to come home with me?

No.

The thing about gynecologist offices

is apart from all the stirrups and the speculums,

they also have these weird things called computers.

And these weird things called computers sometimes

need fixing by IT consultants, which oddly

enough happens to be my job.

What a mixed up world we live in.

I still don't understand.

It's only a matter of life and death.

No big deal or anything.

Now, is Stuart around?

Stuart hasn't lived here in years.

Who did you say you were with again?

I'm with me.

No, I'm with Stuart.

I'm trying to help Stuart.

Can you give me a forwarding address?

I think you should go now.

Do you want your son to die?

Is that it?

Because he will if I don't start sorting this stuff out now.

I'm going to call the police.

Yeah, well, I'm going to call the grim reaper.

Is that what you want?

I don't think I can do it.

Oh, come on, look at his house.

It looks totally harmless.

I hate shamans with their beards

and the coats with the stars on them.

- That's wizards. - You know who'd like this?

My dad.

He would love this.

So?

I feel sick.

One shaman visit won't hurt.

How do you know?

I hate new age things.

I don't even like yoga.

He might have tools.

EJ: He's not Bob the builder.

Well, what if it hurts?

I don't think shamans use anything pointy.

He'll probably just speak in tongues

and waft some incense around.

I'm not taking my undies off.

Neither am I. Mind you, I've said that before.

Greg filled me in on your case.

Bloody hell.

Yeah, not much fun.

I'll say.

Sounds like you've been having an absolute asshole of a time.

I suppose you could say that.

We'll get you right.

Look at your eyes.

So is it Zalan or Alan?

Don't.

Both.

Just checking.

OK, fine.

So now we know it's both.

Shall we--

Is it shaman or shamen?

There's been some debate.

But whatever, we don't want to interrupt your process.

He doesn't mind.

You don't mind?

Of course now.

It's shaman, unless you're stuck up.

Come on, I'll show you my cacti.

Cacti?

So, in conclusion, I know it sounds kind of weird.

Us both doing the same girl, and then maybe dying.

But it's not like an STD or anything.

I probably should have said that first off.

Anyway, I just thought you should know.

I don't get it.

There's nothing to get.

Um, I'm here to help you.

Are you a Mormon?

No.

I'm one of you. - What?

Into watersports?

What? No.

Christ, no.

Are you paying attention, mate?

You're the one trying to get into my house

with some weird story about Roo.

I don't even know who you are.

I fucked here.

Yeah?

Congratulations.

Oh, you're just being a real dunghole, sir, for someone

whose life I'm trying to save.

Mate, I didn't ask you to come here.

I am doing a good deed.

Do you want to maybe help me out and save your life or what?

I'd feel better about it if you weren't in my face.

Why are you yelling?

You're yelling at me.

Oh, yeah, come on.

- I just want you to listen. - Get off me.

Shit.

I'm doing it.

I'm making it come true.

Just get away.

Yeah. Shit.

Of course.

I'll just, uh, just look at yourself, all right?

Just get away from me.

Is there anyone I can call?

No.

I told you to go.

Put your rag up because it's pretty rainy.

You know, catch a cold.

It's a killer this time of year.

This is a nice car.

Airbags?

OK.

Right.

Now, what we're going to do here--

you're nice and relaxed?

Think so.

OK.

What we're going to do, we're going

to cleanse the reproductive organs in the healing waters.

And then we're just going to give them a bit of a hose out.

Spiritually speaking, of course.

Lull.

So Zalan, how did you get into shamaning?

Came to me in a dream.

Just woke up one morning, thought it'd be a good idea.

Yeah, right.

And do you do a test course for that or--

No, no.

100% self-taught.

Self-taught? ZALAN: Yeah.

On?

ZALAN: Internet.

On the internet.

I once treated a case very similar to yours.

- Really? - Yeah.

This bloke, every woman he ever dated

eventually wound up getting an ulcer.

Drove him mad.

He couldn't figure out what was going on.

But they lived?

Yeah, yeah, of course, they lived.

Still kicking as far as I know, and ulcer free.

Good for them.

ZALAN: Terrible business.

Could I just ask a question?

Is there supposed to be a burning sensation?

Gee, god, no.

I might better pull the bubble power down.

The dog pissed on the controls last week.

They haven't been the same since.

How's that?

Better or worse?

It's worse.

Now?

Same

At least you tried, and you got to keep your undies on.

Well, now I'm itchy and cursed.

I've probably got genital pneumonia.

Hey, there's no such thing as genital pneumonia.

There was no such thing as every single person

I've had sex with being killed a month ago either.

Live and learn.

What was that tea?

It was bourbon.

Bourbon tea?

There was no tea.

Why was it in a teapot?

Why did he make me touch that chicken?

Lull, that was pretty funny.

He said lull, when you were in that bath, remember?

In there, you were just in a tub with--

I heard him.

Sorry.

So it was good.

Look, I know it all sounds totally bizarre.

I thought so too at first, OK?

But I just want to say that I'm really

glad that you all trusted me enough to come down here today.

And for that, I am sincerely grateful.

OK, so you've just got to bear with me

now as I walk you through a little bit more

of the freaky shit.

If it helps, I've brought along a visual stimulus.

Don't worry about him. He's gone.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking, that's me, right?

And here is where it gets interesting.

Because if you notice there is an order.

CLERK: Number 29, you're palm is ready.

Number 29. - Sorry.

There is an order.

Could this gentleman make himself known?

Hi, everyone, I'm John.

Hi, John.

Right, so she's teaching in Humpty Do, that's wonderful.

And when did you last hear from her?

Great.

Well, do pass on my regards.

Roo McVie.

No, no, she'll remember.

Thank you.

Bye.

She better remember.

I did, you know, for about half an hour.

Got bruises on my ears.

So she's fine?

In excellent health.

So really, the answer to this entire problem

is that you turn gay.

Are you coming onto me?

EJ: You all right?

I'm just going to head out for a while.

Who was that?

Auntie Carol.

EJ: What does she want?

A gin.

Now?

ROO: You know what these problem drinkers are like.

- What? - See you later.

Probably sound like a boil.

You could just lance that, I think.

Right, Grant.

Yeah.

Does it still count if you did it, you know,

if you parted the brown?

Oh my god.

Why don't you go directly to the source?

Does it count if you parted the brown?

What is this?

Hey, Roo.

Just calm down, OK?

I know it's going to be a little bit full on for you

straight off the bat, but I want you to know that we

are all in this together.

Right, guys?

Right.

OK, now, we have worked out that it has nothing

to do with astrological charts.

Sorry, Hamish, but I think we've made some really

good progress today.

Are there any more questions at this point?

Yeah, I've got one.

OK, go.

Who's next?

Good question.

According to my calculations, Campbell Hyman Smith.

Sorry, Cam, um, I don't make the rules.

Well, someone does. Why is this happening?

Yeah. Why are you doing this?

- And how you gonna fix it? - I'm doing my best.

I promise. I went to a shaman.

Why didn't you call us to tell us what was going on?

How come this dickhead had to do it?

Hey.

Let's not start with the name calling.

I don't-- I'm sorry.

Maybe sorry's not good enough.

Sorry's not good enough.

Hang on just a second.

How come you're so sure it's me that's the problem anyway?

Maybe it's you.

Maybe you're all connected in some way to an evil death cult.

Maybe you're just faulty weak-gened men?

Did you ever consider that?

I'm not a terrible person.

She's not, you know.

Thanks, Peter. You're looking well.

You've lost-- anyway, as I was saying, before you

start pointing the finger maybe you should consider--

what is this?

A picnic?

It's not a picnic.

These guys are hungry and angry.

Angry.

Can I have a word in private?

All right.

Tuck in.

What did I say about leaving things up to me?

What the hell is this? It's sick.

What?

If I didn't do anything all those guys

would be dead by now. Is that what you want?

Blood on your hands? - They would not all be dead.

There's an order, a pattern.

That's what I've been working on.

All you've been working on is failure.

That's what you've been working on.

Well, what makes you think your methods

are any better than mine? - Methods?

Now, you've got methods, do you? - I do.

Bullshit.

You're sitting there talking about it, while I'm all

like, you know, check it out.

Taking action.

[grunting and thumping]

Nice one, Zach, nice one.

You happy now?

You managed to speed everything up.

You glad you took matters into your own hands?

Now, everyone at your stupid meeting is dead.

Must have been the spring rolls.

Spring rolls?

Well done.

I don't see what you're so upset about.

Really? You don't?

No.

In case you've forgotten, I'm the one who's going to die.

Don't do-- he's not dead.

Oh, no, he's dead.

[whispering]

Where have you two been?

Nowhere.

How come you've got that then?

Don't know.

Why is your picture on there?

[theme music]

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