Original subtitles

- [breathing heavily]

[tense music]

? ?

Richie?

I fucking knew I had a stalker!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

I'm not your stalker.

- Stalkers never think they're stalkers, Richie.

You're telling on yourself.

Look, whatever reason you have to murder all my exes,

you don't want to murder me.

Party will be over.

- I didn't murder anyone, and I'm not gonna murder you.

- Then why am I tied up in your apartment?

- You're not tied up.

- Oh.

[microwave beeping] - Oh, popcorn's ready.

[clears throat]

You got a wild one on the side.

Other side.

You got it.

- Okay, what-- what do you want, Richie?

- Well, I brought you here today--

- Kidnapped me here.

- I brought you here with force

because you showed up at my place of work,

told me I'm gonna die,

and then vanished without letting me ask

some follow-up questions.

- So you put a bag over my head

and threw me in the trunk of your car?

- Yes, Ruby!

This is what you've reduced me to.

I tried calling and texting. No response.

I did what I had to do to get your attention.

- What are you talking about?

I never got any calls or messages.

And if you just untie my hands,

I'll grab my phone and prove it to you.

- Again, nothing's tied.

- Right. - You're completely free to go.

- I see.

Well, your twisted game of reverse psychology

is working, because now I don't want to go.

- Lucky me. - Don't patronize me.

I will walk right out of here. - Go ahead.

- Can't get rid of me that easy.

- Stop, okay?

I'm not playing mind games, Ruby.

I just want to know what's happening.

If I'm gonna die, how much time do I have left?

- I don't know, unfortunately.

We don't know when, where, or how you're gonna die,

but you are gonna die.

Now, if you'd kindly refer to the sex timeline we wrote

on the back of that babysitting flyer,

we do know you have two guys ahead of you.

- Yeah, why do you have me down

as Green Day/Sum 41 T-shirt guy?

- Sorry.

My friend AJ and I disagreed on which T-shirt you always wore,

but I know it was Sum 41.

- It was actually 4 Non Blondes.

And you borrowed that T-shirt and never gave it back.

- Been a few years, Rich.

Memory is a bit fuzzy on that one.

- I'm sure it is.

- But I did get your texts.

I just didn't have you in my phone as Richie,

so I never read them.

- What do you mean?

- You're under Gabriel for some reason.

I just assumed it was some Mormon

I fell out of touch with.

- You put me in your phone as Gabriel?

- Yes.

- All I'm saying is, why didn't Malignant

go to the police sooner?

- Please stop calling her Malignant.

The character's name was Madison.

- Was it? - Yeah.

She's the main character of the movie.

How did you miss that?

- Because the movie's confusing.

- No, it's not.

Malignant is Gabriel, Madison's parasitic twin.

- Well, then who's the guy killing all those people?

- Gabriel!

- So he's the parasitic conjoined twin

and a separate person killing the people?

- It was a visual mislead.

We were in Madison's dreams seeing Gabriel, not reality.

- Well, maybe they should have explained that

at the beginning of the movie.

- They should have spoiled the big plot twist

at the beginning of the movie?

Are you insane?

You know what? Let's reset.

Wanna see a picture of my dog?

- [scoffs] No.

Fine.

Cute. - Thank you.

- You know, that argument about "Malignant"

was the last time I saw you for, like, years

before you walked into my trivia night.

- That's what happens when people break up.

- What breakup?

After we argued at the bar, I drove us back to your place.

You said you were having a super period,

so I left, and then you ghosted me.

- We were just casual.

What did you expect me to do?

- Look...

all I'm saying is that you could have told me

you wanted to end things.

- Richie! No message is a message.

Would you rather I had sent you a long text

about all the things I don't like about you?

Okay, I don't like

how your favorite actor is Charlie Sheen.

I don't like how you end conversations

with "smell you later."

Send. - Yes.

That would have been better than leaving me hanging.

I don't think we were soulmates or anything.

It's just, like, basic human decency.

How do you not see that? Like, do you even see that?

- Look, I am trying my best, okay?

I know I'm not perfect.

But I am showing up and doing the work.

I know I ditched you years ago

and I'm only here now because you kidnapped me,

but I am here now, aren't I?

Isn't that progress?

[soft music]

Or maybe not, and there's just something wrong with me.

- Hey.

Look at me.

- Yeah?

- There's for sure something wrong with you.

You're the worst person I've ever met.

And I host trivia.

Whew!

Wow.

It felt amazing getting that off my chest.

I've been wanting to tell you that for years.

Okay.

Thank you for coming.

- What? - Come on.

Out you go.

I appreciate all the info.

Seems like I got a lot of loose ends to tie up,

so I'm gonna get at it.

Come on.

Smell you later.

[cover of James' "Laid"]

- ? This bed is on fire with passionate love ?

? The neighbors complain about the noises above ?

? But she only comes when she's on top ?

? ?

? My therapist said not to see you no more ?

? She said you're like a disease without any cure ?

? She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore ?

? Oh, no ?

? I think you're so pretty ?

? ?

[light music]

? ?

- To the left. To the left.

To the right. To the right.

And slide.

Oh. What's up, Rubes?

You want a ho-cho to the fo-cho?

- What? - A ho-cho to the fo-cho,

hot chocolate to the face.

I'm gathering hot chocolates for AJ and I.

They're, like, 8 bucks,

but I could get you one if you want to Venmo me.

- No thanks. - Okay.

More ho-chos to the fo-chos for mo-mo, or--

shit, I lost it.

- What? Wait, wait, wait.

Why are you being so weird?

You're, like, all happy.

It's kind of gross.

- I don't know. Why wouldn't I be happy?

AJ and I are back together. It's great.

- Uh, it's not great, because a couple days ago,

you and I, you know...

- Humped? - Ugh, horrifying.

But yeah, no big deal.

Just the ultimate betrayal of my best friend.

- And my best friend.

- You know, I was literally just told by an ex

that I was the worst person he had ever met.

And at first, I was like, that can't be true.

I adopted a middle-aged dog.

But then I see you, and I think about what we did to AJ,

and then I'm like, yeah, yeah, maybe he was right.

Maybe I am the worst person in the world.

- Hey, I don't feel great about it either.

But at least at the time, AJ and I were broken up.

Plus, she straight-up balled

that wedding cellist that same night.

- I think she just gave him, like, a lot of hand jobs.

- Ugh.

- But I still feel so guilty.

Like, why did we do that? - [sighs]

- I think I have to tell her the truth.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't do that.

- Uh, I definitely can.

I'm not the girl who sleeps

with her best friend's boyfriend.

- But you kinda are.

- Well, I don't want to be.

- Listen, Linda, you don't think

I've thought about telling her?

I feel just as guilty as you do.

But I know that if I told AJ, it would just destroy her.

- Yesterday, she told me she was the kind of person

who would always want to know the truth, no matter how bad.

- All that telling her would do would make you not feel

like the worst person in the world,

or whatever that ding-dong told you.

To me, that's selfish.

The kinder thing to do would be for you and I

to shut the hell up and let the stress of our secrets

give us ulcers.

- Right.

It's our burden to bear.

- Exactly.

Look, we can't change the past.

But in the present, we can be the best boyfriend

and the best best friend we can be to AJ.

- I can do that.

- I think it's for the best.

I mean, it's not like we killed someone.

- Ha!

As far as you know.

- I know I'm getting a ho-cho to the fo-cho.

That's what I know.

- Hi, Ruby Hot Sauce.

Mommy's home.

- Other mommy's in your room!

I sent Zack off for ho-chos

so I could whip this baby out and make some updates.

Where have you been?

- To hell and back.

Richie kidnapped me.

- No. Green Day shirt?

- Sum 41.

But he said it was 4 Non Blondes.

- I don't see that band for him.

So what happened?

He held you at gunpoint? Knifepoint?

- Neither.

He kept me there with mind games.

I was held at mind-point.

- Oh.

While I do want to hear more,

I have some news that is far more pressing.

As you can see, we have had a busy day.

You know your sex cluster?

- The sex cluster is dying?

- We're calling it a death cluster now.

I set up notifications on my phone

with all the cluster names, and it has been dinging

like a church bell with death notices.

Shall we hit some highlights?

- Are you... excited?

- Of course not. [chuckles]

No.

Finance bro Simon?

- Yeah, we'll see how the Nikkei opens, huh?

[tires squeal] [screams]

- Car crash.

Corbin the clown? - [gasps]

- Heart attack.

Philippe and Jordana...

[both gasping]

Sauna malfunction. - [screams]

- Beth was forced to watch.

- Help! Help!

- And then there's Joao.

all: Lumber is murder!

Lumber is murder!

- [speaking Portuguese]

- Accidental chainsaw to the chest.

Your guy, Lug?

- [grunts]

[fabric tears]

- Colon blowout in a burpees boot camp.

- Oh, my God.

- The cleanup was endless.

- This is all so awful.

- I know. Horrifying.

I didn't realize colons did that.

[phone dings]

Oh, there goes another one.

Down goes Brian Glidewell.

- No way. - Yes, way.

Glidewell just glided well into the afterlife.

- Oh, shit.

I guess Richie was right.

It was 4 Non Blondes, and I did take his T-shirt.

[phone dings] - Oh, no.

Speak of the devil.

What trivia master was just killed in a gas explosion?

- Wait. Richie's dead?

- I'm afraid so.

Do you want to X him out, or should I?

- Wait, this is so crazy.

I was just with him an hour ago.

He seemed fine.

- I know.

Okay, I'll do it.

- Look, I know this case brings you energy.

But these are all real people I knew, so you--

[phone dings] - Oh!

Looks like Chuck bit it too.

Sorry. You were saying?

- Can you just put it on silent?

- Oh, false alarm.

That was just a reminder that Amanda Knox

is gonna be on "The Today Show."

Gotta set my DVR.

[phone dings]

Okay, now Chuck's dead.

Apparently he was in a rock climbing accident

and got peeled like a Fruit Roll-Up.

RIP.

- I wish I knew.

- Are you talking to the shirt?

- No. - Good,

because you should be taking in this board.

These deaths have given us so much new data.

Like, Jordana getting steamed to death

means that women are not safe.

Another item of note-- before the death cluster,

the deaths were separated by a few days,

but now, it is totally accelerating.

We are running out of time to warn people.

- Well, then... shit!

We have to do more, pick up the pace,

find people, warn them, keep them out of danger,

whatever it takes. - Agreed.

- All right, okay. So who's next?

Oh, no.

The one celebrity on my list.

[dramatic musical sting]

- I don't understand why I'm not in business class.

[scoffs] No.

No, no, I understand

that there's no business class on this flight.

I guess I'm curious as to why that is.

This is a SAG issue.

I mean, why did we even strike?

Just coming in now, huh?

[whispering] I'm surrounded by selfish animals.

Okay, I gotta run.

The lady next to me is gonna listen to our conversation,

and then I'm not gonna be able to be myself.

Anyway, find me my "Anatomy of a Fall," Mitchell.

- Hi, John Early.

- Hello... friend.

[chuckles] Look, you got a pen?

I sign everything except breasts.

- No, it's me, Ruby.

Remember?

- I-- [laughs]

- It was the beginning of COVID.

Everything was just canceled. Tom Hanks had just died.

We were at our mutual friend Liam's 4th of July barbecue,

all masked up and six feet apart,

wondering if we should even be there.

And then we had a few mai tais, and you were like,

I don't want to be alone!

So you figured, what the heck?

Might as well try sleeping with a woman once.

Maybe this will help.

[sighs]

- Oh, yep.

- [panting]

- [grunting]

[patriotic music]

[muffled] I'm never gonna come.

- [muffled] I can't understand you!

[both panting]

- Ruby, right.

[laughs] What a time to remember.

How have you been, by the way?

Can you believe how long that lasted?

"Two weeks to flatten the curve," they said.

Two weeks. And then no one--

- Okay, I'm sorry, John.

I hate to interrupt what I know will be

a hilarious run, but--

- Thank you.

- We have to focus on you right now.

Your life is in danger,

and you have to get off this plane.

- Oh, you poor thing.

Did you decide to get off your meds

so you could feel feelings again?

I've been there, and, honey, trust me,

it's better to stay numb.

- No, but I get why you're skeptical.

You're a contrarian, and that informs your comedy.

But everyone I've slept with has been dying, for real.

So getting on a plane right now is way too risky.

- [laughs nervously]

Sweetie, I validate your worries...

[whispering] But I'm shooting an Icelandic yogurt commercial

in Flagstaff tomorrow.

So unless you have $2.5 million

that you can give me right now,

I'm gonna stay on this plane and sell some Siggi.

- Please! - Jesus.

- If you won't listen to me, then can you at least

get in touch with your celebrity friends?

- Uh-- - Your mouthiest queens--

Sarandon, Messing, Drescher-- and tell them what's happening.

We need their help to stop this before anyone else dies.

- [scoffs] - Remini.

- Okay, I am so sorry

for whatever it is you're going through.

Clearly, there's-- there's something here.

But unless you want to help me run my lines in Icelandic

for Siggi, then this is where I put on my noise-cancels

and get some qui-qui time.

Okay?

Finally. [laughs]

I pressed the call button, like, three minutes ago.

It's so crazy.

The service in economy is insane.

- How can I help you, sir?

- Um, I think we have a, um--

a cuckoo.

- Ma'am, can I see your ticket?

- I am not a cuckoo. - I--

- I bought a ticket on the way to the airport

so I could warn you.

Here you go.

- This isn't your seat,

so I'm going to need you to move.

- These seats are $27?

Oh, my God!

- Ma'am?

Ma'am.

- [sighs]

I am not flying to Flagstaff,

and neither should you, John Early.

- [speaking Icelandic]

Tom Hanks is fine, by the way. [scoffs]

[bell dings]

[light music]

- No way you booked

the Brett Hely Trio for the reception.

[laughs] My parents are gonna flip.

There's always Hely or Tesh playing at the house.

[chuckles]

So how'd you work this miracle?

Ruby?

- Oh, I, uh, did PR for their West Coast tour

a few years back.

Nice guys.

- Hey. Hi.

You okay? What's going on?

- Oh. Sorry.

There's just a lot going on right now.

- Like what?

- Well, it's just...

bad things keep happening to people close to me,

and it's all my fault.

- Well, I'm sure it's not.

- Oh, no.

I really think it is.

Don't be fooled by this cute, sweet-looking face.

Inside, I'm a Dahmer monster.

- [laughs] Okay.

Well, thank you for the warning.

I was in danger of being fooled.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

- I feel like I've seen you upset like this before,

with that other thing with your friend, AJ.

But you got through that, right?

You know what's funny about you?

You're kind of a mess,

but you're not as much of a mess

as you think you are.

- I think you're wrong, but thank you.

I don't know.

Sometimes it's all just so overwhelming, you know?

- You know what helps me

whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed?

- Let me guess. You rewatch "The Office"?

- That feels like an insult, but I don't know why.

[both laugh]

Okay, this is a little embarrassing,

but you remember the last time you were here

and I was watching "The Greatest Showman"?

Well, I actually do

a little more than just watch it.

- You don't mean you--

- [laughs incredulously] No!

- Okay. - No.

- [laughs awkwardly]

- I, um--

I like to perform the choreography

from the movie.

- Perform?

- I've memorized all the dance sequences,

and I--and I dance to them.

- That's, uh, really cool, Isaac.

- [laughs] Shut up.

Don't laugh at me. - [laughs] No, it's--I mean--

- It always calms me down and helps me feel better.

You should try it.

- Well, can I see it first?

Like, can I see you do it?

- No. No, no, I couldn't possibly.

- Oh, come on. - Fine.

Help me move the couch.

[sighs]

I was just watching it before you got here.

[TV chimes]

- ? You're electrified ?

? And the world becomes a fantasy ?

? And you're more than you could ever be ?

? 'Cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open ?

- Wow, you're really good. - Thank you.

- ? To the world that we were living in ?

? 'Cause we're dreaming with our eyes wide open ?

? So come alive ?

[both laugh]

- It's your turn. Come on.

- [groaning playfully]

- Come on. Take off your shoes. Let's go.

- ? Let them break me down to dust ?

? I know that there's a place for us ?

? For we are glorious ?

? When the sharpest words wanna cut me down ?

- ? Eh, eh, eh ?

- ? I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out ?

- ? Eh, eh, eh ?

- ? I am brave, I am bruised ?

? I am who I'm meant to be ?

? This is me ?

? Look out, 'cause here I come ?

- What the fuck is going on in here?

- Merci.

- I thought "Greatest Showman"-ing was our thing,

a thing I hated but did with you out of love.

- Babe, it--it is our thing.

But Ruby was feeling down and needed cheering up, so...

- Oh, is that right?

Were you feeling sad, Wuby?

Why is your hair like that?

- It's--I'm the bearded lady.

- You're embarrassing yourself.

You know he has a girlfriend.

I mean, seriously, what kind of person does this?

- Honey. - No, she's right.

I am so sorry.

- Whose idea was the hair beard, Isaac?

Bet it was yours, you sick fuck.

[line trills]

- Hey.

I just finished watching the Amanda Knox

"Today Show" interview, and it was gripping.

- Yeah, that's good.

Hey, can I tell you about something?

- Sure. Let me just come down

from this interview for a second.

If I had to offer critique,

I'd say Hoda seemed a little tired.

It's like, ma'am, wake the hell up.

You are sitting with an icon.

- Yes, for sure. Totally.

Okay, so you're gonna be mad at me,

but I think I like someone.

- Cute client, 7 feet tall?

- Yeah. - Nope.

Shut it down and suck it back in.

You can't like someone right now

because you could kill them.

- I am not gonna sleep with Isaac,

but I can't help my feelings.

- Yeah, you can.

Shut it off like our subscription

to the "Seattle Times."

News every day was too much.

- It's off.

He has a girlfriend.

- Good. You're better than that.

- [sighs]

It's just...

being with him makes me feel less like a piece of garbage,

you know?

He just sees me so differently than all these other people do.

- Well, of course he does.

You have zero history. There's no baggage.

But don't mistake that for something more than it is.

- I know.

It's just, he makes me feel like I could be a good person.

- You are a good person.

- I don't know if that's true, but...

I want to be.

- Stop.

Put that Eeyore shit away and come home.

We'll have a nice dinner together with Zack.

He made meatloaf.

He said he put extra bread in the meat,

which should be interesting.

- Yeah, that does sound interesting,

but, uh, I'm gonna go to Richie's bar

and see if there's, like, a memorial

set up for him or something.

- Richie, the guy who kidnapped you?

- Look, he told me I was the worst person he's ever met.

Flat-out said the most honest criticism

anyone's said to me in a long time.

I felt destroyed.

[both chuckling]

But in a crazy way,

I think maybe it's what I needed to hear,

because it did really make me look at myself.

So I'm grateful for the gift he left me

before he passed on and went to hell.

For an unhinged dickhole,

he wasn't half bad.

So that's why I'm visiting his memorial,

because that is what a better version of me would do.

AJ?

Guess I lost her.

[upbeat music playing]

- What can I get you?

- First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

I'm sure Richie was a valued member of your team.

Anyway, I was just wondering if there was a memorial area

set up for him so I could pay my respects.

- Look, lady, I'm new here, and I have no idea

what you're talking about,

but there's no memorials going on,

as far as I can tell.

- Well, then I'd like to start one for him,

if you don't mind.

- Hey, Percy.

This gal wants to start a memorial

for a guy named Ricky.

That all right? - Richie. Ri--Richie!

- It's Richie.

He's not hearing me. Hang on.

I'll find out for you.

? ?

- Rest in peace, Gabriel.

Smell you later.

- You friends with that d-bag Richie?

- Hmm, friends.

It's a little more nuanced than that.

- Well, he no-showed for trivia.

Not a call, not a text.

We've had to throw our barback Andrew,

who is very poorly educated, in as Trivia Master.

- The answer is Pluto. - Come on.

- Pluto's not the answer because Pluto's not a planet.

- It's a nightmare.

- Oh, no.

Richie is dead in his apartment.

He's dead in his apartment, and no one's found his body.

[keys jangling]

[sniffs] I smell ammonia in the air.

That means he's already decomposing.

Ugh. [sighs]

Trust me, you're going to want some of this.

Blocks out all odors.

- I got Long COVID.

I can't smell a damn thing.

- My best friend is obsessed with finding a dead body,

so we always carry some of this in our purses.

[chuckles]

Actually, I should probably text her

to tell her to come meet us.

But let's grab a quick look first

so I know how to tease it for her.

Okay.

- What the fuck, Larry?

You can't just burst into my apartment.

Ruby?

- You're alive?

- How do you know Larry?

- Is that an aquarium?

You can't have an aquarium.

- Oh, really, Larry?

Where does it say I can't have an aquarium, huh?

$1,200 a month.

- I thought you were dead, so I talked your landlord

into letting me in to ID the body.

What--what are you--

- I'm frosting my tips.

After you left the other day, I was like, fuck it.

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna explode my life in style.

Blew off my job, broke up with this girl Chelsea

I didn't even like, and then decided

it was now or never to see if I could pull off frosted tips.

Hand me the tint brush, please.

- Wait, but all the people

after you in my sex cluster have already died.

So how are you alive?

- Wait, wait, wait. They have?

[mysterious music]

So it skipped me.

[TV reporter speaking indistinctly]

- I guess it did.

- In other news, a box of kittens

is responsible for a fire...

- Do you know what this means?

You're a sex loophole. - My dick is invincible?

I'm a sex loophole.

- The cats tipped their box off the table,

knocking over a lit candle.

The three homes burnt down, but thankfully,

the kittens survived.

Now, we've just received confirmation

that a plane bound for Flagstaff

went down today due to an engine malfunction.

Thankfully, everyone on board survived,

except for one passenger.

Sucked out of the back of economy class,

niche gay performer John Early dead at 54.

Early, whose middle name is also John,

was probably someone you didn't--

- ? Some people say ?

? A man is made out of mud ?

? A poor man's made ?

? Out of muscle and blood ?

? Muscle and blood ?

? And skin and bones ?

? A mind that's weak ?

? And a back that's strong ?

? You load 16 tons ?

? What do you get? ?

? Another day older and deeper in debt ?

? St. Peter, don't you call me ?

? 'Cause I can't go ?

? I owe my soul to the company store ?

[Tennessee Ernie Ford's "Sixteen Tons"]

? I was born one morning ?

? When the sun didn't shine ?

? I picked up my shovel ?

? And I walked to the mine ?

? I loaded 16 tons of number nine coal ?

? And the straw boss said ?

? "Well, bless my soul" ?

? ?

- I think that's a good idea.

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