Original subtitles

This is Charlie, the IT guy from work.

CHARLIE: Hi.

So what brings you here, mate?

Hi, I'm Stacey.

ROO: Two of my exes died recently.

Three, actually.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Really?

Did we actually?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

EJ: You look like death.

Where did you end up?

Just had a few wines at Mum and Dad's.

ROO: Oh! - Hey!

ROO: Never mind me.

Don't mind us.

So you're back on then?

EJ: What can I say?

The guy has a hold on me.

How's Andrew?

I'm dying.

This is intense.

So Brendan was the first to go.

ROO: Death by cover.

EJ: Davy was hit by a car.

MAN: Oh, Jesus!

And Layton had an aneurysm.

EJ: Which means they're being knocked off in order.

Are more people going to die?

EJ: We just need to find them, and make sure they're OK.

[THEME - R. CRUMB AND HIS CHEAP SUIT SERENADERS,

"MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

THEME SONG: There's one pet I like to pet,

and every evening we get set.

I stroke it every chance I get, it girl's pussy.

Often it goes out at night, returns at break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves.

We spoon like two turtle doves.

I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy.

RECORDING: Good day, you're called Roscoe.

Leave a message after the beep.

[beep]

ROO: Hi, Roscoe.

I'm not sure if I've got the right Russell

Black, unless you've had a tracheotomy.

Anyway, this is Roo McVie here.

And if you know me or have any memory of me whatsoever,

could you please give me a call on 04372859?

Thank you.

CHARLIE: I think this might be yours.

Oh, there they are.

Right.

ROO: Right.

Did you just throw multi-vitamins at me.

This might be a weird question,

but are you flirting with me?

No.

Oh.

ROO: I mean, you're taken, so I would never do that.

CHARLIE: Taken?

Stacey, was that her name?

Oh, yeah, it is.

But we're not--

Together? CHARLIE: No.

No, no.

We chatted online for a bit.

The other night was our first real date.

Go well, did it?

I wouldn't say that, no.

If I'd have known she was so young,

I never would have agreed to meet her.

I prefer girls that have actually reached puberty.

High standards.

Yeah.

You look like you've reached puberty.

I have.

I actually got my period really early.

Have you ever played indoor cricket?

There are 47 Russ Blacks listed.

I called every one.

None of them were my Russ, especially

the one who was a woman.

It's like he doesn't exist.

Maybe he doesn't.

Maybe Russ is already dead.

Don't say it.

EJ: Your exes are dropping like flies,

and you're going on a date.

It's not a date.

I'm just subbing in for some lesbian

in Charlie's cricket team.

Who's playing cricket?

No one.

Hey, you can help her.

She knows nothing about cricket. ZACH: Sweet.

I'll just wing it.

EJ: No.

Last time you winged it, you incinerated my table.

OK, now you've got to be at one with the wood.

EJ: Tell him to show you his googly.

Relax, Max.

You're choking the bat.

Right?

ZACH: What?

Well, I don't think we should be touching,

especially after what happened-- which, by the way,

is never going to happen again.

And EJ can never know.

Yes, I get it. Big mistake.

Keep shtum, blah, blah, blah.

It's no biggie, Roo.

I've moved past it.

Maybe you should, too.

Can we just do this cricket thing, please?

That's what I'm trying to do.

ROO: Yeah, well just do it from there.

OK.

Remember, the bat's your friend.

But it hates you.

It's like your step-dad who stole your money.

- What? - Don't look at me.

Where's the ball? You're out.

How's that? Good one.

Get out.

ZACH: All right.

ROO: Can you please just go away?

EJ: OK, have fun.

And remember, bats have excellent hearing,

so talk to it.

Hi, Charlie

CHARLIE: Hi.

Wow. ROO: Hi.

CHARLIE: Wow.

You look--

Just my usual cricket kit.

Right to go?

ROO: Yeah.

Wow, you're really good.

Well, you know what they say about the wood--

just being at one with it and all that.

With the wood?

Yes.

Never knew you were such an expert.

Well, it's not every day you get asked out on a hot date

involving knee pads and stumps, unless you're

dating an amputee.

Or not dating, just pals having--

being friendly.

I'm having a ball.

You want this?

[ominous music]

[party music]

Here, Stretch.

I'll just-- I'll be back in a sec.

Roo McVie.

Long time no see.

Hey, nice socks.

Thanks.

Telly, do you remember the Gold Coast sales conference?

Oh, yeah. That was a riot.

Was it?

Yeah. I should get going.

My team's just getting-- - My memory's a little hazy.

Just curious. Did we ever--

I should go.

Do it?

Chocolate helps me concentrate.

And then again, maybe that's just an excuse

because I usually eat it in bed, and there's not

much to concentrate on there.

Sorry?

Just making a joke.

Usually more of a Twix man, myself.

We're on.

So did we or didn't we?

Did we what?

I have a blurry image if you and an ice bucket.

I haven't drank Bacardi since.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Me neither.

So?

What?

Did what?

Did we do it?

- What do you want to know for? - It's complicated.

Come on.

Just tell me, please?

What?

Do you have a kid or something?

No.

Not that it would be mine or anything.

But I-- look.

I'm a family man, right?

I mean, I might fool around occasionally,

but I don't sleep with people at sales conferences.

No way, no how. Look at my wife.

She's beautiful.

And if you don't mind, I've got to work on my batting averages.

She's a very lucky woman.

So is it time for a beer?

We haven't batted yet.

Oh.

You've probably been a bit too busy fraternizing to notice.

Fraternizing?

CHARLIE: It's generally not the done

thing to chitchat to members of the opposing team.

I was vibing him.

Oh, is that what you call it?

You practically high-fived him when he hit the back nets.

Are you jealous?

No.

I've been busy cricketing for your team,

in case you didn't notice.

If you didn't want to come on a date with me--

Oh, so this is a date?

Yes, this is a date.

This is the ice-breaker date.

Well, some date-- subbing in for a roving

lesbian on your cricket team.

CHARLIE: Hannah, isn't a lesbian.

ROO: Well, what's next on the date agenda?

The great Twix versus Pods debate?

I was just making conversation.

Very good.

Well at least I was making conversation.

TELLY'S WIFE: Telly!

Anyway, I should have been paying attention.

You didn't know that Twix rules.

EJ: I put two sugars in.

I think that's what you're meant to do for shock.

Dead.

Just like that, at the crease.

EJ: Technically that's manslaughter, you know?

Death by reckless behavior.

It's not your fault.

In the way an aneurysm is?

He was a really good salesman.

EJ: I guess now isn't a great time for this.

For what?

I've made something,

Oh, that's sweet.

Ta da!

Well, what do you think?

What is this exactly?

EJ: It's your ex board.

All your exes-- dead and alive, and in danger.

Dates. Details.

I filled in whatever I could remember.

See, I put in colors for tracking patterns.

And I've got a key here.

See, green dots-- they're for one-night stands.

ROO: Hang on.

Why is Lisa's dad up there?

What?

You slept with him at her 21st.

No, I didn't.

Oh.

You might want to call her. - What?

Why did she think that? EJ: Anyway, it's great.

That's good now, because we've got a space.

That's where we can put Telly in from today, right?

In between Mark and Russell.

Yeah, it's perfect.

Have you got a picture of him?

Actually, there's probably one in the obituaries tomorrow.

Anyway, do you know what else is weird?

Left-handed.

Left-handed.

Young lib.

Young lib.

No?

I thought that might have been a-- oh, one

thing I was going to ask you.

Who was the guy who liked to film it?

Hamish. EJ: Right.

Do you reckon he'd still have the tape?

I'm not going to ask him for the tape.

EJ: And also Dan Ponce, Dax Rocks.

I couldn't-- I was going to call him Limpy McGimpy,

but I remember that's just what I called him.

It's Dan. It's Dan.

EJ: It is Dan? - Yes.

EJ: OK, good. Right.

Oh, and also New Year's Eve guy.

Do you remember his real name?

Roo?

Sorry.

It's amazing.

You've got a very good memory.

It just makes me feel a little bit weird, seeing

it all up there like that.

EJ: What?

We're going to crack the serial dying thing with this.

You'll see.

So, next?

Russ.

Where was the last place you saw Russ?

- Mum and Dad's. - Oh, that's right.

He was the junior burger.

ROO: He was sweet.

He used to watch me from behind the fence in his Speedos.

Well, that's great.

We'll just ask your Mum where he is.

ROO: And what do I say when I do find him?

Hi.

Remember me and my vagina?

We're here to tell you you're dying.

Enjoy your life.

What's left of it.

Wouldn't you want to know if you were going to die?

It's fine.

We'll just tell him the truth.

But we'll put a positive spin on it.

And we'll leave out the bit about the vaginas.

That took me ages. - I know.

It's great. Thanks.

Confrontingly great.

[music]

GRAHAM: Hand on your perineum.

Feel the energy release.

[loud exhale]

Two, three, four.

[loud inhale]

ROO: Hey, Mum, do you ever see Russ Black around?

MARION: You mean since you broke his heart?

He was 17.

His heart had nothing to do with it.

MARION: He was a nice boy.

You could've done a lot worse.

It was one night.

MARION: He was set to be the next Grant Kenny, you know.

So, is he living the dream of the Gold Coast?

MARION: He lives next door.

With his dad?

How weird.

I thought he moved out ages ago.

MARION: He did.

He's moved back.

He's not the man he used to be.

That's because he used to be a boy.

He gave it all up.

Stopped surf lifesaving.

Stopped strutting around in his Speedos.

Sad, really.

He still asks after you, you know?

Mum.

He may be carrying a little extra weight these days,

but he used to be very handsome.

You should pop over, say hello.

There's a lot to be said for the older

woman- younger man dynamic.

Makes good sense really, since men tend to die first.

[music playing]

MR. BLACK: Russ?

The rat's out of the cage again.

I'm filling the birdbath, Dad.

Hi.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Really?

Yeah, he still lives at home, right next door to Mum.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Wow, so you just marched over there and what?

Told him everything?

Was he upset?

No, he seemed to take it pretty well really.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Tease? - No, no tease.

EJ [ON PHONE]: What did you say?

Well, I just said something about how life's weird and--

actually, I'm not exactly sure what I said.

I've got to go. EJ [ON PHONE]: Bye.

Yeah, see you.

What?

Five bucks.

I'm raising money for Telly's wife.

It's the least I could do.

Thought I'd take it upon myself.

ROO: OK.

Thanks.

EJ: Hey, we're in here.

I've got mandarins.

Russ.

Roo.

Wow.

You've only aged a bit.

Just around the eyes.

I can't believe you pretended to be me.

I can't believe you lied.

Well, how did you know?

Your parents smoke-signaled me.

Nice touch.

Sorry.

Russ has grown up.

And out.

ROO: Don't.

EJ: Hey, I'm not judging.

A little more to love.

ROO: I can't believe you brought him here.

I hate you.

EJ: Roo?

I know. I still hate you.

OK, here goes.

Russ, there's no easy way of saying this, but you're dying.

You win some, you lose some, I guess.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

You're dying.

I get it.

Must be shock.

No, makes sense really.

Some people have one of those days.

I reckon I've just had one of those lives.

Now that's not true.

No offense, Roo, but you haven't lived my life,

have you? - No.

Well, take it from someone who has.

It hasn't rated.

I didn't always look like this.

Remember?

I know.

Well, maybe this is a good thing.

Why dick around.

What do you mean?

That green dream thing doesn't seem too bad.

No, no.

I wasn't saying you should kill yourself.

Why not?

I'm going to die anyway.

Might as well order some pizzas and get a few breezes

and go out happy.

ROO: Russ, you can't just give up like this.

You owe it to yourself to make yourself happy

and your life worth living, no matter

how long or short it may be.

How do you mean?

Well, what about surf life-saving.

You loved that.

There isn't even a wave pool at our leisure center anymore.

See, Dad helped me to understand that it was better

to quit before I stuffed it up.

Better safe than sorry.

Nobody liked a tool.

Russ, if I am right and you are dying,

wouldn't you rather go out fighting?

Knowing that you tried everything you ever wanted to?

That you sucked the juice out of life, whether it made

you look like a dick or not?

Dick juice.

Russ, wouldn't you?

I guess so.

You were a really good nipper.

You were going to be the next Grant Kenny.

You thought I was good.

You were awesome.

I do miss it.

We can change that.

We?

You bet.

- I stole-- - That's OK.

That's fine.

[music playing]

EJ: Roo, face facts.

If Russ doesn't top himself, something else will get him.

You don't know that.

EJ: The board doesn't lie.

Maybe this is the way I stop the death cycle.

I make things right, they get to live.

I'm going to save Russ.

You'll see.

EJ: With life coaching?

What are you going to do?

Grab a megaphone and shout, "Don't die!"

Is that the plan?

You're terrible at sport.

You once called soccer, net ball.

They kick a ball into a net.

Look.

I didn't get a rule book with this, all right?

I'm sick of standing around while stuff just happens.

I'm going to beat it.

You got a problem with that?

No.

RUSS: Completely seized up.

I used to be able to touch my toes and see my sack.

ROO: Really?

That-- OK, well just take it easy.

You don't want to go too hard.

It's been a while.

Now put this on.

The sun's a silent killer, you know?

Aye, aye, Captain, my Captain.

Please don't call me that.

[music playing]

ROO: Come on.

That's good.

That's good.

[music playing]

ROO: And go.

[music playing]

ROO: No. RUSS: Yes.

ROO: No, you're not ready. - Come on.

What happened to sucking all those juices

and dicks and stuff.

This is Kenny's signature training technique.

I used to do it all the time when I was a kid.

If I can do this now, then it proves

I haven't got that far to go to get back to where I used to be.

Just be careful.

Aye, aye, Captain, my captain.

I told you not to call me that.

Aye, aye, Captain.

[music playing]

ROO: Russ?

Turn around, back this way.

[russ yelling and falling]

Russ?

ROO: You're right.

I can't fix things.

I'm an anti-fixer.

Contact with me makes things worse.

EJ [ON PHONE]: What, did Russ die, too?

Not yet.

He just had an accident while I was trying to save him.

What do you mean, too?

EJ [ON PHONE]: Phil's dead.

Who?

EJ [ON PHONE]: Phil, the one who gave you all those cactus.

Cactuses. Cactuseses.

But he was next on the list after Russ.

[ominous music]

ROO: Oh, God.

No, no.

DOCTOR: Roo McVie?

I know.

He's dead.

Russ is dead, isn't he?

DOCTOR: No.

He's broken his tibia in three places,

but other than that he's fine.

And very keen to see you.

Good.

I can feel life pumping back through my veins,

and it's thanks to you.

I don't get it.

What's to get?

I'm alive.

You brought me back to life.

By falling down a cliff?

Yeah.

I broke some bones, but I don't care.

I'm alive.

I'm alive.

Yes.

Yes, you are.

How about a hug?

What are you doing? RUSS: Come on.

Let's go for a second round.

Let go of me, Russ. RUSS: No, no.

Seize the day. ROO: Let go of me.

Come on.

I mean it's not like we sealed the deal last time.

In a way, you kind of owe me.

What are you talking about?

Last time, with you and me.

It was too full-on being inside you.

You know, normally I'm just wanking over you.

What?

Wanking-- wanking over you from the other side

of the fence, wanking over you.

But when I was with you, I couldn't get there.

You faked it?

No, I just couldn't finish.

I seem to recall someone didn't mind at the time.

So, how about it?

Roo?

Ow.

You forgot the hose.

Zach thinks you've got that weird catatonic sleeping thing

from that Robin Williams movie.

Robin Williams is an ass clown.

I know he's an ass clown.

Tell you, that movie gets me every time.

Are you going to tell me what's going on?

Or should I just keep talking about Robin Williams movies,

because I can.

Jumanji.

Patch Adams.

He was in Fern Gulley.

He was the bat, you might not know.

- Russ didn't die. - That's great.

And weird.

He didn't seal the deal.

He didn't seal what deal?

Well, when we had sex, he didn't--

you know.

He faked it?

What teenager has that kind of control?

The seed stayed in the packet, and so it seems he was spared.

Interesting.

It's not interesting.

It's horrible.

Makes me want to live up a tree.

But you hate sap.

Why is this happening to me?

I'm a good person.

I use queues.

I replace the toilet roll.

I don't lie or steal, more than anyone else.

How is it that everyone I've slept

with has a death sentence, and I'm sitting

here talking about semen?

I don't know.

I'm a human plug hole.

Everyone who comes near me is sucked into a vortex of doom.

Now you sound like Zach.

You're not a plug hole.

We can fix it.

We'll solve it, and we'll stop it.

I promise.

When have I not worked something out?

Other than the-- - Electric can opener, yeah.

What am I meant to do till then?

Find a plug?

[fire bell ringing]

Fire alarm, folks.

Don't panic.

There's plenty of time.

[hysterical screaming]

Stop what you're doing, and proceed in an orderly manner

to Evacuation Point 3 in the car park.

I'll meet you there.

MAN: Oh, God.

We're all going to die!

Hi.

Fire, we have to go.

No, it's a--

No, we have to go.

It's a thing.

What are you doing?

My friend, Gus, thought this would

be a bit of a razzle-dazzle way of getting your attention.

Wow.

It's really very simple.

The wiring's quite old.

It's probably a bit of a hazard, when you think about it.

You think I'm an idiot?

No, no.

It's really lovely.

No one's every rigged a fire drill for me before.

So, now that you've interrupted my day, how can I help you?

I was wondering if you'd like to go to the movies,

like a proper, non-indoor cricket date?

[music playing]

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