Original subtitles

- I did it. - [gasps]

No.

I told you chore charts cause more drama than they prevent.

- That's not what this is.

This is a timeline

of everyone you have ever had sex with,

in order, along with everything you ever said about them,

the sex you had, quality, quantity,

location, and how they died,

if they're dead, except for Brandon.

Medical examiner is staying

real tight-lipped about that one.

- Jesus.

But wait, how did you-- - How did I do all this?

Well, I searched our text thread for the eggplant emoji

and also peanut, oyster, peach, and taco to cover all my bases.

- Oh, my God. - I keep every text

I send or receive, and this is why.

Ta-fucking-da. I stayed up all night working on it.

- And clearly went to Staples. - And went to Staples

when they opened at 8:00 a.m., yes.

Now we finally have color ink in our printer,

and we also have...

A blow-job overlay. - No. No, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not. - Okay.

Well, it's there if you want it.

That's why it's an overlay. That's how overlays work.

- And I slept with John Early after I dated that couple.

And I never slept with Megan's dad.

- No? That night we all fell asleep

watching "Manchester by the Sea"?

- I also fell asleep. - Okay, I'll take him down.

Maybe give Megan a call, though.

She thinks you fucked her dad.

- And Bar Trivia Guy didn't wear a Green Day T-shirt.

It was Sum 41. - Lot of notes.

Okay, thought you said you loved it.

- Never said that. Never said those words.

Is this an advent calendar?

- They're female sex addendums.

We don't know yet if women will die, too,

so we have extra room just to jot down our thoughts

or any poems that might come to us.

- You bought yarn for this. - I bought a lot of things.

Now, what do we do about Robert?

He's dying but still alive.

Maybe just one slash? - [groans]

- Ooh, I know. - Oh, my God.

- Dash, dash, dash. Dash, dash, dash.

Like in "The Family Circus," when you follow Billy.

"Where is Billy?" "Up in that tree."

Sorry, I've been awake for 29 hours.

- You're hiding it super well.

- Thank you. Now, this is everybody, right?

Jason Spotify Ads was the last guy you had sex with.

- Yep, that's everybody.

- Oh, and Zack. - What?

- We can't let him see this.

For someone who loves super-violent video games,

he's a little kid about actual death,

probably because all of his grandparents are still alive.

- Right.

Everyone up here is gonna die,

so he definitely shouldn't see it.

Or be on it. What? No.

He definitely won't be on it and won't see it

because he's afraid of death.

- What a puzzle. I will solve this.

- Will you?

I mean, seriously, how is this happening?

If six doctors ruled out my vagina assassinating people,

I think they'll also rule out long COVID,

body hair, and the moon.

- Okay, those are theories, which is why they're listed

under "theories" on the board, which is a judgment-free zone.

So, if you have anything you'd like to add...

- I don't know. I...

I think I may have, some point, in a bar or a dressing room,

said I didn't care if some

or maybe all of these people died.

So maybe someone thinks they're doing me a favor

by killing them.

- [softly] Murder. I love that. I want that for us.

[normal voice] I'm putting it up.

Although, after five bodies,

the killer probably would have sent you a trophy.

[phone chiming]

Hello?

- I have a delivery for Ruby Yao.

- Okay, but let's not jump to any conclusions.

Let's see what it is fir--

- There is a head in this box. I'll get to that in a second.

I have a stalker who has already killed five people.

[cover of James' "Laid"]

- ? This bed is on fire ?

? With passionate love ?

? The neighbors complain about the noises above ?

? But she only comes when she's on top ?

? ?

? My therapist said not to see you no more ?

? She said you're like a disease without any cure ?

? She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore ?

? Oh, no ?

? I think you're so pretty ?

? ?

- I'm sorry, did you just walk back here?

Is there anyone at the front desk?

- Yes. I told them why I was here,

and they said to come see you.

[laughter]

- [sighs] Fantastic.

How can I help you?

- I have a stalker who's killing

everyone I've ever had sex with because they don't want me

to be with anyone else but them.

- Oh, that's not how a stalker works.

They usually kill the object of their obsession.

- Right. I've heard this already

from my roommate, which is why she isn't here

and physically tried to stop me from coming.

But why would you kill

the person you're obsessed with?

If they're dead, you can't be obsessed anymore.

Fun's over.

But for this guy, the fun's just begun.

I have a Jigsaw, and I am terrified.

We need to catch this asshole.

- Did you just check to see if I had a wedding ring?

- Yes, because it's been ingrained in me,

because that's what women are forced to do

because of society.

My stalker is winning right now.

We need to focus.

I am AirDropping a photo of my sex timeline

to everyone in this police house.

Is that what it's called?

- It's a precinct.

[phones chiming]

- It's confronting, I know, but no one sex-shame me, please.

- This is a healthy body count for a 30-year-old woman.

- Thank you.

And only 30. bless.

- Okay, so your stalker gave your ex Michael

male anorexia?

- No, but I think maybe

my stalker took advantage of it.

Michael couldn't run because his legs were weak

from low muscle tone.

- And he gave David sepsis. - Could be an angel of mercy.

We need forensics on this.

And I'll need a 24-7 police tail.

Honestly, all these people will,

because they're about to be murdered.

Or one of them is a murderer,

and we need to act fast before he kills...

Simon.

[distant telephone ringing]

Gonna have to rack my brain on who that is.

- Yeah, you will.

And that's okay.

- [chuckles]

- Okay, why do we think there's a human head in this box?

Did we open it?

- My roommate wanted to, but I was like,

"That'll contaminate the evidence."

And she's like, "Oh, so now you're the expert on murder?"

And I'm like, "Uh, it's a head.

It's 8 pounds."

And she's like, "You can't get your science

from 'Jerry Maguire,'" and I'm like, "Can't I?

It's well-written." [sighs]

[gasps] Again, contamination.

Your pen could leave ink spots on the box tape.

How would we lift prints?

- Oh, our print lifter has a pen attachment.

[sighs]

- Do you want some eucalyptus ointment

to dab under your nose?

It's gonna smell. - Stop. Nope, I'm good.

Thank you.

- Oh, my God. Okay, here we go.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. [pants]

Are the eyes missing? Is there a note in the mouth?

I have tweezers.

[suspenseful music]

Ah.

[object thuds on desk, detective sighs]

I ordered snow globes for a party I'm planning.

[chuckles]

Had a really cute idea for the c-centerpieces.

I really could have a stalker, though.

Five people really are dead.

- Right.

Well, since we're not allowed

to dismiss women out of hand anymore

or use words like "overreacting" or "hysterical"

or "on the rag," I'm just gonna have to say to you,

thank you for entrusting us with your safety.

Have a nice day.

- I am not crazy. - Ah.

I didn't say you were, 'cause I'm not allowed to.

You can check my body-cam footage for verification.

- Oh, man, Stu Jackward died?

He just came off injured reserve.

[distant telephone ringing, indistinct chatter]

[doorbell rings]

- Hey.

I thought we said 1:00. It's only 10:30.

- Oh, yeah, my last meeting ended

a little earlier than I thought.

But good news.

- Oh, the snow globes came. [chuckles]

- Snow globes came. [chuckles] Not a human head.

- Yeah, my parents are gonna love this.

Come in. Come in.

- Another shipment's coming from Scotland.

I was just on the phone with them.

Tough accent to navigate.

- My dad does a great Scottish brogue.

[in bad Scottish accent] Purple burglar alarm.

[normal voice] He does it way better.

- [bad Scottish accent] Try it like you're gargling marbles.

[normal voice] That was Sean Connery counseling you.

[both laugh]

Is that "The Greatest Showman"?

- Ah, I don't know.

I just--I think the TV just came like that.

- Um...

are you an undercover musical lover?

Because throw those covers off, honey.

I am right here.

- Wait, are you serious? You like musicals?

- Okay, I know it's an impossible question,

but what's your favorite?

- Classic? "Singin' in the Rain."

- I was Donald O'Connor last Halloween.

- More recent, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch."

- I was John Cameron Mitchell the Halloween before that.

- And animated...

both: "Beauty and the Beast."

Oh! - Not gonna lie--

attracted to Beast. [both laugh]

- The end of "Be Our Guest," when the feather duster started

doing a little cancan and the champagne bottles pop.

- I levitated and maybe cried a little.

- I cried a lot,

or, like, you know, like a regular amount

a-a guy would cry.

- [chuckles]

I love that you love musicals.

- Yeah, I used to watch them all the time with my parents.

- I love how close you are with them.

My mom died when I was 18,

and then my dad kind of dipped out, so...

not a lot of closeness there.

I haven't seen him in years.

Save a lot on cards, though. - Mm.

- Who still sends cards? Uh, I do.

When's your birthday? - Uh, May 26th.

- [bad Scottish accent] You're getting a card.

- [bad Scottish accent] Oh, great.

[both laugh]

- [normal voice] Can I get you something to drink?

- Gin. Kidding. Surprise me.

- [chuckles]

Man, it's kind of nice to talk musicals again.

Merci, she doesn't like 'em.

- Oh, it was so great meeting her.

You know, I was really impressed

by her Women Experiencing Carlessness charity.

You know, I saw a woman walking to work this morning.

Please tell her I thought of her.

- I will. Yeah, she'll like that.

- Yeah, I like her. Her hair.

- Hopefully it's not too early for a probiotic soda.

[chuckles] - Impossible.

- To good gut health. [both laugh]

Mmm. - [groans softly]

- Oh, hey, how'd it go with your friend?

Did you talk to her, get that big, scary thing

off your chest?

- Oh, no.

We've got a lot of other stuff going on right now.

Crazy stuff, actually, so it's a little tense.

- Oh, shit.

Is everything okay? - Yeah.

I mean, no, but we are figuring things out.

It's fine.

It's gonna be fine, I hope.

Crazy being a single woman in the city.

- Mm-hmm. - A lot of people out there.

Weirdos. - Mm.

- Is that a bat?

- Oh, uh, yeah.

It's to fight off the squirrels.

- What?

- Merci, she likes to keep the windows open,

but she's allergic to the mesh in the screens,

so enter every squirrel in Seattle.

- They made a mess of your rug.

- Uh, that--that's, uh, usually covered by the couch.

Yeah, let me--let me just--

- Oh. - Yeah.

[tense music]

That I still need to deal with.

? ?

[laughs]

? ?

- It's Isaac! Isaac is my stalker!

- Oh, my God, you do not have a stalker.

Was there a head in the box? - It was snow globes.

- I know. I ran the tracking number.

Anyway, there's news. - There is.

I have a stalker, and it's Isaac.

I was just over at his house.

It is full-on

"Silence of the Lambs" over there.

He has a squirrel bat.

And think about it.

Guys started dying right after we met.

And he's so cute and innocent-looking.

I mean, isn't it always the cute guy you least expect?

- Ed Gein was never cute.

- Everyone's cute to somebody.

Check if Isaac has living parents he didn't kill.

Google "snow globe murder weapon

Isaac Torres parents."

- Rubes, Isaac is not your stalker

because you don't have a stalker,

because stalkers can't give someone cancer.

- Oh, no.

[soft dramatic music]

? ?

- Dash, dash, dash.

Dash, dash, dash.

- Poor Robert.

I can't believe he's already dead.

Like, he is dead.

A guy I loved. - I know.

And the cluster's next. - The what?

- You have a sex cluster followed by an antibiotic gap.

See, that's why I made these brackets and that circle.

- Okay.

Okay, I--

I had just come out of my first real relationship,

and I needed to do some fucking and sucking

and swiping and wiping. - Oh, I know.

Want to see the blow-job overlay in this area?

It's planes stacked over San Francisco.

You cannot see the city. - Oh, my God.

I'm gonna kill a whole cluster.

- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe not the whole thing. Jordana might not die.

It might have to be full OM-pen.

- Mm?

- Full organic member penetration.

- Got it. Hate it.

And I hate that I dealt with my first heartbreak

by sex clustering or whatever.

- No, respect your timeline.

Look, you inspired me to do mine.

- This has four people on it.

- I was with Terrance for eight years

and then Zack for five.

And you know I really have to care about someone

before I'm intimate, which is not an indictment.

I wish I could be more like you.

I wish I didn't love so hard. - What about the cellist?

- We didn't do much, just hand stuff.

- No blow-job overlay? - Mm, no, not my thing.

I didn't want to mess up my Invisalign.

Now, my hand-job overlay-- these are my greatest assets.

I'm like a surgeon but with hand jobs.

- Both hands. Wow.

- You don't want one to be a lot stronger than the other.

You think this one can't tag in if this one gets tired?

- [sighs] Your sex timeline folds up

and fits in a doll's pocket.

Mine is on wheels and takes up this whole room.

- I can take it down. - No.

It's...

good for me to see it,

to remind me that all these guys,

and possibly two women,

are going to die because of me.

[light tense music]

I think I have to warn them.

- I do, too. I also think that.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Roll on some deodorant, and we'll head out.

- Wait, but wait.

It's gonna be so weird...

and hard.

Jeffrey and Robert had some not great things to say to me,

and they didn't even know about the whole

"they're going to die because of me" part.

- Agree.

It is gonna be weird and hard, but there are--

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven--

- I changed my mind. Just take it down.

- 13, 14, 15, 16-- 17 guys and 2 women

who deserve to know what's happening.

They would want to know. I know I'd want to know.

- Really?

Something... this bad?

We did the fucking worst--

The worst thing?

You'd want to know? - Absolutely.

We don't want to be the people who know something

and don't say something.

We want to be Niecy Nash

in "Dahmer Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story."

- "American Dahmer Monster: The Jeffrey Murder Story."

- "Ryan Murphy Presents Jeffrey Crime Monster:

American Murder Dahmer."

Zack came up with that one.

Could not watch it, though. Begged me to turn it off.

- Let's go be Niecy. - Let's go be Niecy.

[door closes]

- And we're sure Isaac's not my stalker?

- Yes, we Googled his parents.

They are alive and well in a sea of snow globes.

Literally, everything he has ever told you has been true.

- Fine. But what do we tell these guys?

We don't even know how long they have left.

- Somewhere between several days and one or two.

I'm trying to find a correlation

between the length of time you dated everyone

and the time between deaths.

I feel like it's an average of two numbers,

but I don't know which.

And then I feel like I need to divide by something,

but I don't know what. - Penis size?

- I do have some of those numbers,

but it's an incomplete dataset.

I know you're nervous, but also try and think of this

as a fact-finding mission.

Are you wearing contour? - I'm about to see all my exes.

- To tell them they're dying.

- I don't think me looking like shit

will soften the blow. [heavy footsteps]

- The Clog Dropper from upstairs.

- What do we do? - Uh, act casual.

[ominous musical sting]

- Hi. Jill Blanch? [chuckles]

We're your downstairs neighbors, Ruby and AJ.

So weird we haven't met after eight years.

Nice clogs.

- Pure birch.

[heavy footsteps]

- She is so scary. I love it.

- Okay.

Let's go tell everyone I've ever slept with

that they're going to die.

- Ladies, congrats on the nups.

What kind of a retirement plan were you hoping to save for?

- Yeah, sorry, I sort of lied to get us in here.

It's me.

Ruby Yao?

- Oh, yeah, Ruby.

[both laugh]

Hi. - Hi. It's me.

[both laugh]

- Cool. How are you?

- Well...

Simon, let me answer that question with a question.

Would you want to know if you were gonna die?

- What? - Also, can you tell me

how long your erect penis is from base to tip?

- What?

- Let us both back up a little bit.

It's a bit too personal to get into over intercom,

but I have some urgent information

I need to pass along to Brian, Brian Glidewell.

The jukebox used to be over there, didn't it?

I'll have a vodka tonic.

Whoa, that was pure muscle memory.

Spent a lot of time in this bar listening to medium-ugly men

talk about their jobs.

- So you want a vodka tonic? - Oh, no. Sorry.

Does the guy who used to run trivia still work here?

He used to wear a Sum 41 shirt.

- It was a Green Day shirt. - Oh, Richie.

- Richie. Richie.

- He runs trivia at a different bar on Wednesdays.

- Shit. Okay.

But while I have you...

- In the original "Peanuts" cartoon,

who is Snoopy's nemesis?

- There he is. Sum 41 shirt.

- It was Green Day.

- I love this new outfit.

Did you add sequins?

- I didn't add sequins.

They appear magically the closer I, Corbin the Clown,

get to being a kid again.

[silly voice] Keep it moving!

Keep it moving! Keep--

- [speaking Portuguese, laughs]

- [speaking Portuguese]

- Sorry, Google Translate just went into the cloud

for some reason.

- Because you have no room on your phone

because you keep all your fucking texts.

- So surprising to get your text.

- Yeah, we haven't heard from you

since you broke up with us.

- That's funny.

I remember it feeling a little bit more mutual.

- No. - No.

- Okay. [laughs nervously]

Well, I am so happy to see that you guys are still together.

I know that sometimes it can be hard

opening your relationship up to a third.

- Oh, well, when your third is Beth...

- Yeah, Beth was a real game changer for us.

- Oh, gosh.

- Really opened us up, you know?

- Yeah. - When you know, you know.

- All I know is, the guy I'm looking for is named Lucas.

Let me draw for you the man I'm looking for.

Can you pull up Illustrator on that?

- I don't have Illustrator on this.

- Hmm. That's too bad.

I want to be kind, so I don't want to say what I'm picturing.

But, basically, when we were having sex,

I was like a pea on a pile of mashed potatoes.

- Well, no more potatoes, and bam.

[chuckles]

It's me, Ruby, Lug.

- No way.

- Way. [chuckles]

Yeah, I go by Lug now.

So, uh, what's this all about?

- Do you remember that C�roc vodka launch party in 2018?

You were a bottle-service boy, and I was sort of your boss

who probably shouldn't have slept with you.

- Oh, no.

Did you have a baby?

[exhales deeply] Fuck, do I have a son?

Is that what this is?

[groans]

Is it--is it him?

- No, I-I think that man works here.

- He's not with us. - That's your coworker.

- Oh, thank God. [chuckles]

Oh, my God. That was--

- [laughs nervously] - You got me, man.

That was crazy. - Yeah.

Okay. Can you see this timeline?

So then people started dying.

Now all these guys before you are dead.

- One, two, three, four, five, six.

- I said I clicked on "leave at door."

- No, no, no, I am not a delivery.

I'm looking for a Brian Glidewell.

- So I'm gonna die?

- Also, seems unrelated, but it's not.

Have you used generic body spray

in the last nine years?

- Oh, we can circle back to that in a second.

In the meantime, let me just AirDrop you this timeline.

[phone chimes] Oh.

Just sent you my JetBlue app.

Hmm. Be better at phones, girl.

Should we have a handout ready so they can follow along?

Would that help?

- Yeah, it'd be nice to hold something.

- What?

- I'm Ruby.

We dated briefly.

You took me, unironically, to brunch at a ren faire.

- Yes. No, I know, Ruby. I remember you.

I just haven't seen you since we got in a fight

about the movie "Malignant."

I kept calling the main character Malignant

as if that was her actual name, and she got annoyed because--

- It's not the character's name.

'Cause it's not the character's name.

- Okay, well... - Okay, remembering now

you love a long story.

- And they're all dead? - All dead.

- Yeah, but this paper doesn't actually explain anything.

- And some of these words are really hard to make out.

I mean, I'm sorry, is that a C or a G?

- Yes, that's a C.

Unless "sex gluster" is a term suddenly?

Obviously, it's not.

- Oh, I get it. This is an AA thing.

You're making amends.

- Is this a prank?

[laughs] Oh, did Blake send you?

That fucker. Hey, Blake!

Blake, I know it's you, bitch! [laughs]

- What do I tell my mom?

- [gasps] - What the fuck?

- I don't know where Brian Glidewell is,

and neither does Bass Pro Shop!

- Okay, okay, we tried. - We tried.

- Nobody's ever tried harder! - [yelps]

- I have a lot of questions.

- Really, everything we know is on the flyer.

I'm sorry. I wish I had more answers.

I just don't.

- That was lovely. You're doing great right now.

- Yeah, thanks. That one felt good.

- Can we maybe just, like, start at the beginning?

- Read the answer. - Okay, it's the Red Baron.

The answer is the Red Baron.

- I said it wasn't Woodstock.

That's Snoopy's best friend and confidant.

- Can we just--

What in the fucking--

- Hell! You put me through hell.

You--you laughed when you broke up with me.

You drove me somewhere after and laughed the whole way.

And you used my catchphrase against me.

"Keep it moving"? - I did.

And I see now I shouldn't have done that, "Jo-ay-oh."

- "Jo-ay-oh." - Jo�o!

- "Jo-ay-oh." - Jo�o.

- [whispering] I think he's upset with us.

- Of course we're upset.

- I'm just trying to tell you information

you deserve to know.

- What kind of woman dresses up

to let people know that they're dying?

- It's just contour!

- A doctor who cares about her appearance.

- Wait, I'm confused. Who's a doctor?

She's a doctor? both: No!

- Okay.

Okay, look, I just need everyone to take a deep breath

and raise your hand if you've ever used

spray paint in an enclosed space.

- This is just typical Ruby chaos energy.

- Yeah, yeah, brings me right back.

- You know, you were a real fucking nightmare to deal with.

- What? Me? - Yeah.

Yeah. - How?

- Well, you told your friends that I was...

- A loser, and then you ghosted...

- Me, right after you had... - Cheated on us...

- And you wouldn't even let us...

- Do it in your... - Bottom.

- What? - Your lowest point.

What was your rock bottom?

- This, right now.

- Oh, you're still in your disease.

My lowest point was actually my last night with you,

that car crash. - Of course.

Everyone's got something today.

I laughed at this one.

I cheated on those ones.

Now there's this car crash that is somehow my fault.

- Well, you were driving. - So?

- No, it's a good thing.

It's what finally jolted me back to life,

what made me put down the giant mashed potato spoon.

- He did.

He used to eat them with a giant spoon.

- When you ran away--

literally, the cops had to chase her for blocks--

it kind of threw me.

I thought that an experience like that would bond us

closer together, but you just disappeared.

But you know what I did after that?

- Ate?

- No, I, uh--the opposite.

I stopped eating. I stopped drinking.

I stopped the whole self-destructive path

that I was on, and I started training.

I got fit. I got other people fit.

So thank you, Ruby.

- Thank me? - Yeah, for saving my life.

[soft music]

- Lug, I hope it's your cheat day,

'cause we are going for mashed potatoes.

- [laughs] All right.

- So I saved a person's life. - Hmm.

Interesting you started there.

- There's a person now where a person maybe wouldn't be.

- Because of you. - Because of me.

- [laughs]

- A lot of them, though, didn't have very fond memories of me.

- They did not, no.

- A doorman in a bedazzled clown costume

tried to strangle me.

- But that makes what you did today even more impressive.

You went into a hostile environment,

and you did that shit.

- You're just trying to G me up.

- That's right, because you're a motherfucking G.

Also, you knew all those people so long ago.

You're so different than you were back then.

- Am I? - You totally are.

You're, like, so mature... - [scoffs]

- A full adult and a great person.

The best best friend.

- I'm really not.

But you are.

Some of the things I've done, I--

Or really one thing--

[phone vibrating] - Ugh, it's Zack.

He's down to 39 subscribers

on his livestream channel, and he is losing it.

Hey.

Okay, look, no one appreciated Van Gogh either,

and now they sell his paintings on phone cases.

[whispering] Are you headed home?

- [whispering] I'm just gonna...

I'll see you later.

- Okay, great work today.

Lots of new information.

I'm gonna work on the board later

when Zack goes to his friend Felix's to watch "Bosch."

I love you.

[soft music]

? ?

- Fuck.

? ?

[sighs deeply]

[screams]

[K.Flay's "Blood in the Cut"]

? ?

- ? I need noise ?

? I need the buzz of a sub ?

? Need the crack of a whip ?

? Need some blood in the cut ?

? I need noise ?

? I need the buzz of a sub ?

? Need the crack of a whip ?

? Need some blood in the cut ?

? I need blood in the cut ?

? ?

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