Original subtitles

ROO: Did you know one of my ex-boyfriends died on Tuesday?

I wish he was better in bed, so this moment

wasn't so awkward for you.

Hi.

Hi.

Look, if you and your boyfriend want to send each other saucy

emails, it's your--

Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.

No, no, no.

Davey, I haven't seen you in ages.

Well, not since that--

well, at the-- party.

There's a word for people like you where I'm from.

Oh really?

Yeah, it's fucking slut.

[car braking]

[thud]

Jesus!

ROO: Two of them, two.

EJ: Are you sure you want to do this?

This Is what people do after they've had a bit of a shock.

Listen, Leighton.

MAN: Can you please stop calling here?

Was he there?

Leighton's dead.

[THEME - HARRY ROY, "MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

There's one pet I like to pet.

And every evening we get set, I stroke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy.

Often it goes out at night, returns the break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves.

We spoon like two turtle doves.

I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy.

GRAHAM: Well, that's the thing about me Mini Marts though,

isn't it, the representation of life.

Six aisles of chakra.

And the checkout point--

just stay with me here.

The checkout is Sahasrara.

That's the chakra in the middle of your head.

It symbolizes the detachment from illusion.

And that's why you take your key card out

and you pay at that particular point.

Drive-thru, though, well, they're

a whole different kettle of fish.

OK, thank you.

You can sit down now.

That was too over the top, wasn't it?

It was fine, Dad.

It's just that I thought that's what a Hindu taxi

driver from Croydon would say.

I know.

You can't ask me to pad out these groups

and not expect me to inhabit the character.

I don't-- stop being oversensitive.

You've been eating factory-farmed meat,

haven't you? - Dad.

Your bowels are sluggish.

How would you know?

Well, you can tell by looking at someone's eyeballs.

I saw it on the Katrina Warren show.

Katrina Warren's a vet.

Yeah, well, we're all members of the animal kingdom

though, aren't we, underneath it all?

Sure.

Did you join that dating site that your mum

sent you the link to?

No.

Why not?

There' no shame to it these days.

That's where your uncle Rob met Sandra, there.

Sandra had a penis.

Yeah, well that's not the site's fault, though, is it?

They can't police everything.

Besides, those photos from the waist up--

well, they hide all manner of sins.

I just can't go on dates right now.

It's complicated.

You haven't grown a penis, have you?

Oh.

Have you grown a penis?

It's not funny.

No, I suppose not.

So how was the funeral?

Oh, actually, it was horrible.

Yeah, well those things are never a picnic.

No, no, it was awful.

Someone died.

Mm.

No, someone died.

What, in addition to--

oh God, that is awful. - It was after the wake.

He was hit by a car.

[stifled chuckle]

Someone you were close to?

Kind of, yeah.

Not really, though.

I mean, I'm OK.

It was just a bit surreal.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I haven't dobbed you in for downloading

porno and crashing the entire office computer system, so.

EJ: He sounds nice. - He is nice.

That's the problem.

Look, I know three exes in one go is a bit weird.

A bit?

I'm a doomsday cult.

EJ: You're acting like there's some sinister plot.

There is.

Just because a few old boyfriends--

Oh, I wouldn't call Davey a boyfriend.

I slept with him once at a party.

Up against--

Then all of a sudden, he's hit by a car.

Sucks to be him.

ROO: And then Leighton, my first proper, proper,

proper boyfriend, who I liked to hold

hands with in food courts--

EJ: Has an aneurysm.

Creepy.

EJ: It's just a rotten coincidence.

It is creepy.

I'm Tutankhamen.

You're like Tutankhamen.

ROO: Yeah.

Anyone who enters my tomb is doomed with an Egyptian curse.

Are you saying your tomb is your--

really? I have a crypt.

[knocking on door]

Do you mind?

I don't really want to see him right now.

He can understand hieroglyphics, if it helps the two of you

communicate.

Well, he can draw snakes.

You're looking well.

Can we just do this?

Yep, sure.

Let me guess.

She has chucked out my Nintendo.

Do you want a Christmas sword.

So can I see her?

ROO: I don't think that's a great idea.

Why not?

Well, she's kind of emotional at the moment.

Spare me.

She's not ready to see you.

Don't be such a dickhead.

I'm not.

Oh god, I hate this part.

The bit where she cracks her sads and makes me suffer.

ROO: She's not trying to make you suffer.

When do we get to the good bit, you know, where we make up

and have special Mom and Dad time?

Gee, that's-- not sure.

Wait, wait.

That's our bed.

Yep.

No, what's it doing there?

ROO: Well, EJ was going to get a trailer around and take

it to the tip later on.

What for?

Because she bought a new bed.

I put in half of that bed!

No, you didn't.

Well, I said I would!

I came around and had the money ready and everything.

She just wasn't here.

That bad was our-- shit.

OK then, thanks for stopping by.

So Roo, can I have the bed then?

I tell you, the next girl who gets him is lucky, lucky.

DOCTOR: Are you comfortable?

Not particularly.

No, I don't suppose you are.

I have to ask that question.

They get mad otherwise.

Who does?

You know, people.

The authorities.

Now if you're up for it, I'd like to try out something new.

OK.

Now this is a technique I picked up in Vanuatu.

Do you know Reba Shikaki?

ROO: Nope.

She does absolutely marvelous work with vaginas.

Right.

Now I want you to think of this as sort of aura cleansing.

Down below.

Down below aura cleansing.

ROO: Fine.

Uh, have you ever come across a weird disease-type thing

where anyone who enters a vagina ends up dying?

What, like gonorrhea, HIV, syphilis, that sort of thing?

Because I can give you a test, if you like.

Not in an STD way.

I mean like other kinds of deaths.

Like how?

Like an aneurysm?

A penis aneurysm?

Is there such a thing as a penis aneurysm?

I don't know.

It would be awful if there was.

A brain aneurysm.

Ah, right.

Tell me, are you feeling any heat at all

when I'm doing this?

No.

Oh, damn.

Bloody Reba.

And--

A waste that was.

Being hit by a car.

DOCTOR: Mm hm.

And overdosing on kava, the mud alcohol.

Is this one of these trick questionnaires,

where if I get an answer wrong, you can tell me that I'm gay.

It doesn't matter. I'm just being an idiot.

Because I'm not, you know.

I'm completely the opposite.

I'm going to try something else out.

[bells ringing]

[singing]

Roo, Roo--

I'm sorry, I can't--

what, your thing-- things, oh.

Hi.

How long has he been out there?

All day.

That's a first.

EJ: I know.

I'm kind of surprised at how hard he's taking it this time.

The crying and the wrestling with mattresses

is sort of out of character.

He does looked pretty upset.

He looked that upset when his sister told him

he resembled Darryl Sanders.

Maybe you should go and talk to him.

EJ: Don't. - I'm just saying.

EJ: You know what we're like.

One second we'll be talking, the next we'll be back in bed.

And after that, we're on again.

I'm trying to be disciplined.

I know, I'm sorry.

I don't want him to sing any more Greenspan.

He started making up his own verses about an hour ago.

Come on.

Night, Zach.

ZACH: Where are you going?

Can I come?

[music playing]

I wouldn't even know how you pick up in a bar these days.

Isn't there like an iPhone application

you can get that beeps when someone compatible walks in?

There used to be.

I think too many people got raped,

so they had to take it off the market.

I need a move.

What do you mean?

You know, like a move, like a signature thing.

So potential suitors will know when I'm interested.

Potential suitors.

It's been like two years or something.

That's a long time.

Well, what about that nice boy with the big hair

that you picked up, last time you and Zach were on a break?

That didn't count as picking up officially.

I woke up naked in his housemates bedroom,

looking like the girl from "The Ring."

Oh.

Unsubscribe.

Did that guy just look?

Probably a lazy eye.

Yes, it's a lazy eye.

So, do you work nearby, or--

Yeah, just in the city.

I'm a dental technician.

Oh, wow. That's--

Not very sexy.

I wasn't going to say that.

Very high suicide rate too, right?

Statistically speaking, as far as careers go.

- Roo works in market research. - Oh, really?

Yes, our main focus this week is

how to make dental technicians want to kill themselves

in neighborhood bars.

She's very, she's very funny.

So Van, why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself?

Yeah, um, it kind of feels like I'm

being interviewed for a job.

You might be.

Did you bring your own bib and spit bucket?

- Excuse me. - Sure.

I didn't mean-- that was just a joke, you know.

Hi!

Oh!

Fancy seeing you here.

Is this your local?

No, not really.

Yours?

Well, sort of.

We're closer to the Kent.

But we had to stop going there when

they stopped letting Asians in.

It's nice to see you.

You too.

Come and meet my friends-- well, friend, EJ.

She's trying to pick up a dentist.

I think I made him want to kill himself.

I have that effect on people.

This is Charlie, the IT guy from work.

CHARLIE: Hi.

ROO: Charlie, this is EJ and Van.

Charlie, so what brings you here, man?

Oh, actually, I've, um--

STACEY: Charlie!

Hi, I'm Stacey.

Hi, Stacey.

Stacey.

So my dad said I couldn't borrow his car

after what happened last time.

Because I'm still on my Ls.

But have you guys seen Charlie's wheels?

My-- my car's not actually that bad.

It's gray.

It's like a bird poo.

Yuck!

Yuck.

I suppose you park two blocks away when you come to work,

so that nobody sees it.

CHARLIE: Yeah, it's actually Sharia law.

It's got to stay 10 paces behind me, or we get stoned to death.

[laughter]

I drive a Prius.

Of course he wouldn't be here on his own.

Why would he be here on his own?

He's here meeting his girlfriend.

His five-year-old girlfriend.

What's that about?

Seriously.

Dressed up a bit on the junior side.

A bit!

He's practically a child molester.

I'm going to report him to DoCS on the way home.

Maybe I'm too old for him.

Bindi Irwin's too old for him.

Don't, he's really nice.

Oh, is he one of the nice pedophiles?

Well, I'm not going to sit here like an idiot

while he's on a date with his girlfriend.

Do you mind if I leave?

Of course not.

This thing with Van looks like it might

be going somewhere anyway.

See?

Haven't even mentioned Zach all night.

He seems sweet.

He seems like a dentist.

Now, here you go.

Look amazing, smile, and go.

All right, thanks for that.

You'll be all right with them?

Oh, sure.

I'll breast feed her if she starts getting tedious.

Or you know, I'll just jangle my keys.

They love that.

STACEY: Like the whole way they've

done it and all the action.

And I mean vampires!

That's totally original, right?

CHARLIE: Yeah.

STACEY: Like no one's ever done.

They've set a new trend.

I mean, I know it keeps, people think

it's really lame or whatever.

But I think they're really intelligent.

I mean, they--

[music playing]

Get up off the grass, for god's sake.

Trapped in a glass cage of emotion.

Come on, I'll help you.

It's just so hard to lift.

I know.

When you're hurting so deep.

Yes, yes.

Please, start trying to act like a normal person,

just for a little bit.

Come on, Zach, I'll help you.

Zach, everyone has problems.

Yeah, well, you know those BMX kids from around the corner.

They came and one of them called me a faggot.

ROO: Don't listen to them.

I'm not a faggot.

They're faggots.

ROO: Zach, they're only children.

Come on, I'm going to help.

Come on, up you get.

Thanks.

Appreciate it, really.

No problem.

It's just when things get rough, you lean on the people

that you've known for the longest time.

And those that come through for you, you never forget them.

It's not-- not a big deal.

It's a big deal, Roo.

I'm hurting.

I know.

What's EJ doing tonight, anyway?

Uh, she's out for a drink with friends.

Picking up, right?

I wouldn't-- I wouldn't know.

I know how she rolls.

You don't have to protect me.

We'll sort it out.

Anyway, you don't want to sit here

all night, listening to me bitch about EJ.

How is it with you?

Shit with me is shit, actually.

Bad news bears.

Two of my exes have died recently.

Fuck, that sucks.

Three, actually.

Seriously?

It's a bit intense.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

This ex of mine from high school died in a car crash.

And it really affected me.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, it's not like we went out for that long or anything.

But-- it still made me really sad.

It's kind of hard to know what to do with that emotion

when part of you feels that you haven't

earned the right to grieve.

That's exactly what I've been going through.

I get it.

As Keith Urban once said, to love and pain.

Amen Keith, wherever you are.

He's not--

[music playing]

ZACH: Hey, you awake?

Oh, my god.

I'll take that as yes.

Did we--

ZACH: Oh yeah.

Did we actually-- oh, my god.

This is-- this is awful.

What?

Oh, come on.

Just don't get stressed out about it.

It's not that bad.

I've had worse.

[slap]

Ow!

Come on, let's stop over thinking things.

There's always been a spark there.

It's a little strange, if you're asking me.

Because I like to eat and laugh and fuck

and play down below and these are the things that I know.

You know who said that?

Where's my other shoe?

It was a little band of cosmic poets called the Cat Empire.

I did not think this was going to get a workout so soon.

Mom!

Mom, are you awake?

Dirty stop out.

You look like death.

I know.

Where did you end up?

I've just had a few wines at Mom and Dad's.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, EJ--

You'll be pleased to know that Van was

a gentleman and minty fresh.

Oh, he stayed.

EJ: Mm hm.

Are you going to see him again?

EJ: Maybe.

I'm not sure I really want a dead dentist

hanging from my ceiling.

I think it worked, though.

Purged of Zach.

Oh, you're not going to believe who dropped in this morning.

Who?

Andrew.

What, Andrew, Andrew?

- Andrew, Andrew. - That's weird.

I know.

He's really keen to see you.

Keen in a we made a terrible mistake, let's get married way?

He wants you to call him.

Is he still going out with man shoulders?

Roo, you made it!

Hello, he didn't tell me you were--

it's nice to see you.

Come in, everyone is downstairs.

Look who's here.

Hello, darling!

Don't you look lovely.

Doesn't she look lovely?

Yes, she looks lovely.

ANDREW'S SISTER: Hi, gorgeous.

Are you still working at the marketing place?

For my sins.

Where's my Jasper?

Here he is, here's my Jasper.

Hi.

Hi!

I'm so glad you could come.

Of course, let me see you.

How long has it been?

Too long.

It has, hasn't it.

Too long, far too long.

So, have you been well?

You seem well.

KRISTEN: Yeah, I've been, you know, working hard.

Still in hospitality?

Retail.

Oh, you moved into retail.

No, I've always been in retail.

Um, Um, I'm just going to seize the moment

and answer a few words, if that's OK with everyone.

What's all this about?

Sh.

ANDREW: I'm so glad to have the people who are most important

in my life here today.

One way or another, you all hold a very

special place in my heart.

So thank you.

Hear, hear.

ANDREW: Thanks Dan.

Sometimes you reach milestones in your life.

And your first thought isn't what's this about.

It's who can I share this with.

Who do I want to take on this journey with me.

Kristen, of course.

She's been with me every step of the way.

She's my rock, and I'm so grateful.

I love you so much, darling.

I love you too.

ANDREW: The reason I asked you here today is because I

wanted to tell you in person. I'm dying.

Cheers.

Are you all right?

Nothing's coming up.

Yeah, it's a bit of a shock.

I understand.

That's an understatement.

I thought you were about to tell us you were getting married.

God, you know I don't believe in marriage.

Three weeks, really?

Yeah.

You know, what's important--

Oh god, here it goes.

[retching]

ANDREW: You know, to be honest, I was expecting something

a little bit more supportive.

I'm sorry, I'm just--

What am I supposed to do here, Roo, comfort you?

It's not always about you.

This is intense.

ANDREW: I kind of know the feeling.

What is happening to me?

Today was supposed to be an intimate experience.

I'm sharing something incredibly important

with the people who mean the most to me,

and you're turning it into a personal crisis.

I'm not making a scene, really.

It's just that--

You're just dry retching in the backyard.

Not from that.

No more dramas.

I don't have time for it anymore.

I'm sorry.

EJ: Jesus.

Sh.

Shut up, shut up.

Oh, hello.

Hey, don't mind us.

We were just--

- I think she has rumbled us. - We will take this--

We will take this to the kitchen.

Toilets?

EJ: Don't, shit.

It's not funny.

Don't take them off again.

Are you OK?

I'm sorry about the whole--

there was no ass to keyboard contact, promise.

So, you're back on then?

What can I say?

The guy has a hold on me.

Pathetic but true.

You think I'm an idiot.

No I don't.

EJ: I know it's stupid.

He's not a complete dickhead, you know.

How was Andrew's?

There has to be a logical explanation.

I'd love to hear it.

And I'm keen to know what you're going to write down there.

Is it, is it a sign for me to stick on my head,

in case someone else wants to have sex with me?

I'm a Capricorn.

We make lists, and we take it from there.

Now, Andrew was the last person you slept with?

Mm hm.

Oh, that is sad.

As is all the dying and what not.

So, we've lost Brendan and Davey and Leighton.

- Right. - And Andrew's--

ROO: Sick.

--Not long for this world.

Sorry, I'm just trying to get it straight.

So Brendan was the first to go.

Death by kava.

EJ: Davey was hit by a car.

And Leighton had an aneurysm.

Gosh, this is cheery.

Who was the first person you slept with ever?

ROO: Leighton.

EJ: Brendan was the second?

And then Davey.

And Davey died after Brendan.

I can't believe we're having this conversation.

Come on, there has to be a thread.

There's no thread.

There's just death.

EJ: Brendan then Davey then Leighton.

It doesn't make any sense.

None of it makes sense.

EJ: How come Leighton died after Davey?

ROO: He didn't.

What do you mean?

I mean he died ages ago.

I only found out later, because--

Which means they're being knocked off in order.

Do you think they're being knocked off?

EJ: And there were more, right?

I mean, of course there was more.

You're a modern woman. I've met half of them.

We need to write them down.

Why?

Do you think-- are more people going to die?

We just need to find them and make sure they're OK.

What if they're not OK?

One step at a time.

Cast your mind back.

Who was the first person you had sex with after Davey?

Um--

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