Original subtitles

[THEME - HARRY ROY, "MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

There's one pet I like to pet.

And every evening we get set, I stroke it every chance I get,

it's my girl's pussy.

Often it goes out at night, returns the break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like,

it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves.

We spoon like two turtle doves.

I take care to remove my gloves, when stroking my girl's pussy.

And the entire process should take about 45 minutes.

OK, so I'll start.

I'll say it, and you repeat it.

And that way you'll know what to do when it's your turn.

My name is Roo McVie.

Repeat it back.

ALL: My name is Roo McVie.

Correct.

But you'd put your own name in there, obviously, and then

a little bit about yourself.

My name's David Miller.

I'm 33.

I like Supertramp.

And my favorite type of aircraft,

uh, Gulf war period fighter planes.

I'm 27.

I have nine kids, a dog and a bird.

Kid's are named in alphabetical order,

just to see something different.

We're not trying to have 26 or anything, just, you know.

MARKETEER 2: And if I had more time,

I'd like to start a company with my brother

where at school sporting events, we offer haircuts to parents.

Usually there's a coffee cup.

We want to do haircuts.

ROO: Right, great.

And that is when you tell us what you think about soy.

And remember, there are no right and wrong answers in market

research, just your own.

So hands up here.

Who gets a little aroused, just by looking at this.

That was a hypothetical, just a joke, sorry.

What?

Positive.

Yep.

Negative.

Did they give a reason?

They said it tastes like sock.

Just one sock, just a sock singular?

Uh, yeah.

Oh!

What now?

Someone likes you.

Oh, what-- what did they say?

Asks if you're single, as if it's not obvious.

It's the hair.

Who is it?

OK.

Did you see who did that?

They're not getting paid.

ROO: Brilliant responses, thank you.

Ah, does anyone have any questions before you head off

to the alcoholic cider session?

Yes

MARKETEER 3: Will you be taking the next session too?

Sadly not.

You'll be in the capable hands of the lovely Darren.

[groans]

Oh, come on, just--

He's a retard!

No, that's not a very PC word.

Yes?

So, are you single?

Mate, that's crossing the line.

Oh, yeah, your face crosses the line, mate.

That doesn't make sense.

Yeah, it makes sense to me.

Your face crosses the line.

OK, let's just calm down.

MARKETEER 1: I'm only trying to defend you from Mr.

sex predator over here.

Oh, sex predator, yeah.

Well, you're not the boss of me, are you.

So why don't you take this.

MARKETEER 1: Want some some frigging--

[fighting]

OK, let's not mess up all the leftovers.

Just leave it.

MARKETEER 2: More?

[interposing voices]

ZACH: How can-- that was a present for you, because--

EJ: I walked in and you were playing them.

ZACH: You said you love Johnny Fireman.

EJ: I said I love Johnny Cash.

ZACH: Your words.

Like you ever listen.

Take your fucking bagpipes and just get out.

Good evening.

Oh, and can you please tell him to take

his fucking Crocs out of the bathroom while he's at it.

Zach, would you mind--

ZACH: I can hear her, I can hear you.

I'm not deaf!

EJ: You might want to add that the only people who

wear those shoes are midwives and child molesters.

And even they don't get the orange ones!

ZACH: They're fire engine red!

And anyway, I've got the feeling--

I asked for the alcoholic cider group,

but it was already taken.

ZACH: I seem to remember it was you

who wanted to go bush walking in the first place!

[door slams]

On a scale of 1 to 10?

- 11.3. - Going, gone?

Do you think it'll stick?

Time will tell.

Try the chocolate.

Tastes like stoner kids smell.

VOICEMAIL VOICE: Message received at 5:25 PM.

MARION: Love, it's Mom.

Look, I tried to call you at the office

and they said you'd left for the day.

I'm not sure if you've heard the news.

If you haven't, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you.

Brendan Atherton's dead.

I haven't thought about Brendan Atherton in 10 years.

I wish he was better in bed, so this moment

wasn't so awkward for you.

He was an ass clown.

He dies from an allergic reaction to kava.

You know what?

I never told you this.

But one time at uni, when he went past you in the car door,

he licked your hair.

Like no one else saw it.

He just changed his mind.

You walked past, and then he was just like saw an opportunity

and went, yep. It was-- I didn't tell you.

I thought it would freak you out.

That's sad.

Poor Brendan Atherton.

Poor me.

I had to sleep with him.

EJ: Twice.

Two times too many.

Let's drink to Brendan Atherton.

It's what he would've wanted.

I think he would have wanted us to get a pizza as well.

It's weird, isn't it, when someone dies

that you don't know very well.

You knew him.

Biblically.

What, but not spiritually?

Brendan Atherton and his tiny, tiny testicles.

EJ: That's right. He had a weird little ball bag.

Mm, they were like precious little flesh marbles.

That's going to be the name of my cover band.

Good choice.

Thank you!

We've been flesh marbles.

Do testicles keep growing after you die?

No, that's hair and nails.

Poor Brendan Atherton.

I wonder if his technique improved.

Poor Brendan Atherton.

If you want it.

When you're done.

Do you know one of my ex-boyfriends died on Tuesday?

Oh, he wasn't really a boyfriend.

We just slept together a couple of times at uni.

Wow, that's incredibly tragic.

I know, the poor guy.

He wasn't very good, if you know what I mean.

I think he might have learned about women's bodies

from that scene in "Revenge of the Nerds,"

where they drill the hole in the locker room.

I meant it's tragic that he died.

Very tragic, it was awful.

He drank so much kava he ODed.

If they opened him up, he'd be like a--

like a giant mud brick.

A giant, very drunk, bogan mud brick.

You could start building your bogan tree

changed dream house with him.

I happen to find the subject of death relatively unamusing.

What? I didn't know him that well.

Still, someone did.

Mm.

His family.

I'm not saying it's funny.

I'm just-- just saying that when you think

about it, drinking that much kava,

it's a relatively funny way to die.

Then you've got a relatively warped sense of humor,

if you find it funny.

I have an excellent sense of humor.

I just don't see how this is relevant.

It's entirely relevant.

Condensed milk strongly linked to comedy.

What does it mean by slapstick?

[LAUGHING] Oh, come on, everyone

knows what slapstick is.

It's the pie in the face, that kind of thing.

I don't find that very funny.

OK, there you go then.

You put down, "not funny" next to that option.

I like "Two and a Half Men" though.

ROO: Do you? - Yeah.

[laughter]

OK, well you can put back down then.

Huh, just the man I was coming to see.

I think you'll find that four out

of five condensed milk drinkers find gallows humor funny.

So if we apply the survey results to the conversation--

I take it that's your ex-partner.

ROO: Precious memories.

They've really danced around the whole human house brick thing,

haven't they?

You can see they're keen to take it further.

I'm really surprised at the way you're behaving with this.

What are you talking about?

DARREN: He was a person, too, a human being.

I know.

I think I might be using humor as a defense mechanism.

Don't touch me.

Oh, he had over 500 friends.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Don't do it.

You're only making things worse.

Yeah, but you haven't seen his little MySpace pictures.

They're really quite sweet.

And his religious views thing on Facebook says "Bundy's my God."

Presumably he means the drink and not the serial killer.

EJ [ON PHONE]: How did you get access to his Facebook profile?

I confirmed his pending friend request.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Dude, that is so repulsively morbid.

Oh my God.

EJ [ON PHONE]: What?

He's on Adult Match Maker.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Ew.

Oh my God--

he refers to himself as a cock jockey.

Who says that?

EJ [ON PHONE]: Are there pictures?

Yes.

Oh my God.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Quick, give me the URL.

OK, go to the Adult Match Maker page

and then click on Men.

Do locality, he's the third one down.

EJ [ON PHONE]: OK, hang on a sec.

You've got to see this picture.

He's got like--

I think it's a gerbil, but I can't see it.

It's hid. EJ [ON PHONE]: Hang on, hang on.

Oh, my God.

Nice ear candle.

See?

[computer whirring]

Shit.

EJ [ON PHONE]: What?

[sex sounds]

My computer spaced out.

Shit!

HELEN: Ladies and germs, just had a major meltdown over me.

I've seized too.

Please tell me someone saved the August

spreadsheets to shareware.

[WHISPERING] I've got to go.

HELEN: Derek, can we get our tea?

[office chatter]

Have they figured out what the problem is yet?

The new IT guy's looking at it now.

So it shouldn't be long.

Bit of a coincidence, isn't it, that the computers should

crash today, of all days?

Why's that?

You don't know what day it is?

Samuel L Jackson.

Tsss.

Looks like a bit of a mess.

Yeah, It should be back on-line

by the start of the day.

It's probably a bit difficult to suss out

the origins of these types of things, is it?

COMPUTER GUY: Oh, I don't know.

It's not that hard when you sit through it.

It's kind of like a process of elimination.

Hi.

Hi.

Really?

And then I think he said Samuel

L Jackson was involved with 9/11 or something along those lines.

I wasn't sure if he was being racist,

so I didn't say anything.

What do you mean?

About whether, you know, black people were responsible.

Oh, God no.

That's just because he thinks Samuel

L Jackson is an actual spy.

Oh.

But he's a bit racist.

Mm.

And he's single, if you're looking.

I'm not.

I mean, I'm not--

Oh, no, I was kidding.

[computer comes on]

OK.

That-- that's not what it looks like.

Look, it's your business.

No, we're doing some research.

We're holding some focus groups on--

auto-erotic asphyxiation and cross-dressing.

Look, if you and your boyfriend

want to swap saucy emails, that's your--

ROO: He's not my boyfriend, no, no, no.

We slept together a couple of times at uni.

Not like that.

He's just an ordinary guy.

He's not Annabel Chong.

Oh, I'm not saying he is.

Was.

Oh, moved through his experimental phase, has he?

ROO: Yes, into the afterlife.

Oh, yeah?

He passed on very recently.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I am-- I hope this didn't come as a shock to you

then, seeing him on the computer.

I think that's a third person there.

Are you sure?

Not really.

You can't go to the funeral.

ROO: Why Not

You didn't even know the guy.

We had sex, we shared fluids.

Oh, fluid sharers.

They get to sit up front. - Very funny.

EJ [ON PHONE]: Can you even gate crash a funeral, anyway?

It seems like it's spectacularly poor form.

I'm not gate crashing.

The family put the details in the paper.

They want people to to come.

EJ [ON PHONE]: If Brendan Atherton hadn't have died,

you'd still be referring to him as that dickhead from uni.

And if I'd given him more of a chance,

we might have fallen completely in love.

EJ [ON PHONE]: And he might have been

able to aim his paddy wee at your bosom instead of your eye.

Uncalled for.

I just think you're being overly

sentimental for no reason.

What good is going to come from you going?

I might get some closure.

Oh, my God.

I might.

I might even have a little cry.

I think I might be the kind of person who

has a little cry at funerals.

You've gone all strange.

ROO: It won't be weird if you come with me.

No way.

Please?

I can barely remember what Brendan Atherton looks like.

- Say yes. - No.

Fine!

I'll go by myself. - Good.

I'll be alone at a funeral.

Would you stop it.

All alone at a funeral.

Are you going to have a little cry now?

ROO: Alone!

Do you want me to call the wambulance?

[music playing]

TRISH: Ruth?

Roo, hello.

I'm Trish Atherton, Brendan's mother.

I know.

Oh, gosh, it's so nice to meet you, after all these years.

Yes, you too.

I recognized you from the photographs, of course.

Yes, the photographs--

TRISH: Brendan just adored you.

You made such an impact.

Yes, as did he on me.

TRISH: You know, he used to refer to you

as the one that got away.

He would have given anything to have

had another chance with you.

Doug?

Yeah.

This is Ruth.

Oh, hello.

Hello I'm--

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for yours.

Have you met Brendan's girlfriend, Imogen?

Hi.

Hello.

You know, you two could be sisters.

[organ playing]

[sobbing]

Tough day, isn't it?

Davey!

But I haven't seen you in ages, not since that--

well, at the party, when--

He always did throw pretty wild parties, didn't he.

So, how have you been?

What have you been up to?

You're working, you're living locally?

You still living with your brother, around here?

Sorry, do you mind if I just take a moment?

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, Ruth.

Oh, hello Mrs. Atherton.

TRISH: Are you all right for a lift to the wake?

I'll-- just get a bus.

We can give you a lift.

I don't want to be any trouble.

TRISH: No, we'd like to drive you.

And there's plenty of room in the car.

You know, I think Brendan would be

quietly chuffed by the thought of you

riding in the old family Merc.

Wouldn't he, Doug?

I think he'd be thrilled.

TRISH: There you go, then.

Shall we put the radio on for a bit?

It's-- a little music might be nice.

[music playing]

[music stops]

You've got balls showing up today.

Sorry?

How could you treat Brendan like that?

ROO: Like what?

Like shit.

I didn't treat Brendan like shit.

You took his virginity and got rid of him.

Really sensitive.

Look, I didn't--

I'm sorry you think that.

But I didn't mean to hurt him, really.

Excuse me.

[WHISPERING] Oh, thank goodness.

DAVEY: Just the kind of guy he'd go to In your time of need,

you know.

Really rock solid.

We hadn't had a lot of contact in recent years.

We were Facebook friends, though.

Oh.

I'm sorry, it's just--

today's really hard, you know.

It must be hard for you, too.

- Yes, it-- it is. - I'll bet.

It's really nice to see you, Davey.

You too.

ROO: I mean, I know the circumstances aren't great.

No kidding.

Listen, do you want to get a cab or something?

We could talk more.

That would be great.

OK.

Where to, mate?

DAVEY: Just to Bridge Street Station, thanks mate.

Where are you?

Yeah, let's just get to the station.

OK.

You look really good, by the way.

Not really.

My hair's a little fuzzy. - No!

No, no, no.

I think it looks nice. Little ted.

Oh!

Sorry, did I mistime?

I missed timing.

DAVEY: What was that?

Were you just pulling a move there?

Well, yeah, yes, frankly.

I thought you-- you touched my hair.

Isn't it why we're going back to your place?

DAVEY: No, I though you were dropping me off at the station,

and you were going on.

ROO: After the--

After the what?

After--

I thought you wanted to talk more about Brendan!

That would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it?

If we just had--

We were just at a funeral.

Isn't it bad enough that you ruined a friendship

between two best friends once?

Are we still going to the station?

Yes!

What are you-- what are you talking about?

After that thing that we had at Blair's party.

Brendan was devastated.

It took me months to regain his trust.

I had no idea that--

Now you want to go and rub salt in the wound,

today of all days.

The guy's not even in the ground yet,

and you're stomping all over his grave!

I'm not stomping.

DAVEY: If I had any idea how he felt about you,

back at uni, how much he loved you.

We slept together twice!

DAVEY: I never would have gone to bed with you.

I never would have done that to a friend.

Wait a second, I'm not responsible for Brendan

and his feelings.

I barely even knew the guy.

That's not how he saw it.

Well, I can't help how he saw it.

We slept together a couple of times.

We had a few hellos around campus, and that was it.

And to be honest, he was terrible in bed.

And he got all weird and stalky after we shagged.

And at this very moment, I wish we'd never met.

All right?

You are a real piece of work.

You know that?

What?

There's a word for people like you where I'm from.

Oh really?

Yeah, it's fucking slut.

Stop the cab!

That's two words.

Didn't you go to boys grammar?

Not the kind of language one would expect.

Look, I understand you're upset.

But you and your assumptions can just rack off!

Brendan Atherton, he sent me one Christmas card.

How was I supposed to know?

Just drive to the freeway, please.

[car braking]

[thud]

Jesus!

It was awful.

Terrible, he came out of nowhere.

I can imagine.

Did you manage to see where the other driver came from?

No, I didn't say anything until the guy

landed, slam, on my windscreen!

I mean, look at that.

A guy bleeds to death on my car.

I'm going to feel funny cleaning that off.

And ma'am.

I didn't see anything.

Sorry sir, I'm a bit upset.

Of course.

It's like hitting a monkey with a cricket bat.

The guy was being a bit of a prick,

but no one deserves that.

I'm not sure that helps.

Two of them, two.

I know, it's a bit full on.

It was right in front of me.

EJ: You poor thing.

And you took Brendan's virginity.

Isn't that outrageous.

Why didn't he say anything?

Maybe he was embarrassed.

Imagine being someone's first time and not knowing.

What would you have done differently if you had known?

I don't know, made some little cakes

or popped a PartyPopper at the end.

Been a bit more forgiving about his mistakes.

Your overt sentimentality over Brendan Atherton

is a real worry.

What? it is not.

EJ: If you're being this way about Leighton, I'd understand.

But Brendan Atherton was hardly a blip on the radar.

I loved Leighton.

Everyone loves Leighton.

We were go together, weren't we.

We worked.

He was the first big love.

EJ: I know.

I never told him that.

You told him you loved him.

Yes, but I never told him he was my first.

I wanted to be--

I don't know, sophisticated.

And then he broke my heart.

EJ: He might not even live at his brother's anymore.

I bet he does.

Are you sure you want to do this?

This is what people do after they've had a bit of a shock.

They call the people they loved and let

them know how precious life is.

I thought that was AA.

Sh.

An answering machine. - Hang up!

Voice on the machine.

Told you he still lives there.

EJ: Good, now we know.

Hang up!

Hello, Leighton!

It's Roo, here.

I haven't spoken to you in years.

And I've been going through some things, nothing serious.

Kind of serious, I guess.

But not a sexually transmitted disease or anything.

Oh, dear, this is going well, isn't it.

Ah, shit.

[phone hangs up]

EJ: Well that was awesome.

I should call back.

EJ: I would highly advise against.

Well, I can't just leave it like that.

I just said shit and hung up.

EJ: At least you didn't end on the sexually

transmitted disease bit.

Marian Keyes writes books about people like you.

Hi, me again.

Look, that was a bit of a strange message.

So I just thought I'd come back and say--

actually, I'm not even entirely sure what I wanted to say.

Um--

EJ: Hang up.

That was just EJ, telling me to hang up.

Sorry.

[phone hangs up]

I shouldn't have hung up like that.

You think? It's your go.

[phone dialing]

Please stop, please stop.

Just stop!

Hi, me again.

This is getting weird, I know.

But I just thought--

anyway, listen Leighton, I did want

to tell you that even though I never made it

clear when we were together--

Can you please stop calling here.

EJ: Was he there?

Did he pick up?

It was his brother.

Leighton's dead.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0