Original subtitles

[music]

Hello. Any checks come for me?

Nope. There's a bill for you.

You can keep that. [chuckles]

Ah! Whatcha got there?

Man, this is my old college alumni newsletter.

[Vinny] Uh-huh.

I can't believe I went to school with some of these knuckleheads.

They'd probably say the same thing about you.

One dude about to get married for the fourth time.

And he put a shoutout to his ex-wives

and his baby mamas.

Then he had the nerve to attach a photo

entitled "Back in the Day."

Man, some people just stupid down to the white meat.

How you on your fourth wife, huh?

I'm still trying to figure out the first one.

-I know that's right! -[both laugh]

What's so funny?

[Vinny] Nothin', nothin' at all.

Oh-hoo-hoo!

Is that the latest alumni newsletter?

-Mm-hmm. [chuckles] -Wow!

Or should I say the National Alumni Enquirer ,

with all this gossip?

I cannot believe the school

has not stopped them from putting out this trash.

Yeah, well, look, your boy made the spotlight throwback.

-My baby! -[laughs]

[Leah] You look the same.

Look at that!

Oh my gosh, you look the same.

I know, right?

Man, picture of me and my old roommate spinnin'.

We had the parachute pants

and the matching Gumby haircuts.

Yet somehow you say that with so much pride.

[Vinny] He really does. [chuckling]

Yo, Smitty, that was my boy.

We was thick as thieves.

Ooh, remember that old Chrysler he had?

Y'all probably pushed it more than you actually drove.

Yeah, yeah, that was the good old days.

Well, you know what? That's about all time I have

for this pitiful-ass walk down memory lane.

I've got to get ready for my date with Lola,

and Lola can go lolo, if you know what I mean,

because she's nasty. [chuckles]

Ahh--ooh!

Oh, oh, you okay, Grandpa? What's goin' on?

What's goin' on? Describe how you feelin'.

-What you feelin'? -It's my hip.

-Okay, okay. -It is sore.

I mean, is it a shooting pain? Or what you feelin'?

Just like throbbing up the--oh, oh.

Oh, man.

What happened? What did you do?

Well, three nights ago, I'm at the club, right?

And I'm dancin' with this big booty woman, right?

And, uh, big booty woman did a dip, and I--

-I guess I hurt my hip. -Hmm.

Maybe you shouldn't be bumping no more with no big booty woman.

And you shouldn't be at some nightclub, Grandpa.

Yeah, ain't you, like, 90? Your clubbing days are over.

Oh, you know what you should try?

That ballroom wheelchair dancing, yeah.

A lot less pressure on the hips.

You know, you gonna be this age one day.

I hope your great grandkids clown you

just like you clown me. Now, here's what you do.

Hold my coffee and help me to my damn room.

[grunting]

I got it.

Ooh, ooh, the burn, it burns.

[grunting, groaning]

I'ma bring you a heat pad, Grandpa, okay?

And somethin' to rub up that hip.

What's wrong, baby? You worried about Grandpa Vinny?

What? Please. He gonna outlive all of us.

I'm thinkin' about Smitty. You know, that was my brother.

I can't believe I haven't talked to him in all these years.

Mm-hmm. So what you gonna do about it?

I don't know. Maybe I should look him up.

See if I can get the bros back together.

[laughing] Oh my gosh!

Trouble in the city, okay?

-And this dude? -Yes.

-Mm-hmm. -Oh my gosh.

Look at that. [indistinct]

? No matter what you do, I love you ?

? No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ?

? Always remember, blood ain't never water ?

? We'll make it if we stay together ?

[music]

Phillip, dear, have you seen my--

Oh, there they are, never mind.

Ah, I've been looking all over for those.

You were looking for my glasses?

No, I've been looking for my glasses.

Keep looking, dear. These are mine.

Ahhh, see those scratches in them?

I etched my name in them with a magnifying glass

and a sewing needle

just to prevent this sort of thing.

The only letters I see spell out "Made in China."

Oh, Reginald, dear, you can borrow my glasses

as soon as I find out if Shaniqua

takes back that low-down cheating Kwame.

I couldn't care less about Shaniqua and Kwame.

I need my glasses to do my crossword puzzle.

It's good for my brain.

Oh, Miss Anastasia, I think I see your glasses right here.

Oh, silly me!

Such a foolish woman.

Reginald, darling, please forgive my silly mistake.

Forgiven and forgotten.

Don't give it another thought, my peach.

Yeah, Miss Anastasia, don't beat yourself up too much.

You probably just need your afternoon nap.

Let me see these. Whoa!

Mr. Reginald, what prescription is this?

If you ever get stuck in the woods,

you could probably use these to harness the rays of the stars,

the moon, and the sun.

If I didn't know any better, Phillip...

I think you just called me old!

I am not old!

Old is what you discard from your closet

or toss out of your fridge.

I am well seasoned!

What are you trying to say about my glasses?

That I'm blind as a bat? That I need--

could use a seeing-eye dog?

What is going on here with all this shouting?

What the hell is going on?

I can hear Reggie's butt cheeks clenching

way up from the back of the room, man!

I just made a joke and they got upset.

Look, on the bright side,

you guys can use this extra energy

to get those sluggish cardiovascular systems pumping.

I never!

Phillip,

in my country, elders are treated with

great respect and reverence.

They're not to be mocked and made fun of.

What? I wasn't being disrespectful.

I was just...making a joke.

You okay, Efe?

I'm fine.

No, no, I'm not fine. I'm not fine.

It's just my, my bladder is working overtime

since I started taking those--

Oh, those prostate supplements.

to promote prostate health.

[grunts]

Looks like he doin' a dance!

Go, Efe! Go, Efe!

Hey, hey!

Know that what you do will come back to you

one way or another.

Oh, oh!

Yeah, yeah, you know what?

I don't know what you laughin' about.

He's talkin' about all that what goes around, comes around stuff

about you!

Respect for your elders!

Old people.

Forget this.

[yawns]

[music]

[snores]

[coughs]

[groans]

[music]

Whatever you lookin' for, I don't have it

and I don't know where it is.

I'm trying to find Smitty's phone number.

Well, did you look in your phone book?

-I got a phone book? -Yes, look.

Oh, I transferred all your, um, old numbers,

all them little raggedy pieces of paper

with scribbled-on names and numbers in it years ago.

-What-- -Really?

Huh?

Wow!

You know what?

You really are an amazing first wife.

First wife...

All right, I found it. Give him a call.

Ah, disconnected.

You might have to track him down.

Uh, call some mutual friends.

Email those ratchet alumni newsletter people.

You put his mother number in here too.

I'll call.

Ms. Reid.

Voicemail. It's her.

Hey, Ms. Reid. This is Jeremy Washington.

I'm a old college friend of Smitty's,

and I was just trying to get in touch with him.

Can you please give me a call back

at your earliest convenience on this number?

Thank you.

Oh, Ms. Reid and your mama remind me

so much of each other.

Nobody was ever good enough for they son.

You can't talk.

You're the same way with Phillip.

Whatever.

Remember that time that Smitty told his girl

-that he was with me? -Oh!

And then she got my number and called me that night?

Oh!

I was dead asleep. I was knocked out.

He was cold busted.

I thought she was gonna beat him down and you too, shoot.

[laughs]

Man, I just keep thinking about all the fun we had in college.

Like, all these memories are just flooding my mind

out of nowhere. It's crazy.

Like the early memories of our love,

when all we cared about were our classes and each other.

I was talkin' about the memories

of us throwing them legendary parties.

You remember that time Heavy D came?

[Both] Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, yay!

[phone ringing]

[laughs]

Oh, it's her!

Hello?

Hey, Ms. Reid! Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's so good to hear your voice too.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was just calling to see about

getting in touch with, uh, Smitty and...

What?

Oh, no. No!

How? When did this happen?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Yeah, yeah. I will.

You too. All right, bye.

Baby, what's wrong?

Smitty died three weeks ago.

What?

Oh, Jeremy.

Oh, no.

Oh my God.

[laughs]

Rise and shine, old dude!

Who said that?

All my soaps! My soaps!

I guess my afternoon nap must've took a little longer

than...than I really... I planned for.

Yeah, look like you due for a nap.

An even longer nap. An eternal nap.

But don't worry about it.

I got something here for your aches and pains.

Where's it at?

Here, here you go. Maybe these will help.

Who said that?

I found them in the refrigerator again.

Ah!

Oh, thank you, young man!

Okay. Okay.

Agh!

Long day.

[groans] Alrighty, now.

Oh, okay.

I'm comin'!

[grunts]

Come on, baby, come on.

Oh, we're goin' back that way?

Why'd you let me go that far, then?

Let me-- [coughs]

Come on, come on, come on. Right here.

Okay, alrighty.

Here you are, mushy like you like it,

since you can never seem to find your dentures

Where they at?

Alrighty.

Ooh, papa, ooh, papa, I got the special item you need--

[Phillip] What?

[louder] I got the special item you need

from the health food store!

Okay! Tell 'em I said thank you!

And here, take this prostate supplement every day

so you can be a big hit with the ladies like me.

[laughs]

-[groans] -Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-My hip! My back! -Sorry, sorry.

Help me up! Help me! Help! I'm goin' down.

Help me!

The ladies, man. The ladies, man.

The ladies love me, man.

Oh, come on!

Ah!

Okay. Ah!

Ah!

Where are my teeth?

Uh!

Oh.

[music]

[muttering]

Baby, baby, wake up. You dreamin'.

Huh?

Okay, what?

What are you doin', boy?

-Oh God! Oh God! -Oh my God!

-Oh, Phillip! -I had a nightmare!

Baby, what happened?

-I was old! -Like old old?

Like old old!

-Like Grandpa? -[moans]

Oh, baby, wait, wait, wait, okay.

Look at me, look at me.

Did you eat something strange last night?

Something on your mind?

Like, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on.

Why are you feelin' on your teeth?

I had no--I had no teeth! [sobs]

Oh, baby!

And my back, I couldn't stand up straight!

-I was hunched over! -Oh...

And I was screaming like "Aaaaggh!"

Like, "Aaagghh!"

Oh, that was a nightmare.

Oh, well, you look good, okay? All right.

What was it? Tell me.

-I gotta do better. -You got to do...

Oh God!

[music]

Here here, the bucket list strategy meeting

is now in session.

Yes, and I believe the first order of business

is to change the bucket list.

Have you people read this bucket list?

Who's in favor of changing the bucket list?

To be fair, Smitty and I were teenagers

when we came up with this stuff.

Look here, Efe,

before you hate on the bucket list and vote against it,

how about we go over it to see if there's something you like?

-Okay, fair enough! -You haven't even looked at it.

"Number one, finish a Gut Buster Burger

at Murder by Burger Bar & Grill." No thanks.

I don't even think that place is open anymore.

"Number two, spend the night in a cemetery."

Count me out.

I wouldn't want anybody to get confused

and decide to leave there.

Besides that, it's scary.

-For those reasons, I'm out. -Uh-huh, me too.

Me three. Number three--check this out--

how about you do a stand-up comedy routine

at a comedy club at amateur night?

[cheering, agreeing]

Yeah, Miss Anastasia actually lookin' for

a local venue for me to perform at now.

[Vinny] That's good, yeah! See? All right.

All right, so it's unanimous.

It seem like everybody thinks that the stand-up comedy thing

would be a good first thing to check off my list.

All in favor?

[All] Aye!

All right, this meeting is now adjourned!

Not so fast.

I called practically every club in Georgia.

Everything is already booked for this week.

Everything? Hold up, now.

You mean to tell me you can't use your charm

and Hollywood connection

to get this man a spot?

As a matter of fact, I have the manager

of the Rooster in the Henhouse in Tennessee

reserving a spot for Jeremy as we speak.

Ain't nobody drivin' to no damn Tennessee, woman!

I'm sorry, Jeremy. It's so last minute.

Everything is booked solid.

But I could get you in somewhere in a couple of weeks.

Mr. Brown and Cora will be back from the church conference

and can attend too.

No, no, no, the time is now, Miss Anastasia.

I gotta do it now. If I wait too long,

then I might lose my nerve.

I have an idea.

[Vinny] Ooh, let's hear that. What you got, huh? What you got?

[music]

[cheers and applause]

Good evening, everybody,

and thank you for coming out of your rooms

to One Night Only: The Comedy of Jeremy Washington.

[cheers and applause]

Now, before I introduce the headliner,

have you guys heard of the teenager

who just kept collecting magazines?

Yeah, that guy has some issues.

[laughter]

I mean, speaking of issues,

what do the moon and a teenager have in common?

They're always going through a phase!

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

Your jokes are hilarious, but

how come you always talkin' about teenagers?

I mean, not too long ago, I was dissing senior citizens.

And I feel bad.

So, I wanted to apologize for anybody I hurt

and whoever felt disrespected.

Phillip, dear, you're a gem of a young man.

And a few old folks jokes here and there are harmless and fun.

But more fun for me when you're joking about all of them!

We're lucky we have you and your family and each other.

Some seniors aren't so lucky. They don't have anyone.

Yes, you know, our elders are the keepers of our history,

of our culture.

They are our, our, our teachers, providers, healers,

and the bridge to the past.

Some of them are left, uh...neglected,

and left to live and even die alone.

Elder abuse is real and affects millions every year.

Some seniors are deprived of their, their dignity,

their safety, their money, and even their lives.

Yeah, not to mention chronic illness,

anxiety, depression, and pain.

It dwindles away at their quality of life.

Not to mention the dwindling away of my sex life.

Definitely affected my quality of life.

-[Philip] Grandpa. -You know what?

I think doctors should write a prescription for sex.

That way everybody would be happy!

Ninety-day prescription.

All right, all right,

thank you for that, Grandpa Vinny.

Now please put your hands together

for a man who needs no introduction--

[clapping] Okay, hold on, great, not yet.

I'm going to bring to the stage a man

who needs no introduction.

Literally you all know him because you live with him.

Okay, he's a man of many names, but I call him Dad.

So please stand up and put your hands together for

the man, the legend,

the man who fixes everything around here,

Jeremy Washington!

[cheers and applause]

[Leah] My man, my man, my man!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give it up for my boy, man. That's my son right there.

Yeah, that boy won't grow, will he?

Senior in high school,

still can't get on the roller coaster.

[laughs] Yeah, yeah.

When I made him, that sperm ain't had no tail.

[laughter]

My name's Jeremy Washington, y'all.

And, uh, I run an assisted living facility.

And I'd like to tell you all about the people in it.

Of course, we got my grandfather.

Oh, man, he old.

He so old, we just made his bed the shape of a casket.

[laughs]

He gonna die next year! Yeah!

Not funny.

We're gonna drop the whole bed right in the ground.

[laughs]

Not funny at all.

We got this old dude named Reginald.

Reginald--Reginald was the first light-skinned negro ever!

Wait, wait a minute, hold on.

He graduated with Martin Luther King.

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah.

Then, then we got this guy from Africa--

so he says.

Been here 40 years. Still got the accent.

[laughter and applause]

That's not funny. That is not funny.

-[Vinny] You have an accent. -[Efe] That's not funny.

Then let me tell you about this old freak named Anastasia.

[cheering and applause]

Look, she faster than Sonic the Hedgehog.

[laughter]

Speaking of fast, my wife--

[exclaiming and applause]

Okay! That's it! Hey, show's over, no, hey.

Okay, sit down. I don't mess with you. Okay.

Thank y'all, man.

Thank y'all for making my dream come true, man.

This is my first time on stage--and the last.

Bucket list crossed off.

I'm Jeremy Washington. Thank y'all. Man, I love you.

[cheers and applause]

[music]

Baby, that was so good!

Mm! That was awesome!

[music]

[music]

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