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1
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:04,803
[ key clacking ]
2
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,738
[ grunting ]
3
00:00:06,873 --> 00:00:07,739
Little help?
4
00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:09,407
No can do!
5
00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:11,543
The cia christmas party invite
is coming any moment!
6
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:13,478
Clicking "refresh"
over and over
7
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:14,947
Won't make it come
any faster.
8
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,481
[ ding ]
what was that, hayley?
9
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:18,883
I couldn't hear you
over my inbox dinging.
10
00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:21,420
"the party will be held
at scamper's east."
11
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,687
Yes, baby!
12
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,357
Ugh, that dumpy pub
in chimdale?
13
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:27,426
Are you kidding?
Scamper's is amazing!
14
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,829
Classy, too.
The golf course there? Mwah!
15
00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:33,231
Miniature.
Two holes.
16
00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:35,968
And one of 'em,
half the astroturf is blue.
17
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:38,436
Blue and green,
'zooka sharks colors!
18
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:39,704
Parker: 'zooka sharks!
19
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,373
Does that guy
live around here?
20
00:00:41,508 --> 00:00:44,309
Well, I'm sure you and mom
will have a great time.
21
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,978
We'll all
have a great time.
22
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,514
I was able to secure invites for
the entire family, even klaus.
23
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,916
[ both sigh ]
let's goooo!
24
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,653
So do we, like,
have to go?
25
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,920
Big time.
26
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,523
You must understand
I had a monster year at work.
27
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,325
Special missions?
I crushed 'em.
28
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:01,926
Boring meetings?
I plussed 'em.
29
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,597
And I went undefeated
in our fantasy football league.
30
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,333
The christmas party is
my personal victory lap,
31
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,735
And I want my family there
to enjoy me.
32
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,070
That's wonderful.
33
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:15,540
Now you can close your computer
and decorate the tree with us.
34
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:18,010
Better idea.
Let's prepare for my work party.
35
00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:20,812
I'll make flashcards
of my accomplishments this year.
36
00:01:20,947 --> 00:01:21,813
There were a lot!
37
00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:23,081
I bet!
38
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,416
We should also
talk outfits.
39
00:01:24,551 --> 00:01:26,284
I recommend something
festive yet quirky.
40
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,952
Oh, god, hayley.
41
00:01:27,954 --> 00:01:29,688
You're not thinking
of wearing that to the party?
42
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,357
You mean the party I just
literally heard about
43
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:33,491
30 seconds ago?
44
00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,594
No.
Together: Phew!
45
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:40,632
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
46
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,569
? I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
47
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:47,772
? the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ?
48
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:52,244
? and he's shinin' a salute
to the american race ?
49
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:57,315
? oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
50
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,918
? good -- ?
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
51
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,086
Aah!
52
00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:05,523
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
53
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:08,861
Stan: Look at that marquee!
This is already great.
54
00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:10,128
Get in here, everyone.
55
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,730
When we get inside,
56
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:14,066
Klaus and I will fill
mashed potato cups for everyone.
57
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:16,801
Francine, the open bar
lasts 45 minutes,
58
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,603
So order me
two moscow mules.
59
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,805
Hayley, head straight
to big buck hunter.
60
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,141
Don't let anyone touch
the plastic shotgun
61
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,209
Until I break
the high score.
62
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:25,544
What about me and steve?
63
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,612
Great question,
jeffrey.
64
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,748
Play mini- golf and listen for
what people are saying about me.
65
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,084
Report back with the buzz
on the links!
66
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,819
Hot dog buns looking
good this year, tommy!
67
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,288
Who's tommy?
68
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:39,023
He's executive chef/bouncer
here at scamper's.
69
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:40,358
Kind of a dual threat.
70
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,826
I actually don't think
that's tommy.
71
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:44,028
Interesting.
72
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,564
I've never seen
whatever this is
73
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,166
Served in a souvenir
batting helmet before.
74
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,102
Whoa, I just remembered
something.
75
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:52,437
Last year,
at this very party,
76
00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:55,440
I carved my name into one
of the toilet seats.
77
00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:58,176
Dang! You think
it's still there?
78
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,845
Fischer
takes his time.
79
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:04,683
He looks pretty high
and he is.
80
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:11,356
Stop looking back.
It wasn't us.
81
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:14,859
I see it!
82
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,661
"stan smit"?
83
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,931
Some dude started knocking.
I'm gonna finish it now.
84
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:21,666
[ door opens ]
jackson: Scamper's east blows.
85
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,401
We should leave
for bullock's party.
86
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:24,469
"bullock's party"?
87
00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:25,537
[ urinating ]
amen.
88
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,005
This place
is for riffraff.
89
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:28,140
I heard bullock's party
90
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,475
Has a 10-foot
shrimp scampi tower!
91
00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:32,010
Bullock's throwing
a secret party
92
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:34,679
The same night
as the cia christmas party?
93
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,349
Styles says he's already
at bullock's house.
94
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,083
Holy cow!
He's playing cornhole
95
00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:41,353
With ghostface killah
and the golden bachelor!
96
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:44,022
No freaking way!
Did they come together?!
97
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,223
Let's go find out!
98
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,892
We can finish peeing
at bullock's!
99
00:03:55,705 --> 00:03:57,505
Sorry I drank
both your mules,
100
00:03:57,507 --> 00:03:59,707
But these drinks
are basically water.
101
00:03:59,709 --> 00:04:02,444
Yeah, I said it!
Do something.
102
00:04:02,578 --> 00:04:05,647
Stan heard some devastating news
in the bathroom.
103
00:04:05,781 --> 00:04:08,582
Thank god the town
got rid of that suicide hotline.
104
00:04:08,718 --> 00:04:10,652
Otherwise,
he'd be on it all night.
105
00:04:10,787 --> 00:04:12,586
A blue moon
for my boy stan.
106
00:04:12,722 --> 00:04:14,255
Open bar
just ended.
107
00:04:15,191 --> 00:04:16,590
That's fine.
How much is it?
108
00:04:16,592 --> 00:04:18,392
12 bucks.
Forget it.
109
00:04:18,528 --> 00:04:19,927
I think
I just got tetanus.
110
00:04:20,063 --> 00:04:22,730
A lot of exposed nails
coming through the floor.
111
00:04:22,732 --> 00:04:24,265
What's wrong
with dad?
112
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,000
Turns out there's
a better party at bullock's,
113
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:29,737
But stan only got invited
to the riffraff party.
114
00:04:29,739 --> 00:04:32,740
[ rapping ] ? yo, listen up,
here's a story ?
115
00:04:32,742 --> 00:04:37,078
? about a little guy
that lives in a blue world ?
116
00:04:37,213 --> 00:04:39,080
? and all day and all night ?
117
00:04:39,215 --> 00:04:42,149
? and everything he sees
is just blue ?
118
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:43,284
? like him ?
119
00:04:43,419 --> 00:04:45,619
? inside and outside ?
120
00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:47,355
I say
we crash bullock's!
121
00:04:47,490 --> 00:04:49,623
Let's go home, stan.
Home?
122
00:04:49,759 --> 00:04:53,027
Dick: ? da ba dee da ba die,
da ba dee da ba die ?
123
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,428
? da ba dee da ba -- ?
124
00:04:54,430 --> 00:04:55,697
I agree, steve.
125
00:04:55,831 --> 00:04:58,566
I thought that bus boy
was very handsy.
126
00:04:58,568 --> 00:04:59,767
Now that that's over,
127
00:04:59,903 --> 00:05:03,037
We can finally
decorate the tree.
128
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,939
Stan,
where are you going?
129
00:05:11,447 --> 00:05:13,514
I'm going to bullock's
[bleep] party.
130
00:05:13,649 --> 00:05:14,848
I knew you'd come!
131
00:05:14,850 --> 00:05:17,385
Got this hog
all ready for you!
132
00:05:19,989 --> 00:05:21,589
Out of juice already?!
133
00:05:21,725 --> 00:05:24,592
Don't worry, there's actually
another scooter nearby,
134
00:05:24,594 --> 00:05:25,993
But it's
in tuttle's garage.
135
00:05:26,129 --> 00:05:27,395
Also he owns it.
136
00:05:27,530 --> 00:05:29,330
So we'd be stealing
tuttle's scooter?
137
00:05:29,465 --> 00:05:30,598
Essentially.
138
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,466
Or we could just
take your car.
139
00:05:32,468 --> 00:05:34,068
Hmm.
Hmm.
140
00:05:34,070 --> 00:05:37,538
Tuttle: And that's the night
my scooter got stolen!
141
00:05:37,673 --> 00:05:40,675
[ up-tempo holiday music plays ]
142
00:05:44,547 --> 00:05:46,614
Klaus:
Bullock runs a tight ship.
143
00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:48,550
I never
get invited anywhere,
144
00:05:48,684 --> 00:05:51,685
Which makes me an expert
at sneaking into events
145
00:05:51,687 --> 00:05:53,221
Where I'm not wanted.
146
00:05:53,356 --> 00:05:54,956
I once snuck
my pomona boys
147
00:05:55,091 --> 00:05:57,691
Into adam driver's
golden globes party.
148
00:05:57,693 --> 00:05:59,360
Okay.
To be fair,
149
00:05:59,495 --> 00:06:01,695
This was years before
adam driver got famous.
150
00:06:01,697 --> 00:06:03,598
Damn it, klaus,
what's our plan?!
151
00:06:05,368 --> 00:06:06,768
I'm tom hanks.
152
00:06:07,971 --> 00:06:09,771
I'm colin hanks.
153
00:06:09,906 --> 00:06:11,305
I'm hank azaria?
154
00:06:11,307 --> 00:06:13,841
For christ's sake, smith!
What is your problem?!
155
00:06:13,843 --> 00:06:16,778
My problem is you didn't invite
me to your christmas party!
156
00:06:16,913 --> 00:06:19,847
Why not?
Okay, I'll level with you.
157
00:06:19,983 --> 00:06:23,050
The fire marshall
is a real hardass.
158
00:06:23,052 --> 00:06:26,854
He gave me a firm cap
of 500 guests.
159
00:06:26,856 --> 00:06:27,789
500?
160
00:06:27,923 --> 00:06:29,857
It's ludicrous,
I know.
161
00:06:29,993 --> 00:06:33,261
But maybe you'll make
the cut next year.
162
00:06:33,396 --> 00:06:35,196
Hank azaria!
163
00:06:35,331 --> 00:06:37,865
Mister 500!
164
00:06:37,867 --> 00:06:40,734
Where are you?!
I'm literally outside!
165
00:06:40,870 --> 00:06:43,337
I think
I have a way in.
166
00:06:43,339 --> 00:06:46,207
Me shut up?
No, you shut up!
167
00:06:46,342 --> 00:06:47,609
Ahem.
Hold on.
168
00:06:47,743 --> 00:06:49,811
Some guy with a chin
is saying something.
169
00:06:49,946 --> 00:06:52,079
What?
I overheard your conversation,
170
00:06:52,215 --> 00:06:54,548
And it sounds like
you need a date.
171
00:06:54,550 --> 00:06:56,484
I happen to be in need
of a wristband.
172
00:06:56,619 --> 00:06:58,820
Perhaps I could be
your plus-one for the night.
173
00:06:58,954 --> 00:07:01,155
Fine,
you seem normal enough.
174
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:02,490
You can be my date...
175
00:07:02,492 --> 00:07:04,626
Because my husband's
an asshole!
176
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:06,127
[ cellphone beeps ]
177
00:07:08,431 --> 00:07:10,698
Sir,
for the last time --
178
00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:11,499
Ka-pow
179
00:07:11,634 --> 00:07:12,834
Oops.
180
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:13,701
Ka-blam!
181
00:07:13,703 --> 00:07:15,303
Flawless reveal, sir.
182
00:07:15,438 --> 00:07:17,071
Enjoy the party.
183
00:07:18,975 --> 00:07:20,174
I'm tom hanks.
184
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:22,043
Welcome, mr. Hanks.
185
00:07:24,563 --> 00:07:28,031
??
186
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:29,533
[ camera shutter clicks ]
187
00:07:31,770 --> 00:07:33,604
[ people cheer ]
188
00:07:38,310 --> 00:07:40,511
It's a winter wonderland.
189
00:07:40,645 --> 00:07:42,245
The shrimp scampi
tower!
190
00:07:42,247 --> 00:07:46,517
I can smell the garlicky butter
cascading from here!
191
00:07:46,651 --> 00:07:48,185
It's beautiful.
192
00:07:49,121 --> 00:07:51,522
Don't skimp
on the scamp!
193
00:07:51,656 --> 00:07:53,790
Hey, stan,
meet my new friend,
194
00:07:53,792 --> 00:07:56,459
All-pro wide receiver
stefon diggs.
195
00:07:56,595 --> 00:07:58,929
Jackson told me all about
your fantasy football team.
196
00:07:59,064 --> 00:08:01,398
Then I was like,
"wait, I was on that team?"
197
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,400
Office champions!
198
00:08:03,402 --> 00:08:05,002
We did it, bro!
199
00:08:05,137 --> 00:08:07,738
I have a spare football
in the car.
200
00:08:07,873 --> 00:08:10,040
Feel like tossing me
a few long bombs?
201
00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:12,008
Nuh-uh.
202
00:08:12,010 --> 00:08:14,011
You want to keep
that wristband?
203
00:08:14,146 --> 00:08:17,214
You better not leave
my side all night.
204
00:08:17,216 --> 00:08:18,215
But stefon diggs.
205
00:08:18,350 --> 00:08:20,017
But stefon nothin'.
206
00:08:20,152 --> 00:08:23,687
Order me three shots of tito's
while I stretch out my hammies.
207
00:08:23,822 --> 00:08:27,824
We're about to set
the dance floor on fire.
208
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,826
Maybe we should leave.
209
00:08:29,828 --> 00:08:31,628
What are you talking about?
We just got here.
210
00:08:31,764 --> 00:08:33,230
There's something
about your date
211
00:08:33,232 --> 00:08:35,031
That gives me
a bad feeling.
212
00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:38,702
We should try to find
some coke asap.
213
00:08:40,505 --> 00:08:41,772
We're not going home.
214
00:08:41,907 --> 00:08:43,774
I'm sure everyone is
sound asleep by now anyway.
215
00:08:43,909 --> 00:08:46,176
Dang it!
Dad knows I can't sleep
216
00:08:46,311 --> 00:08:48,711
Unless I know everyone's safe
in their beds!
217
00:08:48,713 --> 00:08:51,048
[ door opens ]
you guys left scamper's?!
218
00:08:51,183 --> 00:08:52,849
I was holding down
big buck hunter,
219
00:08:52,985 --> 00:08:55,586
As instructed,
and all the lights shut off!
220
00:08:55,721 --> 00:08:58,721
What?! We didn't break
the golf course!
221
00:08:58,723 --> 00:08:59,790
[ microphone feedback ]
222
00:08:59,925 --> 00:09:02,459
I love you all so much!
223
00:09:02,461 --> 00:09:05,462
Now who is ready to rock?!
224
00:09:05,598 --> 00:09:07,464
[ cheers and applause ]
225
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,068
Good, because this band
can really rip!
226
00:09:11,203 --> 00:09:13,804
Ladies and gents,
I give you
227
00:09:13,939 --> 00:09:16,940
Kris kringle
and the naughty boys!
228
00:09:17,075 --> 00:09:18,742
[ cheers and applause ]
klaus and stan: Santa?!
229
00:09:18,877 --> 00:09:20,210
He's in a band?!
230
00:09:20,345 --> 00:09:22,813
I trapped santa
in the freaking jingleverse!
231
00:09:22,948 --> 00:09:24,747
Guess he got out.
You think?
232
00:09:24,749 --> 00:09:27,284
Check, check.
Yah!
233
00:09:27,419 --> 00:09:29,686
He's got those weird
jeff bezos muscles!
234
00:09:29,822 --> 00:09:31,088
He'll kill us, stan!
235
00:09:31,223 --> 00:09:32,489
Ho-ho-ho.
236
00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:34,958
This first one's
off our new ep.
237
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:39,362
It's called
"nasty christmas."
238
00:09:39,498 --> 00:09:41,031
? I left your
christmas present ?
239
00:09:41,166 --> 00:09:42,899
? underneath the [bleep] tree ?
240
00:09:43,035 --> 00:09:44,501
? a gift card to sephora ?
241
00:09:44,503 --> 00:09:46,703
? because your face
looks dead to me ?
242
00:09:46,839 --> 00:09:49,906
Damn, this goes
kinda hard.
243
00:09:50,042 --> 00:09:52,109
I need to use
the bathroom. No, you don't.
244
00:09:52,244 --> 00:09:54,845
You don't understand!
Santa and I have a history.
245
00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:57,714
Ugh. Join the club.
I'm his wife.
246
00:09:57,716 --> 00:09:58,515
His what now?
247
00:09:58,651 --> 00:10:00,450
His wife.
248
00:10:00,585 --> 00:10:02,119
Clarissa claus?
249
00:10:02,254 --> 00:10:04,054
I married
that son of a bitch!
250
00:10:04,189 --> 00:10:07,791
Oh, my god,
you're mrs. Claus?!
251
00:10:07,926 --> 00:10:12,595
We're gonna make santa
real jealous tonight.
252
00:10:12,597 --> 00:10:13,731
[ glass shatters ]
253
00:10:15,734 --> 00:10:17,868
Stan! We need to get
some shrimp scampi
254
00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:19,837
And get the [bleep]
out of here!
255
00:10:20,272 --> 00:10:21,405
[ grunts ]
256
00:10:23,342 --> 00:10:25,742
Smiiiiiith!
257
00:10:25,744 --> 00:10:28,278
Keep playing, santa!
258
00:10:28,413 --> 00:10:31,214
My face is only
partially melted!
259
00:10:31,216 --> 00:10:34,817
You promised me
you wouldn't invite stan smith!
260
00:10:34,819 --> 00:10:38,621
I assure you,
smith is not here!
261
00:10:38,623 --> 00:10:42,292
Yeah, he is!
He's my date!
262
00:10:42,427 --> 00:10:43,293
[ crowd gasps ]
263
00:10:43,428 --> 00:10:44,827
Wow. This is --
264
00:10:44,829 --> 00:10:46,363
Don't you dare
say "awkward."
265
00:10:46,365 --> 00:10:49,032
Awkwaaaaard!
266
00:10:49,034 --> 00:10:51,634
Why are you doing this,
clarissa?!
267
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:53,303
And with him
of all people!
268
00:10:53,438 --> 00:10:55,438
Remember when I called you
from the gate
269
00:10:55,574 --> 00:10:57,974
Because I didn't want
to walk in alone?
270
00:10:57,976 --> 00:11:00,443
I told you
we had sound check!
271
00:11:00,579 --> 00:11:02,845
You could have left
for five minutes.
272
00:11:02,847 --> 00:11:05,515
The levels on nate's
stratocaster were all --
273
00:11:05,650 --> 00:11:06,983
So typical,
274
00:11:06,985 --> 00:11:09,986
Putting your stupid bandmates
before me.
275
00:11:10,122 --> 00:11:14,057
Stupid?! Nate's
an anthropology major at umass!
276
00:11:14,059 --> 00:11:15,859
I am so over this.
277
00:11:15,994 --> 00:11:18,195
Why can't you
be happy for me?!
278
00:11:18,330 --> 00:11:22,399
I finally found something that
gives me creative fulfillment!
279
00:11:22,401 --> 00:11:26,236
Because you turned into
jolly old saint dick!
280
00:11:27,806 --> 00:11:29,606
Well,
I should also be --
281
00:11:29,742 --> 00:11:31,674
You did this, smith!
282
00:11:31,676 --> 00:11:34,010
You're gonna die tonight!
283
00:11:34,146 --> 00:11:35,312
Aah!
284
00:11:36,615 --> 00:11:40,050
[ santa shouting ]
285
00:11:43,956 --> 00:11:45,422
Smith!
286
00:11:47,359 --> 00:11:49,159
Get in!
287
00:11:49,294 --> 00:11:51,894
I'm keeping
the north pole!
288
00:11:51,896 --> 00:11:57,700
Good luck fitting 1,500 elves
into a studio apartment!
289
00:11:57,836 --> 00:11:59,902
I'm the one
who drafted his team.
290
00:11:59,904 --> 00:12:02,839
He wanted obj
in the second round.
291
00:12:02,975 --> 00:12:04,574
I mean,
what year is this?
292
00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,577
[ door rattles ]
stan?
293
00:12:06,711 --> 00:12:09,712
Nope.
He ran off with my wife.
294
00:12:09,714 --> 00:12:11,047
She took the reindeer,
295
00:12:11,183 --> 00:12:14,117
So I need to crash here
for a while.
296
00:12:14,119 --> 00:12:15,919
Ohhhhh,
I'm exhausted.
297
00:12:16,054 --> 00:12:18,721
I'm gonna sleep
like a rock tonight.
298
00:12:18,857 --> 00:12:20,923
You. White noise.
299
00:12:20,925 --> 00:12:25,395
Um...
Kshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
300
00:12:27,532 --> 00:12:28,932
[ dance music plays ]
301
00:12:29,067 --> 00:12:33,937
??
302
00:12:34,072 --> 00:12:35,538
[ mrs. Claus sniffs ]
303
00:12:35,674 --> 00:12:39,476
Whewww! That north pole snow
hits different, y'all!
304
00:12:39,611 --> 00:12:41,744
Hey, chief,
you wanna hit the slopes?
305
00:12:41,746 --> 00:12:43,079
I wanna sleep.
306
00:12:43,214 --> 00:12:45,282
You know,
it snows year-round here,
307
00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:48,551
But we still have to import
some snow from colombia.
308
00:12:48,687 --> 00:12:50,887
Solid joke. I've laughed
every time you've said it.
309
00:12:51,022 --> 00:12:53,156
But please,
I can't party anymore.
310
00:12:53,158 --> 00:12:54,891
I know exactly
what you need.
311
00:12:55,026 --> 00:12:57,093
A bloody-effing-mary.
312
00:12:57,228 --> 00:12:58,561
Bloody mary! Yes!
313
00:12:58,697 --> 00:13:00,630
Bloody-bloody-bloody-bloody-
bloody-bloody-bloody!
314
00:13:00,765 --> 00:13:03,633
Bloody what, bloody what,
bloody what, bloody mary!
315
00:13:03,768 --> 00:13:05,635
So if you're here,
316
00:13:05,770 --> 00:13:07,504
Who will deliver presents
on christmas?
317
00:13:07,639 --> 00:13:11,174
Oh, I delegate that crap
to my right-hand elf, guffrie.
318
00:13:11,310 --> 00:13:13,176
I work smarter now.
319
00:13:13,178 --> 00:13:15,779
I'm not in my early 200s
anymore,
320
00:13:15,914 --> 00:13:19,516
Splooging big ol' wads
of christmas magic all night.
321
00:13:19,651 --> 00:13:23,252
"wads"?
I'm taking better care of myself now.
322
00:13:23,254 --> 00:13:25,989
I started lifting.
You lift, steve?
323
00:13:26,124 --> 00:13:28,124
No.
Oh, man, you got to.
324
00:13:28,259 --> 00:13:30,660
I'll hook you up
with my amino acid guy.
325
00:13:30,795 --> 00:13:32,395
He'll find you
some steroids.
326
00:13:32,397 --> 00:13:35,865
With that frame,
you're gonna get yoked.
327
00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:38,267
Sorry to interrupt
your mid-life crisis,
328
00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:41,270
But what the hell
is that?
329
00:13:41,272 --> 00:13:44,007
Those would be
my dried-up contact lenses.
330
00:13:44,009 --> 00:13:45,608
I wear dailies now.
331
00:13:45,744 --> 00:13:48,878
When I'm about to fall asleep,
I just flick 'em wherever.
332
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,348
It's liberating!
333
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:53,082
I'm going to kill
your father.
334
00:13:53,218 --> 00:13:54,283
Dad's still not home?
335
00:13:54,419 --> 00:13:56,419
Damn.
You're not worried he's,
336
00:13:56,421 --> 00:13:59,022
You know, up to anything
with mrs. Claus?
337
00:13:59,024 --> 00:14:00,157
[ laughs ]
338
00:14:00,291 --> 00:14:02,225
Your dad?
Hell no.
339
00:14:02,361 --> 00:14:04,894
I've got that shit
locked down tight.
340
00:14:04,896 --> 00:14:06,196
[ cellphone rings ]
341
00:14:07,232 --> 00:14:08,497
This should be good.
342
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:10,033
[ cellphone beeps ]
hello?
343
00:14:10,035 --> 00:14:11,834
Klaus:
Francine! It's me, klaus!
344
00:14:11,836 --> 00:14:13,169
We're in the north pole!
345
00:14:13,304 --> 00:14:16,239
Oh, I already know.
Santa told me.
346
00:14:16,241 --> 00:14:17,707
Santa...Claus?
347
00:14:17,709 --> 00:14:20,577
He said stan ran off
with mrs. Claus.
348
00:14:20,712 --> 00:14:22,045
That's not how it went down, franny!
349
00:14:22,180 --> 00:14:23,713
She dragged us up here!
350
00:14:23,848 --> 00:14:25,982
And she won't stop serving bloody marys.
351
00:14:26,117 --> 00:14:27,116
It's a nightmare!
352
00:14:27,252 --> 00:14:30,053
Right.
That sounds terrible.
353
00:14:30,055 --> 00:14:31,988
For your guys'
information,
354
00:14:32,123 --> 00:14:35,524
I'm letting santa stay here
till you get back.
355
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:36,525
Watch this.
356
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:37,660
Oh, and, klaus,
357
00:14:37,796 --> 00:14:40,997
Mention that santa sleeps
without a shirt on.
358
00:14:41,132 --> 00:14:46,002
Oh! Those muscles,
mmm-mmm!
359
00:14:46,137 --> 00:14:48,605
Doesn't santa
look good, hayley?
360
00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:50,206
Oh, yeah.
361
00:14:50,341 --> 00:14:52,809
I'd take a bumpy ride
on his polar express,
362
00:14:52,944 --> 00:14:54,544
If ya know
what I mean!
363
00:14:54,679 --> 00:14:56,079
I do.
364
00:14:56,081 --> 00:14:58,681
[ dance music playing,
wind whistling ]
365
00:14:58,683 --> 00:15:00,149
Bloody-bloody-bloody!
366
00:15:00,151 --> 00:15:02,018
Sip the bloody.
367
00:15:02,153 --> 00:15:03,486
Sip it!
[ gags ]
368
00:15:03,622 --> 00:15:04,421
[ timer dings ]
369
00:15:04,556 --> 00:15:06,956
The weed cookies
are done baking!
370
00:15:07,092 --> 00:15:09,826
First you bake them,
then they bake you.
371
00:15:09,961 --> 00:15:11,360
[ laughs ]
372
00:15:11,496 --> 00:15:14,664
Again, for the fourth time,
that joke is hilarious.
373
00:15:17,902 --> 00:15:19,302
Stan,
I talked to francine.
374
00:15:19,304 --> 00:15:21,904
She's pissed you ditched them
for bullock's party.
375
00:15:21,906 --> 00:15:24,841
And get this.
She's letting santa sleep there!
376
00:15:24,976 --> 00:15:26,042
In our house?!
377
00:15:26,177 --> 00:15:27,376
You haven't heard
the worst of it!
378
00:15:27,512 --> 00:15:29,979
Santa sleeps
bare-chested!
379
00:15:30,115 --> 00:15:32,381
He's got the whole family
all horned up!
380
00:15:32,383 --> 00:15:35,518
Come on, we're getting
the hell out of here!
381
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,787
What are you doing
with the decorations?
382
00:15:37,789 --> 00:15:39,322
They're going back
to the basement.
383
00:15:39,458 --> 00:15:41,190
Your father ruined
christmas this year,
384
00:15:41,326 --> 00:15:43,126
So there's no point
decorating.
385
00:15:43,128 --> 00:15:44,794
But I love christmas.
386
00:15:44,929 --> 00:15:46,996
It makes me sad
and happy.
387
00:15:46,998 --> 00:15:48,465
Oh, now,
wait a minute.
388
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,535
Stan may be a grade-a jackass,
but it's still christmas.
389
00:15:52,671 --> 00:15:55,539
Why do you care?
You're a godless musician now.
390
00:15:57,742 --> 00:16:00,610
Duck, mom!
He's about to splooge wads!
391
00:16:02,681 --> 00:16:08,551
??
392
00:16:08,553 --> 00:16:11,754
It's good old-fashioned
christmas magic.
393
00:16:11,756 --> 00:16:13,022
Splooge more!
394
00:16:13,158 --> 00:16:16,059
It does look festive.
395
00:16:18,897 --> 00:16:21,364
It's snowing, bitches!
396
00:16:23,034 --> 00:16:25,168
[ muffled dance music plays ]
397
00:16:25,303 --> 00:16:31,374
??
398
00:16:31,510 --> 00:16:33,442
[ whispering ]
that was very fun!
399
00:16:33,578 --> 00:16:35,378
Stan?
Where'd you go?!
400
00:16:35,514 --> 00:16:36,846
I made us peanut brittle
401
00:16:36,981 --> 00:16:40,183
But with ketamine
instead of peanuts!
402
00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:48,191
What's the deal
with these reindeer?
403
00:16:48,193 --> 00:16:50,193
"chuck"? "leon"?
404
00:16:50,195 --> 00:16:51,594
Where's rudolph?
405
00:16:51,596 --> 00:16:53,663
These guys don't seem
like santa's a-squad.
406
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,067
Listen, rudolph,
one smells like a man,
407
00:16:58,203 --> 00:17:00,002
The other
smells like a fish.
408
00:17:00,004 --> 00:17:02,739
Go!
[ dogs sniffing ]
409
00:17:02,874 --> 00:17:05,742
I don't know what to do.
Jiggle them or something.
410
00:17:07,145 --> 00:17:08,411
[ dogs sniffing, barking ]
411
00:17:08,413 --> 00:17:11,080
Oh, no, you don't.
412
00:17:11,082 --> 00:17:12,481
She sees us, stan!
413
00:17:12,483 --> 00:17:14,217
Go faster!
Jiggle them harder!
414
00:17:14,219 --> 00:17:15,684
Mrs. Claus
is gaining on us!
415
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,686
Wow, she's
got wheels, stan!
416
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:20,690
A lightning-quick first step
and amazing top-end speed!
417
00:17:20,825 --> 00:17:21,891
Nothing is working!
418
00:17:21,893 --> 00:17:23,760
She's now outpacing
the dogs, stan!
419
00:17:23,895 --> 00:17:26,362
Her gait is equal parts
grace and power!
420
00:17:26,497 --> 00:17:30,233
She has long galloping strides
like seattle slew!
421
00:17:30,235 --> 00:17:33,169
On leon! On hank!
On rhonda and frank!
422
00:17:33,304 --> 00:17:34,904
Aah!
423
00:17:34,906 --> 00:17:39,976
??
424
00:17:40,111 --> 00:17:43,480
You can just talk to 'em, klaus!
They're magic!
425
00:17:47,118 --> 00:17:49,452
I can't believe
I'm saying this,
426
00:17:49,454 --> 00:17:51,054
But I like being here!
427
00:17:51,189 --> 00:17:54,457
Me too. It's like a new chapter
in our relationship.
428
00:17:54,459 --> 00:17:56,726
Can I ask you girls
something?
429
00:17:56,861 --> 00:17:57,726
Shoot, big red!
430
00:17:57,728 --> 00:18:00,663
Why do women
hate music?
431
00:18:00,665 --> 00:18:03,666
You'll need to be
a little more specific.
432
00:18:03,802 --> 00:18:05,201
I mean mrs. Claus.
433
00:18:05,336 --> 00:18:09,806
Ever since I formed my band,
she started acting all crazy!
434
00:18:09,941 --> 00:18:11,474
She's always whining
435
00:18:11,610 --> 00:18:13,943
That I don't spend time
with her anymore.
436
00:18:14,078 --> 00:18:16,079
Well, do you?
Of course!
437
00:18:16,214 --> 00:18:17,680
I mean,
not all the time.
438
00:18:17,816 --> 00:18:20,617
I'm santa claus!
I'm a busy guy!
439
00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:23,886
I have to make my list,
check it twice.
440
00:18:24,022 --> 00:18:25,354
What about after work?
441
00:18:25,356 --> 00:18:26,889
I usually hit the gym,
442
00:18:27,025 --> 00:18:30,627
Then band practice until 3:00,
maybe 4:00 in the morning.
443
00:18:30,762 --> 00:18:32,962
Then I wake up
and do it all over again.
444
00:18:32,964 --> 00:18:34,430
Come on, santa.
445
00:18:34,565 --> 00:18:36,433
You gotta put in
a little more effort.
446
00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:40,036
Yeah, dude.
Mrs. Claus is lonely, not crazy.
447
00:18:40,171 --> 00:18:42,839
[ screaming ]
448
00:18:42,974 --> 00:18:45,108
If you don't stop,
we'll crash!
449
00:18:45,243 --> 00:18:47,310
I don't care!
450
00:18:47,445 --> 00:18:51,314
I'd rather die than spend
another christmas alone!
451
00:18:51,449 --> 00:18:53,883
[ both screaming ]
452
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,320
I have an idea.
453
00:18:57,455 --> 00:19:00,389
You could include mrs. Claus
more in your life.
454
00:19:00,391 --> 00:19:02,325
Maybe she could run
your social media.
455
00:19:02,327 --> 00:19:03,792
That could work!
456
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:05,862
She's actually quite active
on facebook.
457
00:19:05,997 --> 00:19:09,332
Loves inspirational quotes,
hates vaccines.
458
00:19:09,334 --> 00:19:12,134
Loves memes
about hating vaccines.
459
00:19:12,136 --> 00:19:13,336
[ loud crash ]
460
00:19:13,471 --> 00:19:15,672
[ reindeer whimpers ]
461
00:19:18,477 --> 00:19:21,810
Leave my family alone,
you roided-out bastard!
462
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:24,413
It's okay, dad.
We're cool with santa now.
463
00:19:24,549 --> 00:19:26,549
We started a new chapter!
We did?
464
00:19:26,551 --> 00:19:29,552
It's water under
the bridge, smith.
465
00:19:29,554 --> 00:19:31,954
I need to apologize
to you guys.
466
00:19:32,090 --> 00:19:34,157
I never should've ditched you
for bullock's party.
467
00:19:34,292 --> 00:19:35,824
Clearly.
468
00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:38,627
I was so busy looking for love
from everyone else,
469
00:19:38,763 --> 00:19:42,565
I forgot that all the love
I need is right here...With you.
470
00:19:44,035 --> 00:19:45,368
Okay, stan.
471
00:19:45,370 --> 00:19:47,036
That sounds
from the heart,
472
00:19:47,038 --> 00:19:48,504
And we forgive you.
473
00:19:48,639 --> 00:19:52,508
I'm okay, but I don't think
I learned any lessons.
474
00:19:52,643 --> 00:19:54,643
[ groaning ]
475
00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:56,179
My baby!
476
00:19:56,314 --> 00:19:57,614
[ grunts ]
477
00:19:59,117 --> 00:20:01,584
Kris?
Sweet clarissa!
478
00:20:01,586 --> 00:20:04,987
I was so busy looking for love
from everyone else,
479
00:20:04,989 --> 00:20:08,991
I forgot that all the love
I need is right here...With you.
480
00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:11,794
Klaus: Santa straight-up stole
stan's lesson!
481
00:20:11,796 --> 00:20:14,530
I decided to cancel
the band's tour.
482
00:20:14,665 --> 00:20:17,066
I want to spend more time
with you.
483
00:20:17,201 --> 00:20:18,835
Oh, santa!
484
00:20:20,004 --> 00:20:22,739
I'm really sorry
I slept with stan.
485
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:24,273
You did what?!
486
00:20:24,409 --> 00:20:26,409
You seem jealous.
Are you jealous?
487
00:20:26,544 --> 00:20:28,010
Tell me you're jealous.
488
00:20:28,012 --> 00:20:29,078
Smith!
489
00:20:29,213 --> 00:20:30,479
I didn't touch her!
490
00:20:30,481 --> 00:20:33,149
[ choking ]
491
00:20:33,284 --> 00:20:34,884
What is with
this weather?
492
00:20:35,019 --> 00:20:37,620
When I got dressed up to [bleep]
last night it was low 50s.
493
00:20:37,622 --> 00:20:38,755
Now I look ridiculous!
494
00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:41,558
I thought we started
a new chapter!
495
00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:43,359
That chapter is over!
496
00:20:43,494 --> 00:20:45,561
In this one, you die!
497
00:20:45,696 --> 00:20:47,496
[ choking ]
498
00:20:47,498 --> 00:20:53,502
??
499
00:20:53,504 --> 00:20:55,572
The american dad.
500
00:20:55,706 --> 00:20:58,040
What a silly goose.
501
00:20:58,176 --> 00:20:59,776
Bye-bye.
See you soon.
502
00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:04,376
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