Original subtitles

[♪ ominous orchestral theme plays]

[low whooshing]

[Becca] What would you do to save someone you love?

For Edward, I would stop at nothing.

[♪ grand, minor-key orchestral theme plays]

[distorted, slow gasp]

[disgusted groan] What is he doing?

Hey, party in the fountain!

[whooping and cheering]

[excited chattering and laughing]

[Becca] Edward! Yoo-hoo!

Edward! Edward!

[clamoring, screaming]

[frustrated growling]

[grunts]

[woman yelps]

[shrieks]

-Edward! -Edward? Where?

Oh, my God, there he is! Edward, we love you! You're the best!

No! Jacob's the best!

[clang]

Yeah! Come on!

[excited shouts]

[shouting, grunting]

Ah!

[grunting]

[shouting, grunting]

[♪ dramatic music plays]

He's exposing himself!

Mmm!

[whirring, squeaking]

[angry yell]

[all grunting]

No! No.

[panting]

[grunts]

Edward!

[sniffs]

[hisses]

[sniffs]

-[gasps] -[growls]

[screaming]

[screaming fades]

[heavy sigh echoing]

[♪ gentle music plays]

[Becca] Let me start from the beginning.

I used to live with my mom in Nevada.

But now she's always on the road

because she started doing some pro golfer.

So I came here to the foggy town of Sporks, Washington.

Population: 3,120.

[anxious gasping]

[woman crying, gasping]

-[growls] -[Becca] Holy shit!

[hissing]

[Becca] Uh, make that... 3,119.

Anyway... I came here to live with my dad Frank.

He's the town sheriff.

Haven't seen you in a while. Your hair's longer.

Mm.

I, uh... I grew it out.

I guess it's hard for me to accept

my little girl's growing up.

I mean, look at the size of those tits.

-Dad! -What?

[grunts quietly]

[♪ rock intro plays]

♪ I feel so lonely♪

♪ Nobody gets me♪

♪ I am♪

♪ So unhappy♪

♪ Why can't I find a♪

♪ Cool alternative boyfriend...♪

[indistinct chatter]

[Becca] There was something strange about this town.

I couldn't put my finger on it.

[snarls]

I used to live here, when I was younger.

But I haven't been back in a long time.

I... I kept your room just as you left it.

[♪ crib mobile plays lullaby]

[awkward chuckle] Great.

Remember your, your hamster Herman?

[Frank] Might have missed a couple of feedings.

You could play with your dollies.

Uh, I don't think so.

What's that?

Oh, that's a special edition Feel-Real Dolly.

I warm it up in the tub first so it's not creepy.

-It's been lonely since your mom left. -[horn honking]

Oh, hey.

You want to come downstairs,

some people are excited to see you.

Who wants their passie?

Good girl.

Dad...

-I'm a teenager. -Right.

I guess I'd better get you some new stuff, then.

[sighs]

Frank didn't get me.

I wasn't his little girl anymore.

-Whoa! -[thud]

Becca, you remember Bobby White.

[Becca laughs] Yeah.

You're looking good.

Good?

I'm in a wheelchair.

I can't feel anything below my waist.

You know what's below my waist?

My penis!

S-Sorry.

We're all glad you're here. Especially your dad.

He wouldn't shut up about you.

Careful there, Bobby, or I'm gonna roll you down the hill.

Oh, boy, I'm real scared. Bring it on.

[men chuckling]

You're in trouble now.

Oh, here I go.

[Bobby] You are in trouble there, mister.

Oh, oh!

-Oh, hi. I'm-I'm Jacob. -Hi.

We, uh, we used to make mud pies together.

[chuckles] Play doctor?

[awkward chuckle] Uh... right, right.

[both grunt]

I-I remember now.

I gave you a prostate exam.

[grunting]

So, are we gonna... be at the same school?

I go to school on the reservation.

It must be fun to drink and gamble all day.

[loud grunt]

Too bad we're not gonna be at school together.

It'd be nice to know at least one person.

[grunting]

[Frank chuckles]

Got you a "welcome home" present.

What do you think?

[stifled gasp]

Uh, I think that you're trying to buy my affection

with that piece-of-shit truck to make up for the years

that you neglected me as a father.

Told you she'd like it. [chuckles]

-That's great. -Oh.

Fixed up the engine myself.

-Thanks, Jacob. -Go ahead, hop in.

[grunts]

Okay.

So, you got to pump the gas to start her up.

[sniffing] Damn fleas.

[inhales, pants]

Jacob, your foot.

Uh... ever since puberty, I've been feeling a little... different.

Excuse me, I've gotta take a leak.

I guess my body's just going through some changes.

-[cat yowls] -Cat!

-[Jacob barking, snorting] -[cat yowling]

Cat! Cat! Come here, cat!

-Come on! -[cat yowls]

[students chatting]

[backfires]

[Becca] Transferring to a school that's already in session.

Being the new kid is never easy.

[girl 1] Nice clothes!

Still shopping in the boys' section?

Give her a break, that's what I used to wear when I was a virgin.

[girl 2] Where'd you get that haircut,

Fantastic Lesbian's?

[others laughing]

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

[splatting]

[cheerleaders grunting]

[frustrated sigh]

[others laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

[muted chatter, low whooshing]

-[boy] Hey, new kid! -[grunts]

-Hi. I'm Derric. -I'm Becca.

I'm the eyes and ears of this place.

I can hook you up with anything you need.

Cheat sheets, human growth hormone,

harvested organs.

-[heart beating] -[Becca] Uh...

uh, no, thanks.

Oh, I get it.

You're one of those, uh, antisocial,

long-suffering loner types.

Actually, I'm more of a humorless type.

Kind of a sourpuss, really.

Full of insecurities, with no great personality,

yet every hot guy finds me irresistible.

You must be Becca. I'm Rick.

Damn, girl, you seem really boring and frigid.

-You want to go to the prom with me? -See?

I'm Jennifer, future prom queen. [laughs]

I'm gonna pretend to be your BFF,

but if you touch Rick's wang, I'll cut you.

[Rick whimpers]

[exhales]

[♪ low, ominous music plays]

Who are they?

Oh. Those are the Sullens.

They're, like, all adopted by Dr. Carlton,

so they're not biologically related,

but they're really, really close. [laughs]

They moved here a few years ago,

and they're, like, super weird.

It's a total mystery.

Their skin is ice-cold,

they feed on human flesh,

and they all sleep in coffins.

Maybe they're Canadian.

-Oh... -Ah...

And... who's that?

Snooki, JWoww,

-DJ Pauly D-- -No.

Not the douchebags from Jersey Shore.

Him.

The really... pale dude

with big hair and constipated look.

[sighs] Edward Sullen.

He's a complete hottie. [laughs]

But evidently, no one here is worthy.

He wouldn't even accept me as his Facebook friend.

[Becca] "Favorite Activity: Searching for a soul

which has been cast into eternal damnation"?

But... I don't care about Edward.

I've got another guy on the side.

Yeah. Sadly, he went off to fight in Iraq for a year.

But we write to each other all the time.

His name is John.

[Jennifer] Dear John,

Two weeks together, that's all it took

to fall in love with you.

And in those two weeks, you did things to me

no guy had ever done before.

I just hope I'm able to poop again soon.

Are you, like, even listening?

[uncomfortable laugh]

[Jennifer] Oh!

You guys are having, like, an instant connection.

-[laughs] How can you tell? -Duh.

Hardwicke 101.

You're both staring at each other in slow motion.

Which, although cheesy and obvious,

it underscores your respective yearnings.

Oh. [awkward chuckle] Right.

[bell rings]

[wind blowing]

[suppressed gagging]

[snorts]

Ah, Becca.

Why don't you take the empty seat next to that mysterious boy

you're destined to have a fatalistic relationship with

that will spawn four books and a movie franchise.

[filtered breathing]

[sniffing]

[filtered breathing continues]

[Becca exhales]

Do I... smell?

Yeah. Like tuna.

Lunch.

I'm Becca.

I'm Edward.

So, you're new to Sporks.

How do you like the weather?

I don't like cold... wet things.

So, you must hate Slurpees.

[slurping]

I'm just... trying to figure you out.

[teacher] All right, class,

turn to page 63 in your books.

Thi...

This is... biology.

Why are we reading The Vampire Diaries?

[exhales]

In the '80s, coke was all the rage.

The '90s, grunge.

Now it's the era of vampires.

It's just super trendy.

That's... amazing.

[baby coos]

[screeches]

[baby coos, laughs]

[cooing, laughing]

[baby cries]

[bell rings]

[clattering]

[whooshing]

Oh... hi.

[gasps]

Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

I work part-time at Abercrombie & Fitch.

It's always the same inane questions.

"Who are you?" "Why are you doing this?"

"Do the carpets match the drapes?"

[mouthing] Yeah.

Oh, that's hot.

[exhales]

I got a serious case of the munchies.

-Uh... -And I think you know what I need to eat.

Cheetos?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Thanks, dawg. You a'ight with me.

[laughs]

Whoo. [crunching]

Uh, Antoine?

What?

The killing.

[anxious gasp]

Oh, right, my fault.

You know who we are, don't you?

[hisses]

Yes.

You're the Black Eyed Peas!

Oh, come on, not again.

Why does everyone always think we're the Black Eyed Peas?

I mean, her, I get.

I get it, she looks just like Fergie

a-and he looks like will.i.am,

but, Jesus Christ, they don't even have

a white guy in their band.

[hisses, grunts]

Ow!

He hit me.

That's right, mixed martial arts,

Tae Bo, and Yogalates

created this!

Huh?

[grunts]

How you like that, pretty boy, huh?

[screaming]

[distorted laughter]

[grunts]

Get him off me!

-Get him off me! -Now the elbow.

[grunting]

Son of a bitch!

[cracking]

I am not afraid of you!

You should be.

[fisherman screaming]

[boy] I think they meet

-every other Saturday. -[boy 2] Uh-huh.

[boy 1] And then...

[indistinct chatter]

-[horn honks] -[boy gasps]

[tires screeching]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[grunts, screams]

[Becca gasps]

[Edward sighs]

[bones crackling, groans]

[screams]

[screams]

[grunts softly]

[screams]

Damn that overwrought,

unrequited teenage love.

[groans]

[Becca panting]

[♪ quiet theme plays]

[Becca] I couldn't stop thinking about Edward Sullen.

-[tires screeching] -[Derric grunts]

[baby coos, laughs]

[Becca] Amazing dexterity.

He can't be human.

[sighs]

[girl] Meanwhile,

uptown, Blair was getting cozy with Nate,

who was secretly crushing on Serena.

[Becca] Ex-Excuse me,

but you're interrupting my narration.

[girl] Oh, shit, wrong show.

X-O-X-O, Gossip Girl.

-Becca. -Jacob.

I heard about the accident. Are-are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I got you these.

[chuckles] Thanks, Jacob.

You're so sweet and thoughtful.

Any girl would be lucky to have you.

Just not me, of course.

You're like my little gay brother.

I heard you were hanging out with Edward Sullen.

Stay away from him.

There's just something really odd about that guy.

[Frank] Becca!

[sighs]

I better go.

Hey, sweetheart, there you are.

-There was a killing today. -[gun clicks]

Fisherman Sculley, by the docks.

The blood was drained from his body

and he had multiple bite wounds all over his neck.

You know what that means?

The Kardashians are in town.

[gasps]

Here, I want you to have this.

[Becca] Mace?

You're my little girl, and there's a killer on the loose.

I'm not going to leave until I know you can protect yourself.

Now, I'm gonna come at you and I want you to Mace me.

-Dad. -Honey, I've been trained for this, okay?

Here I come.

[screaming]

-[Becca winces] -[Frank groans]

Oh, goddamn it!

[screams]

It's so painful! It burns!

-Sorry, Dad. -No, no, I'm proud of you.

Are you okay?

Mace will only temporarily stop your attacker.

You have to hit a man where he breathes, Becca.

[yells]

-[Becca gasps] -[Frank whimpers]

[high-pitched] You got the franks and beans there. Good for you.

[whimpers]

But I'm still coming at you.

[panting]

Rip off the mustache, sweetheart.

But you love your mustache.

If anything happened to you,

I could not live with myself.

-Do it. Do it, do it! -[groans]

[screaming]

[weakly] You're good to go.

[gasps]

[yelling]

[♪ mysterious theme plays]

[gasps]

Edward?

Uh...

Am I dreaming?

Right, you're dreaming.

So you're not really here.

Exactly. Go back to sleep.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Got to... got to TiVo Wizards of Waverly Place.

[screams]

Patron!

Mario Lopez!

[groans]

[mumbling]

Becca, you're sleepwalking.

[yells]

[grunts]

[mumbling]

Hey, you're sleepwalking.

[sighs quietly]

[grunting]

[mumbling]

[sighing]

[sighs]

Just you breathing is the greatest gift you could give me.

-[farts] -[groans]

[screams]

[crashing]

[Becca] I started to wonder,

maybe I wasn't dreaming after all.

I had to figure out the riddle.

Who was Edward Sullen?

Was he human

or something different entirely?

Oh, snap.

He dropped his business card.

[backfires]

[indistinct chatter]

[principal over PA system] Good morning, Sporks High students.

Tickets are now on sale for prom.

And after school today, don't forget to visit the quad

for the blood drive generously sponsored by the Sullen family.

Prom! Come to prom! Prom's almost here!

-Prom! -[Derric] Here,

get your flyer for prom.

Check it out.

We finally got a theme. It's going to be awesome.

The theme is "vampires"?

We just came up with it randomly.

Cool, huh? [hisses]

It's going to be like the festival of St. Salvatore,

like the one they have in Italy every year

that celebrates the killing of vampires.

And we're renting out a huge stone courtyard.

It's going to feel just like we're in the 15th century.

It should be super fun,

lots of red capes, blood, and binge drinking.

You in?

I don't know.

Prom's really not my thing.

Well, it's my thing.

I mean, really, Becca, what is with you?

Prom is, like, the pivotal moment in any girl's life.

I've only been dreaming about being crowned prom queen

since I was a sperm in my dad's balls. [scoffs]

We need to talk.

[♪ dramatic music]

[♪ music continues]

[♪ music continues]

Your skin is pale white,

you dress fashionably,

and you abstain from sex.

I know what you are.

Say it.

Out loud.

Say it.

-Jonas brother. -That's right.

Wait, what?

No, I'm a vampire. Duh.

That was my next guess.

Then ask yourself the most obvious question.

What do we like to eat?

Vampire cereal?

You need to see what I really look like.

This is why we don't show ourselves in the sunlight.

People would know we're different.

[sighs]

You're... shining.

No, that's just my bling.

Oh.

You don't get it.

I am a killer.

-[Becca gasps] -Oop... oop...

[screams]

[clacking]

-Are you texting? -Yeah. Jennifer.

[gasping]

[grunts]

[screams]

I am the world's most dangerous predator.

[chittering]

I want to eat you.

That's cool.

Most guys aren't into that.

My family, we're not like other vampires.

We can control our thirst...

to only hunt animals and the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

But I don't know if I can control myself around you.

[sighs]

Look, Ed...

I don't like to play games, so...

I'm just gonna lay my cards on the table.

I really like you.

I dig the Eurotrash heroin-chic look.

You're totally happening.

I want to be with you.

I can read everybody's mind but yours.

You have to tell me exactly what you're thinking.

You're pretty...

so you don't have to be smart.

Would you like to go to the prom with me?

[chuckles]

Yes.

That's awesome.

[low growl]

[chittering]

[screams]

[Becca] There were three things I was absolutely positive about.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, American Idol is going to blow without Simon.

And third,

the next time I saw Edward,

I was going to hump the shit out of him and--

-Boo. -[gasps]

Oh, gosh, you scared me.

Um... there is something that I wanted to try.

Me, too.

I love role-playing.

[inhales deeply]

That... [clears throat] That's not what I meant.

Oh, right.

[chuckles]

Don't move.

[Becca sighs]

[♪ piano music plays]

Kiss me already.

I know it'll be okay.

[wincing]

[sighs]

That was amazing.

I've never gone to first base before.

Now let's go all the way.

[♪ rock music playing, Revival Chiefs "Late Night Superstar"]

Um...

[grunts]

Purity ring.

-Yeah. -Oh.

♪ Superstar, pretty little woman♪

[crunching]

♪ Think I know who you are♪

♪ I'm comin' for you...♪

Oh.

I won't be able to resist my urges...

to kill you.

-I don't mind. -What?

-[Becca exclaims] -Oh, God.

[both moaning]

Becca, no.

[grunts]

[thud]

[panting]

Oh, yeah? I like it rough.

[chuckles]

Ah.

Please stay away from me.

No, please, please, please don't come any closer.

This is for your own safety.

I'm trying to protect you.

[grunts]

Becca?

Becca?

[screams]

[panting]

If this is going to work,

we're going to have to take things slow.

Ye-- I guess that's okay.

Even though my teen hormones are raging

and I want to have sex with you,

I feel conflicted about losing my virginity.

I know you'll never have sex with me

because you're a vampire,

so, really, it's the ultimate pubescent girl fantasy.

That was incredibly insightful.

[sighs]

I read it on Stephenie Meyer's Twitter page.

Becca, I promise, as long as you're with me,

you'll never get hurt.

[grunts]

[groans]

[grunting]

Starting now.

[panting]

[grunting]

[snarling]

[sniffing]

[snarling]

[hissing]

Aah!

[panting]

[snarling]

[grunting]

-Shit! -[sniffing]

Well, I think we all know

whatever killed fisherman Sculley was no animal.

Look at those tracks.

It could only mean one thing.

Canadians.

Damn border jumpers.

They come here and take all the shitty jobs

us lazy Americans don't want,

and now they're killing our fishermen, too.

Yeah, Frank, I think you're missing the big picture.

That is a big picture.

[Becca] It was my 18th birthday,

and the Sullens were throwing me a party.

Well, this is home.

[Becca sighs]

Hey.

There is no reason to be nervous.

Well, I'm different than you.

They might not accept me.

It's like the time when my ex-boyfriend DeShawn

invited me to his grandmama's house to celebrate Kwanza.

♪ Dandelion♪

♪ Come where the sunshine shines♪

♪ When your clock got shaken and your heart start ticking♪

♪ May it land on mine♪

[sighs]

♪ If we make it to space, I'll meet you♪

♪ Oh, my dandelion...♪

I want you to meet my family.

You must be Becca.

I'm Edward's mom Eden.

We've heard so much about you.

Finger food?

[gasps]

That's Alex and Rosalyn.

I just know we're going to be great, great friends.

And this is Iris.

[chuckles]

Ye-- I hope we will be.

No, she already knows it will happen.

Some of us have special powers.

Iris has visions of the future.

Oh.

But I'm not on my period.

You will be. It's coming early this month.

Relax, Becca.

We're just like any other normal American family.

Except of course we have no souls and we walk the earth

trying to satisfy an unquenchable thirst for blood.

[chuckles]

[Jeremiah sniffing]

I'm Jeremiah.

He's new to the family.

He's still trying to control his hunger for humans.

Look, I don't want to cause any problems.

Maybe I should go.

But you have to open your presents.

Ow.

Paper cut.

[growling]

[yelling]

[grunts]

[screaming]

[grunts]

[Becca groaning]

[Edward] You're bleeding.

[Becca] Really bad, actually.

I must have hit an artery.

[quiet hissing]

[glasses clink]

[glasses shatter]

[hissing]

[yelling]

[both grunt]

[electricity buzzing]

[screaming]

Becca, your nose!

I knew I shouldn't have partied last night with Lindsay Lohan.

[others hissing]

Every time I bring a girl home, you guys try to eat her!

[hissing]

It's not fair!

-[doorbell rings] -Come on.

Someone here order Chinese food?

[screaming]

Quick, they'll be hungry again in half an hour.

[screaming continues]

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[♪ music continues]

What happened back there... can never happen again.

I now know as long as I'm around you, you'll never be safe.

That's why I want you to bite me.

And turn me into a vampire.

No.

I keep aging and you stay the same.

I'm 18 now.

I'm practically a cougar.

Mm...

Uh, I just...

I couldn't live with myself if I turned you into a vampire.

You're always sexy and healthy

and super good-looking, with tons of free time

and money to travel the world.

It's a lot like being George Clooney.

Strangely, the only thing

that does keep aging... is your ass.

[clears throat]

Gets pretty wrinkly over time.

You'll never see me again.

Just...

...promise me that you won't do anything reckless.

[gasps]

Okay.

I promise I won't date Chris Brown.

[gasps]

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[♪ music continues]

Farewell.

Edward?

Edward? Edward?

Edward!

[panting]

You're just gonna leave me here alone in the woods

in an area filled with vampires who want to eat me?

[grunts]

[screaming]

[sobbing loudly]

[screaming wildly, sobbing]

[panting]

Looks like Edward left us a treat.

Great.

This is exactly what I was talking about.

Take that!

[screaming]

[gasping]

I came here to help you, bitch!

-[whimpers] -Sorry.

There's nowhere else to run.

Your beloved Edward isn't here to save you.

[screams, gasps]

[grunts]

-[thud] -[grunting]

[sighs]

[hisses]

Hmm?

[hisses]

[hisses]

Come on, Jack.

Where's the bro code, huh?

You know you don't try to eat someone's girlfriend

right after they break up with them.

[hisses]

[growls]

[screaming]

[♪ organ plays "Charge"]

Kardashians.

Jack, no! [screams]

[hissing]

[growls]

-Let's go! -[hisses]

[grunting weakly]

[gurgling]

Becca...

I'm going to have to suck the venom out of you.

Now, this is going to be tough for me,

because the taste of your blood could send me into a frenzy.

[grunting weakly]

But on the other hand--

[demonic voice] Just do it already!

[slurping, grunting]

[normal voice] Okay, Edward.

I think you got all the venom out.

You can stop now.

[slurping]

[gasps]

[air hissing]

[♪ piano music plays]

[Becca] And just like that, Edward was gone.

I just couldn't get over him.

Why did he have to leave me?

♪ And the rain is pouring down♪

♪ And my tears are falling, but they never♪

Time passed, but my yearning for Edward never subsided.

Everyone reminded me of him.

♪ Please tell me why you♪

I couldn't get Edward out of my mind.

No matter where I looked.

[indistinct chatter]

No matter what I saw.

Without Edward, my life was over.

I felt like dying.

And every night, I had nightmares

that would make me scream really, really loud.

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

[sobbing loudly]

Becca. Becca.

Becca. Becca. Becca. Becca.

You're so upset.

Let me check your levels.

[beeping]

Oh. That's not good.

You've got more angst than

The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

You know, honey,

I'm not real good at the whole parenting thing.

But I do know that breakups are hard.

Especially when you're dumped by someone

as handsome and hunky as Edward.

That boy can really fill out a pair of pants.

I'm like, "Mm, look at that!

Look at that!"

Yeah.

And let's face it, honey.

You're no looker. And you twitch a lot.

It's kind of irritating.

That's for sure the best piece of ass you'll ever get.

My advice,

get yourself some of those big, juicy onion butt implants,

fix your hair up pretty, like Beyonce and...

who knows, honey, maybe a Black guy will do you.

That's my girl.

Oh...

Your friend Jennifer keeps calling.

You should hang out with her.

Probably cheer you up.

I want you to say good night to your new mommy.

[high-pitched voice] "Good night, Becca.

I love you. I love you."

Aww.

She really does.

Well...

we're going to get busy.

Good night, sweetheart.

I don't get it.

Why would anyone want to date a vampire? Lame.

[awkward chuckle] Yeah. So lame.

That movie's totally gonna flop.

[boy] I kind of liked it. It was all right.

[indistinct conversation]

I can't believe they get married and have a vampire baby!

[crowd groaning loudly]

Thanks for the spoiler alert, dumbshit!

It's too bad Edward dumped you

and now you don't have a date for the prom.

'Cause that dress would've looked great on you.

But you don't need a dress,

because Edward left you behind in the woods like bear shit.

[gasps] So, I'm gonna wear it instead!

[laughs] And check this out.

Everyone's gonna be, like, super jealous.

Couldn't you just die? [laughs]

No.

But you can.

-[screaming] -[yelling]

[giggles]

Well, this is me. Where are you parked?

Uh...

over there.

Ooh.

Right next to those mean and scary biker dudes?

See you at school tomorrow.

[engine starts, tires squealing]

[♪ ominous theme playing]

Hey, baby. Come over here, you can sit on my bike.

[bikers whooping] Yeah!

-Becca. -[Becca gasps]

Those guys are dangerous. Walk away.

-Edward? -[chuckles]

Ow.

-[bikers laughing, whooping] -Shit.

Those guys are dangerous.

Told you.

[sighs]

This is your brake,

and this is your throttle.

Jacob, there's, uh,

there's something different about you.

I don't know what it is.

I've been meaning to tell you.

I'm a man now, Becca.

-Are you telling me... -That's right.

I had my bar mitzvah.

Mazel tov!

Yeah.

Whew!

-So will you date me now? -[revs engine]

Say again? I couldn't hear you.

[laughs] Right. Uh, um...

-Will you go on a date with... -[revs engine]

What?

Maybe if-if you stop revving the bike whenever I'm about

to ask you something really important, you would hear me.

[scoffs] Right.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Becca, I wanted to ask you

-[horn blowing] -if you would... Oh, come on!

Becca, will you go on a date with me?!

[sighs]

Sorry, but I don't like to be yelled at, Jacob.

-[Jacob whines] -I think I'll just...

take her for a spin.

[Becca] Just one thing first.

Becca, you just cut the brake line!

Becca, stop, you're going to hurt yourself.

[pants, whimpers]

[♪ guitar playing mellow intro]

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah♪

♪ Hey, Eddie, well, I know it might seem petty♪

♪ But I can't stop obsessing over you... ♪

Put down that guitar and stop singing like Taylor Swift.

[grunts]

If this is what it takes to be with you, Edward, so be it.

Becca! Don't drink that milk.

You know you're lactose-intolerant.

This is for you, Edward.

[grunts, gasps]

-[stomach burbling] -Oh, God.

[tires squealing]

Whoa!

Sorry. But I did try to warn you.

[Jacob] Becca!

You trying to get yourself killed?

Huh? [pants]

Ah, you're bleeding.

Here.

Your body is so...

furry.

Uh... are those teats?

[Jacob] Yeah. [chuckles] Ten of 'em, actually.

Oh.

I better go get you some help.

That was fast.

[gasps]

You... are so scrumptious.

[gasps]

-[growls] -No!

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[gasps]

[Antoine exhales]

Be happy it was me that found you,

-and not Rachel. -Why?

-What happened to Rachel? -She was...

recast.

[gasps]

Shh...

She wants to torture you

for what you did to Jack.

At least I will eat you fast.

[fierce growl]

-Becca! -Jacob, run!

[roars]

That's it?

A Chihuahua?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

This whole transformation thing is new to me.

You can't stop me.

You're no werewolf.

That's why I always travel in a pack.

[deep growling]

[growls, snarls]

[all growling deeply]

[growling, snarling]

♪ It's raining men♪

♪ Hallelujah It's raining men♪

♪ Amen♪

♪ I'm gonna go out ♪

♪ I'm gonna let myself get♪

♪ Absolutely soaking wet...♪

♪ It's raining men♪

♪ Whoo! Hallelujah, it's raining men♪

♪ Amen♪

♪ Ooh, it's raining men, yeah!♪

Please.

-Get him, girls! -[growling]

[squealing]

-[fierce growling] -[Antoine screaming]

[groans]

[fierce growling]

[men grunting]

[low growling]

Hey.

Sign this?

Now, let's get you home.

[woman on TV] You'll be all right now.

I know it's worked!

[screaming]

[sniffling, crying]

[sobs]

Why can't they just be together?

Aw...

[blows nose]

There you are!

I've been looking everywhere for you.

You look like shit.

What do you want?

Look, we're all sorry we tried to drink Becca's blood.

Even Jeremiah.

But something terrible has happened to her.

[belches]

Whoa.

Becca who?

I am totally over her. [sniffles] I've moved on.

I am done with normal chicks.

I have finally found someone as freaky as me.

♪ My first wish♪

♪ Turn the music up as loud ♪

♪ As it gets My second wish♪

[fading out] ♪ Me and the girls are...♪

[sighs]

Too freaky?

Edward, I had a vision.

Becca was riding a motorcycle.

She tried to kill herself.

I fear Becca may be dead.

No.

I've got to find out.

[♪ piano music plays]

[Jacob] How do you feel?

It's Edward, isn't it?

Here.

Why did you just take off your shirt?

My contract says I have to every ten minutes of screen time.

Hm.

[spritzing]

[sighs]

Look...

Edward left you.

But I would never do that.

I want to take it out of the friend zone.

I really like you, Becca.

I like you, too.

When I'm with you,

I just feel so safe and... secure.

Thanks.

As opposed to how I feel about Edward,

which is all passion, lust,

complete forbidden fruit stuff.

I mean, with him it's all about my pussy.

Okay. Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Do you mind getting that?

Sure.

-Hello? -[Edward over phone] Officer Crane?

No, he's not here right now.

Where is he?

It is very important that I speak with him.

[Frank reading]

He's at the funeral.

-Oh, God, no. -Yeah.

And supposedly, the body was so mangled that the undertaker

had to use Krazy Glue to stick the head back on

and put marbles where the eyes once were.

[crunching]

Hello? Hello?

[sighs]

[softly] It's true.

[sniffles] Becca's dead.

Edward, I'm so sorry.

I can't live without her.

[gasping]

Good-bye, Iris.

I'm going to kill myself.

[Iris gasping]

[gasping]

I just had another vision about Becca.

[sighs blissfully] Becca's fine.

You don't have to kill yourself anymore.

Edward!

Shit.

-[vehicle approaching] -[whooping, laughing]

Prom rocks! Yeah!

[loud whooping] Yeah!

-I love drinking! -[whooping]

-Ye... -Oh.

What's the matter, Becca? Still no date for the prom?

Loser!

[both laughing]

Here! Have a drink, bitch!

[Rick] She promised me sex tonight!

Yeah! High point of my life!

[whooping continues]

[vehicle approaches]

Becca! Get in the car now!

[tires squeal]

[♪ ominous theme plays]

-What's wrong? -Edward thinks you're dead.

What?! Why would he think that?

Um...

I...

Beats me. [laughs]

He won't live without you, and he wants to die.

He's such a romantic.

-[grunts] -[gasps]

Becca!

-Jacob? -Becca, don't go.

You belong with me.

-Oh... -I need to know,

who's it gonna be? Is it gonna be me or him?

Jacob--

I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

I'm not gonna let go until you tell me...

once and for all--

All right!

Jacob... I'll tell you.

I choose...

Cat. [grunts]

-[cat yowling] -[barking]

Come back here, pussy!

[chomping]

[cat yowling weakly]

Edward's going to the Zolturi to have them kill him.

I saw it, I had a vision.

What are you talking about? Who are the Zolturi?

They're the evil bloodsuckers who only care about themselves

and their own narrow vision of the world.

They're kind of like Fox News.

Oh, my God!

Edward's going to expose himself

in the sunlight, and the Zolturi are going to kill him.

They can't allow humans to know vampires live among them.

It could destroy us.

-Okay, where is this going to happen? -At the prom.

The Zolturi never miss a good St. Salvatore Day festival.

They flew all the way in from Italy.

Say what you want about them, but they do know how to party.

[crowd chanting] Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...

[wild cheering]

[growls]

[girl squeals]

[Daro grunting]

[girl groans]

[cheering]

Oh, I got skills, bitch.

Welcome, Sporks High students, to the 2010 prom.

[cheering, whooping]

[horn beeping]

And don't forget, the main event is coming up shortly,

the crowning of your prom king and queen.

And if you haven't had a chance to vote yet, don't worry,

-there's still time. -Just to be sure.

[♪ dramatic music plays]

Becca, you're the only one that can stop Edward.

You have to show him you're still alive.

I'll do whatever it takes.

[Becca] So, what would you do to save someone you love?

For Edward, I would stop at nothing.

[♪ dramatic music continues]

Well...

you already saw this part, so let's get to what happens next.

[fast forwarding]

[laughing]

[clang]

[grunting]

No! No.

-Edward! -[hisses]

-[growls] -[screaming]

-Shit! -[gasps]

Whoa!

[grunts]

[groans]

[Becca yelling]

[both] Uh-oh.

[thuds]

[panting]

Edward...

[both groaning]

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[panting]

[wind whooshing]

Edward, it's not sunny anymore.

It's twilight.

Hey, new moon.

Aah! Eclipse?

Look at me, everyone!

This is me in all my glory.

[all laughing]

Oh, lucky penny.

[crowd gasping]

Aah!

[Edward] Huh?

[laughter]

Edward!

[softly] Becca.

You're alive?

We have to go now.

Becca... I am so sorry.

I promise you that I will never leave you again.

The Zolturi are standing right behind me, aren't they?

Yep.

Don't worry, Becca, I--

[growls]

Not talking smack now, are we?

-Stop it! -[mocking] Stop it!

-You're killing him. -You're killing him.

And we haven't even had sex yet.

And we haven't even had sex y--

Really?

Even...

[grunting]

[groans]

[grunting]

[♪ hip-hop playing]

[cheering]

[yells]

♪ Do the hustle♪

♪ Do the hustle♪

[♪ song continues]

-[screeches] -[grunts]

Becca.

Becca.

Oh, Dad!

There you are.

I was worried about my little girl.

You know, there's still a killer on the loose.

[Becca whimpers]

But I can see you're dancing with your friends, so everything's all right.

-Dad, no, uh... -No, Frank, wait.

You have to know the truth.

All of the killing was done

-by vampires. -[hissing]

Edward's one also.

[yelling]

-And Bobby White's a werewolf. -Oh...

-Oh, oh, oh, sorry. -Ow!

-I understand. -Thank God.

The theme of the prom!

-[laughing] -Oh...

No... No, Dad...

Enjoy, okay?

Becca, by the way, thanks for everything.

-[Becca whimpers] -[vampires hiss]

[grunting, yelling]

[loud grunt]

♪ All through the night♪

♪ I'll be loving you♪

Too close. Separate. Arms-length apart.

Too close. Separate. Arms-length apart.

[both grunting]

Too close! Separate!

-Arms-length apart! -[frustrated growl]

♪ Remember you that way♪

♪ Yeah♪

[singing along, mumbling the lyrics]

[Daro growling]

Say "cheese."

[both grunting]

Say "cheese."

[Daro grunting, jabbering]

[both gasp]

Whoo!

[Daro growling]

What...

the hell?

[Edward reads aloud, grunts]

Oh!

[Daro yelling]

[grunts]

Where's Becca?

[gasping]

[Daro growling]

Surrender now, or Salvatore

will snap her neck like a Slim Jim.

[groans]

[snaps fingers]

[Becca gasps]

You must pay for exposing yourself.

Tell you what I'm going to do, Ed-to-the-ward.

I won't kill you,

but Becca has to become a vampire.

-Cool? -No, not cool.

No way! Never!

All right, pull Edward's head off,

then rip his body apart and set him on fire.

No, no, no, no! I mean yes.

I meant yes.

Of course, she would love to become a vampire.

She practically brings it up all the time. Right, hon?

Uh, I guess so.

Then bite her now!

Bite!

[growling gibberish]

[pants]

Listen up, people, may I have your attention?

And now the moment you've all been waiting for,

and this year's Sporks High

prom king and prom queen is...

Jennifer and Rick!

-[both shouting] -[students cheering]

[Rick] Triumph for the Rick!

Congratulations.

-Hmm? -[whispering]

-Thank you! -Oh, yeah!

Oh.

Hold on.

It seems you two received over 69,000 votes...

in a class of only 300.

[crowd booing]

I'm afraid you're disqualified.

What?

Oh!

[crowd booing]

You ass-wipe!

[grunts]

My life is over!

As your principal, I will nominate

a new prom king and queen.

And I will pick...

I will... let me... see...

I will choose...

-I pick you two! -[crowd groans]

-[Daro] Us? -[principal] Yes!

Because you two exemplify what's best about this whole prom.

I mean, you really look like a couple of mean, evil

-bloodsucking vampires. -[growling]

[loud growling]

Oh, my God, we won!

-[gasps, cheers] -We won!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

[♪ stage music plays]

[cheering continues]

Um...

[yelling]

[sobs]

Uh...

[Daro clears throat]

[clearing throat] Uh, Edward!

Bite. Bite.

Do it.

Bite me now.

I don't...

want to wait a second longer.

I will only turn you into a vampire...

on one condition.

Marry me.

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[exhales]

Yes. [laughs]

Are you ready?

[♪ orchestral theme crescendos]

[laughing]

[Becca grunts, gasps]

[gasping]

[grunting]

[gasping]

[both panting]

[quiet laugh]

How do you feel?

Perfect.

It's... how I always imagined.

I love you, Becca.

[screams]

Team Jacob, bitch!

[♪ moody music plays]

[groaning]

Fuck me!

[screams]

♪ If I was your vampire♪

♪ Certain as the moon♪

♪ Instead of killing time♪

♪ We'll have each other until the sun♪

♪ If I was your vampire♪

♪ Death waits for no one♪

♪ Hold my hands across your face♪

♪ Because I think our time has come♪

♪ Digging your smile apart♪

♪ With my spade tongue♪

♪ The hole is where the heart is♪

♪ We built this tomb together♪

♪ I won't fill it alone♪

♪ Beyond the pale♪

♪ Everything's black, no turning back♪

♪ If I was your vampire♪

♪ Certain as the moon♪

♪ Instead of killing time♪

♪ We'd have each other until the sun♪

♪ If I was your vampire♪

♪ Death waits for no one♪

♪ Hold my hands across your face♪

♪ Because I think our time has come♪

♪ Beyond the pale♪

♪ Everything's black, no turning back♪

♪ Beyond the pale♪

♪ Everything's black, no turning back♪

[song ends]

[♪ slow rock song playing]

♪ I feel so lonely♪

♪ Nobody gets me♪

♪ I am♪

♪ So unhappy♪

♪ Why can't I find a♪

♪ Cool alternative boyfriend♪

♪ Who understands me?♪

♪ We can watch Degrassi ♪

♪ And shop at Hot Topic♪

♪ While sexting dirty pics of me in my panties♪

♪ We can watch Degrassi ♪

♪ And shop at Hot Topic♪

♪ While sexting dirty pics of me in my panties♪

♪ Sexting dirty pics of me in my panties♪

♪ My panties♪

♪ We can watch Degrassi ♪

♪ And shop at Hot Topic♪

♪ While sexting dirty pics of me in my panties♪

♪ We can watch Degrassi ♪

♪ And shop at Hot Topic♪

♪ While sexting dirty pics of me in my panties♪

♪ My panties♪

[song ends]

♪ I'm the one who's always thinking about ♪

♪ All the ways to get to the end of it♪

♪ You came around and I think that I found♪

♪ A good reason to try and stick with it♪

♪ You're taking me down, but I like the sound♪

♪ And I want to get with you anyway♪

♪ Is this solid ground or am I getting drowned?♪

♪ I'm just as happy taking it day by day♪

♪ And in the end♪

♪ We all end up the same♪

♪ Love and desire♪

♪ Will be the only ones to blame♪

♪ Lifeless or insane♪

♪ We all end up the same♪

♪ And in the end♪

♪ It all goes up in flames♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah♪

♪ Scars on my skin, you're bringing me in♪

♪ And I'm closer, closer every minute♪

♪ We'll start to spin and I'm in it to win♪

♪ And I'm taking every last bit of it♪

♪ Looking at your face making my heart race♪

♪ And I can't seem, can't seem to make it stop♪

♪ Sitting by your side, want to go for a ride♪

♪ And I'm waiting, waiting, afraid to drive♪

♪ And in the end♪

♪ We all end up the same♪

♪ Love and desire♪

♪ Will be the only ones to blame♪

♪ Lifeless or insane♪

♪ We all end up the same♪

♪ And in the end♪

♪ It all goes up in flames♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah, ah, ah-ah-ah.♪