Original subtitles

[phone ringing]

You've reached the home of Leonard Nimoy.

Anybody but Bill Shatner please leave a message.

[beep]

Uh, this is William Shatner.

Leonard, will you pick up?

I want to invite you to the roast.

It's gonna be fantastic.

Pick up the phone, Leonard.

Hello? Leonard!

Billy. Great.

Bill, are you in trouble? What are you--

I saw something on TV about your toast.

Roast, you idiot.

Turn up the sound on your hearing aid.

Oh, Bill, those roasts are terrible.

You shouldn't be--that's not for a dignified person like you.

A roast is for a pig.

I'm not dignified.

It's a celebration, you know?

And I want you to be part of it.

Why are you doing this? Is it for the food?

What is it?

Leonard, it's a roast.

They got a bunch of comedians nobody's ever heard of.

A few B-level celebrities I've never met...

Bill.

Some train wreck in a dress who used to be hot.

Bill, I'm not gonna do this.

And everybody makes fun of me.

It's gonna be so much...fun.

I think.

Billy, let me tell you something.

You know how much I love you.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like a brother to me.

I know.

And I consider you a very important person.

Well, I'm really moved. I really am.

I really admire what you've done

with your career.

Are you reading this?

No, I'm talking to you as a human being, schmuck!

Now, listen to me.

I'm gonna do you a big favor.

Yeah, what's the favor?

I will not roast you.

Oh, Leonard, come on. The answer is no.

I care about you too much, Bill.

Oh, Leonard, I'm--

Bill? Yeah?

Live long, prosper.

Oh, live long and prosper.

I love you. I love your family.

Give them all my best.

Oh, I'll do that. Thank you, Leonard.

You're welcome. Take care.

Pointy-eared pussy. Eat my balls.

What?

I'm still on the phone!

Does that mean you've reconsidered?

Get out of my life!

Douche bag.

I am...T.J. Hooker. James T. Kirk.

Will you calm down?

Energize.

There's a man out there.

4 Adam 30, pursuit terminated.

Mr. Tambourine man!

Kahn!

(male announcer) It's the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner.

With your roast master...

And roasters...

Delicious Vegan Sausages, Cheese and Burgers - Vegusto.co.uk

And special appearances by...

(Shatner) Fire photon torpedoes.

(announcer) And now please welcome tonight's roast master

Jason Alexander!

Thank you.

Tonight, Comedy Central honors

an Emmy award-winning actor, a director, an author,

a sportsman, a chef, an equestrian, a humanitarian,

and if I may say, a very, very good eater.

I speak of course of the great William Shatner.

[cheers and applause]

I love William Shatner.

I will repeat that. I love William Shatner.

I have studied this man's work

since I was a little boy.

He is the reason I became an actor.

I am serious about that.

He's also the reason I needed so many

frigging years of acting lessons

to break me out of this style of only...

talking two...or three words at a time.

Who the hell... talks like this?

Unless they're... constipated?

And trying to take a big... stinking...crap?

Khan!

I'm sorry, once you start...

William Shatner's career has lasted over 50 years

in which he's had an incredible two,

maybe three-year run.

Which, as I do the math, means there's 47 years of...

Well...let's take a look.

Allow me to introduce myself,

William J. Baxter, Louisville, Kentucky.

I'm Joe Conrad.

I am Brandywine Gage.

I'm Denny Crane.

T.J. Hooker is the name.

I'm Captain James. T. Kirk.

[Christina Aguilera's Ain't No Other Man]

-I'm a legend. -Right.

♪ Ain't no other man can stand ♪

Scotty, beam us up fast.

Fire.

Lock and load.

♪ You're the kind of guy a girl finds ♪

♪ In a blue moon

♪ You got soul you got class ♪

♪ You got style you're badass ♪

♪ Ain't no other man it's true ♪

Oh, yes!

♪ Ain't no other man but you ♪

The pale eyes will die!

[war cry]

[Beastie Boy's Ch-Check it Out]

♪ All you Trekkies and TV addicts ♪

♪ Don't mean to dis don't mean to bring static ♪

♪ All you Klingons in your Grandma's house ♪

If you could fight any celebrity,

who would you fight?

I'd fight William Shatner.

Come on!

Caesar of the stars.

Bring me to Octavius.

It's for you, Hooker.

- Hooker. - Hooker.

- Sorry, Hooker. - I love you, Hooker.

It's the only way, Hooker.

Kahn!

♪ Everything I do I do with William Shatner ♪

Hey, when you've been around as long as I have,

you get plugged in.

Were you able to jump on the hood?

Oh, yeah!

You okay there, T.J.?

Dammit!

Aaaah!

I can't believe I kissed you.

Must have been your lifelong ambition.

Aaah!

So how was your trip, sir?

I saw something on the wing of the plane!

♪ I don't want to go to work ♪

♪ Just wanna hang with Captain Kirk ♪

Get a life, will you people?

♪ Don't you wish that you could do it too ♪

Oh, man, I love it.

[laughing]

Ladies and gentlemen, I direct your attention

to a very special chair.

A chair that millions of Star Trek fans

have grown up watching and dreaming about.

A chair that has been on display

at the Science Fiction Museum Hall of Fame in Seattle.

For that is the actual command chair

of the proudest vessel ever to sail

in the Starfleet Command, the USS Enterprise.

And there is only one ass big enough to fill it!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. William Shatner!

♪ Ride Captain ride upon your mystery ship ♪

♪ Be amazed at the friends ♪

♪ You have there on your trip ♪

♪ Ride captain ride upon your mystery ship ♪

♪ On your way to a world

♪ That others might have missed ♪

Thank you.

♪ Ride captain ride

Thank you.

♪ Upon your mystery ship

Now, that's an entrance.

I'm here.

I'm sitting.

Bill, if may say, that chair fits you

like your girdle from seasons 2 and 3.

It was just beautiful.

Beautiful.

William Shatner was born in Montreal, Canada in 1931.

The son of Jewish immigrants.

That's right, folks, Captain Kirk is a Jew!

Whoo!

L'Chaim, baby!

You got it.

Tell Mel Gibson to shove that photon torpedo

right up his ass.

[cheers and applause]

But look who else is here from Star Trek.

The wonderful--where is he, Mr. Sulu!

Mr. George Takei!

Right there on our dais.

This is the only man who came out

and had Out magazine say, "Who asked you?"

Go back. In, go.

And Lieutenant Uhura,

the lovely Nichelle Nichols is with us this evening.

Out in the crowd tonight, we do have

one of your co-stars from T.J. Hooker.

The wonderful Adrian Zmed is here.

There he is.

Adrian, wanted to be on the dais,

but we needed celebrities.

Your other Hooker co-star Heather Locklear,

the beautiful Heather Locklear.

She wanted to come tonight.

But she's dating David Spade now,

and she may never come again, so...

[cheers]

As for the people who did

make it here tonight, we have a veritable...

who's that of comedy.

[laughter]

They all share one thing in common,

not one of them has ever met you, Bill.

And I think that's why they're here.

Because Bill Shatner, my friends,

is a man who has millions of fans

all around the world.

All of them who continue to live with their parents.

And he is loved.

Bill, as we all know, is an accomplished director.

His masterpiece, of course,

Star Trek 5: The Death of a Franchise.

Five.

He's also a great humanitarian,

ladies and gentlemen.

For charity, this man sold his own kidney stone

for $75,000.

Most of us can't be bothered

to sign a picture.

This man gave a kidney stone.

Next month, he auctioning off

an anal cyst for Jerry's Kids,

a benign mole for Katrina relief,

and two feet of irritable bowel

for the United Jewish Appeal. He's a giver!

He is a giver, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause]

Bill, you are a powerful, and unique, and passionate man

in everything you do.

And one of the great joys in my life

has been in meeting you and working with you.

No one deserves to be in that chair

more than you because no one else

could have made it such a place of honor.

So do live long and prosper, my friend.

And enjoy this evening.

Congratulations.

Now let's bring up the first of many roasters

to rip you a new asshole.

Which you will no doubt donate to needy children.

Our first roaster is here tonight

only because he's Colombian

and Andy Dick needed the cocaine.

Mr. Greg Giraldo!

Thank you, Pillsbury Jewboy!

Jason, that was a refreshing change.

These days, the only time you're funny

is on a rerun.

You've done--

You've really tried to hang in there after Seinfeld.

You had shows like Bob Patterson and Listen Up.

Those shows disappeared faster than a bowl of Percocet

at Farrah Fawcett's house.

You've been in more turds than Andy Dick's penis.

Look at his dais.

Fat guys, old ladies, and an Asian.

I feel like I'm on a bus to Atlantic City.

Look at this, Nichelle Nichols,

Farrah Fawcett, and Betty White.

Uh, I'll take women I would masturbate to 30 years ago

for $1,000, Alex?

What a--

What a--

What a cruel joke.

Three women you'd want to fuck 30 years ago

and one I wouldn't fuck 30 beers from now.

Artie Lang, you...

You fat, drunk slob.

Artie, your liver has more holes in it

than Mel Gibson's apology.

Your liver's so black, Lisa Lampanelli

tried to get it to fuck her up the ass

and never call again.

Artie, your pal George Takei is here.

Sorry to pick on you, George.

I know it couldn't be easy being a gay Japanese man

in the '50s.

I mean, it had to be almost impossible

to pronounce "glory hole" with a Japanese accent.

George, you'll be happy to know

that Jeff Ross is here.

Jeff is such a huge asshole,

you won't have to spit on your dick first.

To our guest of honor now,

the great William Shatner, everybody.

Hi William.

Bill, it's uh--

That was quite an entrance.

When I heard someone was gonna come on a horse,

I thought, "Wow, the network's really gonna let Andy Dick

and Lisa Lampanelli get away with murder."

You're the horse!

Bill, you're not just brilliant

and old and fat.

You're--you're an inspiration.

You proved that having no talent

can be seen as hip and ironic.

You overact more than Betty White's bladder.

Wow. Then, uh--

Then, of course, there was T.J. Hooker.

The only thing I remember about that show

was your hair and that hot chick what's-her-face,

Adrian Zmed.

What, uh--

What happened to her?

You're a humanitarian.

You work with a foundation to bring peace

to the Middle East.

And whatever it is you're doing, keep it up.

'Cause it's really working.

It's really working.

[cheers and applause]

You know, Bill, one of the most surreal parts of this business

is that I get to stand here

and make fun of a legend like you.

You were an enormous part of my youth

and you made Captain Kirk larger than life.

And really, honestly no actor who's ever lived

could have done more with that role.

And the fact that you continue to crank out

the best work you've done today,

when statistically, you should be dead,

is really really inspiring. Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

This--this is a fight to the death.

(announcer) Coming up, on the Roast of William Shatner...

People insult you.

(announcer) Betty White... They wanna make fun of me.

(announcer) Jeff Ross. They're beasts.

(announcer) Farrah Fawcett.

Just gonna be awful.

(announcer) And Lisa Lampanelli.

I expect no quarter, and I'm giving none.

Our next guest is the only person

on this stage who has fucked

all four of the Marx Brothers.

Ms. Betty White, ladies and gentlemen!

♪ Oh, no, not I

♪ I will survive

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪

♪ I know I'm still alive

♪ I've got all my life to live ♪

Oh, thank you.

Oh!

And thank you so very much and good night.

Oh, Jason Alexander, you are such a treat.

You know, I was expecting you to be just dreadful.

Well, in all fairness,

I was basing that on everything you've ever done, but--

But isn't this just wonderful?

I mean, all you youngsters

getting together to tell naughty jokes.

Oh.

It's like the great roasts I went to

in the good old days.

Of course, you wouldn't have been

allowed in, Nichelle.

Sorry.

Oh, we had our fun.

You know, I've been a huge Trekkie

ever since the show first aired.

And that's why I'm so thrilled to see Nichelle

and George Takei here tonight.

'Cause, let's face it--

we all know Shatner's nuts.

But George has actually tasted them.

Whoo!

Oh, it always makes me laugh

when I see Artie Lang onstage,

knowing I'm gonna outlive him.

Oh, no, no.

No.

Oh, but you know who I love.

Look at that Patton Oswalt.

So adorable.

He's like a plump little troll.

Backstage I caught him going up on Farrah Fawcett.

Oh, Farrah, you know I don't mean any of this.

I feel such a special connection to you, Farrah.

I'm in my 80s,

and that's the last decade you mattered.

And who else is here tonight?

Uh, where's Spock?

And James Spader?

And Bones and Scotty and...

Oh, Bill, all your friends

are either dead or they hate you.

To be fair, I'm a little of column A

and a little of column B.

But you look great.

You know, they make 1% milk now.

Darling, you were supposed to

explore the galaxy.

Not fill it.

All joking aside,

Bill can be quite a charmer.

I'm not ashamed to say

that I once had sex with Bill Shatner.

[cheering]

Oh, you should have seen him sweating and grunting

and so red in the face and wheezing.

Finally, I said, "Bill, you better hurry up and finish.

In two minutes, they're gonna start the roast."

Of course, I'm still joking.

Bill is a happily married man.

I caught the bouquet at Bill's wedding.

And I hope I'm still around to catch the cock ring

at Sulu's.

Bill, the truth is, I dearly love you.

I've always admired you as an actor.

I think you're funny and smart and kind.

And I was so excited when I found out

I'd be working with you on Boston Legal.

Till I worked with you on Boston Legal.

Good night!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the roastmaster general, Mr. Jeffrey Ross!

All right.

Thank you, Artie.

Artie's here just to finish people's drinks.

[laughter]

That's good, you're like the Chris Farley

of satellite radio.

[laughter]

Jason Alexander.

Sir.

You clearly come from the planet Trying-too-hard.

[laughter]

You sing, you dance, you act.

You do everything but make people laugh.

But I did love you in March of the Penguins.

Yeah!

As many of you know,

last year Comedy Central threw a very successful roast

of Pamela Anderson.

And this year, in keeping with that tradition,

we're roasting another bad actor with big tits.

Look at you!

Look at you, Shatner.

You have let yourself boldly go.

When did you go from Captain Kirk

to Captain Crunch?

You left T.J. Hooker and went to P.F. Chang's!

You work at Boston Legal or Boston Market?

If Scotty tried to beam you up now,

you'd break the fucking transporter.

But I must admit I am the world's biggest

Star Trek fan.

I've seen every episode a million times.

And I always wished just once...

Just once that spaceship of yours

would land on a planet with an acting school.

You sound like you forgot...

your fucking... lines.

And now you play a guy with Alzheimer's?

That's a fucking lucky break, huh?

Hey, if ain't broke,

don't fix it, you know what I'm saying?

But seriously, this is such a huge honor for me

to be roasting the spokesman for priceline.com.

Who we roasting next year, the Travelocity gnome?

What happened, we couldn't get the lizard from GEICO

up in this motherfucker?

Anyway, speaking of Shatner,

Betty White just shat in her pants.

All right, Farrah Fawcett, let's face it.

Farrah, the truth is my whole life

I had that poster of you.

And as a kid I would always

masturbate to it, hoping that I wouldn't go blind.

And now that I see you in person...

What the fuck? It's a roast!

Betty White, can you explain the jokes

to Farrah, please?

After last year's roast,

Andy Dick kissed my girlfriend's hand.

40 minutes later, she was dead.

Andy Dick's sole mission in life

is to give AIDS back to the monkeys.

No, the truth is, Mr. Shatner,

growing up I always had a strong distrust

for both Klingons and Puerto Ricans.

But watching Star Trek taught me

it doesn't matter whether you're black or white

or blue or green

or an old washed-up bag like Betty White.

We all want the same things in life

and that's to live long and prosper.

I love you, man.

Nanu Nanu.

(announcer) Coming up, Artie Lang,

Fred Willard,

and Sandra Bullock.

Hi, I'm Sandra Bullock.

And I worked with William Shatner

on the Miss Congeniality movies.

You know, I think it is so great

that everyone got together to salute Bill

and have some laughs at his expense.

But, you know, please, please don't be too mean

to him tonight.

'Cause the truth is, Bill is a nice, sweet...

kindhearted old man.

And it's really not cool to make fun of the elderly

and the feeble.

And the incontinent.

And everything else that Bill is.

Just, you know, just try to be sensitive

to how it must feel to be so close to death

and addlebrained.

I mean, half the time on the set of

Miss Congeniality...

Wow. This is hard..

Bill thought he was on the deck

of the Enterprise.

And...for some reason, he'd walk up behind me

and he'd cup my buttocks with his hands

and call me Sulu.

And each day at 2:30,

he had to go back to his trailer

with his nurse, who was this really nice guy

named Darnell, for a medical procedure

known as milking the prostate.

And I can't begin to imagine how uncomfortable

that was for Bill.

Because Darnell had what could only be described

as these, like, penis-sized fingers.

You know, and Bill, he's just...

He faces each of these challenges

with dignity and good humor.

So...again,

just go easy on the old coot.

Thank you.

Our next guest, ladies and gentlemen,

is multi-talented.

He can black out and shit his pants

all at the same time, Mr. Artie Lange!

What's up?

Anybody else drinking or wha--?

Jason Alexander, my man.

How you doing?

Jason is a committed actor.

Jason went from doing a show about nothing

to actually doing nothing.

What do you say to someone who played an icon?

Someone who played a character in science fiction history

that was one of the best ever,

and then gains a lot of weight and becomes embarrassing?

You say, "What happened, Carrie Fisher?"

George Takei is here, my friend

from The Howard Stern Show.

The great George Takei.

I'm friends with George and we've hung out before.

It's hard hanging out with a gay guy all day,

because you always feel like you have to adjust

the conversation so they can relate to it, you know?

Like with George, I go,

"So, George, I was watching the Super Bowl--

I mean sucking cock."

Andy, good to see you're doing well.

A few years ago, Andy was loaded

while he was driving his car and he rammed into a pole.

This is a big turnaround for Andy,

'cause usually when he's loaded

a pole is getting rammed into him.

Lisa Lampanelli, my friend.

Lisa, you're an overweight, annoying female comic.

You're seven horrible movies away from

being Janeane Garofalo.

A lot of people might say, "Art, why hit Janeane?

She's not here to defend herself."

And the answer is simple.

I've met Jeanine Garofalo, and she's a fucking cunt.

Kevin Pollak's here.

Kevin's here 'cause he just does every hacky impression

in the world.

You're not gonna see him again

unless Comedy Central roasts Peter Falk.

[laughter]

But William Shatner's here.

Let's get to the great William Shatner.

Bill, I hate to say it, but I was never

a Star Trek fan.

When I was a kid, I had weird interests

like football, baseball, chasing pussy.

Bill and I have a lot in common.

Bill was on T.J. Hooker,

and I once banged a hooker named T.J.

Shatner's a hero to a legion of Star Trek fans.

What do they call themselves again?

Oh, yeah, queers.

And Trekkies are not the best with women.

Shatner's responsible for more people

not getting laid than impotence.

But, Bill, listen, I love ya.

This is the part where we're supposed to say thank you.

You're on The Howard Stern Show quite a bit,

and we love having you there.

And I say this from the bottom of my heart,

go fuck yourself.

Salut.

Bill Shatner, uh, you are one of our greatest actors.

And I think I'm quoting you correctly there, am I?

You--you are a legend.

And again, I hate to be a nitpicker,

but you misspelled legend here.

It's L-E-G--

Good evening, Bill.

Of course, in the famous 1968 episode of Star Trek,

Billy boy and I shared

an on-screen kiss that made history.

And I'll never forget

what Bill said to me after that kiss.

Eh, Sulu...uses... more...tongue.

[laughter]

Now, Bill, what do you say?

Let's make a little more TV history.

[cheers]

And kiss my black ass.

[laughter]

(announcer) Coming up...

William Shatner is not his real name.

(announcer) Andy Dick.

You'll know more later.

(announcer) Farrah Fawcett and Ben Stiller.

Hey, Bill. Ben Stiller here.

I got a call about your big roast tonight.

And they asked me if could make some time to stop by.

And you know what? No, I can't.

Too busy. Know why?

Because in 1975, you didn't make the time

to send me the autographed Captain Kirk picture

that I wrote and politely asked for.

Instead, you sent me this letter.

Which I saved.

And really actually had a very...

Very big impact on me.

"Dear Ben Shit-for-brains,

nice fucking letter, dick lick."

I was ten.

"I assume you wrote me for an autograph,

"but I'm not sure because I can't read

"one word of your chicken scratch.

"Did you stick that crayon in your ass

and squat over the page?"

How drunk were you when you wrote this letter?

Huh? In that hotel room?

Surrounded by whores and pills.

And all the bad thoughts that just couldn't be

washed away by any mind-altering substance.

"Why don't you go grab dad's crowbar

"and pop your head out of your ass

and check out my new show Barbary Coast."

Oh, that was a gem.

"It's about action and adventure

"in Old West San Francisco, which is the perfect town

"for a mincy little tea bag like you.

"Or better yet, save a stamp and call up George Takei.

"It would make his day knowing

"that a 10-year-old boy wants some photos from him.

"And I'm sure he'd want some of you right back.

"Warmest regards, Bill Shatner.

CC: Gene Roddenberry."

You know what, Bill?

I did contact Mr. Takei. Yeah.

And he invited me over to his place.

And then he told me his lap was a transporter

and it would beam me to heaven.

So that worked out great for me.

Um...

Shame on you, Sulu.

Yeah, I know you're there.

Shame on you.

Don't look around, 'cause it's right here.

And it's never going away.

Um, seriously, Bill, have a great night.

You've always been a hero of mine.

I'm a huge fan.

And in words of one Enterprise crew member

who doesn't wear a girdle,

live long and prosper.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Farrah Fawcett is here tonight.

And she's here for a very special reason.

She lives under the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett!

Wow.

[laughing]

I don't think I can do this.

Jason, can you come back up here please?

I'm--sorry, I changed my mind.

I--I can't do this.

What, you...

I just--I can't be mean to people.

Oh, Farrah, it's easy. Roasting someone is easy.

You just look 'em in the eye

and you say something mean about them.

Like you're bald?

Yeah, not me. Not me.

And beady-eyed.

No, Farrah, not me. Not me.

Now, listen, no, you're supposed to go after Bill.

Go after Bill.

But I...

I was always told that if you can't

say anything nice...

don't say anything at all. Really?

Well...

Well, okay, there was one strange moment.

All right.

I was going into the ladies' room,

Bill was coming out, and I said,

"Bill, what were you doing in there?

And why are you looking so bloated tonight?"

And he said, "My name's not Bill,

it's Lisa Lamanetti. Lam...

Oh, Lampanelli! Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

(Farrah) I'm so s...I can't...

(Jason) No, you know what?

She was probably so crocked at the time,

she said "Lamanelli" and, uh, yes.

No, no, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure that's what she said.

Lampanelli. Wow.

Sorry.

I'm good, aren't I?

Yes, yes! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

You're having fun, right?

Yeah, I probably won't remember any of it.

That's right. Tomorrow.

No, I'm glad that you got me to stay.

It is my pleasure. I'm glad you're here.

Yeah. I did it for you.

Of course. Yeah.

And all jokes aside, I really think that

you're wonderful. I do.

And you and I have a lot in common.

We were both known for our hair.

And our boobs.

And we both fucked Lee Majors.

But, Bill, what I really... and I do, appreciate,

is your singing.

I loved your last CD, Has Been,

which was originally titled

Has Been See...

Has Been... Okay.

Has Been-- Okay.

Do it again! Okay!

I really loved your CD.

It was originally titled...

Okay, I'm not on anything. I mean it.

Now, stop it right now.

I can do this on the natch. On the natch.

Okay, I loved your last CD.

Which was originally titled Has Been Drinking Since Noon.

Yeah! There you go.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

With your permission,

I think we should show some clips

of your so-called singing career performances.

Okay?

I do love you.

She packed my bags...

last night, pre-flight.

Zero hour. 9:00 AM.

And I'm gonna be... high...

as a kite by then.

♪ Keep it gay, keep it light Keep it fresh, keep it fair ♪

♪ Let it bloom every night Give it room ♪

Never stand still, keep it moving.

♪ Keep your love a lovely dream ♪

♪ And never wake it

Come on, Mike. ♪ Keep it gay, keep it gay

♪ Keep it gay

♪ Keep it gay, keep it gay, Keep it gay ♪

Rocket man.

Burning out his fuse out here...alone.

I think it's gonna be a long, long time

till touchdown bring me round again and find

I'm not the man they think I am at home.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm a rocket man.

♪ I go flying so high when I'm stoned ♪

♪ When I'm stoned

♪ And I think it's gonna be a long long time ♪

♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find ♪

♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no

I'm a rock it man.

Rocket man.

Burnin' out his fuse out here alone.

Mr. Tambourine man.

In a jingle... jangle mornin'...

I'll come following you.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Tambourine man.

Mr. Tambourine man.

Mr. Tambourine man.

Mr. Tambourine man!

I took off the Andy Dick costume,

and I got more comfortable.

My real true name is Andy Kock.

That's Kock with a K.

It's actually a combination of two names,

Kirk and Spock.

Confused?

I brought a little something

that just might shed some light.

The actual Captain's Log.

"I was just exiting the shower tonight

"when Spock entered my quarters.

"He stared at me hungrily.

"Like Lieutenant Uhura eyeing a plate of ribs."

"I said, 'Spock!

'Why aren't you... manning... your post?'"

That's the best I can do.

"'Captain, when was the last time

you had your bunghole vulcanized?'"

"He mounted me.

"Boldly going where only...

a few guys back in college had gone before."

"For a being with no emotions,

"his meat hammer sure seemed to be

angry with my butt."

"Spock did give me the reach around.

Or as he called it, the Vulcan taint pinch."

"Then he fired off his photon torpedoes

deep inside my worm hole."

Ladies and gentlemen,

our...

guest of honor...

was impregnated.

I am the illegitimate butt baby

of Kirk and Spock.

Kock!

And, Mom?

Even though you abandoned me,

I...I love you.

And congratulations on your big night.

(announcer) Coming up, Patton Oswalt.

All right, sit down, Courtney!

Seriously, please-- oh, God!

You know, I just wanna stop the show

for a second to say something.

Lisa, I am glad you're here.

Last year Lisa Lampanelli had a polyp

removed from her colon.

And now I'd like to introduce that polyp,

Patton Oswalt, ladies and gentlemen!

I'm here to talk about...

William Shatner.

Listen to that name. Shatner!

Shatner sounds like

the barbaric yawp of a Viking's cock

as it splits a mighty elm into kindling

that you build a roaring bonfire

and then cook meat over that you fill your belly with

after you ass rape an ice giant.

That's what your name sounds like.

By the way, Andy, I saw that new Jessica Simpson video.

The one where you lick the roller skate?

I never thought I'd feel bad for a roller skate.

What the...

All right, sit down, Courtney.

Seriously, please. Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Wow!

See you in ten years, erections.

Cable Ace nominee Kevin Pollak,

ladies and gentlemen, right over there.

Used to, uh...

Former host of Celebrity Poker Showdown.

How the fuck do you get fired from a job

where all you gotta do is say, "Nice fold, Coolio"?

How does that happen?

Good God.

Carrie Fisher.

Carrie Fisher, ladies and gentlemen.

As a nerd,

you really are...

In that gold bikini in Return of the Jedi.

Jesus God in heaven.

Wow!

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, jeez.

You just got a kiss from Jabba the fag.

You are so... so good in that gold bikini.

And then what happened?

When they yelled "cut" did you have

a Vicodin-eating contest with Chewbacca?

Take it from a nerd, let the wookie win, okay?

I feel very good about that joke

because the message board I tried it out on

gave me an LMFAOW...

uh, IHAP, uh, FEF... um...

AAMM, uh, IMD,

um, YAMIRDMR, uh...FBNA,

which as Brian Posehn'll tell you means

Laughing My Figurative Ass Off

While I Have a Boba Fett Action Figure

In My Real Ass and My Mom Yells at Me

to Turn Down my Rush Fly By Night Album.

George Takei came out of the closet.

By the way, when you came out of the closet,

did the door go... [Enterprise door sound]

when that happened?

Farrah Fawcett, you look so hot tonight.

I'm serious, you are so smoking hot.

You really are.

Although, keep in mind,

batshit crazy gives me a boner, so...

Although--what the...

Why do I feel like Courtney Love

killed Andy Dick and put his skin on?

Lisa Lampanelli.

The queen of mean.

Or as the kids call you, the insult comic dog.

Lisa Lampanelli has fucked more black men

than the Tuskegee experiments.

Don't groan at that, she does very well.

Do you know how much bling gets left in Lisa's snatch?

It's like a pawn show down there.

Yesterday Carlos Mencia tried to rob it.

Luckily, he passed out from the smell.

William, look--

I didn't really pick on you that much.

As a nerd, it really is a big deal

for me to be up here.

It's hard for me to write anything mean about you.

This means a lot to me.

I'm gonna go now.

But before I leave,

just settle a bet for me and my friends.

Could you, uh...

Could you act your way out of this for me really quick?

No?

Folks, thank you very much.

And thank you, William Shatner.

(announcer) Coming up, George Takei

and Lisa Lampanelli.

I thought you dated Lance.

They say behind every great man is a great woman.

Unless you're our next guest.

Behind him is another creepy old gay dude.

George Takei, ladies and gentlemen!

Georgie!

I've got a few things to say about this bloated,

washed up, pathetic, no talent, bald hack.

Jason, great job tonight.

And a great job last night too.

[clears throat]

Look at all the talent we have in this room tonight.

Farrah Fawcett, Betty White,

Lisa Lampanelli.

It smells like pussy in here.

I think.

Andy Dick is here tonight.

As a fellow gay man,

even I have to say

Andy, tone it down a little.

And I have to say a special hello

to my cuddly muffin, Artie Lange.

Speaking of fat alcoholics...

Good evening, Bill.

My name is George Takei.

Not Tak"eye", as you've insisted on pronouncing it

for the last 40 years.

Remember--Takei, like in toupee.

All night long,

I've had to stare at that tangled, sticky, messy

clump of fur.

Farrah, please close your legs!

[laughter]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

At least Betty White had the decency to shave.

Bill, there are so many things about you

that I can make fun of.

Like your...acting.

Your acting is the only thing that makes me want to gag.

If I could only get my partner

to suck that hard, I'd never leave my chateau.

Of course, I'm only kidding, Bill.

Bill is a generous actor.

He gave Nichelle Nichols herpes.

[George laughs]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the first-- Give me a kiss.

But if Artie's my cuddly muffin, Bill,

you are a rich, gooey Devil's food cake

that I want to drop my face into and go...

[makes raspberry sounds]

So...

despite our tensions,

I am honored that you invited me

to be here with you tonight.

I can finally say what I've waited 40 years to say.

Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on!

Good night.

(announcer) Coming up, Lisa Lampanelli and William Shatner.

Be kind.

If you can't be kind, be lousy.

Our final roaster gave up a promising football career

to become a horrible comedian.

So many black guys

have been inside this woman, she calls her pussy

"Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles."

Lisa Lampanelli!

♪ She's a brick house

Oh, thank you!

Come on, clap it up for Jason Alexander.

Come on, Mr. Potato Head.

I like you, Jason Alexander.

I find you sexy. I'd make out with you.

Kiss me, you fat fag.

I've always wanted to see

what Jerry Seinfield's cock tastes like.

We are here tonight to honor

show business legend William Shatner.

[cheers and applause] As you all know,

William Shatner is an author too.

I've read your writing.

It sucks out loud.

Put it this way.

Your next project should be a suicide note.

I'm kidding, William Shatner.

Don't kill yourself.

Then Uhura over there

won't have anyone's house to clean.

I kid. I love you, Nichelle.

Or as they called you on the Enterprise--

Mammy.

William Shatner is not only a TV star

and a "writer."

As a singer, he is beyond compare.

It's true.

When Elton John heard William Shatner sing Rocket Man,

he spit George Takei's dick out of his mouth.

Being Japanese and gay isn't all bad, right, George?

It has it's benefits.

You can bow down to say hello

and take it in the ass at the same time.

But enough about the Chinaman.

Jeff Ross is so unlikable that on myspace

even Tom won't be his friend.

Sorry for all the salty language tonight, Betty White.

Betty White is a class act.

A real lady.

[cheers] It's true!

Betty White is so old

that on her first game show ever,

the grand prize was fire.

[cheers and applause]

Don't you laugh at no elderly jokes, Shatner.

You're 75.

William Shatner's ball bag hangs so low,

he has to hold it when he takes a shit.

How does anyone that mediocre get to be in that many movies?

Seriously, Kevin Pollak, how does that happen?

Speaking of things that blow,

hi, Andy Dick.

Andy Dick is so gay,

his Chapstick is cock flavored.

Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.

[laughter]

But enough about this poo pusher.

Tonight William Shatner is our guest of honor.

Mr. Shatner has starred in some amazing television shows.

T.J. Hooker was not one of them.

What a piece of crap.

I tried to TiVo T.J Hooker,

but my TiVo suggested I punch myself in the cunt.

In closing, I would like to thank you, William Shatner,

for letting me make fun of you tonight.

You are an icon who is loved the world over.

And you're an inspiration to performers everywhere.

William Shatner is living proof

that if you are talented and nice,

you can work forever in this business.

Luckily for me, if you're neither--

pffft, fuck it.

You can still be on Comedy Central.

Thank you, William Shatner. I love you very much.

[cheers and applause]

(announcer) Up next, are you ready for some Shatner?

Nobody's ever ready.

Go to comedycentral.com for uncensored clips

and exclusive red carpet footage.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the only person on this stage who's actually employed.

A man who is a national treasure.

In Canada.

A man...with balls the size of...

well, giant old man balls.

Captain, my captain.

It's time to address your crew!

The man of the hour, Mr. William Shatner!

[Elton John's Rocket Man]

♪

Oh, my.

♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time ♪

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

No, it was bad.

It was bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Painful. Painful.

How's the hair?

The hair is good? The hair is good, okay.

Oh--thank you so much. I appreciate that.

The only thing that really, uh, hurts my feelings about tonight

is that you people just weren't funny.

[laughter]

And I gave you so much to work with.

You could've said something like,

"Shatner's such a cheap Jew, he only beamed himself up

after 7:00 when the rates are lower."

See, that's funny.

That's why I have a level of success.

Success that, based on what I've seen tonight,

none of you will ever achieve, all right?

Well, unless Lisa Lampanelli wins the Kentucky Derby,

then you have success.

George, Nichelle,

it's really great to see you.

Because of our work together

on the bridge of the fabled Enterprise,

it broke a lot of stereotypes.

Not only did we take a chance

and allow an Asian gentleman to drive...

[laughter]

We--

We had a black woman sitting in front of a large screen

who didn't yell things at it.

George, I had no idea

it would be so rough on you tonight.

They really ripped you a new one.

I'm sure you'll find use for it though.

The guy's been trying to suck my cock for 40 years.

George, for the last time,

I will not let you suck my cock!

And Nichelle, thank you very much.

And Greg Giraldo, you don't matter.

You're inconsequential.

You're nothing but a faceless drone.

If this were an episode of Star Trek,

you'd be wearing a red shirt and would've been killed by now.

[cheers and applause]

Kevin Pollak.

I'm glad my vast talents

have been able to make you rich.

You've got more out of doing me

than any woman I've ever slept with.

And that includes your wife!

So good for you.

Fred Willard, I've been watching your career for many years

and I can honestly say,

I don't get it.

You're just so dry.

If you were any drier, you'd be in Betty White's underwear.

[audience groaning]

And of course, Farrah Fawcett is here.

And I think it's time someone told her.

Farrah's a wonderful actress.

She did that great movie The Burning Bed.

Not to be confused with Andy Dick's project,

The Burning Butt.

Which has been showcased in clinics

throughout Los Angeles and Tijuana.

And speaking of donkeys--

Get 'em, Shatner.

Lisa...

you are one supremely funny lady.

[cheers and applause]

But you'd be a-- a much better performer

if every time you got on a roll, you didn't stop to eat it.

Which brings me...

to our host, Jason Alexander. Thank you so much.

Your work here is done, my friend. [cheers]

Jason said he was inspired by me.

Why is everyone who's inspired by me

such a fat fucking loser, I don't know.

You know, I look back on this amazing evening,

I can't help but think to myself,

"Who the hell are you people?

Where do you get the nerve to make fun of me?

What have you ever done?"

Do you know who I am?

I'm William Tiberius Shatner.

[cheers and applause]

Damn right.

I've saved the universe hundreds of times!

I've created characters that will stand the test of time.

I've been to space!

[Star Trek theme music] The final frontier.

These are the voyages on the starship Enterprise.

The five-year mission:

to seek out new life and new civilizations.

To boldly go where no man has gone before!

Home to whack off to Lisa Lampanelli.

Good night!

[Star Trek theme music]

[cheers and applause]

♪

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

so if you guys like sound and one camera,

I could do something out of my house.

It might work.

There's three black guys with camera equipment.

Like this shit ain't stolen.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Bill. They made me do it.

Thank you.

I took it like a man.

If anybody needs to apologize to anybody,

he should apologize for making me do this.

Piece of crap. I never liked them.

Thank you! I'll see you outside.

Assholes!