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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,499 --> 00:00:07,498 [phone ringing] 2 00:00:07,499 --> 00:00:09,498 You've reached the home of Leonard Nimoy. 3 00:00:09,499 --> 00:00:12,498 Anybody but Bill Shatner please leave a message. 4 00:00:12,499 --> 00:00:14,498 [beep] 5 00:00:14,499 --> 00:00:15,498 Uh, this is William Shatner. 6 00:00:15,499 --> 00:00:16,498 Leonard, will you pick up? 7 00:00:16,499 --> 00:00:17,498 I want to invite you to the roast. 8 00:00:17,499 --> 00:00:19,498 It's gonna be fantastic. 9 00:00:19,499 --> 00:00:21,498 Pick up the phone, Leonard. 10 00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:23,498 Hello? Leonard! 11 00:00:23,499 --> 00:00:24,498 Billy. Great. 12 00:00:24,499 --> 00:00:26,498 Bill, are you in trouble? What are you-- 13 00:00:26,499 --> 00:00:28,498 I saw something on TV about your toast. 14 00:00:28,499 --> 00:00:30,498 Roast, you idiot. 15 00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:33,498 Turn up the sound on your hearing aid. 16 00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:34,499 Oh, Bill, those roasts are terrible. 17 00:00:34,583 --> 00:00:37,498 You shouldn't be--that's not for a dignified person like you. 18 00:00:37,499 --> 00:00:38,498 A roast is for a pig. 19 00:00:38,499 --> 00:00:40,498 I'm not dignified. 20 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:42,498 It's a celebration, you know? 21 00:00:42,499 --> 00:00:44,498 And I want you to be part of it. 22 00:00:44,499 --> 00:00:45,498 Why are you doing this? Is it for the food? 23 00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:46,498 What is it? 24 00:00:46,499 --> 00:00:48,498 Leonard, it's a roast. 25 00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:51,498 They got a bunch of comedians nobody's ever heard of. 26 00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:52,498 A few B-level celebrities I've never met... 27 00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:54,498 Bill. 28 00:00:54,499 --> 00:00:56,498 Some train wreck in a dress who used to be hot. 29 00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:57,498 Bill, I'm not gonna do this. 30 00:00:57,499 --> 00:00:59,498 And everybody makes fun of me. 31 00:00:59,499 --> 00:01:02,498 It's gonna be so much...fun. 32 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:03,498 I think. 33 00:01:03,499 --> 00:01:05,498 Billy, let me tell you something. 34 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,498 You know how much I love you. 35 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:07,498 Yeah, yeah. 36 00:01:07,499 --> 00:01:08,498 You're like a brother to me. 37 00:01:08,499 --> 00:01:09,498 I know. 38 00:01:09,499 --> 00:01:11,498 And I consider you a very important person. 39 00:01:11,499 --> 00:01:14,498 Well, I'm really moved. I really am. 40 00:01:14,499 --> 00:01:15,498 I really admire what you've done 41 00:01:15,499 --> 00:01:16,498 with your career. 42 00:01:16,499 --> 00:01:18,498 Are you reading this? 43 00:01:18,499 --> 00:01:20,498 No, I'm talking to you as a human being, schmuck! 44 00:01:20,499 --> 00:01:21,498 Now, listen to me. 45 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,498 I'm gonna do you a big favor. 46 00:01:23,499 --> 00:01:24,498 Yeah, what's the favor? 47 00:01:24,499 --> 00:01:25,498 I will not roast you. 48 00:01:25,499 --> 00:01:27,498 Oh, Leonard, come on. The answer is no. 49 00:01:27,499 --> 00:01:29,498 I care about you too much, Bill. 50 00:01:29,499 --> 00:01:31,498 Oh, Leonard, I'm-- 51 00:01:31,499 --> 00:01:32,498 Bill? Yeah? 52 00:01:32,499 --> 00:01:33,498 Live long, prosper. 53 00:01:33,499 --> 00:01:35,498 Oh, live long and prosper. 54 00:01:35,499 --> 00:01:36,498 I love you. I love your family. 55 00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:37,498 Give them all my best. 56 00:01:37,499 --> 00:01:39,498 Oh, I'll do that. Thank you, Leonard. 57 00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:41,498 You're welcome. Take care. 58 00:01:41,499 --> 00:01:44,498 Pointy-eared pussy. Eat my balls. 59 00:01:44,499 --> 00:01:45,498 What? 60 00:01:45,499 --> 00:01:47,498 I'm still on the phone! 61 00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:48,498 Does that mean you've reconsidered? 62 00:01:48,499 --> 00:01:50,498 Get out of my life! 63 00:01:50,499 --> 00:01:52,499 Douche bag. 64 00:01:59,499 --> 00:02:01,498 I am...T.J. Hooker. James T. Kirk. 65 00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:04,498 Will you calm down? 66 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:06,498 Energize. 67 00:02:06,499 --> 00:02:07,498 There's a man out there. 68 00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:09,498 4 Adam 30, pursuit terminated. 69 00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:11,498 Mr. Tambourine man! 70 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,498 Kahn! 71 00:02:14,499 --> 00:02:17,498 (male announcer) It's the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner. 72 00:02:17,499 --> 00:02:19,498 With your roast master... 73 00:02:19,499 --> 00:02:21,499 And roasters... 74 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:29,074 Delicious Vegan Sausages, Cheese and Burgers - Vegusto.co.uk 75 00:02:33,499 --> 00:02:35,499 And special appearances by... 76 00:02:39,499 --> 00:02:40,499 (Shatner) Fire photon torpedoes. 77 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,498 (announcer) And now please welcome tonight's roast master 78 00:02:48,499 --> 00:02:51,499 Jason Alexander! 79 00:02:59,499 --> 00:03:02,498 Thank you. 80 00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:05,498 Tonight, Comedy Central honors 81 00:03:05,499 --> 00:03:09,498 an Emmy award-winning actor, a director, an author, 82 00:03:09,499 --> 00:03:13,498 a sportsman, a chef, an equestrian, a humanitarian, 83 00:03:13,499 --> 00:03:16,498 and if I may say, a very, very good eater. 84 00:03:16,499 --> 00:03:20,498 I speak of course of the great William Shatner. 85 00:03:20,499 --> 00:03:23,499 [cheers and applause] 86 00:03:26,499 --> 00:03:29,498 I love William Shatner. 87 00:03:29,499 --> 00:03:33,498 I will repeat that. I love William Shatner. 88 00:03:33,499 --> 00:03:35,498 I have studied this man's work 89 00:03:35,499 --> 00:03:36,498 since I was a little boy. 90 00:03:36,499 --> 00:03:38,498 He is the reason I became an actor. 91 00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:39,498 I am serious about that. 92 00:03:39,499 --> 00:03:41,498 He's also the reason I needed so many 93 00:03:41,499 --> 00:03:42,498 frigging years of acting lessons 94 00:03:42,499 --> 00:03:45,498 to break me out of this style of only... 95 00:03:45,499 --> 00:03:49,498 talking two...or three words at a time. 96 00:03:49,499 --> 00:03:52,498 Who the hell... talks like this? 97 00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:54,499 Unless they're... constipated? 98 00:03:54,583 --> 00:04:01,498 And trying to take a big... stinking...crap? 99 00:04:01,499 --> 00:04:02,498 Khan! 100 00:04:02,499 --> 00:04:05,498 I'm sorry, once you start... 101 00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:07,498 William Shatner's career has lasted over 50 years 102 00:04:07,499 --> 00:04:09,498 in which he's had an incredible two, 103 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,499 maybe three-year run. 104 00:04:13,499 --> 00:04:17,498 Which, as I do the math, means there's 47 years of... 105 00:04:17,499 --> 00:04:21,498 Well...let's take a look. 106 00:04:21,499 --> 00:04:23,498 Allow me to introduce myself, 107 00:04:23,499 --> 00:04:25,498 William J. Baxter, Louisville, Kentucky. 108 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,498 I'm Joe Conrad. 109 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,498 I am Brandywine Gage. 110 00:04:28,499 --> 00:04:29,498 I'm Denny Crane. 111 00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:30,499 T.J. Hooker is the name. 112 00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:33,498 I'm Captain James. T. Kirk. 113 00:04:33,499 --> 00:04:35,498 [Christina Aguilera's Ain't No Other Man] 114 00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:36,498 -I'm a legend. -Right. 115 00:04:36,499 --> 00:04:39,498 ♪ Ain't no other man can stand ♪ 116 00:04:39,499 --> 00:04:41,498 Scotty, beam us up fast. 117 00:04:41,499 --> 00:04:43,498 Fire. 118 00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:44,498 Lock and load. 119 00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:46,498 ♪ You're the kind of guy a girl finds ♪ 120 00:04:46,499 --> 00:04:47,498 ♪ In a blue moon 121 00:04:47,499 --> 00:04:49,498 ♪ You got soul you got class ♪ 122 00:04:49,499 --> 00:04:51,498 ♪ You got style you're badass ♪ 123 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,498 ♪ Ain't no other man it's true ♪ 124 00:04:53,499 --> 00:04:54,498 Oh, yes! 125 00:04:54,499 --> 00:04:55,498 ♪ Ain't no other man but you ♪ 126 00:04:55,499 --> 00:04:57,498 The pale eyes will die! 127 00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:59,498 [war cry] 128 00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:01,498 [Beastie Boy's Ch-Check it Out] 129 00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:03,498 ♪ All you Trekkies and TV addicts ♪ 130 00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:05,498 ♪ Don't mean to dis don't mean to bring static ♪ 131 00:05:05,499 --> 00:05:07,498 ♪ All you Klingons in your Grandma's house ♪ 132 00:05:07,499 --> 00:05:08,498 If you could fight any celebrity, 133 00:05:08,499 --> 00:05:10,498 who would you fight? 134 00:05:10,499 --> 00:05:11,498 I'd fight William Shatner. 135 00:05:11,499 --> 00:05:13,498 Come on! 136 00:05:13,499 --> 00:05:14,498 Caesar of the stars. 137 00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:15,498 Bring me to Octavius. 138 00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:16,498 It's for you, Hooker. 139 00:05:16,499 --> 00:05:17,498 - Hooker. - Hooker. 140 00:05:17,499 --> 00:05:19,498 - Sorry, Hooker. - I love you, Hooker. 141 00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:20,499 It's the only way, Hooker. 142 00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:25,498 Kahn! 143 00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:29,498 ♪ Everything I do I do with William Shatner ♪ 144 00:05:29,499 --> 00:05:30,498 Hey, when you've been around as long as I have, 145 00:05:30,499 --> 00:05:31,498 you get plugged in. 146 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,498 Were you able to jump on the hood? 147 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,498 Oh, yeah! 148 00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:37,498 You okay there, T.J.? 149 00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:38,498 Dammit! 150 00:05:38,499 --> 00:05:40,498 Aaaah! 151 00:05:40,499 --> 00:05:41,498 I can't believe I kissed you. 152 00:05:41,499 --> 00:05:42,498 Must have been your lifelong ambition. 153 00:05:42,499 --> 00:05:43,499 Aaah! 154 00:05:44,499 --> 00:05:45,498 So how was your trip, sir? 155 00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:47,499 I saw something on the wing of the plane! 156 00:05:48,499 --> 00:05:50,498 ♪ I don't want to go to work ♪ 157 00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:51,498 ♪ Just wanna hang with Captain Kirk ♪ 158 00:05:51,499 --> 00:05:54,498 Get a life, will you people? 159 00:05:54,499 --> 00:06:00,498 ♪ Don't you wish that you could do it too ♪ 160 00:06:00,499 --> 00:06:01,498 Oh, man, I love it. 161 00:06:01,499 --> 00:06:03,499 [laughing] 162 00:06:11,499 --> 00:06:13,498 Ladies and gentlemen, I direct your attention 163 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:16,498 to a very special chair. 164 00:06:16,499 --> 00:06:18,498 A chair that millions of Star Trek fans 165 00:06:18,499 --> 00:06:21,498 have grown up watching and dreaming about. 166 00:06:21,499 --> 00:06:24,498 A chair that has been on display 167 00:06:24,499 --> 00:06:27,498 at the Science Fiction Museum Hall of Fame in Seattle. 168 00:06:27,499 --> 00:06:30,498 For that is the actual command chair 169 00:06:30,499 --> 00:06:33,498 of the proudest vessel ever to sail 170 00:06:33,499 --> 00:06:37,498 in the Starfleet Command, the USS Enterprise. 171 00:06:37,499 --> 00:06:40,498 And there is only one ass big enough to fill it! 172 00:06:40,499 --> 00:06:46,498 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. William Shatner! 173 00:06:46,499 --> 00:06:51,498 ♪ Ride Captain ride upon your mystery ship ♪ 174 00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:55,498 ♪ Be amazed at the friends ♪ 175 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:59,498 ♪ You have there on your trip ♪ 176 00:06:59,499 --> 00:07:05,498 ♪ Ride captain ride upon your mystery ship ♪ 177 00:07:05,499 --> 00:07:09,498 ♪ On your way to a world 178 00:07:09,499 --> 00:07:12,498 ♪ That others might have missed ♪ 179 00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:14,498 Thank you. 180 00:07:14,499 --> 00:07:16,498 ♪ Ride captain ride 181 00:07:16,499 --> 00:07:17,498 Thank you. 182 00:07:17,499 --> 00:07:19,498 ♪ Upon your mystery ship 183 00:07:19,499 --> 00:07:20,499 Now, that's an entrance. 184 00:07:21,499 --> 00:07:23,499 I'm here. 185 00:07:24,499 --> 00:07:28,499 I'm sitting. 186 00:07:29,499 --> 00:07:31,498 Bill, if may say, that chair fits you 187 00:07:31,499 --> 00:07:33,498 like your girdle from seasons 2 and 3. 188 00:07:33,499 --> 00:07:35,498 It was just beautiful. 189 00:07:35,499 --> 00:07:36,498 Beautiful. 190 00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:39,498 William Shatner was born in Montreal, Canada in 1931. 191 00:07:39,499 --> 00:07:40,498 The son of Jewish immigrants. 192 00:07:40,499 --> 00:07:44,499 That's right, folks, Captain Kirk is a Jew! 193 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:47,499 Whoo! 194 00:07:49,499 --> 00:07:50,498 L'Chaim, baby! 195 00:07:50,499 --> 00:07:51,498 You got it. 196 00:07:51,499 --> 00:07:53,498 Tell Mel Gibson to shove that photon torpedo 197 00:07:53,499 --> 00:07:55,498 right up his ass. 198 00:07:55,499 --> 00:07:56,499 [cheers and applause] 199 00:07:58,499 --> 00:08:01,083 But look who else is here from Star Trek. 200 00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:02,498 The wonderful--where is he, Mr. Sulu! 201 00:08:02,499 --> 00:08:04,499 Mr. George Takei! 202 00:08:06,499 --> 00:08:08,498 Right there on our dais. 203 00:08:08,499 --> 00:08:10,498 This is the only man who came out 204 00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:13,498 and had Out magazine say, "Who asked you?" 205 00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:14,499 Go back. In, go. 206 00:08:17,499 --> 00:08:18,498 And Lieutenant Uhura, 207 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:21,499 the lovely Nichelle Nichols is with us this evening. 208 00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:29,498 Out in the crowd tonight, we do have 209 00:08:29,499 --> 00:08:30,498 one of your co-stars from T.J. Hooker. 210 00:08:30,499 --> 00:08:33,498 The wonderful Adrian Zmed is here. 211 00:08:33,499 --> 00:08:35,499 There he is. 212 00:08:37,499 --> 00:08:39,498 Adrian, wanted to be on the dais, 213 00:08:39,499 --> 00:08:41,499 but we needed celebrities. 214 00:08:43,499 --> 00:08:46,498 Your other Hooker co-star Heather Locklear, 215 00:08:46,499 --> 00:08:47,498 the beautiful Heather Locklear. 216 00:08:47,499 --> 00:08:48,498 She wanted to come tonight. 217 00:08:48,499 --> 00:08:50,498 But she's dating David Spade now, 218 00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:53,499 and she may never come again, so... 219 00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:01,874 [cheers] 220 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,498 As for the people who did 221 00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:06,498 make it here tonight, we have a veritable... 222 00:09:06,499 --> 00:09:08,498 who's that of comedy. 223 00:09:08,499 --> 00:09:10,499 [laughter] 224 00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:13,498 They all share one thing in common, 225 00:09:13,499 --> 00:09:15,498 not one of them has ever met you, Bill. 226 00:09:15,499 --> 00:09:18,498 And I think that's why they're here. 227 00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:19,498 Because Bill Shatner, my friends, 228 00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:22,498 is a man who has millions of fans 229 00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:24,498 all around the world. 230 00:09:24,499 --> 00:09:26,498 All of them who continue to live with their parents. 231 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:29,498 And he is loved. 232 00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:31,499 Bill, as we all know, is an accomplished director. 233 00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:33,499 His masterpiece, of course, 234 00:09:34,499 --> 00:09:37,499 Star Trek 5: The Death of a Franchise. 235 00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:42,498 Five. 236 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,498 He's also a great humanitarian, 237 00:09:44,499 --> 00:09:45,498 ladies and gentlemen. 238 00:09:45,499 --> 00:09:50,498 For charity, this man sold his own kidney stone 239 00:09:50,499 --> 00:09:54,498 for $75,000. 240 00:09:54,499 --> 00:09:55,498 Most of us can't be bothered 241 00:09:55,499 --> 00:09:56,498 to sign a picture. 242 00:09:56,499 --> 00:09:58,498 This man gave a kidney stone. 243 00:09:58,499 --> 00:10:00,498 Next month, he auctioning off 244 00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:03,498 an anal cyst for Jerry's Kids, 245 00:10:03,499 --> 00:10:05,498 a benign mole for Katrina relief, 246 00:10:05,499 --> 00:10:06,792 and two feet of irritable bowel 247 00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:09,498 for the United Jewish Appeal. He's a giver! 248 00:10:09,499 --> 00:10:11,498 He is a giver, ladies and gentlemen. 249 00:10:11,499 --> 00:10:12,499 [cheers and applause] 250 00:10:14,499 --> 00:10:18,498 Bill, you are a powerful, and unique, and passionate man 251 00:10:18,499 --> 00:10:19,498 in everything you do. 252 00:10:19,499 --> 00:10:21,498 And one of the great joys in my life 253 00:10:21,499 --> 00:10:23,498 has been in meeting you and working with you. 254 00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:25,498 No one deserves to be in that chair 255 00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:27,498 more than you because no one else 256 00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:29,498 could have made it such a place of honor. 257 00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:30,498 So do live long and prosper, my friend. 258 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,498 And enjoy this evening. 259 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,499 Congratulations. 260 00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:41,498 Now let's bring up the first of many roasters 261 00:10:41,499 --> 00:10:43,498 to rip you a new asshole. 262 00:10:43,499 --> 00:10:46,499 Which you will no doubt donate to needy children. 263 00:10:48,499 --> 00:10:51,251 Our first roaster is here tonight 264 00:10:51,499 --> 00:10:52,498 only because he's Colombian 265 00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:53,498 and Andy Dick needed the cocaine. 266 00:10:53,499 --> 00:10:55,499 Mr. Greg Giraldo! 267 00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:07,498 Thank you, Pillsbury Jewboy! 268 00:11:07,499 --> 00:11:10,498 Jason, that was a refreshing change. 269 00:11:10,499 --> 00:11:11,498 These days, the only time you're funny 270 00:11:11,499 --> 00:11:13,499 is on a rerun. 271 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,498 You've done-- 272 00:11:16,499 --> 00:11:18,498 You've really tried to hang in there after Seinfeld. 273 00:11:18,499 --> 00:11:20,498 You had shows like Bob Patterson and Listen Up. 274 00:11:20,499 --> 00:11:22,499 Those shows disappeared faster than a bowl of Percocet 275 00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:25,499 at Farrah Fawcett's house. 276 00:11:32,499 --> 00:11:35,499 You've been in more turds than Andy Dick's penis. 277 00:11:44,499 --> 00:11:45,498 Look at his dais. 278 00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:48,498 Fat guys, old ladies, and an Asian. 279 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:51,499 I feel like I'm on a bus to Atlantic City. 280 00:11:56,499 --> 00:11:58,498 Look at this, Nichelle Nichols, 281 00:11:58,499 --> 00:12:00,498 Farrah Fawcett, and Betty White. 282 00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:02,498 Uh, I'll take women I would masturbate to 30 years ago 283 00:12:02,499 --> 00:12:04,499 for $1,000, Alex? 284 00:12:06,499 --> 00:12:08,499 What a-- 285 00:12:10,499 --> 00:12:12,499 What a-- 286 00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:14,498 What a cruel joke. 287 00:12:14,499 --> 00:12:16,498 Three women you'd want to fuck 30 years ago 288 00:12:16,499 --> 00:12:20,499 and one I wouldn't fuck 30 beers from now. 289 00:12:25,499 --> 00:12:28,499 Artie Lang, you... 290 00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:33,499 You fat, drunk slob. 291 00:12:34,499 --> 00:12:36,498 Artie, your liver has more holes in it 292 00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:38,499 than Mel Gibson's apology. 293 00:12:40,499 --> 00:12:42,498 Your liver's so black, Lisa Lampanelli 294 00:12:42,499 --> 00:12:43,498 tried to get it to fuck her up the ass 295 00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:45,499 and never call again. 296 00:12:50,499 --> 00:12:52,498 Artie, your pal George Takei is here. 297 00:12:52,499 --> 00:12:54,498 Sorry to pick on you, George. 298 00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:57,499 I know it couldn't be easy being a gay Japanese man 299 00:12:57,959 --> 00:12:59,498 in the '50s. 300 00:12:59,499 --> 00:13:00,498 I mean, it had to be almost impossible 301 00:13:00,499 --> 00:13:03,499 to pronounce "glory hole" with a Japanese accent. 302 00:13:06,499 --> 00:13:08,498 George, you'll be happy to know 303 00:13:08,499 --> 00:13:10,498 that Jeff Ross is here. 304 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,498 Jeff is such a huge asshole, 305 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,499 you won't have to spit on your dick first. 306 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,498 To our guest of honor now, 307 00:13:21,499 --> 00:13:23,498 the great William Shatner, everybody. 308 00:13:23,499 --> 00:13:25,499 Hi William. 309 00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:28,498 Bill, it's uh-- 310 00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,498 That was quite an entrance. 311 00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:32,498 When I heard someone was gonna come on a horse, 312 00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:35,498 I thought, "Wow, the network's really gonna let Andy Dick 313 00:13:35,499 --> 00:13:39,499 and Lisa Lampanelli get away with murder." 314 00:13:40,499 --> 00:13:42,499 You're the horse! 315 00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:47,498 Bill, you're not just brilliant 316 00:13:47,499 --> 00:13:49,498 and old and fat. 317 00:13:49,499 --> 00:13:51,498 You're--you're an inspiration. 318 00:13:51,499 --> 00:13:52,498 You proved that having no talent 319 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,499 can be seen as hip and ironic. 320 00:13:56,499 --> 00:14:00,499 You overact more than Betty White's bladder. 321 00:14:02,499 --> 00:14:05,498 Wow. Then, uh-- 322 00:14:05,499 --> 00:14:07,498 Then, of course, there was T.J. Hooker. 323 00:14:07,499 --> 00:14:09,498 The only thing I remember about that show 324 00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:11,498 was your hair and that hot chick what's-her-face, 325 00:14:11,499 --> 00:14:12,498 Adrian Zmed. 326 00:14:12,499 --> 00:14:13,498 What, uh-- 327 00:14:13,499 --> 00:14:16,499 What happened to her? 328 00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:20,498 You're a humanitarian. 329 00:14:20,499 --> 00:14:21,498 You work with a foundation to bring peace 330 00:14:21,499 --> 00:14:23,498 to the Middle East. 331 00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:25,498 And whatever it is you're doing, keep it up. 332 00:14:25,499 --> 00:14:29,498 'Cause it's really working. 333 00:14:29,499 --> 00:14:30,498 It's really working. 334 00:14:30,499 --> 00:14:33,498 [cheers and applause] 335 00:14:33,499 --> 00:14:35,498 You know, Bill, one of the most surreal parts of this business 336 00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:36,498 is that I get to stand here 337 00:14:36,499 --> 00:14:38,498 and make fun of a legend like you. 338 00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:40,498 You were an enormous part of my youth 339 00:14:40,499 --> 00:14:42,498 and you made Captain Kirk larger than life. 340 00:14:42,499 --> 00:14:44,498 And really, honestly no actor who's ever lived 341 00:14:44,499 --> 00:14:46,498 could have done more with that role. 342 00:14:46,499 --> 00:14:48,498 And the fact that you continue to crank out 343 00:14:48,499 --> 00:14:49,498 the best work you've done today, 344 00:14:49,499 --> 00:14:53,498 when statistically, you should be dead, 345 00:14:53,499 --> 00:14:56,498 is really really inspiring. Thank you very much. 346 00:14:56,499 --> 00:14:57,499 [cheers and applause] 347 00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:02,498 This--this is a fight to the death. 348 00:15:02,499 --> 00:15:04,498 (announcer) Coming up, on the Roast of William Shatner... 349 00:15:04,499 --> 00:15:06,498 People insult you. 350 00:15:06,499 --> 00:15:07,498 (announcer) Betty White... They wanna make fun of me. 351 00:15:07,499 --> 00:15:09,498 (announcer) Jeff Ross. They're beasts. 352 00:15:09,499 --> 00:15:10,498 (announcer) Farrah Fawcett. 353 00:15:10,499 --> 00:15:11,498 Just gonna be awful. 354 00:15:11,499 --> 00:15:12,498 (announcer) And Lisa Lampanelli. 355 00:15:12,499 --> 00:15:15,499 I expect no quarter, and I'm giving none. 356 00:15:22,595 --> 00:15:23,594 Our next guest is the only person 357 00:15:23,595 --> 00:15:24,594 on this stage who has fucked 358 00:15:24,595 --> 00:15:26,594 all four of the Marx Brothers. 359 00:15:26,595 --> 00:15:28,594 Ms. Betty White, ladies and gentlemen! 360 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,594 ♪ Oh, no, not I 361 00:15:30,595 --> 00:15:32,594 ♪ I will survive 362 00:15:32,595 --> 00:15:35,388 ♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪ 363 00:15:35,595 --> 00:15:36,594 ♪ I know I'm still alive 364 00:15:36,595 --> 00:15:37,594 ♪ I've got all my life to live ♪ 365 00:15:37,595 --> 00:15:40,595 Oh, thank you. 366 00:15:43,595 --> 00:15:45,595 Oh! 367 00:15:55,595 --> 00:15:59,595 And thank you so very much and good night. 368 00:16:01,595 --> 00:16:05,594 Oh, Jason Alexander, you are such a treat. 369 00:16:05,595 --> 00:16:09,595 You know, I was expecting you to be just dreadful. 370 00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:12,594 Well, in all fairness, 371 00:16:12,595 --> 00:16:16,595 I was basing that on everything you've ever done, but-- 372 00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:21,594 But isn't this just wonderful? 373 00:16:21,595 --> 00:16:23,594 I mean, all you youngsters 374 00:16:23,595 --> 00:16:26,595 getting together to tell naughty jokes. 375 00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,595 Oh. 376 00:16:29,595 --> 00:16:30,594 It's like the great roasts I went to 377 00:16:30,595 --> 00:16:33,594 in the good old days. 378 00:16:33,595 --> 00:16:35,594 Of course, you wouldn't have been 379 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,594 allowed in, Nichelle. 380 00:16:37,595 --> 00:16:41,595 Sorry. 381 00:16:47,595 --> 00:16:52,594 Oh, we had our fun. 382 00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:55,594 You know, I've been a huge Trekkie 383 00:16:55,595 --> 00:16:57,594 ever since the show first aired. 384 00:16:57,595 --> 00:16:59,594 And that's why I'm so thrilled to see Nichelle 385 00:16:59,595 --> 00:17:02,594 and George Takei here tonight. 386 00:17:02,595 --> 00:17:05,594 'Cause, let's face it-- 387 00:17:05,595 --> 00:17:09,594 we all know Shatner's nuts. 388 00:17:09,595 --> 00:17:13,595 But George has actually tasted them. 389 00:17:24,595 --> 00:17:26,594 Whoo! 390 00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:28,594 Oh, it always makes me laugh 391 00:17:28,595 --> 00:17:32,594 when I see Artie Lang onstage, 392 00:17:32,595 --> 00:17:35,595 knowing I'm gonna outlive him. 393 00:17:38,595 --> 00:17:40,594 Oh, no, no. 394 00:17:40,595 --> 00:17:41,594 No. 395 00:17:41,595 --> 00:17:44,594 Oh, but you know who I love. 396 00:17:44,595 --> 00:17:47,594 Look at that Patton Oswalt. 397 00:17:47,595 --> 00:17:49,594 So adorable. 398 00:17:49,595 --> 00:17:52,595 He's like a plump little troll. 399 00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:58,595 Backstage I caught him going up on Farrah Fawcett. 400 00:18:03,595 --> 00:18:07,594 Oh, Farrah, you know I don't mean any of this. 401 00:18:07,595 --> 00:18:10,594 I feel such a special connection to you, Farrah. 402 00:18:10,595 --> 00:18:11,971 I'm in my 80s, 403 00:18:12,595 --> 00:18:16,595 and that's the last decade you mattered. 404 00:18:21,595 --> 00:18:25,594 And who else is here tonight? 405 00:18:25,595 --> 00:18:27,594 Uh, where's Spock? 406 00:18:27,595 --> 00:18:29,594 And James Spader? 407 00:18:29,595 --> 00:18:31,595 And Bones and Scotty and... 408 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,594 Oh, Bill, all your friends 409 00:18:34,595 --> 00:18:37,595 are either dead or they hate you. 410 00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,594 To be fair, I'm a little of column A 411 00:18:41,595 --> 00:18:43,595 and a little of column B. 412 00:18:46,595 --> 00:18:49,594 But you look great. 413 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:54,595 You know, they make 1% milk now. 414 00:19:01,595 --> 00:19:02,594 Darling, you were supposed to 415 00:19:02,595 --> 00:19:05,594 explore the galaxy. 416 00:19:05,595 --> 00:19:07,595 Not fill it. 417 00:19:09,595 --> 00:19:11,594 All joking aside, 418 00:19:11,595 --> 00:19:13,594 Bill can be quite a charmer. 419 00:19:13,595 --> 00:19:15,594 I'm not ashamed to say 420 00:19:15,595 --> 00:19:17,595 that I once had sex with Bill Shatner. 421 00:19:20,595 --> 00:19:21,595 [cheering] 422 00:19:28,595 --> 00:19:31,594 Oh, you should have seen him sweating and grunting 423 00:19:31,595 --> 00:19:34,595 and so red in the face and wheezing. 424 00:19:35,595 --> 00:19:39,594 Finally, I said, "Bill, you better hurry up and finish. 425 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,595 In two minutes, they're gonna start the roast." 426 00:19:49,595 --> 00:19:51,594 Of course, I'm still joking. 427 00:19:51,595 --> 00:19:53,594 Bill is a happily married man. 428 00:19:53,595 --> 00:19:57,594 I caught the bouquet at Bill's wedding. 429 00:19:57,595 --> 00:19:59,594 And I hope I'm still around to catch the cock ring 430 00:19:59,595 --> 00:20:01,595 at Sulu's. 431 00:20:08,595 --> 00:20:12,594 Bill, the truth is, I dearly love you. 432 00:20:12,595 --> 00:20:15,594 I've always admired you as an actor. 433 00:20:15,595 --> 00:20:19,594 I think you're funny and smart and kind. 434 00:20:19,595 --> 00:20:21,594 And I was so excited when I found out 435 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:26,594 I'd be working with you on Boston Legal. 436 00:20:26,595 --> 00:20:29,594 Till I worked with you on Boston Legal. 437 00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:31,595 Good night! 438 00:20:42,595 --> 00:20:43,594 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 439 00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:47,595 the roastmaster general, Mr. Jeffrey Ross! 440 00:20:55,595 --> 00:20:58,594 All right. 441 00:20:58,595 --> 00:21:01,594 Thank you, Artie. 442 00:21:01,595 --> 00:21:04,594 Artie's here just to finish people's drinks. 443 00:21:04,595 --> 00:21:06,594 [laughter] 444 00:21:06,595 --> 00:21:07,595 That's good, you're like the Chris Farley 445 00:21:08,595 --> 00:21:10,594 of satellite radio. 446 00:21:10,595 --> 00:21:11,595 [laughter] 447 00:21:13,595 --> 00:21:15,594 Jason Alexander. 448 00:21:15,595 --> 00:21:16,594 Sir. 449 00:21:16,595 --> 00:21:18,594 You clearly come from the planet Trying-too-hard. 450 00:21:18,595 --> 00:21:20,595 [laughter] 451 00:21:22,595 --> 00:21:23,594 You sing, you dance, you act. 452 00:21:23,595 --> 00:21:26,595 You do everything but make people laugh. 453 00:21:28,595 --> 00:21:31,595 But I did love you in March of the Penguins. 454 00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:37,595 Yeah! 455 00:21:38,595 --> 00:21:39,594 As many of you know, 456 00:21:39,595 --> 00:21:42,594 last year Comedy Central threw a very successful roast 457 00:21:42,595 --> 00:21:43,594 of Pamela Anderson. 458 00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:45,594 And this year, in keeping with that tradition, 459 00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:48,595 we're roasting another bad actor with big tits. 460 00:21:53,595 --> 00:21:55,594 Look at you! 461 00:21:55,595 --> 00:21:56,594 Look at you, Shatner. 462 00:21:56,595 --> 00:21:59,595 You have let yourself boldly go. 463 00:22:02,595 --> 00:22:03,594 When did you go from Captain Kirk 464 00:22:03,595 --> 00:22:05,595 to Captain Crunch? 465 00:22:07,595 --> 00:22:10,595 You left T.J. Hooker and went to P.F. Chang's! 466 00:22:14,595 --> 00:22:17,595 You work at Boston Legal or Boston Market? 467 00:22:19,555 --> 00:22:20,594 If Scotty tried to beam you up now, 468 00:22:20,595 --> 00:22:22,595 you'd break the fucking transporter. 469 00:22:24,595 --> 00:22:27,594 But I must admit I am the world's biggest 470 00:22:27,595 --> 00:22:28,594 Star Trek fan. 471 00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:30,594 I've seen every episode a million times. 472 00:22:30,595 --> 00:22:32,594 And I always wished just once... 473 00:22:32,595 --> 00:22:33,594 Just once that spaceship of yours 474 00:22:33,595 --> 00:22:36,595 would land on a planet with an acting school. 475 00:22:39,595 --> 00:22:41,594 You sound like you forgot... 476 00:22:41,595 --> 00:22:43,595 your fucking... lines. 477 00:22:45,595 --> 00:22:49,594 And now you play a guy with Alzheimer's? 478 00:22:49,595 --> 00:22:50,595 That's a fucking lucky break, huh? 479 00:22:54,595 --> 00:22:56,594 Hey, if ain't broke, 480 00:22:56,595 --> 00:22:58,595 don't fix it, you know what I'm saying? 481 00:23:02,595 --> 00:23:04,594 But seriously, this is such a huge honor for me 482 00:23:04,595 --> 00:23:09,594 to be roasting the spokesman for priceline.com. 483 00:23:09,595 --> 00:23:13,595 Who we roasting next year, the Travelocity gnome? 484 00:23:15,595 --> 00:23:17,594 What happened, we couldn't get the lizard from GEICO 485 00:23:17,595 --> 00:23:19,595 up in this motherfucker? 486 00:23:22,595 --> 00:23:24,594 Anyway, speaking of Shatner, 487 00:23:24,595 --> 00:23:27,595 Betty White just shat in her pants. 488 00:23:32,595 --> 00:23:34,594 All right, Farrah Fawcett, let's face it. 489 00:23:34,595 --> 00:23:36,594 Farrah, the truth is my whole life 490 00:23:36,595 --> 00:23:38,594 I had that poster of you. 491 00:23:38,595 --> 00:23:40,594 And as a kid I would always 492 00:23:40,595 --> 00:23:42,594 masturbate to it, hoping that I wouldn't go blind. 493 00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:46,595 And now that I see you in person... 494 00:23:48,595 --> 00:23:50,595 What the fuck? It's a roast! 495 00:23:52,595 --> 00:23:54,594 Betty White, can you explain the jokes 496 00:23:54,595 --> 00:23:58,594 to Farrah, please? 497 00:23:58,595 --> 00:23:59,594 After last year's roast, 498 00:23:59,595 --> 00:24:02,594 Andy Dick kissed my girlfriend's hand. 499 00:24:02,595 --> 00:24:04,595 40 minutes later, she was dead. 500 00:24:09,595 --> 00:24:10,594 Andy Dick's sole mission in life 501 00:24:10,595 --> 00:24:12,595 is to give AIDS back to the monkeys. 502 00:24:21,595 --> 00:24:22,594 No, the truth is, Mr. Shatner, 503 00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:25,262 growing up I always had a strong distrust 504 00:24:25,263 --> 00:24:27,595 for both Klingons and Puerto Ricans. 505 00:24:28,388 --> 00:24:31,594 But watching Star Trek taught me 506 00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:32,594 it doesn't matter whether you're black or white 507 00:24:32,595 --> 00:24:34,594 or blue or green 508 00:24:34,595 --> 00:24:36,594 or an old washed-up bag like Betty White. 509 00:24:36,595 --> 00:24:38,594 We all want the same things in life 510 00:24:38,595 --> 00:24:40,594 and that's to live long and prosper. 511 00:24:40,595 --> 00:24:41,594 I love you, man. 512 00:24:41,595 --> 00:24:43,595 Nanu Nanu. 513 00:24:49,595 --> 00:24:51,594 (announcer) Coming up, Artie Lang, 514 00:24:51,595 --> 00:24:52,594 Fred Willard, 515 00:24:52,595 --> 00:24:53,595 and Sandra Bullock. 516 00:24:55,686 --> 00:24:57,685 Hi, I'm Sandra Bullock. 517 00:24:57,686 --> 00:24:59,685 And I worked with William Shatner 518 00:24:59,686 --> 00:25:01,685 on the Miss Congeniality movies. 519 00:25:01,686 --> 00:25:03,685 You know, I think it is so great 520 00:25:03,686 --> 00:25:05,685 that everyone got together to salute Bill 521 00:25:05,686 --> 00:25:07,685 and have some laughs at his expense. 522 00:25:07,686 --> 00:25:11,685 But, you know, please, please don't be too mean 523 00:25:11,686 --> 00:25:12,685 to him tonight. 524 00:25:12,686 --> 00:25:16,685 'Cause the truth is, Bill is a nice, sweet... 525 00:25:16,686 --> 00:25:18,685 kindhearted old man. 526 00:25:18,686 --> 00:25:21,685 And it's really not cool to make fun of the elderly 527 00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:23,685 and the feeble. 528 00:25:23,686 --> 00:25:25,685 And the incontinent. 529 00:25:25,686 --> 00:25:26,685 And everything else that Bill is. 530 00:25:26,686 --> 00:25:28,685 Just, you know, just try to be sensitive 531 00:25:28,686 --> 00:25:32,685 to how it must feel to be so close to death 532 00:25:32,686 --> 00:25:34,685 and addlebrained. 533 00:25:34,686 --> 00:25:36,686 I mean, half the time on the set of 534 00:25:37,104 --> 00:25:40,685 Miss Congeniality... 535 00:25:40,686 --> 00:25:43,685 Wow. This is hard.. 536 00:25:43,686 --> 00:25:45,685 Bill thought he was on the deck 537 00:25:45,686 --> 00:25:46,685 of the Enterprise. 538 00:25:46,686 --> 00:25:50,685 And...for some reason, he'd walk up behind me 539 00:25:50,686 --> 00:25:52,685 and he'd cup my buttocks with his hands 540 00:25:52,686 --> 00:25:54,685 and call me Sulu. 541 00:25:54,686 --> 00:25:56,685 And each day at 2:30, 542 00:25:56,686 --> 00:25:57,685 he had to go back to his trailer 543 00:25:57,686 --> 00:26:00,685 with his nurse, who was this really nice guy 544 00:26:00,686 --> 00:26:03,685 named Darnell, for a medical procedure 545 00:26:03,686 --> 00:26:04,685 known as milking the prostate. 546 00:26:04,686 --> 00:26:08,685 And I can't begin to imagine how uncomfortable 547 00:26:08,686 --> 00:26:10,685 that was for Bill. 548 00:26:10,686 --> 00:26:13,685 Because Darnell had what could only be described 549 00:26:13,686 --> 00:26:17,685 as these, like, penis-sized fingers. 550 00:26:17,686 --> 00:26:18,685 You know, and Bill, he's just... 551 00:26:18,686 --> 00:26:21,685 He faces each of these challenges 552 00:26:21,686 --> 00:26:23,685 with dignity and good humor. 553 00:26:23,686 --> 00:26:26,685 So...again, 554 00:26:26,686 --> 00:26:29,685 just go easy on the old coot. 555 00:26:29,686 --> 00:26:31,686 Thank you. 556 00:26:34,686 --> 00:26:35,685 Our next guest, ladies and gentlemen, 557 00:26:35,686 --> 00:26:36,685 is multi-talented. 558 00:26:36,686 --> 00:26:38,685 He can black out and shit his pants 559 00:26:38,686 --> 00:26:41,686 all at the same time, Mr. Artie Lange! 560 00:26:45,686 --> 00:26:46,685 What's up? 561 00:26:46,686 --> 00:26:49,686 Anybody else drinking or wha--? 562 00:26:51,686 --> 00:26:53,685 Jason Alexander, my man. 563 00:26:53,686 --> 00:26:54,685 How you doing? 564 00:26:54,686 --> 00:26:56,685 Jason is a committed actor. 565 00:26:56,686 --> 00:26:58,685 Jason went from doing a show about nothing 566 00:26:58,686 --> 00:27:00,686 to actually doing nothing. 567 00:27:03,686 --> 00:27:05,685 What do you say to someone who played an icon? 568 00:27:05,686 --> 00:27:09,685 Someone who played a character in science fiction history 569 00:27:09,686 --> 00:27:11,685 that was one of the best ever, 570 00:27:11,686 --> 00:27:15,685 and then gains a lot of weight and becomes embarrassing? 571 00:27:15,686 --> 00:27:18,686 You say, "What happened, Carrie Fisher?" 572 00:27:25,686 --> 00:27:26,685 George Takei is here, my friend 573 00:27:26,686 --> 00:27:28,685 from The Howard Stern Show. 574 00:27:28,686 --> 00:27:29,686 The great George Takei. 575 00:27:32,686 --> 00:27:34,685 I'm friends with George and we've hung out before. 576 00:27:34,686 --> 00:27:36,685 It's hard hanging out with a gay guy all day, 577 00:27:36,686 --> 00:27:38,685 because you always feel like you have to adjust 578 00:27:38,686 --> 00:27:40,685 the conversation so they can relate to it, you know? 579 00:27:40,686 --> 00:27:41,685 Like with George, I go, 580 00:27:41,686 --> 00:27:43,685 "So, George, I was watching the Super Bowl-- 581 00:27:43,686 --> 00:27:45,686 I mean sucking cock." 582 00:27:49,686 --> 00:27:52,685 Andy, good to see you're doing well. 583 00:27:52,686 --> 00:27:54,685 A few years ago, Andy was loaded 584 00:27:54,686 --> 00:27:57,685 while he was driving his car and he rammed into a pole. 585 00:27:57,686 --> 00:27:58,685 This is a big turnaround for Andy, 586 00:27:58,686 --> 00:27:59,685 'cause usually when he's loaded 587 00:27:59,686 --> 00:28:01,686 a pole is getting rammed into him. 588 00:28:06,686 --> 00:28:08,685 Lisa Lampanelli, my friend. 589 00:28:08,686 --> 00:28:11,686 Lisa, you're an overweight, annoying female comic. 590 00:28:12,686 --> 00:28:13,685 You're seven horrible movies away from 591 00:28:13,686 --> 00:28:16,686 being Janeane Garofalo. 592 00:28:19,686 --> 00:28:21,685 A lot of people might say, "Art, why hit Janeane? 593 00:28:21,686 --> 00:28:23,685 She's not here to defend herself." 594 00:28:23,686 --> 00:28:24,685 And the answer is simple. 595 00:28:24,686 --> 00:28:26,686 I've met Jeanine Garofalo, and she's a fucking cunt. 596 00:28:32,686 --> 00:28:33,685 Kevin Pollak's here. 597 00:28:33,686 --> 00:28:35,685 Kevin's here 'cause he just does every hacky impression 598 00:28:35,686 --> 00:28:36,685 in the world. 599 00:28:36,686 --> 00:28:37,685 You're not gonna see him again 600 00:28:37,686 --> 00:28:40,685 unless Comedy Central roasts Peter Falk. 601 00:28:40,686 --> 00:28:42,686 [laughter] 602 00:28:45,686 --> 00:28:46,685 But William Shatner's here. 603 00:28:46,686 --> 00:28:48,770 Let's get to the great William Shatner. 604 00:28:49,686 --> 00:28:50,685 Bill, I hate to say it, but I was never 605 00:28:50,686 --> 00:28:51,685 a Star Trek fan. 606 00:28:51,686 --> 00:28:52,685 When I was a kid, I had weird interests 607 00:28:52,686 --> 00:28:55,686 like football, baseball, chasing pussy. 608 00:28:59,686 --> 00:29:00,685 Bill and I have a lot in common. 609 00:29:00,686 --> 00:29:01,685 Bill was on T.J. Hooker, 610 00:29:01,686 --> 00:29:04,686 and I once banged a hooker named T.J. 611 00:29:07,686 --> 00:29:09,685 Shatner's a hero to a legion of Star Trek fans. 612 00:29:09,686 --> 00:29:10,685 What do they call themselves again? 613 00:29:10,686 --> 00:29:12,686 Oh, yeah, queers. 614 00:29:14,686 --> 00:29:17,685 And Trekkies are not the best with women. 615 00:29:17,686 --> 00:29:19,685 Shatner's responsible for more people 616 00:29:19,686 --> 00:29:21,686 not getting laid than impotence. 617 00:29:23,686 --> 00:29:24,685 But, Bill, listen, I love ya. 618 00:29:24,686 --> 00:29:26,685 This is the part where we're supposed to say thank you. 619 00:29:26,686 --> 00:29:28,685 You're on The Howard Stern Show quite a bit, 620 00:29:28,686 --> 00:29:29,685 and we love having you there. 621 00:29:29,686 --> 00:29:30,685 And I say this from the bottom of my heart, 622 00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:32,685 go fuck yourself. 623 00:29:32,686 --> 00:29:35,686 Salut. 624 00:29:40,686 --> 00:29:43,685 Bill Shatner, uh, you are one of our greatest actors. 625 00:29:43,686 --> 00:29:48,685 And I think I'm quoting you correctly there, am I? 626 00:29:48,686 --> 00:29:50,685 You--you are a legend. 627 00:29:50,686 --> 00:29:52,685 And again, I hate to be a nitpicker, 628 00:29:52,686 --> 00:29:53,685 but you misspelled legend here. 629 00:29:53,686 --> 00:29:55,685 It's L-E-G-- 630 00:29:55,686 --> 00:29:58,685 Good evening, Bill. 631 00:29:58,686 --> 00:30:02,685 Of course, in the famous 1968 episode of Star Trek, 632 00:30:02,686 --> 00:30:04,685 Billy boy and I shared 633 00:30:04,686 --> 00:30:07,685 an on-screen kiss that made history. 634 00:30:07,686 --> 00:30:10,685 And I'll never forget 635 00:30:10,686 --> 00:30:13,685 what Bill said to me after that kiss. 636 00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:18,685 Eh, Sulu...uses... more...tongue. 637 00:30:18,686 --> 00:30:21,685 [laughter] 638 00:30:21,686 --> 00:30:25,685 Now, Bill, what do you say? 639 00:30:25,686 --> 00:30:30,685 Let's make a little more TV history. 640 00:30:30,686 --> 00:30:31,685 [cheers] 641 00:30:31,686 --> 00:30:33,685 And kiss my black ass. 642 00:30:33,686 --> 00:30:34,685 [laughter] 643 00:30:34,686 --> 00:30:35,685 (announcer) Coming up... 644 00:30:35,686 --> 00:30:38,685 William Shatner is not his real name. 645 00:30:38,686 --> 00:30:39,685 (announcer) Andy Dick. 646 00:30:39,686 --> 00:30:40,685 You'll know more later. 647 00:30:40,686 --> 00:30:42,686 (announcer) Farrah Fawcett and Ben Stiller. 648 00:30:43,827 --> 00:30:45,826 Hey, Bill. Ben Stiller here. 649 00:30:45,827 --> 00:30:47,826 I got a call about your big roast tonight. 650 00:30:47,827 --> 00:30:49,826 And they asked me if could make some time to stop by. 651 00:30:49,827 --> 00:30:52,826 And you know what? No, I can't. 652 00:30:52,827 --> 00:30:53,826 Too busy. Know why? 653 00:30:53,827 --> 00:30:56,826 Because in 1975, you didn't make the time 654 00:30:56,827 --> 00:30:58,826 to send me the autographed Captain Kirk picture 655 00:30:58,827 --> 00:31:00,826 that I wrote and politely asked for. 656 00:31:00,827 --> 00:31:03,826 Instead, you sent me this letter. 657 00:31:03,827 --> 00:31:05,826 Which I saved. 658 00:31:05,827 --> 00:31:07,826 And really actually had a very... 659 00:31:07,827 --> 00:31:09,826 Very big impact on me. 660 00:31:09,827 --> 00:31:12,826 "Dear Ben Shit-for-brains, 661 00:31:12,827 --> 00:31:15,826 nice fucking letter, dick lick." 662 00:31:15,827 --> 00:31:17,826 I was ten. 663 00:31:17,827 --> 00:31:19,826 "I assume you wrote me for an autograph, 664 00:31:19,827 --> 00:31:20,826 "but I'm not sure because I can't read 665 00:31:20,827 --> 00:31:22,826 "one word of your chicken scratch. 666 00:31:22,827 --> 00:31:24,826 "Did you stick that crayon in your ass 667 00:31:24,827 --> 00:31:25,826 and squat over the page?" 668 00:31:25,827 --> 00:31:28,826 How drunk were you when you wrote this letter? 669 00:31:28,827 --> 00:31:30,826 Huh? In that hotel room? 670 00:31:30,827 --> 00:31:32,826 Surrounded by whores and pills. 671 00:31:32,827 --> 00:31:34,826 And all the bad thoughts that just couldn't be 672 00:31:34,827 --> 00:31:38,826 washed away by any mind-altering substance. 673 00:31:38,827 --> 00:31:39,826 "Why don't you go grab dad's crowbar 674 00:31:39,827 --> 00:31:41,826 "and pop your head out of your ass 675 00:31:41,827 --> 00:31:43,826 and check out my new show Barbary Coast." 676 00:31:43,827 --> 00:31:44,826 Oh, that was a gem. 677 00:31:44,827 --> 00:31:46,826 "It's about action and adventure 678 00:31:46,827 --> 00:31:49,826 "in Old West San Francisco, which is the perfect town 679 00:31:49,827 --> 00:31:52,826 "for a mincy little tea bag like you. 680 00:31:52,827 --> 00:31:55,826 "Or better yet, save a stamp and call up George Takei. 681 00:31:55,827 --> 00:31:56,826 "It would make his day knowing 682 00:31:56,827 --> 00:31:58,826 "that a 10-year-old boy wants some photos from him. 683 00:31:58,827 --> 00:32:01,826 "And I'm sure he'd want some of you right back. 684 00:32:01,827 --> 00:32:03,826 "Warmest regards, Bill Shatner. 685 00:32:03,827 --> 00:32:05,826 CC: Gene Roddenberry." 686 00:32:05,827 --> 00:32:06,826 You know what, Bill? 687 00:32:06,827 --> 00:32:09,826 I did contact Mr. Takei. Yeah. 688 00:32:09,827 --> 00:32:11,826 And he invited me over to his place. 689 00:32:11,827 --> 00:32:14,826 And then he told me his lap was a transporter 690 00:32:14,827 --> 00:32:16,826 and it would beam me to heaven. 691 00:32:16,827 --> 00:32:19,826 So that worked out great for me. 692 00:32:19,827 --> 00:32:23,827 Um... 693 00:32:23,870 --> 00:32:26,826 Shame on you, Sulu. 694 00:32:26,827 --> 00:32:27,826 Yeah, I know you're there. 695 00:32:27,827 --> 00:32:29,826 Shame on you. 696 00:32:29,827 --> 00:32:31,827 Don't look around, 'cause it's right here. 697 00:32:32,203 --> 00:32:34,826 And it's never going away. 698 00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:36,826 Um, seriously, Bill, have a great night. 699 00:32:36,827 --> 00:32:38,454 You've always been a hero of mine. 700 00:32:38,827 --> 00:32:39,826 I'm a huge fan. 701 00:32:39,827 --> 00:32:41,826 And in words of one Enterprise crew member 702 00:32:41,827 --> 00:32:42,826 who doesn't wear a girdle, 703 00:32:42,827 --> 00:32:47,827 live long and prosper. 704 00:32:51,827 --> 00:32:52,826 Ladies and gentlemen, 705 00:32:52,827 --> 00:32:56,827 Farrah Fawcett is here tonight. 706 00:33:00,827 --> 00:33:02,826 And she's here for a very special reason. 707 00:33:02,827 --> 00:33:04,826 She lives under the stage. 708 00:33:04,827 --> 00:33:07,827 Ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett! 709 00:33:17,827 --> 00:33:20,826 Wow. 710 00:33:20,827 --> 00:33:22,826 [laughing] 711 00:33:22,827 --> 00:33:26,826 I don't think I can do this. 712 00:33:26,827 --> 00:33:31,826 Jason, can you come back up here please? 713 00:33:31,827 --> 00:33:32,826 I'm--sorry, I changed my mind. 714 00:33:32,827 --> 00:33:34,826 I--I can't do this. 715 00:33:34,827 --> 00:33:36,826 What, you... 716 00:33:36,827 --> 00:33:38,826 I just--I can't be mean to people. 717 00:33:38,827 --> 00:33:40,826 Oh, Farrah, it's easy. Roasting someone is easy. 718 00:33:40,827 --> 00:33:42,826 You just look 'em in the eye 719 00:33:42,827 --> 00:33:45,827 and you say something mean about them. 720 00:33:46,827 --> 00:33:46,827 Like you're bald? 721 00:33:47,827 --> 00:33:48,826 Yeah, not me. Not me. 722 00:33:48,827 --> 00:33:50,826 And beady-eyed. 723 00:33:50,827 --> 00:33:51,826 No, Farrah, not me. Not me. 724 00:33:51,827 --> 00:33:53,826 Now, listen, no, you're supposed to go after Bill. 725 00:33:53,827 --> 00:33:54,826 Go after Bill. 726 00:33:54,827 --> 00:33:55,826 But I... 727 00:33:55,827 --> 00:33:58,826 I was always told that if you can't 728 00:33:58,827 --> 00:33:59,826 say anything nice... 729 00:33:59,827 --> 00:34:02,826 don't say anything at all. Really? 730 00:34:02,827 --> 00:34:03,826 Well... 731 00:34:03,827 --> 00:34:05,826 Well, okay, there was one strange moment. 732 00:34:05,827 --> 00:34:06,826 All right. 733 00:34:06,827 --> 00:34:08,826 I was going into the ladies' room, 734 00:34:08,827 --> 00:34:11,826 Bill was coming out, and I said, 735 00:34:11,827 --> 00:34:14,826 "Bill, what were you doing in there? 736 00:34:14,827 --> 00:34:17,826 And why are you looking so bloated tonight?" 737 00:34:17,827 --> 00:34:18,826 And he said, "My name's not Bill, 738 00:34:18,827 --> 00:34:20,826 it's Lisa Lamanetti. Lam... 739 00:34:20,827 --> 00:34:22,826 Oh, Lampanelli! Yes! 740 00:34:22,827 --> 00:34:23,826 Yes. 741 00:34:23,827 --> 00:34:25,826 Yes. 742 00:34:25,827 --> 00:34:26,826 (Farrah) I'm so s...I can't... 743 00:34:26,827 --> 00:34:27,826 (Jason) No, you know what? 744 00:34:27,827 --> 00:34:29,826 She was probably so crocked at the time, 745 00:34:29,827 --> 00:34:31,826 she said "Lamanelli" and, uh, yes. 746 00:34:31,827 --> 00:34:32,826 No, no, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure that's what she said. 747 00:34:32,827 --> 00:34:34,826 Lampanelli. Wow. 748 00:34:34,827 --> 00:34:35,826 Sorry. 749 00:34:35,827 --> 00:34:36,826 I'm good, aren't I? 750 00:34:36,827 --> 00:34:38,826 Yes, yes! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. 751 00:34:38,827 --> 00:34:39,826 You're having fun, right? 752 00:34:39,827 --> 00:34:41,826 Yeah, I probably won't remember any of it. 753 00:34:41,827 --> 00:34:45,826 That's right. Tomorrow. 754 00:34:45,827 --> 00:34:48,826 No, I'm glad that you got me to stay. 755 00:34:48,827 --> 00:34:49,826 It is my pleasure. I'm glad you're here. 756 00:34:49,827 --> 00:34:52,826 Yeah. I did it for you. 757 00:34:52,827 --> 00:34:53,826 Of course. Yeah. 758 00:34:53,827 --> 00:34:55,826 And all jokes aside, I really think that 759 00:34:55,827 --> 00:34:58,826 you're wonderful. I do. 760 00:34:58,827 --> 00:34:59,826 And you and I have a lot in common. 761 00:34:59,827 --> 00:35:02,826 We were both known for our hair. 762 00:35:02,827 --> 00:35:03,826 And our boobs. 763 00:35:03,827 --> 00:35:06,827 And we both fucked Lee Majors. 764 00:35:08,827 --> 00:35:12,826 But, Bill, what I really... and I do, appreciate, 765 00:35:12,827 --> 00:35:13,826 is your singing. 766 00:35:13,827 --> 00:35:16,826 I loved your last CD, Has Been, 767 00:35:16,827 --> 00:35:18,826 which was originally titled 768 00:35:18,827 --> 00:35:21,826 Has Been See... 769 00:35:21,827 --> 00:35:23,826 Has Been... Okay. 770 00:35:23,827 --> 00:35:27,826 Has Been-- Okay. 771 00:35:27,827 --> 00:35:27,827 Do it again! Okay! 772 00:35:28,827 --> 00:35:29,826 I really loved your CD. 773 00:35:29,827 --> 00:35:32,826 It was originally titled... 774 00:35:32,827 --> 00:35:34,826 Okay, I'm not on anything. I mean it. 775 00:35:34,827 --> 00:35:35,826 Now, stop it right now. 776 00:35:35,827 --> 00:35:38,826 I can do this on the natch. On the natch. 777 00:35:38,827 --> 00:35:40,826 Okay, I loved your last CD. 778 00:35:40,827 --> 00:35:44,826 Which was originally titled Has Been Drinking Since Noon. 779 00:35:44,827 --> 00:35:45,826 Yeah! There you go. 780 00:35:45,827 --> 00:35:48,827 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 781 00:35:51,827 --> 00:35:52,826 With your permission, 782 00:35:52,827 --> 00:35:55,826 I think we should show some clips 783 00:35:55,827 --> 00:36:00,826 of your so-called singing career performances. 784 00:36:00,827 --> 00:36:01,826 Okay? 785 00:36:01,827 --> 00:36:03,826 I do love you. 786 00:36:03,827 --> 00:36:06,826 She packed my bags... 787 00:36:06,827 --> 00:36:11,826 last night, pre-flight. 788 00:36:11,827 --> 00:36:16,827 Zero hour. 9:00 AM. 789 00:36:18,827 --> 00:36:21,827 And I'm gonna be... high... 790 00:36:26,827 --> 00:36:28,826 as a kite by then. 791 00:36:28,827 --> 00:36:33,826 ♪ Keep it gay, keep it light Keep it fresh, keep it fair ♪ 792 00:36:33,827 --> 00:36:36,826 ♪ Let it bloom every night Give it room ♪ 793 00:36:36,827 --> 00:36:38,826 Never stand still, keep it moving. 794 00:36:38,827 --> 00:36:40,826 ♪ Keep your love a lovely dream ♪ 795 00:36:40,827 --> 00:36:41,826 ♪ And never wake it 796 00:36:41,827 --> 00:36:44,826 Come on, Mike. ♪ Keep it gay, keep it gay 797 00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:46,826 ♪ Keep it gay 798 00:36:46,827 --> 00:36:52,827 ♪ Keep it gay, keep it gay, Keep it gay ♪ 799 00:36:55,827 --> 00:36:57,826 Rocket man. 800 00:36:57,827 --> 00:37:02,827 Burning out his fuse out here...alone. 801 00:37:03,827 --> 00:37:07,826 I think it's gonna be a long, long time 802 00:37:07,827 --> 00:37:10,827 till touchdown bring me round again and find 803 00:37:11,827 --> 00:37:13,826 I'm not the man they think I am at home. 804 00:37:13,827 --> 00:37:16,826 Oh, no, no, no. 805 00:37:16,827 --> 00:37:19,827 I'm a rocket man. 806 00:37:21,827 --> 00:37:28,826 ♪ I go flying so high when I'm stoned ♪ 807 00:37:28,827 --> 00:37:31,827 ♪ When I'm stoned 808 00:37:33,827 --> 00:37:36,826 ♪ And I think it's gonna be a long long time ♪ 809 00:37:36,827 --> 00:37:39,826 ♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find ♪ 810 00:37:39,827 --> 00:37:42,826 ♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home ♪ 811 00:37:42,827 --> 00:37:45,826 ♪ Oh, no, no, no 812 00:37:45,827 --> 00:37:48,826 I'm a rock it man. 813 00:37:48,827 --> 00:37:50,826 Rocket man. 814 00:37:50,827 --> 00:37:53,827 Burnin' out his fuse out here alone. 815 00:37:58,827 --> 00:38:00,827 Mr. Tambourine man. 816 00:38:02,827 --> 00:38:07,826 In a jingle... jangle mornin'... 817 00:38:07,827 --> 00:38:12,826 I'll come following you. 818 00:38:12,827 --> 00:38:13,826 Hey. 819 00:38:13,827 --> 00:38:16,827 Hey, Mr. Tambourine man. 820 00:38:20,827 --> 00:38:22,827 Mr. Tambourine man. 821 00:38:24,827 --> 00:38:26,827 Mr. Tambourine man. 822 00:38:31,827 --> 00:38:36,827 Mr. Tambourine man! 823 00:38:48,827 --> 00:38:50,826 I took off the Andy Dick costume, 824 00:38:50,827 --> 00:38:56,826 and I got more comfortable. 825 00:38:56,827 --> 00:39:00,827 My real true name is Andy Kock. 826 00:39:02,827 --> 00:39:04,826 That's Kock with a K. 827 00:39:04,827 --> 00:39:07,826 It's actually a combination of two names, 828 00:39:07,827 --> 00:39:10,826 Kirk and Spock. 829 00:39:10,827 --> 00:39:11,826 Confused? 830 00:39:11,827 --> 00:39:13,826 I brought a little something 831 00:39:13,827 --> 00:39:14,826 that just might shed some light. 832 00:39:14,827 --> 00:39:17,826 The actual Captain's Log. 833 00:39:17,827 --> 00:39:20,826 "I was just exiting the shower tonight 834 00:39:20,827 --> 00:39:23,826 "when Spock entered my quarters. 835 00:39:23,827 --> 00:39:26,826 "He stared at me hungrily. 836 00:39:26,827 --> 00:39:30,827 "Like Lieutenant Uhura eyeing a plate of ribs." 837 00:39:32,827 --> 00:39:35,826 "I said, 'Spock! 838 00:39:35,827 --> 00:39:40,826 'Why aren't you... manning... your post?'" 839 00:39:40,827 --> 00:39:42,827 That's the best I can do. 840 00:39:44,827 --> 00:39:47,286 "'Captain, when was the last time 841 00:39:47,287 --> 00:39:51,827 you had your bunghole vulcanized?'" 842 00:39:54,827 --> 00:39:55,826 "He mounted me. 843 00:39:55,827 --> 00:39:58,826 "Boldly going where only... 844 00:39:58,827 --> 00:40:01,827 a few guys back in college had gone before." 845 00:40:03,827 --> 00:40:07,826 "For a being with no emotions, 846 00:40:07,827 --> 00:40:09,826 "his meat hammer sure seemed to be 847 00:40:09,827 --> 00:40:11,827 angry with my butt." 848 00:40:13,827 --> 00:40:17,826 "Spock did give me the reach around. 849 00:40:17,827 --> 00:40:22,826 Or as he called it, the Vulcan taint pinch." 850 00:40:22,827 --> 00:40:25,826 "Then he fired off his photon torpedoes 851 00:40:25,827 --> 00:40:28,827 deep inside my worm hole." 852 00:40:29,827 --> 00:40:30,826 Ladies and gentlemen, 853 00:40:30,827 --> 00:40:33,826 our... 854 00:40:33,827 --> 00:40:36,826 guest of honor... 855 00:40:36,827 --> 00:40:38,827 was impregnated. 856 00:40:40,827 --> 00:40:45,826 I am the illegitimate butt baby 857 00:40:45,827 --> 00:40:50,826 of Kirk and Spock. 858 00:40:50,827 --> 00:40:52,826 Kock! 859 00:40:52,827 --> 00:40:53,827 And, Mom? 860 00:40:57,827 --> 00:40:59,826 Even though you abandoned me, 861 00:40:59,827 --> 00:41:04,826 I...I love you. 862 00:41:04,827 --> 00:41:08,827 And congratulations on your big night. 863 00:41:09,827 --> 00:41:11,826 (announcer) Coming up, Patton Oswalt. 864 00:41:11,827 --> 00:41:12,826 All right, sit down, Courtney! 865 00:41:12,827 --> 00:41:14,827 Seriously, please-- oh, God! 866 00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:20,975 You know, I just wanna stop the show 867 00:41:20,976 --> 00:41:22,269 for a second to say something. 868 00:41:22,976 --> 00:41:23,975 Lisa, I am glad you're here. 869 00:41:23,976 --> 00:41:27,975 Last year Lisa Lampanelli had a polyp 870 00:41:27,976 --> 00:41:29,561 removed from her colon. 871 00:41:29,976 --> 00:41:31,975 And now I'd like to introduce that polyp, 872 00:41:31,976 --> 00:41:33,728 Patton Oswalt, ladies and gentlemen! 873 00:41:41,976 --> 00:41:44,975 I'm here to talk about... 874 00:41:44,976 --> 00:41:47,975 William Shatner. 875 00:41:47,976 --> 00:41:50,975 Listen to that name. Shatner! 876 00:41:50,976 --> 00:41:52,975 Shatner sounds like 877 00:41:52,976 --> 00:41:56,975 the barbaric yawp of a Viking's cock 878 00:41:56,976 --> 00:41:58,975 as it splits a mighty elm into kindling 879 00:41:58,976 --> 00:42:01,975 that you build a roaring bonfire 880 00:42:01,976 --> 00:42:05,975 and then cook meat over that you fill your belly with 881 00:42:05,976 --> 00:42:09,976 after you ass rape an ice giant. 882 00:42:12,976 --> 00:42:16,975 That's what your name sounds like. 883 00:42:16,976 --> 00:42:20,975 By the way, Andy, I saw that new Jessica Simpson video. 884 00:42:20,976 --> 00:42:22,975 The one where you lick the roller skate? 885 00:42:22,976 --> 00:42:27,975 I never thought I'd feel bad for a roller skate. 886 00:42:27,976 --> 00:42:28,975 What the... 887 00:42:28,976 --> 00:42:29,975 All right, sit down, Courtney. 888 00:42:29,976 --> 00:42:32,975 Seriously, please. Oh, God. 889 00:42:32,976 --> 00:42:35,975 Oh, Jesus Christ! 890 00:42:35,976 --> 00:42:38,975 Wow! 891 00:42:38,976 --> 00:42:40,976 See you in ten years, erections. 892 00:42:50,976 --> 00:42:51,975 Cable Ace nominee Kevin Pollak, 893 00:42:51,976 --> 00:42:52,976 ladies and gentlemen, right over there. 894 00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:58,975 Used to, uh... 895 00:42:58,976 --> 00:43:00,975 Former host of Celebrity Poker Showdown. 896 00:43:00,976 --> 00:43:02,975 How the fuck do you get fired from a job 897 00:43:02,976 --> 00:43:04,975 where all you gotta do is say, "Nice fold, Coolio"? 898 00:43:04,976 --> 00:43:07,975 How does that happen? 899 00:43:07,976 --> 00:43:08,976 Good God. 900 00:43:11,976 --> 00:43:13,975 Carrie Fisher. 901 00:43:13,976 --> 00:43:15,975 Carrie Fisher, ladies and gentlemen. 902 00:43:15,976 --> 00:43:17,975 As a nerd, 903 00:43:17,976 --> 00:43:19,976 you really are... 904 00:43:20,976 --> 00:43:22,975 In that gold bikini in Return of the Jedi. 905 00:43:22,976 --> 00:43:24,975 Jesus God in heaven. 906 00:43:24,976 --> 00:43:25,975 Wow! 907 00:43:25,976 --> 00:43:29,975 Yes. 908 00:43:29,976 --> 00:43:30,976 Yeah. 909 00:43:33,976 --> 00:43:35,976 Oh, jeez. 910 00:43:42,976 --> 00:43:46,976 You just got a kiss from Jabba the fag. 911 00:43:48,976 --> 00:43:51,975 You are so... so good in that gold bikini. 912 00:43:51,976 --> 00:43:52,976 And then what happened? 913 00:43:53,976 --> 00:43:54,975 When they yelled "cut" did you have 914 00:43:54,976 --> 00:43:57,976 a Vicodin-eating contest with Chewbacca? 915 00:43:59,976 --> 00:44:02,975 Take it from a nerd, let the wookie win, okay? 916 00:44:02,976 --> 00:44:04,975 I feel very good about that joke 917 00:44:04,976 --> 00:44:06,975 because the message board I tried it out on 918 00:44:06,976 --> 00:44:09,975 gave me an LMFAOW... 919 00:44:09,976 --> 00:44:15,975 uh, IHAP, uh, FEF... um... 920 00:44:15,976 --> 00:44:19,975 AAMM, uh, IMD, 921 00:44:19,976 --> 00:44:26,975 um, YAMIRDMR, uh...FBNA, 922 00:44:26,976 --> 00:44:28,975 which as Brian Posehn'll tell you means 923 00:44:28,976 --> 00:44:30,975 Laughing My Figurative Ass Off 924 00:44:30,976 --> 00:44:32,975 While I Have a Boba Fett Action Figure 925 00:44:32,976 --> 00:44:34,975 In My Real Ass and My Mom Yells at Me 926 00:44:34,976 --> 00:44:37,976 to Turn Down my Rush Fly By Night Album. 927 00:44:46,976 --> 00:44:49,975 George Takei came out of the closet. 928 00:44:49,976 --> 00:44:51,975 By the way, when you came out of the closet, 929 00:44:51,976 --> 00:44:53,975 did the door go... [Enterprise door sound] 930 00:44:53,976 --> 00:44:56,976 when that happened? 931 00:44:58,976 --> 00:45:01,975 Farrah Fawcett, you look so hot tonight. 932 00:45:01,976 --> 00:45:04,976 I'm serious, you are so smoking hot. 933 00:45:05,976 --> 00:45:06,975 You really are. 934 00:45:06,976 --> 00:45:07,975 Although, keep in mind, 935 00:45:07,976 --> 00:45:10,976 batshit crazy gives me a boner, so... 936 00:45:12,976 --> 00:45:14,976 Although--what the... 937 00:45:24,976 --> 00:45:26,975 Why do I feel like Courtney Love 938 00:45:26,976 --> 00:45:30,976 killed Andy Dick and put his skin on? 939 00:45:38,976 --> 00:45:39,975 Lisa Lampanelli. 940 00:45:39,976 --> 00:45:41,975 The queen of mean. 941 00:45:41,976 --> 00:45:46,976 Or as the kids call you, the insult comic dog. 942 00:45:47,976 --> 00:45:50,975 Lisa Lampanelli has fucked more black men 943 00:45:50,976 --> 00:45:52,976 than the Tuskegee experiments. 944 00:45:54,976 --> 00:45:56,975 Don't groan at that, she does very well. 945 00:45:56,976 --> 00:45:59,975 Do you know how much bling gets left in Lisa's snatch? 946 00:45:59,976 --> 00:46:02,975 It's like a pawn show down there. 947 00:46:02,976 --> 00:46:06,976 Yesterday Carlos Mencia tried to rob it. 948 00:46:12,976 --> 00:46:15,976 Luckily, he passed out from the smell. 949 00:46:16,976 --> 00:46:17,975 William, look-- 950 00:46:17,976 --> 00:46:19,975 I didn't really pick on you that much. 951 00:46:19,976 --> 00:46:21,975 As a nerd, it really is a big deal 952 00:46:21,976 --> 00:46:22,975 for me to be up here. 953 00:46:22,976 --> 00:46:24,975 It's hard for me to write anything mean about you. 954 00:46:24,976 --> 00:46:26,975 This means a lot to me. 955 00:46:26,976 --> 00:46:28,975 I'm gonna go now. 956 00:46:28,976 --> 00:46:29,975 But before I leave, 957 00:46:29,976 --> 00:46:31,975 just settle a bet for me and my friends. 958 00:46:31,976 --> 00:46:32,975 Could you, uh... 959 00:46:32,976 --> 00:46:36,975 Could you act your way out of this for me really quick? 960 00:46:36,976 --> 00:46:37,975 No? 961 00:46:37,976 --> 00:46:38,975 Folks, thank you very much. 962 00:46:38,976 --> 00:46:40,976 And thank you, William Shatner. 963 00:46:45,976 --> 00:46:46,975 (announcer) Coming up, George Takei 964 00:46:46,976 --> 00:46:47,975 and Lisa Lampanelli. 965 00:46:47,976 --> 00:46:50,976 I thought you dated Lance. 966 00:46:53,147 --> 00:46:57,146 They say behind every great man is a great woman. 967 00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:58,147 Unless you're our next guest. 968 00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:01,146 Behind him is another creepy old gay dude. 969 00:47:01,147 --> 00:47:03,146 George Takei, ladies and gentlemen! 970 00:47:03,147 --> 00:47:04,147 Georgie! 971 00:47:10,147 --> 00:47:15,146 I've got a few things to say about this bloated, 972 00:47:15,147 --> 00:47:22,146 washed up, pathetic, no talent, bald hack. 973 00:47:22,147 --> 00:47:25,147 Jason, great job tonight. 974 00:47:30,147 --> 00:47:34,147 And a great job last night too. 975 00:47:41,147 --> 00:47:42,147 [clears throat] 976 00:47:44,147 --> 00:47:48,146 Look at all the talent we have in this room tonight. 977 00:47:48,147 --> 00:47:50,146 Farrah Fawcett, Betty White, 978 00:47:50,147 --> 00:47:54,146 Lisa Lampanelli. 979 00:47:54,147 --> 00:47:58,147 It smells like pussy in here. 980 00:48:02,147 --> 00:48:07,147 I think. 981 00:48:12,147 --> 00:48:16,146 Andy Dick is here tonight. 982 00:48:16,147 --> 00:48:18,146 As a fellow gay man, 983 00:48:18,147 --> 00:48:21,146 even I have to say 984 00:48:21,147 --> 00:48:25,147 Andy, tone it down a little. 985 00:48:27,147 --> 00:48:29,146 And I have to say a special hello 986 00:48:29,147 --> 00:48:32,147 to my cuddly muffin, Artie Lange. 987 00:48:36,147 --> 00:48:40,146 Speaking of fat alcoholics... 988 00:48:40,147 --> 00:48:42,147 Good evening, Bill. 989 00:48:44,147 --> 00:48:47,146 My name is George Takei. 990 00:48:47,147 --> 00:48:50,146 Not Tak"eye", as you've insisted on pronouncing it 991 00:48:50,147 --> 00:48:53,147 for the last 40 years. 992 00:48:56,147 --> 00:49:01,147 Remember--Takei, like in toupee. 993 00:49:04,147 --> 00:49:06,146 All night long, 994 00:49:06,147 --> 00:49:12,146 I've had to stare at that tangled, sticky, messy 995 00:49:12,147 --> 00:49:14,147 clump of fur. 996 00:49:15,147 --> 00:49:17,147 Farrah, please close your legs! 997 00:49:18,147 --> 00:49:19,146 [laughter] 998 00:49:19,147 --> 00:49:21,146 Oh, no. 999 00:49:21,147 --> 00:49:23,147 Oh, no. 1000 00:49:25,147 --> 00:49:29,147 At least Betty White had the decency to shave. 1001 00:49:36,147 --> 00:49:38,146 Bill, there are so many things about you 1002 00:49:38,147 --> 00:49:40,146 that I can make fun of. 1003 00:49:40,147 --> 00:49:43,146 Like your...acting. 1004 00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:48,147 Your acting is the only thing that makes me want to gag. 1005 00:49:51,147 --> 00:49:53,146 If I could only get my partner 1006 00:49:53,147 --> 00:49:58,147 to suck that hard, I'd never leave my chateau. 1007 00:50:06,147 --> 00:50:09,146 Of course, I'm only kidding, Bill. 1008 00:50:09,147 --> 00:50:13,146 Bill is a generous actor. 1009 00:50:13,147 --> 00:50:15,147 He gave Nichelle Nichols herpes. 1010 00:50:20,147 --> 00:50:22,147 [George laughs] 1011 00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:27,146 Ladies and gentlemen, 1012 00:50:27,147 --> 00:50:28,147 the first-- Give me a kiss. 1013 00:50:47,147 --> 00:50:52,146 But if Artie's my cuddly muffin, Bill, 1014 00:50:52,147 --> 00:50:56,146 you are a rich, gooey Devil's food cake 1015 00:50:56,147 --> 00:50:59,146 that I want to drop my face into and go... 1016 00:50:59,147 --> 00:51:00,147 [makes raspberry sounds] 1017 00:51:14,147 --> 00:51:16,146 So... 1018 00:51:16,147 --> 00:51:18,146 despite our tensions, 1019 00:51:18,147 --> 00:51:20,146 I am honored that you invited me 1020 00:51:20,147 --> 00:51:22,146 to be here with you tonight. 1021 00:51:22,147 --> 00:51:29,146 I can finally say what I've waited 40 years to say. 1022 00:51:29,147 --> 00:51:33,147 Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on! 1023 00:51:42,147 --> 00:51:45,147 Good night. 1024 00:51:54,147 --> 00:51:57,146 (announcer) Coming up, Lisa Lampanelli and William Shatner. 1025 00:51:57,147 --> 00:51:59,146 Be kind. 1026 00:51:59,147 --> 00:52:00,147 If you can't be kind, be lousy. 1027 00:52:03,225 --> 00:52:06,224 Our final roaster gave up a promising football career 1028 00:52:06,225 --> 00:52:08,224 to become a horrible comedian. 1029 00:52:08,225 --> 00:52:09,224 So many black guys 1030 00:52:09,225 --> 00:52:12,224 have been inside this woman, she calls her pussy 1031 00:52:12,225 --> 00:52:15,225 "Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles." 1032 00:52:16,225 --> 00:52:20,018 Lisa Lampanelli! 1033 00:52:20,225 --> 00:52:23,224 ♪ She's a brick house 1034 00:52:23,225 --> 00:52:25,224 Oh, thank you! 1035 00:52:25,225 --> 00:52:28,224 Come on, clap it up for Jason Alexander. 1036 00:52:28,225 --> 00:52:31,224 Come on, Mr. Potato Head. 1037 00:52:31,225 --> 00:52:33,224 I like you, Jason Alexander. 1038 00:52:33,225 --> 00:52:36,224 I find you sexy. I'd make out with you. 1039 00:52:36,225 --> 00:52:37,224 Kiss me, you fat fag. 1040 00:52:37,225 --> 00:52:38,224 I've always wanted to see 1041 00:52:38,225 --> 00:52:41,225 what Jerry Seinfield's cock tastes like. 1042 00:52:46,225 --> 00:52:47,224 We are here tonight to honor 1043 00:52:47,225 --> 00:52:51,224 show business legend William Shatner. 1044 00:52:51,225 --> 00:52:54,060 [cheers and applause] As you all know, 1045 00:52:54,225 --> 00:52:56,224 William Shatner is an author too. 1046 00:52:56,225 --> 00:52:57,224 I've read your writing. 1047 00:52:57,225 --> 00:52:59,224 It sucks out loud. 1048 00:52:59,225 --> 00:53:01,224 Put it this way. 1049 00:53:01,225 --> 00:53:03,225 Your next project should be a suicide note. 1050 00:53:06,225 --> 00:53:08,224 I'm kidding, William Shatner. 1051 00:53:08,225 --> 00:53:09,224 Don't kill yourself. 1052 00:53:09,225 --> 00:53:11,224 Then Uhura over there 1053 00:53:11,225 --> 00:53:13,225 won't have anyone's house to clean. 1054 00:53:18,225 --> 00:53:20,224 I kid. I love you, Nichelle. 1055 00:53:20,225 --> 00:53:22,224 Or as they called you on the Enterprise-- 1056 00:53:22,225 --> 00:53:24,225 Mammy. 1057 00:53:28,225 --> 00:53:31,224 William Shatner is not only a TV star 1058 00:53:31,225 --> 00:53:33,224 and a "writer." 1059 00:53:33,225 --> 00:53:37,224 As a singer, he is beyond compare. 1060 00:53:37,225 --> 00:53:38,224 It's true. 1061 00:53:38,225 --> 00:53:42,224 When Elton John heard William Shatner sing Rocket Man, 1062 00:53:42,225 --> 00:53:45,225 he spit George Takei's dick out of his mouth. 1063 00:53:50,225 --> 00:53:53,224 Being Japanese and gay isn't all bad, right, George? 1064 00:53:53,225 --> 00:53:54,224 It has it's benefits. 1065 00:53:54,225 --> 00:53:56,224 You can bow down to say hello 1066 00:53:56,225 --> 00:53:58,225 and take it in the ass at the same time. 1067 00:54:04,225 --> 00:54:08,225 But enough about the Chinaman. 1068 00:54:10,225 --> 00:54:13,224 Jeff Ross is so unlikable that on myspace 1069 00:54:13,225 --> 00:54:15,225 even Tom won't be his friend. 1070 00:54:23,225 --> 00:54:25,224 Sorry for all the salty language tonight, Betty White. 1071 00:54:25,225 --> 00:54:27,224 Betty White is a class act. 1072 00:54:27,225 --> 00:54:29,224 A real lady. 1073 00:54:29,225 --> 00:54:32,224 [cheers] It's true! 1074 00:54:32,225 --> 00:54:33,224 Betty White is so old 1075 00:54:33,225 --> 00:54:35,224 that on her first game show ever, 1076 00:54:35,225 --> 00:54:38,224 the grand prize was fire. 1077 00:54:38,225 --> 00:54:40,225 [cheers and applause] 1078 00:54:52,225 --> 00:54:55,224 Don't you laugh at no elderly jokes, Shatner. 1079 00:54:55,225 --> 00:54:56,224 You're 75. 1080 00:54:56,225 --> 00:55:00,224 William Shatner's ball bag hangs so low, 1081 00:55:00,225 --> 00:55:03,225 he has to hold it when he takes a shit. 1082 00:55:04,225 --> 00:55:09,224 How does anyone that mediocre get to be in that many movies? 1083 00:55:09,225 --> 00:55:12,225 Seriously, Kevin Pollak, how does that happen? 1084 00:55:16,225 --> 00:55:18,224 Speaking of things that blow, 1085 00:55:18,225 --> 00:55:21,224 hi, Andy Dick. 1086 00:55:21,225 --> 00:55:23,224 Andy Dick is so gay, 1087 00:55:23,225 --> 00:55:26,225 his Chapstick is cock flavored. 1088 00:55:29,225 --> 00:55:33,224 Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny. 1089 00:55:33,225 --> 00:55:34,225 [laughter] 1090 00:55:41,225 --> 00:55:46,224 But enough about this poo pusher. 1091 00:55:46,225 --> 00:55:51,224 Tonight William Shatner is our guest of honor. 1092 00:55:51,225 --> 00:55:55,224 Mr. Shatner has starred in some amazing television shows. 1093 00:55:55,225 --> 00:55:59,224 T.J. Hooker was not one of them. 1094 00:55:59,225 --> 00:56:01,224 What a piece of crap. 1095 00:56:01,225 --> 00:56:03,224 I tried to TiVo T.J Hooker, 1096 00:56:03,225 --> 00:56:06,225 but my TiVo suggested I punch myself in the cunt. 1097 00:56:13,225 --> 00:56:17,224 In closing, I would like to thank you, William Shatner, 1098 00:56:17,225 --> 00:56:20,224 for letting me make fun of you tonight. 1099 00:56:20,225 --> 00:56:23,224 You are an icon who is loved the world over. 1100 00:56:23,225 --> 00:56:27,224 And you're an inspiration to performers everywhere. 1101 00:56:27,225 --> 00:56:30,224 William Shatner is living proof 1102 00:56:30,225 --> 00:56:33,224 that if you are talented and nice, 1103 00:56:33,225 --> 00:56:36,224 you can work forever in this business. 1104 00:56:36,225 --> 00:56:39,224 Luckily for me, if you're neither-- 1105 00:56:39,225 --> 00:56:40,224 pffft, fuck it. 1106 00:56:40,225 --> 00:56:42,224 You can still be on Comedy Central. 1107 00:56:42,225 --> 00:56:46,224 Thank you, William Shatner. I love you very much. 1108 00:56:46,225 --> 00:56:48,225 [cheers and applause] 1109 00:56:52,225 --> 00:56:55,224 (announcer) Up next, are you ready for some Shatner? 1110 00:56:55,225 --> 00:56:56,224 Nobody's ever ready. 1111 00:56:56,225 --> 00:56:59,224 Go to comedycentral.com for uncensored clips 1112 00:56:59,225 --> 00:57:01,225 and exclusive red carpet footage. 1113 00:57:04,451 --> 00:57:06,450 And now, ladies and gentlemen, 1114 00:57:06,451 --> 00:57:10,450 the only person on this stage who's actually employed. 1115 00:57:10,451 --> 00:57:12,450 A man who is a national treasure. 1116 00:57:12,451 --> 00:57:13,451 In Canada. 1117 00:57:13,953 --> 00:57:18,450 A man...with balls the size of... 1118 00:57:18,451 --> 00:57:21,450 well, giant old man balls. 1119 00:57:21,451 --> 00:57:23,450 Captain, my captain. 1120 00:57:23,451 --> 00:57:25,450 It's time to address your crew! 1121 00:57:25,451 --> 00:57:29,450 The man of the hour, Mr. William Shatner! 1122 00:57:29,451 --> 00:57:32,450 [Elton John's Rocket Man] 1123 00:57:32,451 --> 00:57:36,450 ♪ 1124 00:57:36,451 --> 00:57:38,450 Oh, my. 1125 00:57:38,451 --> 00:57:40,450 ♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time ♪ 1126 00:57:40,451 --> 00:57:42,786 Oh, wow. 1127 00:57:43,451 --> 00:57:45,451 Oh, my God. 1128 00:57:45,911 --> 00:57:48,450 No, it was bad. 1129 00:57:48,451 --> 00:57:49,450 It was bad as I thought it was gonna be. 1130 00:57:49,451 --> 00:57:52,450 Painful. Painful. 1131 00:57:52,451 --> 00:57:53,450 How's the hair? 1132 00:57:53,451 --> 00:57:56,450 The hair is good? The hair is good, okay. 1133 00:57:56,451 --> 00:57:58,450 Oh--thank you so much. I appreciate that. 1134 00:57:58,451 --> 00:58:03,450 The only thing that really, uh, hurts my feelings about tonight 1135 00:58:03,451 --> 00:58:06,450 is that you people just weren't funny. 1136 00:58:06,451 --> 00:58:08,450 [laughter] 1137 00:58:08,451 --> 00:58:11,450 And I gave you so much to work with. 1138 00:58:11,451 --> 00:58:12,450 You could've said something like, 1139 00:58:12,451 --> 00:58:15,450 "Shatner's such a cheap Jew, he only beamed himself up 1140 00:58:15,451 --> 00:58:17,450 after 7:00 when the rates are lower." 1141 00:58:17,451 --> 00:58:19,450 See, that's funny. 1142 00:58:19,451 --> 00:58:21,450 That's why I have a level of success. 1143 00:58:21,451 --> 00:58:26,450 Success that, based on what I've seen tonight, 1144 00:58:26,451 --> 00:58:28,450 none of you will ever achieve, all right? 1145 00:58:28,451 --> 00:58:31,450 Well, unless Lisa Lampanelli wins the Kentucky Derby, 1146 00:58:31,451 --> 00:58:33,450 then you have success. 1147 00:58:33,451 --> 00:58:35,450 George, Nichelle, 1148 00:58:35,451 --> 00:58:37,450 it's really great to see you. 1149 00:58:37,451 --> 00:58:39,450 Because of our work together 1150 00:58:39,451 --> 00:58:41,450 on the bridge of the fabled Enterprise, 1151 00:58:41,451 --> 00:58:44,450 it broke a lot of stereotypes. 1152 00:58:44,451 --> 00:58:45,451 Not only did we take a chance 1153 00:58:45,619 --> 00:58:49,450 and allow an Asian gentleman to drive... 1154 00:58:49,451 --> 00:58:51,450 [laughter] 1155 00:58:51,451 --> 00:58:54,450 We-- 1156 00:58:54,451 --> 00:58:56,450 We had a black woman sitting in front of a large screen 1157 00:58:56,451 --> 00:59:00,450 who didn't yell things at it. 1158 00:59:00,451 --> 00:59:03,450 George, I had no idea 1159 00:59:03,451 --> 00:59:04,450 it would be so rough on you tonight. 1160 00:59:04,451 --> 00:59:07,450 They really ripped you a new one. 1161 00:59:07,451 --> 00:59:11,450 I'm sure you'll find use for it though. 1162 00:59:11,451 --> 00:59:15,451 The guy's been trying to suck my cock for 40 years. 1163 00:59:16,451 --> 00:59:17,450 George, for the last time, 1164 00:59:17,451 --> 00:59:21,451 I will not let you suck my cock! 1165 00:59:24,451 --> 00:59:27,451 And Nichelle, thank you very much. 1166 00:59:31,451 --> 00:59:33,450 And Greg Giraldo, you don't matter. 1167 00:59:33,451 --> 00:59:35,450 You're inconsequential. 1168 00:59:35,451 --> 00:59:37,450 You're nothing but a faceless drone. 1169 00:59:37,451 --> 00:59:38,450 If this were an episode of Star Trek, 1170 00:59:38,451 --> 00:59:41,450 you'd be wearing a red shirt and would've been killed by now. 1171 00:59:41,451 --> 00:59:43,451 [cheers and applause] 1172 00:59:47,451 --> 00:59:50,450 Kevin Pollak. 1173 00:59:50,451 --> 00:59:51,450 I'm glad my vast talents 1174 00:59:51,451 --> 00:59:52,451 have been able to make you rich. 1175 00:59:55,451 --> 00:59:56,450 You've got more out of doing me 1176 00:59:56,451 --> 00:59:57,450 than any woman I've ever slept with. 1177 00:59:57,451 --> 00:59:59,450 And that includes your wife! 1178 00:59:59,451 --> 01:00:03,450 So good for you. 1179 01:00:03,451 --> 01:00:05,450 Fred Willard, I've been watching your career for many years 1180 01:00:05,451 --> 01:00:07,450 and I can honestly say, 1181 01:00:07,451 --> 01:00:10,450 I don't get it. 1182 01:00:10,451 --> 01:00:12,450 You're just so dry. 1183 01:00:12,451 --> 01:00:15,450 If you were any drier, you'd be in Betty White's underwear. 1184 01:00:15,451 --> 01:00:17,451 [audience groaning] 1185 01:00:22,451 --> 01:00:23,450 And of course, Farrah Fawcett is here. 1186 01:00:23,451 --> 01:00:25,450 And I think it's time someone told her. 1187 01:00:25,451 --> 01:00:27,450 Farrah's a wonderful actress. 1188 01:00:27,451 --> 01:00:30,450 She did that great movie The Burning Bed. 1189 01:00:30,451 --> 01:00:32,450 Not to be confused with Andy Dick's project, 1190 01:00:32,451 --> 01:00:35,450 The Burning Butt. 1191 01:00:35,451 --> 01:00:36,450 Which has been showcased in clinics 1192 01:00:36,451 --> 01:00:39,450 throughout Los Angeles and Tijuana. 1193 01:00:39,451 --> 01:00:41,450 And speaking of donkeys-- 1194 01:00:41,451 --> 01:00:43,450 Get 'em, Shatner. 1195 01:00:43,451 --> 01:00:46,450 Lisa... 1196 01:00:46,451 --> 01:00:48,450 you are one supremely funny lady. 1197 01:00:48,451 --> 01:00:52,450 [cheers and applause] 1198 01:00:52,451 --> 01:00:55,450 But you'd be a-- a much better performer 1199 01:00:55,451 --> 01:00:58,451 if every time you got on a roll, you didn't stop to eat it. 1200 01:00:59,451 --> 01:01:03,450 Which brings me... 1201 01:01:03,451 --> 01:01:05,450 to our host, Jason Alexander. Thank you so much. 1202 01:01:05,451 --> 01:01:08,450 Your work here is done, my friend. [cheers] 1203 01:01:08,451 --> 01:01:12,451 Jason said he was inspired by me. 1204 01:01:13,451 --> 01:01:14,450 Why is everyone who's inspired by me 1205 01:01:14,451 --> 01:01:18,451 such a fat fucking loser, I don't know. 1206 01:01:19,451 --> 01:01:21,450 You know, I look back on this amazing evening, 1207 01:01:21,451 --> 01:01:23,450 I can't help but think to myself, 1208 01:01:23,451 --> 01:01:25,450 "Who the hell are you people? 1209 01:01:25,451 --> 01:01:28,450 Where do you get the nerve to make fun of me? 1210 01:01:28,451 --> 01:01:30,450 What have you ever done?" 1211 01:01:30,451 --> 01:01:32,450 Do you know who I am? 1212 01:01:32,451 --> 01:01:34,450 I'm William Tiberius Shatner. 1213 01:01:34,451 --> 01:01:36,451 [cheers and applause] 1214 01:01:37,451 --> 01:01:38,450 Damn right. 1215 01:01:38,451 --> 01:01:42,450 I've saved the universe hundreds of times! 1216 01:01:42,451 --> 01:01:44,450 I've created characters that will stand the test of time. 1217 01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:46,450 I've been to space! 1218 01:01:46,451 --> 01:01:51,450 [Star Trek theme music] The final frontier. 1219 01:01:51,451 --> 01:01:56,450 These are the voyages on the starship Enterprise. 1220 01:01:56,451 --> 01:01:58,450 The five-year mission: 1221 01:01:58,451 --> 01:02:01,450 to seek out new life and new civilizations. 1222 01:02:01,451 --> 01:02:05,450 To boldly go where no man has gone before! 1223 01:02:05,451 --> 01:02:09,450 Home to whack off to Lisa Lampanelli. 1224 01:02:09,451 --> 01:02:11,450 Good night! 1225 01:02:11,451 --> 01:02:13,450 [Star Trek theme music] 1226 01:02:13,451 --> 01:02:15,450 [cheers and applause] 1227 01:02:15,451 --> 01:02:22,450 ♪ 1228 01:02:22,451 --> 01:02:25,451 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 1229 01:02:33,496 --> 01:02:36,495 so if you guys like sound and one camera, 1230 01:02:36,496 --> 01:02:39,495 I could do something out of my house. 1231 01:02:39,496 --> 01:02:41,495 It might work. 1232 01:02:41,496 --> 01:02:43,495 There's three black guys with camera equipment. 1233 01:02:43,496 --> 01:02:45,495 Like this shit ain't stolen. 1234 01:02:45,496 --> 01:02:47,495 Yeah, I'm sorry, Bill. They made me do it. 1235 01:02:47,496 --> 01:02:48,495 Thank you. 1236 01:02:48,496 --> 01:02:50,495 I took it like a man. 1237 01:02:50,496 --> 01:02:52,495 If anybody needs to apologize to anybody, 1238 01:02:52,496 --> 01:02:54,495 he should apologize for making me do this. 1239 01:02:54,496 --> 01:02:56,495 Piece of crap. I never liked them. 1240 01:02:56,496 --> 01:02:58,495 Thank you! I'll see you outside. 1241 01:02:59,496 --> 01:03:00,496 Assholes!89298