Original subtitles

This is the biggest cock I've ever fucked.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for letting me explore strange, huge cock.

Nick.

Yeah.

Honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

You're still pissed off at me.

Well... you said you would do it.

Nick, It's a goddamn sex party, okay?

I don't mind fantasizing about this,

but I don't want to open my legs for some guy that I don't know.

But you agreed.

After, after months of fantasizing together,

you telling me those stories, you finally gave in.

Oh, that's just it.

You're wearing me down with this.

Where'd you get those stories?

Did you do any of that stuff?

Maybe.

Why can't we have intimacy together?

Why does there always have to be another person involved?

I, I'm just fucked up.

Why don't you want to be intimate

with just me?

But I do want that with you.

It's just with me, the intimacy comes after you have sex with another man.

I think...

You think what?

I'm just dying to watch you get fucked.

Then you want me to watch you.

It's just an excuse to cheat.

No. Yes.

No.

I would so love that.

Please cheat on me, then tell me about it.

But I, I, I don't know. I don't need to go to these parties to find another woman.

I have all the women I can handle in you.

It's just that what gets me off...

...makes another man commit murder.

Why are you like this?

I'm a pervert.

Well, it's not normal.

-Okay? -Oh, fuck normal!

What is that? I only do it in the bread and butter?

The missionary? Three thrusts and a bust?

I can still fuck for hours. I'm ravenous.

Even after I come, I can still keep it going as long as I keep it moving.

I need...

...to take our sex life

to a higher gear.

I'm just...

...dying to watch you get fucked and sucked cock.

You're so fucking good at it.

Well, thank you.

I've studied it.

So you want me to be a slut?

No. Yes. No. No!

My shrink, Dr. Kuntz, says he's heard a lot worse,

that most guys like this sort of thing,

but I-- only I have the guts to admit it.

Well, let Dr. Kuntz do it, then.

Please.

Do this for me, just this once.

Okay, I'll think about it.

But I have to pick the guy.

Malcolm, it's you.

Did you graduate high school yet?

High school?

-I graduated college. -College?

-Where did you go? -Harvard. 4.0.

-What did you major in? -Political science.

Political science. Wow. What made you get into that?

Well, there's a lot of injustice against my people,

and I want to be in a position to change that.

How inspiring.

-Hey, will you pull my arms? -Oh.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

Is this good?

Thank you. Yes.

-Would you mind cracking my back, too? -Yeah.

Hey, I bet you have a girlfriend, right?

- Depends on what you mean by girlfriend. - Come on.

- I bet you were laying pipe last night, weren't you? - -Nah.

-Come on, you can tell me. Come on. -No. I wasn't. I wasn't.

No fucking way! What the fuck are you doing? Excuse me.

-The fuck are you doing? -Training, sir.

-Training for what? For speed dating? -Training.

Or for a marathon?

Marathon, sir.

Well, act like it!

-You in? -Yes. Yes, sir.

-Are you in? -Yes, sir.

Fucking act like it!

Jeez.

Call me!

I still have the same number!

Where do you find a guy?

I mean, you must have men.

I'm very picky.

-Dick's. -Dicks?

Dick's Deli.

Oh, you mean that guy that works there?

Yep.

You flirt with him every time we go in there.

I do not flirt with him.

It's all in your mind.

Oh. Hi.

Hey. You're that chick from Lake Hopacock, right?

-That's me. -Married to the tennis pro?

You were around ten.

Yeah, he's, um, he's a good builder.

Builder?

Huh.

He really is a genius architect.

-Mm. -Hey, wait.

You give me a ride on that bike sometime?

Oh, my God!

I haven't felt like that in such a long time.

Likey?

-Yum. -Would you like a fresh,

cold glass of milk to wash that down with?

I love milk.

Mind if I sit first?

Don't drink too much.

You'll choke.

Don't worry, I got it.

Oops.

I guess I got a little greedy.

Never bite off more than you can chew.

You're blocking the walkway with your bike, friend.

Nowhere else to park.

Parking blows at Lake Hopacock.

A bike my size can't fit just anywhere...

...normal.

I bet.

Big bike.

Yep.

We have a visitor.

What's the story, morning glory?

Yes, we do have a visitor.

Nick, this is Chip.

Chip, this is Nick.

She's crazy about you.

Yeah?

Let's go up to the rooftop.

Hell of a lot of good fishing in this lake.

Got your largemouth bass, rock bass...

...bull trout...

...bullhead shark...

...bull bass.

Never heard of no bull bass.

That's 'cause I'm bullshitting you.

Hmm.

Seeing dicks all the time with the wife?

Laura.

How'd you like to slide into home plate with that?

Then you're out of here!

You know, I was considered to be the next Frank Gehry. You know who that is?

Nope.

Considered an architectural genius.

-Jump in the lake anyone? -Oh!

Kind of cold, isn't it, honey?

I'm in.

Whoo!

Kid's got balls.

Super tight balls. I like that.

- Chip, nice bis, dude. - Thanks, dude.

You don't look bad for a guy your age.

-Oh, why don't we... -Oh, uh...

Go inside, have a drink by the fire?

Yeah.

Chip?

Can I get you a beer?

I can tell more lies over a quality beer

than any man on the planet.

Hey, what's that?

That, my friend, is Hell by Hieronymus Bosch.

He lived in the late 15th century,

Not much is known about him, except he was part of a clan

called the Brotherhood of Our Lady.

Group of crazy Dutchmen who had a hard-on for the Blessed Virgin.

And his main theme was

that women are the cause of all the evil in the world.

Once he bit that apple, we were fucked.

So, like, women are the Antichrist.

Exactly.

Anyway, only about 40 paintings survived.

Garden of Earthly Delights being the most famous and this one.

Pretty weird, huh?

Very valuable print.

Signed in detail.

Got to be worth what, huh?

What did we pay for this, honey, with the frame and everything?

-Fifty-thousand? -Wow, that...

That's a lot of cake.

Yeah, I got a hard-on for paintings and buildings.

What about you, Chip?

Uh, what's your life story?

What do I have a...

...hard-on for?

Oh, you're a funny man, Chip.

I grew up near here.

Sussex.

The orphanage.

I was an orphan. I don't know, I was never officially adopted by anyone, I just...

Nobody wanted me.

Passed around from home to home.

Truth is...

...They do it for the money.

Fucking fake foster parents.

By the time I was 16, I wanted to be on my own.

Ride my Harley.

Got a hard-on for that.

You handle it really well.

Is this in tune?

Wow, what a voice!

Isn't that Mozart?

-Yeah. Yeah, it's the, uh, The Marriage Of-- -You have real talent.

Where did you learn?

I've always had a very agile mind.

I hear something once or twice, and it just--

Some things just come naturally.

Isn't that right, Nick?

I bet you have a girlfriend, right, Chip?

Maybe.

Maybe more than one?

Depends on what you mean by girlfriend, right?

You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

They were hazel before, but...

...now they're...

- ...turning-- - Here!

Oops.

Bad timing.

Sorry.

So, Chip...

...you are now officially family.

Okay?

I'm a strange from my own father while I wish I weren't.

I miss, uh, my family of origin.

So...

...you're family now.

Cool?

Temporary intimacy.

Yeah.

Um...

A toast.

-To family. -Yeah.

Family.

Whatever the fuck that means.

Family. Yeah.

-Chip, my husband is-- -Chip, Chip.

Let's lay our cards on the table, shall we?

I am cuckoldom.

Do you know what that is or what that means?

Nope.

They cut the balls off a rooster. He can't fuck anymore.

We term that a cuckold.

It's a metaphor for guys whose wives cheat on them.

But some men,

very few, I would imagine,

actually want their wives to have lovers.

I know, um, crazy. I know.

I'm supposed to be jealous, especially s-- since you're so young and good looking.

But here's the thing.

If you love someone...

...and I adore my Laura...

...then you want to see them happy.

And when is a person happier...

...than when they're getting fucked?

I mean, you're either fucking or getting fucked. Am I right?

-You homo? -Me? No.

Homo, no.

I enjoy the process.

Let's put it this way.

I'm a process guy.

-Okay. -Chip, how old are you?

Twenty-six.

Oh, wait. What year?

'94.

-What month? -October. Why?

Me, too. What day?

October 30th.

Me, too.

That's cool.

Mischief Night.

Both Scorpios.

- Uh-- - I'm sorry.

-Oh, look at me. I'm drunk on one glass. -It's okay, it's okay.

Here.

I want to kiss you till I cover every part of your body.

Hold you and tell you how lovely your face is.

Kiss your stomach and lick you all the way.

Oh, my God, I gotta go. Excuse me.

Magic.

Nick!

Honey, could you come here a minute, please?

Let's, uh, head back down. I won't be a minute.

Now!

Honey, what came over you? You were fine

-and then all of a sudden-- -I am so mad at you right now,

I could kill you. You fucked it up.

-I did? -Yes. Stop manipulating.

-But I was just-- -No, you weren't!

You were glaring at us, and it makes me feel awkward!

I have never done this before.

But you leering and you...

It just takes me right out of it.

-But your peri-- -It's a huge turn off!

-Your period isn't due for at least 11 days-- -Get out!

What a sexist, chauvinistic thing to say!

How dare you?

What the fuck does my period have to do with it?

Why is it that every time I get upset, it's about my cycle?

I am very regular, thank you very much.

As a matter of fact, I'm ovulating, not waiting for--

Jesus Christ, men are so stupid!

You know nothing. You understand nothing.

Leave me alone.

But what did I do? I was just trying to...

Nick, just hold me.

-Look at me. -Mm.

I look like a raccoon.

Baby...

...I love you so much.

God!

And watching you flirt with him, gave me wood in my BVDs, and...

You guys came so close, you almost breathed together--

Oh, you just keep pushing!

And pushing and pushing!

When will you learn?

-Learn what? -Just stop pushing!

Honey, I know that you want this, but it's my body.

You have to let me control it.

His soul stays in me forever.

They say.

His soul, look-- Okay.

But, but I wasn't pushing.

I love you.

- Nothing ever works out the way I plan.

Was he gone?

-Well, yeah. I mean, he was-- -I don't like him!

But it sure looked like-- I mean...

From the first moment I met him,

I couldn't stand him.

But you talk to him every time we go into Dick's.

I mean, he's like a target. You zero in on him.

Fuck Dick's! Fuck you!

Just go! I need to be alone.

I have cramps.

Why is it that the woman always has to be the one to get dressed up?

Look perfect.

Be sexy.

God. What do men have to do?

Nothing!

Wow.

Twisted.

Chip.

I'm sorry, Laura's not feeling well.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave, if, if, if you don't mind.

I don't mind.

Thanks for having me. It's always good to be had.

Uh, come back again sometime.

When she's not feeling...

It's that time of the month. She gets all emotional for no reason.

It seems like women have one week a month where they're normal, and...

They're either just getting their period or just getting over their period.

You don't have to explain.

Thanks for understanding.

Rain check?

Rain check.

Stay where you are or I'll blow your head off with this .357 Magnum.

Oh, my God! Nick! What happened?

Oh, my God! Oh!

Pull it out.

-The knife, pull it out fast. -Okay.

Oh, my God.

-Take it out fast. -Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay, let me grab a towel!

Here. Here, do you want some water?

Why would I want a glass of water?

-Get the goddamn knife out! -Okay.

-Oh, no, no, no. No, no. -Oh, oh, oh!

No, never mind.

Never mind.

]

-Call 9-1-1. Call 9-1-1. -Oh, my God, who did this?

-Are you okay? -Just call!

Hello? My husband, he's been stabbed.

He's bleeding.

How should I know? A criminal?

A robbery has been committed, please send somebody right away!

Oh, don't touch anything. It, it, it might have, might be evidence.

- Okay. - Hand me my gun.

- Oh, careful, it might be loaded. - Okay.

Hey.

Why are you here?

I heard about what happened.

You shot Nick.

I shot him by accident, Chip. He was stabbed.

So, you stabbed him, then you shot him? Wow.

He was already stabbed. I shot him in the ass by accident.

Wow. Why would you shoot him if he was already stabbed?

Can I get a glass of water?

No, I'm going back to bed.

Do you mind if I take my shirt off?

Yes, I do mind.

Okay, I won't.

-I just thought-- -Thought what?

Do you find me attractive, Laura?

-I'm married. -Ish.

You're a real smart-mouth kid.

I've got the freshest mouth in town.

I'd like you to leave now.

I never stay where I'm not wanted.

Of course I've never been wanted anywhere anyways.

-You're making me uncomfortable. -Yeah?

-It's not that I don't like you. I do. It's just-- -Come on, babe.

Chip.

Come on.

You know you want to.

Kiss me.

Chip, don't--

Just one little kiss.

Your face is so lovely.

Your skin, it's like satin.

Chip, I said "don't."

And you have nice eyes, though.

-They are bizarre. -What about them?

They're turning black.

What are you doing?

Chip!

Ouch! Put me down!

We don't even have to do anything.

At first...

...I just want to hold you in my arms.

Gently.

Like this.

Yeah.

Oh, fucking fuck, fuck, that hurts!

I'm sorry. I'm just doing what Dr. Kind said.

Change, clean, bandage every six hours.

Oh, you're not cleaning it, you're killing me.

Oh, stop it, you big baby!

The wound burns.

The peroxide burns.

It cleans the wound

so it doesn't get infected.

Oh, please stop.

You're torturing me.

What's up, family?

Nick, you okay? I, uh, heard you got shot and stabbed and shit.

Hey, son, uh, friendly fire!

Wait!

Chip!

Yeah?

Fucker broke in here last night.

Was a real pro.

No.

Yeah.

He, uh,

threw a kitchen knife in the dark,

dead on target,

hitting me in the shoulder.

-Fuckers. -No!

It was just one guy, Chip.

That's the crazy part.

One?

You're certain?

Yeah.

And I'm no pussy when it comes to combat, Chip.

Experience?

Yeah.

This fucker's break-in had the feel of years of experience.

Experience is the best teacher, right?

Hey, where did you get that painting, Hell?

Hell?

I got that at Sotheby's.

It's an auction house.

Pretty great, isn't it?

Great frame, too.

Scary, isn't it?

Anyway...

...could you...

...fix the lock on the back door?

See, that's how he got in.

We have, uh, an alarm on the front door, but somehow...

...the perp knew that.

-Huh. -So, anyway,

we need to double-lock the back door

and get a camera mounted.

Now I'm a little banged up.

You mind?

Of course.

Hand me the bigger bit.

- What size? - -Not the biggest, the second biggest.

Fuck!

Hey, you kids.

Why don't you, uh, take a break, come on up, have a cold drink?

- Honey, what happened to your hand? -Oh, uh...

- You're bleeding. - It's a little-- No.

I was just cleaning and... It's nothing.

Are you okay? You need stitches?

Stitches? Me?

But I'll tell you something, Chip, that, that bullet that grazed my ass...

-Yeah? -Winchester cartridge,

eleven and a half millimeters in diameter.

Now, that, could fuck a guy up.

What's weird is your own wife did it.

Friendly fire, son.

I've seen it in the jungle, the, the deserts, city streets.

War.

It's the single most terrible thing in the world, Chip.

People start wars to pretend they're brave or courageous.

But you know the worst thing about it, Chip?

It's fake.

It's a colossal fake of fakes,

in which whole nations indulge, secretly hoping

it will give them, them beauty or courage they do not possess.

War...

...what is it good for?

Honey, I'm going to run into town and pick up something new to wear.

-Oh. -All this manual labor just isn't for me.

You already have so many clothes, we need a new dresser to put them in.

And shoes.

Well, a woman can never have enough shoes or lingerie.

Right, boys?

Lingerie?

You look so hot.

Thank you, Chip.

Whoa.

I can't breathe watching.

Well, maybe if you're a lucky man, you'll get to see more later.

Maybe.

But I am dominant.

I decide what goes on and when it goes on,

and I decide what your participation is. Okay?

Sure.

You're the boss.

I'm going to leave you boys to it.

I'm just going to shop and cheer myself up.

I want to get something special.

She is like a walking, breathing, moving piece of art.

Want to wrestle for her?

What?

Dude, I don't want to hurt you.

I'll take my chances.

Tap! Tap!

Tap, motherfucker!

Buddha sat by the lake...

...eating one grain of rice each day

for some say four years, some say three...

But you know what he learned in that long, lonely, meditative time?

What's that?

That life...

...is fucked.

Nothing stays the same.

I mean, it, it's, uh, transient or temporary.

Not one single thing stays the same, ever!

And of the four noble truths...

...the first one, suffering.

-Is that right? -Want to know what the second one is?

Desire.

I'll drink to that.

Keep your gun clean and your dick hard, and life will be all right, Chip.

You don't mind I took another beer, do you?

Nah.

I figured I fucked your wife, I might as well drink your beer.

You know what?

Maybe we should pull out our dicks to see who's bigger.

But I warn you, I can fuck for hours.

-I may seem normal. -No, you don't seem normal

at all.

And I'm not playing swords with our cocks.

I don't want to embarrass you.

I wasn't going to...

...pull it out here. The neighbors...

But I promise you...

...if I do get to see you fuck Laura and I pray that I do...

...it will drive me wild.

It brings us closer together.

Can you understand that?

We'll see.

Got to think about it.

Till then, like...

Friends, right?

Yeah, friends.

They say to get a good friend,

-you got to be a good friend. -Is that right?

I hope so.

See, I...

I know this sounds weird,

and I feel weird saying it, but...

I've always...

Okay, it sounds weird. Uh...

What is it, dude?

It felt too much.

You've got one hot wife, though.

Oh. And she's really sweet, too. I mean...

You don't know. I mean...

She writes me little messages in the morning and...

...buys me little presents, when life gets me down and...

I can imagine.

And if you find a woman that swallows, Chip, marry her.

Holy fuck!

What?

Where are you going?

You know exactly where I'm going.

-Can I come? -No, not yet.

He wants me alone first.

And then, if he says it's okay,

you can come in and watch what he does to me.

Oh, I'd like that.

Can I have a kiss before you go in?

Have fun.

I want you to suck me off like last time.

- Just give it to me now! - You like to fuck, yeah?

- Just keep fucking me, oh, my God! - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Are you close?

- Yeah, you? - Let's cum together.

Ladies first.

Look, I got to get out of here.

You have two different color socks on.

That's... What?

I got you a little present.

It's, uh...

It's very kind of you.

Hey.

Kiss me once more just like the last time.

How was it?

It was all right.

Just all right?

Yeah, it was all right.

No, it was...

It was fun. I enjoyed it. It's just...

What? I mean, it sure...

...sounded like you had a good time.

I'm new to this, okay?

I enjoyed it, but I'm a married woman.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Some tradition from the Middle Ages

invented by the Catholic Church to keep power over people? I mean, that...

That's not today's world. I mean, it's...

How many miserable people are married?

Stay married for what? Tax breaks? I mean, fuck that.

I, I know, but we got married in a church. Okay? And I just...

I keep hearing my mother's voice play over and over in my head.

What if she knew what I was doing?

Another man, having sex with him and...

Your mother?

Do not mention her weight.

I, I won't. I, I...

I just, I just, I keep hearing her voice in my head

and, and I feel guilty, okay? I--

Guilt, guilt would be if...

...if you did something wrong or you were harming someone,

but we're all consenting adults here.

And...

...I don't mind.

You don't understand.

Well, honey...

What can I do to understand? Explain this to me.

I mean, we both want the same things.

And... it isn't a moral issue.

What is it, then?

It's sex.

It's complex, it's...

O-- One size doesn't fit all.

Just because one person...

...is into something, as long as...

...children and animals aren't involved...

...and I mean, I mean, no one gets hurt...

...what's the problem?

How do you know?

What?

Nothing.

Never mind.

Was he good?

Good?

He was the best lover I ever had.

I mean, I still love you, but...

...he was, um...

I'm getting overheated just thinking about it. I'm going to do some yoga.

I was getting so turned on...

...listening at the door. I mean, honey,

he made you come so many times.

It was, uh...

...exhilarating for me.

I mean, when is a person happier than when they're--

When they're getting fucked, I know.

Well, let me tell you.

He fucked me so good, so hard...

...I nearly lost myself.

God, what happened?

Tell me. I'm dying here.

Well...

...he has a lot of experience, let me tell you.

Oh, my God, I'm so turned on.

I, I haven't come yet. I...

I was so close.

I'm overheating.

Oh, poor baby.

You know what that means.

-You need to come. -Ow!

-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Oh, no, it's okay.

It's okay. All right.

What the fuck is that?

It's our broken doorbell

Are we expecting someone?

Hi there.

Hi, friend. What can we do for you?

I work for your insurance company.

I understand you've had a break in here.

I'm going to need to assess the damages.

Come in.

I'm Nick. Nick Gates.

-You are? -Vinny. Vinny Rigatoni.

Ha-ha, don't laugh. I've been getting ribbed my whole life.

Vinny, are you al dente or just a wet noodle?

You know how cruel kids can be, huh?

Come in, Mr. Rigatoni?

-Can I get you something to eat? -What, like pasta?

-You're funny, Vinny. -Um...

-Isn't he funny, honey? -Um, thank you. Uh...

Do you mind if I examine the damaged property?

Oh. Well, it's nothing.

Just some silverware and, uh, some napkins.

Some frozen chicken, beef. A lot of beef.

- A thief, a hungry thief. He almost got this.

But my big, brave husband saved the day.

-Didn't you, honey? -Oh, shucks, I'm, uh--

Big brave hero, that's what you are.

And all mine.

That's a Bosch.

It's amazing.

Oh, but the-- I see blood on the rug.

It's a nice rug, too.

What do you expect the cost to be?

I don't know. Uh, 10,000 maybe.

Ten thousand?

-New? -That is new, yeah.

-How long have you had it? -Oh, a year or so.

Oh. It's not exactly new, then, is it?

Unsullied.

Untarnished, you mean.

The rug. Yeah.

All right, we could say it was new.

Do you mind if I, uh, look around a little?

Oh, no. Please, go ahead.

He took a few knives, a lot of food.

Must have been hungry.

Poor guy.

How you know it was a guy?

I don't know. Just guessed.

It was scary.

Hmm. Well, I guess you can't be too--

You can't be too careful these days, can you?

Honey...

...I have to go upstairs, will you, uh...

...take care of Mr. Rigatoni?

Vinny. Please.

Vinny.

Could I have a word with you for a minute?

So what do you think?

-About what? -Vinny.

He's not bad looking. They say Italian men make the best lovers.

-What do you think I am? -Would, would you keep your voice down? Shh!

I'm just saying, in case things get too crazy with Chip

or they don't work out, we have a backup plan.

A backup plan?

Nick, this has really gone too far.

Where is it going to end?

Just... flirt with him.

I'll go upstairs...

Just see.

He's not really my type, but...

I'll go upstairs.

-My God, you are really obsessed! -I guess.

But, man, am I turned on. I've been turned on all day.

Can I get you something to drink, Mr. Rigatoni?

Vinny. Vinny's fine.

Uh, no. Uh...

-What do you got? -I have Faith American.

It's a type of beer brewed upstate New York.

Yeah, I, I, I love that stuff. That's from that, uh,

that famous actor. What's his name? Uh...

Kelsey Frasier! Right? Uh...

Kelsey...

-Spelling. -Grammer.

Kelsey Grammer.

I knew it had something to do with school.

Your briefcase looks like it's about to explode.

Oh, uh, so am I. Uh...

Mind if I sit first?

Don't drink, uh, too fast or...

Drinking c--

Drinking cold beer can give you a headache.

Mm! It's good beer.

You drink much beer, Mrs. Gates?

Laura. Please.

And not too much. It bloats me.

I have to watch my figure.

Watch it do what?

I do yoga.

Lots of yoga.

Wow, you're like freaking Gumby.

-Who? -Oh, he's this green rubber thing

I used to play with when I was a kid.

I'm really flexible.

Hey, Vinny! You guys okay?

You want anything?

I was just showing off for our guest.

-Hey, Vinny, I got a joke for you. -Yeah.

Miss Rogers.

"Today, class, we're going to learn multiple syllable words.

Now, does anyone have an example of a multiple syllable word?

Sarah, go ahead.

What's your example of a multiple syllable word?"

And Sarah says...

..."Masturbate."

And Miss Rogers says,

"Wow, that's a mouthful."

And Sarah says, "No.

You're thinking of blow job."

My husband, the joker.

-I was just going. Uh... -Oh.

That's my lunch for later.

So, yeah, I was, uh, just leaving, Mr. Gates.

Nick. Please call me Nick.

Okay. Here's my card. My cell is on the back.

In case you find anything important missing--

-Okay, Mr. Rigatoni. -Vinny! Vinny!

I thought we had gotten past that point.

You're pretty slick there, Vinny.

Do you like your pasta hard or soft, Vinny?

You'll have to excuse my husband.

He's a little...

Yeah, I get that.

But he's got a hot wife, though, so...

Flattery will get you everywhere, Vinny.

The two worst words in the English language.

-What? -Goodbye.

Is that two words?

-I'll give you a call sometime. -Goodbye.

Oh, my God,

I have to have you now!

Right here!

Did he turn you on?

Well, actually, he was kind of cute.

-Different from Chip, though, Right? -Different? Yeah.

-Big cock? -Mm, seven inches, I'd say.

-How can you tell? -A girl just knows.

But Chip...

...he is the biggest bad boy.

Is Chip's cock that gorgeous?

It's a work of art.

What the fuck?

-Oh, Jonathan! -Laura.

-Jonathan. -Oh, Laura!

Oh, Jonathan, it's been forever!

What happened here last night? I was so worried when I read the report this morning.

I don't want to alarm you, but this is a well-fortified lock and alarm system.

But it appears your house has been targeted.

-But who would target us? -I have no clue.

But we will find them. Don't you worry about that.

I'm on top of this case like a Canadian Mountie.

You can count on that as sure as I do my salutation to the sun each morning.

I do love you, JJ.

-Really? -Really.

How's your mom? I have to get over to see her.

I've just been...

...really busy.

She's fine.

Give her my love?

She loves you guys.

-Here. She made some cookies. -Oh.

JJ!

You've got great timing.

Nuts. Oh.

-I-- -Am I disrupting?

If you ever decide

to come over to my side of the fence...

...let me know.

Oh, JJ, I wish Nick were gay.

He's got the sex drive of a 25-year-old.

Hey, I'd be gay. I just couldn't handle all the Judy Garland records.

JJ.

You are just...

...not my type.

I am into my wife.

Ow! JJ!

My fucking shoulder, you homo!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

No.

No. No, no.

Okay. Yeah, I'll be right there.

I got to go.

Anyways...

...that was the nicest cock...

except for yours,

that I have seen in a long time.

It was long and thick.

It had this...

...huge...

...bend in it...

...that while you think you have him,

all of him in,

but then you do.

So yummy.

He took down...

...both my bra straps...

...at the same time...

...and gently starting sucking on my nipples, kissing them.

Uh-huh.

God, you must have been so wet!

Soaking.

And then, he started kissing my neck.

Telling me how grateful he was just to have me in his arms.

God, my cock is

hard as a baby's forearm.

Fuck!

Nicky.

Come here.

Give us a kiss.

Frankie!

Come on in.

What can I get you?

I, uh...

...hope I'm not catching you at a bad time.

Uh, no.

I mean, uh, not at all. Uh...

Perfect timing, Frankie.

Can I get you something?

-You sure? -Honey?

Give me an anisette and a coffee.

Do yous mind?

Coffee and cannolis.

Sure. Why not?

Got to start watching what I eat.

Hey...

...what's these?

Not bad.

The fuck is with these cookies?

They are...

...monsters, one-eyed children.

No legs on kids and shit.

-What the fuck! -Oh.

These were baked by a friend of ours, and she's not doing so well.

She bakes these weird cookies.

-Any good? -Delicious. Try one.

Oh, no. I don't need that stuff.

Gotta stay thin. The, uh, competition is stiff out there.

You get more beautiful each time I see you.

You are beautiful.

Like a spring morning.

Like a... Fucking what?

Like a fucking Sunday gravy on macaroni.

What you see in this clown, I got no idea.

- But one thing I know is yous two love each other...

...and are devoted to one another.

And that I respect. Salud.

Gonna start watching what I eat.

Doctor says too many, uh...

...transglutenizers.

Triglycerides, Frankie.

You have to take care of your heart.

So...

...I understand

yous had a slight disturbance here the other night.

Nothing I can't handle, Frankie.

Hey, you're a freaking architect, you ain't no soldier.

But I, I was a soldier.

Hey, you ain't no pair of wet socks. I ain't saying that.

What I am saying is, someone messes with my cousin, they mess with me.

And nobody fucks with Frankie the Razor and lives to tell the story.

He fucking stabbed you. Damn.

Threw a knife I heard.

I was so scared, Uncle Frankie. I thought Nick was hurt.

He threw a butcher knife across the room.

Up to the stairway landing.

Must be good with a knife.

Very good.

I miss stabbings.

Now everything is different.

Guns, bombs, long guns.

Where is the good old days?

I must be getting old. And, damn, the real old days used to be

you just broke a guy's knees and laugh about it at the bar after, you know?

Now, different.

Everything is changing.

Texting this, email that, Zoom my penis.

I can't keep up. Life, me, I can barely even jerk off anymore.

Oh. Excuse me, Laura.

Don't yous worry about nothing.

Uncle Frankie will take care of everything.

The secret to life, Frankie, is find a good woman and settle down.

I miss my dear, sainted wife, Nicky.

Every day, I think on her,

I pray for her soul.

I got to go.

I got people to do and stuff to see.

You got this? We got people to take care of this kind of thing.

I got it, Frankie. Thanks. Oh!

Fuck!

Bad news. Uh...

Your friend, Chip, who I've been watching by the way for days,

I gave him a speeding ticket for going way too fast

on the highway the other morning.

JJ, get to the point!

You guys might want to sit down.

I found out some things.

Uh, our friend, Chip...

You're not going to like it!

-Did he murder somebody? -No. He stole a motorcycle, though.

Just jumped on and took off and didn't give a damn.

See, it's like this. When investigating a break-in,

you have to check all the criminal priors in the area.

Then you start looking at who might be in the neighborhood at the time of said incident.

-Then you narrow down your suspect. -I know.

I know all of this.

But what does this have to do with us, JJ?

Chip is our prime suspect.

JJ, you got to, you got to...

...really...

...listen to me, okay?

Yes, sir.

I mean, you're not stupid...

...but you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, either.

I mean, let's just say that you are a, uh...

...a few French fries short of a Big Mac, shall we?

My IQ is 180.

You look like a yoga instructor, not a cop.

Look, JJ.

This perp came after me. Okay?

-I'll get him. -It's my job, and it's the law.

Fuck the law and fuck you, JJ, you little...

Never mind.

Change, Nick!

Change now.

Remember the power of now.

Where are you? Here.

When? Now!

The third noble truth of Buddha is...

...letting go!

Mm!

Let it go.

Hey, Chip.

A bull, huh?

Come to tear up that speeding ticket?

Nope, once it's written, it's...

I forgot something.

I'll be right back.

All right, here we are. This guy will know.

This guy...

Excuse me. Do you know how to get to the New Jersey Turnpike?

I'm lost, and my phone... The reception up here sucks.

Is this town really called Hopacock?

Yep.

Come with us.

Nah, I got people.

Next time.

Here, take my digits.

Here.

You've got nice tits.

We play our cards right and maybe you'll get to see them.

Ping me. Okay?

See you later.

Maybe.

Chip, can I have a word, please?

Downstairs. Alone.

Please?

Where were you Wednesday last?

Wednesday last.

What the fuck. Uh...

Probably on my bike.

-It's my life, J. -I'm happy for you.

Where were you?

Oh, you mean, like, exactly?

Longitude and latitude?

Where in space and time, if it exists, was fucking I?

Uh, you know, let me see. I...

-Hey, JJ, can you... -What?

Scratch my back?

Well...

...officially I am on duty, but...

-...sure, why not? -Mm.

Harder, please. You know? Really dig your nails in there.

Is that hard enough?

Oh, it's never hard enough.

Where were you?

-When? -Don't play with me, pal. Last Wednesday.

-Here. -When did you leave?

I don't know, like, uh, 6:00 or something.

Laura did this 180, and then, Nick says, "You got to go," so I go.

Why did Laura ask you leave when she invited you over?

Did you do or say anything to offend?

You see, every day the sun goes down,

you realize that you know less and less about women.

Not that you would...

Never mind.

Where were you, Mr. Walker?

Don't you ever fucking call me that.

-What? -Mr. Walker.

Charles Walker or Chuck.

Fuck you, faggot!

Don't ever call me that.

What? Faggot?

Yes!

Okay, faggot.

I hate that word.

Yeah?

That guy does not even exist to me anymore.

Mr. Fucking Charles Walker.

Now get off of my ass!

-I'm not on it. -Keep it that way.

Anybody pitches here, it's me. You are the catcher, you see?

You got me?

I see.

-Don't leave town unless I know about it. -Fuck off.

Come near me and I will split your skull.

Ah.

Oh, man!

You guys are starting to feel like a family.

Look who it is. Little girl in a man's body.

-Oh, come on, Chip. -Listen, you're in trouble, Chip.

-About what? -The break-in, the assault.

-Is that so? -Charles Walker, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything--

I fucking warned you!

Chip! Calm down, man!

-God! -A motorcycle was parked in the cemetery.

You were seen by eyewitnesses fleeing from this house that night.

You're assaulting an officer of the law. You can get ten years for this.

-I hate people! -Chip!

-Don't hurt him! -Calm down, son!

Go fuck yourself, Nick.

You are not my father.

And I am not your son.

I don't have a father. And if I did, I would kill that fucking asshole

for bringing me into this world that I never asked to be brought into.

If I saw that fucker, I would smash his face

into a parking meter till it was pulp.

You used me, man.

You and your wife sucked me into this sick fantasy.

You fucking pervert!

So do not give me that dad bullshit!

All my fucking life!

God!

Hey, kid.

Come here.

What you doing?

Do what I tell you.

Come here.

The gun.

Give it here.

You don't want no trouble now.

Don't make me take it from you.

Good looking kid like you...

...you got your whole fucking life ahead of you.

I know you took this place the other night, kid.

You did?

I know it, too, son.

Do you know what happens to most kids that don't get adopted?

Ninety percent of us end up in prison.

- I was raped in juvie. - Oh.

I was used. Just used.

Why am I so fucked up?

- Why am I so fucked up? - No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Hey... - We're all fucked up, kid.

Oh. Oh, it's okay, it's all right,

It's, it's okay.

It's okay.

-I apologize, Nick. -Mm. Mm.

You and Laura have been nothing but good to me.

And JJ, I...

I'm sorry, JJ.

I'm sorry, I...

I got a short fuse.

Oh.

Chip.

Come with me.

Mm.

Mm.

You ever hear of bonobos?

They're primates.

Not...

Chimps are monkeys, not gorillas,

but something else. They...

They actually look human, and they're called bonobos.

They're short in stature,

but they're black hair...

It's parted in the middle, strangely, and...

And you know what, JJ?

-No violence of any kind. -Mm.

And, and it's a matriarchal society.

I mean, certain, certain chimps could devour you

and monkeys eat one another.

I mean, like us.

But not bonobos.

And you know why?

-Why there's no friction? -Why?

They fuck, JJ.

I mean, they fuck and suck and lick and kiss and...

And I'm talking twosomes, foursomes, threesomes.

I mean, the fucking, sucking, licking and kissing

that goes on with these groups of bonobos...

Because they're fucking all day?

-Exactly. -What else do they do besides that?

I mean, are they...

- Oh, I mean, do they... - Gay?

Of course.

They don't give a fuck, JJ. They don't have boundaries.

Fuck, suck, lick, kiss.

Come, and keep coming. I mean, that's it.

The meaning of life.

Ah.

Mm.

98.9%...

...of our DNA.

They're just like us.

Laura, I...

...love your soul.

You have freed me from myself.

I love you, Laura.

I love you, too, Chip.

What the fuck were you thinking?

You picked him.

Oh, yeah.

You fucked up! You, you fucking moron!