Original subtitles

So I'll em... Look, I'll... I'll see you around, Gary.

I'll call you later.

What? No, Gary. Sorry,...

...look er,...

...that's very sweet, but er, I'm not really.

Things are just complicated at the moment with me and Karl.

So I'll call you then.

No, don't. Don't call me.

Call you.

Look, I just said don't call me. Okay.

Today?

I'm not calling you today. I'm busy.

What.. what do you mean, you're- you'rebusy?

What, you'retoo busy to make a call?

Look, things are just a bit complicated at the moment.

Me and Jan. I'll try and text you.

Wh..What do you mean? Text? What s..

No, hang on. No. Look,...

...it's me that doesn t want you. Okay?

Yeah, yeah. Alright then. Later.

So I'll call you!

(phone ringing)

Hi, it's Karl, not in, so leave a massage, then a message.

Seriously though, just leave a message...

...and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Unless it's the weekend, because I might be away.

Laters.

(BEEP)

Oh, er, hi, Karl, it's... it's Donna.

Er, I... I was just phoning 'cause er..

Like the message, bit whacky, bit cheerful. It's good.

Er, just phoning to bit zany...

...see if you're er...

Well, check that you're still depressed.

I'mean, I... I hope you're not. I'mean, I..

I don't want you to be. So er...

Anyway, just er, just give me a call.

And get rid of the message, it makes you sound gay!

Piss off.

So?

- What? - How was it?

- How was what? - Last night.

Worst sex of my entire life.

I've had more fun putting me knickers on.

A man with a cock that size...

should at least have the decency not to

...fart when he comes.

Oh, Karen.

I said, "And you can stop trying to joke your way out of it,...

...that is tiny.

That is insulting.

That is pointless, meatless, and, quite frankly,...

...it's making me feel queasy.

So you didn't then?

Yeah, I did, but out of pity.

And don't look at me like that.

You should be grateful.

When are you going to get the electricity back on?

I thought you were getting money off Mark.

Can't you pay for the electricity with that?

I tell you what, Donna, why don't I just set light to it?

I want electricity.

It's so depressing being 30 and not being able to...

...watch telly.

Donna, you're starving and freezing,...

...and you've only got a tenner,...

...what do you do?

Buy food or electricity?

- Food! - Wrong. You buy booze.

I'm throwing you a party.

I've hired the function room at the Marquis.

Oh, Jesus, I dunno if I wanna go to the Marquis tonight.

KAREN: Why? - Because she shagged the barman last night.

- No, no, I didn't-- - The deaf one?

He's not deaf. He's got... He's got partial hearing.

He's got partial hygiene, Donna. Christ!

Look, I just dunno if I want to spend my birthday...

...watching Sky Sport with men trying to sell me Bush meat.

Is that okay?

Who's that?

Don't talk to him.

So you know what you're doing then?

Yeah. I'm adopting Donna an animal...

...from an endangered species.

I'm going to use the internet. What do you think she'd like?

I dunno. Something cute and disappearing, like an elephant.

Aren' t they a bit big?

Jesus, just make sure there's a picture.

Get something with a name like Kunte Kinte or Mombosy,...

...and a little message from it saying, "Thanks, Donna,...

...you really saved my bacon." Okay?

Do you know something, you're right.

There are a lot of single dads here.

Single? That's Thursday.

This is mum's Saturday morning lie in.

What, they're married?

- Yeah. - Karen!

Well, I'm just borrowing 'em.

But it's not right.

You're single now, Donna.

They're only off limits if they're family or under 14.

14!

It's not paedophilia if you're a woman.

Sorry, do I know you? I do, don't I?

- Yeah, you do. I'm...-- - Yeah. God, I do. Hang on a minute.

Do you go to Manhattan's?

- Well, I have, I've been there, yeah. - Yeah, oh, my god.

- Didn't we snog on the dance floor?-- - I think...

Oh, Christ, we did, didn't we?

Did we? Oh, we did.

I remember now.

Oh, my god. Was I er..giving you a bit of palm?

Oh, my god, I've just remembered the cab on the way home.

Didn't you fling a bit out...

...- over my...-- - I think actually you re...

...thinking of someone else.

I'm Josh's father.

You teach him.

At school.

Oh, hello. How are you?

Fine, yeah.

Doing anything after this?

Taking Josh out. Say hello, Josh.

Hi, Miss.

Hello, Josh.

Nice...lolly.

Well...

They've got a special on avocados.

Really?

Yeah.

Two for the price of one.

Cheap.

Oh, here.

Oh, thank you. Oh, sorry.

No problem. I just thought you needed a hand.

I did. Thank you for your hand.

You're welcome. Having a party?

No, I'm just an alcoholic.

That's a joke. Sorry, I'm not.

Yes, we am, are, a party, er, tonight,...

...at...at er, the Marquis on Tudor Road,...

...I think it's 29 Tudor Road.

It's quite easy to find actually,...

...it's page 56 in the A to Z.

It's grid reference, 4G or something.

I'm Danny.

Hi, I'm...I'm Donna.

So, having a party, that's cool.

Yeah, cool.

Well, I love parties, so er, what s the occasion?

- It's mine. Birthday. My birthday. - Oh, great.

So how old are you?

- Just 30. - Okay.

- Let's get out of here. - Can we?

Hi.

What are you looking for?

Sexy lesbians.

Wow!

Oh, teen bitches, maybe.

Barely legal sluts. Whatever.

Ooh, good luck.

Karl sounded good.

You called Karl? Why?

Just because you dump someone the day before your wedding...

...doesn t mean you stop caring about them.

Don't invite him to the party.

I'm not inviting him to the party. - Donna, don't...

...- invite him to the party-- - I'm not inviting him...

...to the party!

I'might go and see him.

Don't go and see him!

Just see how he is.

Ex is how he is.

You're like a two year old playing with your own faeces.

Just 'cause it tastes good, Donna,...

...it doesn't mean to say it's right.

I'm not getting off on it, Karen.

I just think a man who's tried to kill himself should...

...at least be sounding a bit'sad.

It's not in here. I'm gonna kill Mark.

Why was he giving you money anyway?

He wasn't giving it to me. I sold him something.

- What? - My computer.

You haven't got a computer.

Alright! One of the school s computers.

What? Why?

I need the cash.

They don't pay teachers very much, Donna,...

...in case you ve been living under a rock.

We are virtually paupers.

You take a taxi to the off licence, Karen.

Isn t the school going to miss a computer?

No. They've got loads of em. Nearly five.

Mark?

Hello. Who's this?

Where s Mark?

I'm his PA.

No, the other one.

What?

Oh. Oh, my god.

How did that...?

A heart attack? Really.

When? When did..?

Yesterday.

Jesus.

Well, do you have anyone with you, family or...?

Look,...

...you don't happen to know whether he got...

...to the bank yesterday?

Hello? Hello?

I just can't believe it. I'mean, I really can't believe it.

I know. I felt like that when I split with Karl, like...

...like he d died.

Mark did actually die, Donna. He's dead. Karl's alive.

Yes. So do you think He's over me then?

Isn t that what you want?

Oh, yeah, of course, but...

...does he have to be so happy? I'mean...

...I want him to be happy, but...

...just not so happy about being happy.

This is breakdown stuff.

For you or him?

Er, do you think you might actually,...

...you know, order something?

My lover has just died, Richard.

Wow. Sorry.

So can I have a free sandwich?

Oh, can I have a free sandwich as well?

Time. A little bit...

What s Bukkake?

Bukkake, it's er... it's a genre of...

...porn involving 20, 30 men...

...masturbating on to a woman s face.

Two free sandwiches coming up.

God, who died?

Mark.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

Which one's Mark?

He's the married one.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

How do you spell it?

B-U-K-K-A-K-E.

If you need anything, I'll be on the computer.

I can't believe he's dead.

He's not dead, Karen, He's just acting...

Oh, you mean Mark?

Yes.

He's dead.

LOUISE: A-K-E.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, oh, that's..that's.. Oh!

Oh, I wonder if there's any more.

(bell rings)

Oh, shi...Hello.

What do you want?

I was just in the area,...

...and thought I d pop in -- - Pop in!

...see if he s.. Is Karl..?

Don't talk about my son, Donna.

You'restill angry with me, Aren' t you?

Angry?

Because you dumped my son the day before his wedding?

No, Donna, but I am wondering where I'might wear my £500 suit.

Any ideas?

Ascot?

Go away.

I'm just... I'm just worried about Karl.

Oh, now you're worried about Karl.

- He just seems a bit..-- - Better?

Weird. Better but...but weird.

Do you know where he is?

Playing squash.

- What? - At the gym.

At the gym? But two weeks ago he couldn t get out of bed.

Well, he can now. He's found someone else.

What, already?

Someone who loves him for what he is.

Is it a woman?

Karl wants you out of his life.

Yeah, but not really...

...- out of his life...-- - Yes, really out of his life.

But how are we going to be..friends?

So getting fit?

Yeah.

It's weird seeing you sweat when you're not eating a kebab.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd join. I'mean,...

...it's just round the corner. If you get a year's...

...- membership you get to do... -- - Are you going to kill...

...yourself again, Karl?

I'm just getting a bit fitter.

Oh, for god s sake!

- What? - It's a nervous breakdown, Karl.

It's not a nervous breakdown.

Two weeks ago you tried to kill yourself.

- Yeah, thank you, Donna...-- - You started a fight...

...- with that tramp-- - Yes, thank you, Donna.

That was then. Yeah, alright, I went through a bad time.

I think it was shock or something.

But I'm moving on now.

Don't be so naïve. You're not moving on, you re...

I am.

No, you're not, Karl.

- I am, Donna. - You're not.

- I am, Donna. - You're not.

- No, I am. - No, you're not.

- I am! - Karl, you're not. You're not.

You're not moving on.

Oh.

Oh, Mark.

Oh.

Oh. That's not Mark.

Who's that?

Who's that?

God, they're so friendly!

Look, I think it's better if we don't see each other.

- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.

You don't Karl, you don't.

Yes, I do, Donna.

Well, for how long? I mean, do.. you just need some time.

Donna, I don't know if I wanna see you again, at all.

Oh.

Well, it is something I ve done?

KAREN: I'mean, apart from...

...- the breakdown...-- - It wasn't a breakdown.

Look, I'm - I'm just getting on with things.

I'm getting on with things as well.

- I've met someone. - Me too.

I like her. She likes me.

I like him. Well, he likes me more.

This isn't easy, Donna, but I ve moved...

...- on, and I think...-- - We're getting married.

- What? - Yeah. Married.

His name s Danny and...

- When? - Now. Pretty soon. Soon.

You'regetting married?

Yeah. I just... I feel so happy that I...

...I'm all mental and stupid.

You know, people are worried about me.

Hey, why...why don't you come to the party because, you know,...

...now that we're both moving on, it'd be brilliant.

Bring thingy with you.

Oh, my god, isn't this fantastic?

I'm so happy for us.

(CHILDREN YELLING)

You'rea creepy little shit, Aren't ya?

Where'd you get that computer?

My dad give it to me.

- Is your dad the dead one? - Yeah.

What s your name?

Jason.

Jason, what if I were to tell you that...

...I was your dad s lover and that..

...that was really my computer?

I dunno.

Look, Jason...

Alright, Jase?

He's taken it so hard.

And you are?

Lee. Mark's oldest.

Oh! Handsome. Here, have a drink.

- No, thanks, I don't usually...-- - Go on,...

...dad's dead, he won't mind.

No, I'm...

How are you coping?

Just sort of taking each...

...day as it comes really. - You have to.

Do you wanna hug?

- What? - Or something? A little hug?

Don't be afraid. Nothing to be ashamed of.

- I'm fine. I'm...Thanks...-- - I'll just hold your hand then.

Which one's your mum?

Wow! She ain't fucking all that, is she?

That him in there, is it?

- Yeah. - In the box?

- Yeah, He's er..-- - Did he leave any money?

Pardon?

No, I'mean, to pay for things...

...that he didn't pay for when he was alive.

I mean, if he didn't, which he probably did, but...

...if he didn't, did he leave anything for someone?

Sorry. And you are?

I think the cars are here.

Are they? Mum, mum, I think the cars are here.

(GRUNTS)

He's alive!

He's alive!

Let's go.

We can bring him round.

We can bring him round. Look, I'm gonna try.

I'm gonna try. He's moving.

Look, honestly, I'm trying.

This is amazing, isn't it?

I mean, one minute we're writing on a screen to each other,...

...strangers, the next we're in a car park talking,...

...chatting like friends.

This is all new to me.

What about you?

No.

I mean, I just thought people in to that sort of thing...

...would be, well, I dunno,...

...dirty or something. But it's so friendly.

I mean, there's a real community, isn't there?

Sorry.

Me gassing away, I'm sorry.

I'm just so excited.

How excited?

Really excited.

So where we gonna go?

I thought we'd just stay here.

There's a man out there. Is he okay?

Yeah.

He doesn't look well.

No, he's fine.

So tell me a little bit about yourself, Tony.

What do you like doing?

All of it.

Look, there's someone else now. What's he doing?

Oh, my god, Tony, you're never going to believe this.

I think we should get out of here.

Tony!

(SPORTS ANNOUNCER ON TV)

(CROWD CHEERS)

No.

Lee? Lee? Listen to me. Listen.

Don't you let anyone...

...anyone tell you that your dad wasn't a good lover.

- Sorry I'm late. I got caught in a car park. - What?

I'll tell you later.

Actually, is it alright if I don't tell you.

I thought we had the function room.

Yeah, well, we've got each other, haven't we?

That's the important thing.

Friends together.

Give Donna her present.

Oh, yeah.

This is from me and Karen.

It's not exactly what we er...Well..

Happy birthday.

Thank you, Donna. You're my new mum.

I love you and now I'm not gonna die.

This is the worst birthday I've ever had.

What's the matter with you?

This is what being single's all about.

- This? - Yeah. But you have to be drunk.

I am drunk!

Not enough.

That's how the magic works.

That's how you turn a toilet in to a tiara.

He's not coming.

Who?

Karl.

He'll be shagging his new bird.

I've lost him.

I've lost him, haven t I?

Karl.

Where's er, where s thing?

Well, I...I told her I was going to your birthday party and...

...she er...Well, she hit me with a garlic press. - Oh.

I wasn't really ready for a relationship anyway.

Well, if...if it makes you feel any better,...

...I'm not getting married.

It's off.

God, that's... sorry to hear that. That's er..

Look, here, it's not much... Well, it is actually.

Thought I'd get you something cheap and meaningful, but...

...I couldn't find anything, so I got you something...

...expensive and meaningless.

It's a Robo-Sapien.

Oh, Karl!

Sorry.

Well, I'd...I'd better get going.

But...Oh, what..

Well, I was thinking, because er, I...I was just thinking,...

...well, who am I going to talk to?

What?

Who am I going to talk to about stuff?

What stuff?

Politics.

Politics. You don't talk about politics.

Alright, work, or...or...

...when I've got an idea for a new plotline in East Enders.

Who am I going to tell it to?

Well, I dunno.

Karl, I...I think I might have made a mistake...

...about you and me.

Stay.

Just for one drink.

I don't wanna be friends, Donna.

Neither do I.

I can't do this. I can't do all this...

...pub and single and getting drunk and having fun.

I keep trying tog have good time, but...

...I just feel lonely.

I feel lonely without you.

What happens if you think different tomorrow?

I won't.

I wanna be with you.

Still fucked!