Original subtitles

(ominous orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Good evening,

I'm General Myron Stone,

Air Force Liaison to the Pentagon.

I would like to introduce to you

our esteemed committee members,

Undersecretary Overmyer from the State Department,

Dudley Next from the Pentagon,

for Senator Anne Farnsworth,

and Darnell Muggins, from Central Intelligence.

I shall now ask our project personnel

to introduce themselves.

- Yes, thank you General.

I am Colonel Gilbert Milfoil,

and I am Head of Security for the Alien Task Force.

This is my assistant, Second Lieutenant Reese.

- I'm Second Lieutenant Reese,

Colonel Milfoil's assistant.

- Captain Rick Mullican,

Scientific Coordinator on Project: ALF.

My duty has been to monitor

all testing performed on the alien.

- Major Melissa Hill, Clinical Psychologist.

I've been responsible for all

behavior evaluations concerning the alien.

- This panel has convened to render a decision,

as to the immediate future of the alien life form,

known as ALF.

Colonel Milfoil is demanding full resumption

of psychological and physical testing,

and the possible elimination of the creature.

Captain Mullican and Major Hill oppose this idea,

and in fact, recommend the release of the alien.

Now it is our responsibility to hear these arguments,

and determine what should be done with the alien.

- We know what to do with it,

some of us just don't have the guts.

- It's not a matter of guts, it's a matter of human rights.

- Aliens don't have human rights, Major,

that's why they're aliens.

- They're aliens because we alienate them.

- Oh please.

- She's right.

We found ALF to be a warm, friendly,

occasionally annoying, but highly intelligent creature.

- Sir, ALF is a menace to society,

and ought to be incinerated.

- Don't you mean incarcerated, sir?

- No.

- According to these records,

ALF's planet, Melmac, exploded in 1985.

After wandering in space for almost a year,

his spacecraft fell to Earth,

and crashed into the garage

of a family by the name of Tanner.

- That is affirmative, madame.

The alien held the Tanner family captive,

and terrorized them for as long as he lived with them.

- The Tanners and ALF got along great.

- On the contrary, Mister Tanner testified himself,

that the alien set over 300 fires in their home,

and that he continually tried to eat the family cat.

- For the record, he never ate the cat.

Besides, it was only 246 fires,

and most of those were barbecue-related.

- Where is the Tanner family now?

- They were placed

on the witness protection program in 1990.

- Well, perhaps we should talk to them.

- I'm afraid they don't have a phone yet, sir.

It's hard to get service in Reykjavik.

- They live in Iceland?

- They turned down Mozambique,

they weren't happy with the school system there.

- Well are they happy with...

- They're fine, ma'am.

The rest is classified.

- Perhaps now would be a good time

to view the videotapes of the alien,

undergoing some of those tests you told us about.

- The committee should be aware that

several tapes, including those

of the more inhumane tests,

mysteriously disappeared about the time

these hearings were scheduled.

- You lost some of the tapes?

Honest to God,

security in your department is appalling.

Anyone can just waltz into his lab,

and take whatever he wants.

- Anyone with a security key and a 14-digit combination.

- May we take a look at those tapes we do have?

(eerie music)

- Good morning, ALF.

May I call you ALF?

- If you insist.

- Well, I'm Doctor Warner,

and I'd like to ask you a few questions.

- Do I have to come up with funny answers?

(chuckling)

- Not at all.

Now during the course of these interviews,

we'll also be videotaping you.

- If it's shown on Hard Copy, I'll expect residuals.

(chuckling)

- No, these tapes are classified,

the public will never see them.

- That's what they told Marion Barry.

(chuckling)

- Yes, yes.

Good morning, ALF.

(chuckling)

- Yourself.

I take it this isn't the word association test.

- There's been a change of plans.

Not to worry,

we're gonna conduct a different test.

- I'm not sure I like the word, conduct.

- I assure you it's completely safe.

Oh, pay no attention to that sign,

it shouldn't even be there.

I'll remove it if it bothers you.

- It bothers me.

(screaming)

(fire burning)

- Medic?

Medic?

- Hello ALF, I'm Doctor Newman.

- No need to ask who you're replacing.

- We're gonna try a little game called, numeric sequencing.

- Does it involve electric shock?

- Absolutely not.

- Forgive me if I'm a little paranoid.

There's still a silhouette burnt into the linoleum.

- Well, it's been officially determined

that Doctor Warner had a heart condition,

and his unfortunate death

was totally unrelated to the mild shock

that he received here.

- I'd be ready for litigation if I were you.

- Well then that's not your concern at this point.

- The man was cooked in his shoes.

- Could you stop the tape?

- His glasses were fused to his skull.

- Stop the tape.

- [ALF] He was a cinder!

- Stop.

- Hello there, I'm Doctor Stanley.

- Where's Doctor Newman?

- He's taking some time off.

- I assume you heard what happened to Doctor Warner?

- Yep, bad heart.

- Oh, we're sticking to that story, huh?

Mum's the word.

- Let's try some word association.

I'll say a word,

and you say whatever pops in your mind.

- Food.

- I haven't said anything yet.

- Nothing interesting, at least.

- Sit.

- I am sitting.

- No no no no, that's the first word, sit.

- Oh, food.

- Sunrise.

- Breakfast.

- Square. - Meal.

- Left. - Overs.

- Should we stop and get you something to eat?

- I could use a little snack.

- [Newman] Feel better?

(belching)

- I do now.

- May we proceed with our word association test?

- Fire away.

- All right.

Here's the first word.

Is there a problem?

- Nope.

- Here is the first word.

- Go ahead.

- No, here, the word here, is the first word.

- You're jerking my chain, aren't you?

- Let's just try another word.

- Good idea.

- On. - Off.

- Up. - Down.

- Toast.

- Doctor Warner.

- In. - Out.

- Cold.

- Doctor Warner.

- Look, can we stop the cameras please?

- Warner's body had to be removed by a chimney sweep.

- Cut.

(screaming)

- Hello, I'm Doctor Mockton.

I'm going to show you some ink blots.

- Does this involve electric shock?

- Let's not start that again.

- You know why I'm asking don't you?

- I suggest you change the subject,

unless you want to pay another visit to the centrifuge.

- Been there, done that.

Threw up.

- Let's start with this one.

- Doctor Warner struck me as a rather gentle man.

(screaming)

This one is definitely the Pepsi.

- Good morning, I'm Doctor Carnage.

- Yikes.

- Yikes, yourself.

- Just so we understand each other.

- I'm going to show you some pictures.

- Are they of you?

- No.

- Good.

- Identify if you can...

- No breakfast?

- No breakfast.

- Lousy pork butt.

- No need to be insulting.

- No no, that's what I had for breakfast,

just one lousy pork butt.

- Can you identify the man in this picture?

- He was the drummer for the Beatles.

Can I ask you something?

- What?

- How you found the food here on the base?

- Adequate.

- Any truth to that saltpeter thing?

Because frankly, I've been having trouble maintaining a...

- Tell me about this picture.

- I wondered when we were going to get around

to the Star Trek stuff.

- Ah, so you know about the Starship Enterprise?

- I know it's an icon for millions of people

who don't have a life.

- And tell me about your spaceship.

- My ex-spaceship.

Now it's a pile of rubble,

much like my life.

- And what about your life, ALF?

Are you unhappy?

Tell me what frightens you.

- Besides the Fox Network?

- Besides the Fox Network.

- Can I ask you something?

- Of course.

- I'm a bit curious about the,

don't ask, don't tell, policy, here in the military.

- What about it?

- Well, I assume it's worked to your advantage.

- Stop the tape.

- Three, two, one, engage.

- Wow!

(siren blaring)

- [Man] Quick, somebody bring the jaws of life!

- That crash test is the perfect example

of the cruel and inhumane punishment

ALF has been subjected to, Mister Chairman.

- He had an airbag, it just didn't work.

- Perhaps it would be a good idea

if we met with ALF, and talked with him personally.

- That's highly inadvisable, sir.

He's very dangerous,

and may I remind you sir, he is pelvic height.

- Where exactly is ALF now?

- Exactly where he belongs, madame,

in maximum security under full military guard.

- [Man] So, what's the alien gonna do now?

- Looks like I don't have a choice.

- You don't.

- Straight flush.

Read 'em and weep.

Hey, have some more pretzels, boys.

They're only a dollar a bag.

- That's it for me, I'm tapped.

- You're tapped.

I just lost my hazard pay.

- Well, better luck tomorrow, guys.

Cash 'em out Murph, and lock the safe.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, and while you're up,

get me the results from Santa Anita,

and find out what we owe on the Tyson fight.

Who would have thought that prison

would have made him meaner?

- I'm on it, sir.

- Oh, and rustle up some pizza from the commissary,

double-cheese, hold the saltpeter.

- [Man] Right.

- Brown boy? - Yes sir.

- What's my schedule look like for tomorrow?

- Pretty tight, 8:30 a.m. massage.

- No hot oil.

- We won't make that mistake again.

- 9:30, breakfast.

Irish oatmeal, fresh strawberries, okay?

- Do I get scones?

- You get scones.

- And fresh clotted cream?

- Bad news on the clotted cream front, I'm afraid.

It missed the flight from Devonshire.

- Why don't you just stab me?

- Sorry.

Hey, 10 o'clock's your hair coloring.

- Right shade this time?

- Burnt sienna.

- I'm the same color Lucy was,

towards the end.

- And I managed to block out

from 11 o'clock to three o'clock for your lunch.

- Oh that is tight.

- And at 4:30, it's either tea time,

or resumption of shock therapy,

depending upon the outcome of the hearing.

- Please, let it be tea time.

At this point, I'd even drink herbal.

Dismissed.

- Besides, I met Yassir.

Not only does he look like Ringo, he's a better drummer.

Sorry.

- In consideration of the overwhelming

amount of data before us,

this committee will reconvene in two weeks.

Until then, the alien remains in custody

under full military security.

- Prudent decision, sir.

- It is the ruling of this panel, however,

that all testing on the alien

will be suspended until further notice.

- Sir, I must strongly object.

Sir, let the record show that I have...

- This hearing is adjourned.

- Mama.

- Beg your pardon, sir?

- What?

- Did you say something sir?

- What are you doing here?

- I'm saying goodnight, sir.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

Reese?

- Sir?

- How do you think things went today?

- I thought the panel made a very safe decision, sir.

- I thought it was abominable.

- Abominable, yes sir.

Safe, yet abominable.

- Reese?

- Still here, sir.

- Let me tell you a story.

- Now?

- I grew up without a mother.

- You'd never know, sir.

- I had a mother.

But when I was 12 years old, they hauled her away.

Nutty as a fruitcake, they said.

Why do you suppose they said that, Reese?

- Oh, wouldn't venture a guess, sir.

Even if I knew for certain.

- She was alien.

- From across the border?

- From across the cosmos, Reese.

- Oh, out there.

Yeah.

- We lived on a farm,

and mother would talk of mysterious sightings.

She spoke of cattle mutilations,

and bizarre rings burnt into the fields,

but no one took her seriously until it was too late.

- Should I come in, sir?

- Yes, please, come in.

Make yourself comfortable.

Then one day the aliens kidnapped mama.

They experimented on her.

They twisted her mind,

and clouded her thoughts to the point

where she doubted her own sanity.

- I'm sorry sir.

- How about a drink?

- No thanks.

- For me, Reese.

- Oh, of course.

- When my mother took her own life,

she left behind a note,

penned with incomprehensible symbols,

the ravings of a lunatic, they said,

but I knew differently, oh yes.

I knew very differently.

And I made up my mind I would seek the truth.

I knew that one day I would join the Alien Task Force.

- Ice?

- Yes, please.

Eventually I found out that those symbols

do indeed have meaning.

- What did they mean, sir?

- I don't know.

But they're the same as the mysterious etchings

on the mountaintops of Peru,

and they're the same symbols

we found on the flying saucer in Area 51.

- Now, those symbols have yet to be deciphered, sir.

- You don't need a Rosetta Stone to know they spell trouble.

- You really think ALF poses that kind of threat?

- There's a very thin line between

mutilating cows and eating cats.

- Point well-taken sir.

But the panel doesn't seem to agree.

- The panel can never know what I know,

or what my dear mother knew.

That's why we must take it out of their hands, Reese.

- I smell a covert operation, sir.

- What you're smelling is victory,

the triumph of good over evil,

one that could make me President of the United States.

It might even help earn you your First Lieutenant bars.

- Wow.

So much so soon.

- I want you to sign this medical requisition,

and access the serum from the lab on level three.

If anyone asks questions,

you just tell them

it's biohazardous material, section 12-801.

Sign right there.

- Top secret?

- Yes.

Our top secret, Reese.

Right there on the bottom.

Let me help steady your hand, son.

That's it, good man yourself.

Congratulations.

- Thank you, sir.

- Carry on.

- Anyway, she was great, didn't back down for a minute.

I mean, she was passionate,

eloquent, and beautiful.

- And she's here.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

- Major?

Rick was just talking about you.

- Pete, why don't you go get yourself an apple juice, huh?

- Oh, yes sir.

Right away.

Major Hill?

- No thanks.

- All right, one apple juice.

I'll be back in a couple of hours.

- He's a great kidder.

- I've been transferred.

- What?

- [Melissa] It's true.

- When?

- No later than 0800 hours tomorrow morning.

It's right there above Colonel Milfoil's signature.

- He can't do this to us.

I mean we're such a great team.

- Divide and conquer.

(knocking on door)

- Excuse me.

Doctor, I need a signature on this requisition form.

- Medical requisition, level three?

What's this about?

- I wouldn't know sir, it's a section 12-801.

- Level three is biohazardous material.

- Airman, would you please step outside,

we'll be with you in a minute.

- Yes, sir.

- Reese is trying to access the vaccines

we're developing for biological warfare.

- Security.

Is Sergeant Rhomboid still on duty?

Evening pizza run, of course.

What about Murphy?

Great, thanks.

Murphy, Major Hill.

Just checking up on ALF.

No, I don't owe him money.

Say, what's his schedule like for tomorrow?

It's pretty tight, huh?

Any changes in the last several hours?

Really?

Why?

What time?

All right, thanks for the info.

- What, what is it?

- They rescheduled ALF's pedicure for a medical exam,

I'd say a lethal one.

- I can't believe we're doing this.

- It's our only choice.

Once we get ALF off the base,

we'll worry about everything else.

- We're kidnapping him.

- We're saving his life.

- And where are we gonna take him?

Neverland Ranch?

It's the only place he'd go unnoticed.

- Evening, Airman Murphy.

- Evening, Major.

Captain.

- Evening.

- ALF around?

Silly question, he's a prisoner.

- Yes.

He's in his suite.

- We've got him scheduled for a couple of tests, tonight.

- He's sleeping pretty soundly sir.

- That's good,

because they're nocturnal comprehension tests.

- NCT's.

- We'd do them in the morning,

but it's just not the same.

- Oh understood.

Just ALF gets a little cranky when he's awakened,

unless it's for his evening pizza.

Which should be arriving any minute,

so you go on ahead.

- Hey, they're selling copies of movies

that are still running in the theaters.

- We're not here to shop.

- 2.99 for The Lion King.

How's he do this?

- I must again remind this jury

not to discuss this case amongst yourselves,

this I admonish you.

- ALF?

- Counsel will refer to me as Your Honor.

- ALF, wake up.

- Hey!

Easy with the mask, huh?

I've got cold cream on.

What are you two doing here?

You know the rules,

no merchandise sold till 0900 hours.

- ALF, you're in grave danger,

we've got to get you off the base.

You're scheduled for a medical test

in a couple of hours.

- Must be my cholesterol again.

Last time it was over a thousand.

- That's the least of your worries.

Milfoil is planning to test a serum on you.

- Is it cherry-flavored?

- It's poison,

and it comes in a hypodermic needle.

- So it's not cherry-flavored?

- ALF, get up.

We have to get you off the base.

- I can't leave all this behind.

I have a corporation to run here.

- ALF you have a choice, your money, or your life.

- Well?

- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

- Well, there's no time for thinking.

- Hey!

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

- Oh relax, it's just a sedative.

- Oh, that's really gonna cost you, buddy.

Just for that, I'm tacking on an extra 10%

to your gambling debts.

And I want it in cash

by next Tues...

- Quick get him in the mailbag.

- How much time do we have?

- He ought to be out for a good half hour.

(knocking on door)

- [Murphy] Rhomboid's here with the pizza.

Yeah, ALF open up.

- What are we gonna do?

- Get him in the bag.

Slide the pizza under the door.

Ha!

- [Murphy] It won't fit.

- Then, keep it.

- [Murphy] And what about this flaming desert?

Oh, ow.

- Extinguish and enjoy.

- [Murphy] Hey thanks, buddy.

Doing all right?

- Yeah, I'm just not quite as peckish as I thought.

- [Murphy] Okay pal, see you in the morning.

- Great impression of ALF.

Except he would never use the word peckish.

Yeah, he'd never turn down food either.

Come on.

Ma'am.

- He's a lot heavier than he looks.

- Just our luck.

Six of his seven stomachs must be full.

All clear.

(dramatic orchestral music)

Three.

(grunting)

- Where are you going, Captain?

- I'm driving.

Unless of course, you want to.

- You're not going anywhere, and that's an order.

- What are you talking about?

- There's no reason for you to get in any deeper.

- This is my idea, I take full responsibility.

- I thought we were in this together?

- Your help has been appreciated, Captain.

And now you're dismissed.

- Are you pulling rank on me, Melissa?

- Major, and yes I am.

- I don't believe this.

- Rick, that's an order.

- And if I don't follow it, what?

You gonna march back to MilFoil,

and tell him I'm being insubordinate?

No offense Major, this is my order, get in the van.

If we can make it past the guard gate, we've got a shot.

- Is this a motor pool van?

- Yeah, it was.

It's ALF's now.

Won it in a poker game.

He rents it back to 'em on weekends.

- He'll probably charge us for mileage.

- It wasn't personal, was it?

- What?

- Your not wanting me to come along with you?

- No, I like you.

I like working with you.

You're dedicated and sincere,

and sensitive.

- Well not that you asked but,

I think you're passionate, eloquent,

and beautiful.

- So I overheard.

- I don't want you to get a big head about it.

I felt that way since the first time I heard you say,

welcome to Edmonds Air Force Base.

- We're going really slowly.

- Well I think we should.

You're my superior, I didn't know how you felt.

- No I mean, we're going two miles an hour.

- Oh yeah, sorry.

- Evening, Major.

Captain.

What brings you out at 2300 hours?

- Stealing government secrets, selling them to spies.

No seriously,

I'm taking Major Hill to the train station.

She's been transferred.

- Orders, ma'am.

Be right back.

- Do you find him to be a bit humorless?

- It wasn't that funny.

(ALF moaning)

- [ALF] Where am I?

- Don't look now, the mail's awake.

- Be quiet, ALF.

- [ALF] I remember now.

I'm being abducted by humans.

There's a switch.

- Shut up, ALF.

- [ALF] I have to use the bathroom.

- ALF, get down.

- [ALF] Ow!

That was exceptionally painful, on a full bladder.

- Everything seems to be in order.

- Thank you Sergeant, we have to go now.

- [ALF] You're telling me.

- Beg your pardon?

- You're telling me.

Thanks.

- [ALF] I don't recognize this part of the country.

Could be this bag that I'm in.

- Yeah, and you're gonna stay in that bag,

until we get where we're going.

Where are we going?

- Every hear of Dexter Moyers?

- Yeah, UFO guy, got drummed out of NASA.

- No, he wasn't drummed out, he resigned.

He testified in front of a Congressional committee

that alien sightings should be made public.

So they transferred him to simulator maintenance.

- How come you know so much about him?

- He was a friend of my father's.

I called him, and he offered to help us.

- Where does he live?

- Near the Arizona-New Mexico border.

- [ALF] Oh goody, I should be able to swim

out of this bag by then.

(crickets chirping)

(TV voices)

- Why are you so steamed ALF?

We saved your life.

- Saved my life?

You took me from my friends,

whom incidentally, I was making a good living off of.

- Okay, I checked with the front desk,

there's no room service.

- Big surprise.

We're lucky there's plumbing.

- What if Rick went out and got you something to eat?

Would that make you happy?

- You can't buy me with food.

Unless it's fried chicken.

- I'll see what's open.

- A couple of burgers, maybe.

- Right, chicken or burgers.

- No, chicken and burgers.

And donuts, and get some beet juice.

I like to dunk.

- Man.

- Also, if there's a laundry mat around,

I suggest you wash that mail bag.

- Why?

As long as it's...

- I told you to stop at a clean gas station.

- I'll go see about that food.

- Last call, anyone want the runny white part?

Going, going, gone.

- Can we get some sleep now, it's three a.m.

- The night is young.

Who's up for a game of Twister.

- Where did you put the sedative?

- I heard that.

- Please ALF, we need rest.

- Well, how shall we handle the sleeping arrangements?

I should get the bed, being that I'm already on it,

and I'm shedding.

- Fine, we'll stay here on the couch.

- Evidently we paired up for the evening.

- We haven't paired up, there's just no place else to sit.

- Oh tish tosh.

You two have been playing Ken and Barbie

ever since we left the base.

(TV voices)

- Could you turn the TV down?

- Nothing but infomercials on at this hour.

- How about turning it off?

- Oh look, it's the one for the Wonder Rag.

- Okay.

(TV voices)

- [ALF] Jump, jump, jump, jump,

jump, jump, jump, jump.

One two three four.

Jump, jump, jump, jump.

One two three four.

Jump, jump, jump, jump. (knocking on door)

Jump jump jump jump.

- Someone's at the door.

(knocking on door)

- ALF, hide in the bathroom.

- It's been a long time since those words were uttered.

- Evening folks.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Name's Ernie.

I drive a truck.

If you look right behind me in the parking lot,

you'll see my 18-wheeler.

- Oh yeah, there it is.

16, 17, 18, right.

- Yeah, well being on the road 20 straight hours

can make a body tired.

- And irritable.

- Kind of hard to sleep

when all you hear from the room next door

is the incessant pounding of a bed on the wall.

- I'm sorry.

I apologize, we were...

- Look, I was a newlywed myself once buddy but, dang.

- We're not.

- Point made.

- ALF, the coast is clear, you can come out now.

ALF?

Oh no.

- What?

What now?

- He's gone.

- [Voice On TV] And now the big question,

how much would you expect to pay

for the amazing Wonder Rag and passive hanging hook?

- 20 bucks.

- [Voice On TV] Think before you answer.

- Darn.

- [Voice On TV] Because of the special TV bonus,

we'll throw in this plastic protective bib,

and a gallon of sawdust

for those stubborn industrial spills.

- That's worth five, 25.

(bell dinging)

- [Voice On TV] A hundred dollars?

50 dollars?

What if I was to say you get everything

for only 19 dollars and 95 cents?

Try purchasing a rag and sawdust

for anything less than that.

Let's check on Cindy and see how she's doing.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Do you have a phone?

- What?

- All right, take your time,

get over the initial shock,

then answer my question.

Do you have a phone?

- Pay phone.

Outside.

- How about a coat?

- What for?

- You said the phone was outside, didn't you?

- Yeah.

- Then I'll need a coat,

and a hat if you have one.

- Yeah, yeah.

- And I'll need a quarter.

- Yeah.

Sure.

Anything.

You're not gonna bite me are you?

- Not for a quarter.

- You're not from around here, are you?

- Minnesota.

- But somehow I thought it would be farther than that.

- Michigan.

- Yeah.

Yeah, the Wolverine State.

That would explain it.

- I appreciate the loan of the hat and coat,

and the quarter.

And I have to go now.

You continue with your evening and have a good time,

if you know what I mean.

Bye bye.

(phone ringing)

- J Barracks, Airman Murphy.

- Murph, is that you?

- ALF?

It's five o'clock in the morning,

and too early for room service.

- I'm not calling for room service.

I'm not even calling from my room.

Ask me where I am.

- Where are you?

- I'm standing on a corner somewhere in Arizona,

not a fine sight to see.

Hold it.

There's someone slowing down to take a look at me.

- Yeah, right.

A girl in a flatbed Ford, huh?

- How'd you know?

- Just a guess.

Goodnight ALF.

- Wait a minute Murph, I'm not kidding.

- You're telling me you're off the base?

- Yes, I was kidnapped by Rick and Melissa.

- Major Hill and Captain Mullican?

- Oh forgive me, I forgot my protocol.

- Where are they?

- At the motel.

- What are they doing in a motel?

- Not much.

They're just good friends.

Look, I gotta keep this short.

That girl in the flatbed Ford just came back.

Looks like she's got a gun, and eats red meat.

- What do you want me to do?

- Bring me my cash, my credit cards,

and my pool cue.

I might have to work for a living.

- I'll do what I can.

Where can I get a hold of you?

- Leave a message on the internet.

(late night jazz)

Kitty Kat Lounge.

Oh boy, breakfast.

(dog barking)

- Any luck?

- No.

If it wasn't for bad luck,

we'd be having no luck at all.

- Okay, I'll get the van and search the town.

- Hold on.

I got a hunch.

You wait in the room in case he comes back.

- Where are you going?

- [Rick] I'll be right back.

* Come get, get a piece of this *

* I give you love, I start with a simple kiss *

* I'll take you higher, higher than before *

* I'll love you down

* Then I'll take just a little bit more *

* So don't you be, don't be holding back *

* I got that game

* It'll give you a heart attack *

* I've got something for you

* And it's love

* I've got something for you

* Yes it be love

- So, what are you drinking?

- Uh, nothing.

I'd like to see a menu, though.

- Yeah well, we don't serve food.

- Isn't this the Kitty Kat Lounge?

- Yep.

- Well I'd like a nice, big, fat calico, medium rare.

- Are you some kind of sicko?

(screaming)

- All right, all right.

Take it easy.

- What's the problem?

- Look.

- Hi.

- What the heck is that thing?

- It's okay, it's okay, I can explain.

- Do it.

Now.

- Mardi gras.

We're on our way to mardi gras,

and hence the costumes.

- What mardi gras?

- What costumes?

- The ones we're wearing.

- What costumes?

- Okay, gotta go now.

- You're not going anywhere.

There's a two drink minimum.

- Each.

- Well in that case,

I'd like a Melmacian martini.

If you don't have fresh cat juice,

you can substitute ferret.

- Okay, here you go, here you go.

Thanks very much.

Something for the lady, appreciate it.

Okay, come on, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

- I hope you're not trying to win any prizes

with those outfits.

The Village People uniform's okay,

but that dog suit's the worst.

- Permission to bite the bouncer sir.

- Denied, keep moving.

Come on.

- Hey, easy on the dog suit.

It's a rental.

- Oh great, the cops.

- What's so great about that?

- Let's see if I've got this right.

Around 4:32 a.m., a short furry creature comes in.

- It was a wolverine.

- A wolverine.

- He was from Michigan.

A legend.

- A wolverine, from Michigan,

asked to use the phone,

then proceeded to steal your hat and coat?

- No no no, he borrowed 'em.

But let's be realistic.

I'll never see 'em again.

- Oh I wouldn't be so sure.

- What were you thinking?

Now this place is crawling with cops.

- Let's hope they leave before the helicopters get here.

- What helicopters?

- Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines.

I might have inadvertently alerted the military.

- How might that have happened?

- Phone call.

- Who?

- Mine.

- When?

- Before.

- How?

- Collect.

- Are you sure?

- You're getting it straight from the wolverine's mouth.

- Why?

- Because I need my things.

- I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Him.

- We have to get out of here, now.

- In what?

A military van?

They've probably got an APB out on it.

- May I suggest a vehicle change?

- No, no, you may not.

- Fine.

- We really shouldn't drive that van.

- Okay,

how would you suggest facilitating a vehicle change?

- What vehicle change?

- The one you suggested earlier.

- Sure it was me?

- Why are you even listening to him?

- A vehicle change is not a bad idea.

- I'll take care of it.

- You can't go outside.

- I just did.

- Let him go.

All right, you have five minutes.

- Fine, no problem.

Get you a vehicle.

(bell dinging)

- Oh oh.

- Remember me?

- The guy from Michigan.

- Yeah, I'm returning your hat and coat.

Much obliged.

And your quarter.

- Thank you.

- I have another gift for you.

You see that van outside there?

- The one that says, property of US government on the side?

- That's the one.

It's yours.

I'm with the government, and we want you to have it.

- Really?

- Yeah, what else do you need?

- I don't know.

Socks.

- No problem.

I'll send you a gross.

I hope you look good in Air Force blue.

Hey, you like music?

- Yeah.

- I'll send you some CD's.

Is 100 enough?

- What's the catch?

- No catch, no catch.

You lent me a quarter, I'm giving you a brand new van,

and a thousand dollars worth of merchandise.

When you do good things,

it comes back to you.

- Wow, thanks.

- Oh, stupid me.

I gave you my van.

How am I gonna get where I'm going?

What kind of car do you drive?

- A '59 Caddy.

- What's it worth?

- Seven or eight hundred bucks.

- All right well, let's see,

we got the van, the socks,

the CD's, you give me the car, and 500 bucks,

and we'll call it even.

- I don't have any money.

- All right, all right,

you drive a hard bargain.

Just give me the car.

I guess you didn't get to where you are,

by being stupid.

- You gotta stay on your toes.

- I don't suppose there'd be any warranty

that goes with this car?

- No, a deal's a deal.

Take it or leave it.

- I'll take it.

Oh by the way,

first chance you get,

you might want to have that van repainted.

Bye.

- Air conditioning,

satin sheets, big screen TV.

Potted palms, gentlemen,

do you mean to tell me the alien

has been living like this the whole time he was locked up?

- No sir, his original room was far more spacious,

but he complained it was too drafty.

- I see.

Why didn't we just put him in a suite at the Ritz/Carlton?

- Actually sir, ALF did suggest that.

- Put a lid on it, Sergeant.

- Yes sir.

- Colonel Milfoil.

- Yes, Reese.

- The red alert has been issued sir.

A high priority search is in effect

for Major Hill, Captain Mullican, and the alien.

- Very well, son.

Now I want you to get a mobile command unit underway, ASAP.

I intend to personally handle every aspect

of this investigation.

- It's already been initialized sir.

- What's this, roulette table, one-armed bandits,

pinball machines, blackjack table.

His own personal casino.

Did you know anything about this, Reese?

- Yes sir.

- What?

- But I only participated on Wednesdays.

It was Monte Carlo night.

- You men are on report.

- Yes sir.

- He said he was giving a full 2% to the homeless, sir.

- [Gilbert] There are no homeless

in the military, you idiot.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,

riding in the back of a pink Cadillac jack,

snacking on a snack,

and thinking on back, of old Melmac,

grew up in a shack, without knickknacks.

No rack and pinion steering,

my uncle hard of hearing, the missus interfering.

- ALF.

- What?

- What are you doing?

- Rapping with the wind, dude,

about life back home.

- You didn't grow up in a shack with no knickknacks,

and you've never been married.

- Hey, it's a rap.

It doesn't have to make sense.

- Now I asked you to get down, and stay out of sight.

- If I do that, I can't eat the bugs.

I get first dibs on licking the windshield.

- Yuck.

- How much further?

- Not much.

- Why would Carl Sagan live way out here?

- It's not Carl Sagan,

it's Dexter Moyers.

He's an ex-NASA test pilot,

and he is an expert on UFO's.

- As long as it's not Carl Sagan.

- What's wrong with Carl Sagan?

- Besides his hair?

Well, for one thing,

he insists on pronouncing the name of that planet, Uranus.

You want to know the correct pronunciation?

- No.

- Fine.

(horn blaring)

- He's gonna say it anyway, isn't he?

- Probably.

- Your anus.

That's how it's pronounced.

(rock music)

* Well at least you know I'm out the door baby *

* Don't want to stay here anymore baby *

* Hit the gas and turn the wheel, I'm gone *

* Gotta see if he's apart too long *

* Turn up the radio and play it loud *

* Don't need no for any doubt

* Don't matter what you want to do *

* Ride your lovin' gonna see me through *

* Just want to drive till the midnight hour *

* Can't stay away from your lovin' flower *

* Stop drivin' let the sunshine in *

* Don't know what kind of state I'm in *

* Warm wind blowin' through your hair *

* We could end up almost anywhere *

- You know, we've been driving almost 10 minutes,

I haven't seen another car on this highway.

- This isn't a highway,

it's Dexter Moyers' driveway.

* Don't ready and slide on in

- [ALF] Wow, a shopping mall.

- Okay, I'll admit it, I'm intimidated.

- I'll go in and check things out,

if you stay here with ALF.

- Get some rice pudding.

- Will you get down behind the seat?

- Oh, hey look.

Another gin bottle.

Dead soldier.

(glass smashing)

- Get down.

- [Machine Voice] Kindly state your name

and nature of business.

- Melissa Hill,

I'm here to see Doctor Moyers, he's expecting me.

- [Machine Voice] Please wait, processing.

- Melissa?

- Yes.

- I'm Nina, Doctor Moyers' assistant.

Please, come in.

Your friend too.

- You know, I thought that I would

talk to Doctor Moyers first.

- Of course.

He looks almost human.

- That's my associate, Rick Mullican.

- Oh.

- May I offer you a refreshment?

- No, no thanks.

- Wasted trip.

- Talk about almost human.

- That's Rocket, our server-bot.

- Melissa.

- Pleasure to meet you again, Doctor Moyers.

- Please, it's Dexter, and call me Dex.

I can't believe it,

you are the spitting image of your dad.

- So I've been told.

- Sit down.

Your father was quite a guy.

I'll never forget the first time I met him at NASA,

we were working on a secret missile project,

and the first thing he did was pull out a picture

of his nine-year-old daughter, Pork Chop.

- Pork chop?

- Yeah, he named you after his most glorious moment,

when he and his battalion took Pork Chop Hill.

- Hors d'oeuvres.

- You hungry?

- No.

No thank you.

- Oh for two.

- I should get back to the car.

- Pull in the garage, you can come in the back.

- Great.

And thank you for...

- Aiding and abetting?

It's my pleasure.

I gotta tell you,

I'm very excited about meeting your friend.

- He's a handful.

- Well, we'll try and make him feel safe.

And I promise I won't call you Pork Chop.

Anyway, I know your middle name is Angel.

- That's right.

- Much more fitting.

- I'm gonna go get my friends now.

- Okay.

- So, everything all right?

Did you see Moyers?

- Yes, and he is terrific, he's perfect.

- Would that gorgeous young earthling

who answered the door happen to be Missus Moyers?

- No, I think he's single.

- Let's hope they have a hot tub.

- Welcome back.

- Rick, this is Doctor Moyers.

Dexter.

Dex.

Dex, this is Rick Mullican.

- Hi Rick.

- Doctor, heard a lot about you.

- I want to thank you both for risking so much

to save the alien life form.

Speaking of which, where's the little guy?

- ALF?

- [ALF] What?

- You can come in now.

- [ALF] Not so fast.

They have a cat.

Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty.

Here, kitty kitty kitty.

(cat meowing)

- ALF, get in here.

- [ALF] I'll be back with my boning knife.

- ALF, this is Doctor Dexter Moyers.

- Howdy partner.

- Well Doctor Moyers, what do you think?

- I think this is the moment I've been

waiting for, my entire life.

- Me too.

- Well, come on in.

- Not so fast.

What's the seventh planet from the sun?

- Uranus?

- Lay down McDuff.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Amazing, absolutely amazing.

- Would you care for an eighth dessert, sir?

- Muchos gracias, rock meister.

Keep 'em coming.

- That's the extent of the rice pudding, I'm afraid.

Unless you'd like to lick the container.

- I would indeed.

- Another gallon of cam juice to wash it down?

- How did you know?

- I must be psychic.

- Your metabolism is incredible,

what's your diet like on Melmac?

- Fruits, vegetables,

free range kitten.

Pretty strict, I used to be an underwear model.

- So many questions I want to ask you,

about space, time, the universe.

- I have a few questions for you.

Questions about Nina.

Her likes, her dislikes,

and would she like to be an underwear model?

- This is the most incredible place I have every seen, Dex.

I could live here.

- There's plenty of room.

- What do you think of the joint, Rick?

You haven't said much.

- Oh, obviously, it's pretty amazing,

I mean the computers, the communication hookup,

production facilities.

I can't think of anything you don't have.

(ALF sneezing)

- Napkins.

You could use more napkins.

- I'll put napkins on the shopping list.

- You do your own shopping?

- Yeah, and the cooking.

- Wow.

- Wow.

- Does that surprise you?

- No, I thought maybe Nina did it.

- No, Nina doesn't cook.

- She doesn't have to.

And you never will.

(ALF belching)

- You rang sir?

- No, but while you're here,

would you mind vacuuming my lap?

Nina needs a clean place to sit.

- I'll return with the shop vac.

Next time I'll remember to lay down a tarp.

- That's the first robot I've seen with attitude.

- Yeah, I modeled him after my ex-wife.

- You designed Rocket yourself?

- Yeah, when I was at NASA.

- Wow.

He shops, he cooks, he builds robots.

- Guess I'm quite a guy, huh?

- Yeah, speaking of NASA, what happened over there

that caused you to get drummed out?

- Dex wasn't drummed out.

He resigned because the government

was suppressing information

that he thought should be made public.

- Ah.

- If I ever use that tone of voice with you, smack me.

- Here's what happened.

In 1978, two other NASA test pilots and I

spotted a UFO over Utah,

and I was the only one to publicly admit we'd seen anything.

- The government denied everything and Dex was demoted,

but he could have been the next man on the moon.

- The first guy was sure a bust.

- Neil Armstrong?

- Yeah.

He had about as much personality as sled tracks.

And that one giant step thing,

I mean, who was his speechwriter?

Andy Rooney?

- No, I think Neil came up with that himself.

- They should have left him on the moon.

- Didn't I read something, somewhere,

about you being implicated in the lobo incident?

- The lobo incident was the biggest lie

the government ever made up about me.

- Let's just drop it.

Okay, Rick?

- Fine.

- How do you feel about dating outside of your species?

- It wouldn't be the first time.

(laughing)

- Isn't she delightful?

- If I recall correctly,

the government accused you

of being an informant or something, right?

- Rick!

- No no no, I didn't say it, they did.

- You're being really discourteous to our host.

- Yeah, after all he's provided us.

- You're right.

I apologize, I was out of line.

- Look, my only purpose even in the beginning,

was to go public with the truth.

Some people don't like that.

- Wait a minute.

Is that the plan?

You want to go public with ALF?

- Absolutely.

Once people know ALF exists, he'll be safe.

- And let's not forget the merchandising possibilities.

- Do you really want to see ALF dolls

in all the toy stores?

- As long as they're plush.

I don't render well in vinyl.

- You're serious about exposing ALF to the public!

- Yeah.

I'm expecting a call from Nigel Neville.

- Nigel Neville?

From Global Television Network?

- He's an old friend of mine.

- Of course.

- I'm trying to get ALF booked on his show tomorrow night.

It'll be broadcast worldwide from London.

- Nigel Neville Live?

You really think that's the best way

to reveal ALF to the world?

- Rick has a point.

I say we hold out for Baywatch.

- If anybody's interested, I think it's a big risk.

Getting on a plane, flying to London,

and putting ALF completely at the mercy of the media.

- We're not taking ALF anywhere.

We'll do the interview from here by satellite feed.

I'd never put ALF in harm's way.

- Now, don't you feel foolish?

We'll do London another time, Ducky.

(romantic instrumental music)

Psst, Rick?

Rick wake up.

- ALF, what are you doing?

- I need to contact Murphy on the internet,

but I don't know how to work Dex's computer.

- Why don't you get Dex to help you?

- Rick, I've never seen you like this.

- There's something about the guy, I just don't like him.

- No, I mean from this angle.

I thought I had a lot of nose hair.

Come on, come on, let's go.

- Oh man.

- All right, here's a list of the things

I want Murphy to send me.

I promised Nina nylons.

I hope she looks good in Air Force blue.

- You really think you've got a chance with her?

- I do if I can get those nylons.

Oh, give me the list, I forgot to add oysters.

- What's Nina gonna do with oysters?

- They're not for her, they're for me.

- Hey ALF,

what do you make of this?

Oh.

- You boys having trouble sleeping?

- No, no, ALF just needed to use the computer.

- Well I was just concerned,

because when the computer is turned on,

so are the security cameras,

and everything in this room gets videotaped.

- Oh,

he just wanted to send something over the internet,

this list of items.

- Maybe I can help.

- Yeah Rick, get up.

Let someone who knows what they're doing get in there.

- If you need me I'll be in my room.

- We won't need you.

Now, about the last item on this list here.

I think that we should specify strapless.

(knocking on door)

- Melissa?

Melissa?

- Who is it?

- It's Rick.

- Come in.

- Oh, hi.

Look, I'm sorry, I've been acting like a jealous idiot.

- Apology accepted.

Goodnight.

- Yeah, but that doesn't change my mind about Dexter.

In fact, I just saw something on his computer

that makes me even more suspicious.

- Like what?

- I don't know,

a file called Operation Payback.

It's a list of names, timetables,

numbers, big numbers.

It has something to do with ALF.

- Just wanted to make sure

everything was all right in here.

- Rick was just saying goodnight.

- That's a great idea, we've got a big day tomorrow,

a monumental day, we should all get some sleep.

- Yeah.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight, Rick.

- I get the feeling Rick's a little apprehensive

about our plans for tomorrow.

- He's okay.

He just wants to make sure we're doing the right thing.

- Do you think we're doing the right thing?

- Oh I do.

I do.

Aren't we?

- Telling the truth's always the right thing.

I'll see you in the morning.

Goodnight, Angel.

(soft orchestral music)

(dramatic instrumental music)

- A few more curly fries from underneath the bed,

and I think we'll have it all, sir.

- How long were they here?

- Six hours, sir.

- Six hours?

- Burnt sienna.

- Close,

we're very close gentlemen.

Put that in the bag, Sergeant.

Thank you.

(phone ringing)

(ALF belching)

- You mean to tell me there's nothing on the videotape?

- He must have turned off the security camera.

- And no one heard a car starting,

and somebody driving away?

- I'm afraid not, sir.

- Hold a moment please.

It's the London Times,

they want to know why Nigel Neville bumped

Nelson Mandela off the show tonight, to interview you.

- Tell them to watch, and they'll find out.

- Your scones sir, and clotted cream.

- Oh right, rock of ages.

Where's the cheddar cheese?

- I'll leave for Wisconsin, immediately.

- Drive safely.

- Good morning.

You wanted to see me?

- Yeah Melissa, I do.

- Yo Dex, let me tell her.

Guess who flew the coop last night?

I'll give you a hint.

Rick.

- Rick's gone.

- Bailed, took a powder,

vamoosed, splitsville, hasta la vista baby.

- Where did he go?

- We thought you might know.

- How would I know?

- Did he discuss it with you, or leave a note?

- No.

I'm just as surprised as you are.

- Okay.

Find him.

- Where do you think he went, ALF?

- Beats me.

Pass the donuts.

- [Man On Phone] Lab administration.

- Pete?

- Hey Rick, is that you?

- Thank God, you're in the office.

- Hey man, where are you?

- I'm off base.

Way off base.

Anyway, I guess by now everybody knows what happened, huh?

- You mean like you guys going AWOL,

and abducting a military hostage?

Hey, there's some speculation.

- I'll bet.

Listen Pete,

I need a favor.

- Well what do you need, Rick?

- [Rick] I want you to access the central data bank.

Get me any information you can

on a military scandal called the lobo incident.

- Lobo, huh?

That sounds familiar.

- [Rick] Yeah, it happened around 1979, maybe '80.

- [Pete] All right, I'm on it.

Hey where do I get in touch with you?

- [Rick] You can't.

I'll call you back.

- [Pete] Okay well, give me an hour,

and I'll try to have something by then.

- Thanks Pete, I appreciate it.

- Hey Rick,

it's good talking to you.

You take care, okay buddy?

- Yeah, you too, thanks.

- Did you get that, Reese?

- Every word, sir.

We're tracing the call right now.

- Find him, son.

For Mama.

- 47-inch waist.

- I'm going on a diet after the holidays.

- 15-inch neck.

- Look, I'll save you a lot of trouble.

I'm the same suit size as Danny Devito,

and the same dress size as his wife.

- The satellite uplink is online,

but we're still having trouble

with the phone line to Kuwait.

- Keep me posted.

- 42-inch sleeve.

- What are you doing?

- I'm fitting ALF for his spacesuit.

- I want to look authentic on the air.

- You're the real thing, how much more authentic do we need?

- Dex is getting a little stagefright.

We'll talk later.

(phone ringing)

- Yeah.

- You know Dex,

I've been thinking about being merchandised.

We've gotta be careful.

I don't want it to look like we sold out.

- That's right, a '59 Caddy.

- You know, like putting those Disney characters

on a diaper pail was an embarrassment,

probably the reason Katzenberg left.

- [Dex] Good, now find the driver.

- And I think we should draw the line

on extruded cheese products,

and anything gelatinous.

Let's not follow in Bill Cosby's footsteps.

- Fine, nothing gelatinous.

- Hi, ALF, what are you doing on the table?

- I'd like to think of it more as a pedestal.

- The lighting director says he's ready to talk to you.

- Great, if you're not lit right,

the camera can add 20 pounds to your nose.

We learned that from the Gerard Depardieu movies.

- Dex, can I talk to you for a minute?

- I'll go help ALF.

- What's on your mind?

- Rick, have we heard from him?

- No, not a thing.

- I'm a little worried about him.

After all we are, were,

in this together.

- Sorry he let you down.

- Last night when he came into my room,

he was really upset.

He said that he saw something on your computer.

I didn't really think much of it at the time,

but I just overheard a conversation between

two of your associates,

and they were talking about the same thing.

What is Operation Payback?

- More coffee?

- No, no.

- I'll take a cup of that java, ma'am.

- Sir.

- Captain.

Guess you'd better make that to go, hon.

Yes!

- I'm sorry it had to come down to this,

because I really do like you, you know.

- I can't believe I led ALF into a trap.

- Don't think of it as a trap,

think of it as an opportunity.

I promise you ALF won't be hurt,

he's much too valuable for that.

- I know, merchandising.

- Melissa, you don't understand.

ALF is the merchandise.

- You're selling ALF?

- To the highest bidder.

But only once I prove to the world

that extraterrestrial life exists.

- You're never gonna get away with this,

the government will hound you until the day you die.

- No, they can't, Angel.

- Don't ever call me that.

- Once I expose ALF, the government has no credibility,

and I think you deserve something for that.

How about a million dollars

and safe passage out of the country?

- I hate you.

- Think about it.

Consider your options.

Want to watch some TV?

I hear Nigel Neville has a pretty good show on tonight.

- We will find the alien whether you cooperate or not.

- Sure, it just might take a little longer if I don't.

- We've got him in our sights.

I've ground units covering a 600-mile radius.

- Oh, you're assuming they're traveling by land.

- What?

- Oh, nothing.

I was just saying, if they're in private plane for example,

every hour that ticks by puts them

hundreds of miles further away.

- You listen to me, you traitorous little twerp.

You better come clean and quickly, too,

or I'm gonna kick your butt so hard,

your breath's gonna smell like shoe polish.

- All right, I'll cooperate.

I knew you were monitoring those phone calls into the base.

I wanted you to find me.

I'm ready to make a deal.

- What kind of deal?

- I'll lead you to them,

if you promise not to harm ALF or Melissa.

- Why would I agree to that?

- Because if you don't find them in the next 50 minutes,

it'll be too late.

ALF will be revealed to the world,

and your entire career will be a sham.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- That's enough Louie, I'm not Burt Reynolds.

- Six minutes to air, Doctor Moyers.

- The bidders standing by?

- All but the King of Yemen.

He's still in morning prayers.

- He'd better pray he's got enough money to bid

by the time it gets around to him.

By the way, US dollars only,

no rubles, no yen, no francs, no drachmas,

and definitely no pesos.

50 million dollar opening bid,

and increments of 10 million after that.

Where's ALF?

- Green room.

How do you feel, cutie?

- A tad nervous.

I thought I'd open with a couple of toilet jokes,

to get the English audience on my side.

Hey, hey, just walk away, Renee.

I don't want to appear overly groomed.

- You look adorable.

- How you doin' champ?

- Oh oh.

What do you think?

- Why does he have an ascot and a pipe?

- He asked for them, sir.

- I work well with props.

- You don't need props.

Just go out there and be yourself.

Get rid of these.

- I'll mail them back to Hugh Hefner.

- I thought I'd open with a joke, or two.

No no, no jokes, ALF.

- Here's one,

what's the difference between

a shower curtain and toilet paper?

- I don't know.

- So you're the one!

(laughing)

Get it?

Then I thought I'd segue into some of the B material.

- No jokes.

- Gee Dex, I'm starting to see a big change in you.

Are you getting enough sleep?

- Three minutes to air.

- I'll bring you out right after the first commercial break.

- Who's the sponsor?

- What different does it make?

- I just don't want to follow

some feminine hygiene product.

- I gotta go.

- You know, there must be a way

to work in some of these jokes,

without looking too obvious.

- He said, no jokes ALF, and he means it.

- Gee Nina, I'm starting to see a change in you, too.

- [Nigel] Hey Dex, do you hear me, buddy?

- Loud and clear, Nigel.

- You want to give me some idea

of what we're talking about tonight.

- You're gonna have to trust me on that one, Nige.

I haven't let you down yet, have I?

- No, now wouldn't be a good time to start.

Nelson Mandela is a little miffed.

- I'll bet.

- We're up on the bird, and the phone lines are open.

- They'd better be, there's a lot at stake.

- All right, we're going to remote everyone.

In five, four, three, two, and...

- Good evening.

Tonight on Nigel Neville Live,

we'll be talking to Doctor Dexter Moyers,

America's leading authority on UFO's,

cult figure, best-selling author.

He says that tonight we're in for a bit of a surprise,

so stay put, would you?

- I've been thinking.

Maybe going on that English guy's TV program

isn't the right approach.

I could make more money in a concert tour.

- You're going on TV, and it's settled.

You'll do fine, Sweetie, really.

- I want to talk to Melissa.

I could be making a bad career move.

- ALF, now isn't really the time to talk to Melissa.

She's, she's busy.

- Dexter Moyers, there he is folks,

renegade test pilot, NASA scientist,

almost walked on the moon.

How are you, buddy?

- I'm great, Nigel.

(belching)

- I have to use the little alien's room.

- You can't.

- I must.

- ALF! No.

- I must.

- Get back here.

- A lot of folks at NASA,

when the name Dexter Moyers is mentioned,

talk about sour grapes.

You once reported sighting a UFO,

and your government not only denied it,

but made sure that you never reported another,

or so you say.

What's the real story, Dex?

- The real story unfolds tonight, Nigel.

It's the culmination of all my years

of believing the existence of extraterrestrial life.

Tonight, the truth will be known,

and I'll be vindicated, because now there is living proof.

- Whoa whoa whoa, hold it right there.

Are you telling me that somewhere on the face of this Earth

there is an actual alien?

- There is an actual alien, Nigel,

and he's right here in this studio with me,

in a minute, you and millions of your viewers

are gonna meet him.

- Oh come on, Dex.

- He's from the planet, Melmac, and his name is ALF.

- Well that's pretty serious stuff, Dex.

And we'll be right back to check it out.

In a minute folks, we'll find out whether it's a scoop,

or a hoax, so stand by to meet ALF.

Stay put, won't you?

- Please come out for me now.

- [ALF] Where's the room freshener?

- ALF come out, they are ready for you now.

- Doctor Moyers.

Doctor Moyers.

- Where's ALF?

- He's locked himself in the bathroom.

- What?

- He doesn't want to do the show.

- Well get him out of there, knock down the door,

just bring it, go on.

- ALF!

Come out, they're ready for you.

- [ALF] I can't, my foot's stuck in the bidet.

- Please?

- Get out of the way, open up ALF.

- [ALF] Back off buddy, take a number.

- They're on the air.

- How's my hair?

- Sparse.

- Get out.

- Well, we're back folks with Dexter Moyers, and ALF.

- Are you there, Dex?

- Right here, Nigel.

- Well, we're all sitting on the edge of our chairs,

with our breath baited.

We're ready to meet ALF.

- [Man] He's still locked in the john.

- He doesn't seem to be here at the moment.

- Now why doesn't that surprise me?

- I mean he's here, in the studio.

He's just not here beside me.

He's getting his nose powdered,

he's a little sensitive about how big it appears on TV,

you understand.

- We've got to move things along, Dex.

We've got the whole world watching.

- I'm sure they're getting him right now.

- Gosh, I don't know what's happened.

We seem to have lost our satellite feed.

- The show's over, Dexter.

You've been canceled.

All right Lieutenant, let's mop up this operation.

And I want that alien unharmed.

- Yes, sir.

- ALF, open up.

Hey hey hey.

- Well folks, as I said before the commercial,

this was either a scoop, or a hoax,

and now I guess we know which one it was.

We'll take another commercial break,

and when we come back, we'll talk...

- Take your hands off me, airman.

Let go of me.

- Relax, these are the good times, Captain.

Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

- Rick?

- Melissa?

Hey go easy with her, I thought we had a deal?

- How about this for deal, Captain?

You and your associate get to be court marshaled,

plus, and I'm throwing this in as a bonus,

the alien will be dead by next week.

That good enough for you?

- I knew you couldn't be trusted.

The committee should know what it is

you've been planning all along.

- [Gilbert] Yeah, what's that?

- This is the requisition form

for the poison serum you ordered to kill ALF.

- What serum?

- Let me refresh your memory.

Level three biohazardous material,

section 12-801, requested by you.

- I didn't request anything, Captain.

In fact, I think if you look closely,

you'll see Lieutenant Reese's signature

on that piece of paper, not mine.

That's what Second Lieutenant's are for, to take the fall.

Nevertheless,

let me file that for safekeeping.

Oh my, oh dear, look at this.

Oh what a shame.

Well, it was a worthless piece of paper anyway.

- Nice working with you, sir.

- Sergeant.

Take him away.

He disgusts me.

(humming)

- All right fellas, once more from the top.

A one, and a two, and a kick, kick.

Now come on men, lighten up.

It's me, your ex-bookie.

- Welcome back.

- Thanks.

Forgive me, if I don't get up.

- Well well well,

didn't you lead us on a merry little chase?

A delightful little chase indeed.

- You don't seem to delighted.

- Oh, but I am.

In fact, I couldn't be happier.

See, your escape attempt will prove

to be the final nail in your coffin.

- What escape attempt?

I was kidnapped.

- Oh please.

We both know that Hill and Mullican

weren't acting on their own.

You manipulated their minds, you clouded their thoughts.

- I think you have me confused with the psychic hotline.

- Now you listen to me, you furry little freak.

When we exterminate you,

we're gonna be sending a message

to every other extraterrestrial out there.

We will no longer be intimidated,

not me, not my mama, not anyone.

- Your mama?

Did he say his mama?

Where did that come from?

- You drove my mama insane,

you and your kind.

- I didn't even know your mama.

I'm sure she was a great mama.

- In 48 hours, the committee will reconvene

to determine your future,

or the lack of it, to be more precise.

Project: ALF is about to be terminated,

not just the project, but the ALF.

Arrivederci, baby.

- Any chance of me getting a cappuccino?

(guns cocking)

Apparently not.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- I can honestly say that I

really had my doubts about you, Colonel.

- Oh really, why sir?

- Well, I always thought you had your own personal agenda.

But obviously, the whole country

owes you a huge vote of confidence.

- I thank you, General.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Oh, speaking of votes.

Would you happen to know when the New Hampshire primary is?

- March or April, I think.

Why?

- Just curious.

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

- Permission to enter sir?

- What is it, Lieutenant?

- Before your committee reconvenes, General Stone,

I have a videotape that you may be interested in seeing.

- Look, we've seen all the videotapes

on the alien we need to see, thank you.

- ALF's not in this one, sir.

You are.

- What?

- Allow me.

- This is the requisition form

for the poison serum you ordered to kill ALF with.

- What serum?

- Well let me refresh your memory.

Level three, biohazardous material,

section 12-801, requested by you.

- I didn't request anything, Captain.

In fact, if you look close,

you'll see Lieutenant Reese's signature

on that piece of paper, not mine.

See, that's what Second Lieutenants are for,

to take the fall.

But let me file that for safekeeping.

- Permission to be excused sir?

- Permission granted.

It is the further determination of this panel,

that an official apology be sent to all of you.

- Suitable for framing, we hope.

- Absolutely, ALF.

- Good, I have the frames, 5.99 each, today only.

- As far as this committee is concerned

we will do everything possible

to guarantee the safety and comfort

of our ambassador from another galaxy, ALF.

- This ambassador is pretty high-maintenance.

- We know, we've seen the food bills.

- Lastly we would like to thank

our fine young officers for a job well-done.

To First Lieutenant, Harold Reese,

for bringing certain evidence to our attention,

and to Colonel Melissa Hill,

and Major Rick Mullican,

for their exceptional courage and dedication upon yourself,

our congratulations to all of you,

on your pending promotions.

- Hear that?

I'm still your superior officer.

- Permission to discuss it over dinner, Colonel?

- Permission granted.

- The banquet you ordered sir.

- I've taken the liberty of having my assistant, Rocket,

provide us with a little nosh.

- What a mensh.

- It's the least I could do to show my appreciation.

Go ahead, Rocky Wagner, do your thing.

- I'm in robot hell.

Popcorn, peanuts, pretzels.

- Help yourselves folks, they're only a dollar a bag.

- Well then, if there is no further business,

this hearing is...

- Wait, wait, let me do it.

This hearing is impaired.

Aha.

- [Rick] Do you have a gavel truck?

Where did you get this?